Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> THERE'S 401k's, IRAs, ROTH IRAs, RETIREMENT FUNDS.

UH, WHAT IS IT?

[ LAUGHTER ] >> WE JUST FOOLING WITH YOU,

MAN.

>> MAN, WE POOR AS [BLEEP] [ LAUGHTER ]

RETIREMENT INVESTING.

OH, MAN.

THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.

>> AND HOW DID THAT JOKE MAKE YOU FEEL?

BEFORE YOU ANSWER, LOOK AT THIS JOKE.

>> THERE'S 401k's, IRAs, ROTH IRAs, RETIREMENT FUNDS.

UM, WHAT IS IT?

[ LAUGHTER ] >> WE JUST FOOLING WITH YOU,

MAN.

>> MAN, WE POOR AS [BLEEP] [ LAUGHTER ]

RETIREMENT INVESTING.

OH, MAN.

THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.

>> AND HOW DID THAT JOKE MAKE YOU FEEL?

ARE YOU LEARNING SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF?

BEFORE YOU ANSWER THAT, LOOK AT THIS JOKE.

[ LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS ] [ ROAR ]

>> AHHH!

>> WELL, IF MY CALCULATIONS ARE CORRECT, YOU HAVE AN ERECTION

AND REGRET THAT YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR GREAT-GRANDPARENTS.

>> OH, MY GOD, SAVE US!

>> RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

>> [ Sobbing ] NO!

AHHHH!

>> DAMN IT, NO! NOT THAT ONE.

THAT'S THE CLAW.

YOU DON'T NEED THE CLAW.

OKAY, EASE BACK ON -- NO!

DON'T TOUCH -- NO!

STOP!

OKAY, DON'T -- HANG ON!

GO LEFT!

LEFT, LEFT, LEFT!

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ TICKING ]

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOST THE BET AND HAVE TO SPEND THE NIGHT

IN THIS OLD HAUNTED HOUSE.

>> THAT'S AN ODDLY COMPLETE SUMMARY OF OUR PREDICAMENT.

>> UM, WE'RE GOING THIS WAY.

>> YEAH, TO HIDE THE PICKLE IN THE HAIR SANDWICH.

>> THAT JUST MEANS THEY WON'T GET INTO HEAVEN.

>> WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO FIND AN EMPTY ROOM TO MASTURBATE IN.

>> SWEET.

>> LOOK AT ME.

I'M FALL OUT BOY.

[ OFF-KEY NOTES PLAY ] >> [ LAUGHS ]

OH, DEAN, YOU'RE THE COOLEST.

>> WHOA!

>> DEAN?

DEAN?!

I'VE GOT TO GET HELP.

>> [ WHIMPERS ] RAPE GHOST.

>> WHAT?

>> RAPE GHOST!

>> [ SIGHS ] MAYBE THERE'S AN OLD MEDICAL

BOOK WITH PICTURES OF BOOBS IN IT.

AH!

WHAT?

HEY!

OH, OH, OH!

R-R-R-R-RAPE GHOST!

IT STOLE MY BLACK CHERRY.

>> OH, MY GOD.

WHERE'S TINA?

>> GEE, I HOPE THE RAPE GHOST DOESN'T GET ME.

OH.

[ ALL SCREAMING ] [ GHOSTLY LAUGHTER ]

WHAT'S BETTER THAN ROSES ON YOUR PIANO?

TULIPS ON YOUR ORGAN.

[ LAUGHING ] TOODLES.

COME BACK ANYTIME.

>> EVEN ME?

>> EW, NO!

>> [ MEOWS ] [ PURRING ]

>> TIMBER!

[ SCREAMING ] [ CRYING ]

>> WHY, SOMEONE LEFT THIS JOB HALF DONE.

CAN WE FIX IT?

>> YES, WE CAN!

>> AIN'T NOBODY FINISHING NOTHING.

>> I'M SORRY, WHO ARE YOU?

>> WE'RE FROM THE UNION, AND WE SAY YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT

EQUIPMENT FOR THIS JOB.

>> WE HAVE ALL THE EQUIPMENT WE NEED.

>> REALLY?

