All language subtitles for Fresh Off the Boat s05e09 Just the Two of Us.eng

Okay, we've got four deliveries.
Let's hit the road, Grandma.

Hey!
People paid for that food.

Cattleman's To-Go
doesn't stand for

Cattleman's
to-go-out-of-business, okay?

Don't make me
kick you out.

How do you even have
a license?

[ Loud rap music plays ]

[ Music stops ]
Hey!

[ Chinese opera music plays ]

What is this?
Bats mating?

A person is making
this noise?

An angel.

I'm changing it back.

**

I can slap all day.

[ Sighs ]

-- Captions by VITAC --

* Fresh off the boat

* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *

* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *

* Fresh off the boat

* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *

* But I know where I'm goin'

* I'm fresh off the boat

Radio DJ: Next up, it's what
you've all been waiting for,

88.7 FM's "The Lurch" giveaway!

Call in to win
the biggest prize of the year!

Jessica:
Everybody ready?

Fingers nimble?

So nimble.
I've been practicing my dial.

One-point-seven seconds flat.

Home phone,
Grandma's phone --

whose phone is this?

Derek Jeter was hitting
on you?

I know you don't like men,
Nicole,

but you could've at least gotten
a gift bag.

-Honey, get off the phone!
-Sorry, Jessica!

Okay all you radio-heads --
haha --

it's time to get
on those phones!

Caller 88 wins the big prize,

starting now!

Wait for it...

wait for it...

go, go, go!
[ Rapid beeping ]

[ Busy signal beeps ]

[ Groans ]
Busy signal! Us, too!

[ Line rings, clicks ]
Hello?

Congratulations,
you're caller number 88!

[ Laughs ] We won!

[ Squeals ]
I knew we could do it,

we are
a well-oiled machine.

Like B2-D2.

Now, as our lucky winner,
you get to choose

your grand prize --
a resort getaway for two

at Sandturtles...
Sounds expensive.

...or the brand-new Office '98
software bundle!

The entire bundle?

Including Access?

Access to what?

Who cares?!

So, what'll it be?

Well, obviously the getaway,
right?

Definitely.

I could really use a weekend
by the pool.

Lie back, relax,
soak up some rays --

UV rays, not stingrays.

I wasn't confused.

[ Chanting ]
Bundle! Bundle! Bundle!

How do we tell
the boys?

We're taking Sandturtles.

Cool beans,
the getaway it is!

Nooooooooo!
Come on!

You don't need a computer.
You have your brains.

Now, I'm assuming
this vacation package

comes with a free bathing suit.
I like the ones

with the little skirt on them
so I can twirl.

Sorry guys,
the bundle sounds good,

but your mom
really needs this.

Totally fine,

I'll just keep writing
my school essays in Paint.

Oh, that sounds cool.

So my birthday party
is gonna be epic.

Phase one, laser tag.

Phase two, pizza.

The square kind.

Phase three, an appearance
by a special guest.

Hint --
he went to UMass Amherst.

[ Whispering ] Trent just sat
on my sunglasses.

[ Whispering ] You can't say
anything -- he's a guest.

So you're coming,
right, Eddie? Definitely.

I need something
to look forward to

after a whole week
of driving with Grandma.

Why?
Grandma is fascinating.

Lots of layers
to that gal.

I'd love a day in the car
with her.

Not with the Chinese opera
she plays.

And every time I try to put in
my O.G. Best of '95 mix,

she slaps me.

Eddie, you've been mainlining
hardcore rap

since you were 9.

You gotta ease your grandma in
with the soft stuff.

Hmm.

Kinda like how my dad
eased me into wasabi

with horseradish.

I just need to find
the horseradish of rap.

Let's crack open
those Case Logics.

Yeah.

These aren't mine.
These are Dad's.

[ Inhales sharply ]

**

Why are these sunglasses
so small?

[ Sighs ]

Wow.
This place is beautiful.

It's like an Olive Garden
and a Tommy Bahama store

got together
and made a resort baby.

We earned this.

Let's find out
how much we earned.

Hi, how much did you pay
for this vacation?

Does it start
with a four? Five?

[ Inhales sharply ] Six?

It doesn't really matter
how much it costs,

as long as it gets our marriage
back on track.

What?

Sandturtles is a place
for troubled couples

to rehabilitate
their marriages.

See, there's an entire itinerary
planned for this weekend.

Ugh. From 2:00 to 2:30,

we're washing
each other's areolas?

Auras.

The emanation
of our souls.

Ugh!
That is even worse.

There must be
some kind of a mistake.

We're just here
for vacation.

Great, Kelly,
now they're upset.

You're always
oversharing.

Well,
you're too private!

Ken: Well, I like to think!

