Original subtitles

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

-Well, welcome to week two of Joe Bob's summer school.

And I see enrollment hasn't gotten any better.

Uh, this is sex education week.

So, Darcy, what are you doing here?

I can't imagine you would ever need sex education.

-You can always learn something new.

-Well, we went through this on Valentine's Day

because I lectured on fetishes, you know?

And half way through, you took over

and re-educated the entire world on that subject.

-I do have a wealth of knowledge on that.

-Yes. You have a body of knowledge.

Yes, you do. Okay.

Um, I did a lot of intense research for this course.

I burrowed down into the literature on sex in America.

-You burrowed, did you? -I burrowed my brains out

on sex in America,

because tonight's movie is "Suitable Flesh."

And as you know, it's about body swapping.

-Hell, yeah.

-And you're a fan of body swapping?

-I'm a fan of all forms of swapping.

-Okay, and it's about --

It's also about gender switching.

-Yeah! -[ Laughter ]

-You're a body swapping, gender switcher?

-Well, I'm definitely in favor of it.

-And I don't even know what that is.

Anyway, as we all know, we no longer live in a binary world.

In fact, people now put the words non-binary

on their driver's license.

So we got male, we got female, we got transgender,

we got gender neutral, we got agender,

pangender genderqueer, two spirit, third gender.

You know what all these are? -Yeah, it's all good.

-Right, it's all good. Vakasalewalewa.

Vakasalewalewa. That's one of them.

-Gesundheit.

-You heard of that one? -I don't think I have.

-Uh, that's the term they use in Fiji for people

who are male at birth,

but they have a, quote, "female gender expression."

But it does not mean gay.

It is specifically a third gender

that's recognized specifically in Fiji.

-Are you going to go through all the genders

in every country?

-I am, we should do that.

-I feel like we shouldn't. -Okay.

-Actually, I picked Fiji because remember those stories of

how the stout American

and British whaling men would set out from Nantucket

or wherever and go to the South Pacific

and get all sexed up?

-Are these stories I should know about?

-Actually, no, they're not well known stories,

but there are a few true stories

of whaling ships that end up on South Pacific islands like Fiji.

And these family men from New England

decide to just stay there,

or they come back to New Bedford or wherever.

And they're useless. They've become zombies.

They had some kind of kinky sex in the South Pacific.

It was so good, it's all they can think about.

And so they go crazy.

And they set out on a skiff searching for their soulmate

on Easter Island.

And then they crash into the rocks in Venezuela,

and their brains get dashed out,

and nobody ever knows what happened to them.

-If no one knows what happened to them,

then how do you know that?

-Well, I just made the part up about dashing

on the rocks in Venezuela.

But anyway, the South Pacific was known for sexual freedom,

and I guess it still is.

So how about xeno gender? Do you know that one.

-Non-human gender identity. -That is right!

Yeah, like animals and plants and food.

Fascinating stuff. Fornicating with plants and...

What if you're fixated on cacti? Ooh! Ouch. You know.

Anyway, I wanted to mention all that

because the characters in suitable flesh

transmogrify into different genders with different fetishes.

And the transmogrified in chief is Joe Lynch, director --

Yeah, Joe is the director of "Suitable Flash."

And I've appointed Joe as an adjunct professor of perversity

at the Briggs High School of Cinematic Arts tonight.

And, uh, just for tonight.

And he'll be out here in a few minutes

to explain how the sexual imagination works.

-Does he know that's what he's going to do?

-No, he just knows we're showing the movie

and we're going to interview him.

But you know what we should do?

We should have gender sharing among the mutant family tonight.

You know, um, share your gender with us.

Share your gender with Darcy The Mail Girl.

Be specific in your emails, your tweets, your Insta.

Share your gender. Or if you don't have a gender --

because that's a thing, too.

That would make you a neutrois -- genderless.

So we'll accept neutrois as a non-gender gender.

-How many genders do you think there are?

-There are thousands of genders.

Unless you live in Florida.

Florida has two genders, by law. But bad news

if you're a high femme or a demi girl in Florida,

you know, you're going to have to

either re-gender yourself or move to Alabama.

Now, one thing you should not do is send us homemade porn.

-And -- -I mean, you don't speak

for me, okay? -Don't do it!

-I don't know why people do that,

but it's extremely dangerous.

And I'm going to reveal why in just a moment.

But first, I wanted to clear up the history of homemade porn.

People think Rob Lowe invented home video sex tapes.

Home video sex tapes were not invented by Rob Lowe.

And actually, now that I think about it,

Rob should be ashamed of himself because anybody who's,

you know, been around that many movie sets should know

how to light his own body better than that.

Rob looked like a hunk

of protoplasm demonstrating cell division or something.

I thought I was watching a junior high science film.

-Now I need to see this. -Anyone even remember

the Rob Lowe sex tape? Nobody remembers that today

because there was no sex in the Rob Lowe sex tape.

It was just a couple of knees

occasionally popping up on either side of his butt.

Anyway, the difference today from Rob Lowe

is that everybody does it today,

and occasionally, you'll see a blog

or a feature article from some writer who seems amazed,

you know, if not shocked, to learn that, quote,

"ordinary couples are spicing up their sex lives with

a home movie camera."

You know, why do they always assign these articles

to the most naive person on the staff?

Or to put it another way,

why do they assign the article to somebody who is such a liar

that he'll act shocked about something

that doesn't really surprise him in the least?

I have never met a true newsman

who didn't know all 485 positions of the Kama Sutra

and the home phone numbers of at least seven pimps.

So don't they teach that in journalism school anymore?

You know, how to get a pimp to talk to you?

Anyhow, after they're finished with their astounding

discoveries about the number of people willing to get naked

in front of a camera,

they go straight to experts to explain the phenomena,

psychiatrists and psychologists

and sexual researchers, and they always say the same thing.

"Well, anything you know,

anything that both parties desire

and agree to will add spice to a marriage."

And then later on in the article,

one or two of the psychologists will say, "Of course,

these things sometimes go sour."

So I want to scream at him,

"Okay, Mr. Super Shrink, which is it?

You know, spice or sour? Make up your gal darn mind."

It can obviously be both! It can be anything.

But since we're all about democratizing all aspects

of sexuality on this show, I think that's what we're doing.

Is that what we're doing? We're democratizing?

-Let's say yes. -Okay.

I'm going to give out some pointers on

how to make sure that your home sex movie kills

at the box office.

So, Darcy, feel free to chime in

since you have much better inside information

on this than I do.

-I'm happy to tell you where you're wrong,

mistaken, and/or deluded.

-Okay, I know you will do that.

Okay. That's your job. -Thank you.

-Numero uno,

as a nation, we are big people.

We are in fact the fattest people on earth

according to the United Nations.

That means you need to check for jiggle in advance.

A video camera adds about 10 pounds to your body,

and the last thing you or anybody else wants to see

is Holstein Jubilee. All right? Darcy, any comment?

-Uh, you know, larger can be hot.

Curves are cool.

It depends what you're going for.

-Okay, I'm just saying, if you're trying to put yourself

into a traditional sexual position,

like in a traditional porn film,

and you want to look ripped or slim, do some gym work first.

-Fair. -Okay.

Numero two-o, road map skin.

Actors wear makeup. Even porno actors wear makeup.

Unless you intend to put on body makeup,

you might end up looking at the video later and saying, "Martha,

is that a lizard on your leg?"

So would you concur, Darcy?

-I would, but also a good spray tan

can help with a lot of problems.

-Okay. Spray tan, number two. All right.

Numero three-o. Having sex is dramatic.

Watching two people having sex

is more often comedic than dramatic,

especially when they make unexplained weird noises.

Don't do any acting while you're doing this,

unless you have first enrolled in the Actor's Studio

and studied for five years

and then had a member of the Writers Guild of America West

write your script. Okay, Darcy?

-Just be natural. Like whatever.

-All right. Numero four-o,

this is very important.

You're going to have to choose between Skinemax,

Playboy and Hustler.

You see where I'm going here, Darcy?

-Uh, penetration?

-Penetration? Well, not just penetration.

Most people, I would guess, want to stick with Cinemax.

The bodies are stuck together,

but you're not seeing how they're stuck together.

All right?

The next step after that is you do see

how they're stuck together,

but you don't see the actual genitals.

That would be the Playboy video mode.

Okay.

And then if you're going to go full bore Hustler,

you're going to need a mop later,

if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

-Honestly, it's harder to do the Skinemax max version

than the Hustler version, in my opinion.

-You know, you mentioned that before.

What is the difficulty with doing a Skinemax movie?

-Well, one, you have to act like you're like

having an orgasm. -Yeah.

-Even though, like, nothing's happening, it's like,

"Oh, my God, it's so hot."

But then they can keep you there for like, hours

and have you do it over and over again versus like,

porn, you got a time limit. -Really?

-So the Skinemax directors keep the actors...

-Keep going, keep going. -...for hours and hours

and hours. "Do that again. Do that again."

All right. -Yes.

So the point is, don't get caught in a Skinemax position

if you're going full Hustler.

So camera placement is key on these things.

-Yes. -All right.

And then the final rule for making a home sex video,

sooner or later, if you do this long enough,

you're going to text to the wrong person.

You're going to duplicate the wrong file.

You're going to have this saved somewhere in the Cloud,

and Jerry is going to come over from next door

to watch the replay of the 49ers game.

You're going to hit the remote and whammo!

There's Wally and the beef,

spread eagle on a 45 inch screen.

And it's not that Jerry won't forgive you.

And it's not that Jerry will see your spouse buck naked.

It's that Jerry will see youbuck naked,

and he'll never be able to get it out of his memory

for the rest of his life.

So if you can deal with all five

of these potentially soul crushing outcomes,

then you're ready to post on Pornhub.

So naked and proud.

-Heck yeah! -All right.

And speaking of highly inappropriate

-sexual encounters... -Heck yeah.

-Calm down, Darcy.

"Suitable Flesh" is the latest flick from Joe Lynch,

the director of "Mayhem", who tried to take me down

but failed after I slammed some

of his outlandish directorial choices.

And he's here tonight to get his revenge.

But he will fail in that attempt.

-All righty. Wow. -"Suitable Flesh"

is some of Joe's best work.

It's the sensitive story of a psychoanalyst

who feels herself strangely attracted to a boyish lad

who busts into her office,

begging her to kill his father because his dad has taken

control of his body and his mind.

But little does she know that she's headed for a padded cell

herself after she gets all orgasmic in her head

while fantasizing about the kid

while actually aardvarking with her studly husband,

then breaks into the young guy's house

on a mission to either save him, find out what's up

with his father, or get some more hot nookie.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with the gender switched

H.P. Lovecraft sex demon jumping around the cast

like one of those Viagra victims with a 12 hour erection?

I think not.

So let's look at those drive in totals and get started.

We have one breast. -Whoo!

-So let's start with that.

Joe, how do you make a 98 minute sex movie

with one breast in it?!

Have you been to the drive in?

Have you seen a Shannon Tweed movie?

All right. Sorry. One breast. -Whoo!

-Three dead bodies,

one demon octopus, bullet to the forehead with splatter.

One ceremonial dagger to the throat.

One ceremonial dagger to the cranium.

One window plunge.

The technical term for a window plunge is defenestration.

Multiple frenzied stabbing, crawling mangled corpse.

One anxious Miskatonic student.

Multiple out-of-body orgasmic meltdowns.

Smoke ring blowing, implied Necronomicon reading.

Mind transference.

Inappropriate doctor-patient relationships.

Excellent body swap transformation effects.

Head rolls. Hypnosis fu. Back up camera fu.

Scalpel fu. Drive In Academy Award

nominations for Heather Graham

for kinking it up with her husband,

her patient, and a demon.

Judah Lewis for kinking it up with everything that moves,

including himself. Barbara Crampton for producing

and going medieval in the final act,

and Joe Lynch for being a pervert with a camera,

and also Dennis Paoli

for writing this script for Stuart Gordon

many years ago and then updating it

for H.P. Lovecraft lovers everywhere.

Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

All right.

