All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s04e07 Big Shots.eng

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

What's up, honey?

Ugh. Can you believe
there's another Kardashian?

Look at this.

It's like cars... they come out
with a new model every year.

I bet she's got that new Kardashian smell.

Honey, I hate how, as women, we're either
objects of desire or domestic servants.

I don't think that's true.
Anyway, when's dinner, toots?

Lucky me. I'm both.

Hey. Must be dinner. Look who showed up.

Ha ha.

Ha ha. No, we just came to get Boyd.

Hold on.

What are you having? (Chuckles)

Hey, thanks for picking
up Boyd from school, mom.

Yeah. He's upstairs napping.

Honey, I think he's
coming down with something.

What do you mean he's
coming down with something?

What's he doing in the house?

Oh, what's the matter, Mike?
You afraid of a little boy?

This from the guy that took one look
at him and left for three years?

I don't think... aah, aah, aah.

(Weakly) Mommy, I don't feel so good.

Ohh, you have spots and a fever.

Uh-oh. Come here. Come
here. Stop scratching.

No, no, this is looking like chicken pox.

(Chuckling) Great.

I've already had 'em.

So have I, and the girls have
all had their vaccinations.

Uh, well, I've never had them,
and I've never been vaccinated.

Uh, o-okay, I'm gonna
get Boyd back to bed.

You need to get out of here.

She's right. Chicken pox
are much worse for adults.

So go. Go, go, go.

Don't you want to lick your kid goodbye?

Hey, babe, I'm just
gonna wait outside, okay?

Okay. It's gonna be
terrible in here without you.

(Door closes) No, it's not. It's gonna...

What's the deal with Boyd?
He's all, like, broken out.

- Chicken pox.
- Thank God.

For a second, I thought he had acne.

I cannot afford to catch that.

I don't think acne is contagious, honey.

Well, I don't know.

Nobody went near the kids
who had it in high school.

They were all treated like leopards.

You mean lepers?

The "d" is silent?

Oh, I never knew that. (Giggles)

Hey, uh, so, since Ryan is
susceptible, it might be better

if Boyd and I stayed here
for the next few nights.

No, Kris, just bring him home, all right?

I'll stay away from him.

No, you'll catch it, okay?

Our apartment will be like a petri dish.

Petri dish has more square
footage than your apartment.

Honey, I keep wondering
how Boyd caught this.

Right.

I mean, he's had all
his vaccinations, right?

That vaccine is not 100% effective.

Well, that's true.

Well, maybe it's not chicken pox.

Maybe it's some weird armadillo pox he got

from one of those
undocumenteds at his school.

More likely he got it because
some selfish parent figured,

"all the other kids have got
their shots, so why bother?"

Or a thoughtful, well-informed parent

who knows that vaccines could actually

make her child sicker than the disease.

That's right.

I made the choice not to vaccinate Boyd.

- You what?!
- You did what?!

No, seriously, speak up.

I can't hear anything through the glass.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

Wait a minute, Kris.

You told me that you got that
boy vaccinated a long time ago.

Well, I lied, okay?

I took him to get ice cream instead.

So you're thumbing your
nose at diabetes, too?

Good. Great parenting.

Then it's not just varicella.

He didn't get his DTAP,
Hep B, HIB, MMR, PCV.

Honey, this is bad.

It could lead to a serious
outbreak of abbreviations.

Look, you got to vaccinate this kid.

No. Okay? I did my research.

There can be dangerous side effects.

What about the side effect
of a sick kid upstairs?

You don't vaccinate him,

he could end up with mumps,
tetanus, or German measles,

and you can't mess with German measles.

I...

Literally, it starts with an itch.

Next day, you lose Poland.

Kris, the side effects from these
vaccines are extremely rare.

Sure, according to the A.M.A., but
they're in the pockets of big pharma.

Where do you get your science, on the
bulletin board at the yoga studio?

Oh. Dad.

No, but these diseases, they're making
a big comeback... Exactly. Exactly.

...thanks to this groovy, new
trend of not getting shots.

Listen, there is more whooping cough
in Beverly Hills than in South Sudan.

Hey. Back off, okay?

She's Boyd's mom, and I support her.

Thank you.

Yeah, assuming that you're
still talking about vaccinations,

'cause I'm pretty much just
lipreading at this point.

This is just liberal hypocrisy.

When it's about climate
change, science good.

- About medicine, science bad.
- All right.

Okay, you know what? I'm done, okay?

I'm just gonna take Boyd
home and care for him there.

All right, no, no. Look, look, look.

You and Boyd stay here, and we'll call a
truce to this discussion for now, okay?

(Sighs)

Thank you. I'm gonna see how he's doing.

Geez.

