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1
00:00:01,012 --> 00:00:03,847
"Last Man Standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:03,948 --> 00:00:05,349
Just going away for the weekend, honey.
3
00:00:05,450 --> 00:00:07,651
Do you have to pack all your anvils?
4
00:00:07,752 --> 00:00:10,554
Man! A suite at the Four Seasons?
5
00:00:10,622 --> 00:00:13,257
This is some anniversary
present Ed got you guys.
6
00:00:13,358 --> 00:00:15,525
He knows when my birthday is, right?
7
00:00:15,627 --> 00:00:18,996
You know the best thing about
going to Vail during ski season?
8
00:00:19,097 --> 00:00:20,530
No crowds.
9
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:22,933
Mandy. Yes.
10
00:00:23,034 --> 00:00:26,770
Honey, there is a pan of ziti in the
fridge for dinner when Eve gets home...
11
00:00:26,871 --> 00:00:28,038
350 for an hour.
12
00:00:28,139 --> 00:00:30,173
You don't have to make us
food. I know how to cook.
13
00:00:30,274 --> 00:00:32,209
What does "350" mean?
14
00:00:32,310 --> 00:00:36,313
That's what ziti gets
paid per hour, so eat fast.
15
00:00:36,414 --> 00:00:38,582
We got to hustle. They say
the roads are getting bad.
16
00:00:38,683 --> 00:00:39,616
Okay, okay, okay.
17
00:00:39,717 --> 00:00:41,885
And please just remember to walk
Muffin so he can do his business.
18
00:00:41,986 --> 00:00:42,886
I thought we got him fixed.
19
00:00:42,987 --> 00:00:44,454
That's not the part we had fixed.
20
00:00:44,555 --> 00:00:46,757
Oh, Mom, the website says
that there's an indoor pool.
21
00:00:46,858 --> 00:00:49,760
If you want, you can borrow the bathing
suit I got for spring break...
22
00:00:49,861 --> 00:00:51,962
you know, if you have room
for it in your suitcase.
23
00:00:52,063 --> 00:00:53,730
(Chuckling) Oh, yeah, I
have seen that bathing suit,
24
00:00:53,831 --> 00:00:55,732
and there is room for it in my wallet.
25
00:00:56,411 --> 00:00:57,972
I want you to take care of your sister.
26
00:00:58,002 --> 00:00:59,369
You're in charge of the house. (Sighs)
27
00:00:59,470 --> 00:01:01,171
I know you're old enough.
I don't need to say this.
28
00:01:01,305 --> 00:01:03,507
But, uh, yeah, goodbye, house.
29
00:01:07,478 --> 00:01:09,212
Whew. That's not my point.
30
00:01:09,313 --> 00:01:12,783
My point is closing the highway
in Colorado because of snow
31
00:01:12,884 --> 00:01:16,920
is like closing California because
they're wrong about everything.
32
00:01:17,021 --> 00:01:19,489
Well, I, for one, am
glad they turned us back.
33
00:01:19,590 --> 00:01:22,592
I mean, we saw three cars
spin out and a truck jackknife.
34
00:01:22,693 --> 00:01:24,653
- I'm not saying it wasn't exciting.
- Aw, just...
35
00:01:24,695 --> 00:01:29,666
Why does our house look like the
greenroom of "good morning, Denver"?
36
00:01:30,535 --> 00:01:32,269
Hey!
37
00:01:34,372 --> 00:01:36,773
Happy anniversary!
38
00:01:38,576 --> 00:01:40,810
Mandy, you... you
threw us a party.
39
00:01:40,912 --> 00:01:44,247
(Singsong voice) You better believe it.
40
00:01:44,348 --> 00:01:46,116
How did you know we were coming back?
41
00:01:46,217 --> 00:01:47,717
Oh, wait a minute. I got it.
42
00:01:47,818 --> 00:01:49,986
You heard that the Four
Seasons burned down.
43
00:01:50,087 --> 00:01:51,788
Yes.
44
00:01:51,889 --> 00:01:54,057
I saw that on the news, you guys.
45
00:01:54,158 --> 00:01:54,891
Oh, my God.
46
00:01:54,992 --> 00:01:56,226
And my first thought was,
47
00:01:56,327 --> 00:01:58,161
"this is totally gonna wreck
Mom and Dad's anniversary."
48
00:01:58,262 --> 00:02:00,163
Then I was like, "not on my watch."
49
00:02:00,264 --> 00:02:01,598
So...
50
00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:05,368
...happy anniversary!
51
00:02:05,469 --> 00:02:07,937
The Four Seasons did not burn down.
52
00:02:08,038 --> 00:02:11,474
It's an anniversary miracle!
53
00:02:11,575 --> 00:02:12,976
So you're gonna have a little party, huh?
54
00:02:13,077 --> 00:02:14,077
No. (Chuckles)
55
00:02:14,178 --> 00:02:15,478
(Doorbell rings) I'm gonna get that.
56
00:02:15,579 --> 00:02:17,547
Probably just some lost people
who are carrying pretzels.
57
00:02:17,648 --> 00:02:19,315
Please move out of the way. Move it.
58
00:02:19,416 --> 00:02:20,283
Okay.
59
00:02:21,819 --> 00:02:22,619
Hey! Hey!
60
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:23,987
And you brought beer?
61
00:02:24,088 --> 00:02:25,154
Yeah, it's for the party.
62
00:02:25,222 --> 00:02:26,890
Oh, you're one of those cool dads, huh?
63
00:02:26,991 --> 00:02:27,891
(Laughs mockingly)
64
00:02:27,992 --> 00:02:28,758
No.