Have you ever been to the Museum of Sex in New York City, Darcy?

-I have not. -No?

-Mosex, they call it.

That's a great name. Let's go to Mosex.

You know, who can turn that down?

Anyway, I haven't been there for a while,

but there used to be, at the entrance to Mosex,

they had this white sculpture of a dead hooker

crumpled up on her bed.

And it makes you go, "Whoa,

what am I getting into here in this museum?"

But it's supposedly the body of Helen Jewett,

who was the most famous dead prostitute in New York history.

And what happened was this young dandy --

we used to call him dandies.

You know, uh, well-dressed young guy.

Uh, this dandy was attempting to get his love letters back

from the hooker

because he wanted to get married to a society girl.

Things got ugly.

And he didn't just kill her. He set her on fire.

And that led to sort of a trial of the century kind of thing,

with people wondering whether he would get off

getting the death penalty because he was rich, and he did.

The jury acquitted him in 15 minutes,

but everybody knew that he'd done it.

-Wow. When was this? -This was in the 1830s.

It's like an historic case.

And she wasn't a streetwalker, either.

She was a high class brothel girl.

And you had to make reservations to be with her.

-So it's very interesting, but is it relevant to the movie?

-Well, it's relevant because the point I wanted to make

is Mosex knows what they're doing with these exhibits,

because they proceed from the assumption that -- A --

sex is messy, and -- B -- the messier it gets,

the more interesting it is. -Agreed.

-So anyway, the murderer was acquitted,

but he had to leave town, so he spent the rest of his life

running a saloon in Nacogdoches, Texas.

Because if you're a murderer or any kind of lowlife,

really, and you need to hide, you go to Texas automatically.

I mean, that's just where you go.

We're famous for that.

-Gotta be famous for something.

-Yeah, that's why you never ask anybody in Texas,

"Where are you from?" That's very rude

because they're from someplace that got kicked out of.

[ Laughter ]

-Texas.

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

[Door opens]

[Footsteps]

-I heard he came in pretty messed up.

-We're about to find out.

♪

-It's impossible to tell that to a person,

much less who it is.

-Well...

You wanted a look see.

-He was beautiful once.

-They all look pretty much the same on the inside.

[Zipping]

You know, Doctor, I don't envy you,

having to work with these when they're still alive.

-He wasn't one of mine.

-Well, they all end up one of mine eventually.

-Cute.

[Sighs]

-Hey, Dr. Upton.

Did I hear they got Dr. Derby down here?

-I'm afraid so.

-You be careful now.

You know, my old man used to say,

"Friends are the most dangerous."

-Oh, why is that?

-Because they're friends.

-Yeah.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Pounding on door]

Heads up, gentlemen.

♪

♪

♪

-[Whispering] Cut off the head, cut off the head.

Destroy the body.

[Continues indistinctly]

-Did they cremate the body? Is he dead?

Really dead?

-They start the autopsy in a few minutes.

-No, no, no, no, no, no. -Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

-He can still get me. -He's dead.

You made sure of that. -Dani.

Dani, I need you to believe me.

-Beth, control yourself.

[Panting]

-Let her go.

-Ma'am, she's dangerous.

-She's my patient.

-I'm your friend.

I know how this sounds, but if he does it again,

it's forever.

-Give us a minute.

Who exactly is he?

-We can't go through this again.

We don't have time. I don't have time.

-You must recognize your symptoms.

-Yes. Paranoid schizophrenia.

But how could you understand unless it happened to you?

-Okay, tell me from the beginning.

-I thought I had everything.

A successful practice.

An ideal husband.

A suitable life.

Until that thing knocked at my door,

I thought I was in control.

-She thinks I'm weak.

-What do you think?

-I think she has no idea how hard it is.

-Hard how? -The urge.

I try to control it, but I just give in.

-So it's your weakness?

-You don't have to put words in my mouth.

-I'm afraid we ran out of time.

-She makes me feel like a street corner drug addict.

I'm not a junkie. I'm an English professor.

-Well, let's discuss it next session.

-Look, I will have beaten this by then, Doctor. Okay?

Just...

They want me to perish. All of them.

My colleagues, the Dean, my wife.

I'm not who they think I am.

-Well, until the next chapter, Professor.

-Right. Thank you.

[Door opens, closes]

♪

♪

-Dammit.

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

-Oh, Can I help you?

-You're Dr. Elizabeth Derby?

-Yes. -Can I talk to you, please?

-I'm sorry, you can make an appointment

with my service. -Please.

I need your help.

[Gasps]

-Did you forget something, Professor?

-Carry on. [Clears throat]

-Sorry.

-It's all right. Why are you here?

-I'm a student at Miskatonic. I read your book.

-Which one?

-The one on the out-of-body experiences.

-As a symptom of schizophrenia?

-I was outside my body.

-Come in.

-Sit down. -Thanks.

-What's your name?

-Asa Waite.

-The first thing you should know is that you're not alone.

-No, I am.

No one understands.

-You'd be surprised. A lot of psych students think

they see symptoms of what they're studying

in their own behavior, but it doesn't mean

that you have a problem.

-No, I didn't read it for school.

I read it because it happened to me.

-That's okay. You can get that.

-I know this sounds crazy, but I-I'm afraid to talk to him.

-To whom? -I don't know how it happens,

but it felt like he did it.

Like he has this power over me.

-Who has a power over you, Mr. Waite?

-He wants to do it again. If know it.

-Wants what?

-He wants...

my body.

-Who is this person that you're afraid of?

[Cellphone buzzes]

-Um, my father, he...

he's looking for me.

Can you come home with me?

-I'm sorry, but I don't go to clients' homes.

-It's not far. Just at the end of High Street. Number 33.

Please.

-Let me call the psychiatric department at Miskatonic.

I can tell them that it's an emergency.

[Cellphone buzzing]

-It's him.

No, no, I won't talk to you. Okay? You --

You have to stop it.

I've gone to see someone.

Someone to help me.

No. No. No. No.

-Asa? Asa?

-[Groans]

[Groans, screams]

Help.

[Groans]

[Bones cracking]

[Screams]

[Bones cracking]

[Sighs]

-How are you feeling?

-Like shit.

You're a doctor.

-Well, that's why you're here.

-[Chuckles]

-Whoa, take it easy.

-Am I stricken?

-What do you mean?

-Uh, am I...ill?

-Do you remember our conversation, Mr. Waite?

-Well, it depends. What did I say?

-Well, that you had an out-of-body experience.

-You know, you shouldn't believe any young cunt

when he talks crazy.

-Do you often talk crazy?

-Believe the appropriate response to that

is it's none of your fucking business.

You wouldn't happen to have a cigarette, would you?

-This is a medical office. There's no smoking.

-Jesus Christ.

You know, sometimes I just fucking hate the modern world.

-You said you needed help. I want to help you.

-Perhaps.

Someday.

-I'll waive my fee. It won't cost you anything.

This is my personal number.

-Well that's -- that's very forward of, Dr. Derby.

-Well, I want to help you, Asa.

Um...

Excuse me.

-I'm not so sure you can.

Yet.

But I'll keep that door open.

Just in case.

-Watching him leave, I was shocked,

but I couldn't shake him from my thoughts.

And then I broke our profession's most sacred rule.

I took my work home with me.

It's definitely multiple personality disorder.

The most dramatic case I've ever seen.

He transitions through seizures and extreme somatic symptoms.

-Oh. I'd love a glass. Thanks, doc.

-Sorry, hon.

I think he's terrified of some male figure.

Early child abuse is the classic cause of MPD.

-But he's not a patient? -Not yet.

But he could be the subject of a major case study.

But he needs help.

-Well, how was your day, Edward? Oh, you know, just fine.

I woke up, I worked out.

I had three job interviews with bro bosses half my age.

Cried in the car, I came home and found a modicum of solace

in this branzino before thee.

-I'm sorry. You're right. [Sighs]

How was your day, Eddie?

-Oh, it's okay. You listen to people talk all day.

I'm sure there's something else we can figure out.

I've come a long way from the ocean.

Will you find a new home for me?

In your belly? In your belly.

-Stop.

-Eat me.

[Laughter]

-Stop.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Moaning]

♪

[Moaning]

♪

[Panting]

♪

[Panting]

♪

-[Sighs]

[Door opens]

[Keys clatter, seatbelt clicks]

[Engine starts]

-Please. I need your help.

I'm not so sure you can.

I was outside my body.

I don't know how it happens, but it felt like he did it.

My father.

He wants my body.

Can you come home with me?

It's not far. Just at the end of High Street, number 33.

But I'll keep that door open. Just in case.

Please.

[Dialing]

-Driving to 33 High Street.

-So what compelled you to go to the house?

-I know how it sounds, but I really couldn't control myself.

My mind was drawn to him.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Excuse me, sir.

-[Snoring] -Are you all right?

-[Screams] -[Gasps]

-[Gasping]

-Can you tell me what's wrong?

-Pills. Pills pocket.

[Groaning]

You have a serious heart condition, Mr. Waite.

-Oh, well, thank you for the obvious diagnosis, Dr. Derby.

-You know who I am.

-I recognize your likeness from your book.

I figured you'd come.

-Well, then you know I'm looking for Asa.

He told you he came to see me. Is he here?

-He ran off days ago.

-You don't sound very upset about him being missing.

-Well, in my own defense,

the boy's never been much earthly use.

-Is that what children are for? To be used?

-That's what everyone's for. Except me.

Well, now I'm no damn use at all since I was stricken.

-Stricken? Do you mean you had a stroke?

-Yeah, I had a stroke and heart attack and cancer.

And I beat them all.

[Sighs]

-What is this book?

-Oh, it's entitled "None of Your Fucking Business."

[Chuckles] Oh, look at you. You moved right in. Yes.

Take over. You assume you deserve my respect.

-Asa came to me for help.

He is a seriously troubled young man.

He needs clinical care.

-[Coughing, gagging]

[Groans]

[Sighs]

Make no mistake, my flesh and blood are finally failing me.

But my mind is still sharper than a serpent's tooth.

In spite of a thankless child and my eyesight,

I still -- I appreciate a fine figure when I see one.

-Listen to me, sir. It is dangerous in Asa's state

to be left unsupervised, and given your condition --

-Don't you worry about me and my boy.

You just tend to your own affairs.

-If Asa comes back, have him call me

if you care about him at all.

-Of course I care about him! He's my son.

He's...

He's my salvation.

-Listen to me, friend.

I just need to make one phone call.

-Well, Doctor.

Dr. Derby, this house call is over.

[Coughs]

[Groans]

-[Gasps]

-Get out! Get out!

♪

♪

[Static crackles]

-So the blood from Heather Graham's hand

drips down on to the Necronomicon,

and, well, it's not the Necronomicon.

It's some kind of spooky book, though, with Cthulhu in it,

because Heather, in the form of Dr. Elizabeth Derby,

has been corrupted.

There's always an early scene in a Lovecraft story

where one of the main characters

get screwed up mentally by something

that can't be explained,

but we kind of know what it is because we're perverts.

You ever done that, Darcy?

-Done what?

-You're having sex with one person

and you're visualizing another person.

-Oh, my God, of course.

And not just people. Like, things.

-You visualize things while you're having sex?

-You know, like, I don't know,

like the "Revenge of the Mummy", right?

-You've you've envisioned -- -Don't judge me.

-Is "Revenge of the Mummy" an orgasmic ride at universal?

-Definitely.

-Anyway, it's kind of brutal when she's aardvarking

and with her husband And she turns cougar

in the middle so she can,

you know, ride the barely legal Asa.

But then every scene she's in so far

seems to have some underlying sexual charge to it,

plus she's already done six or seven things

that could get her brought up on ethics charges

before the Sigmund Freud Board of Shrinks.

So I'm surprised she still has her therapy license.

But why am I prattling on

when we have the kinky director of "Suitable Flesh"

waiting in the wings?

You know him from "Mayhem."

You know him from the Twitter wars.

You know him as that guy

who's always hanging around with Adam Green.

I've made him an adjunct professor

of sex education tonight. Here he is, Mr. Joe Lynch!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-All right. -Well, well, well.

