Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ DRILL WHIRS ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ] >> CAN YOU SHOW US THE AREA

WHERE THE MAN TOUCHED YOU?

>> RIGHT HERE...

ON MY PENIS!

[ TOILET FLUSHES ] >> I GOT TO STOP EATING MACARONI

AND CHEESE WITH EVERY MEAL.

IT'S NATURE'S ASS CORK.

>> TINY, YOU'RE LATE.

YOUR TEAM NEEDS YOU IN BATTLE.

>> OKAY, HERE WE GO!

HO HO HO HO HO HO!

[ HEART BEATING ] >> All: OH!

>> TINY!

>> THAT IS TERRIBLY GROSS.

>> HOW EMBARRASSING.

>> WE'RE JUST CONCERNED, TINY.

>> YEAH, THE PROBLEM'S GETTING BIGGER.

>> LIKE YOUR STOMACH.

>> JUST LET ME EAT MY PIZZA IN PEACE.

>> THAT'S NOT PIZZA.

THAT'S THE CARDBOARD CIRCLE YOU MICROWAVE THE PIZZA ON!

>> OH.

[ ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYS ] [ GRUNTS ]

>> IT'S ZOLTAR!

OKAY, TEAM -- >> G-FORCE!

>> WOW, TINY, [GIGGLES] THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.

>> [ SPUTTERING ] YOU'RE MY HE-HERO!

>> LOOKS LIKE FATTY'S STEALING ALL OUR THUNDER.

>> YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

>> UH-HUH.

>> HEY, TINY, I THOUGHT WE COULD CELEBRATE TODAY'S VIC-- WOW.

OKAY, WE WERE NOT THINKING THE SAME THING AT ALL HERE.

>> HELLO, AND WELCOME TO "MYTHBUSTERS."

ON TODAY'S EPISODE, THE HOLOCAUST.

>> HOLD THAT THOUGHT, ADAM.

MYTHBUSTERS.

>> Please help!

My son won't stop masturbating.

I told him he'll go blind, but he says that's just a myth.

Is that true?

>> WE GOT ONE!

[ RINGING ] [ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

>> MASTURBATION DOES NOT CAUSE BLINDNESS.

THE ONLY CORRELATION BETWEEN THE TWO IS THAT SEMEN CONTAINS A

LARGE AMOUNT OF ZINC.

>> [ SCREAMS ] >> AS MUCH AS .25 MILLIGRAMS OF

ZINC TO ONE MILLILITER OF SEMINAL FLUID.

>> A DEFICIENCY OF ZINC CAN CAUSE BLINDNESS.

>> BUT THE LOSS OF ZINC THROUGH MASTURBATION ISN'T NEARLY ENOUGH

TO CAUSE A DEFICIENCY.

[ TIRES SCREECH ] [ DOORBELL RINGS ]

YOU CALLED ABOUT A MYTH?

>> YEAH, I THOUGHT WE JUST -- >> THERE'S NO TIME!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Both: MYTHBUSTERS, GO!

>> AAH!

I'M SORRY!

I SWEAR I'LL NEVER MASTURBATE AGAIN!

>> ANOTHER MYTH BUSTED.

>> Both: HERE ON "MYTHBUSTERS"!

>> OW!

MOTHER-- [BLEEP] PIECE OF [BLEEP]

[ ROARS ] >> ARE YOU TIMMY?

DAMN IT!

I'LL FIND HIM.

>> RUN, FOREST! RUN!

>> WELL, BLOW ME DOWN!

WHAT'S EVERYBODY DOING IN ME LIVING ROOM?

>> OH, POPEYE!

IT'S THE SPINACH.

WE THINK YOU'RE ADDICTED.

>> THOSE FOREARMS ARE GROTESQUE, SON.

IT AIN'T NATURAL.

>> ME SPINACH?

HA-GA-GA-GA-GA-GA!

IT'S SPINACH.

>> THEN HAND IT OVER.

>> WHAT?

[ GRUMBLES ] YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR

COTTON-PICKING MINDS!

YOU CAN'T TAKE ME SPINACH.

>> AAH!

>> POPEYE, ME BOY, FIGHT IT!

FIGHT IT, SON!

>> I CAN'T!

[ CRYING ] I CAN'T!

[ MUMBLING, CRYING ] >> SO WHY ARE YOU HERE?

>> I WANT TO DESTROY CITIES AND RID THE STREETS OF WEAPONRY.

