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1
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2
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(Groans) Hey.
3
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How was your day?
4
00:00:06,455 --> 00:00:07,821
You know that scene in "Jurassic Park"
5
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where the dinosaur finds the guy stuck
in the mud, spits at him, then eats him?
6
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Oof. That bad, huh?
7
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No, that good. At work, I am the dinosaur.
8
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Ah! Dad, I'm glad you're finally home.
9
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I need your help.
10
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Mandy, I... I've
been home. I can help.
11
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Ohhh! That is so sweet, Mom!
12
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Yeah, but this has nothing
to do with science or wine.
13
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So, um, as you may have heard, I'm on
the committee to select the speaker
14
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for the business school's
fall graduation next week.
15
00:00:32,415 --> 00:00:34,915
Right. I think WikiLeaks already
spilled the beans on that.
16
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Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
17
00:00:36,185 --> 00:00:38,152
Did I miss a year? You aren't graduating.
18
00:00:38,254 --> 00:00:40,487
No, I'm not, Mother, but
being on the committee
19
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gets me extra credit for
my business ethics class.
20
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And the extra credit
gets me a passing grade.
21
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Do you see where I'm going here?
22
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Apparently, not to class.
23
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Well, if you need a speaker, I know a
very intelligent and articulate teacher.
24
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No, thanks.
25
00:00:54,904 --> 00:00:56,904
We were hoping to get somebody famous.
26
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I was wondering if you would do it.
27
00:00:58,941 --> 00:01:01,508
Well, being the face of
20 sporting-goods stores
28
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does offer me a little bit of celebrity.
29
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Well, it did get you free
biscuits at Red Lobster once.
30
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Okay, sorry. Uh, I wasn't clear.
31
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We tried to get someone famous...
32
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Kanye, Beyonc?, Rihanna,
33
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that swimmer who lied
about getting mugged, uh...
34
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So, anyway, I'm out of options.
35
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Out of options? Stop the sweet talk.
36
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(Laughs)
37
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Listen, I got to let
the school know by today
38
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so they can print the
programs for commencement.
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Please, will you do it?
40
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Uh...
41
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Of course. Anything for you.
42
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Thank you! You're the best.
43
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But I need a building named after me,
44
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and I want no colored
M&M's in my dressing room.
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Synced and corrections by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com
46
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47
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Hi! Hey, honey.
48
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What, did you miss your mother
or just the washing machine?
49
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(Chuckles) Don't
answer that. Let me dream.
50
00:01:50,826 --> 00:01:52,659
I can't do laundry at Kristin's.
51
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Ryan makes his own fabric softener, and
all my clothes smell like vinegar.
52
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Yeah. He gave me some of that.
53
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You know, it's actually
a decent salad dressing.
54
00:02:00,970 --> 00:02:03,170
Hmm.
55
00:02:03,272 --> 00:02:06,640
So, how are things in the music biz?
56
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It sucks.
57
00:02:08,310 --> 00:02:10,878
My last audition I was at,
there were like 20 other singers
58
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and I didn't even get a chance to try out.
59
00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:13,781
Oh.
60
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:17,985
Even Bob Dylan had to sell shoes for
a year before he became Bob Dylan.
61
00:02:18,087 --> 00:02:20,087
You totally just made that up, but thanks.
62
00:02:20,189 --> 00:02:23,357
Got a story about Lady Gaga doing
laundry at her parents' house?
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(Laughs) No, but I'll make you dinner.
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We're having lasagna and mixed
greens with Ryan's fabric softener.
65
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I can't. Cammy's coming to pick me up.
66
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She's home from college for the week.
67
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Oh, wow.
68
00:02:35,271 --> 00:02:37,538
I just can't picture Cammy in college.
69
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:41,442
Actually, I can't even picture Cammy
anywhere that doesn't have unicorns.
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I'm worried about her.
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She doesn't do too well on her own.
72
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I've always been around to
help her out when she's scared.
73
00:02:46,582 --> 00:02:49,950
Oh! Remember when you got her
over her fear of escalators?
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Yeah... she was afraid she'd get
stuck if there was a power outage.
75
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What can I say? The kid needs me. Yeah.
76
00:02:56,592 --> 00:02:58,225
Hi, Mrs. Baxter! Oh!
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Your door was unlocked, and we're
practically family, so I let myself in.
78
00:03:01,130 --> 00:03:03,664
But if I've overstayed my welcome, I will
go back out there and ring the bell.
79
00:03:03,766 --> 00:03:04,598
Your call.
