Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ] >> OH, YOU IDIO--

>> ♪ LET'S GO, NERDS ♪ >> YEAH!

[ LAUGHS LOUDLY ] >> OH, MAN, SOMEONE PUT LIQUID

HEAT IN OUR JOCK STRAPS.

>> OH, IT BURNS!

>> [ LAUGHS LOUDLY ] >> WOW, STAN, YOU WERE

WONDERFUL.

>> [ LAUGHS LOUDLY ] >> YOU'RE THAT NERD!

[ GAVEL BANGS ] >> GENTLEMEN, YOU HAVE BEEN

CONVICTED OF ILLEGAL SURVEILLANCE, INVASION OF

PRIVACY, MULTIPLE COUNTS OF ASSAULT, IDENTITY THEFT, AND

RAPE.

YOU ARE EACH ORDERED TO SERVE NOT LESS THAN 44 YEARS IN

MAXIMUM-SECURITY PRISON!

>> [ LAUGHS LOUDLY ] [ GAGS ] OW!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] >> NE-E-E-E-E-E-RDS!

>> ARE YOU GUYS THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

>> THAT THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE?

>> NO. WE'VE GOT TO REACH OUT TO THEM.

AND THAT'S HOW CHEMISTRY WORKS.

SEE? IT REALLY ISN'T SO HARD.

>> YO, I'M SORRY FOR CALLING YOU A NERD.

CHANGED MY LIFE, DOG!

>> LEARNIN' IS FUN!

I LOVE LEARNING!

>> [ Thinking ] I'VE REACHED THEM.

I'VE REACHED THEM.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] >> [ LAUGHS LOUDLY ]

>> CONAN, WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?

>> ♪ WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE? ♪ ♪ THAT IS HARD TO SAY ♪

♪ FOR EACH MAN IS UNIQUE ♪ ♪ IN HIS OWN WAY ♪

AS A BOY...

♪ I LIKED GUMDROPS AND PUPPIES, SAILBOATS AND FROGS ♪

♪ AND MY BEST FRIEND, LITTLE RICKY MAEBIUS ♪

♪ BUT WHEN I BECAME A YOUNG MAN, WHAT WAS BEST IN LIFE ♪

♪ BEGAN TO CHANGE JUST LIKE MY BODY ♪

♪ I LIKED PRETTY STACY LYONS WITH HER LONG BLOND HAIR ♪

♪ AND EYES THAT WERE BLUE AS THE OCEAN ♪

♪ BUT NOW THAT I'M GROWN, MY THOUGHTS HAVE CHANGED ♪

♪ AND IT'S PRETTY CLEAR TO ME ♪ ♪ THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION,

"WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?" ♪ ♪ IS PLAIN ENOUGH FOR ALL

TO SEE ♪ ♪ CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES ♪

♪ CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES ♪ ♪ AND SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE

YOU ♪ >> ♪ CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES ♪

♪ CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES ♪ ♪ AND SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE

YOU ♪ ♪ AND HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF

THE WOMEN ♪ [ RUMBLING ]

>> [ ROARS ] DID THAT BLOW YOUR MIND?

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] >> WELCOME TO

THE STAR TREK EXPERIENCE HERE IN GLAMOROUS LAS VEGAS.

>> ONE, PLEASE.

>> THAT'LL BE $42.99.

>> HOLY CRAP!

IS THAT IN SPACE DOLLARS?

>> [ LAUGHS ] EXCUSE ME, BUT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS

SPACE DOLLARS.

PERHAPS YOU'RE REFERRING TO THE GOLD-PRESSED LATINUM, WHICH IS

THE UNIT OF CURRENCY COMMONLY -- OW! MY KNEECAP!

>> SO, $42.99.

>> WELCOME TO THE ENTERPRISE.

THE KLINGONS HAVE BEEN SIGHTED IN THE AREA.

>> FEAR NOT, MY DEAR.

THE REGULATION SNUGNESS OF YOUR UNIFORM HAS MY PHOTON TORPEDO IN

LAUNCH POSITION.

[ LAUGHING ] OH! OH! OH!

[ PANTING, MOANING ] HOO!

THERE'S A HAIR TRIGGER ON THIS FIRING MECHANISM, IF YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN.

>> ON MY COMMAND, R2-D2 -- HUAH!

[ FARTS ] FIRE LASERS AT PLUTO!

