All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s04e15 Big Brother.eng

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Nothing like a cozy
nightcap by the fire, huh?

What happened to actual nightcaps?

People just don't dress for bed anymore.

Well...(Chuckles)

Well, you do your part by wearing socks.

Or once, you tried that thing
with the, uh, with the bow tie.

Oh, that was my homage to
the Chippendale dancers.

Ah.

Well, Chippendale dancers
wear it on their neck.

(Chuckles)

(Sneezes)

Ooh. Oh.

(Sniffles)

You coming down with something?

Mnh-mnh.

Can I get you anything,
like a... motel room?

No. (Chuckles)

It's allergies. That's all.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You know, I want to tell you about this
teaching seminar I went to today...

"the secret of a successful
blended classroom."

(Sneezes)

- Honey, honey.
- (Sneezes)

Hey, you know what? Maybe you're
allergic to boring conversation.

No, it's something in the yard.

Where you going?

I'm gonna go inside, honey.

Oh, come on.

Honey, I'll tell you the story later.

(Sneezes)

Don't tax yourself.

You might have to drive to a motel.

Yo, yo, yo.

Ho. Hey, Garfield.
There's no lasagna up here.

Go, go, go. Go.

(Sneezing)

Boo! Oh!

- (Laughs)
- Oh, God.

Honey, why did you do that?

Oh, I was trying to
scare you so you'd stop.

That's hiccups.

No, those were definitely sneezes.

Hey, hon, I think I figured out why
you're doing all this sneezing,

who left the surprises in Boyd's sandbox,

and why we have orange hair
all over the lawn furniture.

Oh, my God. We have clowns?

No, we have a cat.

I sprayed for clowns.

Well, that makes sense. I'm
extremely allergic to cats.

Well, just say the word, and I'll send
Fluffy packing with my airsoft rifle.

Uh, no one is shooting at a cat.

You know the rules. We don't
shoot animals that have collars.

That's how Yogi Bear has lasted so long.

Well, suit yourself, but it
worked with the Swanson kid

when he kept pooping in our sandbox.

You know, I'm pretty sure I've seen
Carol Larabee feeding a big orange cat.

- You want to go ask Chuck?
- Why don't you go ask Chuck?

No. I don't want to strain
things with the neighbors.

I know. That's more my thing.

I'll call him in the morning.

Oh, you know what... I
want to tell you about

that instructional seminar I attended...

I'll call him right now.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

(Cellphone ringing)

(Groans)

Hey, Baxter.

Hey, Chuck, man.

I hate to bother you while
you're watching "Arsenio."

(Sighs)

"Arsenio's" off the air, but I
am watching an all-black show.

It's called "sports."

What can I do for you?

Listen, I got a little
trouble with orange cat hair

all over my outdoor furniture.

You know anything about this?

Yeah... if you don't
have a lint roller,

wrap some tape around
your hand sticky-side-out.

All right, thanks. I'll just
shoot the cat. Good night.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

It sounds like you're talking about Tigger.

- When did you get a cat?
- We didn't.

He used to belong to the
Pettigrews down the street,

but they left him behind when they moved.

Pettigrew moved?

Uh-huh.

He's got my rake!

Not anymore. I bought it at his yard sale.

Carol felt sorry for Tigger getting
abandoned, so we started feeding him.

Well, then, it's your cat.

You feed it. You own it.

Oh, in that case, I
bought you lunch last week,

and I got a lot of yard work to do.

I'll even let you use my good rake.

Why don't you keep that thing indoors?

It's starting to bother
my wife's allergies.

Oh, I can't do that.

I got this huge German Shepherd, and...

and she's terrified of cats.

(Barks)

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Besides, you know, the whole
neighborhood feeds Tigger.

He... he's a neighborhood cat.

Yeah, the whole neighborhood's
become that cat's litter box.

Look, this is just one more example

of you people not accepting responsibility.

And what people are those, Baxter?

You gonna make me say it?

Yes.

Cat people!

