Original subtitles

starring

We tell women: your body is a battlefield!

We'll keep saying that until it's clear...

l don't know where to find the money!

l repeat: we can't close the school!

And a metaphor in general!

Konstanty Chmurski, son of Antoni...

- And Maria. - And Maria.

My name is Gebauer. Doctor Gebauer.

l am happy to say you passed all tests.

- Does it mean that...? - Yes.

You have been qualified.

You say... and l'd like to quote, that

''sadism is a part of men's desire to hurt others''.

- lt means you don't respect men... - l do! Don't put words in my mouth!

- You don't. You claim... - l claim...

that nothing will be put in our mouths ever again!

What? Virginity?

What can l do? An order from upstairs.

What about our agreement and my rally?

There must be some kind of pluralism.

Right, we all know you support pluralism.

Except your wife! Shall l tell her?

- You won't do it! - l don't care!

- You won't do this to Luna! - Wanna bet?

Catch you later! Bye!

Something happened?

- No, why? - l heard your raised voice...

lt's nothing.

You look like...

- like a goddess. - But you're an atheist.

l believe in you.

l believe in you, too.

The medicine tested is absolutely safe.

- No side effects? - You asked about that.

- And the uniform? - For hygienic reasons.

So?

Ah. Please remember everything that may seem...

Well, everything that may seem worth remembering.

Good God, our Lord,

Good God, our Lord, Good God, our Lord,

Don't embarrass yourself! Such beautiful music!

lt is crap. Total, bloody crap.

- You offend God! - Me?

You're my shepherd on green pastures.

You're my shepherd.

You're my shepherd on green hills.

You lead my feet through devil's anthills.

They can't pull my soul into the down, deep and narrow.

My soul approaches you quickly like an arrow.

You are.

Clap!

- Congratulations! - Thank you.

Delight to the soul, delight, delight!

On behalf of the ''Biba'' magazine, l'd like to say:

God bless you, Father editor.

Beautiful oratorio. Did you write the words, too?

My daddy.

- Equally ecstatic. - lndeed.

lt's the best thing l've ever seen.

Today's ceremony proves

that femininity is a matter of free choice.

Professor Katzowna, who after many years of international career

has come back to Poland.

No one else can show the power of the slogan:

''l am a woman, 'cause l want to!''

Let's give our guest a big hand!

''Polish Woman of the Year'', Professor Ryszarda Katzowna!

lt's a great...

- great honour. - Bravo!

l've been looking for you. l'm getting jealous.

The rally was my idea!

l should have been speaking!

l know, honey, but Katzowna is an icon.

A world-class authority.

Authoritess.

l'd do anything for you! And you treat me like a Barbie doll.

But why...

Why do you say so? You know that l love you!

- That... - Hi, Klara.

Hi, Luna.

l want to go home.

Konstanty, we'd like to talk with you.

l'm not writing a second part or anything else!

- No! That's the end! - He'll be the death of me!

Leon, calm down, please.

Kostus, we really need to talk! lt's terribly important!

For our whole family!

Here's our star. Can you say a few words?

When are you going to write the second part?

Taxi's waiting.

- What? - l've got to go.

Artist.

Norbert, remember about my virgins?

- Yes, but l won't make it. - Why?

The bosses say you're too often in my programs, Father.

Norbert!

You know l'd do anything for you, Father.

- Have we moved? - l'll just leave the materials!

Kick his ass for me.

Far away from here.

Side effects.

Hi!

Why's this lesbian here?

You side with the Holy Joes.

- How's Luna? - For you: she isn't!

Tomorrow morning! Don't be late!

DlRECTOR

THE PERFECT GUY FOR MY GlRLFRlEND

THE NEXT DAY

Free Polish woman! Free woman! Free woman!

Let's ask this question aloud:

- Was Pilsudski a hermit? - No!

Did he draw his energy to live, his will to act,

his faith in sacrifice only from himself?

No!

So why is he standing here all alone?

l'm here, Lord, as you called me! l'm here, Lord, as you called me!

Do you want to devote to God your life in virginity?

l do!

Do you want to be devoted to our Lord, Jesus Christ?

l do!

Today's ceremony feels a bit like a wedding,

only the bridegroom is invisible.

Did you visit your father's grave?

No, mum. l didn't manage.

- You're a bad son. - Don't say that!

l've brought you oranges.

Leonarda Lewandowska! Made the exile less of a burden for the chief.

When he didn't need her, he cheated on her and described it in a letter!

She committed suicide!

Maria Juszkiewicz!

Had to accept him having a lover for 1 4 years,

with whom Jozef Pilsudski had two kids.

When she died, he didn't even go to her funeral!

These modest girls have offered their virginity to God

and in a moment they'll set off to Czestochowa, they're the hope

of our homeland, ravaged by the liberal hedonism!

Our pilgrimage isn't an oddity,

but an important sign of evangelical values.

We want virginity to emanate from the stilts to the whole country.

Whom would Jozef Pilsudski be without these women?

Without their love, devotion, affection and care?

What would Poland be like without them?

How many more anonymous women

devoted their life so that their men could

selfishly build themselves monuments?!

We won't forget about them, no matter how many there are!

- Free woman! - Always a virgin!

- Free woman! - Always a virgin!

Eugenia Lewicka!

was with Pilsudski for six years!

She was found poisoned months after

returning from Madeira, where they vacationed.

l didn't think l'd see him again.

We should do something.

We're going bust? You said it went great.

No. The pits!

An oozy pit which sucks us in!

And all the success? Feminist Academy, today's rally...

lt was just a bull for the media! Reporters shoot photos and that's it!

- The Academy has a 1 .5m debt! - ln Zlotys?

Euros!

l came to teach here. You promised.

l'm sorry.

- lt's me! Me! Norbert! - l know.

- You'll strangle me! - l hope so!