80
00:03:05,994 --> 00:03:08,474
Well, if it was my call, Cammy,
you never would have gone away.
81
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Aww!
82
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(Squeals)
83
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Hey, Cammy!
84
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How's college? You holding up, champ?
85
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Honestly?
86
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I've heard the first
year is a little rough.
87
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It's awesome!
88
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Okay, I'm crushing all my classes.
89
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I live in the co-ed dorm.
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00:03:23,819 --> 00:03:26,353
Va-va voom! (Chuckles)
91
00:03:26,441 --> 00:03:28,761
Oh, and did I tell you I'm
playing intramural Frisbee golf?
92
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You did, but I thought that was a joke.
93
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(Chuckles)
94
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I don't joke about Frolf, okay?
95
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Oh!
96
00:03:36,665 --> 00:03:39,233
Um, guess who's president of our dorm.
97
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I don't know...
Rudy Giuliani?
98
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That guy will do anything.
99
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No. It's me.
100
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Look... they
made me a hat.
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It says "El presidente."
102
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(Chuckles)
103
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I'm in the Spanish-speaking dorm.
104
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Wow. I always knew you
could rock a sombrero.
105
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(Laughs) Yeah. Sounds
like you're doing great.
106
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I am.
107
00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:01,121
And what about you? I mean,
how's the music career going?
108
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I want to come to one of your gigs.
109
00:04:02,591 --> 00:04:04,625
Yeah, they're usually
super-packed, though.
110
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Yeah. Really hard to get into.
111
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Cause I'm pretty much... killing it, so...
112
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Um, of course you are.
113
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You're Eve Baxter, okay?
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The girl who could take on any escalator.
115
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Whew!
116
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You know, I knew that you
would rock the face off Denver.
117
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Yeah. I-I mean, I don't
have a big record deal yet,
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but even Bob Dylan had to
sell shoes for a year, so...
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120
00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:30,083
Hi. Hey.
121
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Um, I hate to rush you.
122
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I just wanted to see how
the speech was coming along.
123
00:04:33,889 --> 00:04:35,355
Well, I hate to brag...
124
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Who am I kidding? I love to brag.
125
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Yeah.
126
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It's fantastic, you know?
127
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I work good under pressure.
128
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I'm kind of like Lincoln in that way.
129
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Mm.
130
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If he was so great, they wouldn't have
131
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:45,793
killed him off at the
end of the first movie.
132
00:04:47,403 --> 00:04:51,438
Um... do you want me to give you
some notes before you send it in?
133
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Why... Send it in?
What do you mean?
134
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The faculty committee needs to approve it
135
00:04:54,910 --> 00:04:56,810
after they check for micro-aggressions.
136
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Micro-aggressions?
137
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You mean, like, midget warriors?
138
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:04,117
No. They're objectionable words or phrases.
139
00:05:04,186 --> 00:05:06,486
For instance, "midget warriors."
140
00:05:06,555 --> 00:05:08,322
I know what micro-aggressions are.
141
00:05:08,424 --> 00:05:10,591
It's the latest liberal
attack at free speech.
142
00:05:10,659 --> 00:05:13,093
And a lot of fun if you do them right.
143
00:05:13,162 --> 00:05:16,063
The university has a list of stuff
they don't allow speakers to say.
144
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You know, to protect the students.
145
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From what, ideas?
146
00:05:20,102 --> 00:05:22,069
It's just the way that my
school does things, dad.
147
00:05:22,171 --> 00:05:23,604
Please. My grade is riding on this.
148
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Fine!
149
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All right.
150
00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:28,775
Just pretend like you introduced
me to thunderous applause.
151
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Sure.
152
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Some lady faints in the front row.
153
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"Ladies and gentlemen
..." Okay, stop.
154
00:05:35,584 --> 00:05:36,544
No, they'll pick her up.
155
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Come on, EMs. Get her out of here.
156
00:05:38,721 --> 00:05:41,989
No, uh, you can't say
"ladies and gentlemen,"
157
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because it excludes those
who don't identify as either.
158
00:05:47,529 --> 00:05:51,131
Hmm. But those are the only two choices.
159
00:05:51,233 --> 00:05:52,299
No, not anymore.
160
00:05:52,401 --> 00:05:54,202
You just have to keep
it gender-neutral, okay?
161
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Please continue.
162
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"Hey, everybody."
163
00:06:01,577 --> 00:06:03,377
"America is the land of opportunity.
