All language subtitles for Fresh Off the Boat s05e14 Cupids Crossbow.eng

And here's our latest

Valentine's Cattleman's
creation...

..."The Rib-Eye Love You".

It looks like you just
fused two steaks together

to make a heart.
That's because I did, son.

You can fuse anything
with enough butter.

That's why you never shake hands
with a dairy farmer.

You really went all out for
Valentine's Day this year, Dad.

Well, that's because
your mom doesn't like it

when I make a big deal
about it at home,

so I have to get my fix
of the holiday spirit here.

**

Honey,
you should be eating this

in the comfort
of your own home.

Y'know, Eddie drives
Cattleman's To-Go now.

Oh, I know. But I don't like
eating steak in front of Marvin.

He always presses his finger
in it to test the done-ness.

The man loves to touch other
people's food. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, Trent, what are you doing?
Where's the bow and arrow?

The bear's
supposed to be Cupid,

not a medieval
vampire hunter.

The guy at
the sporting goods store

said if Cupid
used one of these,

he could make people
fall in love

with more precision
and power.

Hmm.

My first Valentine's Day
with a girlfriend.

I can't wait!
Me, neither.

I have three dates!

One for each meal
of the day.

You guys are suckers.

Instead of blowing money
on candy and roses,

I'll be spending it
at the arcade,

investing in
"Mortal Kombat".

[ "Mortal Kombat" voice ]
Finish him!

I couldn't be happier
to be single.

**

Hey, I'm single,

my sisters Trish, Tina,
and Trudy are single,

and we're all
very happy.

The key
is keeping the bar low.

Hey, Eddie.
You can work on the 14th.

You've got nothing
going on, right?

Big delivery day.

Couples who stay in
aren't making dinner.

They're making hot...

...m-m-m-emories.

[ Scoffs ]

-- Captions by VITAC --

* Fresh off the boat

* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *

* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *

* Fresh off the boat

* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *

* But I know where I'm goin'

* I'm fresh off the boat

[ Birds chirping ]

You have five seconds to compete
with an angry ghost car.

Okay, decorating Cattleman's
has got me thinking --

I know we already have

the perfect Valentine's Day
tradition --

doing our taxes --
Time!

Sorry, this Plymouth's
about to eat a kid.

But what if we spice it up
this year?

Oh, you mean like
claiming extra dependents?

Louis, I'm blushing!

Actually, I was thinking
of bringing a third party

into this relationship.
What?!

An accountant.

[ Scoffs ]
Fat chance.

Hear me out.
It'll pay for itself,

and it'll give us time to try
dinner and a movie this year.

Louis, there's nothing
more romantic

than cheating the government
out of money.

That's what we're doing
this year. Case closed.

Mommy, would you mind helping me
with this Half-Windsor knot?

Y'know, Evan,

you don't have to go to your mom
for everything.

I can help you with your tie.
I'm wearing one right now.

That's okay.
I trust Mommy.

[ Sighs ]

Look, I know you're
a "Mommy Guy",

but some things dads live
to weigh in on --

shortcuts,
types of charcoal,

seeing a plane in the sky
and guessing where it's going.

Louis, he's a smart kid.

He knows who to go to
when he needs help -- me.

[ Airplane engine roaring
in distance ]

Northwest 727 to Detroit.

What's this?
We're renting the moose?

Oh, Louis.

Delivery receipts
for the week.

I had a nosebleed in the car
today, so some of those are...

Well, you'll see.

Whoa.
There's a note in here.

"To the Delivery Boy,
you don't just deliver food,

you deliver hope that one day
we will be together.

Xoxo."
What?

X's and O's
stand for kisses and hugs.

I know that!
But who?

Someone you delivered to
must've slipped it in.

Sounds like you got yourself
a secret admirer

for Valentine's Day,
buddy.

You gotta find out
who it is.

I took this job for the cash,
not the anonymous love.

Fair enough,
it's your note --

Fine! Geez, you win.

If I find out
who has a crush on me,

will you get off my back,
already?

Whoa, easy, young buck.

Ugh, and if it makes you happy,
I'll go door-to-door

to see if my admirer's
a young attractive lady,

and if we have a connection,
so be it.

Whatever gets you
off my back!

[ School bell rings ]

You sure you can't sit
with my brother and me?

