All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s03e12 All About Eve.eng

"Last Man Standing" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

- Morning, Baxters.
- Morning.

Hey, honey. How did you sleep? Sleep?

Who can sleep with this
crushing national debt

hanging over our heads?

Wow. So you're just
becoming the same person.

It's great, isn't it?

Yeah, not so great.

Eve's been reposting the
vlogs dad does for the store

on Facebook, and she's getting killed.

Oh, man.

This comment is really inappropriate.

Oh, wait. I wrote that one.

[Laughing]

"Like"!

I post dad's vlogs so our side of the story

gets heard, you know?

Like, the kids at my
school don't like hearing

the ugly truth about Hillary Clinton.

Well, how did you get to Hillary?

I thought your last vlog was about kayaks?

Kayaks to Whitewater,
Whitewater to Travelgate

Travelgate to Benghazi.

W... why did I say "Benghazi"?

Now I got an upset stomach,
thanks to you. What...

Well, my deepest apologies.

I don't know what I was
thinking when I mentioned kayaks.

Whoa. Eve, you officially have
more "dislikes" than friends.

Yikes. There should be a term for that.

Oh, wait. I've a got it.
That's an "Eve Baxter."

- Honey...
- [laughs]

"Like."

Well, bring it on. Trailblazer's
got to take some hits.

Just like, uh, Barry Goldwater
paved the way for Ronald Reagan,

- right, dad?
- Kid's smart.

She's not getting that

from her appointed-for-life
public-school teachers.

We really struck a nerve, dad.

Ooh... "crawl back into
the primordial ooze,

you mutant, inbred hillbilly."

Yeah, "primordial."

We know that one's not Mandy.

You know what? I don't like
the sound of any of this.

Relax, mom. Richie Haden is
the sophomore-class president

and he and his gang of lefties

have whipped the school into
some pro-government frenzy.

Well, why don't you just stop
reposting your father's vlogs?

Thank God you weren't
at Lexington and Concord.

We would have lost that war,

and I'd be married to
a 238-year-old woman.

"Extremism in defense
of liberty is no vice."

Boom. Got to go. Bye.

You know, there's not
a lot of sophomore girls

that are quoting Barry
Goldwater these days.

Yeah, well, they usually
wait till they're seniors...

actual seniors, like in their 80s.

You know what, honey?
I... I'm worried about Eve.

I mean, she acts all tough
to try to impress you,

but it's got to be hard for a teenage girl

to go through high school... as you.

Ooh! Hey, look at that. She got a "like."

It is from the local chapter
of the Ted Nugent fan club.

- The motor city madman?
- Mm-hmm.

You get past his music,
guy makes a lot of sense.

I'm late. I got to get going.

No, you're not late.

I'm late if I want to get to work

as early as I usually get there.

Oh. You know what, honey?

Hillary Clinton was a
Goldwater girl in 1964.

So? Satan used to work
for God. What's your point?

- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

[engine revs]

[Siren wails]

[Brakes squeal]

Morning.

Know why I pulled you over this morning?

Oh. My patrolmen's benevolent
association bumper sticker

covering my registration, right?

No.

Where you off to in such a hurry?

To work, earn a living,

pay the taxes so the government
can pay... you know, pay...

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Yeah, we love being reminded about that.

And allow me to remind you
that red octagon means "stop."

Right, but I could see the horizon,

no other cars in the intersection.

I thought it was okay
to cruise through there

at 2.5 miles an hour.

I actually gunned you going 4.

You gunned me?

License and registration.

Really?

[Sighs]

Kind of tucked back in there.

Shouldn't the criminals be the one hiding?

And yet you broke the law in plain sight.

Look, if you guys are coming up
short at the end of the month,

I'll pitch in.

The benevolent association,

the... the... the policeman's
rodeo, fill the boot.

Fill the boot? That's the firefighters.

Is it?

Sure. The ladies love the calendars.

Like to see how tough those guys would be

if the burning buildings
could shoot at them.

Taken a lot of fire this morning, have you?

Have a good day.

Little of out of the question
at this point, isn't it?

[Sighs]

- Hey, dad.
- Hey, Kris.

- Hey, honey.
- [Door closes]

How's it going?

I say we get a firemen's calendar

and put it up there on the refrigerator.

Right on.

Of all the ways the
government dips into our pocket

and steals our money,

my least favorite is when the
police give us bogus tickets

just to fill up their quotas.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. But I thought
you were Mr. Law and Order.

Look, I love the police,

but they go to the
academy to catch criminals,

not collect taxes.

