Original subtitles

[Dramatic music]

[Man whistles]

Hello, lady.

Mr. Brittas.

Pretty lady.

I am always being telled that English ladies are top dog

and it is true.

Hello, baby doll.

What are you wearing, Mr. Brittas?

I like you very much.

You're bigger and better.

More room for beauty, eh?

But too many clothes, you know?

Why are you talking like that, Mr. Brittas?

No British. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I no speak English good, you know, I ruthenian.

Ruthenian state circus, you come tonight,

be my special guest.

We make music together. You musical?

Musical? Yes, I used to play a little,

but I've forgotten it all now.

People tell me I have a very good ear.

You have one good ear,

two good ear, both good ears best.

You musical all over and I love you.

-[Carol yells] -[Carol] Oh, Mr. Brittas.

Julie, memo number 27.

Tell Carol she's late for work

and not to talk to strange men in the streets.

You go practise your music.

You come afterwards, ask for me.

Round the back, together we make music. [Growls]

Round the back of what, Mr. Brittas.

Igor!

[Vlad speaking in foreign language]

Excuse me, sir.

If you've come for a swim,

I should point out that it's over 65s only all morning

and under fives only all afternoon,

but do come back tomorrow.

Timothy, do you want to take over at reception from Carol.

No, yes, what.

While she's canoodling with strange men in the streets,

I should point out to you,

reception standing order number 22b,

the receptionist is to be awake at all times.

I was just thinking with my eyes closed, Mr. Brittas.

22c with her eyes open.

Mr. Brittas, these gentlemen are from the-

we represent the first national church of chattanooga.

Do I have the pleasure of speaking to Mr. Gordon brightass?

I already take the reader's digest, thank you very much.

Good morning.

Our visit on this occasion

is not in connection with that organ.

Mr. Brightass, according to this man of the year cover story

in time magazine, you were, for a short time,

clinically and officially dead.

Oh yes, he was.

He was crushed flat by a falling water tank right here

and then, when we were trying to Bury him,

we heard this knocking on the...

Thank you, Timothy.

I am first and foremost, however,

manager of this very busy leisure centre

and for that reason, I've turned down all interviews.

Good morning.

This is no interview, sir.

Since you have been born again,

we wish to complete the process by baptising you again,

by complete immersion personally in your own pool

with music provided by our choir.

Mr. Chattanooga, please!

A leisure centre manager has to be above mere religion.

I have all sorts of faiths coming in through these doors

and I have to be impartial.

I said no to circumcision and I have to say no to you.

[Indistinct]

But Mr. Brightass...

Right, first things first.

Gavin, what have I got on my hand?

Is this a conjuring trick, Mr. Brittas?

Lowest form of wit, Gavin.

It's for juggling, isn't it?

Precisely, Mrs. Bidmead,

and what is the word we're remembering all this week?

Beans?

No, the word we're remembering is merchandising, Gavin.

Why remember beans?

It's a bean bag, isn't it, Mr. Brittas, for juggling with?

Exactly, juggling, and what is special about today?

It's Thursday.

Gavin, are you due for a holiday?

I just had one, Mr. Brittas, in skiathos with Tim.

Too many late nights, too many girls.

You're both looking tired.

Today is the day we've got a juggler and unicyclist

from the ruthenian state circus coming in.

Exactly, Penelope. Sharp as a tack.

Excuse me, Mr. Brittas, have you heard anything

about this ruthenian state circus?

Apparently, they're terrible.

There's only three of them.

They just keep coming on in different moustaches.

They're from eastern Europe, Gavin.

Our job, as European community members,

is to extend the hand of friendship.

Yeah, but Mr. Brittas,

they've still got performing animals.

They've got some sort of bear

that they make wear a silly hat

and ride around on a tricycle.

Gavin, the person coming here is a unicyclist

and a juggler and he's gonna be doing demonstrations

in the sports hall

and you are gonna be selling starter juggling kits

to all our customers. All right?

There's 2,000 of them. I want them all sold.

But there aren't 2,000 kids in town, Mr. Brittas.

Defeatism, Gavin.

Juggling is for all ages

and unicycling is recommended to older people.

What do I do when they fall off?

Gavin, you put them back on again.

No gain without pain.

What's that smell?

