All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s04e17 Kyles Friend.eng

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Honey, don't you want any bacon?

Daddy says when we eat bacon,

we contribute to the genocide
of a very intelligent animal.

When a pig can spell the word
"genocide," I'll stop eating them.

(Chuckles)

A pig could write an op-ed
in the New York Times,

and you would still eat him.

And I would have something
to wrap up my leftovers in.

- Morning, fam. You all remember Jenna?
- Vanessa: Hey.

- Hi, Jenna.
- Hi, Jenna.

How was brunch?

Great. Hopefully my last
without a bottomless mimosa.

Yeah?

Oh, that's right!

The big 21 is right around the corner.

Yeah, I can finally get in a
club without a fake I.D... Ea

of what nightclubs are really like.

I am gonna miss all these
pathetic, little lies.

Mike: The lying will continue.

It will just be funnier
because she'll be loaded.

I am so looking forward to your birthday!

Oh. I have been spending way
too much time in mommy land,

so, please, have a real
big blowout, like...

(gasps) Like that fancy ball in "Frozen."

Oh, my God, it might be too late for me.

Come on, kid. Let's go.

Can we watch "Frozen" again?

I will give you $1,000 if we don't.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Speaking of money, so...

We got to start talking about my party.

Want to give you guys plenty of time

in case you need to
liquify some assets, okay?

Honey, how long would it
take to liquify a $20 bill?

So funny... for Jenna's birthday, her
dad is flying her and her 12 friends

out to the Coachella music festival.

Ooh, and they want to
adopt you? Where do we sign?

My dad's just doing it to show
up my mom and her new boyfriend.

Yeah, who are now buying Jenna a
brand-new Escalade to show him up.

They say in divorce, it's the
kids who suffer, but we do okay.

Yeah.

Tragically, Mandy's
parents are happily married,

so I don't have to do stuff to impress her.

Mm, and he's doing a hell of a job.

Sorry your folks still love each other.

- Enjoy your one house.
- Thank you.

Listen, I don't expect you guys to,
like, charter a jet for my birthday,

but how about we just rent out a
nightclub for 300 of my closest friends?

That's a great idea. What's that
place we love on colfax? Oh, yeah.

What's the name of that? Um,
oh, God. Oh, Chuck E. Cheese.

Chuck E. Cheese. We love that
place. We could rent that out.

Yeah. And we can hire that
little rat to do stuff,

- like dance at the table.
- Oh, but no.

Unless he's also appearing
at Coachella. Sorry.

Could be that.

Coachella... all those
hipsters in one place.

One drone strike, and we'll never
have to see a porkpie hat again.

Mandy, we have no intention of
breaking the bank for this party.

And, Eve, will you please stop
talking about blowing people up?

(Scoffs) That's not fair!

Yeah.

All right, sounds like
we're pretty far apart

on the whole party thing,
so... Let's talk presents.

(Inhales deeply) How about a car?

(Laughs) (Scoffs) A new car?

I don't think so, no.

Guys, Jenna's mom is
getting her that Escalade,

and I'm a way better person than Jenna.

I only hang out with her
'cause she has nice stuff.

(Laughs sarcastically) I'm
not buying you an Escalade.

Dad, they're really practical,
and they're very safe.

Well, it didn't protect Tiger Woods
from an angry wife with a 9-iron.

This is so stupid. No big party, no car.

Come on! I totally deserve this!

Well, where is this entitled
attitude coming from?

Come on. You were acting so mature lately.

- Exactly, you owe me.
- We... owe you?

We owe you? We fed you. We
clothed you. We educated you.

No, no, no, no, it was public education.

I'm not taking the hit for that.

Guys, like, 21 is the last good birthday.

After that, they're all sad.

It's like 30, 40, 50, dead.

Look at that.

I've already passed, and
you're well on your way.

Look at that.

Come on.

The Mandy we were hoping to buy a
present for is the mature one,

the one who thinks about
somebody other than herself.

So buy that Mandy an
Escalade, and we'll share it.

