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1
00:00:05,363 --> 00:00:06,929
All right, I got to go.
2
00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:08,397
- See ya.
- Oh, what?
3
00:00:08,433 --> 00:00:09,999
Mm. Wait, where do
you think you're going?
4
00:00:10,034 --> 00:00:12,201
I go work. Make money. You
buy flowers. - No, no, wait!
5
00:00:12,237 --> 00:00:14,437
No. You-you can't leave.
6
00:00:14,472 --> 00:00:16,372
My mother's gonna be here any second.
7
00:00:16,407 --> 00:00:18,708
Why didn't you say so? I'll
get my announcement trumpet
8
00:00:18,743 --> 00:00:21,210
and blow it right here in the foyer.
9
00:00:21,246 --> 00:00:23,779
I need you to be my buffer.
You know how my mother is.
10
00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,948
Look, I know you want me to say
something bad about your mom,
11
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,717
but, honey, I literally
like six people in the world,
12
00:00:27,752 --> 00:00:29,218
and your mom's one of 'em.
13
00:00:29,254 --> 00:00:31,954
Yeah, well, that is because you
have never been her daughter.
14
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,623
(Chuckles) I like that you're implying
15
00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:35,891
that there's still time.
16
00:00:35,927 --> 00:00:37,893
I really thought she was
coming this afternoon.
17
00:00:37,929 --> 00:00:39,295
I've got to get to work.
18
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,063
I'm working on
this pain-in-the-ass
19
00:00:41,099 --> 00:00:43,065
environmental impact statement
for our California store.
20
00:00:43,101 --> 00:00:44,634
No, no, I need you. I need you.
21
00:00:44,669 --> 00:00:47,236
My mother is impacting my environment.
22
00:00:47,272 --> 00:00:49,071
(Stammers) But you bought her flowers.
23
00:00:49,107 --> 00:00:51,207
Next to a grandkid, that's the
best thing you could get her.
24
00:00:51,242 --> 00:00:53,643
Oh, no, trust me. She will
take one look at those flowers
25
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:56,946
and then do that little head
tilt and say something critical.
26
00:00:56,981 --> 00:00:58,781
So what I'm hearing is you
could've spent less money
27
00:00:58,816 --> 00:01:00,316
- on flowers.
- (Sighs)
28
00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:01,917
- (Doorbell rings)
- Uh...
29
00:01:01,953 --> 00:01:05,655
- Wa-Wait, wa-wait, wa-wait.
- (Stammers, groans)
30
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:08,324
- Hey. (Chuckles)
- (Gasps) Oh!
31
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:10,993
- My little girl!
- Oh. (Chuckles)
32
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,228
- (Chuckles)
- Hi, Mom.
33
00:01:12,263 --> 00:01:14,163
Mike, I don't know
34
00:01:14,198 --> 00:01:15,799
what you're eating, but, whatever it is,
35
00:01:15,833 --> 00:01:17,566
it's making you younger.
36
00:01:17,602 --> 00:01:19,135
Corn Nuts and bacon.
37
00:01:19,170 --> 00:01:21,470
- (Laughs): Okay. That'll do it.
- Oh, you look good.
38
00:01:21,506 --> 00:01:22,905
- Hi, Bonnie.
- Thank you.
39
00:01:22,940 --> 00:01:26,242
(Gasps) Oh, what beautiful flowers.
40
00:01:26,277 --> 00:01:29,078
Oh, darling, do you remember
that flower arrangement course
41
00:01:29,113 --> 00:01:31,447
I signed us up for when
you were in high school?
42
00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:33,449
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
In the church basement.
43
00:01:33,484 --> 00:01:35,851
Yeah, yeah. (Chuckles) I
felt so bad for my friends
44
00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:38,688
who had to find something
else to do on Friday nights.
45
00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:43,392
But you learned a wonderful skill.
46
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:46,796
And...
47
00:01:46,831 --> 00:01:48,798
if you remember,
48
00:01:48,833 --> 00:01:53,135
they always stressed that we
should never put delicate stems
49
00:01:53,171 --> 00:01:54,770
in our foundation.
50
00:01:54,806 --> 00:01:56,505
Huh! Mother made it better.
51
00:01:56,541 --> 00:01:58,607
Yeah.
52
00:01:58,643 --> 00:02:01,643
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:02:05,483 --> 00:02:07,049
It's my favorite.
54
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,984
That's why they have
it on the wine list.
55
00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:10,386
Oh! Oh.
56
00:02:10,421 --> 00:02:12,488
Oh...
57
00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:14,724
This is a terrible year. (Chuckles)
58
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:16,625
- For me.
- Yeah.
59
00:02:16,661 --> 00:02:20,363
Well, this one's not going
so great for me, either. Um...
60
00:02:20,398 --> 00:02:22,465
Oh, oh, there's Kristin!
Kristin, Kristin!
61
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:24,500
Oh!
62
00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:25,901
- (Chuckles): Oh!
- Grandma!
63
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,903
- Hi! Oh.
- Look at you,
64
00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:30,072
managing this whole restaurant.
65
00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,708
I always knew you were a go-getter.
66
00:02:32,744 --> 00:02:35,044
Oh, stop it. (Chuckles)
67
00:02:35,079 --> 00:02:37,079
She, um... she-she
takes after her mother.
68
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,749
Minus the bragging. (Chuckles)
69
00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:43,085
Uh, can you join us? Well,
you-you-you must join us.