YOU GOT A TALKING BRIEFCASE FULL OF HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILLS OVER

THERE?

>> NO, BUT -- OH, OKAY.

THAT'S, YOU KNOW -- OH, WHOA!

HEY!

>> HA HA HA!

CAN I PLAY, TOO?

>> SURE, ASSHOLE.

HOPE YOU LIKE SMELLING WHAT YOU ATE.

[ SCREECHING ] [ WHIRRING ]

>> SPUD!

DON'T FORGET TO WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.

>> OH, THANKS, BOB.

>> WHEW! ROCK AND ROLL!

>> OH! OH! OH!

AHH!

>> NOW DIG THESE MOTHER [BLEEP] A GRAVE, SCOOP.

>> NO PROB, BOB.

[ CHEERING ] >> [ SNIFFS ]

EW, NEW JERSEY SMELLS LIKE BAD TUNA.

CAN WE GO HOME?

>> All: YES, WE CAN!

YAY!

[ SQUISHING ] >> SO, AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S 200

SQUARE FEET, NEW CARPETING, TONS OF SPACE UNDER THE BED, AND THE

BOY SCARES EASY.

>> DOES HE -- DOES HE WET THE BED?

>> LIKE A FAUCET.

>> I LOVE IT.

>> WE LOVE IT.

>> MY NAME IS SONNY, AND I'M CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS.

>> All: HI, SONNY.

>> YEP, NEVER MARRIED, NEVER HAD KIDS, BUT I'VE GOT MY TRAIN SET.

[ WHISTLE BLOWS ] ALL ABOARD.

WHOO-WHOO!

NEXT STOP, LONELYVILLE.

WHOO-WHOO!

HA HA. LUCKY? YOU BET.

WHOO-WHOO!

[ ALL SHOUTING ] >> [ LAUGHS ]

WHAT'S WRONG, COWBOY CURTIS?

>> I JUST FOUND OUT I HAVE CANCER.

[ ALL SHOUTING ] >> THAT'S OUR SECRET WORD OF THE

DAY.

>> PEE-WEE, PEE-WEE, SERIOUSLY.

HE SAID IT'S MALIGNANT.

>> WHAT'S MALIGNANT?

>> THE CANCER.

[ ALL SHOUTING ] >> EXPERIENCE MILITARY COMBAT

LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

THIS IS "INSIDE THE BATTLEFIELD -- THE WEATHER

DOMINATOR."

SEPTEMBER 10, 1984 -- MOTHER NATURE WAS ON THE RAG.

[ SCREAMING ] WAS IT MERELY HER TIME OF THE

MONTH?

>> BOW BEFORE COBRA AND MY WEATHER DOMINATOR, OR I'LL CRANK

UP THE HUMIDITY SO HIGH NO ASS CRACK WILL EVER BE DRY AGAIN.

AN ETERNITY OF SWAMP ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ] >> MY GOSH, THAT COULD SEND OIL

PRICES SKYROCKETING.

>> CAN YOU IMAGINE GASOLINE FOR OVER $1 A GALLON?

>> G.I. JOE, THE NATION'S ELITE ANTI-TERRORIST TASK FORCE WITH

THE NATION'S LEAST OPPRESSIVE DRESS CODE, LEAPT INTO ACTION.

ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, TWO TOP JOES WERE CAPTURED AND FORCED TO DUAL

IN THE COBRA SPORTATORIUM IN A DESPERATE BID TO DRIVE

CONCESSION SALES.

>> [ LAUGHS ] THAT WAS CRAZY.

IMAGINE IF THE NAZIS HAD CAPTURED EISENHOWER AND PUT THE

WAR ON PAUSE SO THEY COULD WATCH HIM FIGHT A MUTE DUDE IN A NINJA

OUTFIT.

NO OFFENSE, SNAKE EYES.

OH, GREAT, THE ETCH A SKETCH.

I CAN'T EVEN READ THAT.

>> MUCH LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS' FRAGILE PSYCHE, THE WEATHER

DOMINATOR WAS SPLIT INTO THREE FRAGMENTS AND SCATTERED AROUND

THE EARTH.

>> WHICH WAS KIND OF A SHOCKER.