I love you guys, but, uh,
swing and a miss on that one.

(Sighs)

Hey, buddy.

Pal, move along.

You can't stay here, man.

Come... Kyle?

(Sighs)

Sorry, Mr. Larabee.

I'll head inside the store.

Yeah, and you might
want to ask for a raise.

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see, the way I do it, Kyle, is I sleep
at home, and then I come to work.

(Chuckles)

- I was waiting for my friend Dave...
- Oh, thank you.

...and, uh, I must have fallen asleep.

Uh, is Dave a friend
the rest of us can see?

- Of course.
- Okay.

He's not like monty, the ghost
that lives in the break room.

Dave lives on the loading dock,

and... and I figured if I
waited in his spot, he'd show up.

He's homeless.

No, his home is the loading dock.

I'm worried 'cause he's gone missing.

Can a homeless guy really be missing?

It's not like they're expected anywhere.

Well, I-I expect to
see Dave every morning.

I take them our stale doughnuts and bagels.

If that's all he's been eating, maybe
he went somewhere looking for fiber.

Hey.

Does Dave wear a blue
San Diego Chargers hat?

Yeah, but he's secretly a Broncos fan.

Yeah, he wants people to see his hat
and think that Chargers fans are bums

who sleep in their own filth.

Oh.

You got to admire his commitment.

Or maybe he found a hat.

I saw him a couple of days ago,
and I ran him off the premises.

You what?! Why would you do that?!

Because it's Chuck's job.

That doesn't mean you get to
decide where everybody lives.

You know, just because you look like
Morgan Freeman doesn't mean you're God.

Seriously? He's like
40 years older than me.

What's all the yelling? What's going on?

Kyle can't tell the difference
between me and Morgan Freeman.

What, are you nuts?

Morgan Freeman is what, six,
seven years older than you?

(Laughter)

Ed: Kyle has been
harboring this...

this homeless guy out on the loading dock.

Yeah, I know the one.

Yeah, we can't have vagrants loitering
around, looking for handouts.

Dave is very proud. He
does not ask for handouts.

How about the bagels and the doughnuts?

Well, he makes me throw
them in the dumpster first,

and then he has to go in and get them.

Dave likes to work for everything he gets.

Yeah, he could be dangerous, Kyle.

W-what do any of us
really know about this guy?

David Hill is his name. Born in Florida.

Actually went to Broward Community College,

moved to Albuquerque, became a welder,

hurt himself in some industrial accident,

got kind of in a problem with painkillers,

dropped out, hitchhiked around the country,

ended up in Denver, uh,
six, eight months ago.

Wait a minute. H-hold
on there. (Stammering)

How do you know all this now?

You sound like hobo-pedia.

I walked by him one day, and
I said, "what's happening?"

Two hours later, I wished I'd said, "hey."

Dave can be a bit of a chatty Cathy...

(Chuckles)

...especially after his
morning dumpster coffee.

Bought him some shoes,
but he wouldn't take them

unless I put them in the
dumpster, and I got to go back

and throw some socks in there for him.

You know, if it's all right with you, sirs,

I-I'd like to take my lunch break
early and go look for Dave.

Just don't bring him here, please.

He can't be living behind
the store, all right?

What's gonna happen to all the
stuff he ordered from Amazon?

Well, knowing Dave, he's probably
got a forwarding dumpster.

Whoa. Smells like lasagna.

Yep. Almost done. I'm making a nice salad.

That's not holding up the lasagna, is it?

No, no, no.

(Smooches) Mandy: Hi.

Honey, where have you been?

We expected you home hours ago?

Oh, um, after school, Kyle
and I went down to skid row.

Is Kyle trying to prove
that you could do worse?

He's looking for a friend who's named Dave

that used to live on our loading dock,
but now has fallen on hard times.

Well, I don't like the idea of Kyle
taking you down to that part of town.

I think it's a good experience to
learn how the less fortunate live.

Well, Mandy's idea of "less fortunate"

is anyone still using an iPhone 5.