70
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,754
Uh... (Chuckles)
No, I...
71
00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:46,355
We're short-staffed today. I'm sorry.
72
00:02:46,391 --> 00:02:48,758
But I promise you ladies
will get the VIP treatment.
73
00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:50,860
- Oh.
- Which, at my restaurant, means
74
00:02:50,895 --> 00:02:52,428
endless jerky.
75
00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,397
Oh...
76
00:02:54,432 --> 00:02:56,399
that is a woman in charge.
77
00:02:56,434 --> 00:02:58,234
The boss. Ooh.
78
00:02:58,269 --> 00:03:00,669
- Isn't that something? Mm!
- Mm.
79
00:03:00,705 --> 00:03:03,038
Well, I'm-I'm very
proud of my daughter.
80
00:03:03,074 --> 00:03:04,774
- Yeah.
- 'Cause I-I know
81
00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:08,444
how hard it is to succeed
in a male-dominated world.
82
00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:11,680
I mean, t wasn't easy, even with my PhD.
83
00:03:11,716 --> 00:03:16,552
Dear, it isn't a compliment
when you pay it to yourself.
84
00:03:18,055 --> 00:03:19,522
Ed! Ed! Hi!
85
00:03:19,557 --> 00:03:21,123
Ed, over here! (Chuckles)
86
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,758
- Ed!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
87
00:03:22,794 --> 00:03:25,227
Uh, Mom, uh, you-you
remember Ed Alzate.
88
00:03:25,263 --> 00:03:26,896
(Laughs) Of course!
89
00:03:26,931 --> 00:03:28,731
- Hi, Ed.
- Bonnie, you look as lovely as ever.
90
00:03:28,766 --> 00:03:30,800
- Look at you.
- Oh, and you're such a gentleman.
91
00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:32,868
- And as dapper as always.
- Oh.
92
00:03:32,904 --> 00:03:34,703
Look at you two getting along. Join us.
93
00:03:34,739 --> 00:03:37,039
- (Chuckles)
- Thank you.
94
00:03:37,074 --> 00:03:39,308
- Kristin's, uh, bringing jerky.
- Oh.
95
00:03:39,343 --> 00:03:42,244
Two blondes and a bucket
of jerky. (Chuckles)
96
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,447
- I hit the jackpot!
- (Laughs)
97
00:03:44,482 --> 00:03:46,949
Oh, you were always such a character.
98
00:03:46,984 --> 00:03:50,553
I remember you dancing
at Mandy's wedding.
99
00:03:50,588 --> 00:03:53,923
I'd never seen someone
tango to "Whip It."
100
00:03:53,958 --> 00:03:55,491
Uh-huh.
101
00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:58,127
Well, start humming,
and you can see it again.
102
00:03:58,162 --> 00:03:59,495
- Whoa.
- (Vanessa chuckles)
103
00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:01,831
Ed... (Chuckles) uh, my-my
mom and I are planning
104
00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:03,466
on taking a painting class tonight.
105
00:04:03,501 --> 00:04:05,301
You should... you should come along.
106
00:04:05,336 --> 00:04:06,735
- Oh, yes.
- Really? Really?
107
00:04:06,771 --> 00:04:08,471
I've always wanted to try painting.
108
00:04:08,506 --> 00:04:10,739
But I'd need a muse.
109
00:04:10,775 --> 00:04:14,243
Oh. And I always thought
I could be a model.
110
00:04:14,278 --> 00:04:18,714
Mom, it's not a compliment
if you pay it to yourself.
111
00:04:24,155 --> 00:04:25,855
(Man speaking indistinctly on TV)
112
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,190
Did you finish your math?
113
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,191
Almost.
114
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,292
Did you start it?
115
00:04:30,328 --> 00:04:31,527
Almost.
116
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,128
That's not funny, Boyd, okay?
117
00:04:33,164 --> 00:04:35,197
And neither was your last report card.
118
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:36,966
You get upstairs and
you get your work done,
119
00:04:37,001 --> 00:04:38,300
or we are not going
to the Autumn Festival
120
00:04:38,336 --> 00:04:39,668
this weekend in Aspen.
121
00:04:39,704 --> 00:04:40,936
I don't want to go.
122
00:04:40,972 --> 00:04:42,505
It's leaves changing colors.
123
00:04:42,540 --> 00:04:45,207
Math. Now. Do it.
124
00:04:50,214 --> 00:04:51,714
What?
125
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,983
Nothing. It's just...
126
00:04:54,018 --> 00:04:55,885
the way you talk to Boyd.
127
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,820
Yeah. Remember, Ryan,
you shouldn't talk at him.
128
00:04:57,855 --> 00:04:59,555
You know, you should talk to him.
129
00:04:59,590 --> 00:05:03,225
Oh, yeah. I forget, how
many kids do you guys have?
130
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,828
- None. Duh.
- (Exhales)
131
00:05:05,863 --> 00:05:08,831
I was gonna freak if
you said anything else.
132
00:05:08,866 --> 00:05:10,499
Don't get me wrong, I-I do appreciate
133
00:05:10,535 --> 00:05:12,902
the nonstop input of
how to raise our child,
134
00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:14,803
but Kristin and I got this.
135
00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:16,805
Do you?
136
00:05:16,841 --> 00:05:19,475
I mean, I wonder if it
wouldn't be better for everybody
137
00:05:19,510 --> 00:05:21,477
if you weren't so stern with Boyd.