164
00:06:03,479 --> 00:06:05,012
I stand before
you as ..." Stop!
165
00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:08,015
Okay, by saying that America's
the land of opportunity,
166
00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:10,584
you are implying that everyone
has the same opportunities.
167
00:06:10,653 --> 00:06:13,954
I'm not implying it. I'm saying it.
168
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If you live here and you
work hard, you can succeed.
169
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That's how this works.
170
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Uh... yeah, that one's on here, too.
171
00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:22,663
It hurts the feelings of those
who work hard and don't succeed.
172
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Give me that.
173
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Where's the list of stuff that
doesn't hurt people's feelings?
174
00:06:27,236 --> 00:06:30,103
That's got to be a short one.
175
00:06:30,205 --> 00:06:33,840
You have no idea how seriously
my school takes this stuff, dad.
176
00:06:33,942 --> 00:06:36,009
And remember the greater good here.
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00:06:36,111 --> 00:06:39,012
You're helping me scam
my way to passing ethics.
178
00:06:39,081 --> 00:06:40,113
This list is insane.
179
00:06:40,215 --> 00:06:43,083
If I go by these rules, I'll be going
against everything I believe in.
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00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:45,552
I know, but just for 15 minutes.
181
00:06:46,855 --> 00:06:48,855
Thank you, Dad. No, no, no.
182
00:06:48,957 --> 00:06:51,925
Can't call me "Dad." What
if I identify as "Mom"?
183
00:06:52,027 --> 00:06:53,927
184
00:06:57,748 --> 00:06:59,281
There he is...
The Great Orator.
185
00:06:59,383 --> 00:07:00,416
Yeah.
186
00:07:00,484 --> 00:07:02,384
How's that commencement
speech going, Mikey?
187
00:07:02,486 --> 00:07:04,119
Terrible.
188
00:07:04,188 --> 00:07:06,422
Mandy's college is one
of those safe spaces.
189
00:07:06,490 --> 00:07:08,624
You have to conform,
or you're shouted down.
190
00:07:08,693 --> 00:07:11,527
I believe Red China had a similar program.
191
00:07:11,595 --> 00:07:14,363
Except there was less
shouting and more shooting.
192
00:07:14,432 --> 00:07:17,733
It's a list of stuff I'm not allowed to
say, 'cause I might offend somebody.
193
00:07:17,802 --> 00:07:21,737
If I went to the school, all
I'd be able to do is shrug.
194
00:07:21,806 --> 00:07:23,572
A lot of schools are doing that now.
195
00:07:23,641 --> 00:07:25,874
But Cammy's school is pushing back.
196
00:07:25,943 --> 00:07:29,345
They support open debate and told the
kids if they're easily offended,
197
00:07:29,447 --> 00:07:30,679
they should find a different college.
198
00:07:30,748 --> 00:07:34,016
Yeah, well, they headed over to the
college I'm giving the stupid speech at.
199
00:07:35,052 --> 00:07:37,052
It's a whole new world out there, Mikey.
200
00:07:37,154 --> 00:07:38,987
It's time to die.
201
00:07:43,327 --> 00:07:45,861
What am I supposed to say?
202
00:07:45,930 --> 00:07:49,565
"Good evening,
carbon-based life-forms."
203
00:07:51,235 --> 00:07:54,303
"In business, it doesn't
matter if you succeed,
204
00:07:54,405 --> 00:07:57,439
as long as you try
...or don't try.
205
00:07:57,541 --> 00:07:59,274
However you feel.
206
00:07:59,343 --> 00:08:00,442
Namaste."
207
00:08:00,511 --> 00:08:01,610
(Laughs)
208
00:08:01,679 --> 00:08:05,180
Man, when did feelings become the
most important thing in the world?
209
00:08:05,249 --> 00:08:08,584
When I was a kid, there were no feelings.
210
00:08:08,686 --> 00:08:11,353
That was invented in the '50s by beatniks.
211
00:08:12,656 --> 00:08:14,656
Kind of surprised you're
on my side about this.
212
00:08:14,759 --> 00:08:16,325
Oh, absolutely, man.
213
00:08:16,394 --> 00:08:18,427
They say they're fighting
subconscious racism.
214
00:08:18,529 --> 00:08:19,795
Right.
215
00:08:19,864 --> 00:08:23,165
But I wasn't aware we won
the war on conscious racism.
216
00:08:23,234 --> 00:08:26,168
So excuse me if you get offended
when I call you a gentleman...
217
00:08:26,270 --> 00:08:27,936
Yeah... but I've been called much worse.
