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"Last man standing" is recorded
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in front of a live studio audience.
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(Alarm beeps)
4
00:00:06,062 --> 00:00:07,679
What did I do?
5
00:00:07,713 --> 00:00:09,831
Oh, that's the new security
system Chuck Larabee installed.
6
00:00:09,849 --> 00:00:12,217
Just punch 6-2-2-6-2.
7
00:00:12,268 --> 00:00:14,219
It's easy to remember, it spells "Obama."
8
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That's real funny, honey.
9
00:00:15,888 --> 00:00:18,089
Having Obama protect us from burglars,
10
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can't even keep Putin out of Crimea.
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00:00:21,944 --> 00:00:24,512
Someone's got a new Benghazi.
12
00:00:24,530 --> 00:00:26,948
Benghazi's not over yet. Yeah.
13
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:28,650
Sweetie, how was your sleepover?
14
00:00:28,684 --> 00:00:30,235
Awesome. Grandpa's right.
15
00:00:30,286 --> 00:00:31,853
The house gets so peaceful
16
00:00:31,871 --> 00:00:33,688
once all the hens go to sleep.
17
00:00:34,690 --> 00:00:37,025
What time did he go to bed?
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00:00:37,043 --> 00:00:39,694
Earlier than usual. They
moved Kimmel to 11:30.
19
00:00:39,712 --> 00:00:43,031
We watched TV and organized our meat.
20
00:00:43,049 --> 00:00:46,251
Wow, he watches TV the same way you do.
21
00:00:46,302 --> 00:00:48,803
I'm preparing our first barbecue.
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00:00:48,838 --> 00:00:50,872
Burgers, chicken, lamb, and brisket.
23
00:00:50,890 --> 00:00:52,674
Mmm. Sounds like the delicious remains
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00:00:52,708 --> 00:00:55,176
of a drone strike on Noah's ark.
25
00:00:55,210 --> 00:00:57,345
Uh, what about tofu, hmm?
26
00:00:57,379 --> 00:00:58,813
I'm sure Mrs. Noah wanted it,
27
00:00:58,848 --> 00:01:00,849
but God said, "not on this cruise."
28
00:01:01,884 --> 00:01:03,735
Then what is Aunt April gonna eat?
29
00:01:03,769 --> 00:01:06,220
Aunt April? Is that this weekend?
30
00:01:06,239 --> 00:01:07,889
Yep. It's on the calendar.
31
00:01:07,907 --> 00:01:10,242
I scratched it out and
put "First Barbecue."
32
00:01:10,276 --> 00:01:11,660
Well, that doesn't make it go away.
33
00:01:12,561 --> 00:01:14,062
I've been talking to her for a week.
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She is really excited
about this visit. Yeah.
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Does she have to come in the house?
36
00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:19,084
We could just leave a bag of cash
37
00:01:19,118 --> 00:01:20,071
out on the front porch.
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Oh, honey.
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You know, maybe she's not coming for money.
40
00:01:22,204 --> 00:01:23,455
Maybe she misses me.
41
00:01:23,489 --> 00:01:25,523
If I offered her 400 bucks to visit
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or $410 not to visit,
you know what she'd take.
43
00:01:29,345 --> 00:01:31,796
Uh, I'll leave right now for $200.
44
00:01:31,847 --> 00:01:33,131
I thought we were going anyway?
45
00:01:33,182 --> 00:01:35,800
Shh. Boyd, Mommy's working.
46
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Nobody's getting money for
leaving this house until I do,
47
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and then I'm taking half.
48
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Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen
www.addic7ed.com
49
00:01:49,899 --> 00:01:52,067
As I live and breathe. Chuck Larabee. Hey.
50
00:01:52,101 --> 00:01:54,435
Wow. What are you doing around here?
51
00:01:54,453 --> 00:01:55,603
Looking for sleeping bags?
52
00:01:55,621 --> 00:01:57,305
I didn't know you folks were into camping.
53
00:01:58,374 --> 00:02:01,543
Oh, "we folks" love to
spend time in the woods.
54
00:02:01,577 --> 00:02:04,796
Plotting, planning. You'll see.
55
00:02:04,830 --> 00:02:07,382
I meant you marines.
56
00:02:07,416 --> 00:02:08,950
You know, I didn't think
you were into camping
57
00:02:08,968 --> 00:02:10,352
after spending all that time in Gulf one.
58
00:02:10,386 --> 00:02:12,504
Oh, I'm sure that's what you meant.
59
00:02:12,555 --> 00:02:15,456
You turn everything into a race thing. Oh.
60
00:02:15,474 --> 00:02:18,093
Makes it almost impossible
to insult you personally.
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00:02:18,127 --> 00:02:20,395
(Scoffs) Never stops you from trying.
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Hey. You might get more
people of color in this store
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if you hired a few.
64
00:02:24,567 --> 00:02:26,300
You know, your employees look like
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00:02:26,319 --> 00:02:28,520
the cast of that "Hillbilly
Handfishin'" show.
66
00:02:28,571 --> 00:02:31,656
You know, we sell rods and reels here
67
00:02:31,691 --> 00:02:34,909
and don't really like
doing that handfishing idea.
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00:02:34,944 --> 00:02:37,662
I mean, what's next? Deer strangling?