138
00:05:21,512 --> 00:05:24,513
Yeah, you know, be less of a
father and more of a friend.
139
00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:25,981
Oh, now I get it.
140
00:05:26,017 --> 00:05:28,918
Thank you for talking
to me and not at me.
141
00:05:28,953 --> 00:05:30,519
(Gasps) Here's a thought.
142
00:05:30,555 --> 00:05:32,154
Why don't you and Kristin go to Aspen
143
00:05:32,189 --> 00:05:34,557
and you can leave Boyd
with us. Give us a chance.
144
00:05:34,592 --> 00:05:36,425
Yeah, I mean, you would
have to ask Kristin first...
145
00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:38,794
She said yes. He's all
yours. No take-backs.
146
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:46,068
- Ah. There you are.
- Listen, I'd like to talk,
147
00:05:46,103 --> 00:05:47,336
but I really got to
get this done, honey.
148
00:05:47,371 --> 00:05:48,504
I'm not gonna interrupt you.
149
00:05:48,539 --> 00:05:50,506
I just want to give you
a little bit of news.
150
00:05:50,541 --> 00:05:52,107
But you can't do that
without interrupting me,
151
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:53,642
so let's just...
152
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,379
You do not have to worry
about being the buffer
153
00:05:57,415 --> 00:05:58,881
between me and my mother anymore.
154
00:05:58,916 --> 00:06:00,049
Know why?
155
00:06:00,084 --> 00:06:02,217
You killed her.
156
00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:05,187
No.
157
00:06:05,222 --> 00:06:08,390
I got Ed to join us
at the painting class.
158
00:06:08,426 --> 00:06:11,026
- Great.
- He is my new buffer.
159
00:06:11,062 --> 00:06:14,797
Ed's always been a real
mother-buffer, I'll tell you.
160
00:06:14,832 --> 00:06:17,099
Oh, there you are, Vanessa.
161
00:06:17,134 --> 00:06:18,734
Oh, boy.
162
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:21,070
You know, I wonder if
Saddam Hussein's spider hole
163
00:06:21,105 --> 00:06:22,738
is still available.
164
00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,406
You know, say what
you will about him...
165
00:06:24,442 --> 00:06:26,408
it took a long time to find him.
166
00:06:27,445 --> 00:06:29,411
I just talked to Eddie,
167
00:06:29,447 --> 00:06:31,547
and he invited me to dinner tonight.
168
00:06:31,582 --> 00:06:32,881
- What about our painting class?
- Oh, darling,
169
00:06:32,917 --> 00:06:34,883
would you mind if we took a rain check?
170
00:06:34,919 --> 00:06:36,719
Eddie said... (Chuckles):
he wanted to...
171
00:06:36,754 --> 00:06:39,521
he wanted to see me in
something other than a smock.
172
00:06:41,158 --> 00:06:43,926
Okay. Well, you go, go. Have fun.
173
00:06:43,961 --> 00:06:46,528
- Okay. Don't wait up.
- Okay.
174
00:06:48,966 --> 00:06:51,767
Looks like your plan worked.
175
00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:56,005
And yet you still seem upset.
176
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,906
I can't believe it.
177
00:06:57,942 --> 00:07:00,709
That mother-buffer stole my mom.
178
00:07:08,324 --> 00:07:10,558
Oh. Hey. (Chuckles)
179
00:07:10,593 --> 00:07:12,560
I couldn't find you.
180
00:07:12,595 --> 00:07:15,563
(Quietly): That was kind of the idea.
181
00:07:15,598 --> 00:07:18,566
Sorry. Uh, so how's the
impact report coming?
182
00:07:18,601 --> 00:07:22,110
Oh. People's Republic of California
can't slide into the ocean fast enough.
183
00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:22,503
Yeah.
184
00:07:22,539 --> 00:07:25,573
(Chuckles) I know exactly what you mean.
185
00:07:25,608 --> 00:07:27,175
You know, I have had it with Ed.
186
00:07:27,210 --> 00:07:28,676
Let's talk about Ed, 'cause I was tired
187
00:07:28,711 --> 00:07:29,977
of talking about my problems.
188
00:07:30,013 --> 00:07:31,312
You know, every day this week,
189
00:07:31,347 --> 00:07:32,914
that man has monopolized my mother,
190
00:07:32,949 --> 00:07:35,116
and I can't get a lunch in edgewise.
191
00:07:35,151 --> 00:07:37,285
Look, you don't like it
when your mom's around you.
192
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,320
You don't like it when
your mom's not around you.
193
00:07:39,355 --> 00:07:41,522
Between us, are you bananas?
194
00:07:41,558 --> 00:07:44,592
Honey, I want to be with
her, just not alone with her.
195
00:07:44,627 --> 00:07:47,161
Okay, I've told you
this for, like, 30 years,
196
00:07:47,197 --> 00:07:49,463
but they say the 900th
time is the charm.
197
00:07:49,499 --> 00:07:51,132
Talk to your mother.
198
00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:52,333
Oh, right, right, right.
199
00:07:52,368 --> 00:07:54,001
Then all she'll do is this.
200
00:07:54,037 --> 00:07:56,137
And who could survive this?
201
00:07:56,172 --> 00:07:57,538
Mike, she does it all the time.
202
00:07:57,574 --> 00:07:59,373
Remember when she saw the flowers?
