Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

[drill]

- it's alive!

[cell phone ringing]

- pac?

- biggie!

[gunshots]

- good morning, betsy. How's it coming?

- huh? What do you think?

- it's...A little gay.

Hey again, betsy.

What's the new idea for today?

- [laughing]

- you crazy, girl. You crazy.

Ok, betsy. What can You show me today?

- well...

- ah, crap.

And I guess it'll have to do.

- [squeaking]

- excuse me, miss.

- whoa. Aren't you That subway guy

Who used to be a big, fat slob?

What's the name...Jerry?

- jared. Hi. Uh, Is there a restroom here?

[snoring]

Uh, I must've passed out From the strain

Of pushing that enormous log Out of my butt.

Did my dookie fumes Clear out the whole bakery?

I'm locked in! I'll be here all weekend

With nothing to eat but--but...

So...Delicious.

No! I must stay on my diet.

I'm a corporate spokesman. Hero to millions.

I must--I must....

[howling]

[sighing]

[fart]

- my bakery! It's ruined!

I only locked up 10 minutes ago!

I'm calling the police.

- wait a minute.

You don't have to Call the police.

We can work this out like--

- ugh!

- ...Missing since Last tuesday...

- one, two-who...

[piano playing]

- I want to see other people.

- rahh!

- december 24, 4:30 pm, Christmas eve.

A time for joyous celebration.

A time for gift giving, For peace and love.

A time for murder.

It was the christmas That made everyone cry--

Except for maybe the jews,

But when the evidence Pointed to murder,

The question on everyone's mind Became "Who killed christmas?"

- bleech!

- perhaps no one can Shed light on this mystery

More than martha claus,

The victim's wife of 43 years.

- we stayed together mostly Due to licensing issues.

I doubt he would've gotten Any sponsorship deals

If he were a divorced single man Living with a bunch of elves.

They'd think he was gay.

- crushed by grief,

The widow claus has kept A low profile since the murder.

But not all was warmth and love At the north pole.

Deep inside santa's Fabled workshop,

Discontent had begun to spread

Among the androgynous Elvin workforce.

- it was all about The coke, man.

Santa had us elves hide the blow In the crappy wooden toys.

Then he'd make the drop...

- give it to me! Toy! Gimme, gimme toy!

Give it to me! Toy! Gimme, gimme toy!

- and the sale was complete.

- ooh.

- he tried using some different Ways to sneak the product in.

[popping noise]

You ever see a yeti when A dozen condoms of coke

Burst in his belly?

- [roaring]

- aah!

- it's a bad scene, man.

- were the allegations true?

Santa claus an international Drug peddler?

- drugs, that wasn't no secret.

But I'll tell you what the fat Man's real problem was--

When some of the shipments

Started to turn up A little light.

Follow me? Somebody started Having little private parties,

You know what I'm saying? I think you do.

As for who, well you ever wonder How his nose got so red?

- punishment was swift

For anyone who dared Cross the boss.

- happy birthday!

- for anyone caught being Naughty at the north pole.

- happy birthday--ooh!

[crying]

-who killed santa claus?

A neglected housewife? Columbian drug runners?

Some retard snowman?

We may never know Who killed santa claus,

But whoever did Is still out there...

Watching, waiting.

Who's next? The eater bunny? Cupid?

That lucky charm's cereal guy?

Who's to say?

But when it does happen,

"Unsolved case files" Will be there to make a buck.

Next time on "Unsolved case files,"

The taco bell chihuahua's Castration...

Simple neutering or hate crime?

- yo quiero my nuts!

- come and get some!

- [screaming]

- what's wrong, herman?

- ooh, I'm constipated, pickles.

Do you have anything That you can give me for that?

- yeah.

- ugh!

- side effects may include

I just kicked your [beep] Ass!

-brandon, you are so grounded.

- "Jaws" was a masterpiece Of suspense and terror

Because of how little You saw the shark itself,

But that's not the way I wanted it.

The damn mechanical shark Didn't work.

As a result, I had to release a movie

That was only a quarter done.

Now, thanks To computer graphics,

I can bring My true vision to life.

- $10,000 for me by myself.

For that you get the head, The tail, the whole damn thing.

- I say we let him go.

- get out of the water!

- "Jaws: the special edition,"

Features over 100 altered scenes.

- there he is, chief! Throw it! Throw it!

- you actually get a feel For the shark's personality.

- you missed me, You dried up douchebags!

- ow! My tibia!

- ah, you bastard! Ah, you bastard!

- trust me, this is A whole new set of "Jaws."

- smile, you son of a bitch.

[boom]

- everyone's playing The brand-new game

That's fur-ociously fun.

- yeah! - yeah!

I'm having fun!

Uh-oh. Euthanasia.

- euthanasia!

- ♪ euthanasia Makes you kill your pets ♪

- the circle of life Has never been this exciting.

- what am I gonna do With all these kittens?

- [meowing]

- euthanasia!

- ♪ laugh and learn Because it's life or death ♪

- my pit bull ripped A face off a toddler.

- time to put him down.

- I can retrain him.

- no. Euthanasia! - no. Euthanasia!

[ragtime tune playing]

- my father has been kidnapped

Because he refuses to pay Protection money

To a bunch of thugs!

- ugh.

- sorry, lady, we're Gonna pass on this one.

- but--but...

[crying]

- all right. Who's our Next appointment?

- my father has been kidnapped

Because he refuses to pay Protection money

To a bunch of thugs!

- lady, you just hired The a-team.

- I ain't flying, hannibal. No way, no how.

- that's sounds perfectly Reasonable, b.A.

Now calm down and have Some nice milk.

- glug! Glug!

[burps]

Mmm. Milk.

Good for the bones. Good for the kids.

I pity the fool Who ain't go no Calcium in his diet.

- murdock, we drugged the milk!

- you know, Years of drugged milk

Can have unfortunate Side effects.

- oh, yeah? Like what, murdock?

- severe lactose intolerance.

- [farts] I don't like cheese.

[farts]

- can you roll down the windows

In a helicopter?

- [farts]

- this is gonna be a long trip.

- I want my rubber duckie.

- ok, face, Infiltrate the office

And steal their files.

- easy as pie.

Greetings. Is this Where the thugs

And/or criminals hang out,

Because I, too, Am a thug and/or criminal.

- holy crap, it's face man From the a-team!

- get him!

- hannibal, they're onto us!

[gunfire]

- easy, boys. We surrender.

- we're gonna come back

- and deal with You heroes later.

- all right. Let's assess The situation.

- I found a lawnmower.

- I found some thimbles.

- I found jesus!

- let's show these punks What it means

To mess with the a-team.

- [kissing]

- ok, gang.

Let's get froggy On these tadpoles.

[boom]

[gunfire]

Now, are you gonna leave That old man

And his daughter alone?

- yes! For god's sake, yes!

- that's all I needed to hear.

B.A., do the honors.

- I'm gonna fly you out On knuckle airlines.

First class. Ugh!

- my azaleas!

- a-team, you did it.

You saved Our family business.

- it was our pleasure.

Oh, and by the way, That'll be $50,000.

- $50,000?

- our whole business Is only worth 10,000!

We're ruined! Ruined!

- I love it when A plan comes together.

- you guys are great.

- [all talking at once]

- [clucking]

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Captioned by the national Captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

- [monkey sounds]