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(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

MAN: Look, I'll be in and out of there before you know it.

In fact, I'll bring you some lunch.

We can talk over a sandwich if you like.

MAN 2: Of course, I can send you a brochure.

Why don't our aides follow-up again in about 10 business days.

Allow me to send you a CD-ROM outlining our entire production plan.

MAN: One thing I can promise you is that at our first meeting

I will not be trying to sell you a single solitary thing.

I just want to get to know you and your company.

MAN 2: We did this last year, but the upgrades on

all the parts is the only way to guarantee...

MAN: If I knew where Westchester, New York was,

I'd be in the city in 20 minutes to show you our new product.

MAN 2: I know it's a big investment.

That's why I spent a great deal of time

customizing this plan for you.

MAN 3: Don't make me come show you how to do your fucking job.

The Saint Paul office is really struggling.

Same with Phoenix and Tulsa.

John is really starting to worry.

Hi, Jaime.

MAN: ...process analysis, sample filtration...

Yeah, the vacuum inlet-outlet.

MAN 2: I'll get back to you on that, sir.

I think it's 22 BLI, but... Hello? Hello?

Yes, I will take care of everything

from implementation to training.

It's my pleasure, please.

BRECKENRIDGE: Look, I've talked to my manager. That's my best offer.

No, wait, wait, wait. I can do better.

WOMAN: Larry, wife three on line two.

LARRY: Shit!

HURLY: Guardia can't touch that price.

How? Because it is my job to have that information. Oh, really?

You know what? Fuck you.

I don't need your fucking business.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck!

Morning, Ted. Hey.

He'll be with you in a moment.

Oh, hey. Ted.

(STUTTERING) Thanks for coming in.

(STUTTERING) How's it going with Jaime?

He's an idiot.

I wanted you to be the first one to see the DLX 179.

Six years in the pipeline. The R&D guys finally did it.

It's like I always say.

Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.

Do you realize how much money we're gonna make selling this thing?

In the first six months, I bet we make like...

Oh, hey, hold on. Hold on! Hold on!

Hold, hold, hold, hold.

All right! All right! The truth is

I want to talk about the upcoming quarter.

I know. I know. I'm a big pain in the ass,

but the fact is as your sales go, so goes the whole team's.

Do you remember Fisher? From Cincinnati?

Yeah, he's a prick.

Yeah, well, he was also a topnotch salesman,

and then he starts hitting the bottle,

and before you know it, the whole Midwest division sales go down with him.

I'm telling you, if we don't meet this quarter's projections,

it's going to be sayonara for old John boy here.

No ifs, ands, or buts.

Well, you better learn to sell shoes

or suck cock real fucking fast.

(SIREN WAILING)

I'm really excited to be in New York.

It's always been a dream of mine.

New York, New York. It's a heck of a town.

My mom loved that song.

So John tells me that you are the number one salesman in the division,

maybe the whole company.

You know, I was the number one salesman in my old job. Yep.

(EXCLAIMS)

(HORN HONKING)

(CHUCKLES)

Wow.

So, uh, what do you say, since we're both reigning champs,

that we have a little friendly

sales competition this quarter

for say dinner at Le Bernardin's?

I'll take that as a yes.

How about if I sweeten the pot a little bit?

Put this baby in, huh?

I sold more than my entire division

put together to earn this baby.

This trophy makes me so happy.

Nobody's happy. I'm happy.

No, you're not. You're miserable.

You don't even know me. Trust me. Your life sucks.

No, no, my life is actually pretty good.

What's so great about your fucking life?

I've got a new job. I've got a new house.

I'm getting married soon.

(LAUGHS) I've finally started taking art classes.

Yeah, listen, Jimmy. Jaime.

Yeah, like it fucking matters.

Everything you see, everything you feel, is nothing.

This job, this car,

that polyester bargain-basement suit you're wearing

is totally meaningless.

As far as beating me is concerned,

what you should worry about is getting one sale,

(HORN HONKING) 'cause if you don't,

'cause if you fucking don't, they're gonna ship your sorry ass back to...

Where the fuck are you from again?

I'm from Solon, Ohio. Really?

Yeah. It's a pretty cool place. Yeah.

Pretty cool place? Really?

Then why the fuck did you leave,

you sorry son of a bitch?

It was, uh, working great this morning.

I even laid in all the schematics digitally for simplicity, right, Ted?

Right. Well.

What you would be seeing if this thing was,

(PROJECTOR STARTS WORKING) you know, working...

Wait. Oh, there it is. That's good. Okay. Good.

All right...

(SIGHS)

(INAUDIBLE)

All right. Just forget it. Look, we'll...

I'm sure it's a great product and everything,

but to be perfectly honest, Guardia is gonna be in here later on today

and their CEO, Ronnie Leguzza,

he and I are old poker buddies,

so we're probably gonna go with them.

I see. Well, this was my first sales call

so maybe next time I could probably...

Try again when that new DLX technology

I've been hearing about is available.

DLX? Yeah, sure.

Hey, Barney! Give me a second, okay?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Thanks.

Hey, who's Leguzza? Shut the fuck up.

Who the fuck is...

You know, when we first got into this,

it was just us and the Japanese.

Is that right? Yeah.

Then the Swiss got in, then the Germans, then the goddamn French.

I hate those goddamn French. Yeah.

But we still manage to move 40,000 units

out of this factory alone, every month.

Is that right? Yeah.

Man. Barney, honestly, I have to tell you something.

I'd heard all the talk about this place,

you know, blah, blah, blah and everything.

This is everything everybody said it was.

It's fantastic. Really. Thank you, Ted. Thank you.

Really. It's great.

Wow! Yeah.

Hey, I have a question for you, Barney. Yep.

Do I have "asshole" written on my forehead?

Excuse me? Listen, fat man.

I didn't want to embarrass you

in front of your flunkies, but I'll tell you this.

Next quarter, I'll be standing here with your replacement

while you're off somewhere selling soap to blue-haired fucking ladies

who don't have a pot to piss in.

What the hell are you talking about?

Every fucking thing you doled out to us in there is bullshit and you know it.

Things have been a little slow lately, but they're turning around.