We meet again.

-Yes, we meet again. -Hello, Darcy.

-Hi.

-Also, the scarabs on the mummy ride.

-Hot, right? So hot. -Cinna-boner.

-He gets it. -All right, Joe,

you look like an orderly at Miskatonic Medical School.

-Funny you should say that.

Just without the mustache.

-Yeah, that's the role you wanted, right?

It was the uniform of the guy whose constantly, you know,

putting crazy people into headlocks.

That's what you wanted to play in the movie.

-Exactly. You do your research.

-Yeah, I did, so, Joe, you're here tonight

because you're a pervert.

-I mean, is that the only qualification you need?

I should have been on --

-Many times, right? -Yeah.

-Here's the reason I say that. -Okay.

-There were many producers in studio executives

over the years who were asked to make this movie.

And even though it was written by Dennis Paoli,

and even though it was going to be directed by Stuart Gordon,

um, the reason they they gave

that they didn't want to make it was too perverted, too sexy.

But then you showed up and said, "I can go there."

So congratulations.

-I just needed to drop my pants and say, "green light."

That's all you need.

-All right, so tell me how this happened.

What's the genesis of this movie?

-We were all in lockdown learning how to make bread

and, you know, write that screenplay

you really always wanted to write.

And I got an email from Barbara Crampton,

who I had just, um, met a couple, uh,

bars ago or whatever.

And, you know, Barbara is very social and everything.

-And Barbara Crampton was the star of "Re-Animator"

and "From Beyond", the original two, Stuart Gordon,

H.P. Lovecraft -- -She's an icon.

-Yeah. -And she's been on the show.

-Right. -And she and, uh, Dennis Paoli

had been on this email, and they just sent me this thing

and said, "What do you think?"

Now, I knew about "The Thing on the Doorstep"

script, because, um,

Stuart used to be at these Masters of Horror dinners,

and Mick Garris would kind of get all

these horror directors together, and, you know,

you're sitting there with, like,

there's Wes Craven and John Landis and Tobe Hooper

and me and Adam Green.

We were the masturbators of horror.

We were off on the corner on the kid's table.

Um, but he would talk about "The Thing on the Doorstep",

and this was his, like, getting the band back together script.

-That's the name of the script that you're about to look at.

"The Thing on the Doorstep." -Yep.

-Okay, but you had never read it until --

-Never read it. -He called you?

-I was just excited as a fan

to see another Stuart Gordon movie.

And unfortunately, he died in 2020.

And about six weeks later, during the pandemic,

I got this email, and it was just Barbara saying,

"Take a look at this and see what you think."

And I mean, I was so excited as a fan of Stuart Gordon's

to read this thing.

And I read it and I went, "Wow. Holy crap."

It's back in the Miskatonic world.

It's back with Lovecraft. They want me to do it.

It felt -- It was very surreal.

The only thing about the script that was a little bit like,

I don't know if this would work for the times,

was the fact that in the original Lovecraft story,

it was two men,

and I was working with the new writing partner at the time,

and we were kind of going back and forth,

and we both came up with this idea,

why don't we switch the genders?

Because that's what -- -You wanted to be woke?

-No, I wanted to be dangerous again.

Because you know what?

In 1995, you can do that script with Michael Douglas,

and it would be box office bonanza.

-Yeah. -This, I was like,

"I don't know if we can get --"

And you know this very, very well, Joe Bob, you know,

in the woke world, you got to be a little careful with

how you approach the woke generation, if you will.

-And so you wanted to switch the whole thing?

You wanted to turn the whole thing upside down

and make it two women instead of two men

and reverse all the gender roles.

-Exactly, and that just made it feel more like what Stuart --

-And what did Barbara say to that?

-"We'll get back to you."

-"We'll get back to you"?

She didn't go for that?

Barbara is a producer, people should know.

Barbara Crampton produces movies, too.

And she brings money to the table.

-Exactly, but she was only going to be a producer on this

because I even said like, you know,

"Would you want to be involved in this?"

She says, "No, no, no, I just want to be behind the camera."

Once we got the cast, she was like, "Oh, I can't,

I can't miss out on the opportunity to do this."

-Yeah.

-But Dennis was on the email, as well,

and he said, "Let me think about it.

And then about I think it was like

three or four weeks later, we got a script back,

and it was a new draft where he didn't just go in

and just change Daniel to Daniela and Edward to Elizabeth.

He dove into it further, and with the themes, with the,

you know, the gender identity idea of it,

the fluid sexuality,

it just kind of like opened up a whole new world

of possibilities.

-Okay.

All right, well, don't say anything else because,

you know, we're early in the movie,

and any of your answers are likely to include spoilers,

but you have always been a big fan of erotic thrillers, right?

-Oh, yes. I mean, who isn't?

-What's the best erotic thriller in your opinion?

-That depends on -- -Best ever.

-Best ever? -Yes.

-"Basic Instinct." No. Mm. "Dressed to Kill."

No, wait. "Body Double."

No, wait. Hold on.

"Body Chemistry" with Mark Singer.

-"Body Chemistry" with Mark Singer?!

-And you know which one I'm talking about.

-More than "Body Heat"?

-"Body Heat" is good, too. "Last Seduction."

-There's too many. -"Body Heat" is slow paced.

I'm not a "Body Heat" fan.

Really? "Body Double", though.

-"Body Double." I'll give you that one.

-All erotic thrillers --

I mean, would you agree with this?

Erotic thrillers have about three plots, you know,

and they all come from James M. Cain.

They all come from James M. Cain novels.

You know, you take the three plots of

the James M. Cain novels, and that's erotic thrillers.

And so maybe that's why erotic thrillers died out,

is that they'd made all the stories.

-But don't you think that erotic thrillers were

just film noir with more aardvarking?

-Well, yeah, it was film noir carved down into

it's just the sex.

It's just about the sex. -Nothing wrong with that.

-But, um, the reason I ask you is that you went sexy sax

with the Heather Graham sex scene.

You had the old sexy sax from the '90s,

you know, and I'm an I'm an old tenor sax player,

so, in fact,

I'm surprised you didn't just use the intro

to "Careless Whisper."

You know, you could have.

-We couldn't afford it.

-You couldn't afford "Careless Whisper."

So, all right, who played your sexy sax?

Let's give him credit.

-Our sexy sax was done by none other than Steve Moore,

the composer of "Mayhem" and "The Guest" and "Cub."

He's also in the band Zombie.

And I knew he was a very good sax player.

So I just threw it out there and said,

"If I can't get Tim Cappello..."

-You wanted to get Tim Cappello for the sexy sax?

-We tried, and he was like, "That's too sexy for you guys.

I'm sorry."

[Laughter]

-But I knew that Steve was a big sax player and, um,

and I said, "Let's just do it. Fuck it. Let's just go for it."

I will say this. All but one of our producers like the idea.

And that one producer who did not like it

was Barbara Crampton.

-Really? She didn't want sexy sax?

-Not a fan. We had to --

It wasn't until we premiered the movie that she went,

"All right, sexy sax."

-You know, maybe that's

why they're making you do the Skinemax scenes for five hours.

-All that sexy sax music. -Well, they got to --

They got to make room for all the sexy sax in there.

-Makes sense.

-All right, before we get back to the movie,

oh, one more thing. How great is Bruce Davison?

-He is a god. Like, knowing --

-As the father.

-As Ephraim Waite. -Yeah.

-He was only on set for two or three days,

but, I mean, the guy has the best stories in the world

because he's been on every single set.

He had stories about "Close Encounters of the Third Kind"

that will blow your mind. -Yeah.

Five decade career, still at it, you know.

All right, I want to get into Cthulhu at the next break.

Are you Cthulhu literate? Do you know about Cthulhu?

-I mean, I have it blazoned on my tit.

-Okay. You do? Okay. Cthulhuscope.

Um, you put a strangely Cthulhu like book

in the scene that we just watched.

And you dripped blood. -The Kekranomicon.

-The what? -The Kekranomicon.

-The what? -The Kekana.

We can't use Necronomicon,

so we had to change it a little bit.

-Why can't you use Necronomicon?

-Sam Raimi.

-Oh, okay. -Bastard.

-So you dripped blood on to the open pages

of the Kekranomicon? -Yeah, sure.

[ Laughter ]

-Okay, well, we're going to test you on Cthulhu knowledge.

So back to the movie. This is a very kinky movie.

-Thank you. -Joe.

You know, you're among friends here, Joe.

You know, Darcy is the web mistress

of a site called Kinky Horror.

-I've been on there a few times. -You have?

We really want to know how kinky you are, Joe.

-Start asking away. -We won't judge.

I mean, the mutant family won't judge.

Everybody here in the studio

won't judge, several million people at home will not judge.

Um, where do you sit on the freak scale?

1 to 10. Where do you sit?

-12. -12?

All right.

And how much did you lie just now about that?

-Zero. -Okay.

-My wife's here, so, you know, you can ask her next.

-All right. We will be asking her that.

All right. So that kind of scares me, Joe, actually.

[ Laughter ]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

-So I went back to my life, and I tried to focus on my work.

But something wouldn't let me.

-And then the other day I was shaking and sweating.

I-I couldn't see straight. I wanted to...

-You wanted to what?

-[Sighs] I wanted to hit him.

-But you didn't? -No.

In my mind, I hit him.

And I did it again and again. And I liked it.

I mean, I love him.

I really like thinking about beating him.

[Sighs] What do I do?

-We could try hypnosis.

-Will it stop the urges?

-It could.

Do I have your consent, Mr. Crawley?

Okay.

Breathe regularly. Clear your mind.

-Am I going to lose consciousness or control?

-It's just a relaxation technique.

Now look at this pen. Really look at it.

Look at the light shining off of it.

Let your mind float free.

Drifting up towards the ceiling.

Your mind is floating out of your body.

Now you are alone.

Alone with the person you love.

How do you feel?

-He doesn't love me.

He can't.

I hate him.

I want to hit him.

-The tighter you clench your hand,

the less you feel the urge to hate.

Do you feel it subsiding?

-Yes, I do.

[Knocking]

-Doctor. -Asa.

-I tried to run away. I tried to escape from him.

-I have a client. Just wait here.

-He wants my body.

-Your father? What did he do to you?

-You saw what he did. -Saw what?

-You were there in your office.

Okay? You -- You saw it happen.

-I'm taking you to Miskatonic,

and then we're calling the police.

-You don't believe me?

-I can't fight him. I can't do it, okay?

That old, sick body, I... I'd rather die.

-You don't mean that.

-But he's stealing my life.

-Then he'll have to steal mine, too.

I'm glad you came back. Stay here.

Oh, dammit.

Your stress is gone. Your mind is clear.

Your body is relaxed, drifting down,

back into your body.

When I tap three times, you'll return to consciousness.

-[Sighs] Okay, I'm ready.

-I'm sorry, but there's been an emergency.

I need to escort a patient to the hospital immediately.

-I don't feel any different.

-We'll do a follow up next time.

Just remember when you feel the urge to violence,

just make a fist.

Make a fist.

Now, please excuse me.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

-Long day, doc?

-Difficult day.

-You want to talk about it pro bono?

-I can't. Patient-client privilege.

You know how it goes.

-Would you like a roll in ze hay?

-I wish. I have some notes I have to make.

I'm going to be up for a while.

-Well, you know, I can't sleep very well without you.

-Mm. I can prescribe you something for that.

-So can I.

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, no.

-Oh, I should. It might be a patient.

Yes. -Doctor!

-Asa? -Is that him?

-Please. Please. I can't stop him.

-Asa, call the police.

-Police? -Where are you?

-Home, home. -Asa? Asa?

[Beeping]

Oh.

I have to go. It's an emergency.

-What kind of emergency? No, you --

You call the police, you let them handle it.

You're just his doctor. -No, but, Eddie, it's my job.

-It's not your job I'm worried about.

-It's going to be okay.

You're sweet. I'll be right back.

[Door opens]

-Asa!

[Door closes]

Asa!

Asa?

Asa?

