Original subtitles

[Lively music]

No, no, I think the banner should say,

"greetings from all at whitbury newtown leisure centre

and welcome back, mr brittas from the dead,

after your terrible accident."

[Audience laughs]

It's a bit long, Colin.

I don't mind.

If it's for mr brittas, I don't care

if it takes me a week to paint it.

He's coming back tomorrow.

[Audience laughs]

Point taken, Linda.

Tomorrow eh, oh happy day.

I preferred it when he was dead.

[Audience laughs]

Brittas is getting fan letters now,

the reincarnation society want him to give a talk,

and a spiritualist wants him to write

a guide book to the other side.

[Audience laughs]

First things, first; Tomorrow's buffet, Tim?

Well, he's been in hospital in Switzerland,

so I thought we'd do Indian.

He won't have had any Indian.

Penny, what do you think?

Well, Indian seems like a good idea:

Samosas, poppadoms-

no, no, let's not have anything flat.

When that huge water tank fell on mr brittas,

he looked like a chapatti.

[Audience laughs]

Oh, please Colin.

No look, so when I last saw him,

you could have slid him under that door.

[Audience laughs]

Well, perhaps he'll come back

delivered in a cardboard box, like a pizza.

Oh, he's been rebuilt, he's not flat anymore.

He could be all plastic and metal now,

entirely devoid of feeling.

No change there, then.

[Audience laughs]

I wonder what it's like, being dead?

I think I'll do a thesis on it.

I mean, when I go to theological college,

I'll be the only one who knows someone

who's actually been dead; He can tell me all about it.

Oh, hang on a minute, before we get too carried away,

I had a letter from the hospital in Zurich.

He doesn't know that he was dead, and nobody must tell him.

Look, it, it, it says here.

[Julie throwing up]

Oh Julie, I'm sorry, was it me saying

that mr brittas looked like a chapatti?

Er, no it was something I ate.

Oh, those rissoles in the canteen?

No, a biro and two rubbers.

[Audience laughs]

A biro?

Well, I'm pregnant, aren't I?

I get cravings for strange things.

Ooh, listen you come with me,

I've got a little something for you.

Ooh.

I'll tell you what, it's better out than in.

[Julie throwing up]

Penny, was there anything you wanted to raise?

Yes-

what about the rest of us raising things?

You always turn to penny;

Linda and me have been here longer than penny!

All right then Tim, what was it you wanted to raise?

Well, nothing as it happens.

[Audience laughs]

Oh, very nice.

If brittas doesn't know he's been dead,

where does he think he's been?

And what about that job in Brussels he got?

Er, he's not going to Brussels, Linda;

he failed the medical.

Failed the medical?

What was wrong with him?

He was dead!

[Audience laughs]

And so the sad Princess, Princess Carole,

went to a faraway land to meet her prince.

When she got there, the prince had married another Princess

and she got very sad, and she wept great big tears.

[Baby crying]

No, no, don't cry, darling,

mummy's just a bit sad, that's all.

It'll be a happy ending.

Morning, Carole.

Welcome to whitbury newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

Mr brittas isn't back till tomorrow,

mr brittas!

[Brittas makes a nasal sound]

Always one jump ahead, Carole.

It's you, but you're not meant to be back 'til tomorrow.

I'd of been back sooner,

but I couldn't get through the metal detector at Zurich.

[Audience laughs]

You look, you look just like you always look.

Thank you, Carole and you.

I thought you'd be flatter, but you're all filled out.

And you, Carole, nicely filled out;

come and have a word with me about pregnancy leave.

I'm not pregnant.

[Audience laughs]

Carole, I thought you'd left.

Oh, I thought you were going to Austria

to be a governess to herr Von trapp's family,

with every chance of wedding bells?

Don't speak about it, mr brittas.

Herr Von trapp wouldn't have married one of the nuns.

[Audience laughs]

I try to keep a brave face in front of the children,

but if you would try not to mention Austria or anything,

I'd be very grateful.

I understand, Carole.

Oh Carole, put the chimes away will you?

I wasn't pleased to hear the sound of music.

[Audience laughs]

[Carole crying]

So, tomorrow he walks up the red carpet,

towards the centre, sees the banner,

"welcome home, mr b," we all jump out

from behind the bushes and shout, "surprise!"

I don't think so, Gavin.

[Audience laughs]

Mr brittas!

[Brittas makes a nasal whine]

We weren't expecting you 'til tomorrow, mr brittas.