65
00:02:29,793 --> 00:02:31,227
Aw, Mandy. (Door closes)
66
00:02:31,328 --> 00:02:32,362
I am so disappointed.
67
00:02:32,463 --> 00:02:35,298
So am I. What is fat bastard ale?
68
00:02:36,834 --> 00:02:39,836
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com
69
00:02:43,674 --> 00:02:44,607
It was just a party.
70
00:02:44,708 --> 00:02:46,042
I didn't think it was that big a deal.
71
00:02:46,143 --> 00:02:49,279
With underage kids, liquor, and my guns?
72
00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:52,148
This is how the Alamo got started.
73
00:02:52,249 --> 00:02:55,585
Hey, hey, some kid could've left here
drunk and wrapped his car around a tree.
74
00:02:55,686 --> 00:02:56,886
We'd be liable for that.
75
00:02:56,987 --> 00:02:59,021
And to do all this with your
little sister in the house...
76
00:02:59,123 --> 00:03:01,524
Mandy, the one thing we asked you
to do was to take care of Eve.
77
00:03:01,592 --> 00:03:03,426
You asked me to do a lot of things.
78
00:03:03,527 --> 00:03:04,494
I did some of them.
79
00:03:04,595 --> 00:03:06,562
I gave the dog ziti exactly at 3:50.
80
00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:11,234
Uh... What happened?
81
00:03:11,335 --> 00:03:12,535
I thought you guys were going to Vail.
82
00:03:12,636 --> 00:03:16,205
The hotel burned down
...but not really.
83
00:03:16,273 --> 00:03:17,306
They closed I-70.
84
00:03:17,408 --> 00:03:19,575
Look, did you know anything
about Mandy's party?
85
00:03:19,676 --> 00:03:20,676
What?
86
00:03:20,778 --> 00:03:21,778
(Chuckling) Yeah, right.
87
00:03:21,845 --> 00:03:24,547
Like I would invite her to my party.
88
00:03:24,648 --> 00:03:25,615
(Doorbell rings)
89
00:03:25,716 --> 00:03:27,149
If those are more of your friends,
90
00:03:27,251 --> 00:03:29,318
let's just hope they have
a beer that I recognize.
91
00:03:30,888 --> 00:03:31,621
(Chuckling) Hey.
92
00:03:31,722 --> 00:03:32,788
Detective Mike Baxter.
93
00:03:32,890 --> 00:03:34,790
I have a few questions for you all.
94
00:03:38,028 --> 00:03:41,030
I want you to go text all your friends
and tell them the party's off
95
00:03:41,131 --> 00:03:43,232
and then come back down
here and clean up this mess.
96
00:03:43,333 --> 00:03:44,367
Okay. And watch Muffin.
97
00:03:44,468 --> 00:03:47,470
If he starts doing circles, that
ziti's looking for a way out.
98
00:03:48,572 --> 00:03:51,107
You know what? Thank God
that highway got snowed out.
99
00:03:51,208 --> 00:03:52,808
'Cause we're here yelling at our kids
100
00:03:52,909 --> 00:03:56,045
rather than being rubbed down by some
Croatian woman in a four-star hotel.
101
00:03:56,146 --> 00:03:58,447
Did you buy all that stuff with Eve?
102
00:03:58,548 --> 00:04:00,483
She knew about this party.
103
00:04:00,584 --> 00:04:03,319
I guess we can't count on Eve
to tell on her sisters anymore.
104
00:04:04,888 --> 00:04:06,422
Right.
105
00:04:06,523 --> 00:04:09,091
We'll have to adopt a
new kid to spy on them.
106
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,963
I wonder what Russian
babies go for these days.
107
00:04:14,064 --> 00:04:15,831
You know, Mandy's got to be punished.
108
00:04:15,932 --> 00:04:18,267
She's not gonna be 21 for
another two whole months.
109
00:04:18,368 --> 00:04:20,736
What is the rush to start drinking, anyway?
110
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:24,940
Boy.
111
00:04:25,041 --> 00:04:26,842
No wonder this bastard got fat.
112
00:04:29,679 --> 00:04:33,293
So, this will be a low wall between
the restaurant and the shopping area.
113
00:04:33,324 --> 00:04:34,146
I gotcha. Okay.
114
00:04:34,217 --> 00:04:36,485
We will let the customers
see how good the food looks,
115
00:04:36,586 --> 00:04:37,953
and that will draw them in.
116
00:04:38,054 --> 00:04:39,822
What if the food looks terrible?
117
00:04:39,889 --> 00:04:41,824
Won't that have the opposite effect?
118
00:04:41,925 --> 00:04:44,326
Uh... Let me see. How can I fix that?
119
00:04:44,427 --> 00:04:46,595
Oh, I know... the food
won't look terrible.
120
00:04:46,696 --> 00:04:47,763
All right.
121
00:04:47,864 --> 00:04:50,165
Well, I'm just here to
ask the hard questions.
122
00:04:50,266 --> 00:04:51,026
That's my job.
123
00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:52,765
But they have to be reasonable.
124
00:04:52,836 --> 00:04:54,703
What if a meteor hit the restaurant?
125
00:04:54,804 --> 00:04:58,674
Well, then your low walls will
offer no protection whatsoever.
126
00:05:00,076 --> 00:05:03,846
I'm just busting your chops, Kristin...
assuming girls have chops.
127
00:05:03,947 --> 00:05:06,315
Your dad was right to bring you in on this.
128
00:05:06,416 --> 00:05:07,349
You're top-notch.
129
00:05:07,450 --> 00:05:09,818
Thank you.
130
00:05:09,919 --> 00:05:11,453
Speaking of my dad... (Chuckles)
131
00:05:11,554 --> 00:05:14,957
That was quite the extravagant
anniversary present you got my parents.
