Original subtitles

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Hey, watch those bumps!

Yeah, keep your eyes on the road.

Sorry.

Whoa!

Hey!

OK, how do I look?

Like you should have retired 10 years ago.

I wasn't asking you.

You look fine, like the kind of girl I'd like

to bring home to my mother.

Really?

No.

Now, here's a surveillance microphone.

It's the last one, so be careful with it.

It's mine.

Hey, wait a minute, it matches my outfit better.

Give it to Tracy.

You broke the last one from twirling it around too much.

I was just trying to get into character.

Hit the brakes, and put the sign on the van

so we're looking conspicuous.

Ugh, could it be any colder tonight?

Could this skirt be any shorter?

Like, hi.

I should be wearing that skirt [INAUDIBLE] legs.

And a big butt.

OK, if we get them for loitering,

they'll be out by tomorrow morning.

But if we could get them for prostitution,

they'll be in jail for a couple of months.

I know, assault and battery is a one year sentence.

Why don't you see if you can get them

to beat the crap out of you.

Oh, real funny.

Just cover me.

I'll get [INAUDIBLE] Hey you two,

I hear the mayor wants to beautify this city.

Why did you put bags over your faces

and let me work this corner.

Is this too chick crazy, or what?

Hold her down.

I'm going to show her some manners.

Now, Candy, now!

Candy Lavelle, is it you?

Huh?

It's a Mrs. Denton, your history teacher.

I though you were going to be a nurse when you grew up.

What happened?

Candy, what are you waiting for?

Um, can I explain this to you later?

You know, this is the worst-- you're not even

looking in a good neighborhood.

Oh no, you've got it all wrong.

Look at my handcuffs.

My god, you're into kinky sex, as well.

Come on.

Dr. [INAUDIBLE] Wake up!

They got my purse!

Stand up straight and spit out that gum.

And use less makeup from now on.

Mrs. Denton, I'll see you at the 10 year high school reunion

and I'll tell you everything, but I gotta go.

Ow!

I'll bet you're proud of me.

Assault and battery, I should get a promotion.

Tracy, your purse!

Oh yeah, right!

What the hell is this stuff?

How low can you get stealing a hooker's purse?

Yeah, well what are you going to do about it?

Me and my friend will get her back,

my friend Smith and Wesson.

Um, Tracy?

Your friend is your bag.

Thanks for the tip, ladies.

Any last requests?

Um, yeah.

I always wanted to die with a smile on my face.

So how would you like to do us both right here in this alley,

right now.

What?

You heard the lady.

Would you like to see our specialties?

She's got more tricks than a rodeo clown.

Do it, baby.

Wanna see an encore?

[MUSIC PLAYING] Got a pistol my pocket, and baby,

you can knock it.

Put your finger on the trigger, feel it getting bigger,

move a little closer, let me stick it in your holster,

let's do it.

Shoot my bullet.

Got a pistol in my pocket, and baby, you can knock it.

It's got a 12-inch shank and you can make it crank.

Blow it away, just give it a yank and just do it.

Shoot my bullet.

When you roll up in my Levis, you can feel my poking 45.

Got a pistol in my pocket, and baby, you can knock it.

Just [INAUDIBLE] but don't [INAUDIBLE] let's do it.

At last, a job well done, convictions

that will stick and no one around with a video camera

to record your antics.

You know, last time I dressed as a hooker,

someone followed me around with a camera.

I watched cops for months and never saw it.

Really?

I thought even they had standards.

Oh, shut up.

And I'm particularly proud of you, Tracy.

First assignment, not a single mistake.

Hm hm.

Well, I guess you better give me back

that surveillance microphone.

We need it for another job.

I thought you had it.

Don't look at me.

It was your outfit that matched.

You lost it?

I should've known it was too good to be true.

Well, now, now Tracy, I expected more

from you, particularly being Holly's younger sister.

You mean her much younger and much prettier sister?

Oh, and by the way, she has a message for you.

She said she's been in prison for five years now,

and she'd like you to get her out before she goes postal.

Well yeah, I will, when I get around to it.

By the way, Commissioner, where's your son Irwin today?

He was supposed to shine my shoes and polish my car.

You make him do all that stuff for you?

Yeah, he's the next best thing to having a woman around.

Well, Irwin said he was staying at home.

He had some important work to do.

You, uh-- you promised he'd be moving

out of the basement soon.

When is that going to happen?

Oh, someday, Miss Devonshire, someday.

See, Irwin just needs to find the right woman

to settle down with.

All alone with my dream girl.

Oh.

Hi, I'm Heidi Ho, your virtual reality hooker.

What would you like to do?

I want to play a game.

Let's make sure you're 18, first.

Who was the fifth Beatle?

I don't know.

Cher?

Close enough.

What would you like me to wear?

Hm, halter top, mini skirt, six inch spike heels.

How's this?

Oops, I forgot my underwear.

Oh, you must be able to read my mind.

So how much should I charge?

Five dollars.

Five dollars?

Why, you cheap son of a--

I mean, wait.

OK, five dollars.

Would you like me to be a good girl or a bad girl?

Oh, a bad girl, really bad girl.

Get ready.

Here comes level one.

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Oh, yes!

[MOANING]

Dad!

Well, what in blazes do you think you're doing here?

You said you had some very important work to do.

How could you do that?

You could have damaged my hard drive?

I didn't even get a chance to save the game.

Look at this!

The virtual reality hooker?

She's oversexed and underpaid.

Make her your dream girl.

Oh, who would design a game as seedy, sleazy, and degrading

as this?

Some egghead with a 200 IQ and no girlfriend.

Yeah, what I can't understand is how you can waste

your money on trash like this.

Why, isn't pong good enough for you?

Come on, Dad, pong is horribly dated.

The graphics don't even work on my monitor.

Please, shut up.

I don't hear any more about computers.

Miss Devonshire, help me out here.

Explain to him why the real thing is always better?

How would I know?

We've been married for over three months

and you still haven't laid a hand on me.

Do you have to bring that up now?

Never mind.

As for you, young man, we are having

a meeting tomorrow at 11 o'clock,

and I will expect you to be there.

You got it?

Yes, dad.

All right, then.

Hm.

Come along, Miss Devonshire.

I want you to get down on all fours for me.

Oh, I've been dreaming of this moment.

Yes, I want you to help me get something off a high shelf.

Oh, Heidi, if only you were a real girl,

not a graphically enhanced computer image

with high resolution.