Mr. Waite?

Where are your pills?

-[Line ringing] -911. What's your emergency?

-Hello. This is a medical emergency.

Someone is having a heart -- -No!

[Glass shatters]

-What are you doing? -Help me. Not him.

-He's dying! -Good.

He has to stop it.

-Asa, give me the knife.

This is not you. This is -- This is him, not you.

Give me the knife.

Do you want to go to jail for the rest of your life?

Give me the knife.

-Please, please, please, just let me kill him.

-Where are his pills? -No.

-Give me the pills.

-Stop. -Give me the pills.

Give me the pills. -Let it go.

-Let him -- let him die. Let him die, please.

Oh, my God.

Is he -- is he dead?

How long?

How long does the brain live after the body dies?

-It's over.

Whatever pain he caused you, whatever he did to you,

your father can't hurt you anymore.

-That's not my father, okay?

It's stole my father's life, and now it wants mine.

-We're going to call the police,

and then we're going to get you help.

-No. No, no! You can't call the police.

Cut off his head. Cut out his brain!

-He has no power over you except in your mind.

-His -- His mind. You don't understand.

His mind has the power!

That day we met. That day we met in your office.

That was -- That was the second time.

If it happens again, then it's over, it's over.

It always comes in threes.

-I can help you. Let me help you.

-No. Then help me cut his head off

and -- and burn him.

Okay? If he could speak, if he says it one more time...

[Groans]

-No. No!

-[Groans]

[Speaking foreign language]

-[Gagging]

[Groans]

[Groans]

[Bones cracking]

[Groans]

[Sighs]

-Asa. You had a seizure.

-A seizure?

You could call it that.

-Do you remember what happened?

I thought he was dead.

-Oh, he's dead all right.

-We have to report what happened,

and then I want to take you to the hospital for observation.

-What is it you'd like to observe?

-Well, Asa, man died.

-You doctors are all the same.

You ask a lot of questions,

but you don't like answering them, do you?

-Have you seen a lot of other doctors?

-Doctors. Healers.

Potion dealers.

Lots and lots of priests.

-Well, do they explain why this happens to you?

Why you forget who you are?

-No. The devil makes me do it.

-I think you change personalities to escape the pain

and the rage you feel because of what he did to you.

-And you came to save me, didn't you?

My hero.

-What you're experiencing is called transference.

You're transferring the feelings

you couldn't express to your father to your doctor.

To me.

-Then I must have really wanted to fuck my old man.

-Well, uh, I'm going to go get help.

I want you to come with me.

-And I want to come inside you.

-[Sighs] Don't make it worse.

-Then let me make it better.

-You don't understand what you're doing.

-Oh, I know exactly what I'm doing.

♪

[Moaning]

♪

[Moaning]

♪

[Panting]

♪

[Moaning]

♪

-I'm gonna come.

Oh, oh!

-Give yourself to me.

[Moaning]

Come on.

Come on.

-[Moaning]

-Come on!

-[Gasps]

[Panting]

[Bones cracking]

[Gasping]

[Sighs]

-Interesting.

Yes.

This is a magnificent body.

It suits me. It suits me well.

Yes.

I want it. I want your body very much.

Oh.

-[Groans]

[Groans]

[Bones cracking]

-[Gasping]

[Gasps]

[Panting]

What -- What just happened?

-The first time is always the most painful.

And quickest.

I promise it gets easier.

-No, but I was in your body.

-I was in yours.

-No, no, I don't mean it like that. I mean, my...

My mind was in your body.

-Well, I guess then...

if anybody ever tells you to go fuck yourself,

you can tell them you have.

-We have to figure out what happened.

-You will, Doctor. You will.

Shit! Petulant child!

Asa, come back here!

-[Gasps]

-Help. -[Gasps]

-Help me!

-[Screams] -It's me!

-[Screams] -It's me!

-[Gasps] -It's Asa!

-Get off me!

-[Gagging]

-[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Skin tearing]

[Knife plunging]

-Asa! Asa!

[Thuds]

[Gasps]

-Help me!

Help me! -[Screams]

-Too much?

-And that's when I went to see you.

-I didn't grasp how bad it was.

You were frantic, hallucinating.

I just thought...

Sounds like you had an out of body experience.

Yes. No.

I felt his -- his mind going into my body.

It was pain like I've never felt before.

-Of course it was painful.

You felt guilty about your feelings for this patient

because you love your husband

and because you're a dedicated doctor.

So you projected your ego on to one of the people

you felt you'd wronged.

Your patient.

Hell, Beth, you wrote the book.

-Okay, maybe. But it felt so real.

He spoke in this language that I didn't understand,

and I felt like I was in his body.

It was like he made it happen.

-So you used a fantasy to spice up your sex life,

and now you're creating another one to displace your guilt.

You're blaming the victim.

-I don't know, Dani.

I think I'm losing my mind. What should I do?

-You did the right thing.

You came to see me first.

We'll get through this.

But you have to admit what you've done.

-So I should call the police. -And tell them what?

That a young male patient you slept with murdered

the reanimated corpse of his father?

No, you have to understand what really happened last night.

Is it possible he drugged you?

-I don't know. I don't know.

-All right. We'll figure it out together.

Don't worry.

-Thanks.

-Yeah.

Let me get you a fresh shirt.

And you should talk to Eddie.

You can't work through this, Beth,

till you face it.

All of it.

You taught me that.

-You're right.

-Damn right I'm right.

Through all kinds of weather.

-We stick together.

-And no more house calls, okay?

-There be monsters. -There be monsters.

[Static crackles]

-Joe? -Yes?

-"Through all types of weather, we stick together"?

That's the secret handshake code.

Not very Lovecrafty.

-Well, to be fair, I know it's not Lovecrafty,

but it actually was a remnant from the original,

like, rewrite that we were doing

that we were going to put in something

that bonded the ladies together.

Like a secret handshake. Right? -And what was that?

-It's "Sisters" from "White Christmas."

-Oh, my God. -Oh, my --

That's his Lovecraft as you get.

-Let me get this straight.

You take a story about hot sex body swappers

and you think Bing Crosby? You know?

-As you do.

-As you do. What are you talking about?

-And you actually went to the estate of Bing Crosby

and tried to get the rights to "Sisters"?

-100%.

-So you were going to insert a "Sisters" production number

into the movie at this point?

-I was trying to class the joint up a little bit, Joe Bob.

-Heather Graham and Barbara Crampton

were going to sing "Sisters" in the movie right here?

-We were going to just stop everything dead,

and they were going to break into song and dance.

-And so you weren't even going to do the Bing Crosby,

Danny Kaye cross-dressing version,

which would have been the woke thing to do.

You just wanted the original boring "Sisters" number

from the opening scene of the movie.

-Sequel. Yeah, let's put that down for the sequel.

Thank you. -Okay.

-We tried, look, and we tried to get the song,

and they laughed in our faces.

So we went with another song.

-The people that run that Bing Crosby estate, boy,

they are just not horror fans.

-No. -I'm so surprised.

All right, so, Joe,

when a body swap happens in the movie,

what is actually being swapped? -The essence.

Their minds, if you will. -Their brain?

-Yes. -Okay.

The genitals are not swapped. But the brain is swapped.

-No, just the brain.

But the brain is a direct conduit to the genitals.

So you're bringing your sex drive with you cranially.

-Openly. -Crazily so.

-So it's not so much a swap,

though, as like that thing that rapes Barbara Hershey

and "The Entity", right?

-You mean you see all the fake, like, hands on the boobies?

-Well, you just see, like, she's having orgasms,

but she's also screaming and everything.

-It's funny, we also had a scene like that

in the movie, too, but time. Yeah, just time.

-Dang, -Okay.

-Sequel. -So what you're actually

filming is a series of sexual assaults by an invisible demon.

Is that correct?

-With a penchant for trying new things out, Joe Bob.

Just trying to open up its own world.

-All right, we should actually ask Darcy.

Darcy, you've had sex with the devil, right?

-We do that every Walpurgisnacht.

-That's true. -We do.

-Does the devil have a goat head or what?

-Oh, no, he's super hot. -He's super hot? Okay.

-Well, Judah Lewis, who plays Asa, is a very good looking guy.

Um, Heather Graham, of course, is very good looking.

Um, how did you map out those scenes and --

All right, what did you say to the actors about what's being

swapped? -Besides fluids?

-[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

-Well, knowing that they -- you know, shooting sex scenes,

as we know, is not always the most fun

and sexy thing in the world.

And plus, uh, their lawyers and their managers were very,

uh, very aware of what was going to go on.

So I had to write a 32 page legal document.

-What?

-And had to distribute that to every single person

on their team

to show them exactly how we were going to shoot it.

We storyboarded it, as well.

-Wait, wait, wait, you storyboarded the sex scenes?

-Yes, we did. -Wow.

-Every move in the sex scenes is storyboarded?

-Yep.

-Good for you. -Thank you.

And myself and my my now wife were posing for it, as well.

-Oh, that's what you did. What?

-Of course. Yes.

-You took pictures of yourself as storyboards

for the sex scenes? -I had to show Judah

how much butt crack I was going to actually have on this.

-And so you showed him your butt crack?

-I showed him my wife's butt crack.

Because when I shot mine, I'm like,

"There's absolutely no way that that is being distributed."

-Well, wait a minute.

Sometimes you're switching genders to in these scenes,

right? -Exactly.

-Does that mean you had to get girly

in the storyboards? -A little bit.

Just a touch. -You had to

-I had to get in touch with my feminine side.

-I totally get it.

-So in these body swap scenes, is it like,

"Wow, I've always wanted to do that,

but I never got the chance?" Or is it like,

"Well, I've never wanted to do that until now."

You know?

-All of those conversations were had before we got to set,

you know, with, uh, both Heather and Judah.

Uh, Bruce wanted to get into the conversation.

Bruce wanted to get himself into every conversation about sex,

which is totally fair. Barbara, as well.

No, we wanted to make sure that we were paying tribute to what

was supposed to be on the page with Lovecraft,

but obviously the added sex was not in the original story.

So we wanted to make sure

that we were hitting all those factors

while also being a little sexy, you know?

-But really, the expert sexual intimacy in the scene.

Yes. Is invisible. We never really see --

-We never see -- -We never really see

the demon.

Is the sex demon Cthulhu?

-I don't know. Why would I give that away?

-I don't know. -I'm not giving that away here.

-You know, there's there's always this octopus head with

a weird tail that's, uh, you know, ultimately,

when you go back to the H.P. Lovecraft original monster,

it's Cthulhu, and it's an octopus head

with a with a weird tail, right?

-Mm-hmm.

-And so is that Cthulhu messing around for a thousand years,

jumping from body to body?

-I wouldn't necessarily say it is Cthulhu itself --

themselves, because Cthulhu could be non-binary.

Let's be fair. -Okay.

-You know, um,

but let's just say maybe that it is an extension of Cthulhu,

if you will. -Because you can make

an argument that Cthulhu is the monster

that still lives inside us, you know,

normally identified as whatever our

constant subconscious anxieties are

and whatever we're most afraid of, um, and our deepest secrets.

And of course, this kind of stuff

that comes out in sexuality.

So, like, Heather Graham is -- she's married to a hunk.

-Jonathan. Schaech. -Played by Jonathan Schaech.

Yeah, he's the actor who -- he once went to,

Renny Harlin and told him he was upset

because he wasn't getting to show off his chest and abs

enough in "Return to Hercules." -That's very funny

because it he did the same exact thing to us.

He walked around, set in his underwear, going like,

"I can be shirtless in this shot, right?"

And I'm like, "Jonathan, you're at dinner."

He's like, "But I could be shirtless in the scene."

-And he was shirtless at dinner, right?

-No, it was the scene after. -It was the scene after.

But you are showing off Jonathan's chest

and abs quite a bit in this movie.

And Judah Lewis, as well, for that matter.

But Heather is more like a predator.

She keeps her clothes on more often than not.

-Well, here's -- -These men are dropping trou

all around her, but Heather is keeping her clothes on.

-I heard your intro. I was over there.