- Wait, Luna! - Get lost!

- We need to talk. lt's important. - So it can't be

- about you and me. - lt's not about us. l mean...

it is about us, yet not us now, but us then.

Though us now in a way too.

What was l thinking? You are retarded.

lt's really important. l need 5 minutes.

- Then you may strangle me. - OK, it's a deal.

Where did you get it?

l got it in an email.

- lt must be Klara. - l don't care what you think!

- Threatened to tell my wife. - She's not you.

- lsn't she? - She's got balls.

- Then you've go no luck with men. - Your time's over.

But l still love you, Luna.

- You're pathetic! - l know.

Go home. To your kids.

l'm sending you an email. l'll be there soon.

Poor quality. lt can't have been done by a professional.

An amateur.

- A lover of your beauty. - l'd like to thank him then.

lt won't be difficult.

Projection of the buildings. Let's call yours Alpha.

The opposite one - Beta.

The distance between the buildings - 7 4 metres.

Taking into account the distance,

height, the camera setting, etc.

lt is clear that...

you were filmed from the flat on 6th floor. Voila!

Thanks, Szymon.

Pity you left the army.

- l'm better now. - Don't believe you.

Say hello to Ania.

That'll be difficult. She moved out.

- So l heard. - So you heard?

l moved out 2 days earlier. Neighbours told me.

Are you crazy? Such a good marriage.

Harder to stand.

Hello.

Hi. ls this you flat?

Yes.

Mum! Mummy! l'm scared! Mum!

Mummy! l am scared!

Mum!

Auntie? Why are you here?

She called me.

ls she gone?

No. She's waiting for you to wake up.

Leave it!

lt's not her!

- Not her? - No.

You see? He's not well.

''He's not well''. Why are you here?

- We arranged this. - We didn't!

l came to talk about the recording, and you were lying in the hall.

- What happened here? - Nothing.

- l fainted. - Call the doctor?

- Aunt is enough. - Don't be so unkind.

- Kasia and l are worried. - ''Kasia and l''?

You always said she's dumb.

- l never said you're dumb. - lt doesn't matter now.

You still love him, don't you?

Good night.

- Hallo? - Hello, Teresa Wodzien.

- Didn't l wake you up? - No, l've been reading.

- Something happened? - Yes.

- Didn't l wake your wife? - For God's sake!

- lt's late! - lt's the boss, you know he's crazy!

My brother asked me to call. And ask if you liked the film.

- What film? - The one he didn't like so much.

From the email. He's really worried.

Worried about you, about your wife.

And he's most worried that you aren't... if l may say so...

flexible.

He would be a lot happier if you were a little bit more

- flexible. - l'll be flexible!

l'll be fucking flexible!

During the break, when you were praying,

l talked to our guest about virginity.

Can you please repeat what you said?

Dear Father, l thought to myself that

virginity is a privilege, as thanks to it,

we can serve God with greater zealousness.

Serve God with greater zealousness. Exactly.

Do you like fast rides?

- ln what sense? - Automotive, what else?

Yes, l do! l like it a lot!

We'll come back to it, and now let's hear Father Kajetan,

who's accompanying our virgins

in their stilty pilgrimage to the Black Madonna.

Hello, Father Kajetan!

Hello! l hope you can hear me, because...

l can't hear you at all!

Hello, Father Kajetan!

Hello studio!

Hello!

So maybe l'll describe it! We're quite near!

l'll try to catch some, some pilgrim in a minute!

The line's gone dead.

We have some difficulties, but we'll try to get connected next time.

OK, OK, tell Uncle l'll be there.

l'm not avoiding him! No...

nothing happened.

Auntie, it's just a black eye. l will be all right!

l have to go now.

l've got to go! Bye!

Thank you for the monument campaign.

- No problem. - lt's important!

Thanks to it our power and determination are more visible.

Thanks to you we're stronger. Much stronger.

Careful, you're embarrassing me.

lt's you who should be speaking, but Klara insisted.

She was right. Nobody would listen to me.

You're our icon. Our pope.

- Popess. - Sorry! Our popess.

The most relentless pilgrim, as we know,

was our pope. Unfortunately, he's gone.

What about the need for pilgrimage?

ls it needed today? lf so, why?

l think it is. Because...

l think so, too. But it might happen that

the lofty effort will suddenly be stopped.

By a drunk motorcyclist! Or a truck driver

who runs into a group of zealous girls on stilts,

and spills their virgin blood on the road full of ruts!

Yeah.

Of course, we trust our Lord that it won't happen!

But we all know how terrible our roads are.

How many innocent people die due to this. Doesn't it scare you?

- lt does. - Would you like to

hear next time that our hard working pilgrim virgins are dead?

And only because the road somewhere was uneven?

- l wouldn't. - So, can l count on

your support for our campaign for better road safety?

With all my heart and so help me God!

- You should be an actress. - Excuse me?

- You should have a career. - Don't make fun of me.

l'm serious. Have you thought of acting?

ln the past, like every little girl.

Brilliant, strong, beautiful. Perfect!

You must try acting in films! Women would identify with you.

- Please... - l'm serious!

- l'd like to be like you. - You're Woman of the Year.

And you - of the century. lf l were a woman. l mean...

if l were a younger woman...

- How long have you been with us? - 1 8 months.

- l ask about... - Also 1 8 months!

Don't you miss...?

- Men? No, not at all! - Great! Fantastic!

Men are an appendix. Redundant, but can hurt.

- So it must be cut out! - Yes, right!

lf it hurts!

Good!

Bon appetit!

ls that your father?

No.

Mother?

- l didn't invite you. - l didn't invite you either.

There must be some explanation.

- Side effects. - Right!

- Kostek. - l'm disgusted with what you did.

- Long name, but pretty. - You're disgusting.

l took to you at once, too. What have l done?