132
00:05:15,058 --> 00:05:18,594
Well, after 10 years, it's safe
to spend big bucks on a gift.
133
00:05:18,695 --> 00:05:22,698
Before that, you give cheap stuff
they can split up when they do.
134
00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:25,567
You realize I'm getting married in a month?
135
00:05:25,668 --> 00:05:26,735
Numbers don't lie.
136
00:05:26,836 --> 00:05:31,406
Before the 10-year anniversary, you
know, 50% of marriages end in divorce.
137
00:05:31,507 --> 00:05:33,809
Actually, I heard that is a myth.
138
00:05:33,910 --> 00:05:36,678
No, Bigfoot is a myth, and if it's not,
139
00:05:36,779 --> 00:05:40,048
there are 10 Bigfoots
and 5 have been divorced.
140
00:05:40,149 --> 00:05:43,085
So, you're... you're saying
that my marriage to Ryan
141
00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:45,921
has a 50% chance of lasting 10 years?
142
00:05:46,022 --> 00:05:50,425
No, I'm saying that your gift will be
something easily divisible by two.
143
00:05:54,430 --> 00:05:55,931
(Video game beeping)
144
00:05:56,032 --> 00:05:57,332
Hello.
145
00:05:57,433 --> 00:05:58,633
Hey. What's your scam?
146
00:05:58,734 --> 00:05:59,668
What are you up to?
147
00:05:59,769 --> 00:06:01,203
I'm not up to anything.
148
00:06:01,270 --> 00:06:03,772
I'm just sitting here
slinging birds at pigs.
149
00:06:03,873 --> 00:06:06,174
(Groans) Come on. You
must want something from me.
150
00:06:06,275 --> 00:06:10,212
Otherwise, you wouldn't have pretended
it was your party when it was mine.
151
00:06:10,313 --> 00:06:13,715
You... you wouldn't understand.
152
00:06:13,816 --> 00:06:15,936
You're gonna get in trouble
covering for me like this.
153
00:06:15,951 --> 00:06:17,185
Mom and Dad are really pissed.
154
00:06:17,286 --> 00:06:18,920
Yeah, but not surprised.
155
00:06:19,021 --> 00:06:21,823
You know, they expect
stuff like this from me.
156
00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:26,594
You, on the other hand, you're the
little goose that poops the golden eggs.
157
00:06:27,897 --> 00:06:29,197
A goose does not poop eggs.
158
00:06:29,298 --> 00:06:29,898
Really?
159
00:06:29,999 --> 00:06:33,001
After my nice gesture, you're
gonna get all biology on me here?
160
00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,303
And honestly, since when do you care?
161
00:06:35,404 --> 00:06:38,239
You've ratted me out to
them like a million times.
162
00:06:38,340 --> 00:06:41,209
Yeah, and this was a perfect
chance for you to get back at me.
163
00:06:41,310 --> 00:06:43,244
Well, maybe I'm just the better sister.
164
00:06:45,181 --> 00:06:46,881
We all know that's not it.
165
00:06:46,982 --> 00:06:50,718
Look, Kristin's covered for me
before, I've covered for her.
166
00:06:50,819 --> 00:06:53,488
It's just what sisters are supposed to do.
167
00:06:54,890 --> 00:06:55,957
Well, thanks.
168
00:06:56,058 --> 00:06:58,226
You're welcome.
169
00:06:58,327 --> 00:07:02,730
If Kristin listened to me, Mom and Dad
still wouldn't know she has a kid.
170
00:07:06,930 --> 00:07:11,033
Looks like our anniversary dinner's
gonna be cold ziti and celery sticks.
171
00:07:11,134 --> 00:07:13,602
All right, I'll take
the ziti and a rolaids.
172
00:07:13,703 --> 00:07:15,671
What are we gonna do about Mandy? You know?
173
00:07:15,772 --> 00:07:18,174
I mean, her... her punishment
has to be something big.
174
00:07:18,275 --> 00:07:19,208
A boat.
175
00:07:19,309 --> 00:07:21,410
She'd hate it if I got a boat out of this.
176
00:07:21,511 --> 00:07:23,178
What about her spring-break trip?
177
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:24,847
I think we should cancel that.
178
00:07:24,948 --> 00:07:26,582
Oh, that's kind of cruel.
179
00:07:26,683 --> 00:07:29,718
I was looking forward to
her being gone for a while.
180
00:07:29,819 --> 00:07:31,854
If we can't trust her
judgment when she's home,
181
00:07:31,955 --> 00:07:36,959
who knows what she's gonna do in
Canc?n in a wallet-size bikini?
182
00:07:37,060 --> 00:07:41,630
You know, if I had a boat, I could,
you know, watch her from the boat.
183
00:07:41,731 --> 00:07:43,098
Baby, come on. She's almost 21.
184
00:07:43,199 --> 00:07:45,093
I really don't see what
the problem is here.
185
00:07:45,124 --> 00:07:45,624
(Sighs)
186
00:07:45,669 --> 00:07:47,903
Well, when I tried to
pull something like this,
187
00:07:48,004 --> 00:07:50,305
my parents came down on
me like a ton of bricks.
188
00:07:50,407 --> 00:07:51,206
Oh, boy.
189
00:07:51,307 --> 00:07:55,044
Is this that ugly, ugly story about
when you got your first a-minus?
190
00:07:55,145 --> 00:07:57,846
No, no, no, no I never told
this to anyone before,
191
00:07:57,947 --> 00:08:01,150
but my parents used to take April
and me to Cedar Point every year.
192
00:08:01,251 --> 00:08:02,885
Uh-huh. Right.