I heard the complaint about the one tit

on the on the drive in totals, you know.

-Yeah. -And I will admit, while we were

shooting it, I was even going,

"What will the drive in totals be for this movie?"

-Shut up. -While we were shooting,

I swear to God. I brought Judah home.

This sounds bad.

I brought you to home on one of the nights, telling him,

"Oh, my God, this is going to be great.

We're going to watch Joe Bob,

we're going to have pizza," long shoot week.

And what episode did we watch? The "Nosferatu" episodes.

So he was like, "It's kind of artsy around here, isn't it?"

I'm like, "No, no, no, trust me,

there's a lot more titties and blood and gore

than than what you're going to see here."

But we went down the drive in totals of what it would be.

Um, now, when it comes to the one and a half tits,

like, let's be fair.

-What are you counting as a half?

-Well, there's the moment when Heather kind of,

like, starts to show her areola, and we had to cut away.

-Are you saying we saw some areola?

It was a little -- It was "semi-eola."

-Okay. -"Semi-eola."

Not to be confused with salmonella.

Um, but the idea of this is her flashback,

this is her perception.

She's telling the story in the padded cell.

So she's recounting what the sexuality would be like,

and she's recounting all the flesh on flesh.

And of course, she's going to objectify Jonathan Schaech,

and of course she's going to objectify Judah Lewis,

her bear and her twink.

She's not going to think of --

-A bear and a twink? That's how you set it up.

One bear and one twink?

-We have a bear, and we have a twink.

She's getting the best of both worlds.

There's a lot of intelligence.

-Let's give Heather a bear and a twink.

-Together. And sometimes in the same shot.

-Okay. Yeah. You're right.

-That scene when we do the first sex scene

where Jonathan goes down and Judah comes up,

that was the first scene of the first day.

-Now, are you shooting that continuously

so that all three of them are there?

-They were all in the bed.

-Jonathan goes down, and Judah comes up.

-The old Texas switch.

So there -- Okay. The Texas switch.

Yeah. So, um --

-But to go over that one point.

Do you think about yourself sexilly

when you're recounting a story to a friend

in a padded cell in Miskatonic University?

-I don't know, do you?

-We discussed this, and Heather was like,

"I don't think I would.

I think I would probably objectify all the men

in the film or my best friend." So that's the reason

why we don't have as much boobage in the movie,

is because this is her story, so there you go.

-Okay, well, later in the movie,

one of the characters has the line,

I don't remember which character has the line,

"the future is female."

-Yes. -Did you write that line?

-Yes. -Okay.

-Well, actually, no, I did not.

But it was written after the fact, yes.

-What do you mean by that?

-Because it's true.

-Really? The future is all female.

-Let's be fair, Joe Bob. -Okay.

-They're taking over the world. -Okay.

Um, you know,

and I don't think when you say the future is female,

I don't think you're talking about Indira Gandhi

or Margaret Thatcher or Hillary Clinton, right?

When you say that. -Maybe, you know.

They could be intellectual, but they can also be

a bunch of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, too.

-Okay. All right.

So the movie's going to get even kinkier, believe it or not.

So let's get back to it. Roll the flick.

And why did you go to Mississippi to shoot this?

-Money.

-You went to Mississippi

because they don't prosecute kinky in Mississippi, you know?

They would have put you in jail in Florida.

If you went to Florida,

they think Disney is a criminal organization in Florida.

So you could have got the death penalty

for this movie in Florida.

-We had to make sure that a lot of the crew members

were unaware of some of the sexual hijinks

that were going on.

Actually, the house that we shot in that Bruce Davison in is in,

in the film is an historical landmark.

-Really? -We took the pages out that had

all the sex in it when we had to submit it to --

-A historical landmark, where, in Jackson?

-In Jackson, Mississippi. -You're in Jackson?

-Yep. -Wow.

-And they did not have any clue.

They thought we were making a lively melodrama

for Lifetime. -Really?

-And and they showed up -- -I've worked in Jackson.

I wouldn't fuck with those people if I were you, Joe.

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

♪[Engine stops]

♪

-Beth?

Are you all right?

-I'm fine.

-Police are here.

-Dr. Elizabeth Derby? -Yes.

-I'm Detective Ledger, and this is Officer Huxley.

-Ma'am.

-We have a couple of questions we'd like to ask,

if you don't mind.

Were you at the home of an Ephraim Waite

at 33 High Street last night?

-Yes. A patient called and said that it was an emergency.

-Right. That's what the young man said.

-So you talked to the young man?

-Asa Waite. Yes. He said that you were a great help to him.

Oh, you must have dropped your phone when you left.

-Thank you.

-Don't worry. I didn't peek.

-The fire department found it near the home.

-There was a fairly serious fire that destroyed

much of the first floor.

Mr. Waite said that you left before the fire started.

Is that right? -Yes. Is everyone okay?

-The young man is fine.

And what about his father?

-He wasn't on the premises.

Mr. Waite, the young man,

said that he disappeared several days ago.

He's been reported as a missing person.

Anyway, we just wanted to return your property to you.

Oh, sorry to go all Columbo on you,

but I had one more question.

There was a phone call placed from your phone

to 911 emergency services last night

reporting that someone was having a heart attack.

Who was that?

Having the heart attack.

-I misdiagnosed a panic attack in the young man

as a cardiac event.

That's why I cut off the call. I realized that I was mistaken.

-Oh, I see.

We all make mistakes.

Have a nice day.

-Ma'am. -Have a nice day, officers.

-He definitely peaked.

-Beth, I was so worried about you.

-Don't, Eddie. -You were gone all night.

There was a fire? Somebody had a heart attack?

-Let's sit down.

-Okay.

What happened?

-The patient was very troubled.

I still don't understand.

-Just tell me.

-[Sighs]

-We...had...

...sex.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It was -- it was a mistake.

A terrible mistake.

I just, I-I lost myself.

-There's blood on you.

-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-I can't...

I can't look at you right now.

-So I left. Where else could I go?

What else could I do?

-You should have come back to me.

-No, you wouldn't have understood. You couldn't have.

I just -- I thought it was better to be alone.

I didn't realize it was already impossible for me

to be alone ever again.

[Wind whistling]

Asa?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Moans]

♪

♪

[Moans]

♪

No.

[Screams]

♪

-[Laughs]

♪

[Gasps]

-Great work today.

-Thank you, Doctor.

I can see now it's only a dream.

-Well, I'll see you next week.

-I thought you said I could reduce my sessions

to a monthly basis.

-Oh, I'm sorry. I just...

I've been losing track of time lately.

-I always find myself wishing

I could turn back the hands of time.

Well...[Chuckles]

Until next month.

-[Both chuckle] -Yeah.

[Door opens, closes]

[Sniffles]

Hi, Eddie. I'm coming home.

I'll do whatever it takes.

Professor.

-Doctor.

Oh, but what about our session?

[Engine starts]

[Engine revs, tires squeal]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Cellphone rings]

♪

♪

-Asa?

-You left in such a hurry the other night.

I didn't get to thank you.

-What did you do? Did you drug me?

And what happened to your father?

-Sorry to cut you off, but, you know,

I was just getting ready to head out.

I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed

the use of your body.

You'd be surprised.

It was unlike anything I've ever experienced.

-I need to understand what happened that night.

-If you insist.

[Speaking foreign language]

-[Gasps]

♪

[Groans]

♪

[Bones cracking]

♪

[Panting]

-No, no.

Asa! Asa!

What have you done to me?

Asa? Asa, pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.

Please. Please. You can't do this.

-Sorry. Wrong number.

[Beeping]

[Chain rattling]

-[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

[Static crackles]

-All right, Heather Graham seems to be really enjoying herself.

Or actually the Judah Lewis

character in the Heather Graham body

seems to be really enjoying himself or their self.

But it's not really the Judah Lewis character either.

It's whatever creature was in the Bruce Davison body,

because we're dealing with some kind of sex spirit that may

be thousands of years old, right?

Am I close to that, Joe -You're catching on

-All right.

But if you have sex for a thousand years,

you get really, really good at sex, right?

-Or just really, really bored with it.

-Well... -You got to change it up

a little bit, you got to explore new avenues.

-This is not really the kind of role you expect

from Heather Graham.

Did you ever did you ever think about going back

to the erotic thrillers and using Shannon Tweed?

-Uh, it was discussed.

-It was discussed to us Shannon Tweed?

-Barbara made a list of people, and Shannon Tweed was on there.

She was the queen of the erotic thriller.

-Huge. You know, for like, that whole Skinemax '90s era,

she was the queen of it, you know, of the erotic --

direct to video erotic thriller, The Blockbuster.

-Would you have wanted Shannon Tweed?

Would that have been fun?

-Oh, my God, it would have been great to have --

to be able to explore the character with Shannon,

but we knew that we needed someone

that had the gravitas of being able to capture

multiple characters.

Plus, I had never seen Heather in a role like this before.

-Yeah. -Or even just, you know,

some people say like, "Oh, she's never done horror before,

but she's done a fair amount of horror,

like "From Hell", the Hughes brothers movie.

-Actually, Heather says

that she has been estranged from her strict Catholic parents

ever since she made "Boogie Nights" in 1997.

So I can just imagine what this role did for family unity.

-It was probably not a topic of conversation

during Thanksgiving dinner. -And then we got Judah Lewis.

Judah Lewis was just three years out of high school

when you made this,

but he seems pretty damn comfortable with his sexuality.

-He became a man on the set of the of the film.

Uh, he wasn't 21 yet. He was still 20.

He turned 21, I think the first couple days of the shoot,

that first sex scene, he was still a young little boy.

And then we made him a man. -[ Laughter ]

-Well, you're a student of horror.

Would you call this a body horror film?

-There are certain tropes, there's certain

elements or ingredients of body horror.

-You were thinking about making it,

were you thinking Cronenberg at all?

Did you have any Cronenberg?

"Shivers"? -Cronenberg,

more like "Dead Ringers." -Okay.

-Like less the outward side of body horror

and more of the inward thematic side of body horror,

which I feel like, um, "Dead Ringers",

even "M. Butterfly", in a way.

Um, so we were going a little classier Cronenberg,

if you will. -All right.

And, you know, I wanted to ask you this.

They have this new job description on movies

that feature nudity, and it's called intimacy coordinator.

Did you have an intimacy coordinator on "Suitable Flesh"?

-Nope. -No, we did not.

But not -- -Why not?

Not because of not because of the need for it.

I wanted to make sure that our actors were comfortable.

So we went to them and said, "Would you want to have someone,

you know, on the set to make sure that everyone's comfortable

and across the board?" Everyone said, "Why?"

-Okay. -I feel --

-Is an intimacy coordinator as something to avoid lawsuits or?

-Yeah, well, it's just to make sure

that everyone's playing nice and making sure

that everyone's consensually, you know, comfortable and safe.

You know, unfortunately, we are in an industry

that a lot of people have exploited that over the years,

whether it's on camera, behind the camera, what have you.

So we wanted to make sure that everybody was,

you know, safe and consensual and having a good time.

-And your cast said,

"No, we don't want anybody else in the room."

-Exactly. -Okay.

And so, Darcy, you would be a good intimacy coordinator,

actually, because you believe

that literally anything sexual is normal?

-Pretty much. Yeah.

-So the directors would love you

because you could tell the actors,

"No, don't worry about it.

Many people in Indonesia do this every day.

It's not weird at all."

-Our bodies are not that fragile.

We can take a lot.

-Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah. So, um, let's not go there, though.

Anyway, Joe, uh,

you already explained one breast in the whole movie

because you were trying to reverse the genders.

-Yes. -So you showed male breasts

instead of female breasts,

but you still should have put more breasts in it, Joe.

-I tried. -Shannon Tweed wept.

-Aw. -Aw.

-"Suitable Flesh 2: More Tits."

-All right, roll the flick. Roll the flick.

Oh, and we were talking about the Museum of Sex.

Have you been to Mosex, Joe? You ever been to Mosex?

Uh, the little audio guide gizmo

that they give you for the sexual guided tours at Mosex,

it has these Xaviera Hollander orgasm sounds on it.