The only thing turning is my stomach.

What the fuck am I even doing here with you?

I'll tell you another thing.

There are at least 50 other companies out there we can be servicing

who won't be wasting our fucking time.

Ted! Can I talk to you for just a second?

Hey, man. How you doing?

Got the week off to a right start?

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah.

Hey, Ma. How you doing?

Yeah?

Yeah?

What do you think?

I know. I knew you'd like it.

Well. Come on. That's okay. It's okay.

'Cause I can afford it, that's why. Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, did you go to the doctor?

What did he say about your hip?

Mom, listen to me.

No.

'Cause it's important, that's why.

Listen, don't make me drag you down there myself.

Promise? Okay.

No. I'm sure she's a nice girl.

No, I gotta go. I got work to do.

Yeah. No.

No. Yeah.

Tell Marco I said hi.

Okay. I love you, too.

JAIME: It'll give you a chance to see the house.

Come on, you'll love it.

Can you do me a favor?

If it's possible, can you just not say anything

about the remote possibility of me getting fired

if I don't get a sale this quarter?

You know, I don't want Belisa to get worried.

So I guess Le Bernardin is out?

(LAUGHS) I'm still gonna beat you, you know.

It's just gonna take me a little longer than I planned.

This is a nice surprise.

Yeah, you are, too.

I just dropped by

because I'm looking for that address

for this afternoon's appointment.

Check next to the stuffed panda on the dresser.

Okay. Okay.

Oh...

I'm sorry. Ted, this is my fiancee, Belisa.

Belisa, this is Ted.

Hey. Hi.

She's been dying to meet you.

I'll be right back.

He can be a little forgetful at times.

Yeah, I know.

Could you hand me that hunting knife, please?

Yeah.

There you go. Thanks.

Still waiting for him to bag his first elephant.

JAIME: I can't find it!

Check in the den!

I did.

Oh. This fucking thing.

I'm sorry.

That's okay. Don't worry about it.

Do you want something to drink?

What have you got?

Nothing.

Nothing?

(CHUCKLING) Nothing.

I figured you'd say no so I just took a chance,

but it didn't really work out.

I'm sure Jaime mentioned it,

but he invited the entire neighborhood

over for a barbecue this Saturday.

He didn't say anything.

Don't bother asking. Ted doesn't do barbecues.

Thanks. Found it.

Well, it would be really nice.

At least I would know someone.

I'll give it some thought.

No, really. You could be my badminton partner.

Yeah. I'm gonna wait in the car.

All right. Here you go.

It was really nice meeting you. Thanks.

I'm gonna wait outside.

Okay. See you in a bit.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks. I was looking everywhere for this.

Hey, isn't Belisa great?

Great.

The house needs a little work.

The gardener could use a kick in the pants.

Yeah, great. Everything is great.

You mean it? No.

You're kidding, right?

A house, fucking mortgage, neighbors and that bullshit.

You didn't like Belisa?

Belisa's great. No, she's great.

She may even stick around for a little while,

but eventually she's going to break your heart.

She'll leave your rotting soul gasping for air

while her new boyfriend sodomizes you right out of her memory.

What? What the hell are you talking about?

You know what? I'll never understand

why people think their pathetic lives

are somehow going to get better

just 'cause they get fucking married.

Why they get divorced, that I get. That's easy.

I don't want to hear any more of this.

Listen, first of all, sunshine...

Don't call me sunshine.

There's no limit to the problems

a woman is going to bring to your life.

Dante didn't scratch the surface.

It is fucking endless. Infinite.

It goes on and on and on.

(SCOFFS) You know, maybe you just need to fall in love.

Love? What kind of love are you talking about?

Are you talking about real love?

Are you talking about true love?

Are you talking about this suburban

bullshit fantasy we've been milk fed

so we don't slit each other's throats?

Maybe you just need to get laid.

Really? I get a piece of ass anytime I want.

I could even fuck you with a little effort.

That's not funny, okay. Don't even go there.

Excuse me?

Can you tell me where Route 304 is please?

Blow me.

Well, does anyone know why he's so angry?

He was probably beaten as a child.

Oh, how I hope.

Why do they put up with him?

Because that son of a bitch is responsible for 70% of this division's sales.

I'll get him to lighten up.

Ted and I went on a sales call together.

He told the client to shove his cock

in my mouth if he wants me to shut up.

So, either one of you new guys broken your sales cherry?

Yeah? Mmm?

Uh-uh, I got nothing.

Ted says that they fire you if you don't get a sale before the quarter is over.

Yeah, plus they burn down your house and rape your wife.

Oh, yeah.

So, Mr. Funny Guy, did you screw up

your first round of interviews, huh?

What interviews?

For a management position.

Yeah, top man in each sales office.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Misty. Oh... JAIME: Top man?

Well, why don't they just give it to Ted?

Ted? Ted would never volunteer,

and I am next on the totem pole.

Barely.

We interview here at the home office.

Chicago's got the opening.

Fucking lucky prick.

It's not luck, sweetheart. Uh-huh.

Shit.

(CLEARING THROATS)

Ted. Morning, Ted.

Hey, Ted. How's it going?

You gonna join the team this year?

JAIME: So, as you can see,

these products not only address your current needs,

but all of your future requirements

in each and every one of your 20 facilities on the Eastern Seaboard.

And when it comes to installation,

we can have them up and running in what,

five to 10 business days.

MAN: Well, thank you. I think we've heard enough.

If you please, just let me finish, then I can...

You are finished.

You promised me five minutes.

I said your time is up.

(SIGHS)

If you'll just give me a moment to explain to you

how our company can help you...

I've been doing this for 27 years.

There's nothing you can tell me that I don't already know.

Sir, I really need this sale. I do.

I plan on starting a family.

I'm gonna get married.

I've got a family, too.

Reynolds here has two of them.

Three.

Good day, gentlemen. We don't validate.

"I'm starting a family"?

"I'm starting a family."

I got flustered.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

What the hell are you doing?

That's the time ticking away on this quarter,

and you haven't made one sale.

Where the fuck did you find this company, anyway?

Do you know you could've helped me?

