Original subtitles

[Regimental music]

[Gordon] Right, number two again.

Yeah, number one.

Right, number three again.

We said this one wouldn't work, Mr. Brittas.

Right back row number one, front row number two.

[Audience laughing]

That's the one!

You know what that pose says to me?

We've been standing here for 1 hour 45 minutes?

No, it says we're a team, but we're also individuals.

We're cheerful, but we're also serious about our commitment

to you, the customer, who's entrusted to us

your safety and physical wellbeing,

during the time you're here

at whitbury new town leisure centre.

Right, I think we're ready to go.

[Audience laughing]

Da da da!

Oh, now you will make sure you get the sports field in

over there, we just had it specially mowed?

I've set it for a full 180 degrees, Mr. Brittas.

Right. [Clears throat]

-Smile pleasantly, Carole. -[Audience laughing]

I'll go through it again.

The camera will start to my left, that's your right,

it will then pan across, taking approximately 20 seconds

to reach the other side.

So please keep as still as possible.

[Julie gasps]

Julie, keep still!

The baby's kicking!

I'm keeping still for two here.

[Audience laughing]

-[Colin sniffs] -You all right, Colin?

They've cut the grass, Linda,

it's playing havoc with my rhinitis.

Ready?

Either that or I haven't quite recovered

from the bronchial catarrh last week.

We're rolling.

[Cameral whirring]

[Phone ringing]

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Sorry, mobile, means urgent.

Brittas.

Hello, my darling.

We're sitting for the photo right now.

Yes, I'll get plenty of copies.

Well, one to go above reception, of course,

one for each of the kids' scrapbooks,

and I thought one to go above the mantelpiece

instead of that picture by that Norwegian.

Well, I can't understand why it is your favourite, Helen,

it's just a picture of a lady

holding her head and screaming.

[Audience laughing]

Ready!

Right, better go now, my love.

Yes, I'd love to know what you got planned for today,

but call you back in five minutes.

Promise, bye!

Sorry about that!

[Audience laughing]

We're rolling.

[Camera whirring]

[Colin coughs]

[Audience laughing]

It is the catarrh, I thought as much.

Oh god!

You should have been wearing green like the rest of us.

It's an yves st Laurent!

Please, boys!

Yves st Laurent?

Deputy managers get an extra clothing allowance, you know.

Yes, all right, there's no need to ram it down my throat!

Look, it's no picnic being deputy manager, you know,

I have to shoulder a lot of extra responsibility.

The buck stops here.

Boys!

[Audience laughing]

Mr. Brittas, I'm gonna have to go and change the shirt.

Hurry up, Gavin!

And where do you think you're going, penny?

I'm going to turn a woman over on a sunbed.

[Mr. Brittas mimics penny]

-Mr. Brittas? -What?

I ought to go and check everything's all right

with the pirate party.

Curly wurlies!

What?

I've forgotten to put the curly wurlies

in the picnic bags!

Toilet!

Check Ben, Mr. Brittas.

Just get back as quickly as you can, please.

Haven't you got somewhere to go, Timothy?

Mr. Brittas, if I get the franchise for the canteen,

this will be my farewell photo.

I don't wanna miss that.

In fact, I'm quite happy to wait here all day.

That won't be necessary, Tim.

[Audience laughing]

[All clamouring]

Will you be quiet?

[Audience laughing]

The buck stops there.

[All clamouring]

When can we go back in the [stutters].

Pool, I think she's saying pool.

We weren't even allowed to get our [stutters].

Towels?

We hadn't even finished warming up yet!

Yes, and we've had one round of soggy sandwiches,

three balloons, the treasure island's got a puncture,

and now I've got 27 kids dripping wet

and going berserk in the corridor!

Well, I'm sorry, but until the center's properly staffed,

I can't--no, hang on!

I tell a lie, 24,

'cause when he turned up,

three jumped out of the pool

and locked themselves in the minibus.

Mind you, to be fair, two did ask for his autograph

'cause they thought they'd seen him

in "nightmare on elm street".

I want my [stutters].

Your mummy?

No, my [stutters].

No, no, no, sorry, she wants her money back!

