All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s05e06 Halloween.eng

Halloween is so fun.

I just love seeing all
the little superheroes

before they can pronounce
their (Lisping) S's.

(Lisping) I'm Thuperman, and... and
my Thithter's name ith Thpider-man.

(Laughs)

Good morning, lovely ladies.

Yo. Hey.

Don't you mean, (Spookily) Ghoul morning?

Why didn't I walk straight to the car?

Honey, listen. I'm gonna need
you to come home a little early.

I can't decorate all by myself,
and the girls have plans.

I had plans 25 years ago.

Guess who messed that up.

Oh, I'm going to the
range to shoot at stuff,

and they're gonna dress up the
targets to look like werewolves.

Before they transform
or after they transform?

'Cause before they transform,
you're actually shooting people.

And now that I'm finally legal, I
can go to costume parties at bars

and not have my costume be the person
whose picture is on my fake I.D.

Don't worry, mom, I'll be responsible.

Oh, please.

By midnight, you'll be puking through
the eyeholes of your Hello Kitty mask.

Ah, joke's on you.

I'm going as "sexy pope," so
I'll be puking into my hat.

Wow. Everybody in hell will
think that's hysterical.

Sometimes I hate Halloween.
Why don't we just skip it?

No, we are doing Halloween,
Mike, and do you know why?

Girls, you're gonna see a rare event here...
I'm gonna lose an argument

'cause your mom is holding
the Halloween trump card...

Boyd.

- That's right, and we love our grandson...
- Mm-hmm.

...so as long as Boyd
is coming to this house,

we are gonna scare the hell out of him.

You got me, there.

As long as he's coming to this house.

Why did you repeat what I just said?

I talked to Ryan.

He's not letting Boyd come to this house.

- What? Why not?
- I don't know.

But something about the
slaughter of innocent pumpkins.

I don't know.

I don't listen to him, but that way
we don't have to do Halloween.

No, no, no. No, no.

Even if Boyd isn't coming,
it is still Halloween...

Honey, honey, honey.
...And we can give out candy

to kids in their cute little costumes

and... and see the excitement
on their little faces.

- Mom, it's over.
- Yeah.

Have some dignity.

Honey, we got no skin in this game.

Tonight's a perfect night
to watch a different game...

the Michigan Wolverines play
the Minnesota Golden Gophers.

But I already bought all the candy.

Well, just give it to dad.

He steals the good stuff
and hides it anyway.

You can't steal stuff that you pay for.

What happened to you?

You... you used
to love dressing up

and... and scaring the
trick-or-treaters and now this.

What?

I'm sorry, I'm just not ready for my
husband to turn into some grumpy old man.

I don't think it makes me a grumpy old man

because I don't like a bunch of damn
kids trampling over through my yard.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

(Doorbell rings)

I got it.

Hey, Chuck. Hey,
trick-or-treat.

Honey, it's our first
trick-or-treater.

It's... it's all the Pips.

Hi, Chuck.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Good.

I'm gonna leave this candy with you.

It's laced with marijuana.

Oh, I get it. I get it.

Funny black guy giving me drugs.

Get a funky sweater... Bill Cosby?

It's from your dad's pot shop.

I gave him a ride to the airport.

On the way, he remembered he
can't take that on the plane.

I'll put it in my gun safe.

Look at that... drugs and guns.

I'm definitely a libertarian.

See you're getting ready for the big night.

Carol's pretty excited, too.

I know, I know. We're
both gonna be witches.

Oh, so no costumes this year?

Carol wants me to be Denzel.

I guess a decorated marine can't
compete with a fake alcoholic pilot.

Oh, come on, Chuck.
Don't you want to dress up?

I'm a grown man!

I just want to put on my Gopher head

and watch Minnesota beat
the hell out of Michigan.

You are a Minnesota fan. That's right.

We should watch the game together.

No, no, no, no. I'd love to see a Gopher cry.