I'm not your fucking wet nurse.

Why don't you draw on all that experience you allegedly have?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

That means, I don't think you're half the salesman you claim to be.

You know what, Ted?

I'm gonna beat you this quarter.

All right.

Okay? Yeah.

And the only reason why is just to get you to shut your fucking mouth.

BELISA: Can I help you, sir?

No, thanks. I'm just looking.

Oh, hi. (CHUCKLES) Hey.

What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to be meeting Jaime around the corner for lunch,

but his review is running late.

So, is this where you spend your lunch hour?

No, I eat at a cafe down the street,

but I had some extra time so I thought I'd waste it in here.

Well, it's a nice place.

Yeah. Yeah, it's really nice.

They have a great collection.

So, Jaime tells me you're the number one salesman in the company.

I'm not too surprised. I met a few of the other guys.

I'm not so sure that's a compliment.

It is.

So, what's your secret?

Maybe Jaime can pick up on it.

As long as he's young, all you gotta do is ignore your conscience.

Hmm.

I see.

So you're one of those dark, brooding introspective types.

Now I understand.

Understand what?

Oh, nothing.

Here.

You should try reading some Berlin.

He's also dark and brooding.

Yeah. Rimbaud is more my speed.

You know your French poets.

I wasn't always a salesman.

So, come on, tell me. I'm a big girl.

What's Jaime doing wrong at work?

I mean, at his last company he was the biggest star.

For starters, he's too happy.

He wants to be best buddies with all of his clients.

I warned him that love-for-life act wouldn't fly here.

The guy draws cartoons on my lead sheets.

Yeah. He loves that art class.

So,

what's your story?

Did you want to move out here to New York?

I mean, you don't seem like the doting housewife type.

(CHUCKLES) No. I don't know how much doting I do.

I'm not even sure I know how.

Back home I ran a small art gallery.

Oh, well, thus Jaime's art classes.

We were hoping moving to New York would give us a fresh start.

We've been engaged three different times.

Oh.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I'm pretty confident things will work out this time.

Or at least until some other guy

sodomizes him out of my memory.

Hey, you know what?

(CHUCKLING)

Jaime tells me everything.

Yeah, well, maybe he shouldn't.

You know...

You know, when I said... Don't worry about it.

I gotta go. See you.

Firm handshake. Look them in the eye.

Smile, smile, smile. That's three smiles.

Ten Tips for Solution Selling,

it's always been there for me.

Yeah, when I started selling three years ago,

I read every one of these fucking books.

You've only been selling for three years?

Every schmuck I know, selling tampons to tobacco,

thinks this shit works.

Hey. None of this shit works.

It does so.

Yeah. Really? Well, then where are all your sales?

All right, Mr. Number One Salesman, what's your advice?

Fuck you. That's my advice.

Ted, look. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little edgy. I admit it. All right?

I got Whitman on my back.

I got bills piling up.

I got Belisa giving me advice now.

What kind of advice?

Well, for one thing, she thinks that I'm being too friendly with the clients,

and that's the reason why I'm not getting any sales.

Maybe she's right.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe I overreacted.

At any rate, I got her this little gift, you know,

sort of a, kind of a peace offering.

Jesus. What?

She collects them. I think they're nice.

Look, if you wanna make her feel better...

What?

...get rid of that "Made in Taiwan" piece of shit

and start making some fucking money.

Why? Listen, this is serious.

Every one of your competitors is going to be up at Haverton today, okay?

Including Guardia. You get it?

I got it. Ted, this is going to be big.

It's gonna be huge.

Big. Big, big, big. Really big. Huge.

We're gonna make a lot of money.

This job sucks dick!

How the hell could he say no after that?

I maneuvered perfectly from the three-fucking-point close deals

to the goddamn...

Fuck it! Fuck them in the ass!

(GRUNTING)

I was this close!

Damn it!

I got to calm down. I got to calm down.

Yep.

(EXHALES)

Do you want a vitamin?

Look, Jaime, you're trying really hard,

but you gotta quit being such a fucking salesman.

People know when they're being conned.

Excuse me? I'm not trying to con anybody.

I know you're not.

But the way you present yourself,

(CELL PHONE RINGING) it seems that way.

That'll be Belisa.

Hi, honey. How are you?

It went great.

Of course I got the sale.

I can't wait to tell you all about it.

(CHUCKLING)

Nothing to worry about.

Okay. All right, sweetie.

See you soon.

I love you.

What?

I didn't want to disappoint her.

Yeah.

She's cooking a big celebration dinner.

She's not a very good cook.

Fuck this. Let's get a drink.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

What the fuck am I doing here?

(DOOR OPENING)

BELISA: Hey, honey. Dinner will be ready in just one second.

Oh, my God!

I think this belongs to you. Hi.

What happened?

He had a few too many of everything.

Get up.

Another bad day?

(SOBBING) Oh, yeah. Well, he almost got a sale.

Shit. I don't think I can take another night of him crying.

I don't think you're gonna get much of anything from him tonight.

Would you please help me take him upstairs?

Yeah. Here we go.

Just throw him on the bed.

I don't know how many more nights I can take of the supportive-wife act.

We're not even fucking married.

(EXHALES)

Hey, I'm gonna get going.

Can you help me?

How much longer is Bineview going to put up with this?

Probably not much longer.

Lift him up. Okay.

Oh, God. (GRUNTS)

How come he isn't getting any sales? What is he not doing?

Selling a product is simple.

What a salesman wants to do

is instill confidence in his client.

That sounds simple enough.

Say I have a product, really high quality,

and even if it isn't, I'm gonna convince my client that it is.

And any product

that will satisfy all your needs,

show immediate dividends,

becomes the bottom line.

Why can't he do that?

Maybe it's not that simple.

I guess that's why you're so good.

Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe I'm just really good.

I don't know.

Do you know where I can get something to eat around here?

Cafeteria's on two.

Who's that fucking guy?

That's the top man from Baton Rouge.

He didn't make it to round two.

Damn. Looks like someone beat the crap out of him.

Yeah. Rumor is he had some gambling problems back home,

ran in with a bookie or something.

