Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> I KNOW I HAVE NOT ALWAYS BEEN DER BEST HUSBAND.

>> THAT'S THE SMARTEST THING TO EVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

>> HEY, YOU WANT TO KNOW DER SMARTEST THING TO EVER COME OUT

OF YOUR MOUTH?

MEIN DOODLE.

I'M EINSTEIN, BITCH!

EINSTEIN, MOTHER [BLEEP] >> HEY, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID

TO THAT BARTENDER LAST NIGHT?

I SAID, "I'M CALLING THE COPS.

YOU JUST SERVED A MINER."[minor] [ BOTH LAUGH ]

YOU GET IT?

>> OH, ANOTHER ZINGER.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES DOWN HERE, I ACTUALLY PRAY FOR A GAS LEAK.

[ RUMBLING ] UH-OH!

>> WATCH OUT!

>> OH, NO, WE'RE TRAPPED.

AND WORST OF ALL, I REALLY DO SMELL GAS.

>> YEAH, THAT COULD BE MY I.B.S.

ACTING UP.

>> JUST TO BE SAFE, LET'S PUT ON OUR PROTECTIVE ANTI-GAS SUITS

AND LOOK FOR ANOTHER WAY OUT.

>> IT'S FANTASTIC UNDERGROUND.

>> WAIT. WHAT'S THAT?

>> IT'S FANTASTIC UNDERGROUND.

>> WHAT IN THE SWEET HELL?

>> HOLY CRAP! RUN!

>> IT'S FANTASTIC UNDERGROUND.

>> [ GASPING ] IT'S GAINING ON US.

WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

>> I'LL STOP HIM.

YOU GOT A FAMILY TO THINK OF.

>> WHAT?!

YOU'RE MARRIED, BILL.

>> YEAH, BUT I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU, HARVEY.

>> WHAT THE -- >> NO! NO! BILL!

>> [ GROWLS ] >> [ GASPS ]

>> DAD, WAIT UP.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY BICYCLE PUMP, BECAUSE I-I LOVE YOU.

>> ONLY ONE CHANCE.

PLAY DEAD, YOU MONSTER!

[ BEEPING ] I-I LOVED YOU, TOO, BILL.

[ SOBBING ] [ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

>> I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

>> I'M SORRY, HONEY, BUT IT'S BEDTIME.

>> I HATE YOU!

AND DOLLY HATES YOU, TOO.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] WELL, YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER, AND I

LOVE YOU, BUT THAT BITCH IS GONNA PAY.

YOU HATE ME, DOLLY?

HUH, DOLLY?

YOU DON'T LIKE ME?

>> WHY?! WHY!? WHY?!

>> HAPPIER IN THE STORE?

YOU UNGRATEFUL, STUPID RAG DOLL!

>> [ GASPS ] DAD, YOU'RE KILLING HER!

>> AND LET THAT BE A LESSON TO THE REST OF YOU!

SLEEP WELL, BABY.

>> I'M DANNY OCEAN.

AND FOR THIS CAPER, WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE THAN 11, 12, OR 13

GUYS.

SO, TEAM 1 -- BRAD PITT, MATT DAMON, DON CHEADLE,

CARL REINER, ELLIOTT GOULD, SCOTT CAAN, SHAOBO QIN,

EDDIE JEMISON, ANDY GARCIA, LEONARDO DiCAPRIO, BRUCE WILLIS,

VIN DIESEL, WILLIAM SHATNER, TOPHER GRACE,

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE,

ANTONIO BANDERAS, SAMUEL JACKSON, KURTWOOD SMITH,

BRUCE CAMPBELL, JACKIE CHAN, AND "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC -- YOU START

A FIGHT AT THE BAR.

THEN, TEAM 2 -- SYLVESTER STALLONE,

ERIK ESTRADA, DAVID LETTERMAN, VINCE VAUGHN, LEONARD NIMOY,

VLADIMIR PUTIN, FRANKENSTEIN, MY NIECE SUSIE,

KOKO THE GORILLA, PANDA WITH A MONOCLE, PETER PAN,

JOHN DENVER'S CORPSE, A MIME, SHERLAX, THE DEVOURER OF

WORLDS, AND RYAN SEACREST -- YOU'LL SLIP IN THE BACK.