Did Kyle find his friend?

No, and then it started raining, so
everyone headed into the rescue mission.

He's still down there serving food.

Ah, free food.

That will motivate the
freeloaders to get a job.

Says the girl who's about
to get some free food.

I-I'm sorry.

They... I mean, they only
have themselves to blame.

They... they made bad
decisions, right, dad?

Well, especially if they voted democrat.

Oh, come on!

Truth is, in Obama's America,

everybody's one paycheck
away from being homeless.

Oh, yeah, because there were
no homeless before Obama.

Oh, no, just a bunch of sad
people out for a long walk.

Well, it is sad, but I
still don't like the idea

of Mandy down there with
all those troubled n.

Actually, half of the homeless
population is now women, okay?

Not exactly the kind of
equality we were hoping for.

Yeah, burning their bras to stay warm.

It's so interesting.

I just kept wondering, like, as a
person who deeply cares about others,

what I could do to help out.

And then it hit me. I could volunteer.

Well, what? Give the
homeless people makeovers?

I mean, I guess that's one
way to beautify our parks.

I'm so excited to give back, you know?

I even told one lady
that I would date her son.

Oh. But don't worry.

He's just a mop with a hat on it.

Well, dinner's ready.

Okay, got to get my phone.

You don't need your phone to eat dinner.

Then how will it get on Instagram?

Since when is Mandy drawn to
lost people with no future?

Well, I think dating Kyle
got that ball rolling.

Don't you guys get it?

This new "I care about the world"
Mandy is her way of sucking up

so you'll spring for a fancy, new car.

I mean, you challenged her to
be a good person, remember?

Oh, come on. She's not that cynical.

What does it matter if it gets
her to do good in the world?

Huh? I'm with Kris.

It's a good thing she
thinks about other people.

It's a good thing she
starts thinking period.

She's reeling you in, old
man, hook, line, and sinker.

Come on, honey. Okay.

Say a little grace, please. Yeah.

(Thunder crashes)

All right, we're saying
grace. Take it easy.

Dear lord, thank you for all
the blessings you've given us

and for those that we love are healthy,
well-fed, and safe from this storm.

All: Amen. And watch over those who aren't.

Hook, line, and sinker.

(Thunder crashes)

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man
with a few words on homelessness.

It's a problem that really
hits home, ironically.

The government took a shot at solving it.

They came up with housing projects,
where people take shots at each other.

We can't count on the democrats
to be good with housing.

They just lost both houses of congress.

But if you want to keep
Uncle Sam out of the mix,

we all need to step up and help each other,

especially through charitable organizations,
like the Denver rescue mission.

You'll see here on the website is a picture

of a homeless friend of
ours... his name is Dave.

He's with one of our employees.

Our employee is the
one that looks homeless.

We haven't seen Dave lately,
and we're starting to worry.

So, Dave, if you happen to see this

or any of you see Dave,
please contact Outdoor Man.

The rest of you, come in, buy a tent.

It can be your home away from home.

In this day and age, with Obama at the
helm, it never hurts to have a spare,

'cause good chance is you're gonna need it.

(Knock on door) Yeah.

Mike, Mike, Mike, you know I'm a
huge fan of your Vlogs, right?

But this one is way off the mark, Mike.

I'm a big fan of your compliments.

- That one needs some work.
- Okay.

I'm talking about you turning our
store into a homeless refuge.

That's not what that Vlog was...
I've had 20 bums named Dave show up,

asking me what they've won.

Did any of them have a
San Diego Chargers hat on?

And I'm not talking about Ryan leaf.

I've seen him down there at that dumpster.

It's bad enough that the homeless

have taken over the
city park that I sponsor.

The Ed Alzate park is supposed
to be for families, right?

In the evening, certain
discreet gentlemen show up,

and I don't ask any questions.

If I were you, I'd wipe
down those monkey bars.

I'll tell you that.

Hey, guys, guys, great news. I found Dave.

Ah, the prodigal bum has returned.

And he's found Dave.

