Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> IN A WORLD OF LOW EXPECTATIONS, MANY PEOPLE WILL

STOOP TO PLEASE THE GENERAL PUBLIC, BUT ONLY 17 WILL PUT ON

THE FAT SUIT!

>> DAMN!

>> NOW SEE THE MOVIE YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN...

>> I'M SLIDING!

>> ...100 TIMES BEFORE!

>> GIBLET GREENS!

>> COMPLETE WITH DANCING SCENES...

FARTING SCENES...

AND, OF COURSE, SEX SCENES, YEAH!

>> AIN'T YOU WANT YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHO'S HOT?

THAT'S ME!

>> IT'S THE SECOND BEST FAT-SUIT MOVIE IN AT LEAST FOUR MONTHS.

>> SO, YOU SEE, SHARING IS GREAT!

>> GA! GA! GA! GA! GA! GA! GA!

>> AW, CALL 911.

VICTOR'S STROKING OUT AGAIN.

>> HEY, BABY, BUY YOU A DRINK?

>> SURE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> BIG JIM.

>> THAT'S A REALLY INTERESTING NAME.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

>> WELL, LITTLE LADY, SINCE YOU ASKED...

>> ♪ BIG JIM! ♪ >> ♪ VICTORY MAN TO MAN WITH

THE BIG-ASS ACTION BATTLE PLAN ♪ >> ♪ BIG JIM! ♪

>> ♪ KICKING ASS WITHOUT A HITCH AND BEATING ZORAK LIKE A BITCH ♪

♪ WINNING EVERY ACTION MATCH, ZORAK MIGHT JUST HAVE A FLASH ♪

♪ ZORAK, WHAT A MEGA WUSS ♪ ♪ BIG JIM, YOU'RE A NINJA PUSS ♪

>> ♪ BIG JIM! ♪ >> YOU'RE UGLY!

[ LAUGHS ] BOOYA!

YEAH!

>> ♪ BIG JIM! ♪ >> WOW, YOU WANNA GO BACK TO MY

PLACE?

>> YEAH, SURE, BABY.

>> JUST LET ME DRAIN THE LIZARD FIRST, THE TROUSER TROUT, THE

LEGLESS IGUANA -- I'M TALKING ABOUT GOING TO THE BATHROOM REAL

QUICK BEFORE WE GET OUT OF HERE.

>> HELLO, PRETTY LADY.

>> OH, HELLO.

>> DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY CALL HIM "BIG JIM"?

[ WHISPERING ] IT'S A VERY IRONIC NICKNAME.

>> [ LAUGHS ] >> HOW ABOUT YOU, ME, YOUR

BED...

[ IMITATES SQUEAKING SPRINGS ] LOUD SCREAMS, GOD BEING CALLED,

EVERYONE SMILES?

>> [ GIGGLING ] >> ♪ FOILED BY HIS GREATEST FOE,

ZORAK IS A [BLEEP] BLOCK PRO ♪ ♪ BIG JIM! ♪

>> All: IF YOU DON'T BUY US, WE GET KILLED!

>> CHECK IT OUT!

I'M A MOM!

LOOK AT MY PRETTY JACKET BECAUSE I'M A LADY!

I'VE GOT BOOBS!

[ CRASHING ] OH, MY!

WHAT THE -- >> IS THIS YOUR MOM?

>> OW! OW!

>> IS THIS YOUR MOM?!

>> YES! YES!

I WANT MY MOMMY!

WHY?!

>> BRING IN THE HORSES!

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO!

AAH!

>> HA!

THAT'LL SHOW YOU FOR MAKING FUN OF MY BACKPACK -- OH, WAIT A

MINUTE.

THIS ISN'T BILLY'S PLACE!

>> ARE YOUR HIRED MERCENARIES NOT AS GOOD AS ADVERTISED?

WELL, COME ON DOWN TO DAVE'S MERCENARY WAREHOUSE.

WE KILL THE RIGHT GUY OR YOUR MONEY BACK.

>> [ SNICKERING ] WHAT I WANT IS THE COLOR OF

SNOW AND MAKE SNAILS UNDERSTAND DEATH!

>> AAH!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HERE IS THE SALT!

JUST ASK FOR THE SALT!

>> WHAT A GREAT DOUBLE DATE!

>> YEAH!

AND, OH, MY GOD, "GHOST RIDER" WAS EXCELLENT!