(Knock on door)

How about some lunch, Mikey?

All right.

All right, how about the Indian place?

Or we could save time
and just order diarrhea.

You have something on your shoe.

Oh, damn it!

I stepped on a glob of gum.

Oh, man. Look at that.

And it's the... it's the
coupon for the Indian place.

(Mutters angrily)

Adios, tikka masala, right?

I mean, come on, now. What's
wrong with people, Mike?

People just spit out their gum willy-nilly

and expect someone else
to clean up their mess?

You know what that is?

(Sniffs) I'll go with wintergreen.

It's people not accepting
responsibility for what they do.

It's what my vlog is about. Watch this.

Hey, Mike Baxter here with a word on cats.

(Hisses)

That's the wrong one.
That's about cats, Mike.

Just watch the rest of it. Here.

Listen, those of you who have cats,
learn a little responsibility.

Start with spaying or neutering them.

Or, better yet, have
a veterinarian do that.

And keep the little predator in the house.

If you let them wander around
outside, we all got a cat.

If you don't take care of your own
stuff, then society has to do it.

"Hey, I'm done with this couch.

"I'll just leave it here on the
street corner. Somebody will use it."

You know who? Cats.

It's still about cats, Mikey.

Keep watching.

What's worse than abandoning a sofa?

Abandoning a human being.

We actually have a law in this
state that if you have a baby,

you get three days to
decide if it's a keeper.

That's right... there's
a lemon law for babies.

If you decide it cries too
much or clashes with the drapes,

you can just drop it off
at your local fire station.

So you, me, and everybody but their
parents ends up taking care of them.

Now, sure, there have been a few abandoned
babies who have turned out okay.

I'm thinking about superman and Moses.

But with this kind of safety net,

you're practically begging
folks to be irresponsible.

You know, it shouldn't be
easier to dispose of a child

than to dispose of used motor oil.

Plus, you're distracting firemen
from their more important duties...

posing shirtless for calendars.

And listen, folks, a beefcake photo
shoot is no place to raise a baby.

What'd you think?

It's another bull's-eye, Mikey.

Once you get past all that cat crap.

People just need to step up

and take responsibility for
their own messes, that's all.

I know. You... Ed, Ed.

- Yes. What?
- You gonna pick this up?

Somebody else will take
care of that. Don't worry.

I'm gonna miss you so, so much, Kyle.

And I'm gonna miss you
so, so, so much, Mandy.

I'm gonna miss you so, so, so, so, so...

Stop!!

This always ends with confusion
and counting on fingers.

Have a wonderful time in Vegas, Kyle.

All right, thanks.

Okay, I better get going.

I don't have an assigned seat on the plane,

and I want to make sure I get a middle one.

Okay.

Hey, have an awesome time, okay?

And, um, remember what we agreed to.

- I will.
- Okay.

Bye, Eve. Bye, Mrs. B.

Bye, Kyle.

Mandy, honey, uh, just out of curiosity,
what did you and Kyle agree to?

Um, no bigs.

We're just taking the weekend
off from being a couple.

A couple of idiots? 'Cause it's about time.

Ha ha ho!

You're giving your boyfriend a free
pass at a bachelor party in Vegas?

I don't know.

I just really wanted him
to be able to cut loose

without feeling guilty, you know?

Isn't that great?

Well, sounds great for him.

We even came up with
this cute slogan about it.

It's like, "whatever happens
in Vegas stays a secret."

(Laughs)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Relax, mom. This is Kyle in Vegas.

The only thing that's gonna happen

is we'll get a panicked call every
half-hour that there's a volcano erupting.

(Chuckles)

(Doorbell rings)

I'll get that.

(Clears throat)

Hey, Chuck. What's going on?

Hey, Baxter.

I'm here on security-company business.

Well, that's perfect, 'cause I want
to report an unwanted visitor.

(Sighs)

Tigger has gone missing.

Oh!

Well, have you checked
his known associates?

How about that weird little
bear that wears no pants?