- You know what. - Not at all.

- You're really disgusting. - Great.

What will you have?

- Nothing. - The same for me, with ice.

l'm coming! Cool it!

See you next time.

l keep mine in line, too.

Your insightful reflection is extremely interesting.

- l hope it'll be handy. - Awfully handy.

- Did you see a specialist? - About this? lt's nothing.

l slipped on soap. Liquid soap.

Soap is like that.

And this?

This? Mother.

- Your mother? - My child's mother.

- You have a child? - No. But l want to.

Good idea, children are so sweet.

How long have you been together?

To be honest, we aren't. And she doesn't even like me.

So why do you say that she'll be the mother of your child?

- She's the one. - Right...

Yes. lt's obvious.

- Shall we? - l am ready.

What? Why are you in Peru?

They'll cut off our electricity next week, bitch!

ls your period late?

lt's the last time l've chosen an accountant because of nice tits!

The bitch has run away and buried us alive.

We're dead!

Deadess!

Dead!

Shit, there's no feminine form!

Have more faith, son. l bring you resurrection.

- You've been drinking? - l'm drunk with happiness.

We've got 2 million euros.

l mean...

We may have!

Now something for our MP.

lt's my Boguchwala!

A beautiful Polish town, which you represent.

- Let's see some more photos. - l know him!

Heniek's mate's son-in-law! Kowaluk!

Exactly.

Every person has his own name and his own history.

- How many inhabitants are there? - Around five thousand.

Five thousand. Nice.

- What if they all disappeared? - What do you mean?

But how?

- What do you mean? How? - Like this!

This is what happens in Poland!

Over five thousand people disappear every year.

We all know this sign.

Black spot!

A place on the road where there are many road accidents.

Does it fulfill its role?

lf five thousand people die there every year?

Poles are a great and wise people.

But to lose so many sons and daughters

is to rub salt in the wounds.

Always a Virgin Radio has decided to stop this.

Black spot is a good initiative,

but a wrong concept.

The sign has no power,

no tradition, no spirituals value,

is not ingrained in our hearts. Ergo -

it's impractical. Nobody obeys it!

That's why we have something completely different.

JESUS SAYS: SLOW DOWN!

Brilliant, isn't it?

l talked to the sisters from Scandinavia!

They're ready to give us the money! But we must hurry,

as the Czechs submitted a project!

Have you gone out of our mind? lt's degrading and humiliating!

lt'll be degrading and humiliating

when they finally close your school, honey!

All feminists, even the Vatican ones, will laugh at you.

- l find pornography disgusting! - Not pornography but a revolution!

Prometheus gave men fire and they put it in their genital torches

making women draw their passion!

The time has come for

these flabby torches to be...

put out!

Down with z patriarchal eroticism!

Marquise de Sade for ever!

95 per cent of Poles are catholic.

Jesus is for them not only Son of God and the Saviour, but also Rabbi.

Who?

The teacher.

- The best teacher! - Well, yes, this yes!

Whom would the Poles

would listen to more than the best teacher?

We aren't so nad've to believe that the death rate

will drop by the mentioned 95 per cent.

But the number of people saved will be immense.

Unless...

the Polish Parliament turn their backs on Jesus.

They won't, Father Editor, they won't!

- So help us God! - And Rabbi!

No, no and no! Anyone, but her!

We have no choice! Our other sisters are feminists, but...

- they don't have film looks! - Let's hire a porn star!

She must be an activist or we won't get the subsidy!

This is the basic condition! Two million Euros for

a porn feminist manifesto in which,

showing conscious immodesty, one of us will act!

lt'll be a banner, Klara! With a conscious, feminist vagina!

- Her vagina belongs to me! - You talk like a man.

l talk like someone who loves! Luna is only mine!

Two million Euros, Klara!

- The end of our problems! - No!

Are you nuts? You want me to play in a porn film?

One should rise above her egotism.

So may l be fucked on the big screen?

- Don't vulgarize the discourse! - l don't!

You always said porn humiliated women!

l still do! This time it's not about porn made by men for men,

but about freeing women's sexual desires!

To stop looking at ourselves with a male eye.

Thank you.

Please, honey,

female sexuality has long been the subject of male censorship!

Now is the time for us to tell our story.

So l'm sorry you call my offer a porno!

Because it is a great, groundbreaking mission! Just like...

Columbus' expedition!

Columbus had 3 ships, he didn't travel with his ass!

What can l do? He paid for the whole semester.

- But my course is for women! - Yeah, l know!

But he said he'd been attacked!

ln his home. And that he has fears.

The rector said we should take everyone. Budget deficit!

Today's topic is: Defence against a psychopath.

- lt was to be against a rapist. - lt's an extended version.

Defence against a psychopath rapist.

First, a demo. We'll need a man. Maybe you?

- Why me? - Why not?

- l don't want to be a man! - So, maybe you!

- Neither do l! - What a pity.

Listen, it's supposed to be a training!

ls there anyone here who wants to be a man?

Do you remember the key points?

OK, l'll repeat, but this time slowly.

Can you stand up?

He attacks from behind, grabs your hair and pulls.

Your body's not prepared for the attack, so the head

will naturally be pulled, and then the body.

Can you hold me like a man?

Make a turn and immediately strongly attack the crotch.

Observe the aggressor. He moves back his hips and you attack his head.

The head goes back, kick him in the crotch.

The hands control the attacker. Remember to

move back your leg, so that the attacker doesn't grab it.

Then you change the legs and trip him up!

Remember to scan the surroundings. Look, from here l may escape.

- Make a lever. - Ou-ouch!

Or destroy him!

Now l'll show you again at full speed.

- Get up! - Do l have to?

- Coffee? - l don't drink coffee!

- And tea? - l won't date you!

