Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> KIDS, I'VE ENLISTED THE HELP OF SOME RAPPERS I FOUND ON THE

CRAIGSLIST TO EXPLAIN EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF RELATIVITY.

SO, COME ON IN, GUYS.

THIS IS THE CLASS.

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ] >> ♪ I'M "E," WHAT UP? ♪

>> ♪ AND I'M MC-SQUARED ♪ >> ♪ WE CAME TO RHYME, AND WE

CAME PREPARED ♪ >> ♪ YO, I LIKE THIS BEAT THAT

YOU'RE GIVIN' ME ♪ ♪ NOW TELL ME THE THEORY OF

RELATIVITY ♪ >> ♪ "E" STANDS FOR ENERGY,

SUCKA FOOLS ♪ >> ♪ IT'S NOT MEASURED IN WATTS,

BITCH, IT'S MEASURED IN JOULES ♪ >> ♪ LISTEN UP, CLASS, THE "M"

IS FOR MASS ♪ >> ♪ AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,

YOU CAN KISS MY ASS ♪ >> ♪ THE "C" STANDS FOR SPEED OF

LIGHT IN A VACUUM ♪ >> ♪ SO BACK UP, HOES, AND GIVE

US SOME ROOM ♪ >> ♪ AN INVARIANT MASS REQUIRES

REST ENERGY WITHOUT A HITCH ♪ >> ♪ WHICH MADE NEWTON'S SECOND

LAW AS IT APPEARS IN A NONRELATIVISTIC CLASSICAL

MECHANICS, BITCH ♪ [ RECORD SCRATCHES ]

[ AIR WHOOSHING ] >> EINSTEIN, MOTHER [BLEEP]

>> YO, WE ALSO GOT ONE ABOUT ALGEBRA.

>> YEAH.

A-SQUARED TIMES B-SQUARED EQUALS THESE NUTS, BITCH.

>> [ WHISTLING ] >> OW, OW, OOH, OW.

GOD, THOSE THINGS ARE ANUS-SHATTERING.

UH, AAH, OH.

OVERHEATED AGAIN?!

YOU CHEAP LITTLE RICE-BURNER PIECE OF CRAP.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

OH, YEAH.

THAT'S A WEIRD TRAFFIC MARKING.

WHOA! HOLY [BLEEP] OOH, OH, OW, OW, OW.

I CAN'T F-FEEL MY LEGS.

[ SIREN WAILING ] OH, OH, THANK YOU.

OH, OH, THANK YOU, BLESS YOU.

I NEED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU.

OH, AAH, OH, AAH, OH.

[BLEEP] THIS [BLEEP] GAME!

>> UH-OH.

MY WAR INJURY'S ACTING UP AGAIN.

[ BOTH LAUGH ] >> DO IT AGAIN, UNCLE GLEN.

>> [ LAUGHS ] MAYBE LATER.

UNCLE GLEN NEEDS A BEER.

[ GULPING ] AHH.

W-WHAT THE...

WHO ARE YOU?

>> REMOVING YOUR FINGER -- THAT'S A GOOD POWER, UNCLE GLEN.

I MUST HAVE IT.

>> [ SCREAMS ] >> KIDS, WHERE'S YOUR

UNCLE GLEN?

>> WE DON'T KNOW, MAMA.

>> HE'S GONE.

>> OH, HE MUST BE HAVING ONE OF HIS EXPLOSIVE-DIARRHEA ATTACKS

AGAIN.

>> [ FARTS ] UH-OH.

[ GURGLING, FARTING ] EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, THIS

POWER BACKFIRES.

>> I CAN SEE!

OH, MAGOO, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

WHAT ARE ALL THESE DRAGONS MADE OF ME--

[ HORN BLARES ] >> [ GRUNTING ]

>> [ GRUNTING ] >> MY GOODNESS!

FATHER, WHAT'S THAT?

>> IT APPEARS TO BE A JUNGLE-DWELLING APE-MAN.

>> YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.

I MEANT THAT!

>> OH, THAT'S A PENIS.

>> I THINK I LIKE PENIS.

>> WELL, YOU ARE YOUR MOTHER'S DAUGHTER.

>> JANE. ME JANE.

>> [ GRUNTS ] JANE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT! VERY GOOD!

>> [ GRUNTS ] JANE, JANE, JANE.

[ GRUNTS ] JANE.

>> YES! MY NAME IS JANE!

[ SCREAMS ] >> ME SAVE YOU.

[ BONES CRACKING ] >> TARZAN, MY HERO.

>> [ GROWLING ] >> [ GASPS ]

[ CRACK! ] [ BUZZING ]

TARZAN, MY HERO.

>> [ GROANING ] AAAAHH!

[ GROANING ] OOH --

AAAAHH!

[ GROANING ] [ CRACK! ]

[ CLANG! ] [ CRACK! ]

>> OOH!

>> TARZAN, DON'T MOVE.

I'LL GO GET YOU A DOCTOR.

>> NO, JANE, HUMANS BAD.

ME NO WANT DOCTOR.

ME NO WANT JANE, NEITHER.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] YOU MEAN "EITHER," NOT --

>> ME FREAKING APE-MAN!

ME NOT GIVE CRAP!

>> [ SOBBING ] >> TARZAN NEVER SAW JANE AGAIN.

HIS BROKEN BODY WAS MENDED BY THE BEST JUNGLE MEDICINE THE

APES COULD PROVIDE.