-Gavin. -[Gavin yelps]

-Timothy. -[Tim yelps]

Ah, life in the old dog yet, don't know me own strength,

-Linda! -[Linda shrieks]

He's bionic!

And who may this be?

Um, I won't shake hands, they're um, sticky.

Nothing fungal, I hope.

This is mrs bidmead.

Penny bidmead.

She's in charge of the sauna solarium.

Er yes, the sauna solarium,

hived off with a view to privatisation

and mrs bidmead appointed in my absence.

Well, let's hope for the best shall we?

Excuse me.

Right, I'm under strict instructions to relax,

and follow a hands-off strategy.

So Gavin, you're in charge and I'm purely an observer.

Oh, right mr brittas.

Oh dear, somebody hasn't torn

the page off the desk calendar.

[Paper crunching]

[Audience laughs]

Where's the bin, bin, bin, bin, bin, bin, bin, bin, bin?

Gavin, you're running a sloppy ship, sir.

Doh, well Julie was being sick in it, mr brittas.

There's a procedure for vomiting, Gavin,

look it up please.

[Audience laughs]

Right, I'm gonna sit here and do nothing.

Sorry I'm late, everybody, Julie's been sick

in three different areas.

There was a lot of blu tack in there, elastic bands...

Mr brittas!

Colin weatherby!

Oh, let me give you a kiss and a hug, mr brittas.

No thank you, Colin.

[Audience laughs]

Let me shake your hand, put it there, put it there!

Where's that glove been, Colin?

Just tickling the back of Julie's throat.

[Audience laughs]

Oh, let me look at you, oh you're tanned,

you're beautiful.

[Audience laughs]

You look well, mr brittas.

It's fitness Gavin, and strengthened stamina.

They had me running up and down the alps.

Where's your spot?

I'm sorry, mr brittas, the day you left, it dropped off.

[Audience laughs]

I've got it in a jar, have I to fetch it?

Not right now, Colin.

And to think, that dreadful water tank fell on you,

and you were all flat and the doctor pronounced you...

[Colin yelps]

Linda erm, I think it's time

for your presentation, the model.

Don't mention he was dead.

Oh, right.

Mr brittas, when the ambulance man took one look at you,

and said, he'd never seen anyone so...

-Unwell. -[Audience laughs]

I decided to make something beautiful in your memory.

So, here it is: A scale model

of whitbury newtown leisure centre.

Oh, thank you Colin.

[Staff applauding]

Thank you.

Here you are, mr brittas,

standing outside, waiting to welcome in the public.

Why am I holding up a green flag?

He's out of my train set, mr brittas.

[Audience laughs]

He doesn't look very like me.

Oh I dunno, he's waving his arms about,

blowing his whistle, nobody's taking any notice

and he's entirely made out of plastic.

[Audience laughs]

[Brittas makes a nasal sound]

[Bell rings]

Welcome to whitbury newtown leisure-

oh, it's me, Carole.

Mrs brittas.

What are you doing here, I thought...

Oh no, that Von trapp bloke's thrown you out, hasn't he?

I told you never to trust

Austrian men with little moustaches.

You are so right, mrs brittas.

Pull yourself together, Carole,

look I've got to be back at the clinic

before the pills wear off.

I thought they always kept you

in a straight jacket, mrs brittas?

Only for the first month.

I'm in group therapy now,

or at least I would be if they could find

any other women whose husbands came back from the dead.

[Audience laughs]

So are you having a sauna or a swim?

I'm having a crisis, Carole.

Yes.

I'm a normal, healthy woman

and there's this doctor at the clinic, you know,

blond blue eyes, muscles, all of my favourite things.

Favourite things. [She weeps]

[Audience laughs]

Listen, okay listen Carole, please.

Anyway, this doctor's wife sent Gordon a letter,

telling him all about me and my

inclinations towards a husband.

I've got to destroy that letter before Gordon gets back.

But he's back!

What? When?

10 minutes ago.

He might not have read it yet.

Any men in white coats come in, you haven't seen me.

Yes, mrs brittas, what?

[Audience laughs]

Now, what we have here is a euro whistle,

for each of you, still in the public sector,

which I initially intend to phase in,

alongside our standard issue, council whistles.

You'll all have two whistles?

[Whistles blowing at different pitches]

That is for the infringement of a euro regulation.

[Audience laughs]

But, we don't know any euro regulations, mr brittas.

No, Gavin you will, they're on their way.

-By post? -By juggernaut.

[Audience laughs]

Just learn to blow the whistle

for the time being, all right.