- Green tea? - Do all men have to be so dumb?

l'm gay! l have a girlfriend! We love each other!

What about yoghurt?

How's the girl?

- Fantastic. - lt's good!

Our work goes well, too.

Blood, urine, liver, kidneys, pancreas.

Complete tolerance to the drug.

- Now what? - Bigger doses.

Do you agree?

- Yes, yes. - So,

then please sign this document.

This one, here.

l'm so happy!

THE NEXT DAY

Fear it, Ophelia,

fear it, my dear sister;

The canker galls the infants of the spring,

Too oft before their buttons be disclosed;

And in the morn and liquid dew of youth,

Contagious blastments are most imminent.

l shall the effect of this good lesson keep,

As watchman to my heart, my sister, Laerta.

Bravo!

Hamlet destroying the love of Polonius' daughters!

- Great! - Oh, yes! As a pikestaff,

archetype of male struggle against homosexuality and incest!

- Finally a modern Shakespeare! - Thanks.

Through them l want to show the creative role

of female libido in the conversion of the macho paradigm!

Oh, yes.

We've seen your ''Vagina'' and loved it.

- Yes, really deep. - Sensitive.

Well-deserved Lions in Gdynia. Was it your last film?

- Last year l made ''Vagina's Return''. - You did?

- l can't find a distributor. - Seriously?

There's no place for such films. The viewers are getting boorish.

That's why l'm back at the theatre.

- Here are my roots. - You shouldn't give up.

l'm not. Only Shakespeare and theatre count for me now.

- You can't waste your talent! - There's only Shakespeare.

- You must make a film! - Definitely! This year even!

This month.

Next week!

What are you up to?

Do you think she'll agree?

lnga Wawras?

For the money we offered her, she'd act naked

even in ''Strictly Come Dancing''!

Come, we deserve a reward.

lMPRUDENT AND UNROMANTlC

l DESERVE EVERYTHlNG KOSTEK

Liberals with devilish smiles try to make us believe, and in what?

That the Chinese will build Polish roads?

Always a Virgin Radio boldly says ''no''!

THREE DAYS LATER

Now what?

- lnga Wawras, hello? - Where are you? We're waiting!

- Unfortunately, l must refuse. - Refuse?

We have a mob of males who came to show you their penises!

You can't refuse now!

l understand, but l've thought it over and l'm not ready!

We had an agreement!

l've got only Shakespeare on my mind.

- He fills my whole inner space! - You'll lose 50 thousand euros.

Shakespeare's worth poverty.

Ok, l double the rate.

Ok, see you in ten minutes.

Hello.

- You've played in an erotic movie. - Yes, twice.

Once with Goldie Amato, then with Blondie Bluetooth.

- Were they English? - They were sheep.

- Thank you. - l worked as an extra in

- ''Lethal locks'', ''Vengeful Sweater''... - Next please.

- ''Goat cheese'', ''Bloody bleat''... - Next please.

- Where's mum? - On a walk with Teresa.

- You said you're 23. - Yes.

- But it isn't true. - No.

- So, how old are you? - 22.

- What's this? - Oratorio contract.

Don't you get it? l won't compose ever again.

Read it carefully.

''All the profits will be transferred to

Neuropsychiatric Hospital of St Mehtilda''. Here.

Yes, here. Go on.

''To improve the quality of life of its residents''.

So, also your mother.

lt's not as spectacular as testing psychiatric drugs,

but it might do some good.

l don't know what to say.

lt's my radio's obligation,

to assign 1 00 thousand Zlotys to the same cause.

As long as you write the second part of this damned...

- Oratorio. - Why do you do that?

l believe that in this evil world

you still can do some good.

So, agreed?

Agreed.

Mum!

- How was it? - l'm tired.

We went as far as the pond.

Kostek! Come here! We need to sign it!

- We've already signed. - But two,

and we need four, two for each side.

lt's an important contract.

- Where did you get your PhD? - At Heidelberg.

Before, l studied in Cambridge, Rome and Vienna.

- And 6 months in Tokio. - Excuse me, but out of curiosity:

what is a philosopher looking for in a porn film?

l love to shag.

Thank you.

You won't make this with me? So who will?

l don't care!

- Why? - And do you care about me?

- We shouldn't mix life and business. - l just quit here,

- l'll be a film sound producer. - Congratulations. Who hired you?

lnga Wawras.

She only works with Paciorkowski.

- He doesn't meet the standards. - He's the best.

- But he's not a lesbian. - True.

- Neither are you. - l am - for this production.

Listen,

- what production is it? - l can't tell you.

OK, but it's a secret. A feminist erotic movie.

- lt's porn! - lt's not porn.

Ambitious porn. lnga says we'll take it to Cannes!

She always says so. You really want to do a porno?

You need to start somehow.

l'm fed up with my work. l need a change or l'll go mad.

- When will you start? - No idea.

They're still casting the male lead.

- l'd never agree. - Nobody's offering.

l might consider such an offer. lt could be interesting.

- So enter yourself. - l might. But the main female part

is already taken. By some krav-maga instructor.

l've had enough.

- ls everything all right? - Yes.

- You wanted to kill me. - For a moment.

Honey? Come here quickly!

l have a guy for you! He's perfect!

Did you hear? Perfect!

- We're waiting, bye! - Bye.

Sometimes l don't understand my woman.

Welcome to the club.

- No! Just because. - lt's not an argument.

- l don't care! - You're not in the army!

- l don't like him. - Why?

He's quite nice, good-looking, clean... Perfect!

- How do you know a perfect man? - No homophobia.

l'm sorry.

lf he's so perfect, aren't you afraid that... You know.

- With him? He's gay! - He's not gay!

He is, honey! l wouldn't recognize a gay guy?

Come!

No way! lt's madness.

- You exaggerate. - No. You're mad! You're sick!

l'm not asking for an opinion but for your help.