193
00:08:02,986 --> 00:08:05,654
And when I was 17, I had summer
school, so I stayed home.
194
00:08:05,755 --> 00:08:07,523
I mean, I didn't really need summer school.
195
00:08:07,624 --> 00:08:09,691
I just wanted to get a
jump on the next semester.
196
00:08:11,561 --> 00:08:14,396
I can see why you never
told anyone this story.
197
00:08:14,497 --> 00:08:16,965
Just wait. This jet is about to take off.
Okay.
198
00:08:17,066 --> 00:08:19,601
Okay, so, the first night
I have the house to myself,
199
00:08:19,702 --> 00:08:23,138
I invite a few friends over
for a "Dance Fever" party.
200
00:08:23,239 --> 00:08:24,706
I mean, you had those,
right? "Dance Fever"?
201
00:08:24,807 --> 00:08:25,707
(Snaps fingers)
202
00:08:25,808 --> 00:08:27,142
(Laughs) Yeah.
203
00:08:27,243 --> 00:08:30,379
So, my girlfriends come over to dance.
204
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,915
Oh, and we danced good, Mike.
205
00:08:34,017 --> 00:08:39,488
And then suddenly, the door flies open,
and there they are... my parents.
206
00:08:39,589 --> 00:08:40,589
Yeah.
207
00:08:40,690 --> 00:08:42,491
My sister ratted me out.
208
00:08:42,592 --> 00:08:45,527
They grounded me for two whole months.
209
00:08:45,628 --> 00:08:47,763
And you were dancing so good.
210
00:08:47,864 --> 00:08:49,197
(Doorbell rings)
211
00:08:49,298 --> 00:08:50,632
(Sighing) Yeah.
212
00:08:50,733 --> 00:08:52,134
You know what?
213
00:08:52,235 --> 00:08:55,837
Worse than being grounded, my parents
said they were disappointed in me,
214
00:08:55,938 --> 00:08:57,873
and some people say
that's the worst punishment
215
00:08:57,974 --> 00:08:59,274
you can get when you're a kid.
216
00:08:59,375 --> 00:09:02,911
Those people have never been smacked
in the head with a brown wing tip.
217
00:09:04,408 --> 00:09:05,969
Hey, Dad, I was just talking about you.
218
00:09:05,999 --> 00:09:06,499
Oh, hi.
219
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:08,921
- Hi, Bud. How are you?
- Hello, Michael.
220
00:09:08,951 --> 00:09:10,719
Vanessa.
221
00:09:10,820 --> 00:09:14,956
I needed to come by on this happy occasion.
222
00:09:15,057 --> 00:09:18,293
Oh, that's sweet, but our anniversary
celebration hit a little glitch.
223
00:09:18,394 --> 00:09:19,895
Is it your anniversary?
224
00:09:19,996 --> 00:09:20,729
Yes, Dad.
225
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:25,133
27 years ago today, you got into
a fistfight at our reception.
226
00:09:25,234 --> 00:09:28,637
As I recall, that jackass had it coming.
227
00:09:28,738 --> 00:09:29,905
What the hell was his name?
228
00:09:30,006 --> 00:09:32,040
Reverend Turner.
229
00:09:32,141 --> 00:09:34,342
So, what is your happy occasion, Bud?
230
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,344
Your brother Jimmy's in town.
231
00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:38,947
He's taking me out for a big, fat steak.
232
00:09:39,048 --> 00:09:42,484
But I needed a necktie, so here I am.
233
00:09:42,585 --> 00:09:43,852
You don't have a necktie?
234
00:09:43,953 --> 00:09:45,120
Not anymore.
235
00:09:45,221 --> 00:09:49,024
When I opened the weed shop, I decided
I should start dressing more groovy.
236
00:09:49,125 --> 00:09:50,692
(Laughs)
237
00:09:50,793 --> 00:09:52,627
So, number 27?
238
00:09:52,728 --> 00:09:53,628
Vanessa: Yeah.
239
00:09:53,729 --> 00:09:56,564
That's the... Dorito anniversary?
240
00:09:56,666 --> 00:09:59,334
Oh, no, no, no. This isn't for us.
241
00:09:59,435 --> 00:10:02,404
Mandy tried to sneak in a party
because she thought we were gone.
242
00:10:02,505 --> 00:10:03,338
That's hilarious.
243
00:10:03,439 --> 00:10:04,673
No.
244
00:10:04,774 --> 00:10:06,135
Actually, it's not hilarious, dad.
245
00:10:06,142 --> 00:10:09,344
It never is when the
chickens come home to roost,
246
00:10:09,445 --> 00:10:10,845
and you're the roost.
247
00:10:10,946 --> 00:10:12,280
What do you mean?
248
00:10:12,381 --> 00:10:14,382
When Mike was a kid,
he was a piece of work.
249
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:16,084
He was always getting in trouble.
250
00:10:16,152 --> 00:10:18,486
- I wasn't always in trouble.
- Always in trouble.
251
00:10:18,587 --> 00:10:22,557
I'll bet he never told you about the
time he stole my truck and wrecked it.
252
00:10:22,658 --> 00:10:24,859
- You stole your dad's truck?
- Yes.
253
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,562
I'm an infamous truck thief.
Do you want your ring back?
254
00:10:28,831 --> 00:10:30,365
He rolled it into a creek bed.
255
00:10:30,466 --> 00:10:32,367
I kicked your ass pretty good for that.
256
00:10:32,468 --> 00:10:35,268
That's a great story you can tell the
geezers when I put you in a home.
257
00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:37,872
I had to be hard on you.
258
00:10:37,973 --> 00:10:39,073
Jimmy idolized you.
259
00:10:39,174 --> 00:10:41,676
I didn't want him going down the same path.