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Brittas.

It was the swimming pool.

A build-up of corn plasters in the filter.

I don't need the evidence on my desk, Colin.

Now, we're talking about merchandising.

You wanted ideas, Mr. Brittas, and I've got one.

We sell this in reception,

old mother weatherby's herbal tonic.

It's made from stinking hot weed,

stinking puffball, stinking cress, and mimosa malodorada.

What's that?

Stinking mimosa.

Colin, this is a leisure centre,

not old mother weatherby's kitchen.

But Mr. Brittas, this is a genuine herbal remedy.

I'm a living advertisement for it.

Look at my nose.

It's bright red, Colin.

Exactly. This tonic draws all the poisons up

into one place, you see, where they swell and swell,

and then one day the pressure just gets so great

the whole thing just-

yes, all right, thank you, Colin.

Gavin, I want you to try this lot down to the pool please

and set up an attractive display by the water's edge.

Great. Now I'm a beanbag salesman.

And don't grind your teeth. Penny.

Mr. Brittas, that little wart thing

on the side of your face,

you can get those taken off you know.

Only if we can sell them to the public, penny. [Laughs]

Right, good meeting, everyone.

Colin, you're still here.

But Mr. Brittas, my tonic.

I've been fine tuning it all week.

I've been putting frogs in, taking frogs out.

Colin, the public do not want anything

that frogs have been in.

But Mr. Brittas, I've made 20 gallons of it.

It goes off in a week.

Get rid of it please

and put something modern on that nose.

People swear by my tonic.

Not in this leisure centre they don't.

-Close the door please. -[Door slamming]

Julie.

[Julie] I'm doing the crossword.

Julie, I want you to get Linda.

I want you to tell her that, although I'm very busy,

I've got a small window.

[Julie] I'd Chuck myself out of it if I were you.

Julie, just tell her that if she wants to see me,

now is the time.

[Julie] She's here.

Oh, Linda, please come in.

My door is always open.

Take a seat, will you.

Now what's the trouble? You've got one minute.

It's about this merchandising idea

that you wanted us to have.

Excellent, Linda.

Pitch it.

What?

Pitch it to me. Tell me what it is.

Oh, well, it's these, Mr. Brittas.

Drawings to sell in reception as souvenirs.

Who's this, Linda?

It's Edward, my boyfriend.

I did them in life class.

Linda, this is a drawing of a 70-year-old wrinkly old man.

Don't you like them?

But you said the body was a temple.

You said it was beautiful.

Pardon?

Last night, you said I was beautiful.

I said what?

In the supermarket.

You were sweet. You had your boots on.

You put your arms around me

and told me, in that funny accent,

that I was the most beautiful lady.

What supermarket?

I was by the frozen peas and you came up and tickled me.

Linda, I did not go shopping last night.

I was at home emptying my turn-ups

and tickling staff is not part of my remit.

Oh, you did it very nicely.

Linda, do you realise,

accusing me of doing something I didn't do,

at a place I didn't go to, amounts to harassment?

Harassment? Who was arresting who?

I didn't tickle you.

And nor will you while I'm about.

Well, that's very nice.

All right, if you don't want me to help, I won't,

and I'm not coming round the back

to make music tonight either.

You can make music on your own.

Julie, when did Linda last have a holiday?

[Violin squeaking]

Oh, do be quiet, Ben, you'll disturb people.

Carol, can I borrow a marker pen?

Yes, borrow one of Ben's felt tips,

I'm sure he won't mind.

[Ben] Oh no, you're not doing that.

You'll get it back.

What's this thing?

It's a bust of Beethoven.

Oh great, we're selling busts of Beethoven are we now?

I mean, I don't mind goggles, I don't mind flippers,

I don't even mind Kendall mint cake,

but what the hell's Beethoven got to do

with a leisure centre?

It's just merchandising gone mad.

It's not merchandising, it's mine.

Oh.

To inspire me, like Mr. Brittas.

This morning, he told me to make music.

So I'm learning lots of new instruments,

starting with the violin.

-[Violin squeaking] -Oh yes, nice.

Thanks for the pen.

Did you know you could get a nip

taken out of your buttocks to give them definition?

I don't want a nip taken out of my buttocks.

It only costs 200 pounds.

I've only got 100 pounds.