Dave saw Mr. B's fabulous Vlog
at the library and called me.

I need to go pick him up.

See if Dave will let you
drive him to the mission.

Best place for him. Right.

Well, I'm... I'm hoping I
can get him to settle down.

I mean, Dave really needs to start
thinking about his retirement.

Yeah. Retirement from what?

Apparently, he's got a loading
dock picked out in Florida.

Yo, Dave!

I'm glad Kyle found you, but
you can't stay here, Dave.

You can't...

Sorry, Mr. B. It's just me.

I was looking for a warm
place to sleep last night.

Why didn't you just go to Ed Alzate park?

A lot of guys there want to spoon.

What's going on?

Well, Dave refused to go to the mission,

so my only choice was
taking him back to my place.

Does Dave know the mission
is nicer than your place?

Yeah, I tried to tell him, but he
seemed pretty happy on my futon.

A-and then I went out to the pharmacy
to get his diabetes medicine,

'cause I'm really worried
he could lose a foot.

You know what I'm hearing?

I might get one of those shoes back.

When I came back, there
was a tie on the doorknob.

And, well, we all know what that means.

So I went out to get him some thai food.

But when I came back,
he was having a party,

and he kind of needed the place to himself.

Well, why didn't you just
stay in your van for a while?

Oh, no, Dave's friend Shorty
was in there with a lady.

Good luck selling the van.

(Chuckles)

You know, uh, bum sex comes up on Carfax.

You can't solve Denver's homeless problems

by having them all in your apartment.

I'm starting to realize that.

It's just it's hard for
me to say no to Dave,

and Shorty carries that
stick with a nail in it.

Let's you and I go back to your apartment.

We'll have a little conversation with Dave.

We'll speak softly and carry a bigger
stick with a bigger nail in it.

Hey, everyone. (Clears throat)

Uh, this is Morgan.

Hey, are you one of Mandy's friends
from the fashion program? Oh, no, no.

Morgan's from the women's shelter.

She's homeless. Yeah,
she's totally homeless. Oh.

You can tell her how homeless you are.

Very.

I'm so sorry. Um, uh, welcome to our home.

Uh, oh, God, that was so insensitive.

No, it's okay, really.

And you have a very lovely home.

Well, it's... it's
not really that nice.

Uh, you're just not missing much.

(Laughs)

She tries too hard.

You should see her around black people.

Uh, Morgan has a job interview
tomorrow. (Exhales sharply)

And the people from the shelter asked

if I could give her a
makeover. Vanessa: Ah.

Apparently, that's the number-one
thing homeless people need.

(Clicks tongue) Who feels stupid now?

Still not the person who should.

It was an honor meeting you, Morgan.

Just truly, you are [Voice
breaking] an inspiration.

If she was homeless and
black, your head might explode.

Wow.

Mandy has really come a long way,
trying to help somebody like Morgan.

Yeah, well, she's learned
a new way to con you.

Mandy: Okay, so, we need an outfit
that says, like, "I'm responsible.

I'm level-headed. I'm modest."

So, yeah, we're gonna have to
borrow something from my mom.

(Chuckles)

She seems really nice.

Oh, yeah, she's cool.

I mean, I'll know for sure if I get
a car for my birthday next month.

My daughter's birthday's
next month... 14th.

Oh, 26th. Hmm.

You have a daughter?

Isabella. She'll be 8.

And the answer to your
next question... I was 17.

Oh. Just like my sister, actually.

Yeah, she, um... she had
her son when she was 17.

Oh.

I was an aunt before I
knew how to do algebra.

Actually, I still am.

(Chuckles)

Well, my mother kicked me
out when I got pregnant.

My grandma let us stay
with her for a little while.

But after she died, we
wound up living in my car.

Was it an Escalade?

Not exactly. (Laughs)

Um, so, Isabella, does she
live with you at the shelter?

Uh, no. She is in a foster home.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Yeah, they're really nice,
and I get to see her a lot.

But I will get to see her a lot
more if I can just get this job.

(Sighs)

Well, let's make sure you get it.