Fuck him. Yeah, I don't really give a shit.

All I know is there's only eight of us left for the Chicago job.

What the fuck were you thinking last night?

Fucking idiot, fuck. Jesus Christ.

All right. I just gotta think about this now.

Never ever again. Never fucking...

Our products just aren't that good,

and things are down in just about every one of Bineview's divisions.

And the truth is Leguzza signed up half the town 10 years ago

when the WVX was launched.

Now they're sending me away for five days

to this sales focus bullshit seminar.

Yeah, I went to that. Worthless.

Hey, guys. Looks like one of us

isn't getting fired at the end of the quarter.

I'm sorry, what?

I just got Plexar to buy four BLR compressors.

Congratulations, Alvarez.

You are no longer the low man on the totem pole.

ALVAREZ: Thank you.

Hey, Ted. Hey, look, I'm on the board!

Hey, Riker!

Look, why don't you take your loss

and sell your boy here for spare body parts?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Cut him up and sell him.

You seem to forget how pathetic you were when you first started out.

You didn't have a sale for six fucking months. What are you talking about?

You almost shit your pants in front of the president of Gyro Tech.

I thought you were gonna cry like a little fucking girl.

So shut your fucking mouth, and fuck you, too, you sleazy cunt.

You'd fuck a mailbox if it had tits.

Congratulations, Alvarez.

Thanks.

Fuck you, too.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Hey.

Thanks for sticking up for me back there.

I told you those guys were fucking pricks. Yeah.

Didn't I?

The thing I can't understand is

how the hell that spic got a sale before I did.

I mean, what's wrong with me?

It never used to be this hard.

I gotta make some fucking money.

Listen to me.

You don't chase money, you build clients.

My life is shit. It's a big bag of shit.

But you know what? It's not just the sales.

If that were my only problem, I would be a happy man.

All right what? What is it?

You were right.

It was just a matter of time.

Just a matter of time before she...

She what? Who? What?

Who? Belisa. Who else? She...

She's...

There's a meeting...

Hey, you wanna give us a fucking minute here?

Yeah, go ahead.

She wants to delay the wedding.

What?

She said that she needs some time to think things through.

She said that she's confused.

Suddenly she's the one that's confused.

(SIGHS)

Fuck.

So she's confused.

It's no big deal. It's just, you know...

You're taking her side?

No, I'm just saying. All she said was confused. Confused is...

(STAMMERING) I don't know what the fuck to do.

(SIGHS)

Well, what do you think, Ted?

About what?

About Belisa? Yeah.

I don't know.

(CHUCKLES)

All right. What kind of things does she enjoy, you know?

What makes her feel special?

I mean, that's basically what women want.

(SIGHS)

Well...

You know, I don't really feel like talking about this.

Fine. Forget it.

She likes scented candles.

She likes zinfandel. Can you believe that?

All right. That's a start.

She likes Billie Holiday.

There you go.

Lilies.

She just thinks I am the world's biggest loser

because I can't get a sale.

All right, listen.

John Schaudry over at Magamate,

he needs a new hydro converter valve system.

All you gotta do is fill out the paperwork.

He's a decent guy.

Ted, what are you doing?

You can take this up when you go up to the

stupid fucking focus group you're going to.

Come on, Ted. Look, I can't.

Here, just take that. I don't want any handouts, all right.

I'm not giving you a handout. It's a no-brainer.

It's just easy to fucking do. No big fucking deal.

(STAMMERING) Ted, I can't.

Here. His cell's on there.

Just take the fucking card.

Just take the fucking card.

It's not a big deal. Here you go.

Thank you.

You know, you're probably right.

I just need a little shove in the back.

Yeah, just to put you on the right track. Right.

It'll come back. I'll get my game back. Yeah.

You know, you're a good friend.

I'm gonna go to the conference now.

Hey, thanks a lot. Yeah.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hey. Hey.

You told me that you ate here.

Yeah.

Sit down.

I just wanted to come by and apologize...

No, don't.

...for the other night.

I don't know what came over me.

It was crazy.

It was like a dream or something, you know?

God, that sounded like a cop-out.

Well, listen, I never...

Don't, please.

New York isn't what I expected.

I was drunk from the champagne.

It was... It was crazy.

I said that already, though.

(CHUCKLES)

It's like something I would've done in college without thinking about it.

I've been beating myself up about it all day. I just...

Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

Thanks. That's all I wanted to say. Bye.

Hey, you wanna get something to eat?

They have really good lasagna here.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(GASPING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey.

Hey,

let's do something fun.

Okay. Come with me.

(WRAP YOUR LOVE AROUND ME PLAYING)

Yes!

MAN: ...is to not let the client know that you're selling to them.

But at the same time, find an effective way to respond

to their goal-oriented business needs

through product knowledge and service availability.

Don't fall into the trap of explaining your philosophies of life,

experiences in the trenches or your future prognostications.

Business owners want to hear real, present-day solutions

to their ever-changing, industry-specific issues, concerns and challenges.

TED: I'm telling you, people come here

knowing they're not gonna make any money,

knowing they're gonna lose money.

Is that why I won so much?

The way you played, it's hard to believe you've never gambled before.

Well, maybe you're my good luck charm.

"Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect."

Emerson.

Very good.

I told you I wasn't always a salesman, right?

What did you do?

Guess.

You were a doctor. No.

You were a priest.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

No. Guess again.

You were a biochemical engineer.

No.

You were a teacher.

What made you say teacher?

It was a good guess.

I taught English Literature at Northwestern.

I was about to go on a tour and lecture in Italy a couple years back.

It was a good guess.

It was a good guess.

Do you miss it?

Yep, once in a while.

How'd you end up at Bineview?

(SIGHS) Oh, man.

Sometimes you wind up in a place

never in a million years you thought you would.

Hmm.

And the days just disappear on you.

When am I gonna see you again?

His art class is the only reason he goes out at night.

Unless, of course,

you take a few days off from work.

Thank you. Thanks.

I don't know.

I've got a lot of clients.

You know, I've got appointments and...

(CHUCKLING)

Then I guess you're just gonna have to wait.

I guess I will.