Mind if I walk around lopsided?

Doesn't want me. He doesn't want my tonic.

-Well, I don't want him! -[Door slams]

[Sighs] What?

What, Tim.

Oh, I'm sorry, Colin.

Carol's back in reception

so I came down here for a bit of a kip.

I've been out all night with my catering.

You won't tell brittas, will you?

I'm not talking to him.

He'd never believe how popular catering was.

We've got loads of bookings.

It might come to the point where I have to give this job up.

I'm thinking of giving it up altogether.

What do you mean, stop unblocking things?

He's really my back up this time, Tim.

These herbs are a living repository of ancient knowledge.

He thinks they're rubbish.

Well, Colin, there was that time he had athlete's foot.

You gave him some stuff

and all his hair started falling out.

That was a labelling error, Timothy.

I'm gonna prove he's wrong.

I'm gonna prove that this is what the public wants.

I'm going to give away free samples at reception.

I'm going to fill all these little bottles.

[Tim yawns]

You could do with some of this yourself, you know.

Pick you up.

Pass me that funnel.

You're not gonna pour it straight down my throat, are you?

I'm going to fill these.

Ah, here, that's for you.

Chuck it down.

Oh, well, I'm supposed to be at the deep end.

I'll take it with me. Perhaps I'll Chuck it down later.

At your convenience.

Very probably.

[Violin playing soulfully]

Morning, Carol.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Brittas.

Aren't I musical?

Are you?

Well, Mr. Brittas said so.

He's inspired me.

I'm working my way through the whole orchestra.

Carol. The romance has gone out of our marriage.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Brittas.

Does Mr. Brittas know?

Have you seen this?

"Is the excitement still in your bedtime?"

I only scored 22% and I was cheating.

Look, "score 20 to 30, brrr, frigid.

Your bed must be like Greenland, missus.

Do something before you ice over."

Well, you've no need to worry about Mr. Brittas today.

He wasn't at all frigid when I saw him this morning.

In fact, he approached me.

He approached you?

Yes, from behind a tree.

He told me to make music

and he was so funny and persuasive, I have.

Oh, Mrs. Bidmead, Mrs. Nugent has cancelled the sauna.

-Thank you. -Pleasure.

-Hello, Mrs. Brittas. -Hello.

I hope you don't mind me saying,

but you're looking slightly baggy under the eyes.

Well, of course I am.

You try being alluring and exciting

with three children and a household to run.

Four children, Mrs. Brittas

four, yes. It's even worse than I thought.

You can get your under-eyes dredged, you know?

Dredged?

Why don't you come and have a jacuzzi?

You've been looking very drawn recently.

Drawn?

Eternal vigilance, Timothy.

[Tim] Yes, yes, Mr. Brittas.

Gavin, how many sold?

None yet, Mr. Brittas, there's a bit of a problem.

Well, have you attracted people's attention?

Have you juggled?

Well, I can't juggle, Mr. Brittas, and these beanbags...

[Mr. Brittas whistling]

All out!

Please leave the pool immediately by the ladder to my right.

Proceed to the changing rooms via this table,

where juggling kits are available from our attendant.

Come on, at the double, please.

See Gavin, salesmanship.

They won't want them, Mr. Brittas.

There's only two beanbags in each kit.

There ought to be three.

If you do it with two, well, that's not juggling.

Gavin, it's a marketing opportunity.

Give away one packet free with every packet bought, simple.

But we'll lose money and then they'll have four beanbags.

Then charge twice as much, Gavin. [Indistinct]

They haven't got any money with them, Mr. Brittas.

What am I supposed to do,

send them out one by one to get their clothes?

Not clothes, Gavin, wallets.

And you could get the cellulite removed.

Isn't cellulite what they insulate ceilings with?

Perhaps they do when they've taken it out.

Oh, and I noticed your ears aren't the same.

You can get them balanced surgically.

I thought I was basically all right.

Well, basically, yes.

Gordon's never complained.

Mind you, in the last few weeks, he's barely noticed me.

Yes, but some of that time he was dead, wasn't he?

Yeah, we're not counting when he was dead,

and I was in a padded cell, anyway.

But now he's back, he just doesn't seem interested.

Do you think he could have left his libido

on the other side?