What? You want me to help you get her off? Or help her get you off?

Be discreet. l told them l'm gay.

l had to, otherwise l wouldn't have the job.

You'll fuck for money, you whore! l can't look at it!

- You want to work in a porn. - Without my boyfriend.

- Ex-boyfriend. - An ex who's fucking crazy!

How long can you wait?

- l need money. - Bullshit!

lf you did, you wouldn't give up composing.

ls it about sex? Are you looking for thrills?

Not exactly.

- Do you like being watched? - lt's complicated.

Don't be ashamed. Shame takes away the joy.

You need to get rid of it, standard-wise.

- lt's a simplification. - lf you like being watched...

- No... - l can suck you off right here.

- How nicely they argue about music. - You see.

And they say that the youth don't care.

How beautiful you are,

My darling!

How pleasing you are! How pleasing!

How pleasing you are! How pleasing!

You have stolen my heart,

You have stolen my heart,

With one single glance of your eyes!

How pleasing you are! How pleasing!

Your lips drop sweetness As the honeycomb.

Your teeth are like a flock of sheep Coming up from the washing.

Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon.

And your mouth is like the best wine

Flowing down the palate!

Stop! Wait, l'll help you! Wait!

l can't do it myself! Help me! She's lying here!

And l could be doing Shakespeare! Enough!

THREE DAYS LATER

Referring to the reducing experience of male pornography,

we approached our work too mechanistically!

lt was a mistake! Fortunately, not everything is lost!

The Sejm has just passed the bill on the exchange of the ''black spot'' signs.

The bill will go to the Senate and then to the President.

Well!

Let's thank God for this momentous day!

What are you doing?

Champagne!

We need to realize that

female desire doesn't speak the same language as the male one.

Women are driven by archaic and prelogical impulses

And their sexuality seems to remember the mythical Eden -

destroyed by male civilization

built on the alliance of logic and the phallus.

l'd like to inform that Father Editor's foundation

has received an order for 1 ,600

- warning signs. - Oh God. So fast?

- Aren't you going to put out a tender? - We are!

l just wanted to tell you that you've won.

Great news, l'm glad that it is you who

announces it like archangel Gabriel. God bless you!

And you too!

To 1 ,600 signs - 1 0,000 zlotys each!

1 6 million!

- When we will see them? - Right away!

The signs will be ready in 2 weeks,

assembly and transport - a week, that's it!

And it's just the beginning!

Next year we'll be the biggest Catholic radio in Poland!

Those old farts from Torun can go fly a kite!

l don't know, Leon.

- They are everywhere. - We will also be everywhere!

Wherever there's a speed limit. Can you imagine?

Thousands of signs! Thousands of Jesuses

with our radio's logo! Or even millions!

We will get additional 1 0 thousand for each Jesus!

lf this goes through eventually, they will have to make you a bishop.

lf?

lt will work out!

This plan is...

ingenious!

The penis and the eye!

Those 2 organs rule the world of male pornography.

The eye's even more dangerous.

Women don't associate desire with the visible.

lt's easier for them as female organs are

hidden in the boxes of their bodies.

l can't talk, l'm at a lecture.

- Are you lecturing? - No, later. Now l'm listening.

Did you like the oratorio? Great!

Yes, l'll drop in later, bye!

Before we start shooting.

Before the shooting we need to look inside us

to find the female spontaneity and primeval nature.

We'll draw from mystical experiences of Brook,

and Grotowski!

So above all - rehearsals, rehearsals, rehearsals

- and inner ''searching''. - To make a film in which

female libido will be opened to the images of inner fantasy.

Reinventing the symbolism of female organs.

Best described through water metaphors like the spring.

- The river. - The sea.

Or a prosperous water park!

lf it chips in towards the budget.

- You must be crazy! - Don't speak like that!

l thought you wanted to talk about the oratorio!

- We do. - And?

- lt's not good. - Not good? lt's my best piece!

The music's all right, but the words are... impossible. They're too...

- how to put it... - Naughty.

- Exactly! - lt's Song of Songs, from the Bible!

This part of the Bible is not talked about on our radio.

And money for the sick?

You have my word! You'll get even more!

- Much more! - But not for the oratorio.

- But it's my best piece! - ls it important?

Right.

You said you were going to give up composing.

Kostus.

Kostus...

agree, please.

- lt's best for all of us. - lt's sick! No way!

- You'll get 25 per cent. - That's four million.

l'll donate another 4 million for the treatment.

Well...

But we are completely not alike.

You will be.

So, will you be Jesus?

On every street in Poland?

Maybe we should reduce the dosage?

SWEDEN

FOUDATlON

MONEY

PARLlAMENT

FOUNDATlON

MONEY

No!

Libido!

Gentleness!

Blood!

Sex!

Foremother!

Foremother!

You help me!

Hug it.

- What are you doing, son? - What?

- Did you strain yourself? - Yes, a little bit.

The sushi's so good.

From the best place in town. l'll take you there.

l visited my father's grave. l took some flowers and l thought we

- could get him a marble tombstone? - He wasn't your father.

What?

The man...

you're talking about was not your father.

- What are you telling me? - The truth.

Antoni Chmurski was not your father, Kostek.

So who was?

You have passed all the tests. You have been qualified.

Hi, Luna! We were just talking about new exercises.

ln vocal emission.

l wanted to talk about that. Can you leave us alone?

How could you announce in public l don't scream during climax?!

- l didn't. - Don't lie!

lt just came up.

By itself? You discuss my orgasms with a stranger?

- Mine. With the director. - She doesn't have to know everything!

You're too closed.

- She wants to open you up. - Making me lick a cow's liver?!

lnga says licking raw meat helps you open up!

- lt's bullshit! - You're being vulgar and aggressive.

Surprised? My girlfriend pimps me out for money!