Erm, yes mr brittas.

Argh, I'm three minutes late for my pool inspection,

-let's go! -Ah, mr brittas,

you said you were going to be hands off.

Quite right, Gavin, hands off it is,

you're in charge, I'll just take a back seat, all right.

[Model crunching]

What's that noise?

You've sat on the leisure centre, mr brittas.

Well, who put it there?

You've wrecked it!

It's strange you know, I've got very little feeling

in some parts of my body.

Maybe they've given you a bionic bottom?

[Audience laughs]

I think they would have said, mrs bidmead.

I just lack sensitivity, that's all.

Yes indeed, mr brittas.

[Audience laughs]

Ah, while you're at the swimming pool,

make sure you check between people's toes, please.

Ah, it's good to be back.

[Audience laughs]

Mr brittas has got quite nice eyes, hasn't he.

Gavin thinks you've got quite nice eyes, don't you Gavin!

I wanna have a word with you t... excuse me, penny.

Your bookings, mrs bidmead.

[Book clattering on the desk]

-Thank you. -[Audience laughs]

Oh, mrs hinks for the sauna, mrs ray for the sunbed.

Well, mrs ray could certainly do with a drop of golden sun.

Drop of golden sun. [She weeps]

[Audience laughs]

What did I say?

Well, she's new, she needs a bit of friendly concern.

I'll show you friendly concern's one thing,

coming over all butch is another.

I didn't see it's any of your business.

Of course it's my business;

you find her attractive, don't you?

Well, everyone does!

You do!

Look, you don't own me, you're not my mother.

If you don't like it, you can shove off.

Right.

[Gavin splashing in the water]

Julie, drei cafe, por favour.

Now, what can I do for you, mrs bidmead?

Or now the sauna solarium is semi-independent,

perhaps I should say, what can I semi-do for you?

I only came in to tell you about Carole, and the fact-

I know what you're gonna say, mrs bidmead,

she keeps her children

in the drawers and cupboards of reception,

it's not something I'm proud of.

No, it's not that, mr brittas,

it's the fact that she's horribly upset,

every time something reminds her of that nasty experience

with herr Von trapp.

[He inhales breath] Like any good manager, mrs bidmead,

I was aware of the situation.

We at whitbury have a special saying: Cowpat.

-Cowpat? -It's a management tool.

A cowpat is?

Consider what practical action to take, cowpat.

Now, the practical action to take in this situation

is to let everyone know.

Watch this.

[Phone buttons clicking]

[Brittas sniffs and coughs]

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

[Brittas] Carole?

Yes, mr brittas.

What I want you to do, Carole,

is put your fingers in your ears and don't take them out

until I tell you to, all right?

Yes, mr brittas.

Part two: Now this is a staff announcement.

Would all members of staff, please take note

that Carole our receptionist is likely to burst into tears

every time someone mentions her seduction and abandonment.

Carole?

[Brittas] Certain matters that I will now...

Carole, give us some cigarettes.

I don't smoke, mrs brittas.

Oh, what about the confiscation box?

Oh yes, yes.

[Brittas] Sad music, the Von trapps, eidelweiss,

whiskers on kittens...

No. [She weeps]

[Audience laughs]

There you are, mrs bidmead, cowpat in action.

Now, let's talk about you, let's bond.

First of all, you bond then I'll bond,

then we'll bond together.

[Audience laughs]

[Door slamming]

[Mrs brittas blowing]

[Smoke alarm beeping]

Smoke alarm.

Yeah, it's that one, and I can smell smoke.

Attention staff and public.

Um, perhaps it was only a cigarette, mr brittas?

Better safe than sorry, mrs bidmead.

Evacuate uh-the building,

I repeat, evacuate uh-the building.

[Car door slamming]

He's back, and he's having a fire drill!

[Audience laughs]

[Engine revving]

[Mrs brittas mumbling]

[People chattering outside the door]

Better safe than sorry, and I like a good fire drill.

Well that's just the start.

Next it'll be flood drill, whooping cough alert,

invasion by penguins, and he sat on your model!

He probably had a very good reason, Julie.

Mr brittas knows what he's doing.

He didn't seem to notice I was pregnant.

[Audience laughs]

Are you looking for something?

Coke.

Cola or Pepsi.

The hard stuff.

Drugs?

No, you know anthracite.

Oh, you mean smokeless fuel?

There you are.

Ah, oh mm, oh yeah.

I would just keep yearning for it.

I love to see a girl with a healthy appetite.