69
00:02:37,697 --> 00:02:40,165
If there's a stupid way to hunt animals,
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00:02:40,199 --> 00:02:42,667
I'm sure you folks will get right on it.
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00:02:42,702 --> 00:02:44,452
What can I help you with?
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I'm just looking at flashlights.
73
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Oh, we've got a great
display down at camping.
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00:02:49,425 --> 00:02:50,525
Take the hallway down,
75
00:02:50,559 --> 00:02:51,593
then you'll see a big,
stuffed grizzly bear.
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00:02:51,627 --> 00:02:52,761
If you see a real grizzly bear,
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you have gone too far.
78
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Huh.
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00:02:56,382 --> 00:02:57,832
That's your friend Chuck?
80
00:02:57,850 --> 00:03:00,719
He's not my friend. Why do
people keep making that mistake?
81
00:03:00,770 --> 00:03:03,004
Well, 'cause you guys go
back and forth like we do,
82
00:03:03,022 --> 00:03:04,005
and we're friends.
83
00:03:04,023 --> 00:03:04,973
Shut up, Kyle.
84
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See? Zing-zang!
85
00:03:08,177 --> 00:03:09,144
I'm glad to see Chuck.
86
00:03:09,178 --> 00:03:10,695
I've always wanted to reach more
87
00:03:10,730 --> 00:03:12,230
of the African-American market.
88
00:03:12,281 --> 00:03:14,733
Well, let's not start with Chuck.
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00:03:14,784 --> 00:03:16,735
If he has a great experience,
maybe he'll tell his friends.
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00:03:16,786 --> 00:03:19,204
Kyle, I want you to treat Mr. Larabee
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00:03:19,238 --> 00:03:20,872
like he owns the store.
92
00:03:20,906 --> 00:03:23,375
You mean give him the friendly
ribbing like I do with you guys?
93
00:03:23,409 --> 00:03:25,359
Shut up, Kyle.
94
00:03:25,378 --> 00:03:27,662
How do I keep walking into
that? That's a good idea, Ed.
95
00:03:27,696 --> 00:03:30,298
Yeah, I want you to
follow Mr. Larabee around
96
00:03:30,332 --> 00:03:33,034
and treat him like he's
different than everybody else.
97
00:03:33,052 --> 00:03:34,169
Mike: Give him a lot of attention. Okay.
98
00:03:34,203 --> 00:03:35,837
(Chuckles) Oh, wait a minute.
99
00:03:35,871 --> 00:03:37,639
If we give him too much attention,
100
00:03:37,673 --> 00:03:39,290
he might take it the wrong way.
101
00:03:39,325 --> 00:03:41,309
Well, if he doesn't, it won't be funny.
102
00:04:21,083 --> 00:04:23,051
Excuse me. Can I help you?
103
00:04:23,085 --> 00:04:24,969
No, I'm good.
104
00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:26,471
You finding everything you need?
105
00:04:26,522 --> 00:04:27,772
I'm fine.
106
00:04:27,807 --> 00:04:29,924
Just so you know, I know
everything in the store,
107
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where it is, and how many of them we have.
108
00:04:33,612 --> 00:04:34,729
Good to know.
109
00:04:34,763 --> 00:04:36,731
Can I help you find anything specific?
110
00:04:36,765 --> 00:04:38,233
Like I said, I'm fine.
111
00:04:38,267 --> 00:04:39,617
Because I wouldn't want you to spend
112
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any more time here than
you absolutely have to.
113
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Right.
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00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:46,324
Do you mind my asking
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00:04:46,375 --> 00:04:48,442
why I'm getting all this special attention?
116
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Not at all, sir.
117
00:04:51,297 --> 00:04:53,948
Why am I getting all
this special attention?
118
00:04:53,966 --> 00:04:55,383
Oh, the top brass said
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00:04:55,417 --> 00:04:57,669
for me to stay right on top of you.
120
00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:59,254
It's 'cause you're black.
121
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,928
You know, Mandy Baxter fashions
122
00:05:06,962 --> 00:05:08,930
is not just about Mandy Baxter.
123
00:05:08,964 --> 00:05:12,767
It's about helping plain
girls look like Mandy Baxter.
124
00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:15,770
Honey, plain girls don't
really like being called plain.
125
00:05:15,804 --> 00:05:16,905
I'm sorry, Mom.
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00:05:16,939 --> 00:05:18,907
I keep forgetting how sensitive you are.
127
00:05:21,243 --> 00:05:24,362
Well, Aunt April's here,
and off to a great start.
128
00:05:24,413 --> 00:05:27,031
Parked right in Dad's
spot. He's gonna be...
129
00:05:27,082 --> 00:05:29,167
Hi! (Squeals) (Squeals)
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Oh!
131
00:05:30,419 --> 00:05:31,920
Look at the three of you!
132
00:05:31,954 --> 00:05:34,506
You're like the more
beautiful Charlie's Angels.
133
00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:36,157
Oooh. Well, I call Farrah.
134
00:05:36,175 --> 00:05:39,327
No, Jaclyn Smith. No, Cameron Diaz.
135
00:05:39,345 --> 00:05:40,678
Which Angel am I?
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00:05:40,713 --> 00:05:41,713
Charlie.
137
00:05:43,549 --> 00:05:45,517
I like it. Smart one surrounded by bimbos.
138
00:05:45,551 --> 00:05:46,634
Sounds about right.