-So do I! -[All clamouring]

I can't possible authorise a refund-

you're supposed to be the deputy manager, aren't you?

I'm not really deputy,

more sort of, trainee.

-[All groaning] -Or, on trial!

See Mr. Brittas, he'll sort everything out.

-No! -Yes!

[All clamouring]

Where's brittas? Get him here and we'll-

mini Mars bar, mini bounty,

slammer whammer, curly wurly.

Mini Mars bar-

think what it'll do to their teeth, Colin.

You'll have the parents up in arms.

It's all kids eat, Linda.

That and jellies.

They've hardly touched them.

Colin, this tastes rather odd.

Dessert topping, Linda.

It's carpet foam!

No, no, it can't possibly be carpet foam,

because I always put the carpet foam in the top shelf

of my locker after I've finished cleaning for the evening.

I thought those carpets smelt funny.

[Audience laughing]

Are we now ready?

[Staff] Yes.

We're rolling.

[Camera whirring]

[Audience laughing]

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

What now?

I can't just keep up this smiling, you know.

Look, we've lost the sun.

It's gone behind a cloud, Mr. Brittas.

We tend to get them in this country.

[Audience laughing]

Does it really matter that much, Mr. Brittas?

Gavin, once he presses that button,

we are captured for prosperity.

When, in years from now,

people are trawling through the archives

and they wipe the dust off

whitbury new town leisure centre, team 1996,

what is it to be?

A merely acceptable image taken in the dullish light?

Or the 10 of us bathed in glorious sunshine,

with the centre glinting in the background?

I think we all know the answer.

[Audience laughing]

It's clouding over, Mr. Brittas.

[Gordon groans]

Look, let's just adjourn to the centre,

and I'll keep a check on the weather reports.

I'm booked to go to tenerife a week on Tuesday.

[Audience laughing]

[All complaining]

[Gordon] Right, excuse me please-

-oh, here he is! -Excuse me, please,

excuse me, right, attention please!

All areas previously off limits

are now once more accessible.

[Customers cheer]

Except, that is, for the gym and the swimming pool.

[Customers groan]

Right, so swimmers may paddle in the foot wash.

[Audience laughing]

Aerobics may take place by the salad bar,

and the pirate party can take place in squash court three.

[All complaining]

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Wet feet, wet feet, wet feet!

Carole, flip flops all around, please.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

That's two pound 50,

and five pound deposit per pair, thank you.

[Audience laughing]

Why didn't we just close the centre for the morning?

Why is watford gap nowhere near watford?

Why do we get fluff in our belly buttons?

Mr. Brittas?

You know you've got that man from the English heritage

waiting upstairs.

Yes.

And they're still waiting to demolish

the old air raid shelter.

-Yes. -Mr. Brittas,

I wonder, do you think it might be an idea

to postpone the photograph until tomorrow morning?

Gavin, have you been to safeways recently?

There is a giant display of pineapple chunk cans there.

Take one can from the middle of the pile, and what happens?

You get beaten up by the store detectives.

[Audience laughing]

The whole display collapses, Timothy.

I see.

See this diary?

If we postpone the photograph 'til tomorrow,

what happens is we have to move the air conditioning service

to the afternoon, which means you have to postpone

the argos whitbury branch squash semifinal draw

to the following day

which has serious knock on implications

for the locker security review,

the southern counties leisure centres association

logo shortlist discussion,

and dawn Dipper's enrollment session too.

But the afternoon's completely free,

what about then?

Whoo, no it's not, Timothy.

It's a free afternoon session.

[Audience laughing]

We have to keep one afternoon free a month

to get our breath back.

[Gordon pants]

If you'll excuse me.

[Bell dings]

Oh, welcome to whitbury new town leisure centre,

how--may I help you? Yes.

Well, you can start by looking after that and this,

it's got my spare films in.

That'll two pounds.

What?

Storage fee, don't worry, you'll get it back.

What, the two pounds?

No, the bag.

[Audience laughing]

Oh, Mr. Mendip!

-No! -Please!

-No! -Ben loves parties!

I remember last year, Mrs. Parkinson.

He had such a good time.

He got hold of the flymo.

He was just a little high-spirited!