Come on, really.

- Well, you're not watching it here.
- Why not?

This house is doing Halloween.

Great. My place then.

I got cable just like you, except
I don't watch redneck fishing,

redneck hoarding, or
redneck storage spaces.

Why do you have cable?

Thank you.

Ed: Hey.

Happy Halloween, Ed.

Yeah, it's a great holiday, but, you know,

it's really best when the kids are little.

The smiles on their faces...
well, it's... it's just magical.

It's magical.

Mr. Alzate, is it all right if I
knock off a little early today?

- I have kids.
- Again with the kids?

And you also have a job.

Please, finish unloading the truck.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, there's nothing like seeing the
excitement on a kid's face on Halloween.

Cherish these days with Boyd, now.

Kris, please tell me these guys in costume
aren't waiters at the restaurant.

I don't want people serving wild game
around here with a hatchet in their head.

I told everyone "no costumes."

I already sent the Flash home to change,

which was over an hour ago,
so I guess he broke character.

I do not like to see
our employees in costume.

(As Ed) Couldn't agree more, Mikey.

You know, but if, uh, one
of our employees, like say,

I don't know, Kyle, were to come in
costume, we could let it slide, right?

Well, I suppose we're going to have to.

By the way, Mikey, love the Vlog.

Another home run.

We haven't posted it yet, Kyle.

Oh, I guess I only thought
you had 'cause I'm old.

Isn't that what you're
always saying about me?

(Chuckles) Because you are old.

Yep, I'm old.

So I just smile like
the proud Basque I am...

never showing my true feelings,
never letting anyone in,

which is kind of sad when you
think about it, so I don't.

And the cycle continues.

Uh, when Ed sees this, we may have an
employee with a hatchet in his head.

(Normal voice) What are you talking about?

I don't think Ed's gonna
think this is all that funny.

Oh, I don't know.

I-I think he'll see past the silly
beard and the silly no hair

and see it for what it is... okay.

...a loving tribute to a great man.

I don't know.

If it were me, I'd punch you in the face.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

What do we have here?

D-d-d-don't tell me. Don't tell me.

A zombie, huh?

You're one of those things that was dead,

but then it comes back to life
and still looks like it's dead.

Nope. I'm not a zombie.

I'm actually...

Don't tell him. Don't tell him.
Don't tell him.

- Don't tell him. Don't tell him.
- I'm you.

Ugh. You told him.

Me?

That's supposed to be me?

That's...

I love it. I love it. I love it!

I l... (Laughs) Look at that.

(Spookily) This is your reward for making
it through the gauntlet of horror.

We were going to make it a lot scarier,

but we didn't want to frighten
the really little kids...

And we opened the wine. (Laughs)

Sorry... magic potion.

Ah, did you see the excitement
on all their little faces?

Yeah. I mean, what could
possibly be better than this?

College football game,
according to our husbands.

You know, two grown men
sitting alone in a dark room...

Yeah. It just seems so sad.

- Touchdown!
- Penalty!

Bringing it back!

(Laughs)

So sad.

Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming.

I mean, Chuck never
wants to do anything new.

I tried to sign us up for
cooking class, swing dance.

Huh, I'm surprised Chuck
would need dance lessons.

Really? Why?

Well, he just must have great rhythm.

You know, b-because he was...
he was a marine and... and...

I mean, they...
they march, so...

You can stop.

- Oh, thank you.
- (Laughs)

Oh, gosh.

You know, Mike has become
pretty set in his ways, too.

For example, in the bedroom...

Oh, my God. Stop.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I meant, uh, the decorating.

He freaked out when he saw it was different.

Mm.

Yeah, but just so you know, the other
bedroom stuff... got no complaints.

- Oh.
- (Chuckles)

If we gonna talk about that bedroom stuff,
I'm going to need some more magic potion.

Oh.

I don't know, Carol. What are we gonna do?