In the meantime, you can get some practice

missing me while I go to the ladies' room.

Hey. John.

Hi. Good morning, Ted.

Mr. Bashant.

Hey, there. Hi. Mr. Roberts.

No. My name's Brad.

Mr. Roberts asked me to meet with you in his place.

Oh, uh...

I see.

Oh, well, should we go upstairs?

Actually, it's pretty busy up there.

If it's all the same, we can talk here.

Very well.

Well, as you know, I'm from Bineview,

and I'm here to discuss the way

that our company's long-term technologies

can increase your productivity.

I mean, by now, we would have expected

that you would have had at least one sale.

Yeah.

I mean, I know it's a tough transition and all,

but with your experience you should be killing it out there.

I know. It's just...

Look, you can ask anybody, okay? When it comes to my staff,

I am a cupcake.

I understand how salesmen can fall on hard times.

Lord knows I've been there myself, okay?

But I have got to get my troops moving here

or they're going to hang my ass from the highest flagpole in town.

I just want you to know

that this is not coming from any lack of effort whatsoever on my part.

I'm really, really, really trying out there.

Yeah. What? What? I am under...

Give! Go!

Thank you.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Okay. I'm just under a lot of pressure.

I don't have any friends in this town,

and I'm getting married, and my fiancee is getting a little frustrated,

and the products are pretty confusing.

You got this BZ, the BTA...

BLR. BLR.

That and... You gotta focus.

You've got to know the name of the product.

BRL, but then there's the RBL, and the frigging HB...

(MUTTERING)

I mean, I understand the...

On top of that, everything is so freaking expensive in this town!

Hey! All right, calm down. Just calm the fuck down, all right?

Please, don't fire me.

Nobody is firing anybody!

All right. Don't fire me. Calm down.

I'm not firing you. Easy. Please.

Okay, okay.

Hey, I got something that is gonna make you feel

a whole lot better, all right?

What?

Now, I'm not even supposed to be talking about this.

But this little baby is gonna make our jobs a hell of a lot easier.

Is that what I think it is? Yes.

And I want you around when we launch that puppy.

Okay. All right. Okay?

So remember. Yeah?

When you're faced with a difficult task, you act like you cannot fail.

Okay? Yeah.

When you're going out after Moby Dick,

you take along the tarter sauce.

Right? (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

You got it? Good. Got it.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

They can show up with... What are they called? Like, little bags

and little yoga mats.

You know what? This is where Eugene O'Neill used to come and write.

Really? Yep.

In fact, they said he finished

the Long Day's Journey into Night here.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, shoot.

Fuck.

It's the office. I gotta take this.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do. No, you don't.

Okay, you're right. You're right.

(LAUGHING)

A salesman is not a salesman when he's not selling.

Did you get him?

(CHATTERING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

I'm serious. That means something.

Why'd you say eww?

'Cause I didn't want to look at that.

I told you this was more fun than working.

Oh, man.

The way my sales are going, I'm going to avoid the office at all cost.

I'm sure a bit of that is my fault.

I'm a big boy. I can make my own decisions.

I know. Yeah. Yeah.

The Picture of Dorian Gray.

This was one of my favorite books in college.

Really? Uh-huh.

I taught that every semester.

You did? Yeah.

God, I haven't read this in years.

So do you think we pay for our sins now, or later, like Dorian?

Actually, I think the real issue is

whether or not we recognize the damage

our sins are doing to our souls before it's too late,

if you want to know the truth.

I'm not sure I agree with that interpretation, Professor.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Then you would have failed my class.

(CHUCKLING)

You'd hit me with a ruler?

If that's what you needed.

You ever think about going back?

It's not that easy.

Why not?

Because, you know...

Because to, you know...

To teach, I mean, to truly inspire,

you have to pour your soul out to a student.

You have to water each one like it's the last surviving plant in the garden.

All teachers should be like that.

What happens if you run out of water?

I understand that it's tough out there.

And that is why you have to forget about the business outlook

and you have to be on the outlook for business.

We have reached DEFCON 1.

We are not meeting our self-imposed,

and I might add, mutually agreed upon goals for this quarter.

MAN: (WHISPERING) What the fuck is he talking about?

JOHN: And our time is ticking away.

JAIME: Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Tick, tick, tick, tick. Tick.

Tick, tick, tick, tick. Tick.

Motherfucker!

I know what you're thinking.

You don't want to do it.

I don't? 'Cause he's been acting like a fucking lunatic.

You know, I hate to see anybody struggle,

but sometimes there is no success like failure.

Besides, the way things are going around here,

I'm gonna have to let somebody go pretty soon.

Look, John, you're the guy who hired Jaime. Right?

Yeah.

Okay, well, this company laid out

a great deal of cash to uproot him.

They've got moving costs, you gotta find him a house,

you gotta give him a signing bonus,

all the bullshit that goes along with moving someone here.

Now, personally, I don't give a fuck

one way or another whether you fire him or not,

but four guys in six months,

that's a lot of red ink to cover up.

You think I should give him another chance, huh?

You can send him on one of those

weekend focus groups. It helped him last time.

Hey, John, what's going on?

You guys are making our lives in Accounts Receivable a little too easy.

We're so bored, I had to take up smoking.

Yeah, the quarter's not over yet.

Fucking bitch.

Fuck her. She's just a glorified bookkeeper.

Hey, I've got some really big clients

coming to this conference tomorrow.

Send Jaime along as a backup. Really?

Well, you need the sales, plus it will keep these pricks

here and there at bay.

It's what you want.

Okay, I'll give him one week.

Two weeks. Two weeks.

Listen, this could be the perfect place to put you back on track.

I've met some of my biggest clients here.

Hey, Chuck.

I haven't met any clients anywhere, anyplace, anytime, anyhow.

Look, you're in a slump. You snap out of those things.

You sure as hell don't want to lose this job and move back to Ohio.

I don't know, maybe it's the best thing for us to do.

Would you gentlemen like to come over

and look at our new boiler system?

Sure, if you can tell me if it's a system

of interlocking polycarbonate lining

or if it's the tubular magnesium dioxide variety.

I'm not exactly sure.