>> YEAH, BUT WHY ARE YOU REALLY HERE?

>> I WANT TO BE KING OF THE MONSTERS.

>> THERE YOU GO.

NOW IF YOU STICK WITH ME, YOU'LL MAKE IT.

BUT YOU GOT TO UNLEARN THAT [BLEEP] THAT THEY TEACH YOU ON

MONSTER ISLAND NOW, 'CAUSE THAT [BLEEP] WILL GET YOU KILLED OUT

HERE.

>> I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO.

>> [ LAUGHS ] MY LIZARD.

NOW, HOW'S YOUR JAPANESE?

>> NOT THAT GOOD.

>> WELL, YOU LEARN THAT [BLEEP] THEN, BROTHER, 'CAUSE THAT

[BLEEP] WILL GET YOU KILLED.

THESE [BLEEP] OUT THERE BE PLANNING ALL TYPES OF [BLEEP] ON

YOU.

HEY, YO, MAZINGER, YOU GOT MY STUFF?

>> YO, WHAT YOU NEED, 'ZILLA?

CHECK IT OUT.

I GOT ROCKET-FIRING HANDS.

I GOT ROCKETS FOR YOUR SHOULDERS AND LEGS.

MY [BLEEP] IS TIGHT!

>> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WELL, ANYWAY...

>> WHAT DID YOU DO?!

>> JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE IN THE LINE OF DUTY.

>> NO, THAT WAS MURDER.

>> OPEN YOUR EYES, SON.

>> THAT MAN WAS YOUR FRIEND, AND YOU KILLED HIM LIKE A FLY.

>> WHY IS HE MY FRIEND, HUH?

BECAUSE HE KNOWS MY NAME?

MAZINGER SOLD GUNS AND ROCKETS.

THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT HIM, ANYWAY.

NOW GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR.

>> NO WAY, MAN.

I'M GETTING REASSIGNED.

>> WELL, YOU DO THAT.

YOU TELL THEM WHAT I DID.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, 'CAUSE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

KING KONG AIN'T GOT [BLEEP] ON ME.

>> [ LAUGHS ] >> ♪ DO DO DO

GOING TO WORK, HELPING THE ENVIRONMENT,

SAVING THE ECONOMY ♪ [ GLASS SHATTERS ]

>> SORRY, COUNCIL OF EVIL TABLES, YOUR VILLAINY STOPS NOW.

SO SAYS THE TABLE SMASHER!

[ ALARM BEEPS ] SO WE MEET AGAIN, SOUTH AFRICAN

OAK CONFERENCE TABLE!

RATS!

DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!

OH!

>> DON'T DO IT, TABLE SMASHER!

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THIS TABLE TOOK FROM ME!

>> IT AIN'T WORTH IT.

>> LIKE HELL IT AIN'T!

>> OH, LORD!

THAT WOBBLE'S NEVER GONNA GO AWAY.

>> GO AHEAD!

SLAP THE CUFFS ON ME.

I DON'T CARE.

>> I DIDN'T SEE NOTHING.

I DIDN'T SEE NOTHING AT ALL.

>> IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE, HE'LL WANT A GLASS OF MILK.

IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE SOME MILK, HE'LL WANT SOME MORE.

IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE MORE MILK, HE'LL DEVELOP A TASTE FOR HUMAN

BLOOD.

IF HE DEVELOPS A TASTE FOR HUMAN BLOOD, HE'LL BECOME A

VAMPIRE.

IF HE BECOMES A VAMPIRE, HE'LL HAVE TO MAKE SOME FOLLOWERS.

NOW IF HE MAKES SOME FOLLOWERS, THEY WILL NEED TO FEED.

IF THEY FEED TOO MUCH, THE NATIONAL GUARD WILL BE CALLED

OUT.

IF THE NATIONAL GUARD IS CALLED OUT, THEY, TOO, WILL BECOME

FODDER FOR THE VAMPIRES.

IF THE NATIONAL GUARD FAILS, THE PRESIDENT WILL CALL IN A NUCLEAR

STRIKE.

IF A NUKE IS DROPPED, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE.

AMERICA WILL BECOME A NUCLEAR WASTELAND AND COLLAPSE!

WITH NO ONE TO KEEP THE REST OF THE WORLD'S NUKES IN CHECK,

EVERY CRACKPOT NATION WILL LAUNCH THEIR OWN!

EVENTUALLY, THE ENTIRE EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED.

AND THAT'S WHY I HAD TO KILL DADDY.

