All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s04e13 Mike Hires Chuck.eng

"Last Man Standing" is recorded In
front of a live studio audience.

Isn't this great...

Four of us girls all studying together?

Yeah, it's especially great how you
keep interrupting to point that out.

Well, I can't look at these
teacher-training manuals one more minute.

I have an idea... coffee run!

Mom, it's after 9:00. We'd be up all night.

Well, who's up for some fro-yo, then?

We have some in the freezer.

Okay, fine. You know what?

You guys, you're the lamest roommates ever.

I really hope my college
experience isn't this sad.

Me too.

Uh, this is your college experience.

Okay. Now I'm sad.

(Indistinct conversation)

(Both Chuckle) Hey!

- Hey, guys.
- Hi!

How was the chamber of commerce dinner,
Mr. Philanthropist of the year?

(Clears throat)

It was humbling and... long overdue.

I actually teared up during
the acceptance speech.

I do that when I'm yawning.

Well, Ed, you really deserve this honor.

You have done so much for Denver.

Oh, come on. You know, the
Ed Alzate trauma center...

Well... It's true... The Ed Alzate
scholarship, the Ed Alzate park.

Kids get hurt at the park, they
go right to the trauma center.

Well, it's called "synergy."

If there's one thing
I've learned in life...

if you want to be recognized for
something, Just slap your name on it.

But doesn't taking credit
for good deeds make them...

Less good?

Says who?

Oh... Maimonides, the
medieval philosopher.

Dad, time to break out that yawn again.

According to Maimonides,
the highest form of charity

is giving without taking any credit.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you

over the memory of hundreds
of people applauding me.

On the other hand, when
people see you give,

it encourages others to be generous.

That's why God invented
the collection plate.

You know, Mike, this could be
good publicity for the store.

Well, we could take a
picture of you in the medal

and put it in the newspaper.

All right, well, last year,
when Pete Cutler won the award,

his company put up a 30-foot billboard.

Pete Cutler owns a billboard company.

Oh, forget it. Then I'll...
I'll just, uh, tack up a flyer

in the break room, and
I'll spring for the tack.

Boss, if you want a billboard,
I'll get you a billboard.

Okay. Good. (Chuckles) Good.

You know, I just happened to be doodling
some billboard designs here while...

while the children's
choir was droning on, hey.

"Ed Alzate... 40 years
of service to Denver."

That's all right. Whose picture's that?

That's me.

Oh. You are a philanthropist.

Very generous with the hair.

(Engine shuts off)

(Birds chirping)

Hey, Kyle, when did this happen?

According to the billboard,
it's been going on for 40 years.

I guess that's one way to
give back to the community.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

- Did you see it?
- Yeah.

You're really cleaning
up this award season.

You got that service award.

Now you get a medal for spreading STD's.

Yes, yes, funny... very funny.

I want whoever did this
drawn and quartered...

No, make it eighths.

I want to give him
something to think about.

Ed, Ed. Calm down. You
know what doctors say.

Stress will bring on another outbreak.

I'm an award-winning philanthropist.

I thought people liked me.

If people didn't like you, you
wouldn't have caught so many diseases.

Don't take it personally.

It's just some punks having fun.

I'm gonna fire the whole security staff.

Our security staff does a great job.

What we need is a little
help outside at night.

We need someone to defend
the perimeter, I guess...

a criminal mastermind.

Yeah, or a 13-year-old with a spray
can and a very flexible curfew.

Thanks for letting me
shadow your class, Carol.

I just feel like I'm one step closer to...

(Funky accent) ...Gettin' my teach on.

(Both Chuckle)

Well, there's still some
things you have to learn...

(Normal voice) Like
never using that expression again.

I guess I should also stop calling
myself your "white shadow."

That I don't mind.

Oh. Hey, Mrs. Larabee.

- Hey, honey.
- Hello, Mandy.

You know what?

I would love to compliment
you on that outfit,

but I'm gonna wait till after you
leave, 'cause that way it'll mean more.

Philosophy.

