All language subtitles for Fam.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Hey. Oh, hey.

Forgive me if this comes off as
rude, but who the hell are you?

I'm Kyle. I go to school
with Shannon.

Did you sleep here?

Yeah. Want some eggs?

Hey, babe, I was thinking...

What is that?

That is a Kyle.
It spent the night.

It spent the night?

Want some eggs?

Nobody wants your
runny-ass eggs, man.

Morning. Oh, hey, Kyle.

What are you still doing here?

Thought you left.

I got hungry.
I made you some eggs.Aw.

I'll see you at school tomorrow.

Bye.

Bye.

How cute is he?!

He made me eggs!
He made me eggs!

He made me eggs!

I don't care how cute he is...

And the boy is cute... she
cannot have guys sleep over.

I know, but I can't
just tell her that.

Why not?
For one,

when I was her age,
I had guys sleep over

all... occasionally.

The problem is

I can't tell Shannon what to do
because I'm her sister,

not her mom.

But your sister
is living with us,

and if she's gonna stay here,
she has to play by our rules.

Yeah, but she doesn't
have to stay here.

If we're too strict with her,

she might move out and go back
to my dad's or God knows where.

Which we...
Don't want.

Don't want.

But we do have to talk to her.

Absolutely.

But look on the bright side:
After living with my sister,

our kids are gonna
seem like a breeze.

Our kids? We can barely
deal with Shannon.

Th-There's no way I can imagine
kids of our own.

Okay, Nick, I got it.

I'm just saying. Look,

we'll have kids
in a few years. Right?

After Shannon goes to college,

or... jail.

Besides,

I am too young for this
to turn into a dad bod.

Yeah, because your body is
the one that will take the hit.

This is a sensitive
conversation, Nick,

so just let me handle it.

Clem, she's your sister; There's
no way I'm getting involved.

I'm gonna nod silently and agree
with everything you say.

Perfect.

Shannon?

'Sup?

You cannot have guys
sleep over here!

Nick!

And the silent nodding
starts now.

Look, I know Nick can be
a little old-fashioned,

but I agree with him.

I'm not happy that Kyle
slept over either.

Oh, my God!
We didn't even do anything.

He got drunk and passed out,

so I bought a bunch of stuff
on his Amazon account.

I got you guys a new spatula.

Happy?

Not even a little bit. I mean, we did
need a new spatula.

Look, Kyle isn't just
some rando.

I actually really like this guy.

He was the first person

to be nice to me
at my new school.

Plus, he's handsome,
he's good-looking,

and he's, like, really hot.

Look, Shannon,
I worry about you.

And having guys sleep over,

it's just asking for trouble.

When my mom had me,
she was way too young,

and it ruined her life.

What makes you think that? She told me.

Well, look, I'm not gonna
get pregnant, okay?

I'm not an idiot.

Would an idiot be getting
almost a "C" in Algebra?

What do you mean "almost"?
You're getting a "D" in Algebra?

Almost.

I'm sorry, but it feels like
you guys are having a problem

with everything I do
since I moved in.

That's not true.

I found my favorite eyeliner
in your underwear drawer,

and I didn't say a thing.

You were looking
through my drawers?

What? No.

No, that would be... No.

I was putting away your laundry.

Yeah, you don't
put away my laundry.

You leave it on the floor,

hoping I'll get the message,
but I never do.

Look, I really appreciate you
guys letting me live here. I do.

But I also need my privacy.

And I don't think
that's such an insane request.

Fine. You want privacy?

You promise no more guys
sleeping over,

I'll promise
no more snooping. Deal?

Fine. You got yourself a deal.

Oh, my God, no. Dude,
of course no one's seen it.

Yeah, it's in my room.

Oh, it's in my drawer.

What's in her drawer?

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

Thought you guys went to work.

Still here.
Not yet.

Okay. Well...

I'm gonna go to school. Bye.

Have a good day.

Oh, my God, you have no idea...

Don't do it, Clem.

Do what, Nick?

Snoop in her room.

Look, the way I was raised,
when you make a deal,

you stick by it.

So if you want
Shannon to respect

the rules, you have to
respect them, too.

Why do you have to be
so damn ethical?

Oh, come on, you know
it gets you all hot

when your boy's all ethical.

You're right, it kind of does.

See you tonight.
Okay.

Ah, don't do it.
What?

I wasn't.

You hid a pregnancy test in
your room to catch her snooping?

Yup.

And the best part is,
when Clem finds it,

it'll prove she broke our deal,

which means I can have Kyle
sleep over anytime I want.

So wait, how'd you get
a positive pregnancy test?

Mm. Okay, so first thing
I did was I asked

this pregnant girl in my
homeroom, right, for some pee...

Mm-hmm... but she was like, "Go away."

Rude.