I used to do punch and Judy shows, you know.

[Audience laughing]

Blimmin' kids!

Hey, wait!

-What? -You can't do it yet.

Look, this demolition was booked for 10:30.

We've been wired up ready for the last hour.

I can't leave it like this, I gotta make it safe.

Ah, well Mr. Brittas wants his photo with all the staff.

But I saw you all go back in.

Yeah, but we'll all be coming out again

as soon as the sun comes out.

Mr. Brittas wants the light to be just right.

It's only a photo, not "Lawrence of Arabia".

[Audience laughing]

Hey, it's not going to be a right big bang, is it?

I don't wanna give birth.

No, it's muffled, it's just four concrete walls.

They'll implode.

As long as there is nothing inside,

there won't be any debris either.

Wonder how many seven year olds you could fit in there.

[Workman laughs]

Sorry about that Mr. Humphries.

["Fur Elise"]

I said sorry about that, Mr. Humphries!

[Audience laughing]

You now have my undivided attention, sir.

Yes, well, if you're sure.

[Buzzer rings]

Yes, Julie?

I've got you the met office.

Thank you, Julie.

With you in a micro sec.

Hello, Gordon brittas, whitbury new town leisure centre.

Oh, you've heard of us, have you?

Yes, well you see, we've reached a bit of a cloudy spell

at the moment, I was wondering if you could confirm

when we can next expect a gap of sunshine

of at least 10 clear minutes.

I'd have thought it was pretty easy, actually.

At the moment we have bands of cumulostratus

usually indicative of a fast-moving weather front,

all you've got to do is cross-reference

our map position, 51, 35 north, 2 west,

with your latest satellite map,

and then measure the wind speed

and Bob's your uncle, all right?

Bye, bye!

[Audience laughing]

Right, where were we, Mr. Humphries?

Now, you've made an application to our office

for your centre to be registered-

-[alarm blares] -[Mr. Humphries groans]

It's all right, Mr. Humphries,

it's only our regular Wednesday morning fire alarm test.

You are very jumpy, aren't you?

What I recommend to you,

is our health spa De-stress programme,

tailor-made for people like yourself

who suffer from premature ageing.

[Audience laughing]

Look, I am fine.

It's just sudden noises.

I just spent three months on the isle of iona

supervising the underpinning of the monastery.

I still haven't got re-acclimatized.

-[Phone ringing] -[Mr. Humphries groans]

Oh, do excuse me.

Hello, my darling.

It's gonna have to be quick, I'm afraid.

Really? I'm very proud, Helen.

Very, very proud indeed.

Now you be careful,

you've not done this sort of exercise before.

I've got a message from the met office for you.

All right, thanks Julie.

Now, my darling,

what I suggest you do is some warmup exercises,

'cause you're going to put a lot of pressure on your femur.

What I suggest is 10 groin squeezes.

What is it, Julie?

Right, well, they said the next sunny interval

will be at 11:35 and last 12 and a half minutes.

There will then be a short shower

which should just clear the Ford Sierra

at the east end of the car park.

Excellent, Julie!

I think they were being facetious, Mr. Brittas.

Gotta go now, my darling, yes,

I'm behind you 110% of the way.

All right, bye! [Laughs]

[Audience laughing]

Mr. Humphries, how many men

can boast of a wife who, at the age of 40,

decides to take up jumping?

[Audience laughing]

Thank you.

Are you feeling better, Mrs. Brittas?

Armitage shanks.

Pardon?

Toilet bowls, they're always armitage shanks, aren't they?

No, I tell a lie, I saw an ideal standard

just after breakfast.

[Audience laughing]

[Ben crying]

Don't cry, Ben, I'm sure there might be a party bag

at the end of the day.

Can we have some more balloons up there, please?

Yes, of course, Mr. Mendip.

I'm very sorry I tried to get Ben invited to your party,

it was very pushy of me,

especially when you'd got all the numbers worked out.

[Ben crying]

They've just got to learn, haven't they?

A good dose of sitting all alone,

listening to all the happy, laughing voices.

I think a child lucky enough to get a headstart

in paranoia and insecurity-

all right, all right.

Let him come.