203
00:07:59,409 --> 00:08:02,710
Yeah. When you made fun of the
class you guys took together?
204
00:08:02,745 --> 00:08:04,212
What? No, I didn't make fun of it.
205
00:08:04,247 --> 00:08:06,280
You drew first blood, Rambo.
206
00:08:06,316 --> 00:08:09,183
Oh, why am I talking to you?
207
00:08:09,219 --> 00:08:11,185
You never even told
your father how you felt.
208
00:08:11,221 --> 00:08:13,020
And now he's dead.
209
00:08:13,056 --> 00:08:15,623
So you're saying
210
00:08:15,658 --> 00:08:17,725
all I have to do is wait this out?
211
00:08:22,899 --> 00:08:25,733
Thanks for taking me to the arcade.
212
00:08:25,768 --> 00:08:28,836
You know, you guys are really
good at Dance Dance Revolution.
213
00:08:28,872 --> 00:08:31,873
Well, our secret to getting
the high score is doing this.
214
00:08:37,614 --> 00:08:39,213
Hey, so what's next?
215
00:08:39,249 --> 00:08:41,582
We could watch all the
Fast and Furious movies.
216
00:08:41,618 --> 00:08:43,417
Pound candy every
time Vin Diesel says...
217
00:08:43,453 --> 00:08:46,053
(Deep voice): "We're family."
218
00:08:46,089 --> 00:08:50,524
Well, your dad wanted you to
finish your math workbook first.
219
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,526
Aw, I hate math.
220
00:08:52,562 --> 00:08:54,929
I can't do it, because...
221
00:08:54,964 --> 00:08:56,530
Never mind.
222
00:08:56,566 --> 00:08:58,666
What? You can tell us.
223
00:08:58,701 --> 00:09:01,235
We cool.
224
00:09:01,271 --> 00:09:03,804
Yeah, speak the truth, broseph.
225
00:09:05,708 --> 00:09:07,675
I'm stupid.
226
00:09:07,710 --> 00:09:09,176
Hey, don't say that.
227
00:09:09,212 --> 00:09:11,445
Yeah, math was hard for me, too,
228
00:09:11,481 --> 00:09:15,249
and nobody thinks that I'm stupid.
229
00:09:15,285 --> 00:09:18,119
I-I try, but I-I
just can't do it.
230
00:09:18,154 --> 00:09:20,788
You're a Baxter. You
guys can do anything.
231
00:09:20,823 --> 00:09:23,057
Even Vin Diesel impressions.
232
00:09:23,092 --> 00:09:25,626
Yeah, and-and maybe we can help you.
233
00:09:25,662 --> 00:09:27,895
But how am I supposed to remember that,
234
00:09:27,931 --> 00:09:31,532
uh, "tangent equals
opposite over adjacent"?
235
00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:33,207
Well, what I used to
do is just, you know,
236
00:09:33,236 --> 00:09:34,802
come up with fun ways
to remember things.
237
00:09:34,837 --> 00:09:38,406
So, if tangent equals
opposite over adjacent,
238
00:09:38,441 --> 00:09:41,409
then "T" equals "O" over "A."
239
00:09:41,444 --> 00:09:43,077
So,
T-O-A.
240
00:09:43,112 --> 00:09:44,745
So just remember...
241
00:09:44,781 --> 00:09:47,248
tickle... ostriches...
242
00:09:47,283 --> 00:09:48,916
always.
243
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:54,255
This is known as a moronic device.
244
00:09:55,491 --> 00:09:56,824
(Chuckles) Wow.
245
00:09:56,859 --> 00:09:58,426
You guys are brilliant.
246
00:09:58,461 --> 00:10:01,062
We get that a lot. (Chuckles)
247
00:10:01,097 --> 00:10:04,432
And Ryan said we didn't
know how to parent.
248
00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:07,941
Hey, is there any way
you guys can help me
249
00:10:07,971 --> 00:10:08,936
with the rest of this?
250
00:10:08,972 --> 00:10:10,304
Yeah, of course.
251
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:11,839
(Bad Italian accent): "We're family."
252
00:10:11,874 --> 00:10:13,341
No. Hang on. Hold on.
253
00:10:13,376 --> 00:10:14,675
(Bad New York accent): "We're family."
254
00:10:14,711 --> 00:10:16,610
I can't...
Family. Fam...
255
00:10:16,646 --> 00:10:19,146
Eh, I can't do it.
256
00:10:21,784 --> 00:10:25,419
Well... (Chuckles) I am so glad
you were able to squeeze me in
257
00:10:25,455 --> 00:10:27,621
for lunch between your dates with Ed.
258
00:10:27,657 --> 00:10:31,826
Oh, I cannot remember a
better visit to Denver.
259
00:10:31,861 --> 00:10:33,194
(Chuckles)
260
00:10:34,230 --> 00:10:36,364
Huh.
261
00:10:36,399 --> 00:10:39,800
Uh, you know, I-I think this
might be the perfect time
262
00:10:39,836 --> 00:10:42,103
to, uh... to talk to
you about something.
263
00:10:42,138 --> 00:10:44,205
Oh, dear. This sounds important.
264
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:45,773
Will it take long?
265
00:10:45,808 --> 00:10:48,809
Ed's taking me to an
exhibit at the art museum.
266
00:10:48,845 --> 00:10:50,311
- What?
- Yeah.
267
00:10:50,346 --> 00:10:52,613
They're all nudes.