218
00:08:28,005 --> 00:08:29,238
Right.
219
00:08:30,941 --> 00:08:33,542
Maybe it is time I push back...
220
00:08:33,611 --> 00:08:35,711
protect those kids from people
who are trying to protect them.
221
00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:38,113
Yeah. Let Mike Baxter be Mike Baxter.
222
00:08:38,182 --> 00:08:41,650
Maybe I'll open up with a Polish joke.
223
00:08:41,719 --> 00:08:44,019
Do the one about the
bowling ball in the bathtub.
224
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:44,987
It's a classic.
225
00:08:45,055 --> 00:08:46,155
I love that one!
226
00:08:46,991 --> 00:08:49,725
You know, Cammy's school is
one of those safe spaces, too.
227
00:08:49,794 --> 00:08:51,427
I just like messing with him.
228
00:08:52,563 --> 00:08:56,331
229
00:08:56,434 --> 00:08:58,300
U-Uh, I don't want to do this.
230
00:08:58,402 --> 00:08:59,701
I-I'm scared of heights.
231
00:08:59,804 --> 00:09:01,537
Okay, well, that's why we're doing it.
232
00:09:01,572 --> 00:09:04,606
Remember when you were afraid of horses
and I took you horseback riding?
233
00:09:04,708 --> 00:09:06,475
Yeah. That was fun.
234
00:09:06,544 --> 00:09:08,877
Until I got off and Cinnamon
kicked me in the chest.
235
00:09:08,979 --> 00:09:12,448
I... I got kicked in
the head by a horse once.
236
00:09:12,550 --> 00:09:16,351
For a few weeks, I was
very good at the piano.
237
00:09:16,420 --> 00:09:19,563
Look at that... another farm
accident with a happy ending.
238
00:09:20,566 --> 00:09:23,734
Look, nothing will happen to you
if you just focus on my voice,
239
00:09:23,803 --> 00:09:26,570
like when I said, "Don't
stand behind Cinnamon."
240
00:09:27,773 --> 00:09:29,506
Okay, I'll give it a try.
241
00:09:29,608 --> 00:09:30,599
Yeah.
242
00:09:31,936 --> 00:09:33,735
Hey, you got nothing to worry about.
243
00:09:33,804 --> 00:09:38,273
I mean, we've had little kids go up there
blind people, a 94-year-old woman.
244
00:09:38,342 --> 00:09:40,375
That one didn't end well.
245
00:09:40,478 --> 00:09:42,711
I should stop using it as an example.
246
00:09:43,747 --> 00:09:45,380
Okay, you're doing great, Cammy.
247
00:09:45,449 --> 00:09:46,456
Thanks.
248
00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:47,783
(Breathing heavily)
249
00:09:47,885 --> 00:09:49,159
I'm stuck.
250
00:09:49,228 --> 00:09:51,620
All right, well, you're
2 feet off the ground.
251
00:09:51,722 --> 00:09:55,858
So, um, grab the yellow
hold with your left hand.
252
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,793
Okay, which one's yellow?
253
00:09:57,895 --> 00:09:59,862
I can't see colors anymore!
254
00:09:59,915 --> 00:10:01,435
I'm gonna fall!
Okay, just... just...
255
00:10:01,465 --> 00:10:03,932
Nope, not that one. Hey, hey, hey,
could you guys, uh, keep it down?
256
00:10:04,001 --> 00:10:05,467
I know my restaurant's in
the middle of a gun store,
257
00:10:05,536 --> 00:10:07,436
but I'm trying to create an ambience.
258
00:10:07,538 --> 00:10:09,338
Sorry. Cammy's stuck.
259
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,440
It's the 94-year-old
all over again.
260
00:10:11,550 --> 00:10:13,584
Just take a deep breath, Cammy.
261
00:10:13,652 --> 00:10:17,179
I can't! The air is too thin up here!
262
00:10:17,248 --> 00:10:18,847
Okay. I... Okay. [
Breathing heavily)
263
00:10:18,949 --> 00:10:20,382
Just get me down, please!
264
00:10:20,451 --> 00:10:21,750
(Crying) Please get me down!
265
00:10:21,852 --> 00:10:23,151
Please!
266
00:10:24,855 --> 00:10:26,355
Why did you make me do that?!
267
00:10:26,423 --> 00:10:30,058
Okay, well, first off, you didn't do it.
268
00:10:30,127 --> 00:10:33,270
But if you had, you might have felt
like you accomplished something.
