All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s04e12 Helen Potts.eng

"Last Man Standing" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

(Dog barking)

Somebody's got to muzzle that dog
or rescue Timmy from the well.

It's Larabee's German Shepherd.

Every morning this week.

Damn dog's giving Germans a bad name.

I'm surprised the Shirazis'
French poodle hasn't surrendered.

(Barking continues)

(Groans)

(Sighs) I'm up. I'm up.

Might as well go to pilates.

If I get there early enough, I can take
the class with the pregnant women.

It's easier, and I get to feel skinny.

Hey. Honey, you'll suffocate.

I'll take sleep however I can get it!

(Barking continues)

Hey, good morning. Hey, hi.

Uh, you want to take a look at
the water pressure in the sink?

It's down to a trickle.

Well, the house and I were
built about the same time,

so maybe we both need a prostate exam.

Hey, want to take a
pilates class with me, huh?

Lots of men in the class.

Nah, I don't think
pilates and men go together

except for men that go together.

(Knock on door) Oh,
hey, Chuck, come on in.

Well, if it isn't my alarm clock.

Hey, Baxter, I just got your
text about lady's barking.

All caps?

Better watch your tone, man.

Take care of that dog.

Remind that German
Shepherd who won the war.

Lady only barks when my neighbor
starts up that tile saw. I know.

Th-there's something about
th-the whine of that thing

that just irritates her.

You're a big marine. Go over there
and tell that guy to stop doing that.

Well, whose saw is it?

Helen Potts.

You're scared of a guy named Helen.

Oh, I like Helen Potts.

Honey, she lives around the corner.

We get her magazines sometimes,

and she never complains when I return
them without the perfume samples.

Well, I've tried reasoning
with her about the saw,

but all she does is start yelling.

I think she's got something against men.

Doesn't like men, uses a tile
saw, doesn't use perfume...

I think this picture paints itself.

I believe she's recently divorced.

Well, I could talk to her if you want.

You don't talk to neighbors.
It just causes trouble.

That's how we ended up with
Shaft here in our kitchen.

I can dig it.

Well, I'm off to pilates.

Or, if the traffic's bad, Dunkin' Donuts.

Have a good day at work. I love you. Bye.

Hey, wait. Wait a minute,
Larabee. Wait a minute.

Are you gonna take care of this or not?

I told you... I tried with
this woman, and I'm done.

And I've seen enough horror movies to
know not to piss off someone with a saw.

Besides, the brother is
always the first to go.

All right.

I'll go over there, and
I'll take care of it.

I mean, really, why send Shaft
when you got Dirty Harry?

Huh?

What's with the bag?

(Chuckles)

Oh, that was a big one! Oh!

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

(Saw whirring)

Hey! Yo!

(Saw shuts off)

Hey, there.

I'm Mike Baxter. I live
on the street next to...

Wow.

Have we met before?

You do look vaguely familiar.

Yeah.

Is this your, uh, tile
saw? It's a nice one.

You like tools?

Not as much as I used to.

So, other than making a lot of noise,

what are you... what
are you doing out here?

Ugh, I got a million things
to fix around the house.

My idiot husband thought
he was quite the handyman...

...but mostly, he just set
stuff on fire, blew things up,

and complained about my cooking.

Sounds like a fun Tuesday night.

You should try putting up
with him for eight years.

Eight long years.

The thing is, this saw
is making a lot of noise,

and it's bothering the dog next door,

who's barking and keeping everybody awake.

Is there a way you could just start the
sawing a little later in the morning?

Sorry, I do my best work in the morning.

I used to get my best sleep in the morning.

Hi-Dee-ho
there, Baxter.

Hey, Larabee.

Doesn't sound like you're doing
much better with Helen than I did.

I told you she was a tough one.

Yeah.

Do you have something
else on besides that hat?

Maybe it's time for a
...a different approach.

You know, Mike, this reminds
me of the ancient Aztecs.

Whenever they had trouble with a
neighboring tribe, very often...

Yeah, I got...

Listen, y-you lost
me on "hi-Dee-ho."

Give me a minute. Give me a minute.

Excuse me.

You again? (Sighs)

Wow.

You know, you could probably
pull this whole place together

with a few colorful accent pillows.

My husband is the reason why
this place is such a mess.

He was always souping
up all of our appliances.

He rewired our waffle iron so
it went up to 1,000 degrees.

You know what melts at 1,000 degrees?

A waffle iron.

Listen, if you're gonna saw in the morning,
why don't you do all of us a favor

and just don't do it on the weekends?

You know, this is America.

I get it.

I can run my tile saw whenever I want.

Actually, in this part of America,

there's a law against doing
construction work before 7:00 A.M.