Now remember, Councilwoman Capri

will be here at any moment now, and you know what that means.

Time to brown nose again?

No, it's time for you to be on your best behavior.

I didn't vote for her, so does that apply to me, as well?

I am asking for additional funding for the station,

so just behave yourself.

Oh, quick, here she-- here she comes.

Good day, councilwoman.

I'm up here.

Well, how was your drive over here, Councilwoman Capri?

It was fine, until I pulled into your parking lot,

and there was someone in my designated space.

Oh, but that's impossible.

You know, I personally roped off an entire area for you,

put a nice little red carpet out there and everything.

Oops, was that for her?

It's my birthday this week, and I

thought you put it out for me.

Sorry.

Um, did you get those lovely roses that I sent you?

Roses?

No, I never received any roses.

Dr. [INAUDIBLE],, Dr. [INAUDIBLE],,

what happened to those flowers I asked you to deliver?

Hey, I had a date last night, so uh--

I figured why waste them on someone

I didn't know when I could get lucky with them?

I was right.

Tracy, don't you have something nice you'd like

to say to the councilwoman?

Well, at least I voted for you.

That is enough out of all of you people.

I can see now why this one police station

has never received any funding.

Let's just get down to business.

I would like to know if there is any sexual harassment going on

around here.

You girls can tell me, sister to sister.

Does the fact that my husband refuses uses to consummate

our marriage count?

Miss Devonshire, must you always

use the "M" word in public?

[INAUDIBLE] with the restraining devices?

Devonshire!

Well, how about you two girls.

Any problems?

Can you explain that to me a little?

Well, you know, you're trying to get your job done,

and a male co-worker comments on how nice you look in your short

skirt, and then you catch one peering down your blouse,

trying to get a cheap thrill, or trying to cop a feel when

you're working on a deadline.

Does anything like that go on around here, hm?

Oh, like I wish.

That just sounds like a dream job to me.

Let's just get this meeting over with as quickly

as possible, OK?

I have decided that the way your girls dress

is completely inappropriate for the job.

You can barely tell them from the hookers they arrest daily.

I'll have you know that this outfit is a designer original,

and only a really skilled hooker could afford one.

Good one.

Keep your opinions to yourselves.

I think it's a fine idea.

Thank you.

But Councilwoman Capri, there's a perfectly good reason

our girls dress like that.

Why, they make their living enticing unsuspecting males

into quick arrests.

See, they have to look like they're

readily available to anyone who's remotely interested.

Telling you how close to the truth that is.

[INAUDIBLE] Miss Devonshire.

Nothing.

Now, if you just go on back stage,

you'll find the two new uniforms waiting for you.

I use Devonshire here as a role model.

You used me?

I'm so honored.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Yeah, at least when I wear something retro I make sure

it's in style first.

Just go backstage and get changed.

Miss Devonshire, how would you like to help a fellow woman

in uniform find her seat?

Oh, gladly.

By the way, would you happen to know

any convicted sex offenders who might be looking for a place

to work?

[INAUDIBLE]

Where's Irwin?

He's late again.

No wonder why the alarm didn't go off.

It's unplugged.

Ready to play a game?

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

Now, if everyone will please have a seat,

the meeting will now begin.

[LAUGHING]

All right, ladies, time for the shower.

Last one in gets a cavity [INAUDIBLE]

So, is there a new uniform?

These must be them right here.

This isn't at all what I expected.

Yeah, I thought we were going to have

to wear cheap and tasteless outfits,

not nice ones like these.

Quiet in back, please.

I would like to welcome a Councilwoman Capri.

It isn't often that we get a chance to see her here,

in fact, once every four years, when she's up for re-election.

Thank you, thank you.

And remember, the polls are open this Thursday.

Be sure to show up.

Lovely, lovely.

Oh, and yes, and any girls who have

any sexual harassment problems, be

sure to talk to me later today.

I am a sexpert on the subject.

If the city Councilwoman will please have a seat,

I can continue the meeting.

Thank you.

Now, it's my pleasure to unveil for you

now the brand new vice academy uniforms, carefully

selected by Miss Capri.

That's right, for our employees here.

Now, let's take a look at what an older

woman's taste can bring to our youthful employees.

I can't promise you anything, but I know a divorce attorney

who can turn your sexless marriage

to a financial windfall for you.

If you want to take your husband for everything he's got,

let know.

I've got a number.

Well, I was thinking of something more in terms

of a marriage counselor.

Huh, well, whatever floats your boat.

I present for you now the future of the Vice Academy.

[GASPS]

Yeah, all right!

All right!

Hey, show some skin!

You shut up!

What-- what is this, some kind of sick joke?

You two have straddled the line of good taste before,

but this really takes the cake.

Well, then whose are these?

Look, there they are!

You thieves stole our clothes?

These are yours?

Oh, now I'm really embarrassed.

I thought these looked familiar.

That's mine, you piece of--

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I'm sure they'll be happy to return them

if everyone will remain calm.

Come on, more hair flipping!

Do things like this happen here every day?

Unfortunately, they do.

[GRUNTS]

[INAUDIBLE], you two.

Let's go.

Where are the clothes you wanted us to try on?

Could anything worse happen now?

Miss Devonshire, you know very well

that every time you say that, something worse does happen.

Dad, you're not going to believe this.

Irwin, when you better have a darn good reason

for being late.

I do.

Look!

Who's ready for cyber sex?

I told you not to unplug the computer.

Look what happened!

Dr. [INAUDIBLE],, Arrest that woman!

Oh, oh!

[LAUGHING]

Looks like she got away.

I can see that.

She's good.

Just a little too quick.

Oh, you people are pathetic.

Oh god, I have asked very little of you people in the past,

but I'm asking you something now.

Will you please catch that crazy woman?

And I mean it, sister to sister.

What does she mean by that?

She keeps saying it.

Well now, is there anything else you have to add, Irwin?

Well, actually there's a limo outside with the bumper sticker

"Re-elect Councilwoman Capri."

It got broken into.

There's glass everywhere.

You know, whoever owns it really should have parked

it much closer to the building.

This is the worst police station I've ever been to.

I'd like to think my clothing is sacred.

Now I don't know where it's been.

Hey, I think you've got my underwear on.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, watch it!

Cookie, Treat, I've been looking for you all day.

Uh, we got in a little trouble, Bojangles.

What, somebody stiffed you for your money?

No, I can take care of that.

I just cut them up when that happens.

Yeah, we got arrested and some girl stoled our clothes.

