All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s05e15 Home Sweet Loan.eng

There is so much fine print on this lease.

Maybe we should have a lawyer
look at it before we sign it.

Yeah, good call.

'Cause if you can't trust a lawyer to
be straightforward, who can you trust?

(Door opens)

Hey! There are my two favorite men.

(Chuckles)

Thanks for that, babe.

You were a lot nicer as a blonde.

All right, all right.

How was the park? I bet it was
packed on a warm day like this.

Actually, we like it
when it's like 5 below.

That way, when the kids
cry, their eyes freeze shut.

Yeah, but if it's too cold,
there's no girls there.

Don Juan here saw a girl,
told her she was pretty.

Aww. That's so sweet.

Well, I hope you also told her that she
was strong and smart and important.

Uh, she was wearing her
mittens on the wrong hands,

so "smart" never even came up.

I just thought she was pretty.

Oh, well, you can think that, son,

but you should never tell
a woman that she's pretty.

And that's why you're third
on my list of favorite men.

Well, at least he's on a list of men.

I am a proud feminist, and one of the
things I stress when homeschooling Boyd

is that he should appreciate
a woman for her mind.

Great... then he'll
be the kid in college

the other girls share
their feelings with...

While they're sleeping with other men.

Is this a lease? What, are you
guys getting out of this dump?

The lease is actually for this dump.

Or, as we like to call it, our home.

If we sign up for another two
years, we can save $100 a month.

Oh.

There's 5% savings right there.

Maybe you should consider a target card.

Well, I know that doesn't sound
like much money to you, Mike.

It's a lot of money. That's
why I have a target card.

(Laughs)

I thought you guys were thinking
of moving out and buying a house.

Boyd would be able to play in a yard

instead of going to the park
to look at girls'...Minds.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, we're not really in a rush.

We have a five-year plan.

Well, sometimes, plans
don't work out like that.

I had a four-year plan with Obama.

It's turned into an eight-year nightmare.

My nightmare is being buried alive, and
yours is eight years of prosperity?

That's weird.

I just don't like the guy. Get off my back.

Dad, we looked, but we couldn't
find a house that we both liked.

Yeah, it's like they're either gone
too fast or they were falling apart.

It's either like, "ah,
rats. Somebody got it,"

or it's just like, "Eww! Rats."

Do me a favor... don't
sign that lease yet.

Let me have my guys look.

I think I can find you
guys the perfect house.

Of course you think that, 'cause
you're the great Mike Baxter.

Yeah, you can butter me up all you want,

but you're not getting
ahold of my target card.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

Check out this house I found for Kris.

Look at the price. Do you believe that?

No, I can't. No.

Is that a lot or a little?

I'm sorry ...I'm rich.

Well, in this market, that's a great price.

And I also have a $50,000
toaster you might like.

You know how much I
paid for my first house?

No. You probably gave the
Indians a bag of beads.

And a thunder stick.

$550. It was a kit.

(Chuckles)

Wish it came with a wife, because
my first one did not work out.

Hey, dad. Got your text. What's up?

Look what I found, my buddies and I.

Found you a beautiful little craftsman...
three bedroom, two bath.

And believe me, after a
plate of brussels sprouts,

that second bath is a marriage-saver.

And look at that price. I know.

Apparently, that's a good price.

Yes, I know. I was confused at first, too.

Ed, could you go be rich someplace else?

This is too good to be true, okay?

It's a cute little house
in a great neighborhood.

It's gonna turn into a bidding war.

It's not on M.L.S. yet.

My buddy said they want a quick sale.

She's lived here for 65
years... a sweet old woman.

We got to take advantage of that.

Incredible.

Dad, you're amazing.

Well, that's why your husband always
calls me the great Mike Baxter.

Unh-unh-unh!

Why are you down here?

What did you do?

You mess with my shipping labels?

Did you glue all my zippers together?

Oh, my God. You didn't
try anything on, did you?

Uh, I flossed my teeth with some
blue thread, but I put it back.

You don't own our family basement.

It's not our basement.

It's my space, where I do my work.

Ah, yes, the noble work of fashion...

Making dumb people look pretty.

Okay, get out! Put that down!

Get out! Hey!

Get out! Hey, I am!

(Door opens)

I have every right to be in our basement!

Way to be firm.

Mice can be super-territorial.

This is sister stuff.

Oh, I get that.

My brothers used to mess
with me all the time.