269
00:10:33,330 --> 00:10:35,464
I have accomplished plenty!
270
00:10:35,533 --> 00:10:37,633
Okay? I am presidente of my dorm.
271
00:10:37,701 --> 00:10:39,268
Adios!
272
00:10:40,771 --> 00:10:42,804
Presidente just stole a harness.
273
00:10:42,907 --> 00:10:44,406
Cammy!
274
00:10:45,943 --> 00:10:47,776
What is going on with you guys?
275
00:10:47,878 --> 00:10:50,045
Even last night at the
house, it seemed weird.
276
00:10:50,114 --> 00:10:53,724
It's her... I'm not the one making
all the friends and having fun.
277
00:10:54,727 --> 00:10:57,094
Look, after high school, I
didn't see any of my friends.
278
00:10:57,196 --> 00:10:59,922
I felt embarrassed because they
were all off doing exciting stuff,
279
00:11:00,024 --> 00:11:02,724
while I was home, changing diapers.
280
00:11:02,826 --> 00:11:06,295
But then I realized that
they weren't judging me.
281
00:11:06,397 --> 00:11:07,629
Only I was.
282
00:11:11,235 --> 00:11:14,436
I was judging you, too. And I was only 9.
283
00:11:14,505 --> 00:11:17,272
284
00:11:17,374 --> 00:11:18,674
Hey, babe? Yeah? Hey.
285
00:11:18,742 --> 00:11:21,476
Got a sec? I want to run the
rewrite of my speech by you.
286
00:11:21,579 --> 00:11:24,947
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to hear what
the new P.C. Mike Baxter has to say.
287
00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:26,281
Yeah. (Laughs)
288
00:11:26,350 --> 00:11:30,018
Well, sounds a lot like the old Mike
Baxter, but drunk in a locker room.
289
00:11:32,289 --> 00:11:34,756
But I'll tell you, Mandy's
list was a good blueprint.
290
00:11:34,858 --> 00:11:36,458
You mean of what not to say.
291
00:11:36,527 --> 00:11:38,794
Oh, no, I got them all in there. Sit.
292
00:11:39,964 --> 00:11:41,430
All right, uh, okay.
293
00:11:41,532 --> 00:11:43,131
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen...
294
00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:44,566
and all of you on the fence."
295
00:11:44,668 --> 00:11:46,368
Oh, God.
296
00:11:46,437 --> 00:11:49,271
"To quote future Nobel
Prize winner Lee Greenwood,
297
00:11:49,373 --> 00:11:50,973
'I'm proud to be an American.'
298
00:11:51,041 --> 00:11:53,842
Not just because I have the right to
speak my mind or carry an awesome gun,
299
00:11:53,911 --> 00:11:56,578
but because it's the land of opportunity.
300
00:11:56,647 --> 00:11:58,947
Some whiny babies might not
think so, but in America,
301
00:11:59,049 --> 00:12:01,450
if you work hard, anyone can be successful.
302
00:12:01,552 --> 00:12:04,019
Anyone. Any... one. Any one."
303
00:12:04,121 --> 00:12:05,420
That goes on and on. I keep doing it.
304
00:12:05,522 --> 00:12:08,156
All right, you know what?
Y-You cannot give that speech.
305
00:12:08,258 --> 00:12:10,258
You cannot
...can not.
306
00:12:11,662 --> 00:12:13,062
It'll cause Mandy a lot of trouble.
307
00:12:13,063 --> 00:12:15,505
With the thought police, who
have their panties in a bunch?
308
00:12:15,607 --> 00:12:16,928
And that's in there. Got that in.
309
00:12:16,976 --> 00:12:18,834
The thought police are never
gonna approve that speech.
310
00:12:18,936 --> 00:12:20,844
You know who else wouldn't approve
the speech they want me to give?
311
00:12:20,946 --> 00:12:21,945
Me.
312
00:12:22,047 --> 00:12:25,941
And God, who I'm also not
allowed to mention, but I do.
313
00:12:26,919 --> 00:12:31,647
Well, for the love of God, think
about this before you send it in.
314
00:12:31,749 --> 00:12:33,782
I think the problem is we're
thinking too much about this.
315
00:12:33,884 --> 00:12:35,150
Time for action.
316
00:12:35,252 --> 00:12:37,219
(Tablet whooshes)
317
00:12:41,425 --> 00:12:42,457
318
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,382
319
00:12:48,484 --> 00:12:49,884
You!