This can't be the way things
are for the rest of our lives.

Yeah, this is how it should
be for the rest of our lives...

Cold beer, good football game, a neighbor...
who I'm neutral about

Yeah, I think it's great we've
reached an age where we can simplify.

My wife doesn't get that. For
instance, in the bedroom...

Time out, brother.

No, no, no.

I mean, when I got back
from the road this time,

she changed everything in the bedroom.

Oh. Like, everything.

Carol signed us up for cooking classes.

(Scoffs) I'd have gone, too, except
then I'd know how to cook...

And there goes a perfectly good excuse.

(Doorbell rings)

Did you order more pizza?

No, but you know what?
I was thinking about it.

Maybe these smartphones
are getting too smart.

We've got a line of
trick-or-treaters out there.

Someone covered my porch
with Jack-o'-lanterns.

It was the wives.

You just start enjoying
something... they ruin it.

Just like in the bedroom.

(Doorbell ringing) Don't open that door.

You... you'll unleash a hell storm of
little Disney characters and Batmans.

You will not be able to control it.

Don't open the... oh!

Together: Trick or treat.

The ladies across the street said
you were giving out the good stuff.

Oh. They did, did they?

You know what?

They're right.

"World's greatest mom." Here you go.

And, uh, oh!

Yeah, enjoy that women
today magazine, tiny nerd.

I see what we're doing.

Is this the wife's?

Oh, not anymore.

Well, look at that.

Now you got a master's
degree from Howard University.

OMG, I did such a
good job on your makeup!

I could get a job working in Hollywood,

you know, if they ever
make a movie about Ed.

(As Ed) Makeup?

I don't know what you're
talking about, little lady.

Ugh! No, no, no.

I don't want you to kiss
me when you look like that.

I would feel like I was
cheating on you with future you.

And I don't want future
you to be into young chicks.

(Normal voice) Yeah, but
y-you know it's just me.

Yeah, my ears do, but my eyes don't
and I hate it when they get confused.

It's like when I see that
movie with all the talking toys

and I keep thinking I hear my dad's voice.

(As Ed) (Grunts) Hey, there, Frankie.

You know, seeing you bust your hump here
every day reminds me of my old man.

I could cry.

But I won't, because real
men don't feel things.

Who am I kidding? Bring it in here, buddy.

Hey, Ed.

Still enjoying Kyle's impersonation of you?

No.

He's hugging all the employees.

He's opening up both of us to a lawsuit.

Let me help you with that.

I may be old, but I'm strong.

It's all the jazz dancing.

What the hell is he talking about?

Teenage girls jazz dance. I salsa.

Close your eyes or your
wish won't come true.

That's it. Okay. Okay.

So, I'm a damn genie now, huh?

Nice costume, Kyle.

This is a workplace. Party's over.

That was a brilliant idea, Carol...

Sending those trick-or-treaters
over to the guys.

(Laughs) Thank you. Yeah.

In my sorority days, I
was the big prankster.

Yeah, yeah, one time at a party, I
got everyone's attention and I said,

"Hey! Hey! We're all out of sloppy Joes!"

And I said, "just kidding.
There's plenty back there."

(Laughs) Yeah, you told me that.

That's why I figured I
should take the lead on this.

Hmm, you know, it's been pretty quiet.

I wonder where all those
trick-or-treaters are.

Well, maybe it's too important to you.

You know, kids can smell desperation.

There's plenty of kids out there,
but they're just walking by.

Lady.

Uh, this has Chuck written all over it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is actually a great thing.

Our husbands fired back.

Hey, maybe they're not dead inside.

Yeah. Well, we've got to keep this going.

The ball is in our court.

No, no, no, no, no. You mean, in my court.

Because this is a job for the Delta Delta
Delta prankster prankster prankster.

(Chuckles) Looks like
the wives brought lady in.

Ah, it's not over. Vanessa
will call at any minute and say,

"Uh, we're out of sloppy Joes."