Sorry. Diane sprouted
a small but mighty zit,

and she needs us
to pretend it's not there.

The jaws of puberty
unclench for no one.

Okay,
see you in Science.

Big fan of all this.

So...how do you plan
on asking Sicily out?

I'm just gonna ask her.

You can't just "ask" out
a girl anymore.

Ever since Adam Block
used the PA system

to invite Beth Hopkins
to Bennigan's,

things have escalated.
You've gotta go big.

I wore a tie today.
I think I'll be fine.

Girl: Look!

[ Gasping ]
[ Applause ]

Holy smokes!

That's what boys
have been doing? Yep.

It's a full-blown
romantic arms race.

[ Applause continues ]

**

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, Eddie!

Nice to know someone
in your family still knocks.

Hey, so I got a love note from
someone on my delivery route,

and you're the first house
on my list.

Um, you think I wrote you
a love note?

No, this is just a formality.
Obviously it wasn't you.

But it wouldn't be
the craziest thing.

I mean, you did let me give you
that sensual hug

to impress my friends at that
block party four years ago.

I forgot all about that.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

I never thought about it again
until just now.

Well, Eddie,

of course I didn't
write the note,

but I'd love
to take a look at it.

There's nothing I like more
than a good mystery.

I'm no stranger
to Nancy Drew, you know.

Huh.

So you think this Nancy Drew
girl could have written it?

Oh, boy. Hmm.

I think you're gonna need all
the help you can get. Come on.

Do you remember my mom
going to Branson?

According
to this Amtrak receipt,

she was there
for three weeks.

Well, the middle school boys
have really done it to me now!

Who hurt you? I just need
a name and an address.

Mommy will take care
of the rest.

No, I just need to ask Sicily
out in a big, memorable way.

Oh, well in that case --

Actually, I want to talk
to Dad about this. Yes! Louis!

[ Chuckles,
clears throat ]

I guess I can
squeeze you in.

Talk to me, talk to me,
talk to me. Evan, I got this.

I can help you
with anything.

No offense, Mommy,
but you're terrible at romance.

Me? Terrible?
Oh no.

The bullies
must have concussed you.

I'll make you some soup.

Jessica, it sounds like
his brain is working just fine.

He knows who to go to
when he needs help -- me.

[ Chuckles ] Now, before I help,
I need to know one thing.

Can you hold a boombox
over your head

for the length
of a Peter Gabriel song?

Not "Sledgehammer",
it goes on forever.

Well,
that's the point of the --

Doesn't matter,
doesn't matter.

I'm here now.
Daddy's here.

**

Thanks so much for helping
with Sicily, Dad.

I know you'll come up

with a memorable way
for me to ask her out.

No, son, we'll come up
with a memorable way.

Now, I'm gonna need you
to make me a bio on her --

height, weight,
blood type,

favorite Thundercat --
the usual stuff.

I'm pretty sure
she's O Positive

but I'll confirm
with her pediatrician!

Hmm.

**

Do you really think you can
help Evan better than I can?

Probably. Unlike you,
I love romance.

You stood up and booed at the
end of "Sleepless in Seattle".

I've been to Seattle
several times and slept fine.

And yesterday,
you turned down my idea

for a real
Valentine's date.

Just because I don't like
being suffocated

with stupid pink hearts
and sex potions --

Sex potions?

...doesn't mean
I don't understand romance.

I'm good at everything I do
even if I don't like doing it.

I don't wear a tie,
but I pick yours,

and I taught Evan
how to tie his.

Look, Evan chose me.
He's in good hands.

Why don't you talk to Grandma
and solve one of her problems?

**

Okay,
what's your plan?

Plan?
Why would I need a plan?

I'm just gonna wing it.
Eddie, this person wrote to you

from the shadows.
Classic shadow lover.

You need to go in
with a little finesse.

That's not my game.

I just drive
straight to the hoop,

head down,
and hope somebody fouls me.

[ Chuckles ]
Who would foul you here?

Please.

I can't explain this
and basketball.

She wrote you an anonymous love
note, so she's obviously shy.

You have to tread lightly.
Draw her out.

Timid hearts, soft hands,
can't lose.

Tell you what,
when you get a secret admirer,

we'll do it your way.
Watch and learn.

