Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

[power tools whirring]

- it's alive!

- mm! Oh, no! Ohh!

- ahhhhh...

Yeah.

You're a bitch.

- ha ha ha! Sorry, little girl,

But queen beryl Needs your life force

In order to take over The planet earth.

Ha ha ha!

- serena, change Into sailor moon, quickly.

- right. Moon. Prism. Power.

Ohh...

In the name of the moon, I will punish--

Oh, my god.

- ha ha ha! Hmm!

What? What is it? Oh, man! Oh!

I--I don't know Why that happened.

- jeez. - I'm so sorry.

That is so disrespectful of me.

You are pretty hot, though.

- should we still fight?

Because I don't really Want to anymore.

- um, you know, the moment Has definitely passed.

- all right. See you next time.

- yeah, sure. Ok. Another time.

- aw, yeah, man. I am ridged for her pleasure.

- big talk for a virgin.

- if I poon enough noobs, I can raise my rank

In the server from 3 to 1.

- be our 99th caller right now

To win our "Mission: impossible 3" contest.

- ooh, ooh.

[telephone rings]

- hello. You're our 99th caller. - excellent!

- you win your choice Of a gameboy advance

Or a date with "M:I 3" star Scarlet johansson.

- can I have both? - no.

- do I have to choose right now? - yes.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh...

Ooooohhh...

Ummmmmmmmm...

Uhhhhhhhh...

Ummmmmmmmmmm...

Ohhhhhhhhhhh...

Uhhhhhhhh...

I guess I choose Scarlet johansson.

[piano playing Fifties rock-and-roll ballad]

- look. Can't I just roll down The window and shake his hand?

- no. The contest Specifies lunch.

- crap in a hat.

- so do you ever play the sims?

I made a scarlet johansson sim, And she lived in my house,

And sometimes we went In the hot tub together,

But I forgot to buy A fire extinguisher,

So there was a grease fire In the kitchen,

And scarlet died.

- mm-hmm. - give us all your money.

- aah! Leave us alone, You hooligans.

Hi-jah! Ki-cha!

- he fights like a tiger.

- let's get out of here.

That was so stellar.

- gary is totally Gonna score now.

- you--you saved me. You're my hero.

- [slurp]

Mmm...

- do you take this be'hom To be your be'nal?

- hi-jah!

- a-goo. Goo goo goo.

- scarlet, my love,

There's something I must tell you before I die.

- what is it, my love?

- I staged the whole fight On our first date.

I won your heart Under false pretenses.

- [gasp] Oh, thank god.

I have something To tell you, too.

I'm not really Scarlet johansson.

I was just a professional Scarlet johansson impersonator.

Ahem.

[deep voice] My real name Is raymond dibonatello

From queens, new york.

- [gasp]

That explains Why scarlet johansson

Had a giant johansson.

[rapid beeping]

[long beep]

- oh!

[sobs]

Oh, go in peace, my angel.

[sobs]

- queen beryl, I have failed to bring you Sailor moon's life force.

- you fool!

Your utter incompetence Is dwarfed

Only by your sheer stupidity.

Ew! - oh! Oh! I'm sorry, Your majesty.

I just--I kind of like it When you yell at me.

It's hot.

- it's my job To provide a bridge

Between the blokes At the top of the ladder

Like cobra commander And serpentor

And the peons at the bottom.

I help the peons feel valuable,

Although it helps Not to call them peons.

- here's that report You wanted, sir.

- I told you Not to staple it, wretch!

So I'm the bridge.

- yeah. Cloning Is an integral part

Of cobra's plan For world domination.

- hail cobra! - hail cobra.

Basically, my job is to defrag The dna sequencer

Before each cloning And juice the capacitor--

- hail cobra! - hail cobra.

And monitor the plasma feed.

I started out in accounting,

But there's a lot more room For advancement down here.

- bail nobra! - bail nobr--oh.

Oh, hang on a second.

- yeah. Well, you know,

Establishing The cobra brand name Is a priority for us,

So we put the cobra logo On just about everything.

- hey, safety is job one Here at cobra.

We fully comply With osha standards.

It's been 34 days since Our last on-site accident.

The weather dominator exploded,

And, uh, we lost about 110 guys.

You can still kind of see

What's left Of scott anderson up there.