So, you're gonna bring
the law into this?

Well, I think I...

Wait, wait. Aren't you the
guy that has the flagpole?

Yeah.

A pole that size has got to be
against some kind of building code.

Yeah, but my pole doesn't
wake people up in the morning.

At your age, I'm not surprised.

All right, all right, all right.

So, you take a shot at me, you
don't like the American flag...

It's not the American
flag that I object to.

It's when you fly your Broncos flag.

I prefer Oakland.

People in Oakland don't
even prefer Oakland.

You know, I think it's
time for you to leave.

This reminds me of talking to my husband.

You know, if he'd really let himself go.

Oh, there she is
...Mike's youngest.

I-it's Eve.

Well, you seem pretty
sure. We'll go with that.

Thanks again for helping me
with my assignment, Mr. Alzate.

All right. Fine.

I mean, let the other kids do
lame collages on the Vietnam war.

An oral history from an
actual vet who was "in country"

will blow them away.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, I was there.

I'll never forget the bugs,
the heat, and the smell.

Oh, my God, the smell.

(Sighs)

Oh, w-what was the smell?

Hopelessness?

Napalm?

Death?

Tilapia.

Our office in Saigon
was over a fish market.

Huh.

Um, well, can you tell me
about some of the major battles?

The Tet Offensive was a nightmare.

All right. Here we go.

Tons of paperwork. That's right.

Requisition forms,
everything in triplicate.

One month solid... we
worked through lunch.

So, you worked in an office?

You... you didn't
see any fighting?

Well, I went a couple of rounds
with a hand-cranked mimeo machine.

Now, you have to understand, you don't
just win a war on the battlefield.

Uh, technically, we didn't win that war.

Can't pin that on the clerical staff...

Everything was filed.

Uh, I guess I don't get it.

I mean, I googled "Ed
Alzate" and "Vietnam war"

and found all this stuff
about you being a hero.

Look.

All right.

Well, th-that's Edward P. Alzate.

I'm Edward A., okay?

That's strange.

(Clears throat)

I mean, there's another
Edward Alzate out there?

I guess (Chuckles) my old man
was right... I'm not special.

Oh, wait.

It says this Edward
Alzate didn't make it home.

Oh.

(Clears throat)

"Edward P. Alzate died in action."

Hmm.

Well, now, so...

Edward P. died while Edward A.
survived to live a fortunate life.

Well, that, uh...

That really makes you think.

Hmm.

Makes me think I should
get started on that collage.

I should do something
to enshrine his memory.

Maybe I could rename my
city park in his honor.

You mean, uh, rename
the "Ed Alzate park"...

The "Ed Alzate park"?

It's the least I could do for a hero.

It literally is.

(Door opens)

Hey, lover. Hey.

Hey, get this. Get this.

I go to the ATM machine to get cash, right?

Then I go get groceries and
scan them on another machine.

I'm, like, living the dream where I
don't even have to deal with people.

Yeah, the people are
happy about it, too, honey.

Well, lucky for you, I
don't mind being friendly,

so I went down to see Helen Potts.

Yeah, what a nut bag, huh?

It's amazing a woman with so many
tools has so many screws loose.

Hey, how are you?

Hi, Mike.

Hey.

I invited Helen over for drinks.

Yeah. See that. Yeah.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, hope I can get a to-go cup.

Is it safe?

She still here, or did the
flying monkeys take her away?

You went to the bathroom,
and you never came back.

Where were you hiding?

I'm not telling you in case she comes back.

Well, Helen and I had a great time.

I really admire the way she's
moved on since her husband left.

Do we really know that he's left?

We'd have to dig up that whole
backyard to be perfectly sure.

Honey, you know, you embarrassed me.

I mean, I'm down here telling
her what a great guy you are,

and you're upstairs hiding in the...

Linen closet?

(Chuckling) Nice try.

- Hey.
- Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, Kris.

You know, let me ask you something...

When you have girlfriends over,

does Ryan disappear for three hours?

He disappears into the bedroom.

See?

Then he reappears with his guitar,

providing the unrequested
soundtrack to our book club.

If I ever meet Seals or Crofts, I'm
gonna beat the crap out of them.

Is that what you want?

I can play "little
brown jug" on a recorder.

Just, next time you see
Helen, make an effort, huh?

Please? For me?

Left a lot of friends
behind when I quit my job.

I wish you'd bring those
friends home again...

Ben Franklin, Andrew Jackson.

Those guys start showing up again,
I'll come out of the upstairs closet.

Damn it!
Ha! Ha!

How'd your interview with Ed go?

Not great.

You don't expect to fall asleep
during a guy's war stories.

I was kind of afraid of that.