He's a lucky man, that fiance of yours,

all that money and you too.

I chucked 'im.

Why did, he didn't insult you did he?

Because if he did, by god, I'll-

he insulted me, all right.

He wanted me to learn to speak proper.

Elocution lessons, me?

I elocute very nicely, don't I?

You speak beautifully, Julie, I've always thought that.

I watch your lips, I love your lips,

they're so dark and mysterious.

[Audience laughs]

My milkman's chucked me too, she cut me out of her round.

Well we're two little waifs together, then,

except I'm pregnant.

Julie, I've always admired you,

the way you've always helped mr brittas

and his great leisure crusade, and I was wondering if,

now that my spot's dropped off, you would consider me?

What as?

Marry me, Julie.

Why?

Well you need a father for your child,

and I don't mind that it's not mine.

You know those plant pots, where the seed's already sown?

I live with those very happily.

[Audience laughs]

I may not be much Julie, but I've got a good heart.

That's very nice of you, Colin.

I can just see us now in the evenings together;

you bathing the baby in front of the fire,

me playing my swanee whistle.

[Audience laughs]

It makes sense, Julie,

and I'm not just on the rebound from the milkman.

Then, I'll think about it.

Well, that's fair enough.

But before you say, "yes,"

I think there's something you ought to know about me.

What?

Well you remember when I lost my memory?

When mr brittas was packing to go to Brussels,

before he died?

Well, when I got me memory back, I remembered what I'd done.

A terrible thing; I'd put a bomb

in mr brittas's croquet set,

luggage in advance.

A bomb?

It was silly of me, I know, and very irresponsible.

Oh, well it can't of gone off, it'd been in the papers.

What you have to consider is Julie,

could you marry a man who would try

to assassinate mr brittas?

[Audience laughs]

It helps.

They don't know much about leisure, the Swiss,

but I soon got them organised;

seven-a-side football, orthopaedic surgeons against plastic.

Er, fascinating Gordon,

but I didn't just come here to say,

"welcome back on behalf of the council."

The fact is, what with your being away,

we've had a couple of problems.

Problems?

You say problems counsellor, I say cowpat.

[Audience laughs]

We had a little collection around the offices

for a memorial for you, for your accident.

People were amazingly generous, we raised 512 pounds.

But of course, now you're with us again,

and the fact is people want their money back.

A memorial to my accident, that is unusual, Jack.

Very nice of people.

Yeah, the thing is the money, it's in cash most of it,

in an envelope and it should be in your post.

[Brittas clicks his fingers]

Julie, are you there?

Where's the post, please.

[Julie] I'm busy!

[Julie throwing up]

[Audience laughs]

And then there's the business with the insurance.

Insurance, what insurance?

The life insurance, they paid out.

They paid out?

They paid your wife, 88,000 pounds.

But of course, with the circumstances

being what they are now, they want it back,

and unfortunately your wife spent it all,

just before they came to take her away.

[Audience laughs]

She spent 88,000 pounds?

You see that car down there?

What, next to the rolls?

No, the rolls.

[Audience laughs]

That was 50,000 of it, the rest went on a horse.

She bought a horse?

No, Gordon, she backed it.

[Audience laughs]

Why did they pay out on my life insurance?

Exactly, must have been a computer error.

[Brittas makes a nasal whine]

They thought I was dead!

Well, I'm sorry that car's gotta go back.

Wait a minute, Jack.

That car wasn't there, when I came in this morning;

my wife is on the premises.

'Ere's yer coffee.

Oh, by the way the clinic phoned, your wife's got loose,

without her clothes.

[Audience laughs]

I'll just deal with this, counsellor.

[Brittas clears his throat]

Attention, all staff and public,

there's nothing to be alarmed about, nothing at all.

However, if you see a naked lady, staring eyes,

hair all over the place, carrying the keys to a rolls Royce,

please inform this office immediately

and be gentle with her, for this is the lady

that I've worshipped for many years, thank you.

-Mrs brittas. -Yes?

Oh, hello mrs brittas, I was just talking about you,

to myself, what are you doing in my cupboard?

I must've fallen asleep in there, when Gordon wake me up.

Did you hear him?

He's worshipped me for many years.

He told everyone,

then it's true.

And all that time he was being reconstructed,

I've been trying to make myself cheap with some doctor.

[Audience laughs]

Thank god I destroyed that letter.

I'll let him know you're here, shall I?

No, not just like this,

I've got some stuff in the back of my car.

I want to look my best, I want to...

How does he look, Colin?