Well, watching you think
is boring!

Oh, really, Kelly?

No matter what happens,

I'm not returning
the swimsuit.

I already ripped out
the liner.

**

I was just thinking.

Could you imagine
if a dog got loose back here?

Boy, oh, boy.

We should go get gas.

Better to be safe
than sorry.

Speaking of safe,

I know you didn't like
my rap music before,

but that was because
I should've eased you in.

Introducing Will Smith.

He's the horseradish
of rap.

He never cusses,

and he only raps about
soft stuff like aliens,

summertime,
and going to Miami.

I will allow it.

Awesome.

And when you're ready,
we'll go up the rap chain --

Mase, Puff Daddy, Jay-Z, DMX,
until we get to Biggie.

He's the toughest guy
out there.

He's kinda who I take after,
you know.

Really?

You're not Biggie.

You're Will Smith --

soft.

[ Cassette clatters ]

**

[ Breathes deeply ]

Hi. Uh, sorry to interrupt
your...deodorant check...

but we heard you're the owner
of this resort?

Yes, I'm Guru Sheela,

and I was just starting my day
with a little self-hug.

A self-hug sounds nice.

That's how I stand
on the train.

We heard this is
a couples' retreat?

And there are classes
all weekend?

We don't have classes.
We have journeys.

Pass.

We're just gonna go sit
by the pool.

So, everyone at Sandturtles
is required

to follow the itinerary
so that we can all bond

over a shared experience,
okay?

So you can go through
the program or leave.

Oh, um...

I want to go in the pool
and then in the hot tub

and back in the pool.

All right, look, Googoo Sheela,
is it?

Here's the deal.

Our marriage is great.

Louis and I are like
a well-oiled machine.

We're not like the other suckers
that paid to be here.

I mean, uh,
this place is lovely

and you seem very sweet,
but --

We don't need
this garbage.

I think you do.

The greater the resistance,
the greater the need.

Well, that sounds like
some commie bull-- Okay, you know what?

We're -- We're gonna, uh,
hit the guava station,

and then we'll be back.

I have to go say good morning
to the sun.

Of course you do.

[ Sighs ] Can you believe
that woman?

She thinks we need
to be here?

We don't have
any problems!

Let's just load up on towels
and go.

No. We're gonna prove to her
that we're the best couple here.

We're gonna stay.
And we're gonna win.

I don't think
this is a competition.

It is now.

And we are going to win.
Okay.

Welcome all to Sandturtles,

the preeminent healing place
for broken couples.

Together, we are going
to find the nexus

of all of your problems.

Is there a trophy
for the winner?

Well, my hope is that
by the end of the retreat,

you'll all be winners

and that the trophy
you'll leave with

is the partner
you came with.

You could've
just said "no."

So, here at Sandturtles,
you are no longer individuals.

You are now units,

and as such,
I'm going to ask you right now

to name those new units.

Let the work begin.

Okay.

How about
"Best Couple Here"?

Or "No Problem Havers"?

No, those are awesome,

but, you know,
I can't get comfortable.

It's these mats.
I know.

My back is acting up, too.

Let me ask
for some chairs.

Googoo Sheela.

I'm hearing you.

These mats
are hurting our back.

Can we get some chairs?

So, here at Sandturtles,

we prefer you closer
to the ground.

It's where human beings
are the most vulnerable.

To what?
Snakes?

Uh, Jessica
was just joking.

We don't need chairs.
[ Chuckles ]

Thank you so much.

This retreat has been great
so far.

Good. Good.

What was that about?

None of the other couples
asked for chairs.

You want to win, right?
No, I want Mr. Stupid

and his wife, Mrs. Idiot,
to win.

**

Our new name
is Starfish.

We both love the ocean,

and starfishes
are just so cool.

Yeah, actually, uh,
the plural of "starfish"

is "starfish,"

so, hence our name,
Starfish.

You're always criticizing me
in front of other people.

I-I don't know
why I do that.

I'm sorry.

I've never heard you say that
before.

Starfish has found
their nexus.

Snaps for Starfish.

[ Snapping fingers ]

Great work, you guys.

Our name is...

Jessica.

Uh, we wanted to combine
our names,

but we couldn't choose "Jouis"
for obvious reasons,

and "Lessica" just
sounds negative.

I did pitch Lewbacca,
like...

[ Imitates Chewbacca ]

...but that was also nixed.

Interesting.

Moving on.

Wait, wait!

No "Snaps for Jessica"?

Oh, come on, Starfish.

I snapped for you.

Can't force a snap.

**

Can you believe Grandma
said I was Will Smith?

She called me soft!

A lot of great things
are soft --

pillows,
marshmallows...

Gnocchi...

We could go on
all day.