These guys have turned the Denver P.D.

into the freaking I.R.S.

Hey, low speed limits and
stop signs make streets safer.

I know.

If we all went zero miles an
hour, there'd be zero accidents.

G.D.P. would be zero, but
we'd have zero accidents.

So the D.P.D. is hurting G.D.P.?

Try saying that 10 times fast.

You know, not everyone's
as tickled by acronyms

- as you, honey.
- [Door opens]

Heads up! Uh, the cops set up a
speed trap in our neighborhood.

He is hiding behind the elm on Cedar.

Or... is it the cedar on Elm? I...

He's on Cedar.

And your dad can't stop
"birching" about it.

[Both laugh]

For the sake of our family,
can you please stop doing that?

I can't believe I got pulled over.

- It was kind of a thing.
- What happened?

Well, how... well, how
much was the ticket?

No, no, no, he didn't give me
a ticket. I was just like this.

And then I was like, "oh,
my God. Thank you so much."

Just gave me a warning!
High five! [Laughs]

Another tax that just
some of us have to pay.

Oh, come on. Honey,
let women have this one.

There are millions of situations
where men have the upper hand.

And name one.

- Earning more money.
- Waiting in bathroom lines.

Running for President.

You tell that to the 12 men
that are gonna get crushed

by cankles in a pantsuit.

You know, today really got me thinking.

- Beauty is power, right?
- Yeah?

I mean, it can't power a car,
but it can get you a ride.

Like, maybe in a private jet... to Dubai.

Well, "Dubai."

You know, this might not be the best time,

but you need to write that check

for her next semester of college.

You know, what I'd like
to be writing is a sign

warning people about that
cop over there on Cedar.

Well, you know what?

Then you could be like Paul
Revere, warning the villagers...

one if by land, two if by "Cedar."

[Both laugh] That one's actually not bad.

Dad, what are we warning people about?

Mike: Tyranny, oppression,
government overreach...

the Democratic platform.

Uh, Eve, what, uh...
what happened to your lip?

- Oh, uh, I got into a little scrap with Richie Haden.
- What?! What?!

Yeah, um, I know, as a
joke, people like to say,

"you should see the other guy," but, um...

seriously, you should see the other guy.

So, you got in a fight?

Well, Richie Haden was talking
smack about dad's vlogs...

give me this... and calling us rednecks.

And he hit you?

Well, he came at me, and I used the aikido

self-defense techniques dad taught me

and put him on the pavement.

Honey, you know what? We're
very disappointed in you.

And when she says "we," she
means her and Richie's parents.

And every other civilized
grown-up in Denver.

She defended herself. That's
good. This is a great thing.

And the best part of this,

I think I have an idea for my next vlog.

Oh, well, good.

Standing up to tyranny. Thank you.

Can't wait to repost it.

All right. You all right?

Call me insane, but I don't think girls

should be brawling in the streets.

Kind of a double standard, isn't it, mom?

Wha... no, it's just
a standard standard.

Society understands that
boys will get in fights...

it's a rite of passage...

but a girl gets into it with
somebody who totally deserves it

and everyone's all, "bitches be crazy."

I don't know.

I mean, you've always taught
us to stand up for ourselves.

Although, personally,

there's nothing that I
believe in strongly enough

to put the cash register in jeopardy.

"Dubai."

- Honey?
- What?

You've raised three very strong women.

Thank you. I know.

This is your fault.

Mike, can you at least
pretend to be concerned

that Eve got into a fight?

Why? I'm proud of her,
honey. She defended herself.

She won, and she clocked
a big-mouthed liberal.

Let me enjoy this for a minute.

Well, was your dad happy
when you won your first fight?

He was torn.

'Cause it was with him.

Junior R.O.T.C., fighting?

God, when I was 15, I... I just
wanted to be asked to the dance.

Yeah, and movies were a nickel.

If she wandered off campus with a guy,

this is the best possible version of that

that I can think.

I mean, she's obviously too stubborn

to stop reposting your vlogs.

You know, could you maybe
just... tone them down a little?

- You want me to censor what I say, honey?
- No, no, I'm not...

You want to muzzle me?

I mean, what kind of lesson
does that teach the girls?

If things get disagreeable,
you just modify your beliefs?

No, I'm not saying modify your beliefs.

I'm saying modulate your bellowing.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs] You know, I don't ask for much.

I mean, I got... I got
a shotgun rack in my den,

a foosball table in the guest room.

And look a this... look at my bedroom.

It looks like a cigar lounge.

No, it doesn't. It looks like a...

it does look like a cigar lounge.

You know what it could use?