Do you two have any idea
where the cat might be?

No, no.

But what was in that weird
stew we (Burps) just had?

No, I-I haven't seen Tigger in a while.

Oh, yeah?

Well, um, according to your
neighbors across the street,

uh, he was in your yard on Wednesday,
and there was an, uh... altercation.

Altercation? What... what altercation?

I think you should check
with that weird Swanson kid.

You know, the one that pulls
doll parts around in his wagon?

There's video. Oh.

This is the last time Tigger
pettigrew was seen alive.

(Sighs)

I believe that's you, Vanessa.

Yeah, I was... I was just shooing him.

Squirting a kitty in February.

Not cool.

You may want to lawyer up.

Look, I would never, ever hurt an animal.

It... it was a warm evening, and water
is a humane training technique.

Yep. That's what they
said at Guantanamo, huh?

But besides the cat thing, where
did you get the video of this?

Yeah, yeah. Somebody
was actually filming me?

It's from one of the surveillance cameras
I installed over at the Shirazis'.

The Shirazis?

We're being monitored by middle easterners?

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

The Shirazis are from Milwaukee, so
technically, they're midwesterners.

And their security package
includes multiple cameras,

one of which happens to
capture your front lawn.

Maybe I should rethink that loose robe
I wear when I pick up the newspaper.

Why? Then we'd have to pay the paper boy.

A lot of your neighbors
have security cameras now,

so I get a pretty clear overview
of what's happening on our street.

So you're snooping on all of us?

So you're not just a
brother. You're big brother.

Oh, I don't like any of this.

Who... who else has seen this footage?

A lot of folks.

The whole neighborhood
is worried about Tigger.

Well, maybe the whole neighborhood
should take him inside.

I want you to take that camera down.

No, no. It's the Shirazis'
right to protect their home.

Legally, you have no expectation
of privacy in your front yard.

How would you feel if everywhere you
went, people were watching you?

I'm a black man in suburbia.
People are always watching me.

I like that cat. He's like
the neighborhood greeter.

Always makes me feel welcome.

Well, Vanessa killed it.

Look, this whole Tigger
thing is a nightmare.

The whole street is
giving me dirty looks...

except for Bob Ashby, who's
giving me filthy looks,

you know, 'cause of the
whole loose-bathrobe thing.

Well, welcome to our surveillance culture.

We have to assume we're
being recorded 24/7.

Oh, hello, NSA.

Nope, not making a bomb
here. Just some mu shu.

(Shoe) You just said "shu" and
"bomb" in the same sentence.

Prepare to be cavity-searched for the
rest of your life at the airport.

For the record, he's not
actually part of our family.

It's not just cameras.

They're listening to our phone
calls and reading our e-mails.

2015 is now "1984."

I'd rather it was 1984. Reagan
would still be president.

I could get my parachute pants on
and say, "U can't touch this."

If you haven't done anything wrong, you
don't have anything to worry about.

Unless you have skeletons in your closet...
Cat or otherwise.

(Telephone rings)

Oh. It's Carol Larabee. Excuse me.

You know, the way I see it,

Uncle Sam can flip through
my e-mails all he wants

if it helps him blow those isis bastards
to smoldering bits of terrorist goo.

Who's hungry?

Even if we hurt them, they still hurt us

'cause they make us compromise our freedom.

Ben Franklin said it best.

"Those who sacrifice liberty
for security deserve neither."

Or was that Aretha Franklin?

Who's on the $100 bill?

It's not just the
government snooping around.

Google takes pictures of our houses.

They keep track of what we
eat at the grocery store.

I am sick and tired of the judgy looks

when the H?agen-Dazs coupons
come flying out of the register.

It is ice-cream coupon after ice-cream
coupon after ice-cream coupon.

Sounds like Ryan's the judgy one.

It's your generation that brought this on.

You gave up your privacy to get
overnight delivery and 15% off.

What's the alternative? Go off the grid?

Yeah.

We'd live up in the mountains

in a house made out of old
tires and ice-cream cartons.