260
00:10:41,777 --> 00:10:43,611
I never had to beat that kid.
261
00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:45,914
That's how my dad's
generation played favorites.
262
00:10:46,015 --> 00:10:48,249
"Beat this one, but
let's not beat that one."
263
00:10:49,391 --> 00:10:52,191
Listen, pop, I got the tie I was gonna
wear for our anniversary dinner.
264
00:10:52,221 --> 00:10:53,454
What do you think of that?
265
00:10:53,556 --> 00:10:55,890
It's a little flamboyant,
don't you think, Michael?
266
00:10:55,991 --> 00:10:59,627
Yeah, it's out there. It's two colors.
267
00:10:59,728 --> 00:11:01,496
I know where you keep your ties.
268
00:11:01,597 --> 00:11:05,099
I want a necktie, not a new lifestyle.
269
00:11:08,871 --> 00:11:11,706
Let's go with the bigger lettering
on the menus, all right?
270
00:11:11,807 --> 00:11:14,942
A lot of our customers are older,
and they don't see very well.
271
00:11:15,044 --> 00:11:16,811
And yet you sell them guns.
272
00:11:19,248 --> 00:11:20,609
Can I ask you a personal question?
273
00:11:20,649 --> 00:11:21,549
Go ahead.
274
00:11:21,650 --> 00:11:23,130
How many times have you been married?
275
00:11:24,353 --> 00:11:26,354
Uh... I'm sorry, what?
276
00:11:26,455 --> 00:11:28,823
Four.
277
00:11:28,924 --> 00:11:30,958
And none of them lasted 10 years?
278
00:11:31,060 --> 00:11:37,198
My marriage record reads like my
golf scores... a 6, a 7, a 9, an 8.
279
00:11:37,299 --> 00:11:39,100
Why do you think that is?
280
00:11:39,201 --> 00:11:42,770
I've been told I don't
rotate my hips very well.
281
00:11:44,606 --> 00:11:46,674
I hope you're talking about golf.
282
00:11:46,775 --> 00:11:47,842
(Sighs)
283
00:11:47,943 --> 00:11:51,312
Marriage is very, very complicated,
and affairs don't help.
284
00:11:51,413 --> 00:11:53,347
Marriage counselors tend to frown on those.
285
00:11:53,449 --> 00:11:54,382
Not ours.
286
00:11:54,449 --> 00:11:56,851
He had one with wife number two.
287
00:11:56,952 --> 00:11:59,520
This is not what I want
to hear, Mr. Alzate.
288
00:11:59,621 --> 00:12:00,988
I'm about to get married,
289
00:12:01,089 --> 00:12:04,091
and there's no way for me
to know if it's gonna last.
290
00:12:04,193 --> 00:12:06,494
It... it's scary.
291
00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:10,531
Kristin, everybody feels like
that before they get married.
292
00:12:10,632 --> 00:12:11,632
I guess that's true.
293
00:12:11,733 --> 00:12:15,469
I felt like that four times.
294
00:12:15,571 --> 00:12:17,071
And I was right every time.
295
00:12:21,428 --> 00:12:22,948
All right, I want to bring Mandy down,
296
00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:24,679
but we have to agree on her punishment.
(Doorbell rings)
297
00:12:24,813 --> 00:12:28,349
Hey, if it's not too cruel, have her
sit through that "Dance Fever" story.
298
00:12:29,418 --> 00:12:31,786
Just got to be honest...
that jet never took off.
299
00:12:34,289 --> 00:12:35,256
Hey, Cammy.
300
00:12:35,357 --> 00:12:37,558
Oh. Mr. Baxter. You're here.
301
00:12:37,659 --> 00:12:40,895
Yeah, I'm here in my own
home. Crazy world, huh?
302
00:12:40,996 --> 00:12:41,896
Hey, Cammy.
303
00:12:41,997 --> 00:12:43,564
What, uh... what
do you have there?
304
00:12:43,665 --> 00:12:44,932
Karaoke machine?
305
00:12:45,033 --> 00:12:46,500
Where?
306
00:12:47,502 --> 00:12:50,004
In the box that says
"Karaoke Machine" on it.
307
00:12:50,105 --> 00:12:52,006
Oh. (Laughs) (Chuckles)
308
00:12:52,107 --> 00:12:53,174
As a matter of fact, I do.
309
00:12:53,275 --> 00:12:54,375
(Chuckling) Hey.
310
00:12:54,476 --> 00:12:55,876
You bringing that to the party?
311
00:12:55,977 --> 00:12:57,545
Party? No, no, no.
312
00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:02,917
I-I just thought you guys might want a
k-karaoke machine because they're...
313
00:13:03,018 --> 00:13:05,086
Fun for the whole family.
314
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,059
Look, Cammy, you've always
been a really honest kid,
315
00:13:08,089 --> 00:13:09,290
and I like you because...
316
00:13:09,391 --> 00:13:11,459
Eve asked me to bring it
for her party. I'm sorry.
317
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,027
Eve? Wait, Eve's party?
318
00:13:13,128 --> 00:13:15,429
I don't want to say anything else
if it's gonna get her in trouble.
319
00:13:15,530 --> 00:13:16,931
Eve's the one who's throwing the party?
320
00:13:17,032 --> 00:13:19,166
Oh, God! Why was I born?!
321
00:13:20,068 --> 00:13:21,635
I-I should go.
322
00:13:21,736 --> 00:13:23,456
Listen, but it's okay,
it's okay. Calm down.
323
00:13:23,538 --> 00:13:26,507
Anybody would've caved under the
torture you just put yourself through.
324
00:13:30,979 --> 00:13:34,615
Well, I can't believe Eve
would pull something like this.