Oh, he's fine.

You know, he's got three dimensions again,

he said he's never had so much stamina.

And strong, he's got a grip like a vice.

Of course, physically we were always very good together.

[Audience laughs]

His lederhosen, of course were very appealing,

though they were terribly difficult to iron.

I've got some lederhosen,

Gavin says I look good in leather, or he used to say.

[Audience laughs]

You're not very happy are you either, Tim?

I'm angry, it's penny.

Oh, maybe he finds her attractive as a mother figure?

She's no mother figure, you're a mother figure.

Am I, oh thank you.

[Audience laughs]

If ever I was after a mother figure, I'd come to you.

Well, if ever you want to cuddle, I'm always very willing.

Are you?

Yes, anytime.

Why has it all gone quiet?

Oh, the children are listening.

Come along darlings, get on with your games.

I've got two tickets for the English national opera

next week, would you like to come?

Yes.

As soon as the post has been located, I will sort it out.

And as soon as my wife has been located, ditto.

Goodbye, counsellor.

[Counsellor winces]

[Audience laughs]

Not supposed to be in blue area, Tim?

[Hands tapping on the desk]

Oh, there's nobody playing badminton, they all went home.

I've said many times before Tim,

the public are neither here nor there;

it's the running of the centre that counts.

Back to blue area, please and if there's no one playing,

you can always play with yourself.

[Audience laughs]

And keep an eye open for my wife, please.

Oh, mr brittas, the rest of your luggage

just arrived from Brussels.

Nah, look that Carole; Brussels efficiency for you;

seven items, all beautifully labelled,

and microed, they said.

Get Gavin to load it into the car for me, please will you?

Yes, mr brittas.

[Clock ticking]

Mr brittas?

[Pencil sharpener clicking]

Nevermind eating pencils, Julie, any word of my wife?

No.

What about the post?

Don't ask me.

Julie look for it, search around, search under things,

search on top of things, search, search, search.

Oh, this arrived second post from the clinic.

Private, personal, woman's handwriting, not mrs brittas's.

Thank you, Julie. [He coughs]

[Audience laughs]

Hello, Gordon.

You've not been taking your pills, my darling.

[Audience laughs]

Do you really worship me, Gordon?

Your doctor's not gonna be

too pleased about this, my darling.

Do you think you could worship me right now?

And you'll have missed lunch as well.

[Audience laughs]

Pretend I'm your lunch, Gordon!

My darling, we are paying for those lunches,

and you've been spending money; That car's gotta go back.

By the way your hair's going in the shredder.

Oh, close the door, Gordon.

My darling, that door always stays open,

it's a rule of management, you know that.

[Door slamming]

Gordon, you don't know what it's been like.

My darling, there's a time and place for everything,

you're in an unstable condition!

You're gonna shock yourself, I'm not a complete man!

What?

What have they taken away?

They forgot to give me a belly button.

[Audience laughs]

But everything else is there?

I've mended the model, mr brittas.

Oh, am I interrupting?

[Audience laughs]

Not at all, Colin,

mrs brittas was just about to iron my shirt.

[Audience laughs]

Just leave the damn model and go, Colin.

What's happening?

Oh. [She mumbles]

[Audience laughs]

Julie, get mrs brittas an ambulance, will you?

In fact, second thoughts make that group 4.

[Audience laughs]

Right, my darling, a lot has happened to you

over the last two months.

Nothing has happened to me over the last two months.

I know, my darling, just take it easy, there, there.

Gordon, I've heard all about your strength and stamina-

and my darling, you're not yourself.

[Audience laughs]

Just take it easy, you've gotta go away and get better.

I'll give that rolls Royce back.

As for the other 38,000 pounds, we'll just have to

put a little bit by each week, all right.

We will get through this one together, my darling.

Now Gordon, now!

Not now, my darling, it'll be sometime soon,

but not now; Make an appointment.

An appointment?

I'm gonna make an appointment with my doctor.

That's right, my darling, put yourself in his hands

and in no time at all, you'll be normal, just like me.

[Audience laughs]

Normal?

You're normal?

Uh, I must be hearing things, you're not normal at all!

Two months ago, you were dead.

Dead?

Dead, don't you remember, certified dead?

I've got a death certificate, I framed it.

[Audience laughs]

I was dead?

I bought new shoes for the funeral.

[Audience laughs]

And a hat, I'd just thrown the earth on your coffin,

and you started knocking.

[Audience laughs]

I knew it was you, it was your knock.