THE COMPLEXITY OF A WEATHER DOMINATOR -- YOU'D THINK MORE

THAN THREE PIECES, BUT NO.

>> DESTRO, HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

>> LIKE THIS.

>> THUS WAS LAUNCHED A THREE-FRONTED BATTLE, ENGAGED

FIRST ON THE ISLAND OF NO RETURN -- TODAY A SANDALS

RESORT.

>> I SIGNED UP TO TRAVEL THE WORLD, PAY FOR COLLEGE, AND

SHOOT LASERS AT GUYS IN MASKS, WHICH HAD ALWAYS BEEN A DREAM OF

MINE.

THEN I HEARD WE WERE GOING TO THE ISLAND OF NO RETURN.

I MEAN, WHO THE [BLEEP] SENDS A 19-YEAR-OLD KID TO...

[INHALES] I MEAN [BLEEP] MAN.

>> SOME ATTEMPTING TO RETURN FROM THE ISLAND OF NO RETURN

WOULD FIND RETURNING DIFFICULT.

>> MY DEAREST CLARA, THIS IS OUR FOURTH DAY ON THE ISLAND OF NO

RETURN.

WE'VE BEEN CIRCLING AROUND, LOOKING FOR AN ION CORRELATER.

>> ...TO STOP COBRA FROM COMPILING THEIR WEATHER

DOMINATOR.

FOOD IS SCARCE, AND MORALE IS LOW.

BLAM.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT LAST PART.

>> THAT LAST PART WAS MORRIE GETTING SHOT.

>> OH, THAT MAKES SENSE NOW.

OH!

[ Crying ] OH, MORRIE!

NEXT, THE FIGHT FOR THE HYDROMASTER FRAGMENT ERUPTED IN

ANOTHER REMOTE LOCALE -- THE PALACE OF DOOM.

>> OTHERWISE KNOWN AS MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S HOUSE.

[ LAUGHTER ] I KID, BUT SERIOUSLY, DON'T

MARRY JEWISH.

>> ZARTAN, WE'RE LATE FOR SEDER.

>> KILL ME.

>> MEANWHILE, THE BATTLE FOR THE FINAL FRAGMENT LED TO AN

IMPROMPTU HOCKEY GAME.

>> THAT WAS THE MOST FUN I EVER HAD AS A JOE.

>> IT WAS PRETTY HILARIOUS.

WE SHOULD HAVE ALL BEEN COURT-MARTIALED.

>> FIRING LASERS AT THE LAST PIECE OF THE WEATHER DOMINATOR

WORTH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS -- WHOA, COBRA COMMANDER WOULD HAVE

HAD OUR NUTS FOR THAT.

AND SPEAKING OF NUTS -- >> SO COLD, SHRINKAGE ON AN EPIC

SCALE.

>> OH-HO, MY SCROTUM WAS LIKE THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.

>> I THINK MY TESTICLES MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY RETRACTED INTO MY

BODY.

IT WAS LIKE REVERSE PUBERTY.

>> I WAS QUITE COMFORTABLE.

>> A LAST-DITCH ASSAULT ON THE COBRA STRONGHOLD DECIDED THE

FINAL OUTCOME.

G.I. JOE HAD EMPHATICALLY PLANTED AN AMERICAN FLAG IN

COBRA'S ASS -- BOTH METAPHORICALLY AND, IN ONE

UNFORTUNATE CASE, QUITE LITERALLY.

>> WE FLEW IN, BEAT THEM LIKE MIXED-RACE STEPCHILDREN, AND

COBRA COMMANDER WENT TO PRISON.

AND HE PROMPTLY ESCAPED.

WHEW, BOY, THE OTHER COUNTRIES OF THE WORLD WERE PISSED.

THEY WANTED HIM PUT TO DEATH IMMEDIATELY, BUT WE KIND OF

DRAGGED OUR HEELS, AND BY THAT TIME, ZARTAN HAD BUSTED HIM OUT

WITH A WICKER-BASKET THING AND A REMOTE-CONTROL SNAKE OR

SOMETHING.

OH, GOOD TIMES.

GOOD TIMES.

OH, FOR GOD SAKES, JUST STOP IT.

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.