139
00:05:46,668 --> 00:05:47,769
Oh. Mm.
140
00:05:47,803 --> 00:05:49,220
Come on in. Sit.
141
00:05:49,271 --> 00:05:51,005
Let's catch up. How's your life?
142
00:05:51,023 --> 00:05:52,557
You know, pretty great.
143
00:05:52,608 --> 00:05:54,508
Brad and I are back together.
144
00:05:54,527 --> 00:05:56,227
Mm. For now.
145
00:05:56,278 --> 00:05:58,012
I haven't checked my e-mail.
146
00:05:58,030 --> 00:05:59,998
And, uh, what happened
147
00:06:00,032 --> 00:06:01,866
with that clothing store you opened?
148
00:06:01,901 --> 00:06:03,985
Oh, yeah. The big and tall shop for women.
149
00:06:04,019 --> 00:06:06,187
Oh, Manly Gal.
150
00:06:07,573 --> 00:06:10,742
We went out of business. I lost a bundle.
151
00:06:10,793 --> 00:06:13,828
But I met a ton of sweet transvestites.
152
00:06:15,197 --> 00:06:16,297
Hey.
153
00:06:16,332 --> 00:06:17,999
Mike! Hi!
154
00:06:18,033 --> 00:06:20,034
Oh! (Grunts)
155
00:06:20,052 --> 00:06:24,589
Ohh! I can't feel my lower extremities.
156
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,092
How is everyone's favorite Outdoor Man?
157
00:06:28,143 --> 00:06:29,811
Well, wishing he was outdoors.
158
00:06:31,247 --> 00:06:32,564
So, uh, how are you?
159
00:06:32,598 --> 00:06:35,049
Oh, it just feels great
to get out of Boulder.
160
00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:36,717
Yeah, welcome back to America.
161
00:06:36,735 --> 00:06:38,987
Dad, April was just catching
us up on her awesome life.
162
00:06:39,021 --> 00:06:41,239
It's like a Kate Hudson rom-com.
163
00:06:41,273 --> 00:06:43,942
Ohh, I should take this call in the den.
164
00:06:43,993 --> 00:06:45,410
Hey, your phone didn't ring.
165
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Just let me go.
166
00:06:50,232 --> 00:06:51,950
Well, April, good to see you here.
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00:06:52,001 --> 00:06:54,068
If I don't see you again, have a nice trip.
168
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:58,072
You're funny. You'll see me again.
169
00:06:58,107 --> 00:07:00,908
Oh, I don't know. I-I'm
pretty good at this.
170
00:07:00,926 --> 00:07:03,261
Come on. I got some wine in the kitchen.
171
00:07:03,295 --> 00:07:05,930
Oh, um, I might have done some
cooking with that last night.
172
00:07:05,965 --> 00:07:07,632
(Knock on door)
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00:07:10,636 --> 00:07:12,387
Hey, Larabee. Come on in.
174
00:07:12,421 --> 00:07:14,472
Very funny, Baxter.
175
00:07:14,523 --> 00:07:17,275
Having a salesman follow
me through the store.
176
00:07:17,309 --> 00:07:20,311
Profiling humor
...not cool.
177
00:07:22,064 --> 00:07:23,764
Yeah, so, I don't get it.
178
00:07:23,782 --> 00:07:26,367
If a taxi won't pick you
up, you're pissed. Mm.
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00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:29,203
If you get too much attention
in my store, you're pissed.
180
00:07:29,238 --> 00:07:31,739
You know what? I think
you just like being pissed.
181
00:07:31,773 --> 00:07:34,826
If you lived in my skin, you'd understand.
182
00:07:34,877 --> 00:07:37,412
If I lived in your skin,
it'd be kind of baggy on me.
183
00:07:39,715 --> 00:07:43,368
I know at least one part
of me you'd be swimming in.
184
00:07:45,787 --> 00:07:48,339
So, what's up next for
my gorgeous kid sister?
185
00:07:48,390 --> 00:07:50,508
I've kind of hit a point in my life
186
00:07:50,559 --> 00:07:52,626
where I want to get more grounded.
187
00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:54,762
You know, commit to something real.
188
00:07:54,796 --> 00:07:56,814
Ah. April, I'm glad to
hear it. Good for you.
189
00:07:56,849 --> 00:07:58,766
So I'm gonna have a baby.
190
00:08:01,570 --> 00:08:02,937
What?!
191
00:08:02,971 --> 00:08:05,139
A baby?
192
00:08:05,174 --> 00:08:07,241
Like, on purpose?
193
00:08:08,477 --> 00:08:09,444
You're pregnant?
194
00:08:09,478 --> 00:08:10,478
Oh, heck no.
195
00:08:10,496 --> 00:08:13,031
Apparently that window is closed.
196
00:08:13,082 --> 00:08:15,533
Slammed shut right on my uterus.
197
00:08:16,502 --> 00:08:18,086
But that doesn't make any sense.
198
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:19,704
You're so beautiful.
199
00:08:19,755 --> 00:08:22,507
Mandy, not a factor.
200
00:08:22,541 --> 00:08:24,759
I'm not gonna let that stop me.
201
00:08:24,793 --> 00:08:27,828
See, I can buy a donor
egg for like 6 grand,
202
00:08:27,846 --> 00:08:32,166
which I don't totally have, so...