[ Knock on door ]

Hi, are there any teenage
females living here?

Just one.

Susan!

[ Dog barking ]

Sic 'em!
[ Louder barking ]

Susan's coming!

I have bacon in my pocket!
What?!

Your science fair idea
is cute.

But if you really want
a home run Valentine's date,

look no further...

I feel like we should hug
after we get results, Dad?

No, I'm --
I'm gesturing to Cattleman's!

The most romantic steakhouse
in Orlando

this side of the monorail.
So you're saying

I should have my date here
at Cattleman's?

Hey-hey. Hi!
You with me?

I'm trying to build
something here.

I give you lucky Table 12.

That table is 8 for 8
in proposals

and a guarantee
of a romantic evening.

See how the carpet is frayed
right besides that chair?

That's from all the men getting
down on their knees to propose.

Really?

That table?
I know it doesn't look like much,

but there is magic
in that wood.

That table was used on the set
of "Casablanca".

I was told.
Intriguing.

But is a table
really going to compete

with an upside-down boy
on a rope?

Um, do you know
the last people

who sat at that table
on Valentine's Day?

**

[ Quietly ] Three, two...
I can't wait another second.

Nancy, will you
leave here forever

and spend the rest
of your life with me?

I've already cleaned out
the register.

[ Gasping ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Mwah!

**

[ Chuckles ]

[ Door opens ]
See you guys tomorrow.

Oh, so that's where they went.
Mm-hmm.

I'm not looking
to get married quite yet,

but that sounds great.

Perfect, so the date
is taken care of.

Now we have to work on
how you're going to ask her out.

Tell me how you two met.
Don't tell me she was engaged

to your best friend.
[ Chuckles ]

It was in science class.
We were dissecting frogs.

Classic meet cute.
Go on.

She had some toe-webbing
on her shirt, I wiped it off,

our eyes met, and my heart
danced the dance of the gods.

[ Door opens ]
Oh. Now, that's something we can use.

Well, Louis, you said I couldn't
do it, but I found a man.

What?
This is Kurt.

I picked him up
off the street.

You see, Evan, Mommy
is not so terrible at romance.

You have a kid?
That's cool.

Do you know how
I picked Kurt up?

Not with your father's
mushy Valentine's nonsense.

You have a husband?
That's cool.

It is cool, Kurt.

You see,
I did some research,

and the thing
we call "love"

is really just chemicals
in the brain.

You don't say?

Kurt was riding his bike
by my car,

so I clipped him with my door...
[ Chuckles ]

...activating a surge
of adrenaline.

This triggered
his love response.

Science!

And you know who helps you
with science? Me.

I love this family.
[ Chuckles ]

I can't wait
for the holidays.

Uh, Kurt, if you wanna hit
the soda machine,

I'll get to you in a second.
You want one, baby?

Extra ice.

Evan, love isn't
about chemicals.

It's about the magical
connection you have

with someone.
[ Blows raspberry ]

[ Chuckles ] Really, Louis?
No, Valentine's Day

is all about adrenaline
and danger.

Roses with thorns,
diabetes from chocolate,

a chubby man-child
holding a weapon.

That's why people go on dates
at amusement parks.

The rush.
The rush?

So I need to spike
Sicily's adrenaline? Yes.

And what better way
to do that

than the scariest roller coaster
at Thrill City?

Johnnie Cochran
got them out of four wrongful

decapitation lawsuits.

"No head, not dead."

Come on, Evan,
you're not buying this.

I'm sorry, Dad.
I can't argue with science...

After all,
that's how I met Sicily.

[ Sighs ]
Looks like we're done here.

Maybe there's something
you can help Grandma with.

I missed you so much.

**

Now, remember the last house?
You can't just go up and ask.

We need a cover story
or people get weirded out.

So just follow my lead.

Hello!

I'm Swifty Lazar
and this is Lew Wasserman.

[ British accent ]
'Ello!

We're Hollywood
talent scouts

looking for
the next Britney Spears

or Christina Aguilera.

Preferably Britney.

Oh!

Well, this is Seraphina.

Uh, she played
baby JonBenét Ramsey --

played the hell out of it.

Apparently cut for time.

[ Chuckles ] Oh,
she does her own make-up.

Wow.