>> I REALLY SHOULD GET YOU HOME.

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FULL MOON TONIGHT.

>> OH, DAN, WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA TURN INTO A WEREWOLF OR

SOMETHING?

>> YEAH, THE WEREWOLF WHO BIT ME WAS PRETTY CLEAR ABOUT THAT.

>> DAMN IT, DAN!

IF YOU KNEW THERE WAS A FULL MOON, WHY'D YOU EVEN COME OUT

TONIGHT?

>> WELL, MY ROOMMATE BROUGHT HOME A GUTTER SKANK, AND I

FIGURED WE'D WALK OUT OF "GHOST RIDER" ANYWAY...

>> MAN!

[ WOLF HOWLING IN DISTANCE ] [ GUN COCKS ]

>> HEY! HEY! HEY!

>> RAMONA, HE WASN'T REALLY A WEREWOLF!

>> THAT DAN IS ALWAYS MAKING UP STORIES.

>> WOW, HE WAS REALLY CONVINCING!

>> HA, HE REALLY GOT YOU!

[ LAUGHTER ] >> BEST GAG EVER!

THAT WAS SO FUNNY.

>> HEY, AREN'T YOU DOUG FUNNIE FROM THAT SHOW "DOUG"?

>> YEAH.

>> OH, THAT'S AWESOME.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

>> NOTHIN'.

[ ICE CUBES RATTLING ] >> IT STARTED TO RAIN AT A

QUARTER TO 2:00 WHEN THE CHILDREN BOTH CRIED...

>> Both: WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO DO!

>> THEY PLAYED THEIR KERPLUNKAS AND SPUN THEIR SPINDADDIES.

WHY, THEY EVEN FOUND MOTHER'S VIBRATORATIES.

WHEN SUDDENLY THERE CAME A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

THE BOY NUDGED HIS SISTER.

>> GO GET IT, YOU WHORE!

>> SHE ROSE FROM HER SEAT AND WALKED TOWARDS THE NOISE.

>> WHO COULD IT BE?

>> SHE HOPED IT WAS BOYS.

BUT WHAT INTO THE HOUSE THROUGH THE FOG OH-SO THICK WAS A CAT

IN A HAT WITH AN ENORMOUS DICK.

HE SANG A SHORT SONG AND PLAYED A FEW TOOTS...

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE NOTICED POOR BOOTS.

THE BOY SEARCHED AROUND FOR A PEN AND A PAD.

>> THIS GUY'S A PRO, MUCH BETTER THAN DAD.

>> BUT BEFORE THE TWO CHILDREN COULD LEARN A NEW TRADE, THE CAT

PUSHED THEM OUTSIDE.

>> I'M TRYING TO GET LAID!

>> SO WITH NOWHERE TO GO BUT OVER THE HILL, THE CHILDREN SET

OFF FOR THE TOWN OF WHOREVILLE.

THEY PASSED A FEW VAGRANTS, A HOOKER, A CORPSE, TRYING THEIR

BEST NOT TO VOMIT, OF COURSE.

THOUGH IT GOT PRETTY HARD AS THEY PASSED BY A CAN WHERE A MAN

TRIED TO [BLEEP] OUT SOME BLUE EGGS AND SPAM.

FINALLY THEY ARRIVED AT THEIR MOM'S PLACE OF WORK AS A JOLLY

OLD MAN WALKED OUT WITH A SMIRK.

IT WAS ITCHY McGRAY WHO WAS THERE EVERY DAY.

AND THOUGH HIS DOCTOR SURE PLEADED, HE COULD NOT STAY AWAY.

HE HAD CAUGHT WHORE DISEASES.

HE HAD PICKED AT WHORE SCABS.

WHY HE EVEN PICKED UP A CASE OF WHORE CRABS.

BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE STARTED TO RUN 'CAUSE THE CHILDREN'S

DRUNK FATHER SHOWED UP WITH A GUN.

HE WAS MEAN. HE WAS MAD.

HE WAS SEVEN FEET TALL.

BUT THE BULGE IN HIS PANTS WAS TWO SIZES TOO SMALL...

WHICH MAY HAVE EXPLAINED WHY HE WENT ON A SPREE OF SHOOTING THE

WHORES AS THEY STARTED TO FLEE.

>> ONE BITCH!

TWO BITCH!

OLD BITCH!