So then I googled it... Yeah.

...and, what do you know,

pouring Coke on a pregnancy test
turns it positive.

And you're sure
your sister's gonna find it?

After the phone call I faked
this morning, definitely.

This is such a great idea.

I might pull it
on my stupid stepmom.

Dude, dude, you should get
two positive pregnancy tests

for her to find... Yeah.

...and then she'll think
you're having twins.

Oh, dear God.

Okay.

Come on, Shannon.

Oh, God, no.

Please don't be a plus.
Please don't be a plus.

Please don't be a plus.

Hey, sweetie.

Ben, thank you
so much for coming.

Nick is teaching, and I didn't
know who else to call.

Well, it better be important.
I had to get another instructor

to cover my SoulCycle
class for this.

Do you have any idea how
upset people are gonna be

when they walk in
and see Michelle?

What's wrong with Michelle?

Everything!

So what's going on?

My sister is pregnant.

What?

Shannon is pregnant.

Girl, I am shocked.

No, I'm not. No, it's actually
an incredibly easy buy.

Wait, when did she tell you?

She didn't.
I was snooping in her room...

Even though I made a deal
with her that I wouldn't...

And I found the pregnancy test
in one of her drawers,

and now I don't know what to do.

You know, this whole
thing reminds me

of when my parents
found out I was gay.

Mom was hanging
clothes in my closet

and found a DVD of
HUNG JURY: 12 Man-gry Men.

And then they told you
that they knew?

Are you kidding?
My parents were amazing.

They didn't say a thing.
They just went out of their way

to let me know that they were
there for me, no matter what.

No judgment.

So you're saying
that's what I should do

so that Shannon will tell me
about the pregnancy?

Actually, I was just telling
a story about myself.

All right, so I am going
to make sure that Shannon knows

that I'm there for her, and then
wait for her to come to me.

Exactly, and before you know it,

she'll be pulling the pregnancy
test out of that drawer, and...

Oh, God.
What?

After I found it,

I was walking around
my apartment in a daze,

and I think I may have left it
on the kitchen counter,

so I need to go home right now
before she comes home

and finds it.Oh. Okay.

So glad we didn't just
do this over the phone.

I'm sorry. I love you.
Thank you.

Bye. Mwah. Love you.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Hey, son.

What you doing here?

I, uh, I have some big news.

You're finally gonna
shave that beard

that makes you look like
that genie from Aladdin?

Oh, Walt.

What's going on, honey?

Guys... Clem's pregnant.

Yes!

Yes, yes!

Yes, yes!

I'm gonna be a grandma!

I'm happy for you, too, son.

I'm just showing it in
a less absolutely insane way.

So, come on, sit,
sit, come on, sit.

So, how did Clem tell you?

That's the thing; She hasn't.

She left the pregnancy test
on the kitchen counter

for me to find because I-I think
she's afraid to tell me.

Why would she be afraid to tell
you that she's gonna have a B...

Baby!

I actually think she was
trying to tell me yesterday

by bringing up us having kids,

but she stopped because I made
her feel like I wasn't ready,

because I'm not. Shut your mouth!

I mean, let's discuss

why is it
that you feel this way.

I don't know.
You know?

The plan was to
wait a few years.

And this is all
happening so fast.

I mean, I just signed up
for a softball league.

Am I gonna be able to do that?

Trust me, when it comes
to having kids,

no one is ever truly ready.

And then your baby is born,

and you see
that perfect little face,

and it just fills
your heart with joy.

And that feeling
never goes away.

And then they grow up.

And cover that face
with a weird beard.

Sweetheart, you are ready
to have this baby.

You really think so?

Are you kidding?

You are gonna be
a fantastic father.

Absolutely.

You know what,
maybe I can do this.

I do have a lot of knowledge
to pass on.

Plus, it'd be nice to
have a little wingman.

'Cause I'm starting to get
a lot of weird looks

when I go to Pixar movies alone.

Oh, it's Clem.
Oh.

She wants to talk.
Mm-hmm.

You know what, I'm gonna
go home and let her know

that she has nothing
to worry about.

I am ready to be a father.

Mm.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah. Ooh.

And I'm ready, too.

I've got a whole closet
full of baby clothes,

folded and ready to go.

Mom, you already
bought baby clothes?

And pacifiers and a diaper genie
and a high chair.

That is not true, Walt.

Actually, the high chair is
still in my Buy Buy Baby cart.

But with one click,
your baby can be sitting high!

Mwah. All right.

No judgment.
No judgment.

Hey, Clem.

There's my favorite sister!

Okay.

Come in. Sit down.

Put your feet up.
Do you want a snack?

I can get you a snack.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Because I care about you.

And I support you
no matter what.

Thanks, Clem.
That's real sweet.

You know what's sweet?
Fresh-baked cookies.