I'm the youngest, too.

It's not easy, is it?

Nope.

A lot of noogies and purple nurples.

One time, my brothers locked me
in the closet with a street dog.

We do not keep in touch.

Me and my brothers.

I love that street dog.

Whoa. That blows.

A big brother should look out for you.

You know, since you and Mandy are,
like, getting married and all,

technically, you're my big brother.

That's right! Yeah.

Oh, what should we do first...
eat ice cream or build a fort?

Who am I kidding?

Obviously, both.

That all sounds great,
but what I meant was...

(Clears throat)

...I'm kind of dealing
with a bully right now.

Mandy.

Really?

I know she's all sweet around
you, but she's a monster to me.

I have seen that side of her once.

She made a hostess cry.

But we did get extra sausage with our
rootin' tootin' breakfast platter.

It has so much more
space than the apartment.

Oh! You know what I
love about these windows?

When you look out, you don't
see bums shoving each other.

Where did Ryan go?

Uh, I think he's taking
another look at the kitchen.

He wants to make sure there's
plenty of room to soak his lentils.

So, what do you think?

Uh, I like it.

I really like it. Yeah?

It's priced right.

Yeah, it is. I know it is.

But ...ooh.

Ooh, that's still a lot
of money, dad. (Chuckles)

If you need a raise to afford
it, I'll give you a raise.

But you make plenty of money,
so stop bugging me about it.

It has that great yard for Boyd.

And an office for me.

And the basement is soundproof, which
would be good for Boyd's drums.

And for Ryan's political opinions.

What am I doing? I-I love it.

I want this house. Let's put in an offer.

Great.

So, uh, this is a big pass, right?

"Pass" is a sports term, so I assume
you're confusing it with "home run."

Honey, this... this house has
everything we're looking for.

What... what don't you
like about it, Ryan?

I don't know. I mean, nothing specific.

It's just... I don't really
like the vibe in here.

Oh, you probably saw
some meat in the kitchen.

We said we would agree on this, right?

And I just don't see
myself living in the house.

Well, I guess we need to add
another box to the checklist.

"Vibe."

But you love this house.
Just go talk to him.

Yeah, but clearly, he doesn't.

I mean, he's the one that's gonna be
spending most of the time in the house.

What am I supposed to do?

What'd you do the first
million times he was wrong?

Yes, dad, I'm disappointed,
but Ryan and I are a team, okay?

We both have to agree on this.

I appreciate what you
did, though, dad. Thanks.

Okay.

Hmm.

That guy needs a swift kick to the lentils.

You know, Ryan doesn't like the "vibe."

What does that even mean?

It's not groovy enough for
his tambourine jam sessions?

Now, don't make fun, Mike.

A real musician can spend a
lifetime mastering the tambourine.

Yet a monkey can do it in an hour.

And that monkey who's
married to my daughter

is keeping her from buying
the house of her dreams,

and that house is a smokin' deal.

Yeah, well, I'm sure they'll
find a house they both like.

The one next to me is
for sale for $4 million.

Is that in their price range?

You know, I-I'll ask.

I just wonder why the kid's
digging his heels in on this one.

Sometimes a man just wants
to have his say, Mike.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe under that lentil-soaked radical
feminist lurks an unevolved angry man.

And I'll find him.

The hardest part about being
a designer is letting go.

You know, my babies are safe here,
but once they're off in the world,

someone could put on the wrong
pair of earrings, and then...

you never stop worrying.

You know what's funny
about me? I never worry.

Which concerns me.

Sometimes I'm up all
night thinking about it.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey. Don't even think about
going to that basement.

Yeah, get your bratty butt
back up to your own room.

(Scoffs)

That hurts, Mandy.

Like a word noogie.

Yeah. Good. That was the intention.

Mandy, I think that Eve should be
able to use the basement, too.

You know, we can do our work up here.

Go on down, sport.

Thanks, bro. (Chuckles)

(Snaps fingers) Hey.

What was that?

I know what it's like to be bullied by
an older sibling, and I can't watch it.

Or any video, no matter how
hysterical, that demeans old people.

They are gold people.

Oh, my God. She's playing you.

(Chuckles) No. I am not that gullible.

Uh, really?

How much money have you
given those "orphans"

in the north face jackets that
smoke outside the 7-Eleven?

I don't give them money. I give them beer.

If you give them money, they're
just gonna spend it on drugs.