Give her a break. She's a slut.

In an economy where fly-by-night

dot-com companies come and go,

we represent one of the many industries

that actually makes something.

You can grab hold of what we do.

We are the foundation for America.

"Go with Guardia." These guys are fucking everywhere.

You're right. There's Leguzza.

Oh, my God.

That Pillsbury Doughboy is the legend

everyone's been talking about?

Don't let appearances fool you.

That merciless son of a bitch has ridden roughshod

over this industry for decades.

He used to screw his competitors' secretaries

just to get information.

Do you know this guy? Yeah.

He tried to buy me off a couple years ago

'cause I was signing away some of his clients.

Yeah, I can't wait to see the look on his big fat face next year

when all anybody's talking about is the DLX.

Technology, like all the other industries,

will shape our future. Now we at Guardia...

You know what, Ted? You're absolutely right.

I don't want to go back to Ohio a failure.

I gotta get my shit together. Good, good.

Then start changing right now,

'cause this guy coming up here

is one of my biggest clients, okay?

Imprint Industries. He's a good guy.

Hey! Ted.

How are you there? Good to see you.

Fine. I was hoping I'd get to see you here.

Well, yeah. This is my new partner, Jaime Bashant.

Hi, how do you do? My pleasure.

Come on.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

It was like three years ago they used to hold these things in motel lobbies.

That's right. Yeah.

It was in the...

A long time...

Forget it.

Yeah, sure have come a long way.

Oh, yeah, you bet.

Yeah, we really have.

Speaking of long way,

I'll bet you that old system you have up there in White Plains

is about ready to give up the ghost.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, you might be right, but I'm not sure

we need to replace the entire system.

Well, Toby, I think you should reconsider.

Hey, we're not buying any of this horseshit

that you're doling out, you cocksucker.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Ted?

He's kidding.

We've got like 20 companies lined up to do business with us.

He does that thing...

You know, why don't you just go and sell blue-haired old soap bags

to ladies, old ladies with gray hair who piss their pants.

I'm gone.

Yeah, well. Your stomach's making me turn.

(CHUCKLES) He'll be back.

What?

You prick.

You weak, fucking, Midwestern

bad suit and stupid haircut motherfucking prick!

Ted.

You know how important that fucking guy is to us?

I'm just trying to be like you.

What?

You fuck.

Wow, you really are a fucking loser.

How the fuck did I get stuck with this guy?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Fucking waste of time, these conferences.

But they make great theater, right?

You look familiar.

You work for me?

No, I'm over at Bineview.

Bineview. Yeah.

Our illustrious neighbor.

(MOANING)

(GASPING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Food.

What do you need here, man? Jaime.

Hey, Ted.

Hey.

I'm sorry to bother you when you're not feeling well.

No, no, no, no, it's good. Don't worry about it.

Okay.

Do you want to come in? For a drink?

Well, I mean, I don't really have anybody here.

I don't have anything here, so...

I don't keep any alcohol here.

No, it's all right. Yeah.

What are you doing?

I got something for you.

This.

Why?

'Cause you won the bet.

And I don't even think I'm gonna get one sale at this point.

I can't catch you,

and I even managed to fuck up that easy one that you handed me last week.

Hey, take this stupid fucking thing.

Jaime, take this. I don't want it.

Come on, man, this is dumb. Take the thing.

Jaime, I don't want it. I don't want this.

I'll see you later, okay?

Jaime, come on.

Hope you feel better. Bye.

You know, you never told me why you quit teaching.

That was Jaime out there.

What?

He stopped by to give me this.

Jesus.

Did he know I was here?

I don't know.

The guy's out there dying, and we're in here fucking all day.

Shit.

I can't believe this.

(SIGHS)

Would you move in here with me?

Just get started with your life right now.

It's not as simple as just packing a bag, Ted.

I know, but the sooner you do it, the easier it's gonna be.

Trust me, I know it.

I'm not one of your clients, Ted.

Don't sell me.

Look, I'm gonna tell him soon, I promise.

Yeah, it's okay.

I'll make it easier for both of us. Just go.

I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry, too. Just go.

Come on. Sit down and talk to me.

Ted. Just go.

JAIME: My future wife, that bitch, wants to take some time off.

Remember something, kid.

Marriage is not an accomplishment.

It's a choice. And it's the wrong one.

Fuck this place.

Hey, Ted, you're on your way to Frogers, right?

Fuck off.

Hey, Ted, this is important.

Come on, we gotta close this deal! I'm serious!

I'm just sick and tired of dealing with this shit.

I never even wanted to move to New York.

She's the one that convinced me to take this job.

Why was I dealing with her?

I don't know what I was thinking.

I've gotta fucking stand up to this bitch

or she's gonna walk all over me.

(MUTTERING) Then she fucking delays the wedding.

Who the fuck is she to delay the wedding?

Hey, guys. Hold up.

What do you want?

Yeah, what do you want?

Nothing, really.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

They let me go.

They did?

Yeah, they're slashing people left and right.

I mean, it's happening in every office from here to Tacoma.

Why don't you try Guardia?

I don't think they hit their affirmative action quota yet.

Yeah, Poncho.

Fuck you. At least I made one sale.

Who's your wife banging to keep your job?

What the fuck was that for?

(GRUNTS)

Sorry.

(GRUNTS)

Fuck this, I'm out of here.

What are you fucking looking at?

Just fuck off.

You want some, too?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING REPEATEDLY)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Your fish seemed so lonely. I just...

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna ask him to move out tonight.

Is that what you want?

They finally fired that son of a bitch Jaime.

Bastard. What?

You made it to the final round of interviews.

Well, I can't baby-sit you forever.

Congratulations.

We're having our worst quarter ever and he's getting a promotion?

Capitalism at its finest.

You get to go off to Chicago while I'm stuck with that son of a bitch,

who, by the way, missed his last three appointments.

I know, John. You did everything you could.

The guy cost us Imprint Industries for Christ's sakes.

I get it. I understand.

Listen, another thing, don't worry about this quarter,

'cause I got Glyrade and I've got Parker Plastics

and I've got Lange all coming in, next 10 days.