I'm sure you could,
because you're soft.

But I'm not!

On my first day of school,
a kid insulted me,

and I smashed his hand
in a microwave.

I'm hardcore.

That's me.
That's who I am.

I don't see
what the big deal is.

How would you like it if Grandma
called you disorganized?

[ Gasps ]

Exactly.

How is that our song?

Grandma,
I am not Will Smith.

Will Smith is for softies
like Evan and Emery.

It's better to be safe
than s--

[ Gasps ]

Oh, is that one
of Biggie's rap lines?

What?
But I'm Carlton.

**

Now, this next exercise
is called "Love Sandwich,"

a test
of communication.

Get into positions.

Let's begin.

Okay, first we need the bread.
It's on the right.

Your right or my right?

We're facing the same direction,
there's only one right!

Oh, uh...
Oh, got it.

Oh, just rip it open.

And waste
all that bread?

Just do it!

Okay, uh,
your right hand,

45 degrees to the left.

Yep. There's the jar.
Okay, back to center.

Great.
Now, left hand, okay, uh,

right below you
is the knife.

Okay, be careful. Be careful.
Don't cut yourself.

Oh, thanks babe.
I won't.

Wonderful.
Great communication.

Snaps for Starfish.

[ Snapping fingers ]

Stop snapping!
You're wasting time!

Keep your head
in the game.

You know what?
Switch.

Uh...

Jessica: Okay, I have the knife,
now where's the jam?

Where's the jam,
Louis?!

Stop swinging!
You're gonna cut me!

We did it!

[ Groans ]
[ Knife clatters ]

Mmm.

Aww, it tastes just like
our honeymoon, babe. Aww.

Ugh.

We just lost
because of you.

Me?

Yes.
If you hadn't been so busy

snapping for Starfish,
we would've won.

It should be us tasting
their honeymoon right now.

**

Terry-cloth bathrobes
are soft...

Feathers...
flower petals...

My face
after I moisturize.

**

Whoa.
Cool outfit, Eddie.

Yeah, looking fly!

Oof, as soon as I said that,
I knew it wasn't me.

Thanks, boys. Gotta rep hard
at Trent's b-day, ya know?

Oh, please.

Grandma,
you got to check it.

You don't understand me
at all.

Isn't that
a Will Smith song,

"Grandparents
Just Don't Understand"?

For the last time,
I am not Will Smith.

If anyone is soft around here,
it's you.

You read cartoons
every day.

And my mom paints
your fingernails.

Now let's go. I don't want
to be late for Trent's birthday.

I'm not coming.

What?

But I can't drive
without you.

I have cartoons
to read.

You know what?
Fine.

Biggie wouldn't need
his grandmother anyways.

I can drive
my damn self.

[ Scoffs ]

Um...cotton balls?

I think the game is over.

I can't believe
we failed another exercise.

We almost had it.

Okay,
now turn to the left.

Take three giant steps.

Okay, now swim!

Guru Sheela never said the pool
was off limits!

That was
the most direct path.

I don't know why this keeps
happening to us.

We are obviously
the best couple here.

The only reason we're failing
is because Sandturtles is crazy.

I run a restaurant.
I know how to make a sandwich.

And why does everything
have to involve blindfolds?

We are both blessed
with sight.

And "find the nexus
of your problems"?

Uh, Earth to Sheela,
there is no nexus,

we don't have any problems.
You're just nutty.

All we wanted was
a relaxing weekend by the pool.

Let's go find Guru Sheela
and talk some sense into her.

Sounds good. But can you give me
like two minutes?

I can't go outside
with wet hair.

I'll achoo.

**

Guru Sheela,
we need to talk.

Louis and I don't need
to do

your crazy exercises

to show
we're a good couple.

So for the rest
of the weekend,

we're sitting by the pool,
and that is final.

I see.

And is this
what Jessica wants,

or is this
what Jessica wants?

Jessica just needs
some pool time.

Me?

You wanted this, too.

You just said
in the room,

"These exercises are all crazy,
Guru Sheela is a nutbag!"

No, no, no.
I didn't use the term "nutbag."

You know what?

We thought we didn't have
any problems, but we do.

It's you.

You're the nexus.

-What, me?
-Yes, you.

You are so busy
being the good guy.

That's why we lost
the sandwich competition.

Not a competition.

You always make me do
the dirty work,

and I'm sick of it.

Yes, there it is.

Snaps for Jessica.

Will you please
stop snapping?!

I was just celebrating
the breakthrough.

And if you two want
to explore this further,

I would suggest
the penguin hug exercise.

Not a chance.

I think we're just
gonna explore it here,

but it does sound cute.

Okay.

There you go again,
hanging me out to dry,

like an Italian woman's
laundry.