How long have you been standing there?

Long enough to see
something rare and weird.

Like a unicorn... doing dishes.

Or maybe I'm just going out of my way

to do something nice without taking credit.

Sounds like somebody's tooting
their own horn right now.

It must be Kyle. I got to run.

(Chuckling) Wow.

Evie, someone did something
very thoughtful in here.

And I'd love to take
credit, but as we know,

doing good without
credit is its own reward.

(Inhales deeply)

That said, if some nachos found the
way to my room, I wouldn't complain.

(Door opens)

- Hey, honey.
- Hey. You know what?

Our girls are turning into
some very fine young women.

Yeah. It's all me.

You know that billboard we put up for Ed?

Yeah, yeah.

Somebody sprayed graffiti all over it.

It's suggesting Ed is riddled with STD's.

(Gasps) Oh, my God. (Laughs)

He's been fielding calls
from ex-girlfriends all day.

Those must be uncomfortable.

Nah, just the one that called to apologize.

We're gonna get a new billboard,
and I'm gonna beef up security,

so I'm thinking of asking Chuck
Larabee if he wants the job.

Uh, well... wait, wait, wait. No, honey.

Um... The... Carol's out there.

Well, tell her the good news.

She'll be spending a lot
less time with her husband.

Yeah, but if you hire him at work,

that puts you in the awkward
position of being Chuck's boss.

- Not awkward for me.
- Y-y-yeah, no.

But you'd be mixing friendship
with work and just...

I-I know what you mean, but
it's not like that with guys.

Really, it isn't. We separate that.

Well, you remember the
scene in "The Godfather"

when Tom Hagen went to Tessio...

...said he had to get whacked...

...And Tessio said, "what?"

He goes, "It's just business."

And even Tessio went, "Oh, okay. I get it."

And then he got whacked.

So if things go badly at work, you can
whack Chuck, and he'll understand?

(Chuckles)

Hope it doesn't come to that, but yeah.

Honey, if there are any
problems between you and Chuck,

that'll cause problems
between me and Carol,

And (sighs) she's my special friend.

Yeah. Y-your special friend.

I think February is
special-friend history month.

- Isn't it?
- What? Oh, stop!

Look, come on.

Can't you just hire
another security company?

- Seriously?
- Yes!

(Doorbell rings) all right.

I guess every Barbara needs their Whoopi.

- Hey, Carol.
- Hey, that's Chuck.

You want me to get the door, Mike?

No, no. You're special.

(Door opens)

- Come on in, Chuck.
- Hey, Baxter.

- Hey. Hi, Chuck.
- Hey.

- Hey, Carol, you... you almost ready?
- Yeah. Yep.

Hey, Baxter, you know, I heard
about the vandalism at your store.

- How are you handling it?
- Mike: It was...

It's all taken care of. Thanks for asking.

How are you for security cameras?

Chuck, we... we are really looking
forward to that concert Friday night.

Yeah. Now, which one of you
ladies picked James Taylor?

- I did.
- What?

I'm allowed to like James Taylor.

You're allowed to like a lot of things.

That doesn't mean you act on it.

No, but... but thank you for inviting us.

Yeah, we'll pay you back...

Next time George Clinton and the
parliament/funkadelic roll in.

So there is a Clinton you like.

Listen, about your tagger...

- I told you we took care of it.
- No, no, no, no, no.

You need to nip this in the bud, or,
before long, the side of your building

is the ugliest thing you've ever seen.

Oh, I don't know. I don't
know. I've seen a lot of things.

I've seen fire. I've... I've seen rain.

But I have never seen a black
man at a James Taylor concert.

(Laughter)

Hey, Kyle, what's Ed up to?

Oh, he's in a meeting with a
specialist about our graffiti problem.

You know, he was really happy you
got that new billboard up so fast.

Didn't like people looking at him
and thinking of venereal disease.

Billboard didn't start that.

Let's just hope these vandals
don't get cute with the new one.

That is a great attitude, Mr. B.

Sometimes I get so mad at vandals,
I forget how cute they can be.