325
00:13:34,674 --> 00:13:35,954
You know what...
I can't believe
326
00:13:35,984 --> 00:13:37,484
that Mandy was willing
to take the rap for this.
327
00:13:37,585 --> 00:13:38,919
It sounds like you admire her for that.
328
00:13:39,020 --> 00:13:41,922
I do. I told her to take care
of her sister, and she did.
329
00:13:42,023 --> 00:13:42,956
Yeah, by lying.
330
00:13:43,058 --> 00:13:45,059
I lied for my little brother all the time.
331
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,462
That story about my dad's truck...
I never rolled my dad's truck.
332
00:13:48,563 --> 00:13:49,630
That was Jimmy.
333
00:13:49,731 --> 00:13:53,033
Took it out for a joyride, flips it
in the creek, almost killed himself.
334
00:13:53,134 --> 00:13:56,003
He comes back, he's scared to death
of what my dad's gonna do to him.
335
00:13:56,104 --> 00:13:57,665
So you told your dad it was you. Right.
336
00:13:57,672 --> 00:14:00,174
He was 15. It would have been
far worse on him, you know?
337
00:14:00,275 --> 00:14:01,642
Plus, he was Dad's favorite.
338
00:14:01,743 --> 00:14:02,983
Just like Eve is your favorite?
339
00:14:03,011 --> 00:14:04,311
Used to be.
340
00:14:04,412 --> 00:14:06,847
The new rankings come out tomorrow.
341
00:14:11,882 --> 00:14:13,816
- Kristin.
- What?
342
00:14:13,917 --> 00:14:16,185
Been running some projections
on this restaurant.
343
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:17,787
I think we have a problem.
344
00:14:17,888 --> 00:14:19,922
Let me guess... another "what if?"
345
00:14:20,023 --> 00:14:23,259
Like "what if everyone in the
world becomes a vegetarian?"
346
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,995
I'd be fine with that. I'm
heavily invested in soy.
347
00:14:26,096 --> 00:14:29,899
But seriously, the cost of
opening this place is huge.
348
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,502
If it tanks, I'll take a big hit.
349
00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:35,771
I'll have to sell one of my dancing horses.
350
00:14:35,873 --> 00:14:37,673
It won't tank.
351
00:14:37,774 --> 00:14:39,709
I promise you, it's gonna be great.
352
00:14:39,810 --> 00:14:43,112
Look, 50% of restaurants
fail in the first three years.
353
00:14:43,213 --> 00:14:45,681
I only invest in things
I know will succeed.
354
00:14:45,782 --> 00:14:47,016
Wait...
no... Ed, wait.
355
00:14:47,117 --> 00:14:50,386
Y-y-you can't go into something
with that kind of attitude.
356
00:14:50,487 --> 00:14:51,420
Why not?
357
00:14:51,521 --> 00:14:52,888
From what you've been telling me,
358
00:14:52,989 --> 00:14:55,324
that's the attitude that
you're going into marriage with.
359
00:14:56,626 --> 00:14:58,394
Very clever.
360
00:15:00,230 --> 00:15:03,332
Yes, "Alzate" is basque for "brilliant."
361
00:15:04,634 --> 00:15:07,303
Or "fishmonger." Sources vary.
362
00:15:07,404 --> 00:15:10,339
You've been asking me
why my marriages failed.
363
00:15:10,407 --> 00:15:14,310
I think the best reason is that when
things got hard, I stopped trying.
364
00:15:14,411 --> 00:15:15,811
I quit.
365
00:15:15,912 --> 00:15:17,413
Well, I don't quit.
366
00:15:17,514 --> 00:15:20,249
I complain like hell, but I don't quit.
367
00:15:21,384 --> 00:15:23,719
Then you have nothing to worry about.
368
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:26,755
So, I guess I'll give you
your wedding present now.
369
00:15:26,856 --> 00:15:28,490
Wha...
370
00:15:28,591 --> 00:15:31,026
(laughs) A suite at the Four Seasons?
371
00:15:31,127 --> 00:15:33,262
This is so generous!
372
00:15:35,031 --> 00:15:37,199
Just, uh, check the date.
373
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:39,168
(Mutters)
374
00:15:39,269 --> 00:15:42,304
10 years from the wedding.
375
00:15:43,473 --> 00:15:45,174
Yeah, for your anniversary.
376
00:15:45,275 --> 00:15:48,443
Like I said, I only invest
in things I know will succeed.
377
00:15:48,545 --> 00:15:51,313
Thank you.
378
00:15:51,414 --> 00:15:52,848
(Chuckles)
379
00:15:52,949 --> 00:15:55,284
I know you and Brian will be very happy.
380
00:15:55,385 --> 00:15:56,618
(Clears throat)
381
00:15:56,719 --> 00:15:57,953
It's "Ryan."
382
00:15:59,322 --> 00:16:02,090
Well, I guess it means "fishmonger," then.
383
00:16:05,728 --> 00:16:08,263
Okay. I just told Mandy
we want to talk to her.
384
00:16:08,331 --> 00:16:10,098
And I also checked on your dad.
385
00:16:10,199 --> 00:16:13,902
He fell asleep on Boyd's
bed with a handful of ties.
386
00:16:14,003 --> 00:16:15,904
We could play a great
trick on him right now...
387
00:16:16,005 --> 00:16:16,905
we move.
388
00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:20,442
Why are we doing this to Mandy?
389
00:16:20,543 --> 00:16:22,277
This party had nothing to do with her.
390
00:16:22,378 --> 00:16:23,912
This is all about Eve.
391
00:16:24,013 --> 00:16:25,747
But Mandy lied, and we can't let that go.