268
00:10:52,648 --> 00:10:55,316
Even the boys.
269
00:10:55,351 --> 00:10:57,718
Uh, excuse me.
270
00:10:57,754 --> 00:10:59,520
I-I suddenly need to
go to the ladies' room.
271
00:10:59,555 --> 00:11:02,023
Oh, okay.
272
00:11:02,058 --> 00:11:05,826
- Hey Vanessa, good to...
- No time, no time.
273
00:11:05,862 --> 00:11:07,862
Good to see you, too,
Chuck. How's your day going?
274
00:11:07,897 --> 00:11:09,363
Oh, pretty good, actually.
275
00:11:09,399 --> 00:11:12,066
I won 20 bucks on a scratcher.
276
00:11:12,101 --> 00:11:13,334
Oh, Ed. Hi.
277
00:11:13,369 --> 00:11:15,336
Oh, Vanessa.
278
00:11:15,371 --> 00:11:17,138
I was just heading
down to get your mother.
279
00:11:17,173 --> 00:11:18,465
We're gonna look at
some dirty pictures.
280
00:11:18,496 --> 00:11:18,906
Uh, yeah.
281
00:11:18,941 --> 00:11:20,808
Uh, I-I want to talk to you about that.
282
00:11:20,843 --> 00:11:22,343
I-I jest, of course.
283
00:11:22,378 --> 00:11:24,311
We're also gonna look
at some dirty statues.
284
00:11:24,347 --> 00:11:26,347
Ed, I think it's great
that you and my mom
285
00:11:26,382 --> 00:11:27,815
have started this relationship.
286
00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:29,383
I-I mean, she raves about you.
287
00:11:29,419 --> 00:11:30,985
You're-you're all she talks about.
288
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:33,020
But I don't get to spend
time with her anymore,
289
00:11:33,056 --> 00:11:35,723
because she's all wrapped up in you.
290
00:11:35,758 --> 00:11:39,393
Well, uh, Vanessa, I had no idea
it's created such a situation.
291
00:11:39,429 --> 00:11:42,229
Yeah, well-well, it has,
so, um, if you don't mind,
292
00:11:42,265 --> 00:11:44,398
I-I would like to
spend time with my mom.
293
00:11:44,434 --> 00:11:46,400
And, uh, I would really appreciate it
294
00:11:46,436 --> 00:11:48,869
if-if maybe you didn't
take her to the museum.
295
00:11:48,905 --> 00:11:50,771
Of course. Of course, of course.
296
00:11:50,807 --> 00:11:53,247
Just give me a second, I'll go
right down and tell her myself.
297
00:11:53,276 --> 00:11:55,910
Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
Uh, oh, and, yeah, when you get
298
00:11:55,945 --> 00:11:58,245
to the table, um, I'll say
something to cover, like, uh,
299
00:11:58,281 --> 00:12:01,782
like, "Hi, Ed. So nice to see
you for the first time today."
300
00:12:05,421 --> 00:12:07,188
- Oh, hey, Vanessa.
- Sorry, in a hurry.
301
00:12:07,223 --> 00:12:09,290
Oh, this shirt?
302
00:12:09,325 --> 00:12:11,225
Yeah, it's new.
303
00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:14,428
I know purple's bold, but
I figured I'd roll the dice.
304
00:12:14,464 --> 00:12:16,263
- Ooh.
- (Panting): Hi.
305
00:12:16,299 --> 00:12:18,866
Darling, you're all out of
breath. Is everything okay?
306
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:21,368
- Uh, had to use the upstairs bathroom.
- Oh.
307
00:12:21,404 --> 00:12:23,604
There was a woman cleaning
the downstairs bathroom.
308
00:12:23,639 --> 00:12:25,139
Her name's Theresa.
309
00:12:25,174 --> 00:12:27,575
We're... we're gonna play tennis.
310
00:12:27,610 --> 00:12:29,910
Ooh, Ed. Hi.
311
00:12:29,946 --> 00:12:31,412
There's Ed.
312
00:12:31,447 --> 00:12:33,447
Yeah, so nice to see you again.
313
00:12:33,483 --> 00:12:35,249
Oh, uh, for the first time.
314
00:12:36,452 --> 00:12:38,219
Is it time to leave already?
315
00:12:38,254 --> 00:12:40,415
No. Actually, my dear, I
won't be able to accompany you
316
00:12:40,423 --> 00:12:41,722
to the museum today.
317
00:12:41,757 --> 00:12:43,157
Oh, it's no problem, Eddie.
318
00:12:43,192 --> 00:12:45,092
Um, maybe we can do it tomorrow.
319
00:12:45,128 --> 00:12:46,660
I'm afraid not.
320
00:12:46,696 --> 00:12:49,130
See, we seem to be
drifting into deeper waters,
321
00:12:49,165 --> 00:12:51,298
and I don't know if this old schooner
322
00:12:51,334 --> 00:12:53,100
is quite seaworthy anymore.
323
00:12:53,136 --> 00:12:54,668
Do you get what I'm saying?
324
00:12:54,704 --> 00:12:58,339
You're leaving on a boat?
325
00:12:58,374 --> 00:13:02,309
(Stammers) You're just
canceling plans for today, right?
326
00:13:02,345 --> 00:13:07,148
A relationship just isn't in
the cards for me right now.
327
00:13:07,183 --> 00:13:09,083
Please forgive me.
328
00:13:09,118 --> 00:13:10,351
Vanessa.