320
00:12:49,953 --> 00:12:53,454
You, you, you, you, you!
321
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:54,722
I like what you're saying so far.
322
00:12:54,824 --> 00:12:56,624
Okay.
323
00:12:56,693 --> 00:13:00,361
I just spent a brutal hour in
front of the faculty committee.
324
00:13:00,396 --> 00:13:02,930
Professor Moffat called
what you wrote a screed.
325
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:05,766
He was so mad, he was making up words.
326
00:13:05,835 --> 00:13:08,102
Well, he had to. He
banned all the good ones.
327
00:13:10,106 --> 00:13:13,341
If you don't change this,
they're not gonna let you speak.
328
00:13:13,443 --> 00:13:15,309
I'm not changing it.
329
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:16,877
You know what?
330
00:13:16,946 --> 00:13:18,879
I'm gonna say something right
now I really don't want to,
331
00:13:18,982 --> 00:13:22,016
but I am so frustrated, I
just feel like I have to.
332
00:13:22,085 --> 00:13:23,050
(Inhales deeply)
333
00:13:23,119 --> 00:13:24,719
Please.
334
00:13:26,589 --> 00:13:28,356
Mandy, I can't.
335
00:13:28,424 --> 00:13:29,890
Why are you fighting them on this?
336
00:13:29,959 --> 00:13:31,259
Why can't you just get along?
337
00:13:31,361 --> 00:13:35,029
Because committees who make up lists
like this aren't asking us to get along.
338
00:13:35,098 --> 00:13:36,931
They're telling us to go along.
339
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,400
And I don't go along.
340
00:13:39,469 --> 00:13:40,901
They're just words.
341
00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:43,471
Why can't you just change
a couple of words, Dad?
342
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,139
Because they're the words to my story.
343
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:47,041
Fine. It's your story.
344
00:13:47,143 --> 00:13:49,243
But it's not true for everyone.
345
00:13:49,312 --> 00:13:51,312
It's a different world out there now.
346
00:13:53,783 --> 00:13:55,416
Time to die.
347
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,553
348
00:13:59,656 --> 00:14:01,922
(Guitar tuning)
349
00:14:03,993 --> 00:14:05,626
Hey.
350
00:14:05,695 --> 00:14:06,827
Hey.
351
00:14:06,863 --> 00:14:09,363
Thanks for coming. Wasn't sure you would.
352
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:12,667
Well, I said I
would... passive.
353
00:14:12,735 --> 00:14:15,036
But, uh, if you noticed,
I am two minutes late...
354
00:14:15,138 --> 00:14:16,537
aggressive.
355
00:14:18,241 --> 00:14:20,508
I'm taking psychology.
356
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:21,776
Really?
357
00:14:21,878 --> 00:14:23,944
So, what do psychologists call it
358
00:14:24,013 --> 00:14:26,380
when you make a iend do
something they're scared of
359
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,182
just to make yourself feel needed?
360
00:14:29,385 --> 00:14:32,086
I don't know. It's pretty
early in the semester.
361
00:14:33,323 --> 00:14:35,623
I'm sorry I made you climb the wall.
362
00:14:36,592 --> 00:14:40,861
It's just that you're
crushing it and... I'm not.
363
00:14:40,930 --> 00:14:43,030
What are you talking
about? You're doing awesome.
364
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:44,799
I mean, you said you were doing gigs.
365
00:14:44,901 --> 00:14:47,902
This is my gig
...outside a mall.
366
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:53,207
I also have gigs outside a laundromat,
a grocery store, a pet shop.
367
00:14:53,276 --> 00:14:56,344
You want to feel bad about
yourself, get heckled by a parrot.
368
00:14:59,048 --> 00:15:02,683
I may be crushing it, but
college isn't that hard.
369
00:15:02,752 --> 00:15:05,019
I mean, I've got a meal plan and a dorm.
370
00:15:05,088 --> 00:15:07,521
I have an adviser who tells
me what classes to take.
371
00:15:07,590 --> 00:15:11,125
You're finding your own
way, and that's way harder.
372
00:15:11,194 --> 00:15:13,627
And it's also super-impressive.
373
00:15:13,696 --> 00:15:16,831
I'm singing in front of a trash can, Cammy.
374
00:15:16,899 --> 00:15:18,966
And people are paying to hear it.
375
00:15:19,035 --> 00:15:22,236
I mean, you've made $4.
376
00:15:22,305 --> 00:15:23,571
And a button!
377
00:15:24,574 --> 00:15:26,707
Pretty sure that's a tooth.