No, you are not putting a humidor in here.

If you're asking for someone to compromise,

you got to learn to give a little.

Hey, Mike. Come here a minute, please.

- What's up?
- Yeah, you know,

you're getting a lot of page
views on your last vlog, Mike.

It's comforting to know
that people who buy guns

also like angry rants
against the government.

Well, they're gonna love the next one...

how to stand up to a tyrant. [Sighs]

I like it, but what does that

have to do with fishing backpacks?

- The weight of the government on your shoulders.
- I know.

- I know. Got it. Writes itself.
- Yeah.

Be honest with me... am I
taking this a bit too far?

Vanessa thinks I should
tone it down a little bit.

But doesn't she understand,
the more passionate you are,

the more eyeballs we get,
the more product we move,

the more chaffing dishes you can buy her.

This is really about Eve.

You know, she reposts some
of these vlogs at school,

and it looks like she's getting in trouble.

I know. I follow her on Facebook.

I know.

Yeah, the kids have
been pretty hard on her.

Especially Mandy.

Those kids are into big
government. No surprise.

Teenagers are used to
spending other people's money.

Mm-hmm.

And what... what do kids that age know?

They're just parroting the
stuff that they learned at home,

- just like Eve probably does with you, so...
- No, no, no, no, no.

Eve's different. She's
an independent thinker.

She comes to her own conclusions...

that everything I say is right.

I see. I see.

Then you should tell her to
stop reposting your stuff.

It's not gonna work.

She's stubborn when it
comes to me being a genius.

Mike, do you love your kid?

This one, yeah.

You have to tone down
your vlogs just a bit.

We all make sacrifices for our children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what sacrifices have
you made for your kid?

When Gabriella was
little, I lost 130 pounds.

Really?

Yes, I divorced her stepmother.

Mike: Water-resistant nylon,

contoured yoke, shoulder straps,

compatible with hydration
systems up to 60 ounces.

[Exhales sharply]

So come on down to Outdoor Man

and get your top-of-the-line
tactical fishing backpack.

How did you like that vlog?

That boring enough for you?

I could see you really
struggling to hold it in

when you said "Made in China."

You don't seem too happy about it.

What's the matter?

Think I should have taken
more than 20% off of it?

[Sighs]

That cop pulled me over
today and gave me a ticket.

I told you to stay off Cedar, babe.

No, he's moving around.
He was on Hudson today.

Hudson? That's under construction.

Double the fine. Smart cop.

Oh, I don't care about the fine.

I care about the fine.

It's just [dighs] I've always
been able to, you know...

Come on, honey.

With your knockers, you go with the hair?

Nothing worked. I tried everything.

Honey, I... am I losing it?

Any cop gives this a
ticket doesn't like women.

He was wearing a wedding ring.

It's 2014. That could mean anything.

And why are you checking out
whether he's married or not?

Well...

- Wow! Whoa!
- Hey, guys.

Hey, hey. Where are you
going dressed like that?

Oh, I have a paper due,
and I didn't quite write it.

Mike: Well...

Well, so, why... why
do you dress like that?

I need the Professor
to give me an extension,

or, if he really likes the dress, an "A".

Oh, God. No, Mandy. Mandy, honey, no.

You can't just skate
through life on your looks.

'Cause one day, a cop's
gonna give you a ticket.

Hey.

I know.

But that's not gonna happen
for a long, long time.

Well, not a "long, long" time.

You know...

long time.

Hey, guys!

You might want to come
out here and see something.

[Chuckles]

Somebody standing up to tyranny.

That's what I'm talking
about... fight the power!

Is that Eve?

[Siren chirps]

She's not gonna get a
warning in that outfit.

Mike: Hey. It's you.

Feel free to come to a complete stop

before you hit the walkway here.

Very funny. You know this young lady?

Well... yeah, she might live here.

You, uh... remember me?

No.

What? You just gave me
a ticket a half-hour ago.

I see a lot of faces.

- Hey, Mandy.
- Oh, hi, Jay.

Termites couldn't do as
much damage to my home

as you're doing right now.

Is my daughter in some
kind of trouble, officer?

Yeah, because last time I checked,

- this was a free country.
- Okay, okay.

By what authority

can you tell me where
I can hold my sign, Jay?

Colorado traffic code 107...

"no person shall will-fully
fail or refuse to comply

with any lawful order or direction

of any police officer invested
by law with authority to direct,

control, or regulate traffic."

You remembered all that and not this?

- Okay, but does traffic code 107 trump the First Amendment?
- Eve. Ba-ba-ba-ba.