[ Southern accent ]
Howdy, ya'll. We have here a monogrammed bible

for a Miss...
Uh, what does that say, Rhett?

[ Terrible Southern accent ]
I'm not sure, Sue-Ellen.

I know it's for a girl,
though.

Aged 14-18,
probably attractive.

**

[ Normal voice ]
Okay. Just...

Hi, there, we're --
Oh, good, you came back.

I tipped you a $20,
meant to tip you a $5.

That'll be $15, please.

[ School bell rings ]

So...do you like
roller coasters?

Not really.
Most rides kind of scare me.

I throw up on people movers
at the airport.

The rush. Perfect.

Hi, Sicily! Ribbit!

You know, the last time I saw
you, I was on a dissecting tray,

and you and Evan had
your forceps in my spleen.

Ribbit.

What's happening?

Dad?

Well,
I'm here to tell you,

that when you took out
my spleen,

you also took
your lab partner's heart.

And what Evan
wants to know is...

Will you be my Valentine?

Oh, my God!
Of course, Evan!

Together: Aww!
[ Applause ]

[ Laughs ]

Now, that right there
is an invitation

for a romantic dinner
at Cattleman's Ranch Steakhouse,

where legs like mine
are sautéed

in a mouthwatering
garlic butter sauce.

We're, uh, on the I-4,
right past the old shoe factory.

[ Murmuring ]

Alright. Bye.

**

Hello, Thrill City?
I would like to request

a roller coaster
getting stuck upside down.

It's for my son.

Sorry, Evan and Sicily

already have plans
for a date at Cattleman's.

What?
Thrill City's off.

Evan's a romance guy.

Ribbit.

**

Only one more house.

[ Normal voice ] Yeah,
and it's my buddy, Trent's.

Oh, the little ginger boy
who works at Cattleman's

and calls Louis "Hoss"?
Yeah.

But we can skip his house.
There's no reason to stop.

Actually there is --
my bladder.

It's a-fulllll...
[ Chuckles ]

I'm about to burst.

I'm, like,
more pee than woman --

Okay, I got it.
Oh.

[ Birds chirping ]

We still haven't found
my secret admirer

and you're the last house
on the list.

Whoa,
slow your roll, Eddie.

I didn't write you
the love note.

I wouldn't fake being a secret
admirer just to cheer you up.

What do you mean?

I'm saying I didn't
write you a pity note.

Sure, people feel sorry
for the lonely guy,

they fake a note,
cheer him up,

but that's not my game.
I'm not the lonely guy!

Well, you did take
Valentine's Day

pretty hard
back at Cattleman's.

We all felt
kinda bad for you.

You all felt bad?

[ Toilet flushes ]
Yeah. Just ask Honey.

Rubik's Cube in the bathroom,
good idea.

You ready, handsome?

It was you.
You wrote the note

because you felt sorry
for me.

What are
you talking about?

You saw
how bummed I was

when my brothers were talking
about their Valentine's dates.

Eddie, I don't
feel sorry for you.

You think I'm some big loser
who's gonna die alone!

Well, a lot of great men
died alone!

Tupac, Biggie...

Fat Joe if he doesn't cut back
on the sodium!

**

[ Car door slams ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Louis: Welcome to Cattleman's,
young lovers.

Bask in the romance.

[ Glasses clink ]

We're down to three wings,
so don't order the wings.

Hey, uh, thanks for taking down
Mark's crossbow, Trent.

What? I didn't
take it down, hoss.

This is a robbery!

Men, protect your dates!

**

Is this dinner and a show?

Waiter, another scotch!
You want one?

You all should be feeling
a fight-or-flight response,

triggering hormones
that induce love!

Mom?
Mrs. Huang?

What's going on, Evan?
You two should be feeling

lots of chemicals,
simulating love.

You're very lucky
I showed up.

Evan, this is weird.

And not good-weird
like the man-frog you hired,

just weird...

I think
I'm gonna go home.

**

Well, uh...
Thanks for all the help, Mom.

Evan...

**

Uh, uh...
How about that?!

[ Chuckles ]
Cattleman's Theater, everybody!

[ Chuckles ]
Uh...and now

feast your ears on the vocal
stylings of our very own...

Trent!

[ Chairs creaking ]

* Oh, Danny boy

* The pipes,
the pipes are calling *

* From glen to glen

[ Whispering ]
Keep going.