378
00:15:26,776 --> 00:15:30,044
You were there to support
me, and I got into college.
379
00:15:30,113 --> 00:15:33,647
So now I'm gonna support you, so one day,
380
00:15:33,716 --> 00:15:35,950
I'll be able to tell people
that I knew Eve Baxter
381
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:38,586
when she was singing
in front of a trash can.
382
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:43,124
Maybe keep that one under
your "El presidente" hat.
383
00:15:43,226 --> 00:15:45,126
(Sighs) Okay, you know what?
384
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:48,662
I would like to hear a song.
385
00:15:50,224 --> 00:15:52,058
Really? A dollar?
386
00:15:53,127 --> 00:15:55,661
All right, sorry, sorry. Just kidding.
387
00:15:55,730 --> 00:15:57,263
Don't expect much of a crowd.
388
00:15:57,331 --> 00:16:00,775
Oh. It looks like someone
could use a little support.
389
00:16:00,843 --> 00:16:03,944
Hey! Everyone! Stay away!
390
00:16:04,013 --> 00:16:07,815
Okay, this girl is terrible!
She can't sing at all!
391
00:16:07,917 --> 00:16:09,917
Reverse psychology.
392
00:16:10,019 --> 00:16:11,852
(Mid-tempo music plays)
393
00:16:11,954 --> 00:16:13,687
Y-Yeah.
394
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:27,067
395
00:16:29,005 --> 00:16:32,740
W-W-What is this place,
and why are we here?
396
00:16:32,842 --> 00:16:34,408
Well, I've been trying to tell you my story
397
00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:37,912
over and over again, but you're not
listening, so I had no choice.
398
00:16:37,980 --> 00:16:40,948
All right, whatever you're planning,
Mom knows that I'm with you.
399
00:16:42,151 --> 00:16:42,850
Dad?
400
00:16:42,952 --> 00:16:43,818
Dad, I don't...
401
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,160
I don't think you're allowed...
402
00:16:45,188 --> 00:16:46,253
Okay.
403
00:16:47,123 --> 00:16:49,423
Come on in.
404
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:53,160
Welcome to the first
Rocky Mountain Subs Shop.
405
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:57,665
This is where Mrs. Jamali
started her sub sandwich empire.
406
00:16:57,733 --> 00:17:02,269
Wait... is that the Pakistani lady
who yells in those commercials?
407
00:17:02,338 --> 00:17:06,207
She opened the store about the same time
Ed and I opened the first Outdoor Man.
408
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,842
So people ate food in this place?
409
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,410
(Chuckles)
410
00:17:09,479 --> 00:17:12,813
She worked 14 hours a day
to get this going, right?
411
00:17:12,882 --> 00:17:14,682
You think that made her a mean woman?
412
00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:18,352
You'd be right, 'cause she's
got quite a mouth on her.
413
00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:19,987
Okay. What's your point, Dad?
414
00:17:20,056 --> 00:17:23,023
Well, now Mrs. Jamali's got 12 stores.
415
00:17:23,092 --> 00:17:24,225
I've got 20.
416
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:27,828
And the only thing we have in common
is our willingness to bust our ass...
417
00:17:27,897 --> 00:17:31,932
and, of course, our
basic distrust of Russia.
418
00:17:32,001 --> 00:17:33,434
That makes two of you.
419
00:17:33,503 --> 00:17:35,369
But the truth is, there
are still plenty of people
420
00:17:35,438 --> 00:17:38,038
in this country who work
hard and they don't succeed.
421
00:17:38,107 --> 00:17:41,642
Okay, I could change the words,
but I can't change my message.
422
00:17:41,711 --> 00:17:46,080
I think in America, if you work hard, you
will succeed because that's my story.
423
00:17:46,182 --> 00:17:47,648
And that's her story.
424
00:17:47,717 --> 00:17:50,751
That's millions of other people's stories.
425
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,820
And now they won't let you tell it.
426
00:17:52,922 --> 00:17:55,589
I know. And it's a shame.
427
00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:58,138
'Cause I think you should worry
less about who you might offend
428
00:17:58,227 --> 00:18:01,028
and care more about who you might inspire.
429
00:18:03,799 --> 00:18:08,102
She had her first dollar bill sitting
right up here by these decorative, um...
430
00:18:10,973 --> 00:18:13,140
Goodness gracious. It's bullet holes.
431
00:18:13,242 --> 00:18:15,075
(Siren wailing)
432
00:18:15,144 --> 00:18:17,077
See if the car's still there.