Dave?

Dave?

Hey, Dave?!

Dave's not here, man.

And my TV's gone.

(Sighs) Probably one of
those people he had over.

Dave is way too trusting.

Yeah, nice people get taken advantage
of now and then, don't they?

You don't think Dave took my TV, do you?

I don't know, but you're gonna
have to change your locks,

change your sheets
...probably burn them.

You really got to change
your approach, Kyle.

Yeah.

What's the point of doing nice things
if people are gonna do stuff like this?

You still do nice things,

but you can't help people if
they won't help themselves.

Looks like Dave helped himself to my TV...

Yep.

...and my "star wars" lego ship.

Kyle, you're a great guy
and you got a big heart.

I just hope that you don't
...you don't lose that.

(Chuckles) You're right.

Dave might have stolen my TV, but I
can't let him steal my big heart.

Or your kidney, which you might have
lost had you slept here last night.

Hey. Hi.

I got your wine.

And if you run out, the
store is open till 11:00.

Seriously, Mike, you can't bring
yourself to pay for a shopping bag?

No, when I was a kid,

the grocery store wouldn't
charge you for a grocery bag.

Plus, all the food you ate while you
were in the grocery store was free.

- No, it wasn't. Not ever.
- Yeah, if you do it fast.

Let's eat. Hey, where's the other girl?

I'm here, uh, and Mandy's upstairs,
trying outfits on her bag-lady Barbie.

Mandy brought home a lovely, lovely
young woman from the homeless shelter.

I just had this conversation
with Kyle! You can't do this.

We're not equipped to
deal with these people's

addiction problems or their mental illness.

Or what if they carry a
stick with a nail in it?

Uh, everybody, if your
municipal water department

needed an administrative specialist,
would you hire this person?

Do-do-do!
Ta-da!

Wow! Morgan, you clean up great.

Uh, uh, you know, 'cause not...
not that you were dirty before.

Thank you, Mrs. Baxter.

And Mandy did an amazing job.

Um, dad, Morgan. Hi.

Hi, Morgan, I'm Mike
Baxter. I'm Mandy's father.

Hello.

You know, I don't run the water department.

If I did, I'd hire you, 'cause we...
we use water a lot around here.

We even freeze it, make,
uh, little squares out of it.

Oh, well, thank you.

I should probably grab my old clothes.

Uh, do you guys have a
shopping bag I could borrow?

Sure we do. Oh.

And around here, they're free.

Well, it looks like you're getting
your birthday Escalade now.

Yeah, no.

About that, guys, I would,
um, rather not have a big deal

for my birthday this year,

maybe just something small with
the family and then, you know,

donate what you were gonna spend on
the party to the women's shelter.

Crap! What?

Now I have to spend more than $20.

Okay, I just saw myself again in
your mirror, and I look amazing.

I'm sorry. That sounded really conceited.

Her mirror has that effect on people.

I get to visit Isabella tonight.

I can't wait for her to see me like this.

- Is that your kid?
- Yeah, her daughter.

Um, she's in foster care.

Oh, that's rough that you
don't get to live with her.

No, it was rough on
her when I was drinking.

Oh. But I am six months' sober.

Oh, great, great, great. That's great.

Good for you. Good.

Congratulations.

Uh, trust me, you're...
you're not missing much.

No.

It's just... it's... this
is all mainly for cooking.

Uh-huh, she cooks like a fish.

Well, if I keep getting my life back
together, I can get my daughter back.

Mike: She'll be very proud of you.

Uh, hey, Morgan, I might have a necklace

that could go really well with that shirt.

God, that's incredible, Eve.
You own a necklace?

(Scoffs)

Thank you. No problem.

Can you stay for dinner?
It's just leftover lasagna.

That's very nice of you, but my
daughter's expecting me, so...

I'll tell you what, when you get the job,

which you will and you
get your daughter back

come by for dinner and we'll all celebrate.

Wow. That's very generous. Thank you.

Well that's just my way to
guarantee I get my bag back.

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