392
00:16:25,848 --> 00:16:27,382
We just got to squeeze her a little
393
00:16:27,483 --> 00:16:29,284
and give her a chance to to tell the truth.
394
00:16:29,385 --> 00:16:30,752
She lied to protect her sister.
395
00:16:30,853 --> 00:16:32,254
Yeah.
396
00:16:32,355 --> 00:16:35,490
My sister never stuck up for me.
397
00:16:35,591 --> 00:16:39,394
Well... we all hate April.
398
00:16:39,495 --> 00:16:41,129
Is this about my punishment?
399
00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:44,266
Well, we need a little
more information first.
400
00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:46,101
Who did you invite to this party?
401
00:16:46,202 --> 00:16:49,638
Umm... Just a couple of
friends from college.
402
00:16:49,739 --> 00:16:53,274
Mm, and what sort of stuff were you
and your college friends going to do?
403
00:16:53,376 --> 00:16:54,943
Maybe karaoke?
404
00:16:55,044 --> 00:16:57,345
(Chuckling) Yeah, right.
405
00:16:57,446 --> 00:17:01,549
Eve's friend Cammy showed up
here with a karaoke machine.
406
00:17:01,650 --> 00:17:03,084
Love karaoke. It's not lame at all.
407
00:17:03,219 --> 00:17:04,652
Neither is Cammy. She's not weird.
408
00:17:05,921 --> 00:17:07,422
We have enough information.
409
00:17:07,523 --> 00:17:10,825
All right, well, it is time
to tell you your punishment.
410
00:17:10,926 --> 00:17:13,161
Okay, why... why are we
doing this like a game show?
411
00:17:13,262 --> 00:17:16,164
(Announcer voice) We just want to
tell you what you're about to lose...
412
00:17:16,265 --> 00:17:20,535
a spectacular spring-break
trip to Canc?n, M?jico.
413
00:17:20,636 --> 00:17:22,537
Come on, guys.
414
00:17:22,638 --> 00:17:23,671
Are you serious?
415
00:17:23,772 --> 00:17:24,872
You can't do that!
416
00:17:24,974 --> 00:17:26,841
You know, from what you've told us...
417
00:17:26,942 --> 00:17:29,344
or haven't told us...
you've left us no choice.
418
00:17:30,312 --> 00:17:31,592
O-okay, fine. Take away my trip.
419
00:17:31,647 --> 00:17:32,981
All right, no, that's not fair.
420
00:17:33,082 --> 00:17:34,015
Shut up, Eve.
421
00:17:34,116 --> 00:17:37,251
No, you can't do this, all right?
422
00:17:37,353 --> 00:17:39,020
- It was my party.
- Ahh.
423
00:17:39,121 --> 00:17:41,155
Mandy was just covering for me.
424
00:17:41,256 --> 00:17:42,957
So, now we have the truth
...from the right person.
425
00:17:43,058 --> 00:17:44,359
Mm-hmm.
426
00:17:44,426 --> 00:17:46,661
Mandy, I'm actually proud of you.
427
00:17:46,762 --> 00:17:49,330
Eve, you're dead.
428
00:17:50,833 --> 00:17:52,233
You're proud of me for lying?
429
00:17:52,334 --> 00:17:53,901
And you're mad at me for telling the truth?
430
00:17:54,002 --> 00:17:55,303
Parenting is complicated.
431
00:17:55,404 --> 00:17:56,637
Cancel the Russian baby.
432
00:17:56,739 --> 00:17:58,139
(Cellphone ringing)
433
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,774
Jimmy.
434
00:17:59,875 --> 00:18:00,842
Probably can't find my dad.
435
00:18:00,943 --> 00:18:02,477
Are you sure he's asleep upstairs?
436
00:18:02,578 --> 00:18:05,012
You get a mirror under
his nose? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
437
00:18:05,113 --> 00:18:06,147
Yeah.
438
00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:07,515
Sure, Jim. What's up?
439
00:18:07,616 --> 00:18:08,816
Mom, I'm really sorry.
440
00:18:08,917 --> 00:18:10,718
- I know what I did was really stupid.
- Yeah.
441
00:18:10,752 --> 00:18:13,521
I think that we've all learned a
valuable lesson here today...
442
00:18:13,622 --> 00:18:15,256
that I can still go to Canc?n.
443
00:18:15,357 --> 00:18:17,358
No, no, no, hey, girls. Listen.
444
00:18:17,459 --> 00:18:19,493
Our job as parents is to protect you.
445
00:18:19,595 --> 00:18:20,995
If you're gonna hide stuff from us,
446
00:18:21,096 --> 00:18:23,257
then somebody's got to step
in and act like the parent.
447
00:18:23,298 --> 00:18:25,258
Now, come on... part of
having each other's backs
448
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:27,468
is to make sure your sister
doesn't do something stupid.
449
00:18:27,502 --> 00:18:28,469
Yes. I understand.
450
00:18:28,570 --> 00:18:29,370
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
451
00:18:29,471 --> 00:18:30,204
Okay. Got it.
452
00:18:30,305 --> 00:18:31,772
Good.
453
00:18:37,913 --> 00:18:39,180
We should have blamed Kristin.
454
00:18:39,281 --> 00:18:40,602
Oh, that would have been so good!
455
00:18:42,651 --> 00:18:45,419
Yeah. That's great, Jimmy.
You never fail to disappoint.
456
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,088
What's going on?
457
00:18:48,790 --> 00:18:51,792
Jimmy can't make dinner with my dad
because he's in a "business meeting."
458
00:18:51,893 --> 00:18:52,726
(Scoffs)
459
00:18:52,828 --> 00:18:55,095
The kind of meeting that has a
girl giggling in the background.
