Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[laughing]

[whirring]

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

- it's alive!

- tonight's special guest star:

Conan o'brien.

[doorbell rings]

- ♪ he's randy ♪

♪ the oblivious pizza Delivery guy ♪

- ♪ ding, dong ♪

- here's your pizza, ma'am.

- [audience hoots]

- here's your pizza, ma'am.

That'll be 18.44.

- I don't have any cash.

Is there another way I can pay for it?

- do you have a credit card?

- isn't there another way?

- traveler's checks?

- no.

I mean...

- [hooting]

- debit card?

We do the debit card now.

- jeez.

You sure are oblivious.

- ♪ he's randy ♪

♪ the oblivious Pizza delivery guy ♪

- ♪ ding, dong ♪

- he's about to crack.

- you've seen "World's Most one-sided fistfights Caught on film."

Now check it out Mardi gras style!

We take to the streets Of new orleans

For wild mardi gras fist fights

That are more One-sided than ever.

You gumbo crazy for These one-sided fist fights.

- whoa!

- these fist fights are Outrageously one-sided.

I gare-ron-tee!

- what the--aagh!

- and the fist fights Really get one-sided

When snoop dogg makes the scene!

- hey, y'all. Snibbity diggity!

- order now.

- your mother is so fat,

When her beeper goes off,

People believe she's backing up.

- your mother is....

- oh, my!

The educational Wrestling federation

Is live and on the air.

And trust me, folks, it's gonna Be one hell of a night.

Buck mccoy here back again

With former u.S. Secretary Of education rod paige!

- hopefully tonight's Event will be

Intellectually stimulating As well as--

- what's that? Something's Happening in the back!

Here comes benjamin franklin,

And, ladies and gentlemen, He does not look happy.

- franklin played a vital role

Building support abroad

For america's battle For independence.

- and, pardon my french,

But he also played a vital role In getting his ass kicked--

Courtesy of the wright brothers.

After last week's Pearl harbor job,

Franklin has got to Be hungry for revenge.

- I suppose y'all saw what The wright brothers did

To old ben franklin last week.

Well, if y'all think It's a bunch of bull crap,

Give me a "Boo-yah!"

- boo-yah!

- and, furthermore--

[music plays]

- it's those damned Wright brothers!

- their first successful Airplane flight

Took place in kitty hawk, North carolina.

- you're damn right, rod!

Those sneaky bastards!

[crowd booing]

- hey, franklin!

It sure was fun kicking Your sorry ass last week.

And we want to Do it again tonight!

- and, by the way, the match Will start right now.

- they're doing it again!

They're doing it again!

Jumpin' [bleep] On a pogo stick,

The wright brothers are taking It to benjamin franklin again!

It's gandhi!

I can't believe it, it's gandhi!

- gandhi's method of nonviolent Conflict resolution

Was ultimately what got--

- you're damned straight!

Mahatma's gonna resolve This conflict with a vengeance!

Hellfire!

Franklin's going up For the c-note!

The c-note!

Yeah! Now, that's educational!

- I can still see your sack.

- welcome back to the 19th Season of "Oprah."

Today, no dream Is too big to fulfill.

What can oprah do for you?

- me?! Oh! Oh, my!

I'd love a nice Pastrami sandwich.

- check under your chair!

[crowd "Oohs"]

- it's good.

- everyone else, Look under your chairs.

[all gasp]

Don't open them yet.

- oh! Oh!

- not yet!

- what is it? What? What?!

- now! Open the boxes!

They're keys to a new car!

Everyone gets a new car!

- [cheering]

- oh.

- ok, ok.

Oprah's got a caller.

What's your wish, sir.

- I would like more Land for my people,

Land we can be proud of.

- you want more land?

How about the entire Louisiana purchase!

[applause]

- this will look great In my casino.

- you think that's something?

No dream is too big.

Look out, america,

We're raising the dead

So you can see your Loved ones again!

All of you who have Been laid to rest,

I want you to rise up!

The power of oprah!

The big o is coming at ya!

We're almost out of time.

But we can end the show With one more dream come true.

Sally, from north dakota,

What's your dream, little girl?

- I'd like daddy To stop hurting mommy.

- [man coughs]

- arr!

What that steering wheel be?

- arr! It's drivin' me nuts.

- see you at the meeting.

- yeah, see you there...

Douche.

[farts]

[door creaks]

[loud footsteps]

Uh...Oc--

Occupied. Occupied.

[shuddering]

- [roaring]

- uh, hello?!

Hello, 911!

- [roar]

- I'm in a bathroom!

[roaring stops]

- [fart]

Oh, wait!

[roaring]

[loud footsteps]

- dumplestiltskin:

A creature not of your world,

But a user of its bathrooms.

When finished, It leaves behind terror...

Terror and a basketball-sized Chocolate mud baby...

From the twilight zone.

- oh! Oof!

- [laughter]

- all right, Let's take a look at--

Good sweet [bleep]!

- you must find My client not guilty!

- ladies and gentlemen,

You hold the fate Of this young man

In your hands.

- ok, y'all,

The facts in this here Case seem clear

As a new ford windshield.

Now, the kid's boss catches Him stealing from the till.

Well, the kid's Gotta shut him up.

- no! No! No!

- then the kid ditches the body.

[cow moos]

- guilty. - guilty.

- he's, like, totally guilty. - bark!

- so, let's just vote This sucker guilty

And hit the bar!

Yee-haw!

All in favor? - aye!

- all opposed?

- nay.

- an outrage! - bogus!

- the witness' testimony Was totally unreliable.

- isn't it true that Your mother, sister,

Cousin, and aunt are all The same person?

- ah, duh.

- I believe the victim's Mistress killed him.

- ms. Herring, what was The last conversation

You had with the deceased?

- I told that greasy mechanic

If he went back to his wife, I'd kill him.

- and did he go back To his wife?

- yes!

- and did you kill him? - ye--

- objection!

Relevance.

- sustained.

- yeah! Then the five-oh Plant the dma evidence.

You can't trust the police.

One time a police Take my shoeshine box,

Beat me with it.

My lordy!

What? Every black man on the tv

Gots to be a posimative Role model?

- but the dna evidence Matched 13 out of 13 sdrs.

The defendant's clearly guilty.

- uh, you're a [bleep] Dog.

Ok, so let's go over this again.

And that's why we must Find that young man

Not guilty.

- fine, fine! How does everyone vote?

- not guilty. - not guilty.

- [sighs]

- mr. Foreman, your verdict?

- not guilty.

- [loud gasps]

- justice has been served!

It's my belief That the mistress

Is guilty of this crime.

- what about the fact That ms. Herring

Was singing the national anthem At the world series

At the time of the murder?

- uh...Ha ha.

- I told you, I'd kill Any man you loved

If you wouldn't love me!

Now I'll kill you, too!

- oh, no!

- no!

Sorry, pal,

But you're one wrong I've just gotta right.

[both grunting]

- oh, I wish I had fists.

Agh!

- uh-oh.

- jack beckett, you're charged With double homicide.

How do you plead?

- not guilty, your honor.

- this is gonna be fun!

Yee-haw!

- oh, my god! He's got a gun!

- nobody listened to me before!

Jack must die!

- [screaming]

- tune in next time when Every dog has its day.

[chicken clucking]

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Captioned by the national Captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

- ba-gawk!

- bock.

- stupid monkey.