And they have a whole section on,

uh, 19th century brothels. -Brothels.

-Whatever happened to the American tradition of brothels?

There were thousands of brothels in America.

How many are there today? Just like 10 or 20 in Nevada.

-Right? -They're called Chipotle's.

-Chipotle's -Yeah.

-You've never been to a Chipotle?

-Well, I know what Chipotle is, but hot.

Right? -It it gets muy caliente.

-Well, at Mosex, they have this interactive whorehouse map.

And you press a button, and the brothel

whatever location it is on the map

will be identified with quotations from these brochures

that they used to give out

that lovingly detailed the charms of each madam

and each brothel and the rates.

They rate the relative beauty of of the stable.

They were doing reviews.

They were putting out reviews of these places.

And you could and you could buy these on the street and, uh,

but what a great American tradition.

And it's totally died out.

They used to have their own magazines, you know.

So now the owner of the New England Patriots

goes to a brothel, he gets indicted.

So I ask you, Joe, is that progress?

-I think we need a brothel community.

-Thank you. -Yes.

-Free the whorehouse, free the nipple, and free the whorehouse.

We always say. -Hell yeah.

-Okay. -Free the whorehouse.

-I just wanted to make that point.

-And what was this called again?

-The whorehouse. -What museum?

-Mosex. Museum of sex. New York City.

-Mosex. What are their hours?

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

[Chain rattling]

-[Grunts]

-It's really happening.

Oh, that smell.

[Flies buzzing]

♪

♪

Demon octopus.

Awesome.

♪

♪

-Shit. I'm married.

Ugh.

[Chain rattles]

[Cellphone buzzes]

-Dr. Danielle Upton.

-It's me.

-I'm sorry. Who's this?

-It's -- I'm a friend of Elizabeth Derby's.

Okay. She needs your help.

-What kind of help?

-She's in danger.

-Danger? What do you mean?

-No, look, there's no time, okay?

She needs help from a friend.

-I thought you said you were her friend.

-I can't help her.

I don't know if anybody can, but...

I know that she needs you.

Like you needed her.

-What did you say you were again?

-It doesn't matter, okay?

What matters is that if you don't come,

Elizabeth might die.

Or whatever makes her who she is might.

-Okay. What's the address?

-It's 33 High Street.

In a basement.

I think there should be a trap door

in the library under a rug.

Okay? Hurry. Dani, please.

-Mm.

♪

Nice.

Hello, dear.

-Okay, Beth. You said you wanted to talk.

Let's talk.

-Why don't we have a drink first? You want one?

-Well, it looks like you've been drinking enough

for the both of us.

-To our future together.

Ah, mm, I feel better.

I feel like a new woman.

-Okay. Alright.

What's going on with you?

-Well, dear, why don't we start fresh?

I'm Elizabeth. Could I bum a smoke?

-You don't smoke.

You don't usually drink during the day.

And you don't sleep with your clients.

Who the hell are you?

-I told you.

I'm Elizabeth. And you are mister...

-Okay. What the hell? What aren't you telling me?

-Just some things that you don't want to know.

-Whoa, um... -Mm.

-Okay. You said you would do whatever it takes.

-If that's what you want.

-I don't know what you want.

What are you doing?

-No more questions.

-[Gasps]

[Gasps]

[Knife clatters]

-Yes.

[Breathing heavily]

[Gasps]

[Panting]

[Gasping, moaning]

♪

♪[Panting, laughing]

♪

Oh, that's better, that's better.

Oh, that's better. It's better.

-[Groans]

[Panting]

[Laughing]

♪

[Footsteps]

[Door opens]

-Hello? -Down here!

-Dani, oh, my God. Thank God you came.

-You called me?

-It happened again. Okay. This is his body.

But it's me, Dani.

It's me.

-What's going on here?

-I don't know. Maybe it's for some kind of ritual.

Look.

Dani, I know, this is crazy, okay?

But you have to believe me.

-Who did this to you? Do you need help?

-It almost died in the old man's body.

That's why Asa wanted me to destroy the brain

before the third time.

But he didn't make it.

Then it changed forever.

Oh, God. Asa.

-What's your name?

-It's me, Dani. It's Beth.

-Oh, I see.

Then where's your body?

-I was -- I was home.

I was home.

Eddie!

-Who are you calling?

[Line ringing]

-991. Emergency services.

-Yes. My husband is in danger! Send the police now!

-Hello. -Sorry to bother you again,

but we got a report of a domestic disturbance.

-Can we see your wife, Mr. Derby?

-She's a little indisposed right now.

-I'm afraid we have to insist.

-Okay.

Come on in.

The cops are here, Doc.

-Are you all right, Dr. Derby?

-Me? I'm just dandy.

Brandy?

-No, thank you, ma'am.

We received a call from emergency services

about a domestic assault.

-Who reported that?

-I'm sorry, officer. It might be one of my patients.

I think I know which one.

Crazy.

-Uh, Mr. Derby, would you mind stepping in the other room

for a few minutes?

I have a few follow up questions.

-Okay. But you can call me Edward.

-Edward.

-Please go to the house, see if Eddie's all right.

Please.

-Wait a minute.

You're that patient, aren't you?

Have you been stalking her?

-No. He's the stalker.

Okay. That -- that's what this ritual must be for.

It must be some kind of pact.

It must be a sacrifice to make a pact

with something, for the power to take over someone's body.

That's what he -- it does.

One body after another.

-All right, that's enough.

-You listen to me, you little shit.

I have the power to have you committed to Miskatonic

faster than you can say "reasonable doubt."

So you tell me

what happened to Elizabeth Derby.

-You were saying?

-Uh, ma'am. Sometimes people don't feel comfortable

speaking in front of their spouses.

-Don't call me ma'am. I sound like a headmistress.

Call me Liz, Officer Huxley.

-Dr. Derby. -Officer Huxley.

Is it customary that a detective

would answer the call for a domestic dispute?

-Well, no, but we thought this and the incident

at Waite house might be connected.

-Mm. Fascinating.

-It always comes in threes.

He said after the third time, it's forever.

I have one more chance before it's done.

-I'm calling the police.

-Schizotypal personality disorder.

Alexander Lawrence. 2013. Your patient with SPD.

When Sean found out about the affair, I covered for you.

Nobody else ever knew. All the way through the divorce.

-She never should have told you about that.

-No, no, I...

I never would have.

We stick together.

Please.

[Groans]

-[Gasps]

[Gagging, groaning]

[Bones crack]

-Dr. Derby?

[Bones crack]

[Panting]

-Who the fuck are you?

-[Gasping, panting]

Where's my husband?

-I'm right here, I'm right here.

Are you okay?

-Is she all right, Mr. Derby?

-It'll be okay. She just had a little too much to drink.

-It seemed more like a seizure.

-Should we call the EMTs?

-No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

My husband and I were just celebrating our reconciliation.

-Yes, we were. Yes.

-If that's it, then we're sorry for the intrusion.

If you'd like to make a complaint against that 911 call.

-No, no, no. It's all right. It's all right.

-Well, if you're sure you're okay,

then you two have a good evening.

And pardon me, but I hope

we won't be seeing you a third time.

-I'll see you guys out.

[Door closes]

[Static crackles]

-So, Joe? -Yes?

-Professor Lynch? -Yes, yes.

-Have you ever wanted to be a woman?

-Yes. -Yeah?

-I mean, who's to say I haven't been a woman already?

-Did you storyboard the scene with the knife

and the belt around Edward's neck?

-Uh, not -- Yes, actually we did.

We did a lot of storyboards. -Were you Elizabeth or Edward?

-Uh. So, uh...

[ Laughter ]

Funny story about that.

Uh, I am not a good storyboard artist,

but I'm a fantastic tracer.

So my partner and I would --

I would be taking a lot of photos

and then trace over them for the storyboards

so that we can show them to the set,

you know, to the crew and everything.

So, uh, there were times

where she would be playing both parts, if you will.

-Oh, okay. -I guess, can I reveal that?

Yes, I can.

Um, so not necessarily me all the time.

It was, uh, sometimes it was woman on woman,

if you will, for some of those shots.

-And sometimes you were Elizabeth and Edward.

-And, yes, I was. Yes. My butt crack.

-All right. -Um, let's talk a little bit

about Lovecraft and Stuart Gordon

and where you fit in with this movie.

H.P. Lovecraft was one of the weirdest dudes who ever lived.

He was full of fear.

Everyone's always upset by his apparent feelings

of racial superiority which we know --

We know what that is, right?

It's feelings of insecurity and inferiority.

Um, and that's that's actually a big part of

how he created stories.

He imagined people that don't look like him,

and he makes those people scary and dangerous in his stories.

So, are you a Lovecraft fan? Let's start with that.

-100%. -Yeah.

And then Stuart Gordon.

I think Stuart Gordon created our modern concept

of what H.P. Lovecraft is.

So Stuart Gordon made "Re-Animator."

He made "From Beyond."

He made "Castle Freak", he made "Dagon."

Um, he did the Herbert West musical.

I mean, I think your pathologist in this movie was Herbert.

-Graham Skipper. -Graham skipper was the actor

who played Herbert West in the musical.

And, um, the guy who does the autopsy, right?

-Yeah. -And you got excited about this

movie because it was Stuart Gordon's writer,

Dennis Paoli, and the movie that Stuart Gordon never got to make.

So what part of this movie

did you make in the style of Stuart Gordon?

-Uh, well, aside from the fact

that we tethered this movie to "Re-Animator"

because we're using the same Miskatonic University,

it's the same exact one from "Re-Animator."

So they're technically

in Miskatonic University from "Re-Animator."

That gets alluded to and from beyond a little bit.

Same hallways, the same morgue.

We, uh, made the sets look like it was the same morgue area

from "Re-Animator", so from a stylistic standpoint,

we were going more production design.

But I find Stuart thematically is very resonant in this movie

more than stylistically.

Um, you know, he was one of those provocateurs

that I don't think we have enough of.

So choices like, um, you know, swapping the genders

that, to me, that felt like, what would Stuart do?

You know? -Okay.

-Like instead of it being more camerawork,

it was more thematics. -Okay.

Have you watched every Lovecraft movie?

-I feel like I have. -Okay.

Do you think there's any Lovecraft interpreter

who can approach Stuart Gordon?

Is there any other person that's ever,

ever hit the right notes in a Lovecraft movie other

than Stuart Gordon?

-Uh, I thought Dan O'Bannon did a really good job

with "The Resurrected."

-Okay. -That felt very close to it.

Chad Ferrin, there's a really great filmmaker, Chad Ferrin,

that I've known for years from my Troma days

that just put a Lovecraft film out.

Um, yeah.

I think Stuart and Dennis

kind of cracked the code on Lovecraft

in terms of what he was trying to go for.

-Well, Stuart was willing to let the actors

kind of go over the top.

What do you what do you say to people who think

that you went too far over the top with the acting?

-I usually say not enough. -Really?

-Well, this is not me. I love what you did here,

but you have a few unhappy horror hounds

on the web who say that --

-Oh, they're always unhappy.

-You amused them, but you didn't scare them because

the acting was done in an over the top way.

-Can I address them? -Yes, yes.

-Go fuck yourself and make your own fucking movie.

All right?

-Ready to go. -Would H.P. Lovecraft?

like the movie? -Absolutely not.

-[ Laughter ] -100% no.

-I'm sure he wouldn't because you switched genders.

He would not like that.

-Every time that we would have the camera swirling around,

I pictured Lovecraft spinning in his grave.

-Okay.

Um, is there any other Lovecraft story

you would want to do? -Oh, man.

Uh, I mean, Stuart, did, um,

"The Shadows Over Bismuth" in a way,

with "Dagon". -He did.

-I mean, because he was trying to make it for years,

and then that kind of fell through the cracks.

There was a script that was circulating for years,

like, that very script that he wanted to make.

And, um, it kind of fell apart.

So he ended up doing "Dagon",

which is like a more streamlined version of it,

or a smaller version of it. I would love to do his.