329
00:13:13,222 --> 00:13:16,023
Oh...
330
00:13:16,058 --> 00:13:19,160
Vanessa, I-I think I'd
like to go home now.
331
00:13:19,195 --> 00:13:21,328
No. I understand. We'll-we'll
just have lunch at the house.
332
00:13:21,364 --> 00:13:24,832
No. No. I mean home-home
to-to Connecticut.
333
00:13:24,867 --> 00:13:27,601
Well, uh... would you excuse me again?
334
00:13:27,637 --> 00:13:30,404
I-I just, uh, need to cancel
my tennis game with Theresa.
335
00:13:31,407 --> 00:13:33,374
Hey, Chuck.
336
00:13:33,409 --> 00:13:35,976
You go ahead. We already talked.
337
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,352
Mike: No, no, Ed.
338
00:13:43,388 --> 00:13:46,622
I don't want to go
see nude men with you.
339
00:13:46,657 --> 00:13:50,126
(Pants)
340
00:13:50,161 --> 00:13:51,861
Ed, you have got some nerve
341
00:13:51,896 --> 00:13:54,196
breaking up with my mother like that.
342
00:13:54,232 --> 00:13:56,332
Well, you said you wanted to
spend some more time with her.
343
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:59,201
Bananas.
344
00:13:59,237 --> 00:14:01,437
I didn't mean to dump her.
345
00:14:01,472 --> 00:14:03,472
When you said Bonnie thinks
that we're in a relationship,
346
00:14:03,508 --> 00:14:06,208
I thought maybe it's
time that I just step back
347
00:14:06,244 --> 00:14:08,144
- a little bit, you know?
- And why is that?
348
00:14:08,179 --> 00:14:09,612
Guys, could you please
take this someplace else?
349
00:14:09,647 --> 00:14:11,127
I don't want to get involved in this.
350
00:14:11,149 --> 00:14:13,949
Well, actually, you see,
she's too much like you.
351
00:14:13,985 --> 00:14:16,185
Okay. Now I'm involved. What the
hell is that supposed to mean?
352
00:14:16,220 --> 00:14:19,889
She's not the kind of woman
that you can have fun with.
353
00:14:19,924 --> 00:14:21,891
Mike and Vanessa: And what the
hell is that supposed to mean?
354
00:14:21,926 --> 00:14:23,292
Calm down.
355
00:14:23,327 --> 00:14:25,694
Bonnie, like you, is
a woman of substance.
356
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:28,330
The kind of women I date
are not as... as deep.
357
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,200
You mean younger?
358
00:14:31,235 --> 00:14:33,736
- Exactly.
- Ah.
359
00:14:33,771 --> 00:14:35,638
See, the kind of women I go out
with, th-th-they're interested
360
00:14:35,673 --> 00:14:37,673
in me for my money, and
I'm interested in them
361
00:14:37,708 --> 00:14:40,576
because they're young women.
362
00:14:40,611 --> 00:14:43,546
Oh. That's right, the
greatest generation.
363
00:14:43,581 --> 00:14:45,581
Uh-huh, you know what I think, Ed?
364
00:14:45,616 --> 00:14:47,316
I th... I think you're scared.
365
00:14:47,351 --> 00:14:49,685
I think you're scared to let someone in.
366
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:53,222
And that... that makes
me feel sorry for you.
367
00:14:55,726 --> 00:14:58,427
You're right, she's totally bananas.
368
00:14:58,463 --> 00:14:59,929
- Or she's got a point.
- Mm.
369
00:14:59,964 --> 00:15:01,997
Bonnie's a lot like Vanessa.
370
00:15:02,033 --> 00:15:03,399
You'd be lucky to have her.
371
00:15:05,570 --> 00:15:06,936
Bonnie.
372
00:15:11,542 --> 00:15:13,275
Good work.
373
00:15:13,311 --> 00:15:16,178
Just one thing. I noticed
that when you wrote "cosine,"
374
00:15:16,214 --> 00:15:19,014
you dotted your "I" with a daisy.
375
00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:21,851
I, uh, have a sister
who used to do that.
376
00:15:21,886 --> 00:15:24,887
Well, Kyle and I helped.
377
00:15:24,922 --> 00:15:28,057
And I like to give each
letter a little personality.
378
00:15:28,092 --> 00:15:30,626
Yeah, but Boyd was
with us the whole time.
379
00:15:30,661 --> 00:15:32,294
And when we finished the work,
380
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:34,463
he felt really good about himself.
381
00:15:34,499 --> 00:15:36,699
- I do feel good.
- Mm.
382
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:37,800
And isn't that what's important?
383
00:15:37,835 --> 00:15:39,568
Boyd, go to your room.
384
00:15:39,604 --> 00:15:42,605
Guess it isn't.
385
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,974
Let me guess, he had you
do all his homework for him
386
00:15:45,009 --> 00:15:47,142
because he said he was
too stupid to do it?
387
00:15:47,178 --> 00:15:50,079
Yeah. And gave you
his sad puppy dog eyes?
388
00:15:50,114 --> 00:15:53,949
How did you know? (Gasps)
Did you even go to Aspen?
389
00:15:53,985 --> 00:15:56,452
No. It's how he gets
out of doing things.
390
00:15:56,487 --> 00:15:57,987
Yeah, he's a bright kid, but, lately,
391
00:15:58,022 --> 00:16:00,089
he uses it to avoid doing work.