You'll have to find a way of interesting him.

Do you play games?

Oh no, I can't bear Gordon and games.

He's so competitive.

He even has to win at French cricket with the boys.

No. Dressing up, pretending to be someone else.

People do it. They say it's good for marriages.

We went to a vicar and tarts party once.

I went as the vicar and he went as a bakewell tart.

The dog was all over him.

No, not for fancy dress parties.

Round the house, every day.

Do you know, there are a lot of people here in whitbury

doing the chores dressed up as Dorothy and the wizard of oz.

Dorothy? I suppose I could give it a try.

But what's Gordon gonna be? Toto?

Well, I think it doesn't have to be from the same thing.

He could be Indiana Jones.

Do you know, he can look a bit like Harrison Ford,

when I'm on the right pills.

[Trombone sounding]

Carol.

Mr. Brittas, is it still pensioners' swimming time?

Yes, but there are rules.

No shouting, no splashing, no whistling, no petting,

and you've got to keep to the left

in swimming lanes, all right?

Hang on a second, didn't I ban you

for taking too long to get changed?

I think I did, didn't I?

Out you go, please.

-Out, out. -[Pensioner sobbing]

Out you go and don't take all day.

Right, Carol, whats this apparatus?

Well, you said I was musical, Mr. Brittas,

and I am. Listen.

[Trombone playing]

All right, Carol.

This is reception

and you are a receptionist, not Louis Armstrong.

Get rid of it please.

Any sign of that juggling man?

No, Mr. Brittas.

Now listen, you said I was musical

so come over here and turn over for me.

But this time, no tickling.

I beg your pardon.

This morning, you tickled me.

Carol, are you in some sort of conspiracy with Linda?

I do not do tickling. Matter closed, all right?

Now I want you to wear this t-shirt for me please.

You've been chosen as someone prominent enough

to show off the whole logo.

"Jugglers do it up in the air," all right?

Now that is witty, Carol.

So let's put it on

and make sure the words are at the front please

and Carol don't cry, we can't all go on holiday.

He's made you cry, Carol.

Now I'll tell you the truth,

he's made me cry too,

-several times. -Oh, Colin.

We're two of a kind, Carol.

Yes, we are.

Have I ever proposed marriage to you, Carol?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you have.

And what did you say?

I said I'd like to, but I couldn't.

Well, fair enough, Carol.

Now I'd like you to give a bottle of this

to everybody who comes into reception, if you would.

Oh, hello again.

Madam, may we speak again with your Mr. Brightass, please?

We have spoken with chattanooga

and we have been authorised to say to Mr. Brightass

that if he will consent to be baptised,

he will immediately become an elder of the church

and will be permitted four wives.

Well, I think he's got enough trouble with just the one.

Four wives, eh? He'll be needing my tonic.

Speaking of which, gentlemen,

if each of you would like to drink one of these,

I'll nip up and see Mr. Brittas for you personally.

Thank you.

A blessing upon you.

Delicious.

[Vlad speaking in foreign language]

Whitbury leisure centre.

[Banging on Van door]

[Vlad speaking in foreign language]

[Trombone playing Beethoven]

Beautiful music.

Mr. Brittas, you've dressed like that again.

Pretty lady of this morning.

And you're talking like that again.

Oh, you are big and beautiful, pretty lady.

Tell me, what is your boss called?

Well, it's you, Mr. Brittas.

Mr. Brittas.

Briss? Briss? Briss.

I call him boss, beautiful lady.

I love you. I love whitbury.

I love this.

You're going the wrong way, Mr. Brittas.

Mr. Brightass, we have a new deal, sir.

Oh, don't be disappointed. He's a very busy man.

But I could play you a little something

while you're waiting.

Suffering, brothers, the way to heaven.

I am a bit lost.

Help me, somebody show me the way.

Hey, pretty lady, only in towel, you show me the way please?

Gordon?

You show me the way.

Gordon, the boots, the get-up.

You're Indiana Jones.

I love it.

No Indiana, ruthenia.

Ruthenia Jones.

You come back tonight.

Special guest, we make music.

You want to save our marriage too.

Oh Gordon.

[Vlad sighing]

Gordon, you smell of horse manure.

It's a dream come true.

Quick, into the cupboard.