-The one everybody talks about

is "At the Mountains of Madness."

-That's del Toro's. That's sacred ground.

If there's anyone who's going to do it, it's Guillermo.

-Everyone's already given it to Guillermo del Toro?

-Just because I think if there's anybody

who's going to get that scope on that kind of budget,

like it's definitely del Toro.

-Dennis Paoli thinks it's too static.

He thinks it's not cinematic.

But I guess that's kind of what Guillermo del Toro does, though.

-Del Toro brings the cinematic.

-All right, Professor Lynch,

we are about to get into the batshit crazy portion

of the movie.

Is there anything you want to say for yourself

about the batshit crazy portion of the movie?

-Enjoy.

-[Chuckles] All right, roll the flick.

-Oh, oh, oh. I have to ask you this.

-Okay. -And you'll like

this question, Darcy -Okay.

-If you're doing a complete gender reversal,

of what we expect in horror,

-Okay. -...why didn't you go

full frontal with the two male actors?

-This was my one -- -It was discussed,

and I tried my hardest.

No pun.

Uh, they were just not up to the task.

-Okay, well, now -- -Plus, to be to be fair,

Judah Lewis has a huge cock, so.

And I would have had to shoot

a TikTok version for that effect.

Judah, I'm so sorry. I'm revealing too much.

-You're sorry about that? It's not bad.

-Now, Darcy has a pretty good definition

of the male version of female breast nudity.

In order to equalize the the way the sexes are treated on film.

Give us your definition.

-Okay. I just think the male equivalent

of a girl having to show her boobs is like a flaccid penis,

because then you're not judging it with fully erect,

but you still have that kind of like,

oh, I'm not supposed to be seeing that.

But if you see that said flaccid penis like running,

then you got this floppy elephant.

-So what? We've see elephant titties, too.

So like, just let us see stuff, make it equal.

Write that down. Yes. Flaccid penis.

-So I think Joe is agreeing with you.

Is he agreeing with you? No, he's not.

-I'm taking notes. -He already has a flaccid penis.

-Yeah, I do actually have -- yeah, see, flaccid penis.

-In out notes. -Watch this. Ready?

-Wow. -Okay.

-We have a whole different movie.

-Yeah, right. -This is NC-17.

This is rated R. -There you go.

-We do have examples of flaccid penis

full frontal in film history.

Uh, "Bone Tomahawk." -Boner tomahawk.

-"American Werewolf in London" has that.

-It does. -"Wake In Fright."

Have you seen that?

"Revenge" and "The Hole." Any of these ring a bell?

-All of these sound like porno titles.

-One of our female viewers

sent us her favorite full frontal horror scenes.

And those were her top five.

-No "Wild Things"? -Seen any of those?

-No "Wild Things"? -Yeah, the Kevin Bacon.

-Kevin Bacon.

-That was a quickie mistake, you know, mistake scene, right?

The "Wild Things."

-No, no, that's a dong scene.

That's exactly what I'm talking about, though.

-All right. -Exactly that.

-It was a mistake, and they said,

"Kevin, can we leave it in?" And he said okay.

-Yes. -Okay.

-He went for bacon. -All right, so,

free the nipple,

free the whorehouse and free the wing doodle.

-Yeah! -The limp wang doodle.

We have a lot we need to free in this country.

-True. -Or maybe I should say not

the limp wang doodle.

The wang doodle at rest.

-Yes. The resting doodle. -Yes.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

-Are you okay?

-Dandy.

-Do you remember our conversation?

-Let me guess. You're a doctor, too.

[Chuckles] What happened to keeping it

in the fucking kitchen?

-What about calling me?

-You know, if I don't know who you are,

how the fuck would I know your phone number?

-Are you familiar with an Elizabeth Derby?

-Her I know.

Quite the sociopath.

All that's missing is the apartment full of cats.

-Did she do this to you?

-What?

This?

Oh, we were just playing.

-This was a sex game.

-Why?

Are you interested in a round?

-All this was role play?

-Whatever happened was consensual.

No means no, and...

our safe word is "ow."

Now get the fuck out of my house.

-You just tell me where she is.

-I am sure that she's home.

With Eddie.

-Are you okay?

-Me? I was worried about you.

-I'm good. I'm good.

Whew.

-You're smoking? -Oh. You have no idea...

...how happy I am not to have to sneak them anymore.

You want to go again? I'm game if you are.

-What do you mean?

-What we did before the cops game.

-What did we do?

-[Chuckles] All right.

If you want to play games.

We can start out as strangers...

every time.

I want you to know.

I've never come like that before.

Ever.

I don't know what got into you.

But if you want...

you can cut me again.

I liked it.

What?

What's wrong?

-You've got to leave.

I want you to go to a place on Shelter Island.

-Why? -You can't be around me.

He can't know where you are.

-Who are you talking about?

-If he does it one more time, it's forever.

If I have to make you hate me, I will.

If I have to kill myself, I will.

I just -- I won't let him have you.

Just remember me.

Me.

-Doc?

♪

[Engine starts]

Elizabeth! Elizabeth!

No!

[Engine revs, tires squeal]

♪

♪

-There were horrors in that thing that I couldn't reach.

It's ironic how much you have to lose

before you realize how much you really have.

What it would mean to have my body taken from me

and how far I would go to keep it.

♪

♪

♪

-Careful, doc.

You wouldn't want to hurt yourself.

-I didn't think you'd get here so fast.

-I always know where you are now.

Besides, you're not that hard to find.

You have such a little life.

-What happened to Asa?

-Uh, here, there.

Who really knows.

If he's lucky,

he died in that old man's wretched body.

But there are worse places he could be.

Much worse.

What matters is that we're here, you and I.

-Who are you, really?

-You mean the body I was born in?

Oh, God, I...

I don't really remember.

I always assumed I was born a man.

I had a man's desire to satisfy myself.

To dominate.

Now...

Now, I'm not so sure that means I wasn't born a woman.

It's all semantics anyway.

These days, I just do it when I'm bored.

-Well, we're not just our passions.

We also connect with our minds.

-You're right.

And who doesn't love a good mind fuck?

Times have changed.

The future is female.

And so is mine.

-The minute you say the words,

the minute I feel you taking over my mind, I'll jump.

And then you can have my body as it falls to its death.

-Oh, you want to play?

I'm getting a little aroused here, doc.

Okay. How's about this?

You can live...

...if you can kill me.

I mean, really kill me.

Before I become you forever.

Then you can be with your husband.

And you can keep your little life.

[Gasps] Oh, no.

[Laughs]

Or...

you can choose the sure thing.

Death.

Who are you, really?

Are you everything you thought you would become

when you were born?

-How long have you been wandering like this?

Body to body.

Years?

Generations?

Centuries?

-Time is just a shadow to me.

-Don't you get tired of the endless changing.

Don't you get weary?

-Yes.

That's what makes you so... attractive.

You're something -- you're something new.

[Echoing] New flesh.

-Another and another.

New gets old.

No rest.

-No rest, no.

-Let your mind float free.

-Yes. Free

-Floating free.

Free.

[Grunts]

Ah!

[Speaking foreign language]

Come on!

-[Grunting]

-[Shouting indistinctly]

Ah!

[Screams]

[Screams]

Goodbye.

-[Gasps]

[Panting]

-[Gurgles] -[Gasps]

-[Groans]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Tires squeal]

Wait.

[Thud]

-[Groans]

[Panting]

[Engine revs, thuds]

[Breathing heavily]

[Engine revs]

[Grunts]

[Breathing heavily]

[Gasps]

-Chill out.

[Screams]

[Knife plunging]

[Siren wailing]

-[Screams]

-[Gasping, knife plunging]

-Dr. Derby! -Drop the knife!

Drop it! -No! No! No!

[Shouting indistinctly]

No!

I wasn't out of my mind.

And I'm not now. I didn't kill Asa Waite.

I was trying to kill that thing inside him.

The thing that's coming for me.

-You truly believe that's what happened?

-Yes, and I still don't think he's really dead.

-His body couldn't have survived that trauma.

-I don't care about the body. You have to destroy the brain.

[Static crackles]

-You have to destroy the brain.

So really, the movie is all about

how the body might stay the same,

but the brain can go pansexual at any time, right?

Is that the term? Pansexual?

Or try-sexual, as in I'll try anything.

-There, now you're catching on again.

-That's me. I taught him about the pansexual.

-He's learning. -Of course that's you.

-He's learning. Yes. -Is that you, too, Joe?

Try sexual? -I will try anything.

-Okay, so the brain has the capacity

to consider any kind of sex in any form.

And since the brain is controlled by a demon

with the supernatural ability to jump from body to body,

it's a brain that can have any kind of sex in any form.

And yet the movie is also about love,

because the Heather Graham character,

Elizabeth, decides that her love for Edward

is greater than her orgasms,

and so she's going to destroy this thing,

even if she has to destroy herself.

And is she trying to destroy Cthulhu?

Is that where this started?

-Sure. -If she's successful,

she'll destroy -- -Everything that you're saying

right now is way more thought put into the movie than...

-Oh, okay. -...who made the movie?

-Or maybe Cthulhu is indestructible.

That's always. -Yeah. Absolutely.

You can't kill a god.

-So, Joe, can we expect more extreme sex from you

in the future?

Have you started a genre called

the supernatural erotic thriller?

-Yes. I would love that.

All my agents, like, make that happen. Yeah.

-Maybe you've extended that genre

from the years of "From Beyond."

That's kind of a supernatural erotic thriller?

-Well, I mean, I think in the last couple of years,

things have gotten a little conservative.

And I think it's time to get things kinky and horny again.

-And "From Beyond", that was probably the sexiest role

of Barbara Crampton's career.

And here she is 37 years later,

encountering more weird supernatural sex.

And in fact, she's one of the key players in this

final sequence that we're about to watch.

-Fun fact -- there was going to be a point

where we were going to make, uh,

Katherine's character from "From Beyond"

be her character in "Suitable Flesh."

Unfortunately, due to rights,

I think it was like MGM owns the movie

and the rights and stuff like that.

They said, no, but it's not to say

that maybe her character might have changed her name

after the horrific events of "From Beyond",

and it maybe could be.

Maybe she's playing it like that.

-So this might be her character from "From Beyond."

Okay, Joe, thank you for being here.

Make the presentation.

-Presentation? Oh.

-It's sort of an inside joke, Joe. Sorry.

-But "Suitable Flesh" is sort of still making the rounds, right?

[ Laughter]

-You know, I was going to be --

I was trying to bury the hatchet with our fake Twitter feud.

-We can always show that episode of "Mayhem" again.

-Good -With my commentary on it.

All right.

-This is all your fault. You were the one who got it.

You slipped into my DMs the night before

and said, "So, Joe, we're going to be doing 'Mayhem.'"

-No, don't say that.

-No, no, it was him. It was all him.

-All right, Joe. -Bullshit.

This is bullshit. -Joe, "Suitable Flesh"

is still on the festival circuit, right?

-Yeah.

-Why did you change the title of --

The original title of this story was "The Thing on the Doorstep."

-Yeah, because that really rolls off the tongue.

-Why was "The Thing on the Doorstep"?

-Because there's no fucking doorstep in our goddamn movie,

Joe Bob! I mean, you did all the

research, you should have seen it.

-Joe, I hate your title.

"Suitable Flesh" is a terrible title.

Why not? -How dare you, sir?

-Why not "Demon Flesh"?

Why not "Demon Flesh" or "Devil Flesh"?

-Wow.

"Demon Flesh", "Devil Flesh"? "Suitable Flesh"?

-Because Suitable -- When you think about it,

maybe the demon wears the flesh like a suit.

-Okay, well, that's very high falutin.

-It's called arthouse. It's called. A24.

Elevated horror.

-Well, it's not an A24 movie. It's a Shudder movie.

Okay, well, I would never argue with a perversion, professor,

or I won't anymore.

So thanks for being here. Never come back, Joe.

Only kidding. All right.

You have any sexual education advice for us?

This is sex education night.

Do you have any sex education advice?

-Yeah. Don't have sex with Joe Bob.