ANY QUESTIONS?

>> All: NO!

>> THEN LET'S DO THIS.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] >> MAMA, WHY DOES GRANDMA WALK

SO SLOW?

>> BECAUSE GRANDMA'S OLD, HONEY, AND HER BONES ARE VERY BRITTLE.

>> MAMA, WHAT'S BRITTLE?

>> YOU KNOW, LIKE, UM, LIKE PEANUT BRITTLE, DEAR.

>> MMM!

YUMMY!

>> OH, HI, LITTLE ROSA.

OH -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

>> WHERE'S THE PEANUT BRITTLE?

I WANT THE PEANUT BRITTLE.

WHERE IS IT?

GIVE IT TO ME.

I WANT IT.

>> ROSA, NO!

PUT GRANDMA'S LEG BACK!

[ APPLAUSE ] >> YES! OH, YEAH!

DID YOU SEE ME ON TV?

I HAD THE ROUND OF MY LIFE.

>> YES, IT WAS GREAT, EXCEPT FOR ONE CRUCIAL ELEMENT.

YOU WEREN'T WEARING YOUR NIKE HAT.

>> OH, YEAH.

MY CADDIE PUT IT IN THE WRONG CARRY-ON BAG.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] YOU'RE NOT SORRY YET.

BUT YOU WILL BE.

>> HEY, WHAT ARE YOU -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> HOLD HIM DOWN!

>> NO! PLEASE!

>> WE OWN YOU, TIGER.

[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ] >> All: [ Chanting ] OWN YOU!

OWN YOU! OWN YOU!

>> THEY OWN ME. THEY OWN ME.

>> WHAT IS IT, HONEY?

>> I'VE FORSAKEN MY ROOTS.

I LET THE WHITE MAN OWN ME, BABY, BODY AND SOUL.

I'M NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF PROPERTY TO THEM.

>> SO WHAT?

YOUR ENDORSEMENT DEAL IS WORTH $105 MILLION, AND YOU'RE MARRIED

TO A BLOND HOTTIE.

AND, ANYWAY, AREN'T YOU MOSTLY CHINESE?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> OH, YEAH, YOU'RE IN THE SAND TRAP, BABY.

HOLE IN ONE! WHOO!

>> HELLO, MA'AM, DID YOU CALL ABOUT AN INTRUDER IN YOUR HOUSE?

>> [ Nervously ] UM...NO.

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR EYES, MA'AM?

IS THAT SOME SORT OF A TICK?

WELL, IF THERE'S NO INTRUDER, THEN I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

I'D GET THAT EYE CHECKED OUT BY A DOCTOR.

>> EW!

HE'S GOT COOTIES!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] >> WELL, THERE'S BLAH-BLAH WITH

THE BUDGET.

MY GOD.

[ SCREAMING ] >> THE CARRIER.

WHERE'S THE CARRIER?

>> DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL BE FINE.

>> CONTAGION!

>> [ SCREAMS ] >> IT LOOKS LIKE WE GOT IT.

>> [ SCREAMS ] [ SCREAMING ]

>> WE'RE TOO LATE.

>> ROGER THAT.

[ AIR WHISTLING ] >> DUDE, I GOT A SURPRISE FOR MY

DATE.

I CUT A HOLE OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF MY POPCORN BUCKET.

>> UH, THAT BUCKET'S EMPTY, DUDE.

WHERE'S THE POPCORN?

>> POPCORN?

>> HEY, DIANA, WANT TO FEEL MY PENIS?

>> EW.

WHY DID YOU COVER IT IN BUTTER?

>> W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "BUTTER"?

>> SHUT UP, GUYS.

THE TRAILERS ARE STARTING.

[ TIRES SCREECH ] [ ENGINE REVVING ]

[ AIR WHISTLING ] >> BOOM!

BOOM! BA-BOOM!

[ IMITATING EXPLOSIONS ] BLAM!

>> OH, THAT SUCKED!

>> GEEZ, TELL THE WHOLE THEATER, WHY DON'T YOU?

>> AMERICA WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME.

HOW COULD IT AFTER THIS DAY?