460
00:18:55,197 --> 00:18:56,163
Oh, God.
461
00:18:56,264 --> 00:18:57,984
He wants you to make an excuse to your dad.
462
00:18:57,999 --> 00:18:59,733
You know what? I'm not
lying for him this time.
463
00:18:59,835 --> 00:19:01,475
Yeah. You should just get Mandy to do it.
464
00:19:01,503 --> 00:19:02,436
(Chuckles)
465
00:19:02,537 --> 00:19:05,239
I told him to just make the
dinner or I'll kick his ass.
466
00:19:05,340 --> 00:19:06,373
That's all I could come up with.
467
00:19:06,474 --> 00:19:07,835
Yeah? You think that's gonna work?
468
00:19:07,909 --> 00:19:09,743
He's a lot bigger and stronger.
I may need you to tag in.
469
00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:11,245
Got it.
470
00:19:11,346 --> 00:19:12,146
Sorry to hear it.
471
00:19:12,247 --> 00:19:13,287
No, it's all right, Jimmy.
472
00:19:13,315 --> 00:19:14,448
Don't worry a bit about it.
473
00:19:14,549 --> 00:19:16,617
It's okay.
474
00:19:16,718 --> 00:19:19,553
Well, Jimmy got held up
in a business meeting.
475
00:19:19,654 --> 00:19:20,754
(Scoffs)
476
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,489
He's got a lot of irons in the fire.
477
00:19:22,591 --> 00:19:24,224
Everybody wants a piece of that kid.
478
00:19:24,326 --> 00:19:27,061
Well, they're gonna have
to wait in line, Dad.
479
00:19:27,162 --> 00:19:27,995
I'm sorry, Bud.
480
00:19:28,096 --> 00:19:31,432
You know, you're welcome to stay and
celebrate our anniversary with us.
481
00:19:31,533 --> 00:19:32,900
No. He's just running late.
482
00:19:33,001 --> 00:19:34,735
He said he would definitely be there.
483
00:19:34,836 --> 00:19:37,838
And it seemed very important to
him that I let you know that.
484
00:19:39,074 --> 00:19:40,974
Jimmy's a... good son.
485
00:19:41,076 --> 00:19:43,410
Bud, the only reason
he's coming is because...
486
00:19:43,511 --> 00:19:44,845
because he's a prince.
487
00:19:44,946 --> 00:19:46,613
Always has been, Dad. He's a good kid.
488
00:19:46,715 --> 00:19:48,248
Yeah. But what about you?
489
00:19:48,349 --> 00:19:50,818
You got a whole rack
of ties up there, Mike.
490
00:19:50,919 --> 00:19:54,121
Spending a lot of time in court?
491
00:19:54,222 --> 00:19:55,756
I'm gonna need that tie back, Dad.
492
00:19:55,857 --> 00:19:56,990
It's my lucky funeral tie.
493
00:19:57,091 --> 00:19:59,960
Every time I wear that,
I'm not the dead guy.
494
00:20:04,966 --> 00:20:06,967
Hey. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
495
00:20:07,001 --> 00:20:08,935
What's the best way to run a family?
496
00:20:08,970 --> 00:20:12,739
We all agree that letting people vote
is the best way to run a country.
497
00:20:12,773 --> 00:20:15,942
Well, you do get some pushback
from the dictators out there...
498
00:20:15,977 --> 00:20:20,313
Kim Jong-Un, the Castro brothers, Obama.
499
00:20:20,348 --> 00:20:23,283
Being a dictator is no
way to run a country.
500
00:20:23,317 --> 00:20:25,652
But, gosh darn it, it's the
only way to run a family.
501
00:20:25,686 --> 00:20:27,487
You know, it works for mafia families.
502
00:20:27,521 --> 00:20:29,155
In those families you never hear,
503
00:20:29,190 --> 00:20:33,293
"look, all in favor of whacking
Johnny roast beef, say aye."
504
00:20:33,327 --> 00:20:36,196
When your kids are little, you
can't give them a lot of freedom.
505
00:20:36,230 --> 00:20:39,965
They don't have the inalienable right
to stick a fork in a wall socket.
506
00:20:39,999 --> 00:20:41,999
Being a parent is like being a king,
507
00:20:42,035 --> 00:20:45,403
except your subjects are getting
bigger and smarter all the time.
508
00:20:45,438 --> 00:20:47,572
So you got to stay one step ahead of them.
509
00:20:47,607 --> 00:20:50,808
One trick dictators use is to turn
their subjects against each other,
510
00:20:50,843 --> 00:20:53,010
which is tempting to do
with your kids, right?
511
00:20:53,046 --> 00:20:56,447
But, like cockfighting, it's fun to
watch, but ultimately kind of wrong.
512
00:20:56,482 --> 00:20:57,448
(Clucking)
513
00:20:57,483 --> 00:20:59,283
Ideally, you want your kids to be close
514
00:20:59,319 --> 00:21:02,053
so that when you're no longer
around, they have each other.
515
00:21:02,088 --> 00:21:05,189
As the writer Jean Baptiste Legouv? said,
516
00:21:05,224 --> 00:21:09,293
"a sibling is a friend given by nature."
517
00:21:09,329 --> 00:21:11,195
Which tells me frenchy weird name
518
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:14,031
never got jammed into a
clothes dryer by his brother.
519
00:21:14,067 --> 00:21:17,001
So, in closing, I want to make amends
520
00:21:17,036 --> 00:21:18,736
and say "sorry" to my
younger brother, Jimmy.
521
00:21:18,771 --> 00:21:22,073
But at least when you came out, you
were fluffy and springtime-fresh.
522
00:21:22,123 --> 00:21:26,673
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