Mike, guess who I hired
to guard our parking lot.

Hey, Baxter.

Chuck Larabee.

Yeah, well, he's a friend.
I knew you wouldn't mind.

So, now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to return some very
uncomfortable phone calls.

You don't have a problem
with this, do you, Mike?

No, I don't have a problem with this.

Oh, good, 'cause, you know...

(Chuckles) It's just curious.

See, I saw you last night,
and we discussed the vandalism,

but at no point did you mention
there was a job available.

Vanessa thought it would be awkward

for us to work together,
since the four of us hang out.

She doesn't think that
men can separate stuff.

(Scoffs) Well, see, that's because
women can't let things go.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I've already forgotten that
you completely dissed me last night.

I've almost forgotten that you're
a big fan of sweet baby James.

(Chuckles)

And besides, technically,
I don't work for you.

I'm an independent contractor.

Yeah, but you work for Outdoor Man,
so you technically do work for...

Ed... He's the one that hired me.

He doesn't have to check with his
wife for personnel decisions.

(Both Chuckle)

Can't believe my wife
thought this would be awkward.

Mm, no.

Oh, crap.

Ed: This billboard is a nightmare.

I feel like my mother's
staring down at me, Mike.

Just relax. Don't get your
panties all twisted up.

I assume you're wearing a matching set.

Yeah, but Chuck was supposed
to be guarding that thing,

so what do you have to
say for your buddy now?

My "buddy"? You're the one that hired him.

Well, I'm about ready to fire him.

And would you please get my
chi-chis off the side of the store?

I can get them off the side of the store,
but I'll never get them out of here.

Of course.

Is Ed in?

Uh, yeah, but I'd let him calm down first.

Mr. Alzate is pretty steamed.

Yeah. I wonder why.

It's because you messed up and
they painted the billboard again.

Well, look who showed up to help
solve the caper... Sherlock Homey.

(Chuckling) Oh, I get
it. It's because I'm black.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

The... the taggers fooled my
guard last night with a decoy.

While he was chasing one guy,
the other one tagged the store.

Right, right, sounds like
a real "Ocean's Eleven"

Going on down there. (Sighs)

I told Ed we needed at least two
guards to do this thing right,

but, uh, he went with the
cheaper security package.

Listen, if you couldn't do the
job, you shouldn't have said yes,

but you did, and now I'm
in the middle of this.

Okay, fine, Baxter. I'll handle it.

Right.

Well, there's a 40-foot bald
guy on the wall down there

in D-cups that begs to differ.

You don't do this right,
you're gonna get fired.

Oh, honey, you know what?

Please don't leave your
dirty dishes everywhere.

We'll get rats, and not the cute
kind that dress you for the ball.

- I was going to get those.
- Oh, you know what?

I have heard that before,

and then someone like me or
Eve has to clean up after you.

You know she cleaned the
whole kitchen the other day?

Sorry, what? You did what?

Yeah. Mom, please.

I did not take credit for that.

Good, because...

Because taking credit is selfish.

Isn't that right, Maimonides?

Oh.

I am so proud of you.

You're gonna be really sorry next semester

when I'm done taking philosophy
and I start taking judo.

- Hey, my love.
- Hey.

How was school today?

Anybody put gum in your hair
or bully you or anything?

Shadowing Carol is great, and I am really

making a good connection
with these amazing kids.

That's great. Look at this.

They did our billboard again.

(Scoffs)

Any of those amazing kids have
spray paint on their hands?

I thought you hired Chuck
to guard the parking lot.

He nailed it. Parking lot's still there.

(Sighs)

But see that this is exactly
what I was worried about?

Now you have a problem with Chuck,

and it's gonna make things
tense with me and Carol.

Neighbor Chuck and I don't have a problem.

Work Chuck and I have a problem.

Yeah, but both Chucks are married
to one of my very-best friends.

This is exactly why I didn't want
you to hire him in the first place.

- I didn't hire him.
- Honey...

Take this up with work Ed.

- (Sighs) Not now.
- Stop.