[Vlad panting]

Oh, damn, they've had a delivery.

Come on.

Oh, back in there.

I'll get rid of them.

Helen, what are you doing here?

You said you were gonna hoover the sitting room

and you know the rules.

Proper clothes in all corridors at all times.

Dressed skimpily like that,

some over-65 could easily take advantage of you.

What is it, my sweet?

But you?

[Helen whimpers]

I think I want to go back to the clinic for more therapy.

You haven't been yourself since I was dead, have you?

Hello? Hello?

[Vlad speaking in foreign language]

[Liquid spurting]

Too much frog.

Hello, peoples!

Excuse me.

Oh, Mr. Brittas, you've come to apologise.

Well, you didn't need to dress up.

But now you are here, by way of friendship,

have a drink of this.

Oh, a drink! Please, I am Vladimir.

You are red-nose man?

You drink in cellar. I drink also.

I know why you're talking like that, Mr. Brittas.

It's because, for the first time in your life,

you're embarrassed.

Well, you needn't be.

I've never said this before, but I love you, Mr. Brittas.

I love you.

I love you too.

We are brothers.

Soon ruthenia join the common market.

We in eurovision singing contest. [Laughs]

Never mind about Europe, Mr. B,

this stuff will go a bomb in the states.

[Vlad sighs]

[Glasses clinking]

Very, very good.

Oh, really wonderful, Mr. Brittas.

[Sighs] Where do I find boss?

Time to juggle. Where do I find brittas?

In your office, Mr. Brittas.

Happy birthday!

I go, red-nose man. I love you.

Happy birthday? There's too much frog in this.

You were foreign and exciting

and you were in the cupboard.

This is you, is it, Gordon?

I mean, when you say wife, I am your wife, am I?

Very much beloved wife, my sweet.

So you do still want to seduce me in the towel cupboard?

Not right now, Helen.

I've wanted you to revive our marriage.

I wanted you to come to me as something different,

even a wild animal.

Helen, it's not even lunchtime yet.

[Buzzer rings]

Yes, Julie.

The clinic says, Mrs. Brittas's taxi is on its way

and the chattanooga church people say,

you can be a bishop if you want to and have eight wives.

Julie, tell Mr. Chattanooga, I do not want eight wives,

thank you very much.

One is quite enough for me.

Oh, Gordon, you do love me. Kiss me.

Not right now, Helen.

I've got two dozen unicycles to assemble.

They came flat-packed.

I give up.

Julie.

I'm on the phone.

[Mr. Brittas] I need Colin with a screwdriver please.

He's in his cubbyhole. Ring him yourself.

Sorry I was interrupted.

Then what happened?

This morning, you say?

Hey, brittas has been here all morning, hasn't he?

He hasn't slipped out at all?

Well, I don't know. Mind you, I've been asleep.

-Julie, where's the... -No, no,

whoever told you all that must've got the wrong person.

Yeah, bye.

The "whitbury times" says, is it true

that Mr. Brittas gave the kiss of life to a bull terrier

in the underpass this morning?

Well, he wouldn't kiss a dog. He doesn't like dogs.

And the dog wouldn't kiss him.

Julie, where's that disposable camera thing

that was here the other day?

-Why? -Well, brittas has gone mad.

He's dressed up like a cossack.

He's downstairs now.

No he isn't. He's in there with Mrs. B.

But I've just--trouble, Julie.

I may have to take Trevor.

Brittas is drunk and he's just goosed three young women

in the sports hall apparently.

No he hasn't. He's in his office.

What?

[Buzzer rings]

[Mr. Brittas] Yes, Julie?

Nothing.

[Mr. Brittas] Thank you, Julie.

Time for your maternity leave, I think.

[Indistinct] It's schizophrenia.

He was all over me by the frozen peas,

breathing garlic, wearing those boots, you see.

But as soon as he puts the magic blazer on,

-he's brittas again. -[Phone ringing]

So he thinks he's two people?

Well, he can't think himself

into two places at once, can he?

Hang on, who's this under the bear?

Penny says it isn't brittas on the unicycle

'cause he hasn't got that funny little warty thing

like brittas has.

It's the great vlad, he looks just like brittas.

Fancy that.

Not much.

This means Mr. Brittas is in danger.

This man is his doppelganger.