But we got them back.

Arrested?

Doesn't sound like you had time to do business.

My rent's due today.

We'll get it for you.

Yeah.

Can we have some money for lunch first?

We haven't eaten since yesterday.

Get to work!

Man, [INAUDIBLE] but someone has got to be kidding.

Wait a second, was it worth five bucks?

She's good, just a bit too quick.

Bojangles [INAUDIBLE]

That woman has become a major threat to our very existence.

She must be stopped.

I agree that cyber slut is the biggest nuisance yet.

Oh, yes, of course.

Her, too.

But I was talking about that feminazi councilwoman.

Well, let's deal with them one at a time.

Very well.

We'll break up into teams.

Do you know what's going on in your parking lot right now?

No, and I don't want to know, either.

Haven't we heard enough from you two today?

Yeah, well some cheap hooker is giving it away for $5.

How are we supposed to earn an honest living?

That's her.

I programmed Heidi to charge $5.

Oh, great.

Anything else you programmed her to do?

Not to wear underwear.

Well, we better catch her before she gets away.

Yeah, catch her so we can get back to work.

Dr. [INAUDIBLE],, get these two cheap sluts out of here.

You've got it.

Not us, you idiot.

Those two.

Sorry, honest mistake.

Let go, let go!

Hey, watch the dress!

Yeah, kick him where it counts!

She's good, man, just a little too fast.

Hurry, hurry, right this way!

There she is!

What do you want?

Get back in your CD-ROM.

Sorry, guys, game over.

Hey, are you going to be holding

up this line for much longer?

Will you please go away before I have you all arrested?

All right, girls, you've had a filth worse than this before.

Take her down!

You asked for it.

What the-- you let her get away!

Well, honestly, Miss Devonshire,

we're used to getting hookers, not Tasmanian devils!

Irwin, I've been looking for you.

Oh, you have?

It's shoeshine day.

You want me to look my best, don't you?

Well, actually, I've got a lot on my mind right now.

Maybe you didn't hear me the first time.

I have a date tonight, and I don't have time to get

my uniform fixed for tomorrow.

I expect to find it done and in my locker first thing

in the morning.

Whatever you say.

Don't have enough to do.

Ah!

What are you doing here?

You wanted me, so here I am, all programmed

to do whatever you want.

I thought I'd never see you again.

This must be a dream.

Pinch me.

Ow, I said pinch me, not punch me.

I know every little detail of what pushes your buttons.

Now, let me show you how good I am.

Oh, where is the camera when you need one?

I aim to please.

You really do think of everything.

Take as many as you like.

Ready to play a game?

Oh, am I ever.

Let's play strip poker.

I'll make the rules.

No.

Let's see what I can download.

Here.

How's this one?

I'll go first.

That isn't what I expected.

I thought you were an adult game.

I am.

But you never reached that level.

You didn't know who the fifth Beatle was.

Next time, I'll pay more attention

in ancient history class.

We could try another one.

I don't want to play anymore computer games.

OK.

How would you like to go to one these exotic locales where they

photograph partially nude women for those magazines

you keep hidden under the bed?

Oh, would I ever.

Any better?

Am I ever.

What buttons do I push to make your clothes disappear?

You can push all my buttons.

COMMISSIONER: Irwin.

Irwin.

Huh?

Huh?

Spend some time on Earth, son.

Are you through with this ironing board?

Oh.

No, I haven't even started yet.

Well, Ms. Devonshire just got home,

and she's got lots of work to do.

There you are.

Maybe it was a dream.

Ah!

Don't do that.

You scared me.

Sorry.

Look, I have a better idea.

Can we go out somewhere where I'll be seen with you?

Others will be jealous, and you can take down my enemies.

Irwin, let's watch the plagiarism here.

I'm not a real girl.

You're close enough.

No, you want a girl that can give you love bites.

All I can give you are megabytes.

Want to talk about RAM?

I get the idea.

Boy, this CD ROM sure was a rip-off.

Oh, Irwin, just because I can't be your girlfriend

doesn't mean I can't help you find one.

There must be someone you have your eye on.

Not really.

Let's try a computer chat line.

I'm sure there's someone eligible

for you on the internet.

I've never had much luck with these before.

Look, someone's online.

Talk to them.

Come over here quick!

Someone's saying hello to us!

Hurry, before they get away!

Hi there.

We're calling from prison.

Quick, hang up.

Don't you want to give them your phone number?

Oh, no, no.

Just forget it.

Well, there must be someone from work you have your eye on.

Let me pull the file.

Oh.

I don't know.

She's too sweet and innocent, kind of

like having sex with Bambi.

Are you kidding?

Do you know what she was arrested

for once before she was a cop?

No, tell me.

Sorry.

It's privileged information, but don't give up yet.

Here, let me pull up another one.

Traci?

Oh, now we're talking, but she won't

even give me the time of day.

She will with my help.

Let me look at her file.

Thrown out of prep school for posing

nude with the school's mascot.

Fired from three jobs for bad attitude.

Voted most likely to date a married politician

and then sell her story to the tabloids.

Boy, you really picked a winner here.

Do you really think you can help me get her?

If that's the classless gold digging tramp you want,

then you got her.

All right!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you sure this is going to work?

It's fool-proof.

This will only cement your relationship.

Now show me where the locker room is.

Hey, Candy, you got a minute?

Like, I'm busy.

Do you mind if I ignore you some other time?

I just need a spot here.

Can you give me a hand?

Yeah, sure.

You do know what a spot is?

I mean, working out is a man's sport.

Just [INAUDIBLE] so I can get back to my reading.

I've been working out for years.

Using your muscles really makes [INAUDIBLE]..

Your jaw muscle must be getting huge

from the workout it's getting.

Can you give me a hand here?

That was some workout.

Next time, try putting some weight on the bar.

So Candy, have you ever done it with Petrolino?

Are you kidding?

He's a sexist pig.

That's what I like in a man.

You know, after all those years of dating prep school boys,

I want a man who can bring the gutter into my bedroom.

Have you ever considered therapy for this?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be 25 again.

Why so sad, Mavis?

Oh, I just got a reply from that inmate on death row

I proposed to.

He turned me down.

I guess he'd rather take the chair than marry me.

Well, cheer up.

There'll be others.

I know.

But this one was a catch.

It's all right.

We'll just live together for the rest of our lives

and keep telling everyone we're sisters.

I should have known something was

wrong when he requested the swimsuit edition of "Boy's

Life."