We need it! We can't let our movement die!

- Women need us! - They can do without seeing

- me make love to Kostek. - Make love?

- l don't have to? - lt must be controlled sex.

Just like ours?

Orgasm specialist, right?

Oh, Jesus!

No, no, no! Wrong again! Concentrate, Luna!

- l'm trying! - You're not!

- But the beginning was good? - Yes. Phase one - correct...

but in the climax - disaster. You screamed ''e!''

Do you see any ''e!'' here?

Everyone may experience orgasm differently.

ln private! But not on camera.

The film should reflect an average European female orgasm.

How do you know how European women scream?

From Svenska Feministforbundet!

- What? - Swedish Feminist Association!

Research proves that an average European female moan is:

There's no ''e!'', not mentioning ''Oh, Jesus''!

- Why did you shout ''Oh, Jesus''? - Jeez, just escaped my lips!

lt can't ''just escape''.

lt's secular porn. Free from religious miasma.

You work for a secular television, free from...

- religious miasma! - Religious miasma!

lt's more complicated than it looks, sir.

Make a programme about my new film or l tell your wife.

Thank you, l will. Regards for your wife, too.

Don't piss me off! Where are you?

At ''Half Serious''. l'll call you later.

Go there and pin the rat.

Norbert!

l'm serious! lt's a matter of life and death.

So maybe you show us an optimal European orgasm.

Here you are.

Or not.

l've got a better idea.

Yes. Yes!

ls it good?

lgnore the male voice. Just some noise.

- How could you?! - You scared me!

- You recorded us making love? - Just an exercise.

- Exercise? - Sound practice.

You're crazy!

Daftness runs in your family, careful what you say.

- And nasty! Don't say such things! - l'm nasty?

l'm nasty? l looked after you at uni!

l patiently stood your fucking fears and hysterics!

''l'm great, l suck, l will, l won't...''

So self-absorbed. Never thought about me.

- l did. - Right, when you wanted to shag me!

l mean work.

You think l work at a recording studio because l like it?

l always liked the film. But no,

l got hired at this studio

to produce fantastic pieces of my brilliant boyfriend,

whom l loved and who didn't love me!

- l wanted to. - To hell with ''wanted''!

You can't extort love. lt's like a thunder, unpredictable.

A thunder? How do you know that?

You are scared of thunderstorms.

Not anymore. l mean...

Not so much.

Exactly on the same day

our pilgrims on stilts enter Czestochowa.

Leon asked to tell you that he can't imagine

a lack of report about this momentous occasion.

Am l boring you?

No, of course not!

But why hurry so much?

- What? - Despite the declaration,

the motorway construction plan is still in its infancy.

- l don't understand. - Well, if so,

then for the next few years our roads won't be safer.

Don't get hysterical, there'll be lots of dead bodies.

- What are you talking about? - There's no need to rush.

l will make a programme about something else,

and we'll come back to the ''Jesus Asks'' campaign next week.

Are you even listening? lt's about the pilgrim virgins!

Their entrance to Czestochowa is connected with the campaign.

l don't want to be in your shoes if it doesn't work out.

Angry Leon can be very...

How much...?

- Mayhem. - Well, a lot, then.

Oh, no.

He spoiled it. Stepped in and spoiled it.

Father Wakary will tell us about

natural methods for flagellation wound disinfection.

But first let's listen to the number one piece,

''Virgin Oratorio'' by Konstanty Chmurski.

While listening, please say a short prayer

for the seven virgins, who are heading for Czestochowa,

to thank Our Lady of Jasna Gora for their marriage to her beloved Son.

- l hate this piece. - But people love it.

Teresa, why are you so sad? What happened?

Nothing.

- Plesica made problems? - No, he agreed to everything.

He'll make the programme we tell him to. Don't worry.

- Father Leon Wodzien. - Boss, it's not like you said.

- ln what sense? - We don't have 7 virgins.

- Six? - Well, fewer...

- Four? - Fewer...

How many?

- One. - What?

- But there were seven! - l know, but...

2 had a sunstroke, 3 ran away, one lost her faith. So there's only one.

She has to get there!

l don't care how. She has to! You're in charge of that!

Amen.

Forever and ever.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Everything's just fine.

- And the agreement? - What agreement?

Ours. You promised me 4 million. We need to sign.

Right. We will. We always do.

You know, when l look at you, l must say you take after him a bit.

- Uncle, please... - Teresa!

- Come on, he does look like him. - What?

Yes, yes. Perfect.

You see?

Perfect!

Sorry, sweetheart.

l know it's a difficult moment for you.

The film, the preparations, the stress...

You may think l don't support you. But l do.

l am with you at all times.

Even when l am not with you. Physically, l mean.

l will always be with you because l'm very much...

in love you!

Listen...

- Remember what you said about Kostek? - l said so many things about him.

At the beginning. That he was the perfect guy for me.

l remember that.

- You really think so? - Well, yes.

He is handsome...

Nice...

Bright... For a man, of course.

- Do you want to tell me something? - l'm not sure.

Please. l beg you. Not now!

- Not this late! - But...

l can't find anyone else now. Too late.

He's staying.

- Are you nuts? - Please call me Rysia.

- Or Ryszarda. - Ryszarda, l disagree!

- The director says it's a must! - No, no, no! l resign!

l agreed to have my cock shaved. That's it!

- Can you explain this? - He'd rather die than have a pedicure.

- What pedicure? - lt's lnga's idea!

lnga said she'd never let him on the set with rough heels!

- He'll scratch her treacle. - What treacle?

- Beetroot treacle. - Are you crazy?

Can't l leave you alone for five minutes?

We are not interested in his heels. Go and bring him back!

Kostek!

- You find it funny? - Sorry.

We're almost ready! The lips are most important.

The lips of Mother Earth.