Hey...

Chuck, you might want to watch this.

(Sighs) Man, you're on the
6-yard line, about to score.

Why would I want to see that?

So you can see what it
looks like when I'm happy.

Here we go.

Quick shovel pass and
they're gonna be in there.

In there! (Static crackles)

Woman: Ronald, I'm pregnant.

Why did you change the channel?

I didn't change the channel.

Well, look at this. Well, I wasn't...

- (Laughs)
- Oh, that was perfect!

You changed the channel right
when the pass was in the air!

Chuck was so condescending when he set
up this phone control of the DVR.

"It's technology.
How about you leave it to me?"

How about I stick it to you?

Yeah! (Both laugh)

I don't know what happened, but I fixed it.

Get off my back.

All right, all right, all right.

Got another shot at it... another shot.

A little rollout. Maybe
just a little rollout.

Watch this. Goes... go... (Static crackles)

Man: Are you sure the baby's mine, Andrea?

I will not help you
raise another man's baby.

For the love of God, what's happening?

I don't...

(Both laugh)

Lifetime...

Television for women who want
to mess with their husbands!

Please tell me you didn't tell her
how to program this from her phone.

No way. It's technology. I
told her to leave it to me.

We should have never engaged them...

Or got engaged to them...
see how that turned out.

Well (Clears throat) It's half time.

We got 20 minutes to figure
out how to get back at them.

What would you rather do, get back at
them or enjoy the rest of the game?

(Knock on door)

Hey, Mr. Alzate.

I'm finished for the day. I
was thinking I might take off.

Fine.

You know, I-I'm sorry if my
impression upset you today.

I-I'm still working on the voice.

That's not what pissed me off.

(As Ed) That's not what pissed me off.

Please, stop working
on the voice, all right?

The whole thing was insulting.

(Normal voice) I didn't mean it to be.

It was meant to be a tribute.

A tribute?

Oh, that's why everybody was laughing, huh?

"Oh, wouldn't it be
wonderful if Ed was nice?

Ah, Hardy Hardy Hardy. Yeah, yeah."

But you are nice.

No, Kyle, I'm not.

I wanted to be.

(Groans)

Yeah, I'd always promised myself
I'd be exactly like Mr. Finch.

He was my first boss.

I loved him. Everybody loved him.

I mean, you had any problems at work or
with your girl, you go to Mr. Finch.

Yep.

Yeah, he was a caring man.

You're like that.

Well, maybe I used to be, but, you know...

It's a tough business. You
have to make hard decisions.

You know, you fire enough
guys with... with families,

you have to convince
yourself that it doesn't hurt.

Then one day, it doesn't.

There's a positive.

Kyle, go home. Go ahead.

All right, but if I only get to
be you for a few more minutes...

Yeah... I've got something I want to say.

I may tell people that being tough
doesn't hurt anymore, but it does.

Or else I wouldn't have gotten so mad

at that loveable goofball who
was dressed like me all day.

Okay, Kyle.

And now the Ed I am would
hug you and we'd cry.

And the Ed I am would
punch you and you'd cry.

How about this?

You're a good man, Ed.

You're a good man, too, Ed.

Oh, come on with that.

Is it weird this feel so right?

Way to kill your moment, kid.

(Sighs) Hey, ladies.

Hey, what are you guys doing back so early?

Don't you want to see how the game ends

or if Ronald gets back
together with Andrea?

Look, we just want to watch the game.

You know, you win. You
win. We just want peace.

Oh, everybody wants peace, honey,
you know, when you're losing.

Let us finish watching the game.

And next Halloween, we'll be all over it.

I'll be Denzel and... and I won't
even ask you to be Halle Berry.

But I won't stop you.

(Laughs)

What do you think, Carol?
Should we let them off the hook?

I don't know.

Well, w-what if I sweeten the deal

by saying... Chuck will go dancing with you?