I can't understand how educated
people like our daughter

can turn their backs on science.

Even a big liberal like FDR

would have stood up for the
polio vaccine... (Groans)

...you know, if he could have stood up.

(Metal clanging)

(Chitters)

Nice shootin', partner.

I agree with the old
prospector on that one.

He says it a lot, but I can tell
he really meant it that time.

I've been playing every
day for a whole week,

and I still can't beat that high score.

Who the hell is "best
shot in the we" anyway?

That's me. I ran out of spaces.

It's supposed to read "best shot
in the Western United States."

- Who knew you were so good?
- Yeah.

Hey. How's the best shot in
the Western United States?

Great. (Giggles)

Well, we should go, okay? Mwah!

It's the perfect time to hit the mall...

After all the elderly power walkers and
before the gangs of eighth-grade girls.

Hey. Not so fast.

I'm calling you out, cowboy.

This store ain't big
enough for the both of us.

Actually, fire code
allows for 1,200 people.

Come on. Gun up, goldilocks.

But you're a little girl.

Beating you would just be mean.

A little girl?

Yeah, it's a good thing
this rifle is chained down,

or else you'd be limping out of
here carrying a concealed weapon.

I don't understand.

She's gonna put it up your butt, Kyle.

Hurry up and beat her so
we can go, okay? All right.

I guess, as top gun, I'm obliged
to take on all challengers.

Hmm.

You're about to become the
"second-best shot in the we."

(Chuckles) That's too many letters.
It's never gonna fit.

Howdy, partners. Ready,
aim, let 'em have it.

(Bluegrass music plays) (Metal clanging)

(Beeping) (Chitters)

(Growls)

(Smoke hissing)

(Quacking)

Nice shootin', partner.

(Ringing)

(Sighs)

(Beeping)

Oh! I did it! I beat you!

Wait. What? You won? She won?

Yeah, I guess I didn't have it today.

Hey, nice job, Eve.

Yeah, duh! This is going on Instagram.

Later, losers.

Wait a minute.

But nobody's ever beaten you before.

Nope. Just your little sister.

All right, just some little girl...

Who you didn't want to be mean to...

'Cause you're a nice guy, and
you've got great hair...

...which probably isn't a part of this.

Wait a second. You just let her win!

Just... just don't tell her, okay?

Winning's so important to Eve.

I knew nobody could beat my boyfriend.

All right. Let's go.

I want to be the "best shopper in the ma."

Oh, hey, stranger.

Hey. What is going on here?

I'm at my folks for five
days, and you redecorate?

Mm-hmm. What?

- I'm doing the whole apartment.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, I tried to paint a superhero mural
in Boyd's room to surprise him.

But my Batman came out really racist.

Honey, I'm sure it's not so... oh, my God!

Yeah. I'm gonna paint
over that. Don't worry.

Yeah, please do before our
building manager sees that.

Or Boyd's friend Desean.

Hey, so, when can Boyd come home?

He's better.

I am exhausted, but at least he'll
never get chicken pox again,

and we did it without exposing
him to the risk of a vaccine.

Yeah, we were lucky...

Which is great when we're in Vegas.

But, um, I don't think we want to
roll the dice with meningitis.

Okay.

What, so you're suddenly pro-vaccine?

But last week, you agreed
with me in front of my parents.

Yeah, I know. I know.

But when you guys were gone,
I had time to do some reading,

and... oh, first of all, I finally
finished "the goldfinch."

So good.

But (Sighs) I also read up
on childhood inoculations,

and it says there's some risk for babies,
but Boyd can get his shots now so...

But I'm not comfortable with that.

Even after you watched him suffer all week?

I mean, that could have
totally been avoided.

You're blaming me for his suffering?

No. Of course not. I'm
not pointing any fingers.

We're just trying to fix your mistake.

Well... It was not a mistake, okay?

You had skipped town when I
had to make these decisions.

You don't get to second-guess me now.

I'm gonna go pack up some
clothes for Boyd and go.

All right, I'll come with
you. I want to see him.

You know, I think you need
to give it a couple more days.

It might be dangerous for you right now.

But you just said Boyd's not contagious.

It's not Boyd you have to worry about.

Hi, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man
with a message for those of you

who are waging a war against vaccinations.

You're gonna lose that war.

You see, vaccinations actually
won the revolutionary war.

See, at that time, there was
a big outbreak of smallpox,

not to be confused with the "great pox,"
which is what they called, uh, syphilis.

That led to the popular 18th-century pickup
line, "come on, baby, it's only smallpox."

Anyhoo, British soldiers had
a natural immunity to smallpox,

so in an early version
of biological warfare,

they would intentionally spread
the disease to our colonists

by sneezing in public or
borrowing our chapstick.