We really should get that down.

You know, we've been Chucking a softball at it,

But it's up there pretty good.

- interoffice romances Are strictly forbidden.

There's a very good reason For that.

They're a distraction.

They cut down on productivity, And they always end badly.

- bwah ha ha ha!

- training and reeducation Isn't just about combat.

It's also about learning The whole cobra mind set.

Ok. Let's say you want To take out the g.I. Joe

Quickly and quietly without Alerting the other members Of his unit.

- I'd use a gas pellet.

- you're on the right track.

- I'd weave, like, A wicker basket

And construct A robot snake in it

That, like, shoots gas Out of its mouth.

- excellent. Anyone else?

- oh, well, I'd totally do What frank said,

With the basket and all, But I'd also yell, "Cobra!"

- perfect.

- now I know. - and knowing Is half the battle.

- date rape! Date rape!

Date rape! Date rape!

- soon, I will have Your life force, sailor moon,

And my plan to rule the earth Will come to fruition.

Ooh.

Anime sure is weird.

- ray charles, you talented, But you ruined my life...

- coming next christmas, "Ray 2: ray's day out."

- just like you ruined So many women before me.

It's not your fault Your little brother

Fell into that washtub And drowned.

You got to face your problems.

Ow!

Damn!

Ray! My back is broken. Oh, god, ray.

You blind son of a bitch.

You killed me ray, You blind son of a bitch.

- waah!

- "Ray 2: ray's day out," Coming next christmas.

- haw haw!

- haw haw!

- tonight, the top 10 things Eddie buttskin should never say.

Number ten...

- if you die, Could I have your room?

- number 9...

- me so horny. Me love you long time.

- number 8...

- there's blood when I wipe.

- number 7...

- I'm going to eat your face On tv, david letterman.

- wait. That's kind of specific.

- [growls] - aah! Aah!

Oh, god, help me! Oh, god!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

- [growls]

[rim shot]

[ekg beeping]

- mmm.

Ahh.

- ha ha! Ok. Ok, guys. That's a lot of--

Hey, quit it. Hey, get off.

Hey, you guys, stop it! Come on! Stop!

[applause]

- is everyone ready For some hilarious home videos?

[laughter]

We here at "Bloopers" central Asked you to send in your tapes

So we can produce this show For almost nothing.

We thought we'd see nut shots And seniors falling down,

But these tragedies Kicked it up a notch--bam!

Did I say, "Bam"?

Let's hope, for this guy's sake, That I didn't.

- move it, pop. Out of the way, old man.

- move your ass, damn it.

Go! Whoo hoo! - go! Whoo hoo!

Now we're going!

[train horn blows]

- ha ha ha! It's what you get.

Oh!

- and they say you can't solve The homeless problem.

[laughter]

Some problems can't be solved By sticking you nose in

Where it doesn't belong.

- honey, be careful. - shut up.

- maybe a mechanic Could fix it better.

- I can do it If you just shut up.

- mama, I'm pregnant.

- no! - no!

- hey, she told me She was on the pill...

[laughter]

And 18.

Hidden cameras can yield Cherished memories

Or incriminating evidence.

The only x-factor is you.

- what are you doing, sweetie?

- oh, nothing, nothing.

- you ready? - uh-huh.

- ohh...Huh!

Oh, god! Oh, I'm sorry.

- you [beep]Ing loser!

You have failed me As a boyfriend,

And you have Failed yourself as a man,

"Robot chicken" co-head writer Douglas goldstein!

- bet you didn't See that coming.

Matter of fact, neither did she.

[laughter]

This video was sent in

By someone who found it In the woods.

Let's watch.

- josh! - michael!

- I'm coming, josh! - wait for me! Michael!

Michael, wait for me!

Michael!

Ahh!

[splat]

- rumor has it, those kids Were torn limb from limb.

Sometimes the best home videos Can be taken away from home.

Just watch these Crazy vacation videos.

- blaagh!

- that's all the time we have For this episode.

So come back next week for more Hilarious home videos.

[applause]

[laughter]

[applause]

- ♪ buck buck buck Buck-buck buck buck ♪

♪ buck buck buck Buck-a buck-a ♪

♪ buck buck buck... ♪

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Captioned by the national Captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--