The ice cream was for
Boyd's birthday party!

Great... now Carol Larabee
canceled coffee with me tomorrow.

She says she's sick, but I know
it's because of that damn cat.

Or... or she's sick.

I wish.

I tell you, if this whole
thing doesn't blow over,

I'm just gonna move away,
start a whole new life.

You could just stand in the driveway
with your thumb out in that bathrobe.

I'm sure Bob Ashby would take
you anywhere you wanted to go.

Oh! Oh, there he is!

There he is! He's alive!

It's Tigger! Look, look, look, look!

Eve: Where? Where?

He was... he was right there.

I saw him. Come on, you
saw him, too, right?

No.

He was right there.

Girls, just tell your mom you saw the cat.

You know what she's capable of.

Hey, hon.

Has the mail come yet?

I'm running a little low
on bathroom literature.

Check it for yourself.

Whoa.

Somebody went postal on our mailbox?

Yeah.

Somebody knocked it
off the post last night.

You know, honey, I think one of the
neighbors is trying to send me a message.

Send you a message over a missing cat?

Look, the neighborhood hostility
toward me is just getting worse.

Okay, Mrs. Conroy, that old lady who
wears all those weird cat sweatshirts...

Yeah... Just brought over these brownies.

I'm afraid to try them.
Tell me if they smell weird.

That's ridiculous.

I'm not gonna live in fear of
baked goods. It's just brownies.

Have the girls try them.

But not Eve.

(Chuckles)

I just would feel better if I knew
who knocked down that mailbox.

Wait a minute.

I got an idea.

Unfortunately, it involves
making nice with Larabee.

Give me the brownies.

(Doorbell rings)

Ah. Hello, Baxter.

Hey, Chuck.

Brought you a little thing
for, uh... Black history month.

Brownies.

Very clever.

You know, there's a fine line
between offensive and clever,

and I think I walk it pretty well.

Not as well as you think.

So, you still worked up about the cameras?

No, no, no. Actually...

I need a little favor with the cameras.

Someone ran into my mailbox last night,

and I'd like to see if
you got any footage of it.

Well, well, well.

First, I'm big brother. Now
I'm the belle of the ball.

(Chuckles) That must have been
some butt-ugly ball if you...

Can I just see the footage?

Fine. All right.

But just because I care
about neighborhood security

and I know the brownies
are your way of apologizing.

Yeah, you got me.

So, where's the command center?

Right here.

Yeah!

Every 8-year-old in town has a
command center just like this.

Uh-huh.

The Shirazi feed from last night.

- After 12:00 midnight.
- Okay.

Here we go.

Looks like a Prius hybrid
pulls up at 1:02 A.M.

Yeah, just 'cause it saves gas, they
think they're above the law, huh?

Mm-hmm.

But he didn't hit your mailbox.

Ooh. Looks like Mr. Prius
is hitting something.

(Both chuckle)

My daughter, Mandy.

Oh. Uh... Yeah.

And that wasn't Kyle, was it?

No, it wasn't.

But we still don't know
who hit your mailbox.

Uh, isn't that Mrs.
Conroy in the cat sweater?

Yep. There she is.
She's down the str...

Whoa!

Whoa! Oh!

Man.

Oooh!

Oh!

You may not want to eat that brownie.

Mike, you are absolutely
sure you saw them kiss?

I mean, this isn't like the time you swore

you saw Nancy Pelosi rifling
through a dumpster, is it?

Pelosi never denied that.

And yes, I recognize our daughter.

It was her in the car kissing some dude.

This is why she was so eager

to give Kyle the weekend
off from their relationship.

She's living it up in our driveway,

and that poor guy is stuck
at a bachelor party in Vegas.

You know what I'm eager to do?
Forget about this whole thing.

Mandy has to be honest with Kyle.

Honey, we need to talk to her.

No. We need to stay out of this.

If she is over Kyle, she needs to tell him.

- No, she doesn't.
- She...