His what?

He's double, comparative mythology.

The doppelganger is the one that looks just like you

and when you meet him face to face, you're dead.

It would be a bit of a shock, wouldn't it?

I mean, if I saw me walking down the street,

I don't know what I'd say.

"He's nice," you'd say, "he's very nice."

I can't wait to see his face

when he sees his other face.

No! Seeing his doppelganger will kill him.

He's only just been dead, anyway.

Come on, Gavin, we've got to protect him.

Hang on, Linda.

Look, if brittas dies, I might well get to be manager.

You know they often appoint internally.

How can you say such a thing?

-Well, it's true, isn't it? -Yeah.

You all want him dead.

I'll protect him on my own then.

There may be a bit of a problem.

My word, you've changed back quickly.

What is it, Colin?

There may have been a labelling error.

With what?

Well, the labels were in lovely old gothic script,

you see, and the word tonic

and laxative look very much the same.

That was probably why they stopped

using gothic script, Colin.

Luckily, only 33 people,

-including yourself- -[Linda] Hey!

I don't want you to die, Mr. Brittas.

Thank you, Linda.

Colin, guard that door.

No one is to come in.

Oh, Mr. Brittas, you're not gonna believe this,

but you're in my office.

-It's the doppelganger. -What?

You're not to see him.

Shall I show you in?

Under the desk, Mr. Brittas.

Colin, I never thought I'd say this,

but you seem to be the sane one.

-What is going on? -[Vlad] Mr. Brittas,

-vlad is here. -Come on, he's in here.

He mustn't see him.

[Mr. Brittas] Linda! Linda!

Where is brittas?

Mr. Brittas.

[Mr. Brittas] Linda.

Indiana, I mean, ruthenia.

Pretty lady. [Indistinct]

[Linda] Hey!

[Linda grunts]

Colin, look after Mr. Brittas.

Which one?

[Mr. Brittas] Gavin!

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

What is going on?

Nobody knows, Mr. Brittas.

I want to go back to my clinic.

What you need, my darling, is a holiday.

Where are we taking him?

Back to the circus?

But they're not in town yet.

Well take him to the field where they're going to be.

Get on with it.

[Car engine roaring]

[Bear snarling]

[Gentle piano music]

Carol.

It's rachmaninoff, Mr. Brittas,

and all because you believed in me.

Mr. Brightass.

Still here are we?

Shouldn't you be down at reception, Carol?

I'm just getting to the dramatic bit, Mr. Brittas.

So am I, Carol.

Get down to reception or you're fired.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Mr. Brightass, we-

Carol, we have a problem.

Colin left 33 samples of his laxative on the reception desk

and they've all been drunk by members of the public.

That wouldn't have happened if you'd been on duty.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

Excuse me, Mr. Brittas,

do you know there's a bear in the car park?

I'm not familiar with it, Gavin, no.

Actually, it doesn't sound like my kind of music.

No, no, no. There's a bear in the car park.

A bear?

Right, ring the fire alarm, Gavin.

Evacuate the building.

Evacuate the building,

what out to the car park where the bear is?

The...

You have bears in america, don't you?

Not in the city of chattanooga as such.

Right, brown alert, Carol.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Gavin, initiate emergency plan Alpha 10.

Alpha 10, that's the one for big cats, lions, tigers.

It's the nearest we've got, Gavin.

The one where we all jump in the pool?

Precisely, all in the pool, you lot.

But Mr. Brittas, bears like water.

Gavin, you're thinking of honey.

Everyone in the pool please.

That includes you, Mrs. Bidmead, in the pool please.

Right, I know this is fun

and yes, we will be having a singsong later

while our attendants come round with the merchandise,

but there is a serious reason

to us all being in the pool together

-like this. -[Bear growling]

There is a large, brown bear loose in the centre.

I repeat, there's a large brown-

-[bear growls] -[People scream]

All right, everyone, put your heads under the water.

He may not see us.

[Water splashes]

Faster! Faster, Gordon, faster!

Helen, my darling, that's not me.

Gordon brightass, in the name of the first national church

of chattanooga, I baptise thee once,

and twice, and thrice.

Hello, pretty lady.

Always, I am being told that English ladies are the best.

You are perfect.

[Dramatic music]

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