433
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:17,679
434
00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:22,483
Thank you.
435
00:18:22,552 --> 00:18:25,519
Yes, thank you, Professor
Quinn, for that, um, speech
436
00:18:25,588 --> 00:18:28,589
about your brave battle
against restless legs syndrome.
437
00:18:28,658 --> 00:18:30,457
Thank you.
438
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:33,861
There is a change in the
program for our final speaker.
439
00:18:33,930 --> 00:18:36,864
It was going to be my father, Mike Baxter,
440
00:18:36,933 --> 00:18:40,701
but Mr. Baxter refused to comply
with the university guidelines.
441
00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,438
You'd like to call me a name, wouldn't you?
442
00:18:44,507 --> 00:18:47,374
But you can't. 'Cause I'm in a safe space.
443
00:18:48,844 --> 00:18:52,112
Those guidelines are
supposed to protect us.
444
00:18:52,181 --> 00:18:53,480
But from what?
445
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,182
Ideas?
446
00:18:55,284 --> 00:18:56,984
My father never thought I was so fragile
447
00:18:57,086 --> 00:19:00,921
that he couldn't tell me what he
thinks, even when I disagree with him.
448
00:19:01,023 --> 00:19:03,190
Which I do.
449
00:19:03,292 --> 00:19:05,426
A lot.
450
00:19:05,494 --> 00:19:08,329
But we both agree that
everyone should be able
451
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,832
to tell their story, even if
it might potentially offend.
452
00:19:11,934 --> 00:19:16,270
Look at our daughter... making
enemies, just like her dad.
453
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:17,938
Who'd she get to replace you?
454
00:19:18,007 --> 00:19:19,473
That's the fun part.
455
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:23,410
And now our last
speaker... Mariam Jamali.
456
00:19:23,479 --> 00:19:27,948
Originally from Pakistan, she is the
founder of the Rocky Mountain Subs chain.
457
00:19:28,050 --> 00:19:30,651
So buckle up, 'cause she's
got quite the mouth on her.
458
00:19:37,752 --> 00:19:39,118
459
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:42,021
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
460
00:19:42,123 --> 00:19:43,889
I know, I know
...the word "man"
461
00:19:43,991 --> 00:19:46,192
can be offensive to some people.
462
00:19:46,294 --> 00:19:50,763
And if you're a shut-in, the word
"outdoor" could be a trigger.
463
00:19:50,865 --> 00:19:53,265
Maybe I should declare it a safe zone
464
00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:57,803
and just say, "Hey, Mike
Baxter here for the store."
465
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:02,741
No, because it's a safe bet any
progress has offended somebody.
466
00:20:02,844 --> 00:20:05,711
Thomas Jefferson wasn't worried about
hurting King George's feelings
467
00:20:05,813 --> 00:20:09,782
when he shoved the Declaration of
Independence right up his royal arse.
468
00:20:10,952 --> 00:20:14,520
And about 100 years later, a black
engineer named Elijah McCoy
469
00:20:14,622 --> 00:20:16,822
wasn't worried about offending bigots
470
00:20:16,891 --> 00:20:21,160
when he was first granted
one of his 57 patents.
471
00:20:21,229 --> 00:20:24,597
The McCoy lubricator kept the steam
engine oiled, greasing the rails
472
00:20:24,699 --> 00:20:29,001
for something open-minded
people like to call progress!
473
00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,370
Elvis Presley offended everybody.
474
00:20:31,472 --> 00:20:33,305
Black people were mad he stole their music.
475
00:20:33,407 --> 00:20:37,209
White people were mad 'cause he
brought them black people's music.
476
00:20:37,311 --> 00:20:40,512
Then everybody shut up
and just started dancing.
477
00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:44,516
If Elvis didn't offend people,
he would have been Pat Boone.
478
00:20:44,619 --> 00:20:47,253
And there are folks even
offended by Pat Boone.
479
00:20:47,355 --> 00:20:49,188
They're called the Taliban.
480
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,010
So you can be like them, or you can be like
481
00:20:51,092 --> 00:20:53,592
Thomas Jefferson, Elijah
McCoy, and Elvis Presley.
482
00:20:53,694 --> 00:20:55,327
After all, this is a free country
483
00:20:55,429 --> 00:20:58,530
thanks to people who are
willing to give offense.
484
00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:02,134
So, anyway, two Polish
guys walk into a bar...
485
00:21:02,184 --> 00:21:06,734
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