392
00:16:00,124 --> 00:16:02,391
Wow. You know, now
I'm starting to wonder
393
00:16:02,426 --> 00:16:04,059
if he really couldn't wash the dishes
394
00:16:04,095 --> 00:16:06,996
because he's "too sensitive to water."
395
00:16:07,031 --> 00:16:10,566
(Laughs) Yeah. Ryan
told me about your, uh,
396
00:16:10,601 --> 00:16:12,501
- "let's be friends" parenting theory.
- Yeah.
397
00:16:12,537 --> 00:16:14,069
Ryan: Rookie mistake, guys.
398
00:16:14,105 --> 00:16:15,838
Look, he has plenty
of friends, all right?
399
00:16:15,873 --> 00:16:17,473
We need to be his parents.
400
00:16:17,508 --> 00:16:19,508
It's not always fun,
but it's what he needs.
401
00:16:19,544 --> 00:16:22,511
Parenting is actually
harder than it looks.
402
00:16:22,547 --> 00:16:24,046
Like math.
403
00:16:26,217 --> 00:16:28,751
You might want to finish
checking those answers.
404
00:16:28,786 --> 00:16:30,486
No, Boyd will.
405
00:16:30,521 --> 00:16:32,421
And we will make sure he gets it right.
406
00:16:32,456 --> 00:16:34,523
Really? I'm so sorry.
407
00:16:34,559 --> 00:16:37,660
It's okay. You were trying to
help. And at the end of the day,
408
00:16:37,695 --> 00:16:41,263
(Mimics Vin Diesel): we're family.
409
00:16:41,299 --> 00:16:44,433
Can everybody do Vin Diesel?
410
00:16:44,468 --> 00:16:47,269
(Bad New York accent): "We're family."
411
00:16:47,305 --> 00:16:49,371
Family. We're family.
412
00:16:51,709 --> 00:16:53,609
Oh, Mom, do you have to leave?
413
00:16:53,644 --> 00:16:55,511
Oh, there's really nothing
to keep me here, dear.
414
00:16:55,546 --> 00:16:57,980
Wh-Wh-What does that
mean? I mean, Ed's gone,
415
00:16:58,015 --> 00:17:00,215
but we could spend more time together.
416
00:17:00,251 --> 00:17:03,285
I'm really surprised
to hear you say that.
417
00:17:03,321 --> 00:17:07,623
It-it seems like you always
need someone to be with us,
418
00:17:07,658 --> 00:17:11,226
like a... oh, I don't
know, like a buffer.
419
00:17:11,262 --> 00:17:14,029
(Scoffs) That's ridiculous.
420
00:17:14,065 --> 00:17:15,631
All right, all right. You...
421
00:17:15,666 --> 00:17:19,668
I-I-I just feel like
every time we're alone,
422
00:17:19,704 --> 00:17:21,870
all you do is judge me.
423
00:17:21,906 --> 00:17:25,240
You think I judge you?
424
00:17:25,276 --> 00:17:27,343
Y-Yeah, see? There. There.
That. That head tilt.
425
00:17:27,378 --> 00:17:29,578
Yeah. Every time you do it,
426
00:17:29,614 --> 00:17:32,414
I feel like that little girl
who lost the spelling bee.
427
00:17:32,450 --> 00:17:34,650
Huh? Vacuum has two "U" s?
428
00:17:34,685 --> 00:17:36,418
I mean, that's just weird.
429
00:17:37,922 --> 00:17:40,723
Sweetie, I have a vision imbalance.
430
00:17:40,758 --> 00:17:43,859
Tilting my head helps me
see straight. (Stammers)
431
00:17:43,894 --> 00:17:46,595
(Sighs) Wh-Why didn't
you tell me that before?
432
00:17:46,631 --> 00:17:48,664
I never know what to say to you.
433
00:17:48,699 --> 00:17:51,667
Whatever-whatever it is,
it-it's not interesting enough,
434
00:17:51,702 --> 00:17:53,035
or it's not smart enough.
435
00:17:53,070 --> 00:17:55,371
- Oh, that's just stupid.
- I just... I...
436
00:17:58,109 --> 00:18:00,376
Bad... bad choice of words.
437
00:18:00,411 --> 00:18:02,411
And-and you're always
taking these little shots.
438
00:18:02,446 --> 00:18:04,079
You know, putting me down.
439
00:18:04,115 --> 00:18:06,415
Mom, I don't do that
to be superior to you.
440
00:18:06,450 --> 00:18:07,916
I do that to hurt you.
441
00:18:07,952 --> 00:18:10,285
Oh.
442
00:18:12,390 --> 00:18:15,557
I'm just not great
with the talking today.
443
00:18:15,593 --> 00:18:19,561
Do you have any idea how
intimidating you can be?
444
00:18:19,597 --> 00:18:21,230
To you?
445
00:18:21,265 --> 00:18:22,731
Yeah. Yeah, you know,
446
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:24,800
one day, one day I'm
changing your diaper,
447
00:18:24,835 --> 00:18:27,636
and the next day you're this
accomplished woman with a PhD.
448
00:18:27,672 --> 00:18:30,439
And I only managed to go to
what? Two years of college.
449
00:18:30,474 --> 00:18:33,475
Mom, you-you are the first woman
450
00:18:33,511 --> 00:18:35,978
in our family ever to go to college.
451
00:18:36,013 --> 00:18:37,780
- Well...