Yes.

But I'm letting you off with a warning.

Oh, well... well, thank you, Jay.

Let's go.

B... but wait. You know,
she had a point there.

She was obstructing justice.

She was not obstructing justice.

Listen, officer.

You know, Barry Goldwater
had a speech in front of...

- Barry Goldwater?
- Yeah, he had a speech. It was a great...

Outdoor Man! I knew I recognized you!

I'd ask for your autograph,
but I got it yesterday.

Yeah. Oh. That was fun.

Man, you really hate the government.

Well, "hate" is a very strong word, off...

- Me, too.
- What?

As a rule, people hate the government

and people hate heir boss.

Imagine if the government was your boss.

Wow. You... you poor bastard.

- Love your vlogs.
- Thanks a lot.

- A lot of us do.
- Good.

Uh, if there's ever anything
I can do for you, let me know.

Uh, there is something you could do.

You could get rid of
that ticket you gave me

for rolling through that
stop sign. How about that?

I'm sorry. That's already in the system.

Yeah, sure it is.

In the system.

Yep, you don't want lunatics
driving around Denver at,

uh, what... 4 miles an hour?

But if there's ever anything
else I can do, give me a call.

I'll do that.

And try to stay out of trouble.

Why bother? I have this.

[Chuckling] Hey. This is a cool sign.

Warning the motorists
of Denver... I like it.

Well, somebody had to be Paul Revere.

You know, dad, I was so hyped
to hear your vlog on tyranny,

and you totally bailed on me.

If I wanted to hear about sales,

I'd just listen to Mandy
talking in her sleep.

Well, Eve, honey,

I did that to protect you from
getting in trouble at school.

You've taught me how to
defend myself, dad, and I did.

That's okay when it's stuff
that you really believe in,

but I don't want you doing
this just to impress me.

"Extremism in defense
of liberty is no vice."

You lifted that from my
vlog on fishing lures.

And "moderation in pursuit
of justice is no virtue."

I didn't say that.

That's the rest of Goldwater's quote, dad.

I pulled that from his acceptance speech

in the '64 convention.

My God, you are the
greatest kid in the world.

I appreciate that you're
into this political stuff.

I really am.

But sometimes just raising your voice

isn't the best way to get things done.

So you want me to tone it down.

Or change your tone.

I mean, if you really want
to get into this stuff,

get more involved.

I mean, why should Richie Haden

run for class president unopposed?

- Maybe I will run against him.
- Yeah.

Hmm.

I mean, I've already kicked his butt once.

Campaign slogan writes itself.

You know what? Thanks, dad.

I'm gonna do it.

And to paraphrase the
great grover Norquist,

"you can't drown the
government in a bathtub

unless you're willing to wrestle
around in the water with it."

Thanks, dad. Richie
Haden, you're going down.

I... I...

I really like that kid.

Hi, there. Mike Baxter
here for Outdoor Man.

America fought a war against
taxation without representation.

And we won.

We got taxation with representation.

What a booby prize that turned out to be.

So all this month,

Outdoor Man is fighting back
with our "no sales tax" sale.

Taxes.

Everywhere we turn, another
one jumps up to bite us.

You drive over here to outdoor man

and you're paying 22 cents
a gallon in gasoline taxes.

And in the gas tax,
there's another tax hiding

called the environmental
response surcharge.

It's not a surcharge. It's a tax.

It's enough to make
you start smoking again.

But if you do that,

you'll be coughing up an
extra 84 cents a pack in taxes.

Wow. I'll need a drink after that.

I wouldn't do that.

You can't even wet your whistle

without the government wetting
its beak at 60 cents a liter.

They even changed it to liters

so we don't know what that means.

We need to stand up against
the tyranny of high taxes

and elect leaders who value free markets,

free minds, and free people.

And...

free period after homeroom.

Which is why Outdoor Man

is making its first-ever
political endorsement.

Eve Baxter... right for Denver,

right for America,

and right for Woodbridge
High student council.

Hello. I'm Eve Baxter,
and I approve this message.

- Hey, baby.
- Hey.

How was your day?

Amazing.

Well, tell me.

What's an amazing day in
the world of a geologist?

You find the rock that killed Goliath?

[Both laugh]

No, no, work was actually pretty dull,

but something exciting
did happen on the way home.

I got pulled over again.

I'm sorry about that.

No, no, no. It's okay.
Jay just gave me a warning.

I'm just saying, [Sighs] I still got it.

Yeah, you still got it.

Yes, I do!

[Siren chirps]

[Siren chirps]

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- www.addic7ed.com -

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