You do everything on the lips. Brilliant, isn't it?

A small masterpiece.

- But the lips are sticky. - lt's beetroot treacle!

- l don't want to lie there naked. - The treacle's essential!

- Tell her! - Well, if lnga says so...

Definitely! During sex we'll be sprinkling, from up here,

water, all over you! But don't worry. Warm water.

When the water starts dissolving the lips,

without stopping, you will sink in,

as the treacle dissolves, into the entrails of Mother Earth.

- Unification with nature! - What do l do before l sink in?

Whatever you want. Sucking, licking, penetration.

Don't make me tell you how to fuck. Don't you know it yourself?

Sit here and wait.

- No pedicure! - Okay!

- There'll be no pedicure! - Promise?

l promise.

Don't be so nervous. Concentration is key!

- l'm not sure. - Concentrate and it'll be great.

- How could l have agreed to do this? - To be honest, l have no idea.

Since you've agreed, l want to tell you that

since l first saw you, l knew you were...

- Perfect, l know. - No, it's not that.

l don't know how to put this.

But l'm happy l met you.

Remember!

Concentration.

Concentration.

lt's only 5 minutes!

No way! The programme's about the virgins in Czestochowa.

- This can't be combined with a porno! - l don't want to.

Actors enter the studio in a cake and you say you'll get back to the topic.

You've gone out of your mind.

But my Swedish investors are coming! Without you l might not get the money!

Sorry, Klara, it's your problem. Don't call me when l'm working.

Am l disturbing you?

Concentration. Concentration. Concentration...

Concentration....

You can do with me whatever you want, but

don't dare kiss me on the lips!

Concentration's over.

- How's your hysterics? - Vanished.

Good! l've brought you a pedicurist.

- But Rysia promised. - Kostek, show some professionalism!

- You can't fool me, doctor. - Doctor?

- Yet another level of the test? - Test?

This stage is redundant. l can do without.

l don't quite understand. You can do without?

Without drugs.

What can you do without them?

This.

1 0 DAYS BEFORE

Look up, at the sky. From underneath.

Now one hand. Don't cover your face! Good!

Fantastic! Bravo!

Very, very good! l think we have it!

You were great! Perfect!

Right, Leon? Praise him at least once.

Boy, how are you sitting! Sorry, he's always like that.

There's someone here who would like to meet you.

- My nephew. Father Gracjan. - l heard a lot about you.

lt was brilliant!. Honestly, l'm impressed!

But l don't know what you are talking about.

lt's over, doctor! Stop this idiotic farce!

And? l'm a bitch, aren't l?

What are you doing?

You swine!

Kostek, please, stop her! Luna!

Luna! She means nothing to me! Stop her!

l pray to you, God, may my mum and uncle be healthy.

- Uncle, is Auntie my mum now? - Yes.

Mummy! l'm scared!

Kostek, come here! We need to sign it!

We've already signed it.

Come here! We need to sign it!

- We've already signed it. - But 2, and we need 4.

How could you deprive him of the rights to his own image!

- Just protecting our interests. - By swapping the contracts?

Leon!

- You can't do good doing evil! - Don't give me platitudes!

l've been saying them for 40 years in homilies.

God...

- You're so cynical! - Pragmatic!

Kostus believed you so!

He trusted you!

- He loved you like a father! - And l loved him!

l still love him! But he disappointed me!

- He was too weak! - You promised him the money!

You know it's not only... about money!

The world is sick and evil! People bathe in sin and immorality!

They worship false idols and slight the true God!

lf we are to build an empire which will oppose it all,

we can't leave its fate with an emotionally unstable lunatic.

- Kostus is not a lunatic! - He is. Just like his mother!

And the father too!

You know well that this isn't his fault.

l know.

l know.

As his uncle, who brought him up, l feel sorry for him.

But as the president of a radio station with a mission

l can do only one thing:

cut him off, like dead weight.

Otherwise we will never take off.

Daddy!

Aren't you sleeping yet?

- Where's mum? - Home at last!

Klara's here. Why don't you answer your phone?

- lt's gone dead. - No problem at all.

Beautiful photos.

- What a happy family. - Come here to us!

When they were little

with dolls. And this is Santa!

Will you really be on all road signs in Poland?

Yes. Almost.

And you won't get a penny for it?

Your uncle's quite a son of a bitch.

True, he's got a great mind. Like your Klara.

- Sorry l hit you. - l got used to it.

- Did it help? - For a while.

Good.

- Why did you film me? - l didn't.

Don't lie!

To hell with me if l'm lying!

Okay...

l believe you.

Pregnant? What?!

You said you love me and now she's pregnant?!

- l don't know how. - Ask your cock!

Luna, please...

- Don't be vulgar! - Get out of my life!

- But, honey... - Get lost! Now!

Not my shit, Luna, please!

Luna, save the shit! Not my shit.

l love you, Luna!

You really wanted to be in the film?

No.

Kiss me.

On the lips.

No way. So you can beat me up?

l will if you don't.

l love you.

l know.

You are so beautiful.

Nah.

Shit, no.

Find Luna immediately!

- Hello. - l've been looking for you!

l'm with Kostek. We've been practicing.

Great! Tomorrow live in Plesica's studio.

We'll make a great show! Will you tell Kostek?

- l will. - Go back to practicing!

What did she say?

There'll be a great show.

- Starring you and me. - l don't want any show.

Yes, you do.

Me too.

We'll get those who have hurt us.

All of them?

What was that?

The tape got tangled? ln your ass! Fix it!

Sorry, TV makes one boorish. All right there?

- l can't see our board. - You will.

- We go live in 50 min.! - We're late. An hour. Or two.

- But the pilgrimage...! - Yes! lt's a volcano.

Such is television. Excuse me, l'm being called.

- What? - No pass for the cake.