>> [ GROWLING ] >> UH-OH.

[ WAVES CRASHING ] >> HMM.

I WONDER WHERE THE OCEAN IS GOING.

>> WE, THE JURY, FIND THE DEFENDANT...DELIGHTFUL!

>> WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[ IRISH MUSIC PLAYS ] >> I FLOSSED AND BRUSHED MY

TEETH AGAIN.

THEY SAY, "ONLY FLOSS THE ONES YOU WANT TO KEEP."

I ALWAYS LIKED THAT JOKE.

THEN I SWISHED AROUND SOME MOUTHWASH.

KILLS GINGIVITIS.

DAMN GINGIVITIS -- LEADING CAUSE OF GUM DISEASE.

SAW AN OLD LADY TRYING TO CROSS THE STREET.

GRANDMA COULDN'T HAVE BEEN LESS THAN 90 YEARS OLD.

PROBABLY SEEN A LOT OVER THOSE YEARS, LOTS OF STORIES TO TELL,

AND A FAMILY THAT LOVES HER.

LET ME HELP YOU OUT, GRANNY.

[ TIRES SCREECH ] STOPPED THE CARS TO MAKE SURE

GRANNY COULD CROSS.

I'M WALKING HERE.

LOVE THAT LINE.

THEN I SAW SOME PUSSY THAT MADE MY HEART STOP.

PUSSY WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TREE.

>> [ MEOWS ] >> A LITTLE KID CRYING FOR IT.

POOR KID.

PROBABLY NOT OLD ENOUGH TO TIE HIS SHOES, AND HIS DAMN KITTEN'S

LIFE IS IN MY HANDS.

HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.

TIPPED THE BARISTA 5 BUCKS FOR MY SOY LATTE.

THESE LATTES ARE GOOD.

GOOD ENOUGH TO KILL FOR, BUT I'D NEVER DO THAT.

KILLING IS BAD, UNLESS YOU'RE KILLING GINGIVITIS.

[ BABY COOING ] >> 18.

19.

AND 20, OR ONE SCORE.

>> WHEW.

>> GETTING A GOOD ASS-KICKING IN HERE.

HEY, ROBERT E. LEE, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

WE STILL HAVE THREE SCORE AND SEVEN KICKS TO THE BALLS TO GO.

>> THIS IS A ROBBERY.

FILL THIS BAG WITH INCONSEQUENTIAL BILLS.

>> WOW, I'M GETTING ROBBED BY NICOLE RICHIE.

>> SHH. SHUT UP.

I WANT TO GO TO PRISON TO SAVE MY FRIEND PARIS.

>> FOR A ROBBERY?

THEY MIGHT JUST FINE YOU FOR THAT.

>> GOOD POINT.

>> STUPID CELEBRITY.

ARMED ROBBERY AND MURDER?

YOU'LL BE LOCKED UP FOR 45 DAYS.

>> AM I LOCKED UP?

PERHAPS IT IS YOU WHO ARE LOCKED UP, AND I AM TRULY --

>> SHUT UP, YOU BITCH!

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

AAH! SHE'S IN MY BRAIN!

>> NICOLE, IS THAT YOU?

>> PARIS!

I COULDN'T LET MY BEST BUD/MEAL TICKET ROT IN JAIL, NOW, COULD

I?

WINK.

>> BUT NOW WE'RE BOTH LOCKED UP.

>> DON'T WORRY.

I HAD AN ESCAPE PLAN TATTOOED ON ME.

>> I RECOGNIZE THOSE SYMBOLS.

>> THEY'RE WORDS, PARIS.

>> WHAT?

>> OH, YES!

OH, YES!

GIVE IT TO ME, GUARD.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

OH, YOU'RE THE RIGHT GUARD.

>> YEAH, THAT'S HOT, THAT'S HOT, THAT'S HOT.

>> YEAH, UNLOCK MY CELL, MY VAGINA CELL.

YEAH!

>> WHOO!

THAT WAS GREAT, LADIES, BUT NOW YOU GOT TO GO RIGHT BACK INTO

YOUR -- [ GASPING ]

[ COUGHING ] >> HEY, I FORGOT TO USE THE

POISON.

>> [ Whining ] OH, WHY DOES THAT KEEP HAPPENING TO ALL MY

BOYFRIENDS?

>> YOU SHOULD REALLY SEE A GYNECOLOGIST.

>> WE NOW CANCEL "CAVEMEN" TO BRING YOU BREAKING NEWS FROM

LYNWOOD PRISON.

NOTED CELEBUTARDS PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE HAVE ESCAPED.

VIEWERS WILL RECALL THAT NICOLE RICHIE IS THE DAUGHTER

OF FAMOUS MUSICIAN LIONEL RICHIE.

>> NICOLE, IT IS OVER.

YOU GOT NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN.

>> THE JOKE'S ON YOU.

I WEIGH 62 POUNDS.

I CAN GLIDE THROUGH THE AIR LIKE A SPIDER MONKEY.

>> UP, UP, AND AWAY, FALKOR.

>> NO!

>> YAY!

AAAH!

THAT'S NOT HOT.

>> MMM.

I COULD REALLY GO FOR ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.

WHERE IS OUR CABANA BOY?

[ FLIES BUZZING ] PARIS!

[ BOTH LAUGH ] >> OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN...

WITH MY VAGINA.

>> LAUGHING MAKES ME HUNGRY.

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.