NEW BITCH!

>> ...HE SAID WITH A LAUGH AS THEIR BODIES DID TWITCH.

HE STARED AT HIS WIFE AS HE SQUEEZED ON HIS GLOCK.

>> I KNOW IT'S YOUR JOB, BUT WHY'D YOU HOP ON MY POP?!

>> WE NEEDED THE CASH!

>> ...SHE SAID THROUGH HER TEARS.

>> AND BESIDES, YOU HAVEN'T TOUCHED ME IN YEARS.

BUT I'VE GOT JUST THE THING.

>> SHE KNEW JUST WHAT TO DO.

>> LET'S GO HOME RIGHT NOW AND MAKE THREE KIDS, NOT TWO.

>> AND SO THE KIDS' FATHER GOT HIS OWN WAY.

AND THE BULGE IN HIS PANTS GREW THREE SIZES THAT DAY.

AND THE LOW-INCOME FAMILY BEGAN LIFE ANEW, AT LEAST TILL NEXT

MONTH WHEN THE RENT WOULD COME DUE.

>> LION-O!

>> THE EVIL MUTANTS ARE COMING!

>> THUNDER!

THUNDER!

THUND-- >> OW!

>> SNARF!

OH, SNARF, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

>> LION-O, LISTEN CLOSELY, FOR THESE ARE MY DYING WORDS.

>> YES? YES?

>> SNA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-RF!

>> NO, NO TIME TO GRIEVE.

THOSE EVIL MUTANTS ARE ON THE WAY!

>> UH, WE MADE THAT UP.

>> YEAH, WE WERE KINDA JUST F'ing WITH YA.

>> OH, SNARF, YOUR FINAL RESTING PLACE WILL BE ON OUR MANTEL

WHERE WE CAN REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS.

WHERE SHOULD WE PUT THIS VASE NOW?

>> OH, ANYWHERE.

YOU DID A REALLY GOOD JOB STUFFING HIM, LION-O.

>> JAGA!

>> SNARF IS IN A BETTER PLACE NOW.

BUT YOUNG LION-O STILL NEEDS A NAGGING NURSEMAID.

>> AT LAST!

MY CHANCE TO DESTROY THAT ACCURSED LION-O HAS ARRIVED!

IDIOT!

THIS IS THE MAGIC CAULDRON!

THAT'S THE LAUNDRY CAULDRON!

[ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> GET OUT OF MY WAY!

>> GET OUT OF MY WAY!

I'M GONNA GET IT, YOU DUMB BITCH!

>> STUPID HEAD!

>> STUPID GIRL!

>> HELLO.

I'M MRS. MUMBLETY-PEG.

THE CATSITTING SERVICE SENT ME.

>> YOU'RE OLD.

>> YOU SMELL LIKE BUTTHOLES STUFFED WITH WET DOG.

>> CHILDREN!

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.

WASHY! WASHY!

[ HUMMING ] [ SNICKERING ]

LION-O, EAT YOUR VEGGIES!

>> MMM.

>> [ SNICKERING ] DOH!

[BLEEP] >> [ LAUGHS ]

>> IT'S MRS. MUMBLETY-PEG!

>> [ Muffled ] OH, COME IN.

I'M JUST TAKING A BATH.

>> OH!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BATHING, DEAR.

>> I AM.

GEE, FOR A CATSITTER, YOU DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT CATS.

>> OH, WOW!

UM...MRS. MUMBLETY-PEG NEEDS TO GO MASTURBATE -- I MEAN, UM, UH,

SEE, MRS. -- WHAT I MEANT WAS, MRS. MUMBLETY-PEG --

[BLEEP] IT, I'M'A GO MASTURBATE.

[ MUFFLED MOANING ] >> THAT'S MUMM-RA!

STOP RIGHT THERE, MUMM-RA!

OH, MY GOD!

>> I'M HAVING A PRIVATE MOMENT!

>> HE'S GETTING AWAY!

>> YOU STUPID THUNDERCATS!

I'LL BE BACK!

OW [BLEEP] NOT [BLEEP] AGAIN [BLEEP]

[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] OH [BLEEP]

>> OH, SNARF, EVEN IN DEATH, YOU'VE SAVED THE THUNDERCATS.

WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.

>> ON THE OTHER HAND, THAT THING IS REALLY UGLY.

UGH.

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.

>> [ HOWLING ]