Ms. Devonshire, you're the only married one between us.

Tell us what it's like getting it on a semi-regular basis.

How would I know?

My husband rolls over and falls asleep before the lights even

go off.

You're pulling our leg.

All those nights I've longed to stare at the ceiling,

imagining I'm with someone else.

They've gone unfulfilled.

I can't believe that.

It's true.

My nights are so empty.

I should start coming to canasta with you two again.

Oh, we've been doing that months ago.

Now we go to male strip joints.

Too bad you're married, or we'd bring you along.

Let's go cash our paycheck in singles again.

You've got it!

Listen to this, "10 Most Popular Sexual Positions."

Think you can guess them all?

I bet I've done them all.

Well, except maybe that last one.

Hey, is upside down on the list?

Not here.

What about the back seat of a car?

Ms. Devonshire!

Honestly, can't I even live vicariously?

Hey, you all set?

Just watch them find it.

Look what someone stuck in my locker--

a book on Mapplethorpe, 200 pages of male sex organs.

Would you call this art?

Considering it's only one I've seen recently,

I'd call it a masterpiece.

Ms. Devonshire!

Well, it's the truth.

[SNICKERING]

Look what someone left in my locker.

"Wanted, girl willing to ruin her looks

for a punk rock video.

Get ready to be pierced, tattooed, have

your head shaved, and your"--

well, I can't make out that word--

"dyed green.

Possible deferred pay."

You did this, didn't you?

Candy, even though I'm laughing at your expense,

it does not mean that I did it.

You have to admit, it is pretty funny, though.

She's right.

I mean, what's wrong with a harmless practical joke?

I mean, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can?

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh.

Excuse me.

Hello?

WOMAN (ON PHONE): Yes, I was just there with my husband.

Could you page him for me?

My name is Lois, last name, Standards.

Hold on.

I'm looking for the man with Lois Standards.

Could somebody please help me find

the man with Lois Standards?

[LAUGHTER]

All right, who is this?

How dare you play a cruel and uncalled for joke

at my expense?

[GIGGLING]

Hello?

Hello?

Oh.

What if an important police call were coming in?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

I don't care who's burglarizing your house right now.

I'm busy.

Somebody's going to pay for this!

What's the matter, Ms. Devonshire?

I mean, if you can't laugh at yourself, then who can?

Shut up, Candy!

Who is making a mockery of our employees?

It was me!

It was me!

I confess.

Boy, I really had you guys going.

You did this?

I hope you have a good explanation, young man.

Well, I was trying to impress Traci.

And I figured what better way than by showing her

I can be both immature and cruel at the same time?

So now will you go out with me?

Irwin, while I will admit that finding humor

at others' expense is amusing, it's

hardly enough to earn a date.

Next time, get me a gold card.

You mean, I did all this for nothing?

Not for nothing, young man.

You and I are going to have a long conversation

about you humiliating others for your own entertainment.

Now come with me.

But Dad!

And I've got a lesson for you for questioning my sexuality.

Uh, if you don't want that anymore, I'd be

glad to take it off your hands.

Be my guest.

ALL: No.

Yes.

No.

No.

Yes.

And that time when you were five years old-- flushed

an entire roll of toilet paper.

Now, son, that wasn't funny, was it?

And don't forget the infamous cherry bomb incident.

Nor the time that you put Ex-Lax in the candy dish.

Tsk tsk tsk.

I get the idea.

I won't do it again.

Good boy.

Now run along.

Hi there.

Shut up.

Where's my uniform?

I forgot.

You know, I didn't have a chance to do it.

Well, you still seemed to have plenty

of time left for your pranks.

[INAUDIBLE] Why don't you shine my shoes

right now using your tongue?

You know, if you're worried about people

questioning your sexuality, don't

you think that's a bad idea?

Dude, I'll beat the living crap out of you.

Now, I want you to listen to me carefully.

Who the hell is this?

Shut up and don't turn around!

From now on, I want you to leave Irwin alone.

Because when you mess with him, you mess with me.

And take my word for it.

You don't want to get me angry.

Give me back my gun.

I'm not finished yet!

No more getting him to do your chores for you.

If I ever catch you bothering him again,

I'm going to shoot off that part of your body

you get the most pleasure from.

[INAUDIBLE] you don't mean it.

That's right, the finger that you use on the remote control

to go back and forth between the football game and adult

movie on Pay-Per-View.

Oh god, no.

I would rather be dead.

I'll leave him alone, I promise.

Good.

Let's start with a little game.

It's called Lights Out.

Why did you do that?

I'm going to be in so much trouble when he wakes up.

Don't worry.

He won't remember a thing, except to leave you alone.

Who's on the floor?

I don't know.

Hey.

Hey!

What happened to you?

Someone snuck up from behind and cold cocked me.

Who would do something like that?

Well, I can name a few people.

You come with me, and I'll make you feel all better.

I'd like that.

Well, today is Tuesday.

Did anyone vote before the polls closed?

No.

No.

No.

What about you, sir?

No, no.

I didn't have time either.

Well, I suppose we should check the election returns, hm?

Hey, don't touch that!

No!

It's Drag Queen Makeover Day on the Joan Blake Show.

[INAUDIBLE]

REPORTER (ON TV): Today's campaign

results are finally in.

Former councilwoman Capri lost today's election

by a mere four votes.

It's a sad day for our city.

She had promised to allocate half a million in funds

to the local police station if she were re-elected.

Anything you'd like to say to the public, Ms. Capri?

Yes.

It is the fault of those damn officers in that frickin'

Vice Academy.

And they can all kiss my ass!

REPORTER (ON TV): And here's what she meant to say,

according to her attorney.

Oh, sir.

What you need right now is a little TLC.

Oh, Ms. Devonshire, you know I hate rap music.

I was talking about my companionship.

Oh.

Oh.

Uh, no, not right now.

Well, if not now, when?

When I have less on my mind!

I think it's time for us to seek professional therapy.

Ms. Devonshire, any relationship that needs therapy

is not worth saving.

What's the name of this quack anyway?

Dr. Tiffany Berkowitz.

That name sounds familiar.

So how did you hear about me?

Did you attend my seminar, I'm OK, You Need Prozac?

No, we saw your infomercial on late night television.

No, you mean you saw it.

I don't waste my time watching such inanities on the tube.

I'm sensing hostility here.

Shut up.

Sit down.

Now, let's see if we can explore this and get

to the root of your problem.

What brings you to Dr. Tiffany Berkowitz, sex therapist?