- Hey.
- Hi. Hi.

How are you?

- Hi, Carol. Hi, Chuck.
- Hello.

- Nice to see you. Hey, Baxter.
- Hi. Sit down. Sit down.

Uh, so we, uh, have some time
for a drink before the show.

Oh, okay.

- I would love a glass of wine.
- Yeah? Okay. Chuck?

Maybe, uh, just a soda.

Soda?

You wouldn't want anything to interfere

with your ability to rock
out to James Taylor, huh?

(Chuckles)

You laugh, but last year, when he went
into "Mockingbird," that place went nuts.

That was you, Chuck.

You went nuts.

Folks behind us asked you to sit down.

Uh, this wine is, uh...
is from Ed's vineyard.

It is delicious and,
uh, surprisingly cheap.

Hmm. Cheap. Sounds like Ed.

(Wine pouring)

If you got something to say,
why don't you just say it?

I think I said it.

Uh, I am sure looking forward
to that concert, you know?

(Chuckles nervously) Oh, yeah.

Uh, maybe we should watch the time, though.

Yeah, think you can do that, Chuck...

Keep an eye on something for me?

Ha ha. Shouldn't be a problem.

Sure it's not a two-man job?

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

Nah, we're fine.

(Sighing) Anyway...

(Normal voice) I would
like to propose a toast...

Mm-hmm... To my good friend Carol.

Oh.

Uh, Carol, I am having so
much fun in your classroom.

Oh. Well, I'm glad you're having fun.

Yeah, well, not just
fun. I-I'm learning a lot.

And, uh... and the kids,
they're learning, too.

Yes, but they really do learn better
when we don't do their work for them.

(Chuckles) oh. We don't
do their work for them.

Yeah, well, maybe I give them
a hint or two, but just...

Yeah. "X equals 6" is not a hint when
the question is "what does X equal?"

Is this still part of the toast?

Maybe we should go to the concert early.

There'll be, uh, metal detectors
and a lot of artificial hips.

- Let's go.
- I'm sorry, Carol.

But it just seemed like you
were losing some of the kids.

(Chuckling) Oh, you want
to talk about losing kids?

I leave you for two minutes, come back,

and found my students wandering the hall.

All right, Dominique needed
to go to her locker,

and when she didn't come back, Troy
volunteered to go look for her.

Uh-huh. And he found her.

And I found them making
out by the trophy case.

New toast! To Troy!

Oh. To Troy!

(Glasses clink)

All right, you know what?
So I just made one mistake.

No, if you only counted one, then
you shouldn't be teaching math.

You got a ways to go before you're
ready to run your own class.

Well(Glass thuds)

Does this mean you're not
gonna give me a recommendation?

I mean, come on. Carol, we're friends.

You see what's happening here, Chuck,

is two great people letting work
interfere with their friendship.

Yeah. It's sad, is what it is.

I think I am ready to run a class
and maybe you are just bothered

Because your students
like me more than you.

(Chuckles) Of course they like you more.

You give them the answers and you
let them make out in the halls.

Why don't you buy them some beer?

They'll make you prom queen.

You know what we need here?

The soothing sounds of James Taylor.

- How about that concert?
- Okay.

(Cellphone chimes) Carol: Let's go.

(Sighs)

- Aw, man.
- What's the problem?

My guard saw somebody suspicious

in your store parking lot.
I'm gonna go check it out.

(Indistinct shouting) What?

You're gonna leave me with those two?

Well (sighs) I said I was gonna
handle it, so I'm handling it.

- I know, but...
- No, no, no.

You go to the James Taylor concert.

Enjoy yourself.

I actually can't do both of those things.

(Banging on window) What the...?!

I didn't see you there.

That should be your company motto.

(Sighs)

What are you doing here, Mike?

I just stopped by...

(Car door closes)

...To see if everything was okay.

(Sighs) Everything's
fine. It was a false alarm.

Decided to relieve my guy for a few hours.

Let him go home and
feed his seeing-eye dog?