Oh, Ben, you shall go to the party!

That's if it's all right, Mr. Mendip,

ooh, Ben, stop that!

Put that sword away, not now!

Now, if you could just do this, push the button here.

Now, Ben's right side is his best,

and he usually prefers the last present in pass the parcel,

if that's all right, Mr. Mendip.

Now--[phone rings]

Hold on.

[Mr. Humphries groans]

[Mobile rings]

[Mr. Humphries groans]

[Buzzer rings]

[Mr. Humphries groans]

He's busy!

[Audience laughing]

Mr. Humphries.

I am not stressed!

[Audience laughing]

Now, you've made application to us

at English heritage for your leisure centre to be registered

as a grade one listed building.

Mr. Brittas, this status is usually conferred on buildings

of a distinguished architectural and historical nature-

precisely, which is why we have a duty

to ensure that in a hundred years from now,

whitbury new town leisure centre is still standing,

proud and erect, a monument

to the great golden age of publicly available

sport and leisure facilities with ample parking.

[Audience laughing]

[Air whistling]

Oh my god!

[Audience laughing]

1,000, 2,000, 3,000, canopy, toggles.

Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Oh yes, my therapist said the only way

you can really reenergize your life

is to confront your own mortality.

You think of your own worst nightmare, your worst phobia,

submit yourself to it, conquer it,

and you should come out of it purged

of all your self-negative feelings.

I don't have any phobias.

Confined spaces, open spaces,

drownings, electrocutions, being buried alive,

never really bothered me.

I mean, when you're married to Gordon

you get quite used to them all, really.

[Audience laughing]

Then I thought, heights.

[Mrs. Brittas groans]

[Pilot] Five minutes!

Ever since our honeymoon.

Two weeks for the price of one at the holiday inn, croydon.

[Audience laughing] Gordon said he wanted to go there

so he could see the diving board

at the crystal palace sports centre.

Apparently, it's the highest in the country.

There we were, right at the top.

Gordon saying you've just got to admire

the cantilever tip-up seating system

and the digital Lane timers,

when suddenly, he slipped.

I think it was his hush puppies.

And I just froze.

I can see it now, standing at the top, peering over,

Gordon hurtling through space,

those synchronised swimmers small as dots below-

-down the corridor! -[Mrs. Brittas retches]

Second on the right!

[Mrs. Brittas] I know!

We'll aim for the field next to the racecourse.

That Mrs. Brittas?

Isn't she the wife of-

yeah.

Wasn't he the one who-

yeah.

My lord, what he did was-

I know.

It was ve day celebrations, damn it!

I know!

Have you seen the state of the swimming pool?

I mean, there's food in it, wrappers, bits of donut,

one child hasn't even bothered to use the toilet.

Oh, don't, you're making me all nostalgic

for Blackpool beach.

[Audience laughing]

Gavin, there's been another accident in the pool.

Well, several actually,

and I think it's something the kids have eaten.

Why do you think that?

I spent all last Saturday making these sandwiches!

[Audience laughing]

-What a waste! -I see what you mean.

Still, never mind, we can scrape off the Marge,

take out the ham, cling film it all again 'til next time.

[Audience laughing]

Well, it'll have to be cleaned up,

we've got those natural childbirth semifinals

coming in later on, Tim, could you-

when I'm in charge of the canteen,

I will never have to do this sort of thing again.

Yes, so as a final gesture,

if you could just run over the surface with net and skimmer,

I'll--yes?

Well, do the liaising with Mr. Brittas, you know,

keep him updated with progress reports and stuff.

Gavin.

Yes, Mr. Brittas?

At this precise moment,

a Mr. Humphries of English heritage

is touring our centre with a view to recommending

that it be preserved as one of the nation's jewels,

alongside stonehenge, westminster Abbey,

and brockenhurst volleyball centre.

[Audience laughing]

Wouldn't it be a pity if his impressions were coloured

by the rubbish bags outside the emergency exit?

Yes. Mr. Brittas.

Yes.

Don't even think about it.

[Audience laughing]

Ugh, oh no, that's my best Paul Smith!

All right, Gavin?

Oh, Linda, Linda, couldn't give us a hand, could you?