Sex therapist?

I thought we were going to a marriage counselor.

Let me do the talking.

My husband refuses to consummate our marriage.

Do you always have to spit that out, Ms. Devonshire?

Terrible.

Have you found an outlet for your frustration?

No, mine's battery-powered.

I'm talking about other human contact.

Men are a dime a dozen.

I ought to know.

Oh!

Oh, I see you found a qualified professional here.

Did I say it was your turn to speak?

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me, I'll be just one minute.

Hello?

Oh, Ethel, it's you.

How are you?

I'm right in the middle of a session, Ethel.

I can't talk long.

Now, Ethel, you know I cannot divulge

that kind of information.

All right.

It's the police chief and his wife.

Or is it his mother?

I haven't determined it yet.

Yeah.

He's having the usual man trouble.

Ah, let me get back to you, Ethel.

All right.

All right.

Bye bye.

That Ethel, she is such a gossip.

Now I have an idea here.

Let's determine if your husband won't have sex with you

or can't have sex with you.

Hey there, big boy.

Come to mama.

What are you doing?

Get away from him.

Calm down, just trying to find a solution.

He sees enough women like you at work.

Try something else.

All right.

OK, commissioner.

Let's hear from you.

Well, I don't, um--

I don't think that I have a problem.

It's just that every night, every night when we go to bed,

she turns into the--

the clown doll from "Poltergeist."

And she just sits there with this insane look on her face,

just waiting to make her attack.

I do not!

I've never been accused of being an aggressive woman.

Now I'm beginning to see the light here.

Maybe she needs to ease off a little bit.

Let you take your time.

You know, it has been very stressful lately at work.

It's been three months already.

OK, new idea.

So who turns the lights off first when you think of sex?

I've-- I've had enough of this quackery.

Can we-- can we just go home now?

Fine.

Fine.

But don't say I didn't try.

That'll be $150.

$150?

I was under the impression that you therapists

used a sliding scale.

Where do you think you are?

I am a Beverly Hills boutique therapist.

Now you can just slide yourselves right out of here.

Well, let's get out of here quick

before she raises her rate.

Hello, Ethel?

Have I got stories for you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's really flattering when a guy goes to the trouble

of making dinner for me.

Yeah, well, I've always found it the easiest way to get

a woman out of her clothes.

Oh, I love it when you talk that way.

You don't mince your words, do you?

I hate mixed signals.

Do you live here alone?

The only way to go.

What do you say we skip the second entree

and go straight for dessert?

I didn't make any dessert.

Oh.

I always come prepared.

Oh, Petrolino.

Oh, baby.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Are you still here?

I'm upgrading my libido.

Oh, you are going to get me in a lot of trouble.

My dad's looking for you.

I have some money for you.

Here's today's earnings.

You programmed me.

You deserve it.

There's over $100 here.

I was only in business for a few minutes, but I'm fast.

Buy yourself some new clothes.

Anything else I can help you with?

Well, do I still have a shot at getting Traci?

It might be a little late, but you never know.

Ready for level two?

[SHATTERING]

COMMISSIONER: Irwin, what's going on down there?

Say, what's all the racket down here, young man?

Uh, just playing Pong.

Ms. Devonshire, will you come downstairs please?

What are you supposed to be?

Well, you seem to think I'm some sort of clown

waiting to pounce on you.

Thought we'd try a little role playing.

And you wonder why you're not getting any.

I was hoping that maybe you could

give Irwin here a few tips on how to get a girlfriend.

Well, appearance is very important.

Maybe I'm talking to the wrong person.

What are you looking at, young man?

Nothing.

It's just not every day I have a clown in my bedroom.

Huh.

Me neither.

Well, come on, Ms. Devonshire.

It's getting late.

Ready to go play The Circus is in Town?

Hm.

I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

My compliments to the chef.

I could say the same.

So what are you two laughing about?

Nothing, you would have had to been there.

So Petrolino, how about another entree tonight?

Whoa!

Did you get dressed in the dark?

What's the matter with it?

Petrolino, you take this one.

You look fine.

Come on, rip into him.

I don't know what to say.

Do you think they have the same outfit in my size?

You're losing your touch.

I could always count on you to make him feel

bad for a few cheap laughs.

Try again.

My mind is blank on this subject.

So what are we doing for dinner tonight?

Get real.

Boy, did I misjudge you.

You do have a kind heart.

What was I thinking?

Traci, wait.

Get lost.

Give me a minute.

Don't pay any attention to them, Irwin.

I think you look nice.

You do?

Yeah.

Hey, so do you want to maybe go to the movies later?

I think "Bambi" is playing.

You don't say.

Oh, Fern, your idea of dressing as a clown

didn't work either.

You're kidding.

It was foolproof.

What am I going to do?

My honeymoon's over, and it never even started.

Your marriage is starting to sound like a Patsy Cline song.

I'm falling to pieces.

What about this game show, "Fit for a Queen"?

You'd be perfect.

Contestants go on and whine about

all the misery in their lives.

The one who's the most pitiful wins [INAUDIBLE] prizes.

Yeah.

If your life isn't pathetic, then whose is?

You're right.

But my husband hates it when I air

our dirty laundry in public.

Even if you could win a toaster oven for it?

Fair enough.

It's time I turn my lemons into lemonade.

[BUZZ]

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, everyone, and welcome to "Fit for a Queen,"

the television show where women embarrass themselves

for cheap and tasteless prizes.

Well, it's time to meet our first contestant.

Welcome Thelma Louise Devonshire,

whose name alone should be worth a couple of prizes, huh?

Oh, thank you.

Now are you ready to hear about my problem?

Whoa, hang on.

Where's the fire?

Let's introduce you first, learn a little bit about you.

Tell us about your job.

Well, I work with a bunch of morons.

I don't know which is worse, the hookers we arrest

or the undercover cops who impersonate them.

All I know is they make my life a living hell.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can I say that on television?

We'd prefer that you didn't.

Well, anyway, these girls came to my wedding,

and they broke all my gifts.

And then I still had to write thank you notes.

But that's the worst of it!

My husband refuses to consummate our marriage.

Gee, you wonder why.

I've even tried dressing as a clown during sex.

Nothing seems to work.

Well, I think it's time to meet our next contestant.

Why, my goodness, it's former councilwoman Jean Capri!

Oh, you think her life is bad.

Well, you should hear about mine.

I used to be on the city council until I

went to her police station, and her girls humiliated me.

And I lost the election.