203
00:08:32,184 --> 00:08:35,169
Y-you know, I think there
might be a bag of cash
204
00:08:35,187 --> 00:08:36,971
for you on the front porch.
205
00:08:41,728 --> 00:08:43,496
April having a baby
206
00:08:43,530 --> 00:08:45,381
is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
207
00:08:45,415 --> 00:08:47,366
Shh! She's in Kristin's room.
208
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:48,417
Oh, I forgot.
209
00:08:48,452 --> 00:08:52,038
Stupidest idea I've ever heard!
210
00:08:52,072 --> 00:08:53,372
You know, when we started a family,
211
00:08:53,406 --> 00:08:54,573
we didn't have all the answers.
212
00:08:54,591 --> 00:08:55,741
When we started a family,
213
00:08:55,759 --> 00:08:57,710
it didn't involve a
syringe and a petri dish.
214
00:08:57,744 --> 00:08:59,762
You know, we had some of the answers.
215
00:08:59,796 --> 00:09:02,348
No, I had the answers and
you just copied off of me.
216
00:09:02,382 --> 00:09:03,599
April is 40.
217
00:09:03,633 --> 00:09:05,468
Honey, this could be her last shot.
218
00:09:05,519 --> 00:09:06,552
That's right.
219
00:09:06,586 --> 00:09:08,587
Society almost made a clean getaway.
220
00:09:08,622 --> 00:09:10,556
Listen, if she had that kid,
221
00:09:10,590 --> 00:09:12,558
we'd have to take care of it,
222
00:09:12,592 --> 00:09:14,894
unless Brad and Angelina wanted it.
223
00:09:14,928 --> 00:09:17,763
Yeah. No, I know. You might be right.
224
00:09:17,781 --> 00:09:19,398
Oh, I'm right. Gosh.
225
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,700
I guess not everybody's
cut out to be mommies.
226
00:09:21,735 --> 00:09:23,435
I just want to give my kid sister
227
00:09:23,453 --> 00:09:25,404
the benefit of the doubt.
228
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:27,773
That's what we could call our
annual fundraiser for her...
229
00:09:27,791 --> 00:09:29,108
"The Benefit of the Doubt."
230
00:09:33,497 --> 00:09:35,498
I feel so lucky having Kyle.
231
00:09:35,549 --> 00:09:37,883
Oh, Kyle's the one who's lucky.
232
00:09:37,918 --> 00:09:41,420
In every young man's life,
there is a Mandy Baxter.
233
00:09:41,454 --> 00:09:43,255
It's usually Mandy Baxter.
234
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,961
You know what? I feel
really lucky to have Brad.
235
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:51,013
I'm just hoping that having this baby
236
00:09:51,064 --> 00:09:52,681
will get him to settle down.
237
00:09:52,732 --> 00:09:53,849
Yeah, yeah.
238
00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:55,618
If there's one siren
call a man can't resist,
239
00:09:55,652 --> 00:09:57,403
it's a crying baby.
240
00:09:58,738 --> 00:10:00,305
You know, when I got pregnant,
241
00:10:00,323 --> 00:10:03,025
Ryan disappeared for three years.
242
00:10:03,076 --> 00:10:04,660
Well, Ryan was young.
243
00:10:04,694 --> 00:10:07,279
Brad's more stable. He's in a band.
244
00:10:07,313 --> 00:10:10,783
Oh, yeah. Rock on.
245
00:10:12,252 --> 00:10:14,870
Brad would be crazy to leave you.
246
00:10:14,921 --> 00:10:18,174
You are so beautiful,
and you're so talented.
247
00:10:18,208 --> 00:10:20,159
Mandy, honey, can you give us a sec?
248
00:10:20,177 --> 00:10:21,160
Oh, yeah, sure.
249
00:10:21,178 --> 00:10:22,962
Oh, Mandy and I have no secrets.
250
00:10:22,996 --> 00:10:25,247
Ah, well, considering your year as a carny,
251
00:10:25,282 --> 00:10:26,298
that's disturbing.
252
00:10:27,601 --> 00:10:30,186
April, um...
253
00:10:30,220 --> 00:10:33,606
Look, Mike and I have always
been willing to help you,
254
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,976
but this... this
donor-egg project...
255
00:10:37,010 --> 00:10:39,829
We just don't feel
comfortable underwriting it.
256
00:10:39,863 --> 00:10:41,514
I'm sorry, honey.
257
00:10:41,548 --> 00:10:43,699
If we don't help her, how is
she gonna start a family, Mom?
258
00:10:43,733 --> 00:10:46,152
Yeah, I don't have anywhere else to turn.
259
00:10:46,186 --> 00:10:48,520
Yes, you do.
260
00:10:50,257 --> 00:10:53,726
I mean, I have eggs, right?
261
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,060
I've got lots of them.
262
00:10:55,095 --> 00:10:57,496
Uh [Chuckles] slow down, Mandy.
263
00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,949
It's not loaning her a sweater.
264
00:11:03,086 --> 00:11:04,737
Are you sure?
265
00:11:04,771 --> 00:11:07,173
Um... Yes?
266
00:11:07,207 --> 00:11:09,258
(Both giggle)
267
00:11:09,309 --> 00:11:12,211
Now I know that my baby will
be brilliant and beautiful,
268
00:11:12,229 --> 00:11:15,481
and your little, baby ears are
gonna set off Brad's giant ones.