>> SIR, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM?

[ COUGHS ] >> OH, GEEZ.

BRIDGE TO SANITATION, SOMEONE TOOK A DUMP ON THE CAPTAIN'S

CHAIR -- AGAIN.

>> HEY, EDDIE, LOOK AT THIS.

DELLA REESE LOST 5 POUNDS.

GOOD FOR HER.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT EDDIE.

>> YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

>> RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

>> ATTENTION, ENTERPRISE.

YOU THOUGHT WERE CLEVER IN HIDING IN THIS PARALLEL

DIMENSION, BUT WE HAVE FINALLY FOUND YOU.

PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED.

>> AW, IS THIS IN THE SCRIPT?

I CAN'T AD-LIB, MAN?

I SUCK AT IMPROV!

>> DON'T WORRY.

I WAS A GROUNDLING.

♪ HM, HM, HMM ♪ MY CLEAN LITTLE HANDS.

♪ MM HM HM ♪ OKAY, LITTLE SPRINKLE OF FLOUR.

SHAKY, SHAKY, SHAKY.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> GONNA STIR...

>> WHAT?! ANOTHER ENTERPRISE?!

HOW CAN THIS BE?!

[ EXPLOSION ] ALL BORG, RETURN TO THE SHIP!

>> OH, CRUEL IRONY!

THIS IS RIGHT OUT OF MY FANFIC.

>> THANK YOU, PARALLEL-DIMENSION ENTERPRISE.

>> Both: YES, SIR!

>> OOH! OH, THEY'RE HOT.

CHOCOLATE-CHIP COOKIE?

>> I...

WHAT?

>> UH...

WHERE AM I?

H-HOW'D I GET UP HERE?

ARE YOU GUYS S.A.G.?

HELLO?

>> WHAT'S ON THE MENU TODAY?

>> I THOUGHT THE INMATES WOULD ENJOY A NICE CHANGE OF PACE.

BROCCOLI, BAKED BEANS, COFFEE ICE CREAM, AND RED BULL.

>> OH, MY GOD!

[ ALL FARTING, SCREAMING ] >> I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF

THAT SHOW.

DELETE!

>> HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> I DON'T WANT "ROBOT CHICKEN" ON THE DVR ANYMORE.

>> NO, I LOVE "ROBOT CHICKEN."

>> IT'S ALL FARTING AND RETARDS.

>> WELL, I LIKE IT.

>> TOUGH TITTIES.

>> ASS! WE SPLIT THE CABLE BILL!

>> TV DOESN'T HAVE TO BE STUPID.

IT CAN BE CHALLENGING AND EVEN BRAINY.

>> [ GUN COCKS ] YOU WANT SOMETHING BRAINY ON THE

TV?

[ GUNSHOT ] THERE!

HA HA HA!

OH. OH, MAN.

I AIN'T GOING TO PRISON.

[ GUNSHOT, THUD ] [ DOOR OPENS ]

>> OH, MY GOD! GARY!

ENRIQUE!

I BETTER CALL 911.

[ DIALING ] BUT I MIGHT AS WELL WATCH A

LITTLE "ROBOT CHICKEN" WHILE I WAIT FOR THE COPS.

[ ALL FARTING, SCREAMING ] >> DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE?

>> YEAH. THAT HALLWAY IS, LIKE, BIZARRELY HUGE.

>> THAT WAS FANTASTIC, DAVE.

TAKE FIVE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

MAN, I WISH HE WAS BETTER.

>> YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT TOO MUCH OF A PROBLEM.

I'LL GET ROSIE IN HERE TO ADJUST THE LEVELS AND SUCH.

IT'LL SOUND GOOD.

>> HEY, DID I TELL YOU?

I TOOK OUT ROSIE LAST FRIDAY.

>> REALLY? HOW'D IT GO?

>> SHE'S GOT 13 TOES.

>> WHAT?

>> I TOOK HER TO DINNER AND THEN INVITED HER BACK TO MY PLACE,

THINKING I'D GET A LITTLE PLAY, MAYBE A B.J. OR SOMETHING.

SHE SAID HER FEET WERE HURTING, SO I OFFERED A MASSAGE -- YOU

KNOW, LOOSEN HER UP A BIT.

SO I TAKE HER SHOES OFF, AND -- BAM! -- THREE EXTRA DIGITS

LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.