HE WAS GIVING A MOUSE A COOKIE.

[ CHUCKLES ] SLEEP WELL, SWEETIE.

>> I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

"DID HE FIRE SIX SHOTS OR ONLY FIVE?"

WELL, YOU GOT TO ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION.

"DO I FEEL LUCKY?" WELL, DO YOU, PUNK?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DO!

HOT DAMN!

THIS MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY!

>> GET BACK HERE, PUNK!

I'M GONNA -- OOH!

AAH!

>> STOP RIGHT THERE!

>> DROP THAT BAG!

OW, OW, OW, OW!

>> I'M THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON THE PLANET!

I CAN'T BE STOPPED.

JUST CALL ME LUCKY McLUCKERTON.

♪ LUCKY, LUCKY, DOODLE-DO ♪ ♪ I HAVE LUCK INSTEAD OF YOU ♪

>> THERE HE IS.

DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!

>> GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

[ ELEVATOR DINGS ] >> REALLY GOOD DAY, REALLY GOOD.

REALLY GOOD BEING THOUGHT OF.

WHAT THE --?

AW, MAN, THERE'S A LEPRECHAUN ON MY SHOE.

>> HA!

GOTCHA, PUNK.

>> I'M COMPLETELY BUGGERED.

PLEASE HELP ME.

>> THE COW SAYS...

>> MOO!

>> [ LAUGHS ] >> YOUR MOM SAYS...

>> [ MUMBLES ] >> ...BECAUSE MY [BLEEP] IS IN

HER MOUTH.

GET IT, KID?

MY [BLEEP] IN HER MOUTH.

>> THIS IS BOB BARKER ENDING MY LAST SHOW, REMINDING YOU TO HELP

CONTROL THE PET POPULATION.

SPAY OR NEUTER YOUR PETS TODAY.

SO LONG, EVERYBODY.

HEY, PHIL, HAVE YOU SPAYED OR NEUTERED YOUR PET TODAY?

>> NAH, I'LL DO IT TOMORROW.

>> YOU REALLY SHOULD DO IT TODAY.

>> WHATEVER.

>> HMM...

I'D SAY THAT'S $30 FOR THE HEDGE CLIPPERS.

>> RIGHT.

>> $12.48 FOR THE HAIR TRIMMERS.

>> RIGHT.

>> AND $18.29 FOR THE CHLOROFORM.

>> RIGHT AGAIN, BOB.

[ ANIMAL SQUEALS ] >> I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!

ALL THOSE YEARS OF TALKING ABOUT IT, AND NOW I'M ACTUALLY DOING

SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

[ ALL HOWLING ] NO MORE HAIR BALLS FOR YOU.

>> [ SHRIEKS ] >> COME ON DOWN!

[ BELL RINGS ] >> THE HORSES ARE AT THE

STARTING GATE.

>> AND THEY'RE OFF.

>> WITH THE HELP OF FLOWERS AND SOME BARRY WHITE, WE HOPE JENGO

WILL FINALLY IMPREGNATE MING LI AND SAVE THE SPECIES.

>> YO, BOSS, THIS IS CRAZY.

WE GOT TO WATCH OUR BACKS IF WE'RE GONNA SAVE OUR SACS.

YOU GOT A PLAN?

>> [ GROWLS ] >> THE MYSTERIOUS CASTRATING

VIGILANTE HAS STRUCK AGAIN.

IN AN UNRELATED STORY, THE ANNUAL DOG SHOW STARTS TODAY.

[ TIRES SCREECH ] >> THIS DOG SHOW'S A NO-SHOW.

>> I EXPECT BETTER MANNERS FROM MY GUESTS, BOB.

>> YOU?

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GONNA SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE.

>> IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF THE PET POPULATION!

>> IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF THE PET POPULATION!

>> YOU KNOW, BOB, I HAVE TO HAND IT TO YOU.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> YOUR NUTS!

>> AAAAHHHHH!

HA HA HA HA HA!

I'M 83 YEARS OLD, STUPID.

I'VE BEEN SHOOTING DUST FOR YEARS.

BUT I WOULDN'T MIND A REPLACEMENT SET.

>> AH! MY NUTS!

>> YOU'RE IN DEEP TROUBLE, FRIEND -- BALLS DEEP.

SPAY OR NEUTER YOUR PETS TODAY!

>> [BLEEP] YOU, BOB BAR-- SNOOP DOGG, ROBOT CHICKEN.