Maybe she's moved on to a
guy with more of a future.

What?!

She couldn't swing a dead cat without
hitting a guy with more of a future.

We could test it out if we
knew where you buried Tigger.

Oh! You know what?

You keep it up, and
you might just join him.

I just think there's certain
things that should remain private.

Like that.

Hi, Kyle. Welcome back.

I've been counting the
minutes since you left,

which has been very hard
for me because it's math.

I wish you could have come.
I saw this amazing show.

Yeah?

The dancers only had on tiaras.

Whoa.

But it didn't seem wrong,
'cause they were poodles.

(Laughing) Oh!

Well, those poodles are
somebody's daughters.

You, uh, you get in any
trouble in Vegas, Kyle?

Well, my cousin and his
buddies went a little wild,

but why go to clubs when you can
watch fancy dogs crush a conga line?

Well, I didn't do anything while you
were gone, except for miss you.

Kyle, will you be a dear and get me a
soda out of the fridge in the garage?

Yeah, okay.

(Dear) Uh, for the record, a
deer could never fetch a soda.

What you need around here are some poodles.

- Honey...
- Hmm?

I-if you're having second thoughts about
Kyle, you need to be honest with him.

What?

Well, your dad saw you
kiss that guy in the Prius.

Oh, my God. You were looking
out the window, spying on me?

No!

I was watching a surveillance
camera at Larabee's house.

Seriously, dad, this is
so none of your business.

Right... wasn't.

But... cat's out of the bag now.

Oh, God!

It's just an expression.

There's so many of them.

Mandy. Honey, wait a minute.

No. You know what? It's
so unfair that I live here.

My friends on campus get
away with way worse stuff,

and their parents never
have to know about it.

I want to be one of those kind of parents.

All right. You know what, sweetie?

It's not the worst
thing in the world, okay?

You're not married, y-you're not
engaged, and it was just a kiss.

Right? It was... was
just a kiss, right?

Here you are.

Ah. Kyle. Uh, you know what?

I-I actually wanted a cream soda.

Uh, I think there's one in the
fridge way, way, way in the back.

Oh. Wish you'd told me.

I'm not a mind reader.

Unlike that bulldog with the crystal ball.

Mandy, honey, what is going on?

Nothing.

Mandy, come on.

Okay.

There was this fashion
exhibit at the art museum,

and this guy in my class asked me out,

and I-I figured that
one date couldn't hurt,

especially if Kyle was
getting the same deal.

I was just... curious.

Curious, huh?

You know what they say curiosity killed?

I ended up thinking about
Kyle the whole time anyway,

even when that dude was kissing me.

Well, you went out with a
guy from the fashion class.

He was probably thinking about Kyle, too.

But that guy, he doesn't
mean anything to me.

I just hope that I haven't
screwed everything up.

All right, well, I think we
all know what you need to do.

- Yeah, I do. I have to tell him.
- Absolutely.

- Absolutely not.
- Oh. Oh. No, I know.

- You don't know anything.
- What are you telling... no, yeah, no.

Your idea is to pretend it never happened

and just forget about it... is that it?

What's the good of her telling him?

Makes her feel better
and he feels horrible.

He's a depressed guy
walking around my store.

We have guns there.

Dad, if I don't tell Kyle,
I'm gonna feel horrible.

Well, maybe you should.

Hey, Mrs. B. I couldn't find a cream soda.

Yeah, uh, don't worry.

It's, uh, it's time for wine anyway.

Kyle, I need to tell you something.

Yeah, what is it?

Um...

(Chuckles)

I love you.

Don't ever go away again.

(Both chuckle)

Well, I'm not going back
to Vegas anytime soon.

Good.

Oh, and I, uh, lost that 20 bucks
you asked me to bet for you.

Don't worry about it.
The house always wins.

Oh, no, I-I didn't lose it like that.

I dropped it running for my life.

What?

Yeah, I'm going in this casino...

A volcano erupted.

Yeah, I grabbed a couple
little kids and took off.

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