[ BONES CRACKING ] [ CLANG! ]

[ CLANG! ] >> HEY, MORE POPCORN, DUDE?

>> OH, THANKS, MAN.

I WAS JUST GONNA -- OH, SON OF A BITCH!

>> [ LAUGHS ] YOU TOUCHED MY JUNK.

>> YO, NICK, WE GOT TO GET OUR STEPS TOGETHER, DOG, OR WE'RE

NEVER GONNA GET OUT OF THIS LIFE, MAN.

>> YO, I STEP FOR ONE PERSON -- ME.

>> ♪ YOUNG BLACK PEOPLE ON A RHYTHM TEAM ♪

>> YO, I STEP FOR ONE PERSON.

>> I KNOW -- YOU.

YOU'RE DYING TO STEP FOR YOUR FRIENDS, BUT YOU'RE AFRAID YOUR

FRIENDS WON'T BE THERE TO STEP FOR YOU.

>> YO, MAN, STEP OFF.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

[ SOBBING ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> ALL RIGHT, HOMIES, LOOK LIKE WE GONNA HAVE TO DO IT WITHOUT

HIM, OKAY?

>> YO, IT'S TIME TO STEP UP FOR MY FRIENDS.

>> ♪ WE DRESS LIKE THUGS, BUT WE'RE KEEPIN' IT CLEAN ♪

♪ YOUNG BLACK PEOPLE ON A RHYTHM TEAM ♪

♪ WE DRESS LIKE THUGS, BUT WE'RE KEEPIN' IT CLEAN ♪

♪ YOUNG BLACK PEOPLE ON A RHYTHM TEAM ♪

>> LOOK, DUDE, NOW I PUT A HOLE IN MY SODA CUP.

>> DUDE, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE [BLEEP]

>> OH, HEY, COULD I HAVE SOME SODA?

>> SURE.

[ YELPS ] >> All: SHH.

>> HEY, HEY, HEY!

A PIC-A-NIC BASKET.

>> IT'S PRONOUNCED PICNIC, YOGI -- PICNIC.

>> HEY, MY LUNCH!

HEY.

>> OH, WE GOT TO RUN, YOGI.

[ PATTER! PATTER! PATTER! ] [ PATTER! PATTER! PATTER! ]

>> YOU'LL NEVER CATCH HIM.

HE'S SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR.

>> SURPRISE.

[ PATTER! PATTER! PATTER! ] >> NO, YOGI!

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] >> SHH.

I'M TRYING TO WATCH THESE TRAILERS, Y'ALL.

I'M JUST PLAYING.

YOU GO, TRAILERS!

AAH!

>> STANLEY KUBRICK'S "2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" IS ONE

OF THE MOST RESPECTED CINEMATIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF ALL-TIME.

FOR GENERATIONS OF AUDIENCES, IT'S ALSO...

BUT HELP IS ON THE WAY.

THIS SUMMER, CATCH A BRAND-NEW EDITION OF "2001," FEATURING

PLAYBOY CYBER GIRL ROBIN BAIN.

IT'S FULL OF STARS!

WOW!

>> YES, 148 MINUTES IS A LONG TIME TO WATCH CRAP FLOAT AROUND,

SET TO CLASSICAL MUSIC, BUT NOT WHEN ROBIN BAIN IS MOTHER

[BLEEP] NAKED!

>> SPACE SWIMMING'S THE BEST.

I'M GONNA HELP.

I LOVE COMPUTERS.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THIS.

I'M HELPING.

>> DAISY, DAISY, GIVE ME YOUR...

>> NAKED CARTWHEEL!

WHOO!

>> AND BEST OF ALL...

>> HI, FOLKS, I'M STANLEY KUBRICK, AND I APPROVE

OF THIS IDEA.

>> SEE?

"2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY."

>> WITH BOOBS!

>> WHOO!

LOVING MY LIFE.

>> GENIUS.

>> MASTERPIECE.

>> AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION OF "ROBOT CHICKEN,

THE CREDITS: THE MOVIE."

[ CHEERING ] >> OH, MY GOD, IT'S GONNA BE THE

BEST MOVIE EVER.

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.

>> THE BOOK WAS TOTALLY BETTER.

>> HOLD ON.

I WANT TO SEE THE CREDITS.