But we had our own secret weapon...

George Washington.

He would inoculate the troops using
a technique called "variolation."

If you're eating right now, I
suggest you put down that fork,

because variolation is where you poke
one of your buddy's infected blisters

and insert the goo under
your own healthy skin.

This led to the popular 18th-century
expression, "this century is gross."

But it worked.

The smallpox rates
plummeted. We won the war.

So, you see, if it wasn't for vaccinations,

we would have lost the
war, we'd all be British,

football would be soccer,
we'd be eating bangers, mash,

and spotted dick would be a dessert.

(Chuckling) Hey.

Oh. Shh.

Hey. How you doing? Want a snack?

Yeah, thanks. I'm pretty hungry.

It's mine.

You know where we keep the peanut butter.

(Chuckles) Here you go.

Looks like you're feeling better, huh?

I am.

Mommy had a rough night, though.

That's one of the problems
about being a parent.

You made a wise choice
by not having any kids.

So, what are we doing?

Puzzle of America.

Where does New York go?

After 60, it goes to Florida.

Very blue state. Very, very blue.

Excuse me. What happened to Colorado?

Muffin chewed it up.

Well, America just wouldn't
be America without Colorado,

so you know what I can do is, I'll
go down and fire up my little saw,

and I will make you another Colorado.

You need any help?

No, no, you stay right here.

And whatever you do, do not put your
mom's hand in a bowl of warm water.

Hey. Hi. How was school?

Well, I schooled your boyfriend
last week at the shooting gallery.

Wow. Couldn't even say hi first.

Check it out... top of the leader board.

(Chuckles) 150 likes.

And one of them is Kyle.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. 'Cause
he's a really nice guy.

You know what they say about nice guys.

They're losers.

You know who says that? Mean guys like you.

Dad, Mandy just called me mean.

Eve called Kyle a loser.

Ooh. Sounds like you're
both onto something.

But you got to excuse
me. The dog ate Colorado.

So, what were we talking about?

Oh, right.

How badly I kicked Kyle's ass.

Okay. I have had enough. Okay, fyi...

Kyle let you win because
he felt sorry for you.

- (Scoffs) Nice try.
- Oh, right!

'Cause it's so not like Kyle to protect
the feelings of another person.

He pitied you. He gave you pity victory.

I want a rematch. Where is he?

Mm. I don't know.

Probably somewhere losing a
seeing contest to Helen Keller.

Or a hearing contest to Helen Keller.

She was also deaf.

And like you, she was also dumb.

Dad! Eve's being mean to Helen Keller!

Hey, Mike. You want to let me in?

Got a sick kid in here. I can't let you in.

Come back next summer.

Mike, Kris already told me he's
not contagious anymore, so...

Well, if you two hippies
had given him a vaccination,

we wouldn't be having this
conversation now, would we?

Yes, I agree with you.

Ooh.

Please don't make me say it again.

I'm still tasting it from the first time.

Look, I think Boyd needs to get his shots.

Well, where was your spine when we
were trying to talk Kristin into this?

She is going to be my wife, okay?

Uh-oh. Now I got that taste in my mouth.

You and Vanessa were ganging up on her.

I had to have her back.

But now I think we
should try talking to her.

The time to talk to her was
when she was facing a sick kid.

Now we'll just have to wait till Boyd
gets another disease from the '50s.

I don't want to risk that, okay?

Well, as grandparents,
we've said our piece.

Now the kid's health is in
the hands of his two mommies.

(Saw whirring)

Hey. Here, buddy. Grab a seat.

Uh, I called earlier about getting
Boyd Baxter some inoculations.

You said Dr. Fry could squeeze us in.

We do the inoculations in stages.

We'll start with the MMR and DTAP.

Just sign these release forms.

(Sighs)

Wow. That's a lot of possible side effects.

"Paralysis, brain damage, death"?

Death is a side effect?

- Grandpa!
- (Chuckling) Hey.

Hey, Mike.

(Door closes) What are you doing here?

I come here all the time.

This is where I get my copy of highlights.

There it is. Let's see
what Gallant's doing.

We know what goofus is up to.

Can I listen to my music?

Uh, yeah.

Just, um, don't sing
along to the rap, okay?

Some people are afraid of words.

So, this is your plan?
An end run around Kristin?

Well, you said it's up to his
parents, Mike, and I'm his parent.

Well, this is a pretty big swing.

Didn't think you had the
beanbags for anything like this.

But the truth is, this is not gonna
be good for your relationship.

Well, I'm sure that'll make you happy.

Ordinarily, I'd say yes.

But the other day, when, uh, my wife
and I were ganging up on our daughter,

your first reaction, even
from outside the house,

was to protect her, to have her back.