Mr. Brittas wants these hidden away

from the English heritage inspector.

I thought we'd just put them in there for now.

-All right? -Okay.

[Gavin] Great.

Oi, I thought I was lending a hand.

Yes, I just thought I'd tell Mr. Brittas-

yes?

That you're lending a hand.

Otherwise he might wonder where you are, that sort of thing.

Staff liaison.

[Audience laughing]

Oh, what a mess!

Well, that's kids.

Vasectomies, they're so easy.

[Audience laughing]

Well, we'll have to drain the pool.

[Colin] No need to drain the pool!

Where did you get that equipment from?

[Audience laughing]

Well, it can't be whitbury scuba club,

they haven't been back since we covered the pool

for the night and they were still in there.

It's amazing what you can pick up

at a car boot sale nowadays.

I've just found this spare tank of air.

Now, we'll use the skimmer

for the liquid stuff on the surface,

and any stubborn bits or stuff that's stuck in the filter,

I'll pick up by hand into my underwater scooper.

Should be done in a jiffy, if you could just give me a hand.

[Water splashing]

I should be about 20 minutes, Tim.

What if we need to get hold of you?

Ah, divers have a special language, Tim, now.

This means, okay,

I have a problem.

I'm drowning?

I'm low on air.

What about, the sun's out,

and if we don't get the photo done in the next five minutes

the photographer will have a nervous breakdown?

Colin, one problem.

I won't be underwater with you.

You're right, Tim.

I hadn't thought about that.

Hey Tim, I can't miss that photograph.

I've promised three copies to me auntie Hetty in tasmania,

then there's my step-niece-

-oh, charlene! -Here, tie this on here.

And then, if we need to get hold of you

I'll just give you a yank.

Better make it three yanks, just to be sure.

1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000, 5,000.

You open at 3,000, Mrs. Brittas.

8,000, 9,000-

Mrs. Brittas, you've hit the ground!

What?

[Audience laughing]

Oh my god, I froze!

What if that happens when I jump?

You're on a static line, Mrs. Brittas,

if that fails, you've got a back-up chute.

Well, what if I lose it?

It's attached to your shoulder.

But what if I get attacked by a flock of starlings

and they peck it off me?

-[Audience laughing] -Mrs. Brittas-

there's so many things that could go wrong,

I don't think I can go through with it.

But you've come through with flying colours, so far.

The fitness training, the rehearsal jump,

filling in the supplementary life insurance form-

what?

Just a joke, Mrs. Brittas,

to put you at your ease.

Now, it's all very straightforward.

We're gonna let you out just five miles west of whitbury,

and you should hit, sorry!

Land in a large open field there.

I think I'm making a terrible mistake.

What do I do?

What would your husband want you to do?

Gordon, that's right!

I'll ask Gordon, where's my mobile?

Oh no, I think I'm gonna, it's the turbulence,

how high, don't look out of the window!

Don't look out of the window.

We haven't left the ground yet, Mrs. Brittas.

Oh, Humphrey?

These are the original sliding doors.

Mr. Brittas, the deadline for application is today

if you want to make the new register, so I must get on.

Well, you don't have much time

to stand around here talking, do you?

[Audience laughing]

Look, madam, we've got other jobs to go to.

Tell your guv'ner we either do it now,

or we've gotta come back another day.

All right, I'll go and see Mr. Brittas.

[Phone dialling]

Right, the man downstairs says, can he go ahead now?

Otherwise he'll have to come back later.

I've already told him to get on with it, Julie,

as quickly as possible, please.

Right.

Oh, and can you tell him to make a note?

We've got three disabled toilets

and can handle teas up to a hundred people.

Right.

Can you collect your son, please?

Why, is the party over already?

He had a screaming fit,

so I let him have the big present

at the end of pass the parcel.

He carried on screaming,

so I rigged musical chairs for him.

I let him have the first prize in the pirate fancy dress,

and the second, and third, and the consolation prize.

Finally, he took three girls hostage in the racquet locker

and he said he wouldn't release them

until he'd been given all the party bags,

which he's now eating.

Party bags?

Yes, all 27 of them!