[Audience laughs]

But I couldn't have been dead,

my bowel was moved every day,

it said so at the end of the bed.

They can do anything with statistics,

of course you were dead.

Why do you think they paid out the life insurance?

I don't feel well, Helen.

[Model smashing]

[Audience laughs]

You had surgeons from all over the world,

clamouring to put you together again.

It's all coming back, Helen.

I know what heaven is;

it's a great big leisure centre in the sky.

[Audience laughs]

I'm feeling very strange, Helen.

Oh no, oh no don't do it again, Gordon, don't die again.

I told the children once, daddy had gone on a long holiday,

they're not gonna believe me a second time.

There, there.

[Gordon glugging]

There, that's better.

Mr brittas, we've put everything in your car

but the croquet set wouldn't...

Oh, isn't he well?

You never tell me I was dead, Linda.

Oh, you know!

[Audience laughs]

What was it like, mr brittas?

The other side, I mean was there

a great white light or a tunnel?

Did you bump into anyone you knew?

Was Hitler there, was red rum there?

[Audience laughs]

The details are coming back.

That coffin was very cramped, most uncomfortable.

I suspect it didn't conform to European standards.

[Audience laughs]

So what you're saying basically is,

you don't want to marry me because I'm too old,

and poor and ugly?

Well, yeah.

Well, fair enough.

I am old and poor,

and I wish my beauty spot hadn't dropped off.

Do you think it would stick back on again?

[Audience laughs]

Penny, I've got two tickets

to the English national opera at home,

I just wondered if you'd be interested?

-Take Tim. -What?

Well, you and Tim are an item.

Well, Tim shoved me in the pool.

Well he must mean something.

[Audience laughs]

Was there a feeling of flying?

Were you conscious of having wings?

Oh Linda, do shut up, shouldn't you be in red area?

Yes, mrs brittas.

Erm, Carole, I'm just gonna take Gordon home in his car,

could you ask someone to bring my car home for me?

It's the rolls, and tell Gavin he's in charge.

-Yes, mrs brittas. -I'm in charge, Helen.

No, you're not.

You came back a day early, and now you're paying the price.

You're going straight to bed, and So am I.

[Audience laughs]

Er Carole?

Oh, Tim!

I know exactly what I'm gonna wear for the opera;

I have a long black skirt and a red top,

and a stole that I'm gonna wrap round and round

and black shoes, that almost match my handbag.

You want to take Gavin, don't you?

I'm terribly sorry, Carole.

It's just that I got myself into a bit of a trap.

-Trap? -[Audience laughs]

Trapp!

[Phone ringing]

-Hello, mr brittas. -Hello?

I've just heard that mr brittas's luggage

has come back from Brussels,

and they've put it in the boot of the car you're in.

Yes, and to cut a long story short,

there's a bomb in the croquet set.

[Audience laughs]

A what?

I'm sorry about this inconvenience,

but I really feel you ought to take some avoiding action.

[Engine roaring]

Darling?

[Brittas mumbling]

There's a bomb in the back.

[Audience laughs]

Not now, Helen.

[Brakes screeching]

[Water splashing]

[Audience laughs]

So we're home, what now?

No we're not, we're in a lake.

Helen, I've told you before,

I don't approve of your shortcuts.

[Audience laughs]

[Phone ringing]

[Water trickling]

Brittas.

What is it, Colin?

No, the croquet set is not in the car.

Yes, I'm sure, it wouldn't fit in the boot.

Colin, I'm in a lake, why would I want a croquet set?

[Audience laughs]

I've got nothing to bang the hoops in with,

and the balls would float away.

[Audience laughs]

[Mrs brittas groaning]

Oh darling, you've been hurt.

Not you, Colin!

Precisely why I keep a handkerchief

in my right hand pocket at all times, let me dab that wound.

What's this?

Oh.

Oh, it's the letter from that clinic of yours.

Oh, Gordon.

Totally unreadable now, anyway.

[Audience laughs]

I do love you, Gordon.

Quite right.

[Audience laughs]

[Tim and Gavin groaning]

Can I hear it ticking?

Ah-huh, that's what they always used to say

about rolls Royce's, isn't it.

All you hear is the ticking of the clock.

[Audience laughs]

[He groans] There we go.

Oh, that closes so...

Oh what a lovely thing.

Beautiful.

My aunt used to have one of those, you know.

Did she?

Yes, used to take me back to school in it.

[Rolls Royce explodes]

[Audience laughs]

[Debris crashes onto the ground]

[Lively music]

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