All right. Good, good.

Well, looks like he's back on track, huh?

Thank God.

Yeah, when your sales start to get low like his have,

you're forced to be nice.

Yeah? Then why are you still such a prick?

Fuck her.

Warned you not to go there.

She's got a point. Fuck off.

TED: So, you ready for lunch?

We've got reservations at Mimosa in about 20 minutes.

Not exactly.

Why? What's the matter?

(CHATTERING ON TV)

(IMITATING GUNFIRE)

What's he doing here?

He came over early this morning, crying.

What was I supposed to do, kick him out?

(SIGHS)

Did you know he'd been fired yesterday?

I know, I know.

You know, I did everything I could.

Well, now he's come to the conclusion that life has no meaning.

He won't take his anti-depressants.

This is exactly what I was afraid of.

All right. What do you want me to do?

Just, can you get him off my hands for a little bit, please?

Okay. What about lunch?

I need your help, please.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Let me do this.

He takes anti-depressants?

Yeah, he tells everybody they're vitamins.

No wonder he's so happy all the time.

Hey! Hey! Riker!

What the fuck are you doing here?

I just...

Do you mind?

Oh, sorry.

I heard about the job, and I just wanted to see how you're doing.

Well, you know.

Hey, listen, come on. Let's get out of here.

Why?

No, come on. Let's get... I got food, I can sketch.

Bring your sketch pad.

Really?

I'm starved. I'm buying.

That's a great idea, man. I'd like that.

Let's go.

No, I'm gonna stay here.

Come on. Come on.

You need to get out of here, cheer you up or something. Come on.

What are you so happy about? I don't know.

Just in a good mood, I guess.

Nobody's fucking happy, Ted.

Nobody is fucking happy.

Someone told me that once.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna drive, okay?

Let's get the fuck out of here.

All right. See you later, honey.

Be good. Come on.

Okay.

Wow.

(HONKING HORN)

Move it! Watch the fucking road.

Don't you think...

Don't you think that you're taking this misery thing a little too far?

How dour should I be?

My fiancee is seeing someone.

Who, Belisa?

Please, I found a book of matches in her coat pocket

from some restaurant in Atlantic City.

She's not smart enough to find AC on her own.

Wait, you snooped through her things?

Hell, yeah, I did.

Aren't you the one who said that I shouldn't trust anybody?

Yeah, but... Especially a woman?

Is that what you said?

Yeah, but I mean, when I said that...

I have a pretty good idea who it is, too.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

My honeymoon is supposed to be next week.

I should be packing for Jamaica this very fucking minute!

Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Watch this fucking... You're right up on the guy's ass!

Watch the fucking road. Keep your hands on the wheel!

Why, Ted?

Why what? Why what?

Why? Why what?

Why doesn't Belisa love me anymore?

I've given her everything!

I've given her my heart, my soul!

I gave her a Toyota Celica hatchback

with leather seats and a CD player!

I'm the one who brought her to fucking New York!

And now she doesn't even care if I live or die!

Hey, whoa, whoa, watch the road!

(CAR HONKING) Watch the fucking road!

Pull the fucking car over here! I wanna drive!

I wanna drive the fucking car!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What are we doing at Bineview?

Let's just say that

I have some unfinished business to take care of.

Hey, Ted, hang on.

What the fuck is the matter with you?

What the hell is going on in there? There? Oh, nothing.

Let's just say that I left John a proper goodbye present.

Hey, let me tell you something right now.

I don't want to be a part of any...

I want you to know that I've come

to a decision about my so-called fiancee.

What's that?

I'm gonna kill her.

Hey, man, I don't want to hear that crazy shit.

(LAUGHING) Relax, man.

I'm not gonna kill her.

I'm not gonna do that.

I'm just gonna maim that cunt.

Don't talk like that, man!

I'm serious. Don't fucking say that shit.

(LAUGHING)

You should see your face. Let's go get lunch.

Let's get out of this shithole. Come on, man.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(PHONE RINGING)

TED: Hello?

BELISA: Hey. It's me.

Hey.

How you doing? I'm fine.

Is he gone?

Yeah, he left this afternoon.

You okay?

I'm fine.

I'm worried about you.

Me?

I'm worried about you.

(SIGHS)

When he left, all he took was his hunting knife.

That's all right. I can handle myself.

(RATTLING AT DOOR) I know you can.

It's just he has this, you know, dark side to him.

You should see some of the shit he's been drawing.

I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.

Because I think I'm...

I think I'm...

You know. Forget it.

I gotta go.

I should probably go. I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Good night.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Twenty-five years in this business,

I never witnessed anything so horrible.

From 30 to eight.

I knew I should have sold.

I'm never hiring a fucking relative as a stockbroker again.

I'm going to kill the cocksucker this Christmas.

What am I gonna tell my ex-wives?

Oh, fuck them. I am really screwed.

Hey. Whisper numbers say we're going to lose

60 cents per share this quarter.

And those pricks have decided to close Chicago.

The management job is off.

Those miserable cocksuckers.

See you, Rog.

Who's your junkie boyfriend?

What? That's Richards from the Southwest office.

You've got to be shitting me.

No. He was up for Chicago, too.

Hey, you think we have it bad,

that guy just lost his home, his wife and his kid.

Look, when are we gonna be able to start selling that fucking thing?

Hey, have any of you guys seen Ted?

ALL: No.

Well, neither has Parker Plastics.

He was supposed to close them today.

Our biggest client.

John, how's it going in there?

Not very fucking good.

What the fuck is going on around here?

Hey, I was in an appointment when you called.

You all right?

No, not really.

What's the matter?

I'm moving back to Ohio.

He showed up at 5:00 this morning and...

He needs to be with family.

I can't handle this on my own.

I just... I can't abandon him.

I'm sorry.

When?

Tomorrow.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Belisa.

It was because of a woman.

What?

You asked me why I never went back to teaching

and never moved to Italy.

It was because of a woman.

I woke up one day and she was just gone.

We were living on a teacher's salary

and money never really meant anything to me.

She said it didn't mean anything to her, either.

She lied.

So I've been carrying around all this anger, all this hurt.