269
00:11:16,233 --> 00:11:18,350
Wait, wait, w-w-wait.
Th-th-this is a big decision.
270
00:11:18,384 --> 00:11:19,602
If it's a boy, Trevor.
271
00:11:19,653 --> 00:11:20,552
Tyler. Terrence.
272
00:11:20,570 --> 00:11:21,487
Deal. (Gasps) Deal.
273
00:11:21,521 --> 00:11:23,055
I have always loved that name.
274
00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:25,274
I'm pretty sure it was
on Beyonce's short list.
275
00:11:26,326 --> 00:11:28,410
I have to go call Kyle about this.
276
00:11:30,947 --> 00:11:32,698
You're not seriously considering
277
00:11:32,732 --> 00:11:34,366
taking Mandy up on this offer.
278
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,335
You saw how happy she was.
279
00:11:36,369 --> 00:11:38,621
I can't take that away from her.
280
00:11:38,655 --> 00:11:39,905
Yeah.
281
00:11:39,923 --> 00:11:41,573
You know, she's happy
282
00:11:41,591 --> 00:11:43,792
because, crazy as it
seems, she looks up to you.
283
00:11:43,843 --> 00:11:46,411
Oh, and why is that crazy?
284
00:11:46,429 --> 00:11:48,764
(Sighs) Because, April [Sighs]
285
00:11:48,798 --> 00:11:51,567
I mean, you're immature
and... and manipulative,
286
00:11:51,601 --> 00:11:54,470
and... Those are not good
qualities for Mandy to admire,
287
00:11:54,521 --> 00:11:56,755
and they're not good qualities for a mom.
288
00:11:56,773 --> 00:11:58,023
Oh, right.
289
00:11:58,058 --> 00:11:59,808
I can't be a great mom
290
00:11:59,859 --> 00:12:02,111
'cause I'm not a boring
grown-up with a house
291
00:12:02,145 --> 00:12:05,264
or a husband or a job.
292
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:09,068
Are... are you even
hearing yourself?
293
00:12:09,102 --> 00:12:12,871
Vanessa, I don't want all
of the things you have.
294
00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:15,207
I just want one of them.
295
00:12:15,242 --> 00:12:16,659
A child.
296
00:12:16,710 --> 00:12:19,111
Okay. You know, April, I held your hand
297
00:12:19,129 --> 00:12:21,213
when we walked to the school bus,
298
00:12:21,248 --> 00:12:23,332
and I will never stop holding it,
299
00:12:23,383 --> 00:12:24,917
but Mandy is my child.
300
00:12:24,951 --> 00:12:27,386
And I'm... I'm not gonna
let you exploit her.
301
00:12:28,788 --> 00:12:29,755
Wow.
302
00:12:31,124 --> 00:12:33,425
Well, at least Mandy has faith
303
00:12:33,459 --> 00:12:36,595
that I am responsible
enough to handle this.
304
00:12:36,629 --> 00:12:37,980
Now, if you'll excuse me,
305
00:12:38,014 --> 00:12:40,649
I need to get back to
Boulder before nightfall,
306
00:12:40,684 --> 00:12:42,968
because I am driving on the little tire.
307
00:12:51,953 --> 00:12:53,520
(Gun cocks)
308
00:12:53,538 --> 00:12:55,705
Hey. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
309
00:12:55,740 --> 00:12:58,408
All this month, it's spring turkey season
310
00:12:58,459 --> 00:13:00,126
here in colorful Colorado.
311
00:13:00,161 --> 00:13:01,545
Gobble! Gobble!
312
00:13:01,579 --> 00:13:03,713
Sitting out here in this pop-up blind
313
00:13:03,748 --> 00:13:06,967
gives a hunter plenty of time
to think about the big issues.
314
00:13:07,001 --> 00:13:08,552
Like background checks.
315
00:13:08,586 --> 00:13:10,053
Oh, easy, Mike.
316
00:13:10,087 --> 00:13:12,705
Everybody's protected
by the second amendment.
317
00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:15,308
No, no, no. I meant background
checks before having a kid.
318
00:13:15,343 --> 00:13:16,977
Now, you don't want the government
319
00:13:17,011 --> 00:13:19,379
sticking its big, fat nose
into something like that,
320
00:13:19,397 --> 00:13:21,565
but somebody should do something
321
00:13:21,599 --> 00:13:23,683
about stupid people having kids.
322
00:13:23,717 --> 00:13:26,803
Hillary Clinton... gosh, my
favorite woman on the planet...
323
00:13:26,838 --> 00:13:30,307
likes to say, "It takes a
village to raise a child."
324
00:13:30,341 --> 00:13:31,691
You know, it really shouldn't.
325
00:13:31,725 --> 00:13:35,412
Satisfying her husband, that
apparently takes a village.
326
00:13:35,446 --> 00:13:38,114
And not a particularly attractive one.
327
00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:40,367
So, before you decide to have a kid,
328
00:13:40,401 --> 00:13:42,002
give yourself a little background check.
329
00:13:42,036 --> 00:13:44,738
Ask yourself, "Am I shiftless?
330
00:13:44,772 --> 00:13:48,241
Am I a skanky dingbat who
can't hold down a job?"
