Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[thunder]

[whirring]

- it's alive!

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

[monkey screeching]

- oh! I want my sundae.

Pfft! Uhhh!

[harp playing]

[ding]

- where the hell Have you been?

- it's none of your business.

- none of my business? It isn't my business that--

- are you really a tooth fairy?

- um, yeah.

- damn right it isn't.

- maybe you're rather be With your whore.

- don't you dare call her that.

- you admit it! You unbelievable bastard.

- that is it! [smack]

I'm gonna shut you up Once and for all.

- you put that down!

- get your hands off me! You get out!

[gunshot]

[thud]

- shh.

- who the hell are you?

Get off me. Get off me.

Aah! Uh! Aah!

[gunshot]

[thud]

[footsteps]

- [exhales]

[ding]

- you be good now.

- you admit it! You unbelievable bastard!

- that is it! [smack]

I'm gonna shut you up Once and for all.

- you put that down!

- get your hands off me!

[gunshot and thud]

- shh.

- who the hell are you?

[glass breaks]

[thud]

Aah! Uh! Aah!

[gunshot]

[thud]

[footsteps]

- hey, champ.

Uh, ok. Pack up. You and me Are going on a vacation,

Uh, to disneyland.

- is--is mom coming?

- disneyland!

- I'm gonna shut you up Once and for all!

- you put that down!

- get your hands off me.

[gunshot]

[thud]

- shh.

- who the hell are you?

Hey, get off me. [smack]

Aah! Uhh!

[siren]

[gunshot]

[thud]

[siren]

[footsteps]

[thud]

- freeze!

- freeze? When I drop a fairy?

You know I am only Getting started, motherf--

- hey! Sir, put down The weapon.

Put down the weapon.

[gunshots]

- stay down! - on the ground!

- spread your legs. Don't move.

Put your hands Behind your back, sir.

[handcuffs locking]

[car doors close]

[engine starts]

[siren]

[car driving away]

[band playing]

[cheering]

Congratulations! This is the darkest sketch

In television history!

- darkest sketch! Darkest sketch! Darkest sketch!

- whoo! I did it! Did you guys get that?

- darling, will you marry me?

- [ah-choo]

- ohh...

- brrrr.

[sipping]

- oh!

- uh, folks, this is Your captain speaking.

Sorry for the little bump.

We're just going through A little turbulence,

And there's nothing To worry about.

- this is actually My first time flying,

And I'm pretty nervous.

- oh, don't be. I fly all the time.

It's the safest way to travel.

- this is the captain again.

Well, folks, the copilot just Won't stop touching my wheel.

He's really annoying.

- folks, this is the copilot, And it's not his wheel.

It's the airline's wheel,

And I can touch it If I want to.

- that doesn't sound good.

[passengers murmuring]

- aah!

- let go of my hands!

- why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself.

- hi!

- excuse me, mr. Chicken, But can you tell me

Why you crossed the road?

- why, sure, billy. I'll tell you.

- don't let this car in. What are you--

- I have to. It's common courtesy.

- this traffic is ridiculous.

I knew I should have taken My teleporter to work today.

I have a teleporter, you know. I invented it myself.

- blah, blah, blee, blah.

And yet every day, You carpool with us.

- ugh! We're In the slowest lane!

Oh! This minivan in front Of us is killing me!

Ooh. An honor student at The fancher elementary school.

Note to self: blow up Fancher elementary school.

Ugh! This is unacceptable!

- uhh.

- ♪ uh uh ♪

Hmm.

[chuckling]

- grrr!

[air hissing]

- you missed the kids.

- that was a good one. Ah.

- what was a good--oh!

- ha ha ha!

- oh! Oh! It's burning my eyes! They're watering.

- unlock the windows!

- behold the gaseous stench Of skeletor's breakfast burrito!

Ha ha ha ha!

- oh, crap.

- ok, ok. Don't look at them. Just act casual.

- in your face, villains.

[shouting]

- this is exit 32. Merge over.

- I'm signaling, But they won't let me in.

- it's common courtesy!

[tires screech]

- we are so late, man.

- oh, there's a spot.

[tires screech]

[all talking at once]

- to hell with this. I'm teleporting.

- wow. He really did Have a teleporter.

- what the--

- baldy! Baldy! Baldy!

- son of a bitch.

- you don't have any hair.

- ♪ happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy birthday ♪

♪ happy, happy birthday, Happy birthday, happy birthday ♪

♪ happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♪

[applause]

- is everyone ready for more Of those hysterical bloopers?

[laughter]

You know, the "Today" show Has been a trusted source Of morning news

For more than 50 years, But it's not always boring.

Just watch!

- and sadly, Ling ling the panda

Was destroyed by federal Wildlife officials.

In a related story--

- uh!

- in a related story,

Traffic on new york city's Brooklyn bridge

Was brought To a standstill today--

- [tarzan yell]

- traffic was brought to--

- uh!

Hi, katie.

- someone get the windex.

Everyone remembers "Mister rogers' neighborhood."

But things weren't always Hunky-dory in the hood.

- do you know what sharing is?

Sometimes it's nice to--ow.

Peter, come over here, please.

The train track is Too close to the lake.

I got a shock. Weren't We gonna solve this problem?

- I'm sorry. It's just that, You know, the lake is--uh!

- we're solving The problem, peter.

Solving the problem. Solving the problem.

- [gasping]

- solving the problem.

Problem solved.

Now get ready for one Of the biggest bloopers

Of all time!

- this just in--

Cnn calls the state Of florida for al gore.

That means gore has won The presidential election.

Thank you, jesus.

- we sure dodged that bullet.

- oops.

The top-rated "Csi" is full Of twists and turns,

As well as its share Of unexpected blooper action!

- ha ha ha!

You guys! Aw, that was-- That was really funny.

Oh, [beep]. I [beep] Cut myself.

It's really bad. It's deep.

[beep]

Ow.

- this bullet casing Shouldn't be here

If the shooting took place 10 meters west.

- [fart]

- ha ha ha!

- sorry. That was me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.

[fart]

Sorry about that.

[laughter]

- now it's time for those Amazing sports bloopers.

They're always a home run.

[music playing]

- yeeah!

Oh! Uh!

- uh!

- ow! Uh! Ah!

- [screaming]

- ooh! Aah!

- [laughter]

- that's all for today, But come back next time

For more of those Ca-razy bloopers!

- [laughter and applause]

[chicken clucking a song]

[other chickens join in]

- bawk! - bawk.

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Captioned by the national Captioning institute

--www.Ncicap.Org--