They only humiliated her for one afternoon.

I've had to deal with it for 12 years.

Now Ms. Devonshire, is it your turn?

Continue, Ms. Capri.

Thank you.

I was planning on skimming taxpayer revenues,

so I could go on a trip around the world

with my new boyfriend.

And then he left me for another woman who had a job.

He's a two-bit gigolo.

My, how will you ever afford another?

And then-- and then my car got broke into.

And I had to drown my sorrows in cheap liquor.

You want some?

I know what it feels like to be an alcoholic,

because I'm a chocoholic.

Now Ms. Devonshire, did she interrupt

when it was your turn?

Oh, no.

She was passed out.

Well, I think it's clear who our winner is.

But let's go to the old applause meter, shall we?

And for Ms. Devonshire and her sexless marriage.

[FAILURE SOUND EFFECT]

Aw.

And now Ms. Jean Capri and her fall from office.

[TRIUMPHANT FANFARE]

Yeah, we definitely have a winner here

and a great big check for $5,000 paid out to the rehab center

of your choice.

Oh, that's good.

Now I can go dry out [INAUDIBLE]..

And don't think we've forgotten

about you, Ms. Devonshire.

As a consolation prize, we have this lovely package

of [INAUDIBLE] detox patches to help with your addiction

as well.

Well, anybody out there in TV land you'd like to say hi to?

There sure is.

Thanks a lot, Mavis, and you, too, Fern.

Now hurry up and switch the channels

before the commissioner comes in and sees me.

If he catches me on television airing our dirty laundry,

Lord knows what he'll do.

Well, that's it for now.

We'll see you next time on "Fit for a Queen."

What in blazes is she up to now?

Don't be angry with her.

Yeah.

She was just trying to win some cheap prizes behind your back.

[WHIMPERING]

She emasculates me further every day.

[CLEARING THROAT] Out on business, Ms. Devonshire, hm?

Well, uh, yes!

I'm afraid you're not getting off the hook on this one.

First it was that clown suit and now local television.

When will it stop?

We're not feeling so well.

There's some kind of virus.

I've been sick since I had sex in your parking lot.

We ought to sue.

Do you want to see my rash?

Let's get out of here!

Ah, but we're not finished!

Whew!

I thought they'd never leave us alone.

I think we need to go see a doctor.

Maybe it was your edible underwear I had last night.

Shut up, you stupid jerk.

Does everyone have to know?

So what's going on here now?

Well, it seems that everyone that's had sex with that cyber

slut is sick now.

Irwin, when's the last time you checked

your computer for viruses?

I don't know.

Well, maybe it's time.

So where did you get yours, Traci?

From eating a pork product?

Oh, shut up.

Remind me to smack you one when I feel better.

I better be getting home.

Irwin, is there--

is there something going on that you should tell us, son?

Uh, no.

Nothing.

Do you want me to go with you?

Oh, no, I can handle it myself.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOG BARKING]

You got me in really big trouble this time.

I've been waiting to say goodbye.

It's time to move on to level three, Irwin.

I've done everything I can here.

Level three, what are you talking about?

All these people at the police station

have a virus after being with you.

Boy, there's a lesson to be learned here.

Just run a computer disinfectant program by them,

and they'll be fine.

Now, if that's all you wanted, I'll be seeing you.

I thought you were mine.

I bought the game.

With each day, I move on to the next level.

Now I'm on three.

I am going to become the Hollywood Cyber Madam.

I'm going to turn around the prostitution of this city.

My father is not going to like that.

Too bad.

He's right about one thing, though.

Next time, stick to Pong.

Ow!

Ow!

Oh.

Ow.

Ugh, that one didn't work either.

Be patient.

One of them will make you feel better.

Ow!

Can't we do this orally?

We got to get that bug where it's bit you.

This is the worst.

Well, it looks pretty funny from this end.

Ugh, would you shut up?

Here, just hold this.

It'll get rid of your virus.

This is all your fault.

Oh, I won't be able to sit down for weeks.

Hmph, well, that'll be a first.

Well, you're not going to like what's next.

The virtual reality hooker's moved

on to the next game level.

She's taking over the city's prostitution,

becoming the Hollywood Cyber Madam.

Great.

Anything else?

Yeah, I should have stuck to Pong.

How-- how do you know all this, young man?

Have you been in cahoots with her?

She has been staying with me in the basement

for the last couple of days.

Oh, this is just great.

She's been living under our roof.

She took off today.

I don't know where she went.

Just think-- the city overrun with

prostitution and corruption.

You know, we may have to take to the roof as snipers

to reinstate law and order.

Oh, no, you don't.

I got four flat tires the last time you tried that.

We need a different plan.

Hm.

How can we get her back into that computer

before it's too late?

You got me.

But if you have any ideas, you let me know.

No, no, no.

I'm afraid this is all your fault.

You are going to have to come up with the answer.

Yeah.

Just think, if I were a virtual reality hooker,

where would I be right now?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, two girls.

No waiting.

Step right up!

We're not getting any younger.

What do you think you're doing?

I want you to meet your new boss.

I don't work for no one.

Girls, get this crazy broad away now.

[CAR HORN BEEPS]

I think you should reconsider my offer.

I give up.

I give up.

I thought you'd see it my way.

What do you want with my business anyway?

You seem to be suffering from an overinflated marketplace.

You need to think more of supply and demand.

What is she talking about?

How do we do that?

By lowering your price to $5 per customer.

You've got to be kidding.

We're worth a little more than that.

What you lose in quality you will make up in quantity.

And here's a free sign for advertising.

Get to work.

There's a mattress in the alleyway.

HOOKER: Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Next!

Oh.

You should have kept your socks on.

Next!

We want to turn ourselves in.

We're giving up on lives of crime.

Well, that is very commendable, girls.

We want to dedicate ourselves to community service.

Yes, giving something back, something non-communicable.

Oh, well, this is a first.

I've never seen anything like it.

All right, suckers!

Put your hands up, and don't try anything funny.

I should have known it was too good to be true.

We want your wallets, all your jewelry, and any major credit

cards you have.

I've never seen such brazen behavior.

Shut up before we pump some lead into you.

Do you honestly think you can rob a police station

and get away with it?

[LAUGHS] Other stations, no.

This one, yes.

Could anything worse happen?

[INAUDIBLE] saying that.

Here, Dad.

I cashed your check.

Small unmarked bills, just like you wanted.

Thanks, Irwin.

No, thank you.