- You ordered it. - Me?

That lady said so.

We're running late! An hour or two.

- But they're entering Czestochowa! - You've got to stop them!

Shit!

Stop them? How?

- But we're almost there. - Have her circle!

Circle until you get permission to land!

Stop! Stop!

Stop there!

We're going back! Here!

Sorry for my obnoxious behaviour.

But remember that it was all due to hormones.

l love only you. Do you hear me?

Maria?

- Teresa! Wait! - Leave me alone, Ryszard!

l only want to know where's Maria!

She's in bedlam. Get off my back!

Luna, say something, please.

Fuck off!

You know who this is?

- Yes. - You don't know.

Your son.

JESUS ASKS: SLOW DOWN!

l've wanted to tell you for the last 33 years.

l've seen Ryszard!

Why's he here?

l've no idea.

Quick, make-up and to the studio. We're going on the air!

- We were to be late. - We're running early!

This is live TV: a volcano, a geyser! l have to go.

Call Kajetan!

l have to obey the rules! Only family members!

- To hell with the rules! - Watch out, don't be aggressive.

What about piles of dead presidents?

VECTOR OF TRUTH

Hello, today we'll talk about road safety.

My guest is Fater Leon Wodzien, the creator and editor of

Always a Virgin Radio.

We'll get back to the safety matters, now let's change the subject.

1 -2-3 start!

An unusual pilgrimage...

Shit, it was our turn now!

- Sadly, in its course... - Bastard!

the number of pilgrims has decreased. Mainly due to the bad road condition.

They are difficult to ride on.

Czestochowa's on the line. Hello! Father Kajetan?

Do you hear me, Father?

The last three metres! l'm moved!

l'm deeply moved!

Sorry.

- Shit, Norbert, the fun is over! - Put the mike aside! Now!

Pardon?

Don't you dare enter with the cake!

l see Czestochowa has fallen! Let's get back to the roads!

Dad's weird today.

This is the sign which will appear everywhere in Poland.

We believe that with God's help they will

- increase road safety... - Now back to Czestochowa.

Father Kajetan!

Tired but smiling! Exhausted but happy!

The boldest of the bold is finishing

the virgins' thanksgiving pilgrimage to the Poles' favourite sanctuary!

First impression?

lt was amazing! May l say something?

Sure!

l'm not a virgin.

l've done it out of love.

For my husband.

We haven't been getting on lately and...

l know he thought l didn't love him any more.

But it isn't true!

l love you, Szymek!

And my love...

is as great as this fucking effort!

Norbert, do something!

The cake! Get the cake!

Geyser, volcano! Such is live TV!

After this touching love testimony let's switch gears.

Well, not really, as we're still in the vicious circle of love!

A difficult and controversial love, but

Cupid has many faces!

Next week, on this show, we'll present an innovative venture.

Here at last.

The first Polish feminist erotic movie! ln a bit, the nucleus,

a first taste of the topic! The leading actors!

We got married!

Will you bless us... Uncle?

My name is Konstanty Chmurski and l'm in a feminist porno.

And it's me on the posters lining every road in Poland!

But l also agreed to play the role of Jesus,

asked by Leon Wodzien, director of Always a Virgin Radio, and my uncle!

lt is not true!

lt's not true, as l don't know this man!

Do something!

You bitch, how could you marry someone else?!

- Kick him out! - Leave me alone!

Don't touch me, you... white tick!

l loved you so much! l loved you so much!

l still love you, Luna!

l could hardly marry a married man!

You don't know love! You deceived me and your family for 3 years!

You don't love anyone. Except maybe the fake shit collection

you brought to me after your wife threw it away!

Let's go for a walk.

Mum!

lt's all a conspiracy of liberals and Satan!

l repeat: l don't know this man!

- l don't know him! - Don't lie, Leon!

Teresa!

- Teresa, calm down! - l'm fed up with these lies!

Teresa Wodzien!

My name is Teresa Wodzien!

l'm the sister of this...

priest, and Jesus here...

is his nephew, the son of my sister Maria.

Our son!

- He's nice, isn't he? - This man's crazy.

- Which camera do l speak to? - This one.

Maria!

Maria, if you can hear me: it's all my fault!

l was scheming against Ryszard.

l forged his letter in which he dumped you.

l wanted you to be unhappy like me.

l destroyed your life.

l'm sorry!

l am...

a lesbian.

l'm a lesbian.

A den of iniquity!

l've fought it all my life, but...

l can't anymore.

l am so full of love.

Full of love.

lt's all a conspiracy of liberals and Satan!

Conspiracy... of Satan and liberals.

Your meds, Mr Gebauer. Mr Gebauer.

Your meds!

TWO WEEKS LATER

Are you OK?

Yes.

- Shall l make dinner? - Yes, l'm starving.

You thought you could just escape?

- l don't want to talk, doctor. - Then why don't you make me leave?

You may stay. l don't care.

- Really? - l'm not testing anything else.

But you never did. lt was just a placebo:

water and some natural colouring.

Yes, Kostek.

The only purpose of my research was to test for

hereditariness of mental illness. We both know that

everything that happened was only a figment

of your sick mind.

- Not true! - Denial won't change anything.

You can't escape from madness.

lt'll never be over.

lt'll go on. lt'll grow.

Until it devours your entire life.

Bullshit!

Along with the life of this naive girl.

l decide when to leave.

Kostek!

Kostek!

Kostek!

JESUS ASKS: SLOW DOWN!

Don't do it again!

Don't you ever do it again, will you?

l must protect you from myself.

l love you and want to be with you!

But l'm a nutter, Luna. l will always be.

lf you're crazy, then what do you call the others?

ONE YEAR LATER

May l ask for your autograph?

Have you got it?

LOVE YOUR CHlLD AS l LOVE YOU

Subtitled by Tony _ Montana