Eve keeps taking over my workspace,
and she only does it to mess with me.

And to keep me from my babies.

How can she keep you from your babies?

She sounds like that judge my mom
was always complaining about.

Thanks a lot. You sided
with the wrong sister.

Oh!

And, by the way, I've
seen her laugh at a video

of an old man trapped in a bounce house.

My God. What have I done?

Yeah.

(Knock on door)

Yeah?

Hey. Hey.

Is Kris here?

Uh, no, she's out. What's up?

Uh, I was just driving through
the neighborhood really fast

with the doors locked, my windows up.

Thought I'd stop by.

Well, if you're here to try to talk me into

buying the house, you
can just save your breath.

No, I totally agree
with you. Had bad vibes.

Really?

Yeah. The house had no mojo.

(Scoffs) Don't even talk about juju.

Okay. You're mocking me.

You're a sharp kid, you know?

I think the reason you don't like
this house is 'cause you're upset

'cause your wife would
have to make the payments.

That's ridiculous.

Because you're not into
traditional gender roles.

You're right.

No, I'm not.

So you wouldn't mind when
you get to the grocery store,

you pull your wallet out of your yoga pants

and it's filled with your wife's money.

Or that you're wearing yoga pants.

Nope. Wouldn't bother me at all.

Seems like it bothers you.

Yeah, well, you know
what? It does bother me.

Okay? You're right.

And I hate having to tell you that.

Yeah? You hate having to tell
me it, yet I love hearing it.

Weird.

I'm an evolved, 21st century male.

I shouldn't think like this.

You know, the operative
word there was "male,"

and you may hide it with your
hemp sandals and your man-purse,

but you're a guy, just like the rest of us.

But I pride myself on
being better than that.

Now it's just like I'm turning into you.

(Chuckles)

First off, you wish.

And you're not turning into anything.

You've always been a guy.

Stop calling me that!

I just want to wait a few years,
'cause then I'll be working again

and I can help make the payments.

But this house is a really good deal.

And taking care of your family
means you got to act now,

and that might mean you
have to swallow your pride.

That is really hard.

I get it.

But if you can swallow those kale chips,
you can swallow just about anything.

(Door opens) Hey.

Hey, dad.

What are you doing here?

Um, just came over to talk about the house.

Oh. Yeah, I thought we
agreed to let that go.

I don't want you pressuring Ryan.

Uh, actually, your dad
made some good points.

What... so, you're
considering it?

Well, it does have that great yard... yeah.

...and it's across the street from the park.

I'm still really worried about the money.

Oh, honey. Honey, I got this.

She's got this. It's a lot
of money, but, you know...

and you got to worry about
property taxes and repairs.

And insurance and utilities.

Right. There's a million
things you got to think about.

But this isn't your problem. It's Kris'.

It just seems like a lot to put on her.

She can handle it. She's a Baxter.

She's not worried about
a 30-year mortgage.

Wow. 30 years.

Boyd's gonna be like 10 years older

than we are right now
before it's even paid off.

But the good thing is,
because of your wife,

your kid will be living in a great house.

Yeah. You're right.

You know what? That's important.

All right, I'm ready to jump into this.

Yeah. I'm not.

What? What?

"Kristin can do it. Kristin can do it."

A 30-year mortgage?

I got news for you...
Kristin ain't doing it!

Chicks, right?

Hi, there.

Hey. How'd it go?

(Chuckles)

Well... hi.

Ryan completely flipped
his attitude on the house.

Great!

So did Kristin.

Why?

Things were said, mistakes were made.

Who remembers exactly what happened?

She's panicking about a 30-year mortgage.

Oh. She was so excited about that house.

I said mistakes were
made. Quit harping on it.

She needs a little assurance right now.

Yeah, well, then why aren't you still
over there, talking to her about it?

I rarely say this, but... I'm not the
right person to do this... you are.

I am?

Let's not get too excited, okay?

Our bench isn't that deep.

(Mid-tempo music plays)

(Door handle rattles)

Go away, Mandy!

I could shut this sweatshop
down with one call!

It's me, Eve.

Your brother.

In-law.

To-be.

It's Kyle.

Oh. Sorry.

I thought it was Mandy.

And the emotional bruises
haven't healed yet.

Save it.

You abused my sweet and trusting nature,

and I am very disappointed
in you, young lady.

You're right.

I'm really sorry.