- You...
452
00:18:37,815 --> 00:18:39,281
You've always been my role model.
453
00:18:39,316 --> 00:18:41,817
(Laughing): I have? Really?
454
00:18:41,852 --> 00:18:43,385
Yeah, really.
455
00:18:43,421 --> 00:18:47,122
Is that what you wanted to
talk about at the... at lunch?
456
00:18:47,158 --> 00:18:49,491
- Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- Oh.
457
00:18:49,527 --> 00:18:52,728
Might... might take a few
lunches to sort everything out.
458
00:18:52,763 --> 00:18:53,210
Yeah.
459
00:18:53,241 --> 00:18:55,914
You know, 'cause we... we have
been doing this for 30 years.
460
00:18:55,945 --> 00:18:57,029
Ten years.
461
00:18:59,537 --> 00:19:01,937
Well, it might take a few dinners, too.
462
00:19:01,972 --> 00:19:03,573
- I think so. -Yeah.
- (Knocking on door)
463
00:19:03,607 --> 00:19:05,741
- Oh.
- Oh.
464
00:19:05,776 --> 00:19:08,744
Permission to enter a house
full of strong, beautiful women?
465
00:19:08,779 --> 00:19:10,746
- Granted.
- Oh.
466
00:19:10,781 --> 00:19:12,681
Bonnie, my dear.
467
00:19:12,717 --> 00:19:14,650
I apologize for before.
468
00:19:14,685 --> 00:19:16,652
That's not the man I want to be.
469
00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:18,754
I would be so lucky to spend time
470
00:19:18,789 --> 00:19:21,123
with a woman of substance like yourself.
471
00:19:21,158 --> 00:19:24,026
Oh. W-Well, thank you.
472
00:19:24,061 --> 00:19:26,028
Th-Th-These are...
they're beautiful.
473
00:19:26,063 --> 00:19:28,664
- Just beautiful.
- Yes, Ed. Thank you.
474
00:19:28,699 --> 00:19:31,934
Perhaps we could go to a
museum tomorrow. Or dancing.
475
00:19:31,969 --> 00:19:34,329
Yeah. Yeah, that would be great.
Sure. You kids, you go. Go.
476
00:19:34,338 --> 00:19:36,939
Very tempting, but I-I think
477
00:19:36,974 --> 00:19:39,341
I'm going to spend the-the
day with my daughter.
478
00:19:39,376 --> 00:19:41,310
We have a lot to talk about.
479
00:19:41,345 --> 00:19:42,878
Yes, we do.
480
00:19:42,913 --> 00:19:44,680
But another time?
481
00:19:44,715 --> 00:19:46,348
Of course.
482
00:19:46,383 --> 00:19:50,853
You know, for years
I've admired this apple.
483
00:19:50,888 --> 00:19:53,822
Imagine my delight in
getting to know the tree.
484
00:20:04,835 --> 00:20:07,336
- He's lovely. He's just lovely.
- Yes.
485
00:20:07,371 --> 00:20:09,037
Well, well, well. (Grunts)
486
00:20:09,073 --> 00:20:11,073
Oh, now.
487
00:20:11,108 --> 00:20:13,509
What are we gonna do about these?
488
00:20:13,544 --> 00:20:15,110
Hmm.
489
00:20:17,081 --> 00:20:19,882
Ah. There. We made it better.
490
00:20:19,917 --> 00:20:23,118
- Aw. My baby.
- Oh, Mommy.
491
00:20:31,599 --> 00:20:34,267
Hey, Mike Baxter here for
Outdoor Man, with a word about
492
00:20:34,302 --> 00:20:37,737
the most powerful force ever
unleashed in the known universe:
493
00:20:37,772 --> 00:20:39,405
family.
494
00:20:39,441 --> 00:20:42,108
Yeah, there's a reason they
call it "nuclear family,"
495
00:20:42,143 --> 00:20:45,778
because only the people we love
can drop 50 megatons of guilt,
496
00:20:45,814 --> 00:20:49,449
resentment and judgment on us.
497
00:20:49,484 --> 00:20:52,552
And that's just at Christmas.
498
00:20:54,222 --> 00:20:57,423
Even so-called happy families
have one or two people
499
00:20:57,459 --> 00:20:59,792
at the table who are
basically just enriched uranium
500
00:20:59,828 --> 00:21:03,763
in search of
exploding-bridgewire detonators.
501
00:21:03,798 --> 00:21:07,033
I'm surprised I could even say that.
502
00:21:07,068 --> 00:21:09,402
They say, "Did you
enjoy the mushroom soup?
503
00:21:09,437 --> 00:21:13,573
Now enjoy a mushroom cloud
of emotional destruction."
504
00:21:13,608 --> 00:21:16,576
Of course, the mother
lode in any family is,
505
00:21:16,611 --> 00:21:19,278
well, of course, the mother.
506
00:21:19,314 --> 00:21:22,782
Who else can turn your soul
into an irradiated blast zone
507
00:21:22,817 --> 00:21:27,420
with a well-timed...
(Sighing): "I don't know. I..."
508
00:21:27,455 --> 00:21:29,989
I mean, that is pure mom mojo.
509
00:21:30,025 --> 00:21:32,825
There's a simple reason no
one can push your buttons
510
00:21:32,861 --> 00:21:35,061
quite like your mother:
she sewed them on!
511
00:21:35,111 --> 00:21:39,661
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