331
00:13:48,276 --> 00:13:49,576
If your answer's yes,
332
00:13:49,610 --> 00:13:52,095
do yourself, the kid, and society a favor
333
00:13:52,129 --> 00:13:53,880
and go hunting instead.
334
00:13:53,914 --> 00:13:56,850
Rather than adding another
turkey to this world,
335
00:13:56,884 --> 00:13:57,917
try taking one out.
336
00:13:57,935 --> 00:13:58,918
(Turkey gobbles)
337
00:14:00,771 --> 00:14:03,256
(Gunshot)
338
00:14:03,274 --> 00:14:04,774
Bye-bye, birdie.
339
00:14:04,809 --> 00:14:08,595
Great. Now I'm craving
turkey and Ann-Margret.
340
00:14:13,818 --> 00:14:15,735
Hey. (Sighs)
341
00:14:15,770 --> 00:14:16,820
Hey.
342
00:14:16,871 --> 00:14:18,455
Where's your sister?
343
00:14:18,489 --> 00:14:19,906
She went back to Boulder.
344
00:14:19,941 --> 00:14:21,207
All right, I win!
345
00:14:23,277 --> 00:14:25,078
No offense, but it's worth having her here
346
00:14:25,112 --> 00:14:26,546
because you get the sweet relief
347
00:14:26,581 --> 00:14:28,632
when she finally gets out of here.
348
00:14:28,666 --> 00:14:32,018
Everything tastes better.
349
00:14:32,053 --> 00:14:35,221
Mandy offered to give
April one of her eggs.
350
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:37,424
Ahh.
351
00:14:39,894 --> 00:14:42,012
How's that beer tasting now?
352
00:14:42,063 --> 00:14:44,598
Like the first of many.
353
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,851
Did you talk to her?
354
00:14:47,902 --> 00:14:49,636
Well, I was waiting for you to come home
355
00:14:49,654 --> 00:14:51,304
so we can come up with a... Mandy!
356
00:14:51,322 --> 00:14:53,940
...unified strategy.
357
00:14:53,974 --> 00:14:55,191
What?
358
00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:56,242
This is nuts.
359
00:14:56,277 --> 00:14:57,611
Unless you're a socialist farmer,
360
00:14:57,645 --> 00:14:59,696
you don't give away your eggs.
361
00:15:00,698 --> 00:15:02,148
Honey, you offering to give April
362
00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:03,867
a chance at motherhood was very generous,
363
00:15:03,918 --> 00:15:05,535
but... no, you
know what's generous
364
00:15:05,586 --> 00:15:06,986
is giving back the Panama canal. Okay.
365
00:15:07,004 --> 00:15:09,372
This... this is just stupid.
366
00:15:09,423 --> 00:15:12,492
This is like something
Jimmy Carter would do.
367
00:15:12,510 --> 00:15:14,377
Great. Yes. Here we go again.
368
00:15:14,428 --> 00:15:17,597
"Mandy is so stupid. She's
just like Jimmy Carter."
369
00:15:19,033 --> 00:15:20,600
Don't I get any credit for the grades
370
00:15:20,635 --> 00:15:22,218
I've been getting in school?
371
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:24,471
Or starting a profitable business?
372
00:15:24,505 --> 00:15:27,023
Or moving the mailbox to the
other side of the driveway
373
00:15:27,058 --> 00:15:29,643
so I wouldn't keep backing over it?
374
00:15:29,677 --> 00:15:31,344
Honey, you have grown a lot this year,
375
00:15:31,362 --> 00:15:32,812
and you deserve a lot of credit,
376
00:15:32,846 --> 00:15:34,364
but not enough to let you do this.
377
00:15:34,398 --> 00:15:36,149
No way. Well, I'm sorry, all right?
378
00:15:36,183 --> 00:15:38,351
What do you mean you're
s... you guys can't stop me.
379
00:15:38,369 --> 00:15:40,954
It's my body, my choice, okay?
380
00:15:42,156 --> 00:15:45,858
College has been good to you.
381
00:15:45,876 --> 00:15:47,377
She can read a bumper sticker.
382
00:15:47,411 --> 00:15:49,045
Oh, stop.
383
00:15:53,668 --> 00:15:55,868
So, you had the same exact
argument with your mom
384
00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:56,886
that I did.
385
00:15:56,921 --> 00:15:58,871
I got the mom-dad tag team.
386
00:15:58,889 --> 00:15:59,872
They were like, "blah, blah, blah."
387
00:15:59,890 --> 00:16:01,424
And I was like "blah."
388
00:16:01,475 --> 00:16:02,926
I made you a sandwich
389
00:16:02,977 --> 00:16:05,011
'cause I know your egg
is eating for two now.
390
00:16:06,564 --> 00:16:07,530
It's egg salad.
391
00:16:07,565 --> 00:16:09,048
I hope that's not insensitive.
392
00:16:09,066 --> 00:16:10,483
No, it's okay.
393
00:16:10,518 --> 00:16:11,884
Um, hey, April,
394
00:16:11,902 --> 00:16:13,737
I've been doing a lot of research.
395
00:16:13,771 --> 00:16:16,072
This whole process is,
like, pretty involved.
396
00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:19,359
Oh, I'm stressed out even
thinking about it. Yeah.