(Sighs) I'll never do it again.

I'm a horrible person!

Oh... no, no.
(Chuckles)

It's okay.

(Whimpers)

The important thing is,
you learned your lesson.

I really did.

You're a great big brother, Kyle.

(Laughs) All right.

Okay.

All right, you have fun, sport.

Wait a second.

You did it again!

Stupid sweet, trusting nature!

Kyle, I just really want
to be alone right now.

(Sighs)

Why is it so important
for you to be down here?

What are you doing?

And when did Mandy get a guitar?

It's mine, okay?

I've been writing songs,
and I come down here

to play them so nobody can hear them.

Why don't you want anyone else to hear?

Oh, do they really suck?

They're just personal.

Ever since I got rejected
from West Point...

I don't know... I've just
been feeling really lost.

I've been there.

Not West Point... lost.

Singing about it helps you?

Yeah.

Unfortunately, not a lot
of words rhyme with "point."

Just don't tell anybody, okay?

Oh, I won't.

But look, Mandy's got to
get down here to do her work.

Yeah, I know.

You know, my apartment's
empty all day when I'm at work.

I could make you a key,
and you could play there.

Really?

You would do that for me
even after I tricked you?

Of course.

Wait... unless this is another trick.

It's not.

Thanks, Kyle.

You really are a good big brother.

This is nothing.

Wait till you see me build a fort.

(Knock on door)

Oh, good.

I thought it was dad stopping
by to bug me about the house.

No, he gave that job to me.

Thanks for stopping by.

Hey, wai...

Honey.

I didn't come by to bug you. No?

I just want to give you something

that might ease your mind
about buying the house.

Oh. Here.

Is there a big-ass check in here?

No, no.

There's a picture of Boyd and Ryan...
just like there was a picture of me

when my grandmother gave it to your dad.

She said it would always remind
him not to worry about the house,

that home is where the heart is.

Aww.

Nana was always kind of cheesy.

I don't know.

I think she found a way to deliver a
profound message in a very simple way.

You just came up with this, didn't you?

No!

Mom, there's a target
sticker stuck on the back.

This family sucks at sentiment.

Your father wanted me to
talk to you about the house.

Why? So he can blame you
when I don't change my mind?

Oh. Quite possibly.

I hadn't considered that.

Mom, it's a 30-year mortgage, okay?

What if I can't keep up with the payments?

We'll lose the house, and
I'll let my family down.

I get it, honey. It's scary.

Yeah. But dad doesn't.

The only thing he's
ever been scared of is...

you know, I can't actually
think of an example.

I can.

When your father signed for our first
mortgage, he pressed down so hard

that he carved his name into the desk.

Are you serious?

Mm-hmm.

Why wouldn't he tell me that?

Well, would you have believed him?

No. I'd think he was trying to trick me.

Yeah. But you believe me.

Yeah.

Because you never try to trick me.

No, but I-I do. I do actually believe you.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm here.

So, dad bought the house
even though he was scared.

That's so annoyingly dad.

Honey, your father did not become
the folk hero he believes he is

by running from the things he's scared of.

He faced them.

And you're saying that I am like dad?

Well, God forbid one of you
should be like me, but yes.

Yes.

You want that house?

I do. (Groans) I really do.

Yeah, then do what your
father would do... go get it.

Okay.

Okay, I think I will.

Thanks, mom. This really helped.

Well, I was just speaking from the heart.

And dad knew you would.

He really is the great Mike Baxter.

Hey. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

When you're out for a
little stroll in the Rockies,

your pack may feel like a heavy burden,

but its contents are
actually keeping you alive.

Same with family.

Sure, there are times when your
spouse and your kids feel like

a backbreaking weight,
you know, slowing you down,

clipping your wings,
grinding you into a nub,

making your life miserable, just...

Where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no stronger force than a family...
man, woman, children.

As any builder will tell you, the
triangle's the strongest shape.

You don't believe me?

Try making this a rhombus... with
an extra girlfriend in there.

See how quickly that thing collapses.

Of course, every primary
breadwinner has seen

the "footprints in the sand" wall hanging
and thought, "I get your point, God,

but it's not you... it's me.

I'm carrying everybody."

And maybe sometimes you are.

But you couldn't carry them if they
weren't giving you the strength to do it.

Think about it.

Because there's nothing as mighty in
all the world as a loving family.

(Chuckles)

And they'll never find me up here.

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