Hey, Ms. Devonshire, here's the 50 bucks I owe you.

Thank you.

Here's your priceless silver set I borrowed

that's quite an heirloom.

HOOKER: We'll take that.

Hey, Ms. Devonshire, you know that lottery ticket

you wanted me to get you?

It's a winner.

10,000 bucks can sure buy you lots of dreams.

You can sure say that again.

Ms. Devonshire, a probate attorney was just here.

You just inherited a mansion in England, and it's haunted.

Was that everyone?

Candy, my gun!

It's in my purse.

Huh?

Thanks for sharing.

Now, everyone stay put.

It's time to say good bye.

Bye bye.

Well, don't just stand there!

After them!

They did have an awfully fake gun.

Well, at least our debt is even.

That silver set did need to be polished.

Maybe I read the number wrong on the lottery ticket.

Who would live in a haunted house anyway?

I never did like that purse.

Boy, did we clean up today over 10,000 bucks.

In five minutes?

You girls are fast.

Get real.

We robbed the police station.

A lot quicker than 5 bucks a trick.

Smart thinking.

Come on, hand it over.

Got anymore ideas?

This is just the beginning.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm afraid things have gotten just too far out of hand.

I've decided to call on a pair of specialists

to help us get matters back under our control again.

Oh, sir, you took my advice and contacted that doctor

who does penile implants.

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Girls, I'd like you to meet Dilbert Feeney, computer genius

and creator of the Virtual Reality Hooker,

and Captain Hank Grisham, head of the local SWAT team here,

in case things get ugly.

Hello.

Hi there.

Now let's keep this simple.

They're both going to need new partners

while on duty here, so who wants to work

with the SWAT commander?

[SQUABBLING INDISTINCTLY]

Girls, must you fight over everything?

I guess he's mine.

Oh, very well.

Now, [CLEARS THROAT] Captain Hank Grisham,

meet your new partner, Traci.

The honor's all mine.

You can say that again.

Yeah.

And Dilbert, meet your new partner, Candy.

Hi.

I used to be such a nerd in high school.

[INAUDIBLE]

You don't say.

Hey, say, Dilbert, isn't it a rare phenomena

for a computer-generated character to break

out into the real world?

Well, you'd think so, but it's happened in six

or seven other movies so far.

You know, the Virtual Reality Hooker

was my best-selling CD ROM.

It helped put me through college and pay

for my first two houses.

You know, I'm not used to a guy with brains.

I mean, I prefer them dumb but cute.

But then what have I got to offer a relationship, you know?

Yeah.

I used to think education was important, until I discovered

the lure of making money.

Now I'm trying to break into the Fortune 500.

Break in?

Can't you get arrested for that?

No, it's just a listing of businesses.

Oh.

I guess my lack of savvy really shows now, huh?

You see, that's what I like about you.

You can look deep inside a person

and like them for who they really are,

not just judging by their exterior.

Yep.

That's me, all right.

It's OK, Candy.

I'm not used to being treated like a piece of meat.

It'll be a new experience for me.

Well, you came to the right place.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS] Wait.

Not upside down, I've done that one already.

OK.

Hey. Hey.

Not so rough with that joy stick.

Oh, [LAUGHS] sorry.

[MOANING]

Ugh, some days, it just doesn't

pay to get out of your futon.

Say, you wanna know what I keep in here

for those cold lonely nights?

Would you shut up?

I'm trying to listen to something here.

Hey, Traci, do you know where the computer genius is?

Irwin, tell me something.

How can you tell that this guy right

here isn't a computer whiz?

[CHUCKLES] That's easy.

He doesn't look like he has a manual dexterity of someone who

sits behind a keyboard all day.

Us computer guys can really work magic with our fingers.

You don't say.

He's right in there.

Don't bother knocking.

Uh, like, hi.

Sorry to interrupt.

Here's a copy of the game you wanted.

Oh, great.

I'll see if I can find a bug in the program.

OK, so you can go now.

Honestly, Candy, doing it on a computer table?

I thought even you had standards.

Oh, shut up already.

Say, didn't I see you at last month's

science fiction convention?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was terminating fat girls in the hotel lobby.

Oh, wait til next month.

They're showing all the "Trek" movies in order.

And then they're discussing how the bridge changes in each one.

Really?

I can't wait.

Irwin, can't you tell that we have, like, some work to do?

You know, you really should read

the warning labels on these before you play these games.

You know, if you tamper with them in any way,

who knows what can happen?

You know, I always keep a portable computer game

with me on those long trips.

I play a pretty mean game of Pong.

Anyone want to try me?

Huh?

Uh, no.

Let me guess, did you program her to be

a good girl or a bad girl?

Bad girl.

A really bad girl.

Why do I even bother making good girl one of the options?

Let's change her back, see if it does any good.

Wait a minute, something's wrong.

The access code has been denied.

[BEEPING]

You OK?

Yeah.

Someone's just pulling my scuzzy chain.

It may take a while to find a new one.

[SIRENS]

Honestly, whose car alarm is that?

It's not mine.

My hummer's rigged that if anyone goes near it

gets 5,000 volts of electricity.

Isn't that dangerous to leave on all the time?

No, not at all.

Actually, it's quite funny when someone tries

to wash my windows for $1.

Petrolino, is that yours?

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't look at me.

My corvette alarm clears when you're

in love with a beautiful woman if anyone gets too close.

Uh, no, it doesn't.

Traci and I [INAUDIBLE] and disconnected it this morning.

Oh, will someone please turn off that infernal racket?

I'll do it!

I just hope the owner is a handsome millionaire

who wants to make me an indecent proposal.

Who's making that disturbance?

That'll be me!

I'm the guilty party.

What do you think you're doing?

You're going to help me get money in my pocket.

You already got my silver set, a mansion in England,

and a winning lottery ticket.

Isn't that enough for one day?

Shut up.

We've got a [INAUDIBLE].

Just last week, there was a hostage

standoff at the local bank.

They called in my team.

I was in charge, of course.

Two minutes flat, bam bam bam.

It was over.

The city sure is lucky to have you on their side.

You got that right.

I may be in court several months, though.

[INAUDIBLE] a few too many civilians

in the crossfire again.

Aw.

I like you, Hank, you know.

You're-- you're like the son that I never had.

I know Oh, sorry, Irwin.

Didn't see you standing there.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh.

Yellow?

Listen up, man.

I got one of your employees here.

And I want $5,000 in ransom to get her back.

I'm more than an employee!