[Audience laughing]

You're letting him eat 27 party bags?

Have you any idea what that will do to his teeth?

[Mr. Mendip grunts]

[Audience laughing]

Sun!

[Audience laughing]

You don't look very well, you've gone very green,

and shall I rub your tummy, make it feel better?

[Linda] Sun's out!

What?

Sun's out, I'll get Mr. Brittas.

Oh, right, darling, mummy's got to go away for a minute,

oh no, don't be sick, Ben!

I'll get a bucket.

[Audience laughing]

[Ben whines]

[Ben retches]

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas, it is a fairly attractive design,

but we are only listing buildings

that have specific historical interest.

However, behind your building,

I noticed an original powkerby jepson

concrete air-raid shelter.

One of only two remaining in existence.

Not only do I recommend it for grade one status,

but to alter it in any way would be an infringement

of the town and country planning act 1970.

Helen?

[Linda knocks]

Sun's out!

What?

Gotta dash, my darling!

-What? -Not you, humph.

[Audience laughing]

What happened to that blimmin' gas canister?

Well, it was here before.

Sun's out!

Ooh.

[Audience laughing]

Colin, Colin!

[Bubbles whoosh]

[Audience laughing]

[Water splashes]

[Colin gurgling]

Oh god!

Ladies and gentlemen, all areas of main reception

are off-limits again,

customers are welcome, of course, to gather in reception

and avail themselves of facilities therein,

thank you, bye.

What facilities?

Well, there's the vending machines,

a view of the car park, a lovely floor to walk on.

Mr. Brittas, Mr. Brittas, Mr. Brittas,

come quickly, it's Colin!

Excuse me on second, please.

What's wrong with him?

[Tim] He's just come-

can I have, ah!

[Audience groaning]

[Colin gibbering]

He's come up too quick, he's got the bends.

Linda, get an ambulance.

Please, Mr. Brittas, I'll be all right.

Don't let me miss the photo!

Stay calm, Colin, we've got to get you to hospital.

But Mr. Brittas-

you've got to go to a decompression chamber.

I'll miss the photo, I'm gonna miss the photo!

Ambulance will be here next Wednesday.

What?

I got that switchboard operator

you keep timing with your stopwatch.

Please, Mr. Brittas, let me be in the photo!

I have an idea.

[Audience laughing]

Well, I think it's rather flattering.

Oh, Mr. Brittas, Mr. Humphries could take Colin!

We could just slide him in.

Right, as quickly as possible, please.

[Colin] I wanna be in the photo!

We will, of course, refund your petrol,

providing you supply me with a receipt

and a note of the mileage at the start

and at the end of your journey, all right?

[Mobile ringing]

Gordon!

My darling?

Mr. Brittas, the photographer says we've got to hurry up.

There's more cloud coming.

Gordon, this is the stupidest thing I've ever done,

I mean, we're at 8,000 feet now, and I think-

what was that, my darling? I can hardly hear you.

Could you wait, Mr. Brittas, just let to me-

[audience laughing]

We've gotta go now, while there's a gap in the clouds!

It's now or never.

[Audience laughing]

Jesus Christ!

She didn't wait for the signal!

We haven't even cleared whitbury!

[Audience laughing]

-Ah! -Do we have a problem?

Yes, it's my bag, my spare films.

It's only a bit of vomit.

[Audience laughing]

You spend your life nursing,

cherishing your precious equipment,

keeping it under lock and key, and now this!

Well, that's your photo knocked on the head.

Pardon?

No spare films now.

Haven't you still got some film in the camera?

Yes.

Well, we're ready.

We've been here since nine!

We've had phones ringing, hay fever, morning sickness!

You've swapped more positions than the "Kama Sutra"!

I am down to my last exposure.

What on earth makes you think we're going to get it

in one now?

D'you know what's missing from your life?

Hmm?

Optimism!

[Audience laughing]

[Engine starting]

Ready?

[Audience laughing]

[Camera whirring]

-[Explosion booms] -[Staff scream]

[Rubbish clatters]

[Audience laughing]

[Staff screaming]

I'd be lying if I said I was entirely happy with that one.

[Regimental music]

[Audience applauding]

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