Ed's military experience is less "platoon"

and more "full metal filing cabinet."

He did cut his tongue
licking envelopes once.

I guess I could call that a head wound.

You know, Ed wasn't drafted.
He enlisted, you know.

So, it really wasn't his choice of
where they found him most valuable.

Mm, there's that sleepy feeling again.

(Sighs)

Good night, Vietnam.

Dad (Sighs) Ed's just not a hero.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

You want to meet some more heroes?

Go to the VFW on Wednesday nights.

Ask Larabee. He'll take you.

Well, why Wednesday?

It's busy down there...
A lot of guys down there.

Make sure you talk to the bartender.

He can open a beer bottle
with his eye socket.

They call him Pop.

Helen: I couldn't get up then. (Chuckles)

Hey. Honey, look who's here.

I know who's here. I could
hear the "Jaws" theme.

Oh, Mike!

How was boot camp?

You know, if you want someone to
yell at you and call you maggot,

I would do that here for free.

I think getting yelled at by Diego
is the only reason Helen goes.

I would drop and give him
20 of whatever he wants.

Come on. It's a kitchen.

We eat food in here.

So, what are you fixing over there?

Actually, uh, we got no pressure, and
I think there's a clog somewhere.

Well, let me have a look.

Faucets are simple to fix.
Even a man could do it.

Really?

Don't worry, Vanessa.

(Straining) I'll make
sure this gets done right.

Hey, Helen, if you want to stick
your head in something else,

why don't you try the oven?

This faucet nut is stuck.

Well, that shouldn't be a problem.

I'm sure you have a lot of
experience twisting off nuts.

You know (Sighs)

You remind me of why I enjoy being single.

You should try it sometime, Vanessa. Mm.

Uh, do you got any, uh, WD-40?

Uh, well, if it's really that stuck,

I think maybe you might
need some, uh... some WD-80.

(Both chuckle)

Don't laugh at that. She'll
just do more of those.

I thought it was funny.

Yeah. No, you didn't.
Listen, I know what it is.

It's not really the bolt down there.

It's this. It already comes out.

Whoa!

What'd you do down here?!

I turned off the water!

No, you turned it on! I had it turned off!

Well, how was I supposed to know that?

Guys, it's okay. It's only water.

Well, because right is tight, left is...

You don't know what you're doing. Oh...

I don't know why your husband
left you all these tools.

You don't know how to use these things.

(Sighs) Vanessa, I'm sorry.

I really enjoyed getting to know you...

And Diego...

But life is too short for me
to waste my time around him.

Wait, Helen.

(Sighs)

Congratulations.

You know what? You just
drove away my new friend.

It's not my fault.

She probably can't get wet.

She'll melt.

Oh, honey.

Oh, hey, honey. Hi.

Want to take a spin class with me later?

Nah, I'm naturally slender.

Feel free to hate me.

A lot of people do. (Chuckles) (Sighs)

Oh, I thought Helen was your new gym buddy.

Ah, well, your dad wrecked that.

He's not into meeting new people.

Or old people.

Or, really, any people.

It's better for you

that dad doesn't have any other
friends vying for his attention.

Argo, you get to be the
center of his universe.

(Clicks tongue)

Wow, yeah, I never would've
looked at it that way.

I know.

I hear that a lot when I say things.

I guess I should be flattered

that I'm the only person your
dad wants to spend time with.

Yeah.

Thanks for taking the
bullet for the rest of us.

(Chuckling) That was so much fun.

Mike: Yeah.

You really know your way
around a hardware store.

Next time, I'll wear my red vest...

We get the employee discount.

You guys went to the
hardware store together.

No, actually ran into each
other at the hardware store.

Mike was like
a 12-year-old.

While we were waiting in line,
he had them page Pat Magroin.

Hey, you laughed at that.

Isn't that our supermarket joke?

Well, it really works
anywhere there's an intercom

and no employee named Pat Magroin.

Listen, I got Helen a little
peace offering for the other day.

Wow.

Wow, a saw blade.

Easiest way to a woman's heart.

And the rest of her vital organs.

Hey, you feel like taking
a spin class with me later?

Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.

Mike and I have a project.

Oh, that reminds me, I need to
borrow your 3/4-inch spade bit.

Uh, I have one in the workbench.

It's sit...
I can get it.

Well, I think I know what it looks like.

She has a tankless water heater.
I told her I'd help her put it in.

It's a "tankless" job, but
somebody's got to do it.

(Chuckles lightly)

That's... Just...

That's a funny, classic
way to put that, you know?

(Chuckles)

What is going on with you, huh?

Uh, lis-listen. "Tankless job"?

But if I made that joke, you
would've sent me to my room

and told me to think about what I'd done.