I'm the commissioner's wife!

Make that 10,000.

Ow!

Yes.

Yes.

I know right where it is.

I'll take care of her.

Somebody has kidnapped Ms. Devonshire!

And they want $10,000 for her safe return!

Where are you going to get that kind of money from?

Who says I'm going to pay?

Why, that's what why we have Hank here,

the best sharpshooter around.

Why, if anyone can get her back, you can, can't you, Hankie?

You can count on me, sir.

When an innocent child is kidnapped from her family,

I'll be there.

When a loyal group of wholesome employees

get a surprise visit from a former worker, I'll be there.

When our American embassy is taken

hostage by angry revolutionaries, I'll be there.

Man, you make me proud of to be an American.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes.

I see.

Gotta go.

I just received an urgent message.

My services are needed in Washington immediately.

It seems someone is flying a small aircraft a little too

close to the White House again.

Aw, too bad.

Well, that's all right.

Traci, Candy, they can take care of it, can't you?

Girls, grab some tear gas and a couple of assault rifles.

Sir, do you think you're making a wise choice?

No.

It's never stopped me before.

Oh, and, uh, girls, bring her back as soon as you can, huh?

Tomorrow's laundry day.

So Traci, have you ever held a hostage situation before?

No, never.

Well, at least I'm not the only one.

Hank, any last minute advice?

Always wear protection when visiting a foreign brothel.

Excuse me, ladies.

Your husband must really love you to cough

up the ransom money so quickly.

He said he'd pay you?

Sure did.

Now I know I'm dead.

So what are we supposed to do with this knapsack?

I don't know.

It should be full of things that we need.

What have we got?

Um, let's see.

We got trench foot cream, penicillin,

leopard striped underwear, and a copy

of the best brothels in Europe.

Where's the tear gas?

Oh, Candy, you took Hank's bag by mistake.

Oh, he's going to be one unhappy camper.

[INAUDIBLE] So do you remember any of the advice he gave you?

Something about civilians in the crossfire, and then

blah blah blah, it was over.

Dad, here's the walkie talkies you wanted.

Now we can follow what Candy and Traci are doing.

Good!

Good work.

Of course, you gave them one before they left, right?

I was supposed to give them one?

Well, at least they showed up.

OK, I see them in the distance.

I have an idea.

Maybe he'll think the money is in this bag.

Throw it far away from him, so then when he walks away,

we'll make our move.

OK.

Here goes.

OK, here's the money!

Get ready to release her.

Throw it.

Good shot, huh?

You were supposed to miss him.

Oops, sorry.

God, I wish I would've been listening

when Hank was talking.

Maybe I would have learned something.

You people got your money.

How about letting me go?

I wasn't born yesterday.

I want to see it first.

Hand it to me.

Here you go.

Don't you trust the police department?

Yeah, right.

Why, you--

Now we bring out both barrels.

Hey, I found a new password.

We've got her now.

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

My mind has suddenly gone blank, and now I'm wearing underwear.

There goes our bluff.

Get ready to open fire.

OK.

Hey, this gun is jammed.

Watch it!

[GUN SHOTS]

[SCREAMING]

Stop shooting!

I give up!

I give up.

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't

seen it with my own eyes.

How could we have the top SWAT specialist at our station

and I get you two to rescue me?

Just lucky I guess.

Let go of me, you cyber fool.

And don't forget these two.

Well, here we are.

Another job well done.

Ms. Devonshire.

It's good to have you back again.

You really mean that?

Oh, of course I do.

It's almost time for you to make dinner.

Would you believe she had captured these two?

I guess my reprogramming worked.

COMMISSIONER: Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

And now, you two are going to have

to give back that lottery ticket and everything else

that you have stolen.

There goes our bail.

Can I say something?

What is it?

You people are crazy.

I just want to be locked up and taken away.

You heard the man.

We aim to please.

So are you single?

Any plans once you get released?

You're not talking to me, are you?

I was worried about you, Candy.

It's good to have you back unharmed.

That's so sweet.

You do care.

Oh.

So Petrolino, were you worried about me?

You're darn right I was.

You still need to reconnect my car alarm.

Well, you're all just in time to see

us send that virtual reality hooker back to the computer.

No!

Don't send her back.

She's the closest thing to a real girlfriend I ever had.

Oh, Irwin, be reasonable.

There's still plenty of girls out there for you.

Oh!

Take Candy, for instance.

Oh, as if!

Well, I guess you're right.

But before you send her back, can somebody please tell me

who the fifth Beatle was?

Hey, here's that new program I was working on.

It has all the bugs removed from the first version.

Just reinstall it.

It should be ready to go.

That's all?

Yep.

Well, I've got to go now.

Doing my first college lecture today.

It only pays 10 grand, but what the heck.

Well-- well, wait.

Maybe you need somebody to hold your pointer for you.

That's right.

Get out of here, you computer geek.

I used to wipe my feet on nerds like you back in high school.

Wow, Petrolino, I haven't heard

you talk like that for days.

Let's have dinner tonight, on me.

Now you're talking.

All right, quit stalling.

You know what you have to do, Irwin.

Can you just give me a minute?

I'm really going to miss you.

This was the best week I've ever had.

I get kidnapped, and this was your best week?

I only have one thing to say.

Stuart Sutcliffe.

Huh?

The fifth Beatle.

OK.

I'm ready.

Bye.

Very good.

Sir, when can I get my winning lottery ticket

and estate in England back?

Well, you can't.

No, we have to hold that as state's evidence, you know.

We can never return it to you, the innocent victim.

In fact, I was thinking of using it for the funding

that we never got from the councilwoman.

What?

But that money belongs to me.

Ms. Devonshire, don't you care at all about the future

of the Vice Academy?

Yes.

I'd like to see it go on forever.

Good.

Good.

That's what I hoped you'd say.

Dad, don't!

Remember what happened last time?

Oh, good one.

What's going to happen, huh?

I'm going to suddenly turn into the virtual reality pimp?

I'm smoking.

Oh, somebody stop him.

What the--

I better call Dilbert and get another disc.

Oh!

What's shaking, mama?

How 'bout a little motion with the ocean?

Irwin, put that phone down.

This is the best thing that's ever happened.

You better get a move on, woman!

The night is young and it's time to get done, [INAUDIBLE]

You don't have to tell me twice.

Well, let's see what computer game she left me.

WOMAN: Ready to play Global Thermonuclear Warfare?

Cool.

MAN: Irwin!

[MUSIC PLAYING]