- Done.
- Hey!

How'd you figure out the
phone/DVR thing, anyway?

YouTube. You better watch out.

Saw a video on how to sew
a grown man into a bedsheet.

(Chuckles) Okay, let's go, Mike.

But be prepared... my Gophers are a
second-half team. (Doorbell rings)

Explains why they did so badly first half.

- Hey.
- Trick or treat!

You guys need to talk to the witches.

Ooh, you look so scary!

Ooh. Eve, honey, we're
running low on candy!

Seriously? I just dumped a bag
in there like five minutes ago.

You used the candy from that bag?

Yeah, I found it in your gun safe.

Holy crap.

Why were you in my gun safe?

Well, I went to the range, remember?

I was putting my pistol back.

Sorry I gave away your candy stash.

Holy crap!

What's the big deal?

That's the candy I got from Mike's dad.

It was laced with marijuana.

So it really was a stash.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We gave marijuana to children.

We're dealers!

I-I was never here.

Not too many drug pushers
get into West Point.

Where are you going?

We've got to get that stuff back!

So you're literally gonna
take candy from babies.

Sweetie, let me get a look inside that bag.

- No.
- Just a little peek.

Just a little peek!

For God's sake, give me the bag!

Witches are taking my candy!
Witches are taking my candy!

What are you doing with
my master's diploma?

(Siren wails)

Uh-oh.

(Police radio chatter)

(Gasps) Oh, my God.

Carol, uh, you do the talking.

Cops make me nervous.

They make you nervous?

Hey, fellas, what can we do for you?

We've had some very disturbing reports

about tainted candy being
handed out in this area.

Is this your house?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yes, it is,

uh, uh, officer... Schlumbrecht, is it?

Gosh, that is such a pretty name.

Vanessa, give it a rest.

Just a misunderstanding.
Nothing really was going on here.

- Step back, sir.
- I'm not doing anything.

I'm just explaining what's going on.

You want to talk about
this down at the station?

- No. No, I don't want to...
- Hey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Aren't
you guys overreacting?

You want to go with him, sir?

- Maybe I do!
- Chuck!

No, you got to have a
warrant. We have rights here.

It was us, officer.

We... we... we gave
out the pot candy.

She's right. It was us.

Mainly her.

So your husbands had absolutely
nothing to do with this?

No, no, no. They were just
trying to enjoy the game.

Yes, we were just trying to enjoy the game.

Wait. Why did you just repeat what I said?

Because you didn't do anything wrong,
except mess with the wrong guys!

- (Laughter)
- What?

What?!

That's right! W-we set up the whole thing.

These two officers moonlight
for my security company.

- Thanks, guys.
- No problem.

Call me.

I texted Eve. I told her to take
the candy out of the gun safe.

Well, where is the pot candy now?

The candy never left the safe.

Yeah.

You should have seen the
look on your face, mom.

Okay.

(Sighs) You were
right. Halloween is great.

Priceless.

(Laughing) "The witches
are taking my candy!

The witches are taking my candy!"

Okay. Okay, fine. You two got us.

But at least we got you
guys off of the couch.

And remember what you said...
next Halloween we go all-out.

Oh, you silly witch.
Those were terms for peace!

We won the war.

- Back to the game.
- That's right.

(Whistles) That's it.

Come on. Everybody out.

Go home. Enjoy Halloween
with your families.

Come on. Go. Come on.

(As Ed) You heard me.

Wow. You're getting better.

And if any of you are
having problems at work

or with your girl, you come see me.

Dennis, what are you still doing here?

You've got kids.

Yeah, well, I also have a job.

Not anymore.

What?

I meant tonight. Go home.

You're done. Enjoy the kids.

Go ahead. I'll finish unloading the truck.

I'm still strong enough...
From jazz dancing.

(Normal voice) You
see that? You are nice.

Mm. When I said, "I'll finish it,"
I meant you.

Come on.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0