397
00:16:19,393 --> 00:16:21,778
If I started the fertility shots in May,
398
00:16:21,829 --> 00:16:23,863
then they could do the extraction
399
00:16:23,897 --> 00:16:25,999
and then Brad could add his, um...
400
00:16:26,033 --> 00:16:27,900
Uh... pbht!... ingredient,
401
00:16:27,918 --> 00:16:30,670
and then we're, like,
402
00:16:30,705 --> 00:16:32,622
pretty much good to go end of June.
403
00:16:32,673 --> 00:16:34,240
Aah! Nope.
404
00:16:35,676 --> 00:16:37,627
End of June doesn't work for me.
405
00:16:37,678 --> 00:16:39,429
No, I can't be pregnant
406
00:16:39,463 --> 00:16:42,182
if Arcade Fire comes to Red Rocks.
407
00:16:43,684 --> 00:16:45,535
If win Butler calls me up on stage,
408
00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:46,853
I don't want to be puffy.
409
00:16:48,689 --> 00:16:49,656
Oh, yeah, sure.
410
00:16:49,690 --> 00:16:51,124
Well, when would work for you?
411
00:16:51,158 --> 00:16:53,259
Uh... Maybe August?
412
00:16:53,277 --> 00:16:55,445
Oh, you know, we're thinking
about going to Greece.
413
00:16:55,479 --> 00:16:57,764
Oh, you're going to Greece?
414
00:16:57,798 --> 00:17:01,434
"Grease." I love that musical.
415
00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:03,102
I played Kenickie in high school.
416
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,171
I was not good.
417
00:17:05,206 --> 00:17:07,273
But if you're having
a kid, don't you think,
418
00:17:07,291 --> 00:17:09,259
you know, you should kind of be saving...?
419
00:17:09,293 --> 00:17:11,661
Ohh, you're right. You're right.
420
00:17:11,712 --> 00:17:15,465
I mean, this whole thing is
just becoming a whole thing.
421
00:17:15,499 --> 00:17:16,750
Um...
422
00:17:16,784 --> 00:17:18,501
You know, how about we do September?
423
00:17:18,552 --> 00:17:20,587
Nah, you're gonna be
back in school by then.
424
00:17:20,621 --> 00:17:23,006
Right. And plus, I'll be
starting my new fall line.
425
00:17:23,057 --> 00:17:26,142
Aww, listen to you. So industrious.
426
00:17:26,177 --> 00:17:28,678
Must make rompers. Must make rompers.
427
00:17:28,729 --> 00:17:31,431
You know what? We'll figure it out.
428
00:17:31,465 --> 00:17:32,565
We have time.
429
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,901
It's not like my ovaries
can get any deader.
430
00:17:35,936 --> 00:17:37,420
Okay, well, we'll talk soon.
431
00:17:37,455 --> 00:17:39,138
Aww, ciao for now.
432
00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:41,974
(Sighs)
433
00:17:41,992 --> 00:17:43,510
Why are you staring like that?
434
00:17:43,544 --> 00:17:44,894
You look like the audience
435
00:17:44,929 --> 00:17:46,629
through my performance in "Grease."
436
00:17:51,535 --> 00:17:53,670
Um...
437
00:17:53,704 --> 00:17:55,054
Kyle, I'm just wondering,
438
00:17:55,089 --> 00:17:58,374
do you think this whole
thing with April is a mistake?
439
00:18:01,178 --> 00:18:04,380
Mandy, I just want you to
know that I support you 100%.
440
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:06,516
And yes, it's a horrible mistake.
441
00:18:07,985 --> 00:18:09,469
Really?
442
00:18:09,503 --> 00:18:11,688
Yeah. Children are precious.
443
00:18:11,722 --> 00:18:13,373
If somebody wants to have a baby,
444
00:18:13,407 --> 00:18:15,508
they should be serious
and willing to put up
445
00:18:15,526 --> 00:18:17,877
with a little inconvenience.
446
00:18:17,912 --> 00:18:20,513
That's what I'd want for
any kid that's part yours.
447
00:18:20,531 --> 00:18:22,382
You know, if I was gonna have a baby,
448
00:18:22,416 --> 00:18:24,350
I'd want it to be with someone like you.
449
00:18:24,385 --> 00:18:25,518
Deal.
450
00:18:25,553 --> 00:18:27,153
(Gasps) Oh, my God.
451
00:18:27,187 --> 00:18:29,873
I've always loved that name, too.
452
00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:37,419
(Alarm blares) Ah! What do I press?
453
00:18:37,470 --> 00:18:39,304
It's your father's birthday.
454
00:18:39,339 --> 00:18:41,807
Shoot, I didn't get him anything!
455
00:18:41,841 --> 00:18:44,042
We changed the code to
your father's birthday.
456
00:18:44,060 --> 00:18:46,512
Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's my birthday.
457
00:18:46,546 --> 00:18:48,213
I know, I forgot. I'm sorry.
458
00:18:48,231 --> 00:18:49,982
Honey, uh, the security's
...whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
459
00:18:50,016 --> 00:18:51,383
The light keeps blinking.
I got it. I got it.
460
00:18:51,401 --> 00:18:52,384
I don't know. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
461
00:18:52,419 --> 00:18:53,652
It's because...
462
00:18:53,686 --> 00:18:55,771
One of the window sensors is out.
463
00:18:55,822 --> 00:18:57,156
I got to go look at that.