Mm. How was James Taylor?

It was a great concert, and
I'm sorry that you missed it.

You know, he sang
"You've got a friend" and...

Oh, great song.

...Vanessa and Carol burst into tears,

- Started hugging each other.
- Hmm.

It was... it was hard to watch.

That all it took to patch things up?

Well, a little contact high
from the hippies in front of us.

They decided that it was a bad
idea for them to work together.

You know, women just have a
tough time compartmentalizing.

Yeah... Well, maybe it's not just women.

You know, I've been having a hard time

- Yeah.
- Working with my good friend... Ed.

And, uh, working with you hasn't
been all that easy, either.

Yeah. You're right. Maybe
we shouldn't do this.

What?! You're gonna fire a brother
after he missed James Taylor for you?

No, I'm not gonna fire
you. I'm not a monster.

Let's just stop being friends.

Oh, that's a better idea.

Yeah, we're... we're still neighbors.

- Yeah, that's much better.
- Of course. Yeah, yeah.

We'll still do things together
when the women force us to.

Yeah. Okay. Um, just for their sake.

Exactly.

And I suppose it would be okay

If you came over tomorrow
and watched the nuggets game.

- Already on the books.
- Yeah.

Okay, from now on, we're
just a couple of guys

who work together, live in close proximity,

and, um, sometimes do stuff together.

Maybe we shouldn't try to label it.

Mm.

Hi, there. Mike Baxter
here for Outdoor Man.

You know, a group of
lions is called a "pride,"

But is a lion actually proud?
It has every right to be.

It's the top of the African food chain.

But when a lion makes a kill, does
it do an obnoxious victory dance

and then spike the antelope? No.

Lions keep it classy.

They eat, lick their
paws, do a few circles,

and go do their business in the tall grass.

Now, the ancient Greeks
had a word for showboating.

It's called "hubris."

It means excessive pride
leading to one's own downfall.

The word is so ancient, it comes from when

the Greeks actually had
a lot to be proud of,

back when they created
democracy, the Olympics.

Now they light cheese on fire
and owe the Germans billions.

Here's another example of
the price you pay for hubris.

(Chuckling) And I'm not talking
about the handsome dude in the D-cups.

I'm talking about the little victory
dance down in the corner... "Zuggz."

The dumbass taggers couldn't resist
taking credit for their handiwork,

which allowed our security
guy, Chuck Larabee,

to track down these master criminals
to their mom's basement in Thornton.

Those two Zuggz will be spending
the rest of the eighth grade

picking up trash along I-25.

Wave at them.

And like the lions,
they'll probably have to

do their business... In the tall grass.

Oh, washing your clothes, huh?

Better hope none of your
designer labels came off,

or you're holding a basket
of cheap Chinese rags.

Actually, I've done laundry
for the entire family,

and I won't be taking any credit.

I will, however, be taking
the 85 cents that I found.

Hey, girls.

Hi. Hey, mom.

Oh, wow. Evie, look... you
did all the laundry, too?

(Chuckles)

(Sighs)

Thanks, mom, but I'm really
not looking for credit.

It... it just wouldn't be right.

No, it wouldn't. It just wouldn't.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, but we all know who did it...

The same angel who cleaned the
whole kitchen the other day.

You know what? You're not
only your dad's favorite.

What I mean is...

You're also mine.

(Smooches)

Got to work on your whispering, mom.

Oh. (Chuckling) sorry.
I didn't mean that.

Okay. (Smooches)

I really did.

- Yeah.
- Okay. Bye.

Wow.

"Maimonides" must be the
Greek word for "sucker."

Heh.

Oh, my God.

(Chuckling) You shrunk
mom's new James Taylor shirt.

I didn't know that was in
there. She loves that thing.

Yeah, she's gonna be so pissed!

Yeah...

At you!

But I didn't do the laundry, so...

Oh. Okay. Go try telling mom that.

You know, this reminds me
of something else, actually,

that we're studying in philosophy...

Uh, karma.

And apparently, it's a bitch.

Oh, mom!

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