Original subtitles

Turner entertainment group] [thunder]

>> aah!

>> it's alive!

>> ha ha ha ha!

>> morning bear, are you having Smoke sex?

>> uh, no.

>> [yawns] What a day!

It's exhausting being the ceo Of burger king.

[telephone rings] [beep]

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Damn it.

[telephone rings] [beep]

Hello.

Who is this?

I'm the ceo of burger king, you Know.

Dah!

[creak] What was that?

[creak] Who's there?

Whew!

Must have just been my-- Aah!

I'm flame-broiling in my pants!

Waahhh!

[crack] Oh! My arm!

Die, you son of a bitch!

Ha ha!

What?

No!

I've killed my only son!

If only philip had lived to Taste the triple bacon king

Burger now on sale at Participating locations.

>> the new triple bacon king Burger.

Spend your nights with the king.

>> oh, philip!

[urinating] >> hey.

>> don't cross the streams, man.

>> mein teacher?

>> yes, li'l hitler?

>> mein desk is small.

I need this polish boy's desk, Also.

>> everyone gets the same size Desk, li'l hitler.

>> ♪ li'l hitler Such a scamp ♪

>> ah, here it is, The book of your life.

>> wow!

Huh?

>> just ask the book any Question about your life, and

The answer shall be revealed.

>> uh...How many days did I Live?

Cool!

How many hours is that?

>> it's not a calculator.

This is the book of your life.

>> ooh, how many times did I Hear the song "I touched myself"

By the divinyls?

Huh...I thought it would be More than that.

>> why not ask the book about Your actions on earth and how

They impacted your loved ones?

>> in a minute.

Hey, book, if I made bricks out Of all the poop I ever pooped

Out and built a 6-foot high wall Out of the bricks, how long

Could I make that wall?

>> this is ridiculous.

>> book, tell this man how many Moments of happiness he gave his

Friends and family.

>> boring!

Book, could I have filled the Empire state building with my

Own poop?

>> don't answer that, book.

>> but I want to know.

>> no!

>> yes!

>> no!

>> yes!

>> that does it!

[thunder and lightning] >> 2.7 miles?

>> ha! I know!

>> now, class-- >> mein teacher?

I will need the czechoslovakian Boy's desk as well.

>> li'l hitler, where's little Polaski?

>> ♪ li'l hitler Always having fun ♪

>> cat court is now in session.

We will now hear the case of Garfield vs. Heathcliff.

>> I was in the funny papers 5 years before this lame

Knockoff.

>> judge, if I might.

I'd like to present this Affidavit.

Oh, sorry, your honor.

I'm on a lasagna diet.

I see lasagna, I eat it.

[yawn] >> aw, that joke sucks,

Even for you.

>> court agrees.

That joke sucked.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are at A standstill.

There's only one fair way to Settle this argument.

Cat fight!

>> you want a piece of me?

Come on, fat boy!

>> come and get it, cat.

>> rreoww!

Open your eyes all the way, You lazy [bleep].

>> I'm gonna start calling you "Monday."

I hate mondays.

[shouting] >> oh, ooh, I real--

>> I'm dying!

I'm so cute and I'm dying!

Aah!

>> eat it, eat it!

Die, die!

>> enough.

We have a champion.

The court rules in favor of Garfield.

>> ptui!

>> oh!

Heart...Attack...

From decades...Of only...

Eating-- >> I'm sorry.

I just couldn't take another Freaking lasagna joke.

>> oh, gods be praised, I'm Free!

Free!

>> up next, cat court hears the Assault case against chester

Cheetah.

>> he hankered for a hunk of my Ass, yahoo!

>> uh-oh.

[organ music playing] It's no big deal.

It's probably not even Quicksand.

I'll have a good laugh about This tonight with the guys.

Ha ha ha!

[organ music] Well, this is just [bleep]

Perfect!

Stupid quicksand!

Stupid jungle!

I want to bite someone in the Face!

Mother[bleep]!

Mother[bleep]!

Mother[bleep]!

Ah, [bleep]!

You stupid jungle!

Ah, [bleep]!

[organ music] Are you there, god?

It's me--giraffe.

Listen, if you would just give Me a mulligan on this quicksand

Thing, I promise, I promise no More peeing on your shorter

Creatures.

Deal?

[organ music] [sobbing]

[organ music] [sobbing]

Mommy.

[organ music] You know something, I'm cool

With this.

I'll bet heaven has all the Tender leaves I can eat

And everyone gets their own Slurpee machine.

Yeah, take me sweet death.

I await your loving embrace.

[splat] What?

I think I hit the bottom.

[bleep] [squeak squeak]

>> well, what's going on here?

[slurp] >> it's not my problem.

[sighs] Now it's my problem.

>> ♪ li'l hitler I'm [indistinct] ♪

>> look sharp, team.

>> remember, my x-men, use Extreme caution.

This is your most dangerous Mission yet.

>> right, professor.

[zap] >> oh, is it ok if I delete real

World road rules challenge off The tivo, because it's been a--

Wow!

I'm going to need some new Students.

Welcome, recruits.

Though we've had to lower our Standards thanks to a shortage

Of actual mutants, the dangers You'll face are no less real.

You'll be defending a world that Hates and fears you.

>> what?

Hate and fear us because we're Mutants?

>> no, because you were in the "Police academy" movies.

[squeak squeak] What the hell is wrong with this

Chair?

And it seems we're missing one Recruit.

[airplane] >> sorry I'm late.

>> mahoney!

This is the danger room, the Ultimate training facility.

You never know what you might Face: killer death rays, flying

Buzz saws, inflatable ... Bags.

Let's begin.

>> hello, my ruba brother.

I'm lardell jones.

Destroy all humanoids.

>> excuse me, um...

Please, stop that.

>> you're an x man.

Act like one.

>> who wants a piece of me, Dirtbag!

>> for heaven's sake, get that Body to the morgue.

Move it, move it, move it!

>> hightower, we haven't got all Day.

Well, that's horrifying.

Recruits, these battle outfits Are stylish,

Temperature-controlled, and best Of all bulletproof.

>> awesome!

>> tackleberry, no!

>> of course, they can only Protect the parts of you they

Actually cover.

[squeak squeak] Stupid chair.

Hey! You!

It's been you all along!

>> huh?

>> try making your cute sound Effects with a telepathically

Erased brain.

[choking] >> ha!

[squeak squeak] Uh-oh.

Welcome new graduates of xavier School for gifted youngsters.

>> he's in for a surprise.

>> as x-men, you now carry the Great responsibility--

[zipper] Some mischief maker has gone to

Great lengths to hide a Prostitute under my podium.

Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed From the waist down and her

Enthusiastic efforts are quite For naught.

As I was saying, the x-men-- I didn't say stop.

>> look sharp, team.

>> remember, my x-men, Use extreme caution.

Oh, well.

Same time next week?

>> ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah Rowitookidom boom boom boom

[squeak squeak] Rrr! Rrr! Rrr!

Boom boom boom Rrr! Rrr! Rrr!

Shake it.

Robochicken?

Yeah! ♪ [captioning made possible by

Turner entertainment group] [captioned by the national

Captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--]