Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

Robot chicken 32 veggies 4 sloth >> ha ha ha!

[tools whirring] It's alive!

[tools whirring] It's alive!

[captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group]

[toilet flushes] >> ok, everyone out.

I got to drop A whole fudge cake.

>> [crying] [wind blowing]

>> andrew lloyd weber's "The beastmaster" is broadway's

Newest smash sensation.

>> ♪ I'm dar, the beastmaster ♪ >> david hasselhoff returns to

Broadway as dar the beastmaster.

>> ♪ I seek vengeance against The cult leader

I'm dar the beastmaster ♪ >> ♪ I'm a little slave girl ♪

>> country singer faith hill Stars as kiri.

>> ♪ is there no one for me? ♪ >> ♪ I'm the beastmaster

My friend's a black panther Your thoughts are on

Bestiality ♪ >> nathan lane and matthew

Broderick are reunited as the Twin ferrets kono and bono.

>> hey, kono.

>> hey, bono.

>> where's frono?

>> you don't know.

Hakuna matada!

>> and the original tap-dancing Kid, alfonso ribeiro,

Is a panther named panther.

>> ♪ these claws of mine Dig into you

When I make love to you ♪ >> ♪ I'm gonna throw your baby

In the fire ♪ >> kiss rocker gene simmons

Makes his broadway debut as max.

>> ♪ 'cause I'm a cult leader Follow today

A cult leader I'll make you pray to me

Cult leader ♪ >> ♪ it's the law of the jungle

It's l-o-v, love Beastman and girl

Together in harmony ♪ >> I'll get you, beastmaster!

Together in harmony ♪ >> I'll get you, beastmaster!

>> thank you. It is an honor To have won the tour de france

For a seventh time!

>> [speaking french] >> lucky seven! You know,

I've made a bet With your president chirac that

I would win this race 7 times And break the all-time record.

In fact, president chirac Bet me all of france

That I couldn't win 7 times.

He even got all his government Officials to sign this document

Making me the super-president Of france.

Go on and say it, You little weasel.

>> uh...[speaking french] [onlookers gasp]

>> that's right, all you little Pepe le pews--lance armstrong

Is large and in charge!

Bring her down, boys.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Super-president! Ha ha!

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Back up.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Who's this bitch?

You half-smiling at me?

I'll give you something To half-smile about.

Half a set of balls In your mouth.

How do you like that, mona lisa?

I'll make you moan.

You laughing at my balls?

I'll tell you something Right now, baby.

I beat cancer.

I'll beat the [beep] Out of you.

You got grey poupon.

I'll poop on you.

>> mon dieu!

>> oh, god, I'm lonely!

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Where's frogette? Frogette!

>> was it no good, Super-president armstrong?

>> oh, no, baby. All those Years on that bike seat.

Come on, baby.

You got to do it hard!

Oh, come on. I want to Cross that finish line!

Cross that finish line.

>> that's right, lance.

We're going to cross That finish line.

>> what this "We" [beep]?

>> hey, baby. Merry christmas.

Yes, I know I said I'd stop Calling, but it's the holidays,

And I just wanted to say How happy I am that you

Found someone new.

Is he there right now?

Oh, the whole family Is there opening presents.

Well, that's just great, because I have a present for you.

[sawing] >> oh, my god!

>> santa?

>> uh! Delores! How could you?

>> honey!

It's not what you think.

We're just, um...

We're role-playing.

Wow. You just earned 50 experience points.

>> wow! Can I play?

>> no.

>> oh...

>> oh, dear!

Our fleet is being destroyed!

>> will help ever arrive?

>> ha ha ha ha.

Did someone call for a hero?

>> oh, thank goodness!

[beep] Rogers is finally here!

>> what did you just call me?

>> [beep] Rogers.

>> my name is buck, buck rogers.

>> they're almost through The south defenses.

[beep] Rogers, we need Your help immediately!

>> it's buck!

>> my name is buck, not [beep]!

What's with you aliens?

>> [beep] >> it's buck! Damn! What the--

It's buck, buck, buck, buck!

>> what are you talking about?

I've been shot! [beep] It hurts!

>> welcome, [beep].

>> it's buck!

>> that does it!

>> wait! Aah!

>> [beep] You! [beep] You!

[beep] You! [beep] You!

>> you really told All the aliens that

Buck's name was [beep]?

>> I was attempting Human comedy.

>> [cheering and applause] >> eee!

>> oh! Oh, my honey!

It still counts, right?

>> darling!

It's not what you think.

We were just role-playing.

>> uh, yeah, I know.

>> betty, can you believe We're going to paris

For our senior class trip?

>> oui, veronica.

>> but look. Poor archie Must be on a senior drug trip.

>> jeez, archie. You're supposed To slip the g.H.B.

In the girl's drink, Not take it yourself.

Ha ha ha. Date rape.

[tires screech] >> [screaming]

>> oh, my god! [bleep] >> gang, it was a vision.

We have to get off this bus, Or we'll all die!

>> only veronica can get me off.

Ha ha! Slut.

>> now that we're not going To paris, we can all go inside

And read the novelization Of "Final destination"

By author david mcginty.

>> miss grundy!

>> did I miss the bus to france?

>> that bus wasn't short enough For you, moose.

Ha ha. Dumb-ass.

>> why do we keep Hanging out with you?

>> [gasping] >> well, it wasn't exactly my

Vision, but they sure are dead.

>> even when archie has A vision, he screws it up.

>> I'm worried. What if you Can't avoid the grim reaper?

>> who's he? He sounds dreamy.

>> blondes are dumb whores.

>> [laughter] >> stereotype.

>> another day, Another sandwich in the shower.

Hee-hoo!

I hate me.

How do I eat so much And stay thin?

Here's my secret.

[gagging] Go down the drain, will you?

>> if I catch the prick who Keeps moving this apostrophe,

I'm gonna cut him up And [beep] On him

And [beep] Him and murder him!

>> listen, death is stalking us According to where we were

Sitting on the bus.

>> superfluous black character!

>> my name is chuck.

>> why would death follow Mr. Wetherby's seating chart?

>> I don't know, blondie.

Why would martians spend Millions of years waiting

To attack when they could Have just been living here,

Or bother to find out If something in the air

Would make them sick?

>> you better have finished Your haikus on death

For english class tomorrow.

>> oh...

>> lesbian.

>> come with me, archie.

I'm sweet and innocent.

>> come with me, archie.

I'm rich and easy.

>> hmm...I choose...

[horn honks] Still deciding...

>> duh, miss grundy, What's a haiku?

>> it's a kind of poem.

>> duh, what's death?

>> oh, moose, just make yours About football.

>> duh...

>> no child left behind.

I've been teaching these same Nitwits for 40 years.

I've been teaching these same Nitwits for 40 years.

Moose!

>> duh! Miss grundy?

>> help me, moose!

>> duh!

Duh!

>> moose, you stupid mother-- >> uh-oh. Duh, miss grundy?

Duh!

>> poor moose. The gas chamber.

>> I'm a rich republican, But even I felt bad when

He said, "Me take nap now."

Death, I will pay you One million dollars if you

Take these 2 assholes first.

>> I thought I was Important to you.

>> go take betty on a date...

In hell!

>> [slurping] >> who charged a million dollars

To the family gold card?

[glasses clink] [chicken clucking]

[captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group]

[captioned by national Captioning institute

--www.Ncicap.Org--] [beep] You! [beep] You!

[beep] You! [beep] You!