* And down
the mountainside *

**

What's wrong?
You and Kurt break up?

Evan's already mad at me,

I don't need you piling on
because I wooed a male stranger

to prove you wrong.

Well, all joking aside.

Please deal with it
because he is calling here

an unhealthy amount.

[ Telephone rings ]

Cattleman's Ranch,
go for Trent.

Kurt: It's Kurt again.
I-Is my girlfriend there?

Hey, you know Jess.

Where's her head at?
She's so tough to read.

But I love that about her.
I've always loved that about --

[ Sighs ]

Okay.
Maybe I got carried away.

I just wanted to prove that
I could be good at romance, too.

Oh, why? You never cared
about it before.

The last time
I got you flowers,

you took it back
to the grocery store

and exchanged it for
a frozen pack of chicken thighs.

Fine, I don't care
about romance.

I care about Evan.

And I didn't get
to help him on this.

Well, that's okay.
I did.

Yes, and you are
a wonderful father,

but Evan always comes to me
for everything.

This was a big moment for him
and he didn't need me.

It made me feel useless.

[ Exhales sharply ]
I get it.

It felt great
when he finally came to me.

Probably why I went
a little overboard myself.

[ Chuckles ]
I spent $470 --

What?
$40.

I spent $40
on a frog costume.

[ Sighs ]
Jessica, you're not useless.

He will always need you.
This was one thing.

He'll keep coming to you
just as he always has.

And every now and then
he might not. And that's okay.

How do I prevent that
from happening?

You can't.

But trust me,
as he gets older,

there will be a few things
that you would rather I handle.

Like, uh, the talk I had with
Eddie about "long showers".

Oh, I appreciate you keeping
an eye on the water bill.

Hmm.

Exactly.

[ Knock on door ]

Any teenage males
living in this house?

I hear how creepy
that sounds now.

You want to help me take down
this bag of chocolates?

I'm married to a dentist.
Mama's got to get her sugar

on the DL.

I promise I didn't write you
that love note, Eddie.

I stopped dotting my 'I's
with hearts in my 20s.

I'm sorry I freaked out
in the car.

Honestly, I'm just bummed to be
alone on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, that's normal.

When you're a teenager,
Valentine's Day

feels like the biggest deal
in the world.

But the truth is,
it's just another day.

You're right.

Prom is the day that matters
forever. [ Chuckles ]

Hmm.
[ Chuckles ]

And besides,
you weren't alone.

I had a blast driving
around town with you.

Me too. Thanks.

Hey, you didn't touch
the Rubik's Cube

in Trent's bathroom,
did you?

[ Laughing ] What?
No -- No way.

I didn't touch anything.

I hovered and flushed
with my shoe.

**

[ Sizzling ]

Evan,
I made you breakfast.

**

How are your eggs?

I've had better.

That's probably 'cause
I put poison in them.

[ Fork clatters ]
Say what?

No, I didn't
poison your eggs.

I was just trying to get
a chemical response out of you

so you would be ready
to accept my apology

for ruining
your Valentine's Day.

So do you accept?

Accept what?

My apology.

You didn't apologize.
At all.

So we're doing this?
[ Chair slides ]

[ Sighs ]

I'm sorry I ruined
your Valentine's Day.

You were right
to go to your Dad.

His ideas aren't
always terrible.

But when they are, you could
always come back to me.

I know, Mommy.

And you didn't
ruin anything.

Sicily and I spent
the rest of the night

hate-watching
the high school science fair.

All the mistakes are funny
until you realize

it's the future
of our country.

So we're okay?

Yes, Mommy, we're okay.

And you don't need to
pretend to poison me

to get me to love you.

Actually, there is something
I could use your help with.

Alright,
I'm back in the game!

Sometimes
when Sicily and I hug --

Louis!
Evan needs you!

You know, it's a shame
we never figured out

who your
secret admirer is.

I know. But in a way
it's kind of fun

having a mystery lover
out there.

Whoever she is.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

**

Tina, it's time for supper.

You're supposed to knock!

When I knock and you're taking
a nap, you get mad.

I can't win!

When's the last time
I napped?

This isn't Madrid!

Did I say it was Madrid?

I just put in 8 hours,
I don't need this.

Close the door!

[ Scoffs ]

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