>> UGH. WHAT'D YOU DO?

>> PULLED OUT A KNIFE, CUT THEM OFF.

>> WHAT?

>> HA! JUST KIDDING.

I GAVE HER THE MASSAGE.

SHE FELL ASLEEP, PASSED OUT RIGHT THERE ON THE COUCH.

>> WHAT'D YOU DO?

>> TUCKED HER IN, LET HER SLEEP.

>> THAT'S IT?

>> WELL, FIRST I UNDRESSED HER AND TOOK SOME PICTURES.

>> [ LAUGHS ] OH, BOY!

DUDE, YOU GOT TO LET ME SEE 'EM.

>> I'LL SHOW THEM TO YOU RIGHT WHEN WE'RE DONE.

>> THEN LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

I HAVE BEEN DYING TO SEE WHAT ROSIE'S HIDING UNDER THAT

HUNTING JACKET.

>> HUH. WONDER WHERE HE WENT?

>> HE PROBABLY JUST STEPPED OUTSIDE FOR SOME AIR.

LET ME SEE THE PICTURES BEFORE HE COMES BACK.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ] [ NO AUDIO ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ] [ APPLAUSE ]

>> OH, MAN.

WHERE ARE WE?

CHAINED UP NEXT TO SLATER?

THIS REALLY IS A TORTURE CHAMBER.

>> HEY, WHERE'S SCREECH?

>> ALL IN DUE TIME, CHILDREN.

>> YOU JERKWAD!

>> WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH OUR FRIEND?

>> IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW...

>> LOOK AT ME!

I'M JESUS!

>> IN THAT CASE, GOD SHOULD DEMAND A PATERNITY TEST.

[ LAUGHTER ] >> SILENCE!

IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM IS A RED BUTTON.

PRESS IT, AND SAMUEL "SCREECH" POWERS WILL BE

TORN TO PIECES.

[ AUDIENCE BOOS ] >> NOW, WHY THE HECK WOULD WE DO

THAT?

>> PRESS THE BUTTON, AND I LET THE REST OF YOU GO FREE.

>> THAT'S AN IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE.

YOU'RE SICK!

>> SORRY. [ CHUCKLES ] IT'S KIND OF MY ONLY HOBBY.

>> WOW, THAT IS DEVIOUS.

KIND OF WISH I THOUGHT OF THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE GAME BEGINS...

NOW!

>> IF WE PUSH THE BUTTON, WE ALL GO FREE.

>> SLATER, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

>> JUST PRESS THE BUTTON.

YOU'RE MY BEST BUDS.

SAVE YOURSELVES!

>> OH, SCREECH.

>> FORGET IT, SCREECH.

ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL.

[ APPLAUSE ] >> CHILDREN, I FORGOT TO MENTION

SOMETHING.

IF YOU PRESS THE BUTTON, YOU ALSO GET FREE CORVETTES!

>> GET OUT OF MY WAY!

>> NOTHING'S HAPPENING?

WHY ISN'T HE DEAD YET?

>> NO!

>> WORK, DAMN IT!

>> HANG ON! HANG ON!

STOP HITTING THE BUTTON SO HARD.

YOU'RE BREAKING IT!

>> MAKE IT WORK!

>> I HATE YOU GUYS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MASTURBATED TO KELLY AND WANTED TO BANG LISA!

YOU SUCK!

>> YO [BLEEP] THE BUTTON.

JUST GIVE ME A BLUNT OBJECT.

I'LL BEAT HIM TO DEATH.

>> STOP! STOP! JUST STOP! STOP!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

W-WAIT A MINUTE.

IT'S ME! [ LAUGHS ] [ APPLAUSE ]

PRINCIPAL BELDING.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY PRISONERS.

THIS WAS JUST A TRUST EXERCISE TO HELP STUDENTS LEARN TO DEPEND

UPON EACH OTHER.

>> [ GRUNTING ] >> STOP! STOP!

STOP!

>> JUST SLIT HIS THROAT!

>> USE MY NAIL FILE!

>> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

[ BELL RINGS ] YES, SLATER?

>> SO, WE REALLY DON'T GET CORVETTES?

>> NO. ARE THERE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

>> ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!

>> ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS NOT PERTAINING TO CORVETTES?

>> AW, MAN.

>> I [BLEEP] HATE YOU GUYS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> ♪ SAVED BY THE BELL ♪

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.