I liked that.

Thank you.

But don't you feel like right now,
you're stabbing her in the back?

(Sighs)

Mike, you agree with me that
he needs to get his shots.

Yeah, I agree, but I'm not marrying you.

Ohh. There's that taste again.

I'm right about this.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

It's about the only feeling I've ever had.

But in a relationship, you got
to work things out together.

You got to be able to say stuff
like, "let's find a compromise

between the right thing to
do and your way, Vanessa."

Dr. Fry is ready.

(Sighs)

Yeah, but go ahead with your big plan.

Maybe the next guy she goes out
with will be someone I like,

like a Navy SEAL that
makes his own beef jerky.

Sir. Sir, you can't take the highlights.

Oh, yeah.

What are you looking at?

Hey. You. Me. Rematch. Now.

I'm with a customer.

The men's room is to the left.

Okay. I'm free.

I demand a rematch.

Yeah, and this time, don't let her win.

(Sighs) I didn't let her win.

Kyle, she knows.

Yeah, come on. Chop-chop. Let's go.

I don't want your pity, okay?

I'm not a charity case, and I don't
need your government cheese.

It wasn't charity, okay? You beat me.

- She really did.
- No, she didn't.

She really beat you?

Ha! So I am the winner!

How do you like that free cheese?

I love cheese.

And I did not know you
could get it for free.

That would have come in handy
when I was living in the store.

Why did you lie to me?

I guess I liked that you were proud of me,

and I didn't want you
thinking of me as a loser.

I've never thought of you as a loser.

How about when he was living in the store?

I-I got caught up in not
wanting you to think less of me.

Kyle... I couldn't
possibly think less of you.

You think that I love you because
you're good at some game?

I'm not shallow like that.

I love you because you're hot.

And because you're so good to me.

Honestly, I don't care if
you win or you lose, okay?

So long as Eve loses.

Just please make that happen.

Okay, hombre, we gonna do this or not?

Let's dance.

That's a good idea.

Dancing's an excellent
warm-up before shooting.

Now you think less of him?

Are you kidding me?

This guy is the "best dancer in the we."

(Chuckles)

I just woke up to an e-mail from Dr. Fry
about aftercare for vaccinations.

Where the hell is my son?

Honey, I just walked in. I...

So you had nothing to do with this?

I mean, obviously, somebody took Boyd
to get his shots against my will.

Well, honey, it wasn't me.

And... and your dad is in the garage
making something out of wood.

Oh, God. I hope it's
not my Christmas present.

Mommy!

Hey, there you are! Hey.

Where have you been?

We went to the doctor, then had ice cream.

Hmm. Yeah, I can tell what flavor.

Why don't we go wash your face?

Honey, how come you have
ice cream in your hair?

That's from yesterday.

I cannot believe that you went
and did this behind my back.

It is not what you think, Kris.

What? Don't lie to me, okay?

I got an e-mail from Dr. Fry.

Okay, yes, I went to take Boyd to get his
shots, but then I realized it was wrong

to try to do an end
run like that on you...

Which, I guess, is a football term.

Your dad told me about it.

So my dad put you up to this?

He actually talked me out of it.

What?

Look, I was already having second thoughts
after reading all those side effects and...

I can't imagine what that must have been like
for you to make that decision on your own.

It was terrifying.

I was 17 years old and suddenly in
charge of this tiny human being.

I know.

But you are no longer alone, okay?

A-and from here on out, we get
to screw this kid up together.

First one's a practice one, anyway, right?

Oh, God, I hope so. (Chuckles)

Wait, no, I-if Boyd didn't get his shots,

then why did I get an
e-mail from the doctor?

Uh... Bam!

With chicken pox going around,
I figured it was probably time.

- Oh.
- Did it hurt?

Oh, my God. So much.

Yeah?

Ow!

(Giggles)

- But Dr. Fry said I was very brave.
- Oh, yeah?

He even gave me a lollipop.
Boyd was jealous, so...

You know, you could have given that to him.

Hey, who got the shot?

- Hey, dad.
- Hey.

Got a minute?

Yep. I'm just, uh, fixing Colorado.

Wasn't the original piece blue?

Like I said, I'm fixing Colorado.

We're about to take Boyd home.

I just wanted to thank you
for letting us stay here.

This is your home. What
am I supposed to say?

"Why don't you stay at that
Ramada Inn near your house

that's clean and reasonably priced"?

(Chuckles)

And thank you for the advice you gave Ryan.

It mattered to you that he
not screw up our relationship.

That guy's got a big mouth, Kris.

It means a lot to me.

Kris, I just want you happy, okay?

Thanks.

But if you happen to meet
a Navy SEAL that can

make his own beef jerky,
keep an open mind.

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