I'm sorry. I just didn't want
to hurt her feelings.

What about me?

You always make me do
the dirty work

and then you don't even
back me up.

Like when I asked Guru Sheela
for the chairs.

Well, I don't want
to anger someone

who clearly has access
to potions.

It's not just this retreat.
It happens all the time.

Like the other day
with the boys.

We both wanted this vacation
and not the bundle,

buthad to be the one
to tell them.

But that's your thing --
you tell it like it is.

I thought you liked
doing that.

Just 'cause I'm great at it
doesn't mean I enjoy it.

**

**

You think Biggie
would stop?

Naw.
He would push through, like a G.

**

[ Engine sputters ]

Crap.

**

You were right.
I'm soft.

I ran out of gas
and had to walk home

because I was too scared
to hitch a ride.

And then I got freaked out
because I thought I saw a wolf.

Turned out to be a cat.

A kitten.

Come, I'll help you.

* Psycho react
from a drunk kick *

* You better back up
before I turn into a nine clip *

* Loaded, now the fools
in the ground lookin' moldy *

* It's a gang of us

* You know, you know,
you know, you know, yeah *

How'd you learn
to do all that?

What was in them?

Whoa. How come you didn't
tell me about this before?

[ Sighs ] When you've lived
a hard life,

you'd rather not be reminded
of it.

So that's why you like
soft stuff

like Garfield
and Will Smith.

I only call you Will Smith
because you're a good kid.

And you're lucky.

You don't have to live
a hard life unless you want to.

You want to try?

Ugh!

Oh damn, it burns!

Holy crap!
How do you handle that?!

[ Laughs ]
[ Coughing ]

**

And remember,
like actual sand turtles,

you need to keep returning
to the resort

and laying your eggs
of love.

Now, snaps for everyone.

[ Snapping fingers ]

[ Sighs ]

What a miserable weekend.

Here comes Starfish.

Oh, my God, you guys,

this has been
such an amazing weekend.

Right? Hey, we should keep
these good times going, huh?

You want to have a drink?

No, I don't want to.

Okay.
Uh, are you sure?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry
about him.

He hates drinks.
And he hates good times.

If it were up to me,
I would totally go.

Great,
just the three of us, then.

Huh?
First round of Mai Tais is on Ken, okay?

So, you a fan of the Devil Rays
yet?

Nope, I'm out.

I just remembered --

I can't go get drinks with you
because I don't like you.

Bye.

Ugh.

I couldn't do it.
I broke.

I saw.

I don't know
how you do it.

My cheeks hurt
from fake-smiling so hard.

I don't know how you could
be the bad guy.

My heart is beating
so fast.

You would've gone to the bar
with them.

Yeah, and I would've bought
season tickets

to the Devil Rays.

You're right.

I do like
being the bad guy.

Yeah, but instead of hanging you
out to dry,

I could do a better job
of supporting you.

And maybe once in a while

I could tone down
my public thunder.

Oh, crap.

She was right.
We did need this.

Mm.

Penguin hug?

Yes.

**

Action.

Mom, Dad, you're home!

Emery:
How was your vacation?

You must be so tired.

The type of tired
where cooking sounds terrible.

Hey, yeah, great point,
Evan.

What do you say
we order a pizza?

What an idea, Emery!

Nice try.
You're not getting pizza.

Both: [ Chanting ] Pizza!
Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

You heard your mom.
No pizza.

[ Exhales sharply ]
That was so hard.

Don't worry.
It gets easier.

Y'know, after two days of guava,
pizza did sound good.

We'll order one
after they go to bed.

Okay, Grandma, let's kick
this off Big Willie-style...

Hey!
What was that for?

You're tougher
than I thought.

You have graduated
to Mase.

* What you know
about goin' out? *

* Head west, red Lex *

* TVs all up in the headrest *
I'll take it.

* Try and live it up *
Mase is way harder than Will Smith.

* Ride true, bigger truck,
piece all glittered up *

* Stick up kid, what? *

* Bad, bad, bad, bad boy *
* Yeah *

Delivery tax.
* You make me feel so good *

* Bad boy *
* You know you make me feel so good *

* You know you make me feel
so good *

Radio DJ: Congratulations,
you're caller number 12!

You've won
our weekly giveaway --

We don't want
the prize.

Uh, excuse me?

You lied to us.

We thought we were getting
a relaxing resort vacation,

instead, you made us work
on our marriage.

Not cool, bro.
Not cool.

I -- I'm sorry?

Yeah, you should be.
Okay.

Well, do you still want
the prize you just won, or...?

What is it?

A package of hand towels!

Yes, yes,
a hundred percent yes. Now, that's a prize.

Ooh, party!

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0