464
00:18:57,190 --> 00:18:58,157
Hey. Hi.
465
00:18:58,191 --> 00:18:59,224
Everything okay?
466
00:18:59,242 --> 00:19:00,225
Yes.
467
00:19:00,243 --> 00:19:01,726
Um...
468
00:19:01,745 --> 00:19:04,363
I told Aunt April that I
couldn't give her an egg. Ah.
469
00:19:04,397 --> 00:19:05,447
My choice.
470
00:19:05,498 --> 00:19:08,050
Okay. Good. I think it's the right choice.
471
00:19:08,084 --> 00:19:09,735
Right. I'm proud of you. Yeah.
472
00:19:09,769 --> 00:19:11,286
You're no Jimmy Carter.
473
00:19:13,540 --> 00:19:14,506
I'm gonna go to bed.
474
00:19:14,541 --> 00:19:16,125
Got some rompers to sew tomorrow.
475
00:19:16,159 --> 00:19:17,126
Mwah! Oh, good.
476
00:19:17,177 --> 00:19:20,245
Night, Dad. Happy Birthday.
477
00:19:20,263 --> 00:19:21,880
I'm proud of you.
478
00:19:21,914 --> 00:19:23,582
Have a good night.
479
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,585
She has turned into a
really ambitious young woman.
480
00:19:26,603 --> 00:19:28,387
Somebody did a good job parenting.
481
00:19:28,421 --> 00:19:29,688
You're welcome.
482
00:19:29,722 --> 00:19:30,973
Listen...
483
00:19:31,024 --> 00:19:32,757
I got to fix this window
484
00:19:32,776 --> 00:19:34,693
and then I'll be up
for my birthday present.
485
00:19:34,727 --> 00:19:37,162
So, uh, brace yourself.
486
00:19:46,072 --> 00:19:48,273
Okay, hold it right there.
487
00:19:48,291 --> 00:19:49,541
Keep your hands where I can see them.
488
00:19:49,576 --> 00:19:51,110
Hey. It's just a false alarm.
489
00:19:51,144 --> 00:19:53,996
One of my screen sensors
looks like it came loose.
490
00:19:54,047 --> 00:19:56,281
I'm gonna need to see some I.D.
491
00:19:56,299 --> 00:19:58,000
I don't have any I.D. I live here.
492
00:19:59,135 --> 00:20:00,785
This house. Look at my desk.
493
00:20:00,804 --> 00:20:02,304
You'll see a picture of me
sitting right on that desk.
494
00:20:02,338 --> 00:20:03,338
Look at that.
495
00:20:03,389 --> 00:20:05,757
So you've been looking in the windows?
496
00:20:05,791 --> 00:20:07,426
What's going on, Hal?
497
00:20:07,460 --> 00:20:09,678
Responding to an alarm,
Mr. Larabee. Uh-huh.
498
00:20:09,729 --> 00:20:12,481
Found this one by the front window.
499
00:20:13,633 --> 00:20:16,985
Yeah, he does fit the
profile of a Peeping Tom...
500
00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:22,057
middle-aged, sweatpants, peeping.
501
00:20:22,125 --> 00:20:23,475
He says he's the resident.
502
00:20:23,493 --> 00:20:27,246
Mm. Straight out of the
Peeping-Tom handbook.
503
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,648
This is real funny, Larabee. (Chuckles)
504
00:20:29,666 --> 00:20:31,533
You know, I could put this on Yelp.
505
00:20:31,584 --> 00:20:34,119
(Chuckles) I'll vouch for
him, Hal. Go ahead, guys.
506
00:20:34,153 --> 00:20:36,488
Okay. Take it easy, boss. See?
507
00:20:36,506 --> 00:20:38,090
Hey, doesn't feel so good, does it?
508
00:20:38,124 --> 00:20:39,875
You know... when people jump
to conclusions about you?
509
00:20:39,926 --> 00:20:41,260
You know what does feel good
510
00:20:41,294 --> 00:20:44,096
is hiring an incompetent security company.
511
00:20:44,130 --> 00:20:46,098
You know, that window
sensor's loose or something.
512
00:20:46,132 --> 00:20:47,599
Keeps showing up on this alarm pad.
513
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:49,501
Oh, you probably changed the pass code
514
00:20:49,519 --> 00:20:51,019
without resetting the system.
515
00:20:51,054 --> 00:20:52,538
Did you switch out Obama?
516
00:20:53,556 --> 00:20:55,507
It was a change I could believe in.
517
00:20:55,525 --> 00:20:57,342
Yeah. (Chuckles)
518
00:20:57,377 --> 00:20:59,478
Oh, yeah, it's been a tough five years.
519
00:20:59,512 --> 00:21:02,681
Bin Laden's dead and the
stock market's doubled.
520
00:21:02,699 --> 00:21:04,516
Hang in there.
521
00:21:04,551 --> 00:21:07,119
Yeah. No doubt, things
have gotten better. Mm.
522
00:21:07,153 --> 00:21:10,289
Bush's policies have finally kicked in.
523
00:21:10,323 --> 00:21:11,907
(Laughs)
524
00:21:11,941 --> 00:21:13,959
Good night, Baxter.
525
00:21:13,993 --> 00:21:16,512
Night, Larabee.
526
00:21:16,562 --> 00:21:21,112
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