Listen, I got to tell you
something about about Helen.

No, honey, I-I know I asked
you to be friendly, but...

But you're not this friendly with
anyone, not even the Omaha steaks guy.

Vanessa, please, just
listen to me. No, no, no.

You listen. You listen.

I-I don't want to
sound petty, but...

You're just about to.
(Sighs) This is weird.

It's like you went out of your
way to steal my new friend.

I mean, that is the only
possible reason I can think of

for you being nice to her.

Her husband died.

(Exhales sharply) Or that reason.

Wow.

I mean, what do you mean he died?

Like, he left her.

Well, he left everybody.

That's what happens when you
have a massive heart attack.

Listen, he died about
six or eight months ago.

She never told me, uh...

I don't think she knows I know.

The guy at the hardware store told me
about it, which I felt very embarrassed

'cause I had just asked
him to page Pat Magroin.

I mean, why didn't she tell me?

If you died, I would've told everyone.

Let's not get that party started yet, okay?

A lot of people grieve
in different ways. Yeah.

Maybe she doesn't want
people feeling sorry for her

because her husband had died.

Oh, yeah, but now I do feel sorry for her.

Don't.

Ugh.

This is why I don't talk about it.

I just got so sick of seeing that
pitying look on people's faces.

Yeah. That one.

(Sighs) Helen, I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry a-about your husband,

about my face
...all of it.

Don't be.

He was a great guy.

I was lucky to have the
time that I had with him.

The idiot that wrecked your kitchen?

Yeah, well, he was an idiot.

But he was my idiot.

Just like you're Vanessa's idiot.

And...

She's my idiot.

(Laughs)

Oh, we used to, you know,
bicker back and forth

like you and I have been doing, Mike.

And I... Miss it.

Of course, he was way more clever.

Well, he...

Probably had better writers.

(Chuckles)

Well, he was a lot of fun.

You know, just ask anybody on our street.

The Nielsens loved him.

Helen, stop me if this
makes you uncomfortable...

Stop.

You see? This is
why you like her...

She's independent, she's strong.

That's why she pretends
to be good with tools.

I can handle a tool. That's
why you and I get along.

Seriously,

you don't know your rasp
from a hole in the ground.

Thank you so much. My husband
is in a hole in the ground.

Oh, that's...

Kidding!

I had him cremated.

We used that waffle iron.

Helen, I think it's healthy
that you're finally able to...

Stop.

I'm gonna help her put in that
water heater, and I'll be home.

All right, yeah, 'cause after
all, it is a "tankless" job.

Maybe it's the delivery.

Wow.

There are a lot of guys here tonight.

American foreign policy has been
very good for the VFW business.

So, uh, which guys were in Vietnam?

White hair and hearing
aids are your Korea vets,

gray ponytails and beards
are your Vietnam vets,

Metallica shirts are
your Desert Storm guys,

and, um, that guy over there drinking
a Cosmopolitan was in Grenada.

What about those guys?

Do you think most of them saw combat?

Yeah, but for some of them,

the real battle is getting
through all the bureaucracy

to get their VA benefits.

Oh, that sucks.

Yeah, it does.

But, you know, we got a
guy here who helps them out.

Every Wednesday night, he walks
vets through all the paperwork

and makes sure they get
what they were promised.

Been doing it for 30 years.

That's really cool.

Yeah, it is.

Listen, don't beat yourself
up over this, all right, Larry?

They always kick this form back.

It's the 21-526ez.

It's the hamburger hill
of disability claim forms.

Mr. Alzate?

Yeah, just one s...

Well, look who it is.

I was wondering if I could
maybe interview you again.

Me?

I thought you wanted your
report to be about a hero.

Yes, I-I do.

Mm.

All right, well, I can't do it right now.

I'm gonna be busy for a little while.

Why don't you go to the
bar, get yourself a soda?

You want to see something awesome,
have Pop open it for you.

That was rough.

Well, at least the worst part's over.

Now just hook up the
electricity and the water,

and someone's got to go turn the gas on.

I was talking about your
endless hunting story.

Are you sure that bear
didn't die of boredom?

Yeah.

Somebody's got to go in the basement,

into the crawl space, and turn the gas on.

I was down there, and I'm
...I'm sure I turned it...

Wait a minute.

Righty tighty, right? Lefty loosey.

You know all this stuff.

Well, anyway, go down there.
You'll figure it out. Just light a match.

Jeez, I just remembered I got to
meet one of my sons for lunch.

Oh, hey.

Mom.

I don't think we've met.

Randy.

Randy. You look familiar.

Hey, Randy. How you doing?

Yeah, I'm Randy. How's it going?

It's good to see you. (Chuckles)

Check you later.

See you later.

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