Nah, my stomach's blecch.

Really?

Must have been something I ate.

Or maybe it was something else.

Like what?
What else could it possibly be?

I don't know.
Maybe you're...

Maybe I'm what?
What am I, Clem?

It doesn't matter.

But whatever it is,
you can tell me.

Oh, God. Oh, no.

No, I'm gonna puke!

Shannon?
Shannon?

Hey, Shannon,
are you okay in there?

Oh, I'm fine.

Just give me a minute.

Oh.
Hey, babe.

Good, you're home.
We need to talk.

I know what you want
to talk about.

You do?

I found the pregnancy test,

and-and sure, like, this might
be happening a little early...

A little?
This is a disaster.

And that's what I thought
at first, too, but now...

now I'm really, really happy.

How could you be happy?

We don't even know
who the father is.

We don't know who the father is?

Yeah. I mean, it could be Kyle.

How could it be Kyle?!

I don't know, Nick.
It could be anyone.

Excuse me?

Why are you so surprised?

Because I assumed
that I was the only person

you were having sex with!

What?

No.

I mean yes.

Yes.

No, sweetie.

Sweetie, I'm not pregnant.

Shannon is pregnant.

So, wait, you're not pregnant?

Damn.

Wait, Shannon's pregnant? Damn!

Yeah, but she doesn't know
that I know.

Oh, yes, I do.

'Cause you snooped, you narc.

Who cares that I snooped?
You're pregnant.

Oh, my God, you're not pregnant.

No!

That test was a fake
to prove you were snooping.

Damn it, Shannon,

I am so angry and so relieved,

and so mad and so happy
all at the same time!

I'm texting Kyle,
because according to our deal,

I get to have him sleep over.

The eggplant emoji?

That's right.

I have no idea what
that means, young lady,

but that little punk
is not sleeping over,

as gorgeous as he is.

Yeah, I'm sorry,
but we had a deal.

And once you send
the eggplant emoji,

there's, like, no turning back.

Yeah, well, screw the deal.

This is our house.

And, yes, you can leave
whenever you want,

but as long as you're here
under this roof,

what we say goes.

Hypocrites.

Babe, I just,
I have one question.

Yes, the eggplant is a penis.

Well, then that means
I've been flirting

with my vegan coworker Steven.

Shannon?

Can you take your headphones off
so that you can hear me?

Sorry, I can't hear you.
I'm wearing headphones.

Shannon.

What?

I'm sorry that I
broke the deal. Okay?

But I never should have
made it in the first place.

I'm new to this whole
parenting thing,

and I don't really know
what I'm doing.

But all I know is that
I'm responsible for you.

Yeah, and it's driving me crazy.

Maybe I should just
move back in with Dad,

and go back to my old school,
where the pregnant girls

are nice and share their pee.

You just want
to go back to Dad's

because he lets you do
whatever you want.

Hey, now you're catching on.

Well, that's not me.

And while you're here,

you don't get to do
whatever you want.

Because I'm watching out
for you, Shannon,

which is something that Dad
never did for either of us.

Yeah, well, maybe
that's what I want.

Maybe it is.

But just know that...

Dad wasn't good at
saying this to us,

but... I love you.

I do.

A lot.

So just think about that
before you decide to go.

So, how'd it go?

Terrible.

I think she's gonna
go back to my Dad's.

Sorry, babe.

Yeah, me, too.

But, hey, you should be happy
that we're not having a kid

because I completely
suck at this.

How dare you?!

What? What did I do?

You just had to pull out
the big guns, didn't you?

Telling me you love me.

You're sick, you know that?

Sick!

So you're staying?

Like I have a choice now.

"I love you."
Who says these things?!

I do.

I do, too.

Okay, whatever.

Wait, am I good at this?

Am I, like, really good at this?

Girl, you are fantastic!

Hey, I'm here to see Shannon.

Sorry, man, not happening.

Bro, I don't think
you understand, okay?

She sent me the eggplant emoji.

It's basically the Bat-Signal.

If you don't leave right now,

I'm gonna send you
the cut-up cucumber emoji.

Buh-bye.

That was awesome.

I cannot wait
to make a baby with you.

Mm.

But not for, like,
five to seven years, right?

Minimum.
Mm.

Okay, so let me
get this straight.

You're telling me
that no one is pregnant.

Nope. Just Kimmie
from my homeroom.

But no one in this room is,
if that's what you're asking.

So, sweetheart,
gonna bring out that apple pie?

Oh, that is why we are here.

It's my favorite thing
that she makes.

Oh, really?
No pie for you.

But I was looking
forward to that.

Oh, did you get
your hopes up for something,

just to have them
cruelly dashed?

'Cause I did!

Excuse me.

Mom, are you serious?
I'm serious!

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