Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

[drill]

- it's alive!

[farts]

- ahh.

Ohh.

Oh, sweet [beep] In a birch bark canoe!

- you, all right?

I learned it From watching you!

- whew, man.

It's not easy Being william shatner.

Actor, singer, rancher, All-around macho hombre.

Oh, yeah.

Ahh.

Time to beam me down A good night's sleep.

[slurping]

[cell phone rings]

- you're needed.

- huh, so you have Come back, mi amor.

Oh, s'il vous plait.

I know I do not deserve Forgiveness,

But give me One last chance, non?

What you're here for, It is not important.

All that matters is our love.

Oh, run away with me.

[sobbing]

I curse you.

Here.

You'll find them At this address.

- ha ha ha!

Finally, the secret is ours.

- they will have to Accept our demands now.

[laughing]

[gasp]

You!

- aah! You shot me!

- the world is safe again Thanks to you.

- uhh.

Yawn.

Where do these things Keep coming from?

- shazam!

- I did it.

I reunited that boy With his puppy.

What the--

- come here, baby. What's taking so long?

- oh, boy.

- there's no such thing As stupid questions,

Except for billy's questions.

- you're not really An atheist, are you, todd?

- look, I just don't Believe in the whole Heaven-hell thing.

[horn honks]

- wow, what An unfortunate, uh...

- plot device?

- yeah. Plot device.

- holy [beep].

Heaven does exist.

Holy [beep].

It's beautiful.

[alarm blaring]

[screaming]

- what--what's going on?

- down! Down!

[screaming]

- damn you, f.A.A.!

- ha ha ha!

[snorting]

[coughing]

- todd.

- holy [beep].

Grandma!

It's so good to see you.

And...Uncle steve.

Holy [beep].

They let you in here? - yeah.

Turns out we were Doing stuff the priests Were into themselves.

Ha. Lucky me.

- I was a serial killer, But repented in prison

And went to heaven.

- I killed hundreds In the name of our lord.

- well, I'm just As surprised as you are.

- uh, hey. You work here.

- since day one.

What can I do for you?

- what's with the hypocrisy Around here?

Why is uncle steve here?

And the serial killer Gets in because he repents?

- well, if you're Gonna bitch so much,

I can return you to earth At any time.

- really? - sure.

Just look over there.

- aah!

- heh heh heh.

Oh, douche bag.

- so there was this truck, And it came out of nowhere,

You see, And it hit our friend.

- aah!

Oof!

Holy [beep].

It's a miracle.

Hey, guys, I'm back!

And I have so much to--

- wow. That's, uh...

That's so, um...

- ironic?

- yeah, yeah. Ironic.

[yawns]

- oof!

- sam, ziggy says In order to leap out,

You got to work the shaft.

Work the shaft, sam.

[thumping]

There you go.

- china is in here, mr. Burton.

- oh.

- wow! I can record My favorite shows

And teach it to record Other shows that I like!

This is great!

What did I do Without this thing?

[telephone rings]

Hello?

- hey, buddy. We're heading out to the bar.

You want to come?

- why don't you take your bar

And shove it up your ass?

I'm watching tivo!

- but, but--

[telephone rings]

- hello? - this is your boss.

You're very late.

Are you even coming in today?

- no.

Uh, tivo.

- you're fired!

- oh, my god.

My poor baby.

You just get off the couch And come with me.

Mom is here to help.

We got to go, baby.

We got to go And get some help.

Come on.

We'll get through this Together.

You just get off That couch and get up.

Aah! Oh!

[thumping]

- love...You...Tivo.

- tivo. It'll change your life.

- no, it's not a tumor.

It's not a tumor at all.

- the amazing true story That touched the hearts Of generations

Is now a motion picture You'll never forget.

- "Dear diary, This is my chronicle

"Of a most unfortunate time.

"My name is anne.

Anne frank."

Awesome.

"Luckily, everything I want Is right here."

♪ let the nazis come And take my friends ♪

♪ gonna pray all day To the southern ends ♪

♪ I want to punch That hitler... ♪

- the nazis are here!

- I'm on it, dad.

- achtung!

- mein kampf!

- wiener schnitzel!

- you're really something, Anne frank.

- heh, I'm just me.

- nazis are so uncool.

- don't put the baby In the bulldozer.

- dude, west nile virus rules.

- word.

- a jumper's standoff With police

Came to a tragic end

On the brooklyn bridge Today,

As an unidentified Skull-faced man

Brought traffic To a standstill For two hours

Before leaping To his death.

[click]

- all too common.

You ever wonder what became Of those playthings

Of yesteryear?

If you're the ceo Of a "Fortune" 500 company,

You're probably too busy Counting money

On the naked back of A $10,000-a-night whore to care.

But I care.

Man-at-arms.

Killed in a hail of crip Gunfire on the streets

Of south central los angeles.

Beast man.

Currently dodging child Support payments

Under an assumed name In akron, ohio.

We see you.

Trap-jaw.

Now a south dakota State senator.

Sad fates for those once known As the masters of the universe.

For more perspective, We've come to prince adam,

Best known as the champion Of eternia, he-man.

He-man, you're currently Employed as a mall Security guard.

How did it come to this?

- yeah, well...

Hey, you!

Stop!

By the power of grayskull!

- oh, look! He's got a sword!

- once the leader Of the mighty thundercats,

Today lion-o is an unemployed Construction worker

Staring down the big 4-0.

- after mumm-ra died Of testicular cancer,

There wasn't nobody left For the thundercats to fight.

We had to get real jobs.

- mm-hmm. Was construction Your first job?

- uh...

- whoo! Oh, yeah!

Oh, my god!

- mm-hmm. And how about the others?

- panthro's doing a dime In federal prison

For selling junk bonds To senior citizens...

And then eating them.

- snarf, snarf.

No-good rober berbil.

Snarf!

- I don't know What happened to snarf.

- and what happened To the team's sexy Female member, cheetara?

[cats meowing]

- she's still My sexy lady, I guess.

Oh, hey, You want to go out back

And shoot some cans With a .22?

- not every toy Meets with despair.

Some, like the transformer Known as soundwave here,

Have managed to find Steady, honest work

Out of the limelight.

Soundwave, what's the secret Of your success?

- well, I just try Not to dwell on the past.

I have a family To support now, and--

Can you hang on a minute?

I've got a customer.

- oh, oh, man.

- it may not seem like much,

But it's an honest day's Paycheck for an honest day's--

- uhh!

- it's an honest--

[farts]

[squirting]

Some legends burn out Or simply fade away,

But some manage to adapt To changing times.

- destro, you were Once a member of cobra,

The ruthless Terrorist organization

Determined to rule The world.

From arms dealer To used car dealer.

What happened?

- everyone just Sort of lost interest.

I think as you get older,

Ruling the world just seems Like too much trouble.

- and what became of The once-feared leader of cobra,

The notorious Cobra commander?

- our callers Just can't get enough

Of these double-belt Pleated pantsuits.

- I know.

- hey, watch your mouth.

I'm the one-- You tell me when--

You say another thing.

You get your hands off me!

Whoa!

- nobody knows what Happened to shipwreck.

It's easy to forget About the toys

That filled our happy, Youthful days,

But as americans,

We must never forget To treat everyone

With honor, decency, And respect.

- am I done yet?

- you'll know, she-ra.

You'll know.

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Captioned by the national Captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

[chickens clucking theme song]