And I used that as an excuse to be cold and hard.

Son of a bitch.

Let me show you what I've been hiding all these years, okay?

Deep inside.

I'm really...

I'm sorry, Ted. I'm sorry.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

I'm really sorry.

(SIREN WAILING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Hey, Ted, where you been?

I've been, you know, doing stuff.

I've been around.

You do realize that the quarter closes on Friday?

Yeah, I know.

(SIGHS) So, we lost Parker Plastics.

I sent Breckenridge, totally fucked the whole thing up.

What... What do you hear on Lange?

On Lange? I'm gonna head up there now.

Good, good. 'Cause we can use every dollar.

Well, well, well. Yeah, I know.

If it isn't Willy Loman, huh?

Look, Willy,

why don't you get yourself a bowl of soup on me? Hmm?

(LAUGHING) Huh?

TED: You know what?

You know, I've been a prick to you for a long time.

And, you know, maybe I didn't have a right to be. I don't know.

I don't know.

Sorry.

See you, John.

How the mighty have fallen.

If he doesn't sign his next two deals,

this is gonna be the next office they close.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Jaime went back to Ohio.

I stayed.

What's going on?

Hey, John.

What's going on?

Fuck off.

What happened? What do you mean, what happened?

I told you how important this quarter was, you motherfucker.

I was the first one to go.

I don't believe this.

Yeah, well, believe it, sunshine.

Those pricks upstairs didn't put up much of a fight.

Breckenridge is our number one salesman for fuck's sake.

How'd Leguzza pull this off?

Mezzanine financing.

It wasn't even a stock swap.

The price was so low they came up with the cash.

Every division's sales from here to Seattle, way down.

The DLX 179 is gonna make them a fucking fortune.

They're not even gonna need a sales force.

Fucking Breckenridge! What the hell was I doing?

(GROANS)

That is for putting up with your shit for three years,

you miserable cocksucker.

MAN: All I had to do was dangle a young blonde

in front of that sick fuck Crosby from Trenton.

He took the bait, hook, line and sinker.

His trial starts next week.

WOMAN: It was only a matter of time

before I got Richards hooked back on the white powder.

(CHUCKLING) Sobriety is so easy to cure.

MAN 2: Pretty good.

But I got the number one guy from Tacoma

to gamble away his home, his car, even his kid's dental plan.

Last I heard, he was living downtown in an empty refrigerator box.

(MAN 2 CHUCKLING)

MAN 3: Well, that little lady from the Nashville office

still thinks she's having my baby.

That phony doctor had her so convinced,

she started having morning sickness.

As soon as sales dipped below 60 mil for the quarter,

the stock plummeted.

Bineview's market cap value dropped almost 30%

from this time last year.

Excellent.

LEGUZZA: (CHUCKLING) I really enjoyed the last three months.

I don't think I have ever had that much fucking fun.

So tell us, Artie, how did you come up with such a brilliant plan?

Funny enough, it was when the wife and I were in Zimbabwe on vacation.

She'd been driving me crazy to see these fucking elephants in the wild

ever since we first got married.

So one day we're tracking this herd with the park rangers.

Now, if you know anything about elephants,

you know they eat up to a ton of vegetation every single day.

Now if the authorities let them keep eating like that,

there wouldn't be a single shrub left in the park.

It's a damn shame.

Belisa!

LEGUZZA: So, as fucked up as it sounds,

these rangers have to kill hundreds of elephants every year

just so the others don't starve to death.

What they do is they maim the leaders of the herd,

and with the leaders out of commission the others...

Belisa.

...become helpless and confused,

unaware of the bloody carnage going on all around them.

It's an amazing sight.

They call it culling.

Belisa!

I knew Bineview's DLX technology

was gonna forever revolutionize our industry.

And I also knew

I wasn't gonna pay their asking price for the company.

Huh?

So I figured

if you can cull elephants,

why not salesmen?

Do you know where I can get something to eat around here?

Cafeteria's on two.

Who the fuck is that guy?

That's the top man from Baton Rouge.

Those miserable cocksuckers.

Who's your junkie boyfriend?

What? That's Richards from the Southwest office.

Well, you definitely targeted the right leaders.

Those 10 were responsible for 42% of Bineview's sales.

He desperately wanted to be in show business,

so I got him to drop every one of his clients

and begin rehearsing seven days a week.

The schmuck actually thinks he's opening for Cher next month in Reno.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Now that was a good one.

But I think we all know where the best job of all was done.

LEGUZZA: You get close to them.

You find out who they really are.

And then you tear their insides out.

JAIME: Oh, yes, it was a thing of beauty.

I just don't know how you pulled it off.

People are weak and vulnerable.

They're the ones that make it easy to pull off.

Yeah, but Riker.

Ted?

The thing about Ted is that

he's just naive enough not to care about money,

which made it all the more challenging for both of us.

You should have seen her with the books.

JAIME: Every time he fucked her,

he'd offer me one of his clients.

And every time, I'd just piss them away.

A salesman with a conscience, talk about impotent.

(PEOPLE LAUGH) Hey, a little respect.

JAIME: He's one of the sharpest motherfuckers I ever met.

Bright, charismatic, heart of a poet. Hell, I'd fuck him.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Once she got her tentacles in him, it was all over.

She did. She just loved him.

You dump him and then she walked all over him.

He didn't know which way to turn.

Hey, pal.

Hey, I just remembered.

He wrote you a poem. It came in the mail.

It's pretty good.

It goes like this.

"You've got gold inside of you

"If you look deep enough, you'll see

"There's some gold inside me, too"

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

There's no one better than your team

at finding someone's Achilles' heel.

JAIME: I taught them well.

If you look deep enough, you'll find it.

Some people need drugs.

Others need love.

Others have an affinity for

young, well-built Korean boys.

What the fuck? Hey, easy. Easy.

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

It will never get out.

That is of course unless our money does not arrive by 9:00 a.m.

(HORNS HONKING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Ted.

Ted.

(TED READING)

Nice to see you again.

(SOBBING) Help me, please.

Oh, please, oh, God. Help me, please.

(WHERE DID YOU GO PLAYING)