-[ Laughter ] -Okay.

-All right, back to the movie.

What is -- tell us, tell us for real?

What is the kinkiest sexual thing you've ever done?

The one thing that when you think back on it, you go,

"Wow, I can't believe I did that."

I can't believe I did that.

-No, no, this is not for you. -Tell me for real.

-No, you have to tell everybody,

something you don't want anyone to ever know about.

But you're going to tell us anyway.

-You don't want anyone to know about it,

but you're making them say it on the show.

-Yeah, yeah. All right. -Have me back on.

-Have your secrets. -Yes.

-All right. -Keep your secrets.

-Darcy, we don't know want to know yours.

I know that.

-That's true. You don't. -They might be the same.

-What's that?

Same time.

-All right. -I knew it.

-We've gone too far.

-Yep.

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

-[Whistling]

-Oh, you are a fucking mess.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Don't want you to have to smell my pastrami breath.

[Whistling]

Okay.

-The brain.

I'll do what I can.

-[Sighs] Thank you.

-Through all kinds of weather.

-All right.

First incision in the sternum.

10 centimeters below the clavicle.

There is...

considerable trauma.

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-[Gasps] Holy shit!

-[Speaking indistinctly]

[Speaking foreign language]

-[Gasps]

-Beth!

-[Grunting] -Holy shit!

-[Gasping]

[Groans]

[Bones cracking]

Oh! Fuck!

-[Gasps]

-Oh, my God.

You okay?

-No. -[Gasps]

Oh, my God.

-[Grunts]

-Shit!

It's not dead! It's not dead!

It's not dead!

-What the hell are you talking about, man?

-[Groans]

-What the fuck?!

-[Panting]

-Beth, are you okay?

Beth?

-Where am I?

-Get me out.

Get me out

of this body.

-Am I the patient here?

-What do you mean?

-Nothing.

-You don't remember what happened?

-Wait.

Right. Right.

-Okay. I'm afraid you're in serious trouble, Beth.

You've killed someone. A patient.

-Oh, my. I clearly wasn't myself.

You know me.

-I thought I did.

-It sounds like a drug reaction.

-You said you weren't on drugs.

-Well, that sounds like something

a drug addict would say.

So how are you going to cure me, doc?

Maybe a deeper examination.

-[Gasps]

-I've only seen one other schizophrenic episode like this.

-Mm. -And your patient Asa Waite.

-Oh, I love it when you talk dirty.

-He went from hysterical claims of possession

to perfect composure.

-Hm. -Exactly as you just did.

-Oh, I did, didn't I?

-[Groans]

-What's my name? -What?

-What's my name? -Don't be ridiculous.

-What's my name?!

-Is this some kind of test?

-Yes, it is.

-Doctor! Doctor!

-What?! -It's...

You got to come now. You got to come now.

-Watch her.

-Hi, boys. -You got to come with me now.

It's over here, Dr. Upton.

-[Groans]

Help.

[Wheezing]

I'm Elizabeth.

-Oh!

Christ!

[Grunts]

Beth?

Code blue! Get in here! Hurry. Come on. Come on.

Let's go. Let's go.

-[Beeping] -No vitals. But she's alive.

-[Whirring] -She, doctor?

-Paddles! -400.

-Clear!

[Defibrillator pops]

-Again. -[Beeping]

Come on!

[Whirring]

Clear!

[Defibrillator pops]

Beth?

Beth?

♪

♪

-This is all a big mistake.

You know me, right?

I'll suck your cocks if you let me out.

-Go out and help them with the body.

Who are you?

-I'm Dr. Elizabeth Derby.

And you'll have a hell of a time convincing anyone otherwise.

-Maybe.

But I can keep you here.

Isolated, drugged.

-Mm.

-Imprisoned until you die.

-Do you really want that to happen to your friend?

-Elizabeth Derby was my friend.

And she's gone because of you.

-Well, all my friends are in hell.

So yours will have good company!

[Grunting]

Damn padded cell.

[Grunts]

[Groaning]

[Grunts]

-You bitch!

-[Speaking foreign language]

Come on!

-When I'm dead, let me stay dead.

-[Groans]

[Grunting]

-Dr. Upton?

[Grunting]

-[Groans]

-You are right, Dr. Upton?

-She tried to kill me. Shoot her.

-That's not Daniella Upton. I am.

I'm Daniella Upton.

-She's insane and dangerous. Shoot.

-Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Okay, hold on. -Oh, God damn it.

-Hold on, Doctor. Wait a minute.

-What the fuck?! -Give me the gun!

Get back. Get back.

-Don't do this, Dr. Derby. -Get the fuck back.

-Okay. Okay. -Get away.

-Okay. -Get away from her, Mace!

Get away! That is not Daniella Upton!

I'm Daniella Upton! -She's crazy!

-I know who I am!

-Okay. -Fucking bitch.

-I know who I am!

-[Gurgling]

[Speaking indistinctly]

Stick together.

-All kinds of weather.

[Gunshot]

Sorry.

[Gunshot]

-[Speaking foreign language]

-No! -[Speaking foreign language]

-Get out of the way! Stop! Get out of the way!

-[Shouting in foreign language]

-Aah!

-[Groans]

[Gasps]

[Sighs]

-Dr. Upton?

Dr. Upton?

-Whoa, whoa, wait. Hold on.

Give me the gun, Dr. Derby.

-[Gasps]

[Gunshot]

[Gun clicks]

[Clicks]

-[Gasps]

[Grunting]

[Grunting]

-[Laughing]

-[Grunts]

[Groans]

-Come on.

[Speaking foreign language]

♪

♪

-A lot of psychiatrists can't handle it.

The pressure of being responsible

for keeping the minds of so many other people together.

I always told Beth I thought she cared too much.

But I didn't know how bad her work-life balance had become.

That must have been very hard on you.

-I loved her so much.

It started to get better at the end there.

-I know.

And you should try to salvage the good from that.

-From the ashes?

[Sighs] Thank you for the coffee and your time.

I know that the two of you were like sisters.

-Which makes us family now, too. So please call me Dani.

-Okay, Dani.

-And you know you can come and see me any time.

Eddie.

I looked into her eyes before her mind completely passed.

And I know in those last few moments,

she understood who she really was.

We were more than sisters.

We were friends.

[Sighs]

♪

♪

[Coughs]

[Clatters]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Laughing]

♪

-I'm not here. I'm me.

I'm not supposed to be in here. I'm a doctor.

Do you hear me?! I'm me! I'm me!

I'm me! This isn't my life!

I'm me! I'm me! Help me!

Help me! Help me!

I didn't kill them! Help me!

Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

I'm me!

[Overlapping shouting]

♪

-♪ I need you like a doughnut needs a hole ♪

♪ Like pianos need fingers, heart, and soul ♪

♪ We go together like peanuts and a shell ♪

♪ I'm going to hold you in my arms like water in a well ♪

♪ And I love you like flowers love the sun ♪

♪ Like birds like to fly and kids like to run ♪

♪ Like trees love leaves and leaves turn round ♪

♪ Like rabbits in a meadow like to hop around ♪

♪ I need you like a doughnut needs a hole ♪

♪ Like pianos need fingers, heart, and soul ♪

♪ We go together like peanuts and a shell ♪

♪ I'm going to hold you in my arms like water in a well ♪

♪ When we are together side by side ♪

♪ It's like a roller coaster or a carousel ride ♪

♪ The clouds all lift just to sing with me ♪

♪ The oak trees dance along with the breeze ♪

♪ I need you like a doughnut needs a hole ♪

♪ Like pianos need fingers, heart, and soul ♪

♪ We go together like peanuts and a shell ♪

♪ I'm going to hold you in my arms like water in a well ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static crackles]

-Talk about your confused identities there at the end.

I kept losing track of whose brain is in whose body,

but it finally makes sense thanks

to the writing skills of Dennis Paoli.

And we talked about him a little bit when Joe was out here.

But Dennis Paoli was Stuart Gordon's roommate

when the two of them were students

at the University of Wisconsin.

And then they worked together

at the famous Organic Theater in Chicago.

So he started out writing stage plays for Stuart Gordon,

but ended up as the screenwriter on "Re-Animator",

"From Beyond", "The Pit and the Pendulum",

"Dagon", and "Castle Freak",

and he also wrote "The Dentist" for Brian Yuzna.

He collaborated with Larry Cohen on "Body Snatchers",

and he wrote several screenplays for Charles Band,

including the notorious "Ghoulies II".

-Whoo! Yeah! -Yeah!

-He also runs the Writing Center at Hunter College

in New York,

where he teaches Irish literature and Gothic fiction.

So, Darcy, what do you think? -I like the parts

where the men become women and women become men.

-And they like it.

-Yeah, they did. -All right.

-So do we have some mailbag? -We do.

We have emails and photos

from Sylvia Chapa of Texas City, Texas.

-You don't mean Chief Chapa?

Chief Chapa from Texas City? All right.

-She was very appreciative of the video that you did.

-Yeah, I did the retirement video to one of the very few,

if not the only, uh,

female police chief in the state of Texas.

So, um, let's see what Chief Sylvia has to say.

Good morning.

Um, my wife organized this video from you

and your special message for my retirement as chief of police

from College of the Mainland, and it really touched me.

I was proud to have served for so many years,

and even prouder to have led the department

where only a few women have become chiefs

in the state of Texas.

But Giselle and I, the beasts --

that's what they call themselves, the beasts.

Are proud members of the mutant family,

and I am looking forward to more time watching horror with

Joe Bob, Darcy, Ernie, and others.

It was perfect that my first official day of retirement

ended with a bottle of Dom Perignon

and a Joe Bob special.

I wanted to share a few photos.

And she sent photos of "my last week as chief."

And you looked at the photos, right?

And our celebration.

-Let me put them up while you're reading.

-We were partying like a jungle animal,

and I wanted to show off some of my retirement plans.

I'm going to be Joe Bobbing.

Thank you for your special congratulations message.

Looking forward to the new season.

Sylvia Chapa, chief, retired.

Um, which one is she referring to

when she says she's Joe Bobbing?

Do you know?

-I think it's the one with her wife Giselle on Galveston Beach.

-Yeah, it's this one -When she's on the beach?

-Yeah. -Oh, okay. All right.

Um, and Giselle has that Very Violent Valentine shirt on.

-Yeah. -And you'll appreciate this,

Darcy. You know where Texas City is?

It's right on the shoreline of Galveston Bay,

Houston ship channel.

And so they got lots of ducks and geese.

-Aw, I do appreciate that.

-Chief Chapa saved so many ducks and geese

in her career as police chief,

I guess the ducks and geese get in trouble

a lot from the pollution and the tides

and the big ships coming and going.

She saved so many of them

that she became known as the Duck Whisperer.

-That is amazing. Mutant Fam is so great.

-Yes, they are, and that's it for me tonight,

Joe Bob Briggs, speaking for myself and for

Darcy the Mail Girl, with this week's words to live by.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll spend hundreds of dollars

on equipment that he'll only use a few times a year.

[Laughter]

And the drive in will never die!

Has enough time passed I can tell a blonde joke?

For a while, they had a moratorium

on blonde jokes because they --

-I think you can go for it. -All right.

-Brunette walks into a sex shop

and asks the sales guy, "How much for that black dildo?"

The guy says 50 bucks.

So the brunette gives him $50, buys the black dildo.

Red head walks into the same sex shop and says,

"How much for that red dildo?"

The sales guy says, 100 bucks for that one.

Red head buys the red dildo, and she leaves very happy.

Blonde comes into the sex shop and says,

"How much for that silver dildo?"

The sales guy says, "Well, that one's really special,

but you can have it for 250 bucks."

Blonde hesitates for a minute,

but she forks over the 250 and she leaves very happy.

After a while, the store manager comes in

and he asks the sales guy, "How's business?"

The guys says, "Pretty good.

I sold a black dildo, a red dildo, and my coffee thermos."

[Laughter]

-Ooh.

I like it. A-plus.

[Laughter]

-♪ We are drive-in mutants

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale -♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.