Original subtitles

[laughing]

[whirring]

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

- it's alive!

- my name is george w. Bush,

And I approved this message.

Tacos rule.

- aagh!

- this is your brain.

And this is heroin.

This is what happens To your brain on heroin.

And this is what your Body goes through.

But it's not over yet.

This is what happens To your grades...

To your friends...

And all your stuff!

This is what happens To the profits

From your grandma's bake sale!

This is what happens To the world economy.

And your boyfriend Gives you herpes simplex a!

And you end up getting A stupid tattoo of a unicorn

On your left ass cheek

That was supposed to Be a bitchin' firebird,

But you were too strung out To notice at the time!

[car alarm beeping]

[whimpering]

- we just want to help!

- this is what happens To family values!

This is what happens To the pollen count!

Any questions?!

Any questions?!

- this is the spot!

The decepticons are Using the dam below

To stockpile energon cubes.

- megatron must be stopped!

Autobots, transform and rol--

Oh! Hold on a second!

[urinating]

[toilet flushes]

- are you ok?

- let's get 'em!

- I shot the hell Out of that guy!

[laughter]

- good job, everyone!

Megatron was defeated

With only 50 humans killed In the crossfire.

A new record!

- hurray! - hurray!

- hey, prowl,

Have you noticed how often

Prime needs to drain The lizard nowadays?

- yeah, he must be french,

Because he's a-peein'.

Ha ha ha.

- I think that joke goes:

"You're-a-peein'."

- ha ha ha.

But I'm not.

- ugh.

Such a retardicon.

[urinating]

- uh-oh.

I didn't think going To the bathroom

So often was a problem,

But just today, I saw Blood in my urine.

- ew!

Well, I'd better have a look.

- ow! Oh!

Oh!

Using the whole fist, doc?

- it's what I feared:

Prostate cancer--

And it's advanced.

I'm sorry, prime, But you're going to die.

[sobbing]

[sobbing]

[all crying]

[ekg machine flatlines]

- hi. I'm optimus prime.

What you've just seen Is a dramatization

Of what you, your friends, And your family go through

If you don't get regular Prostate exams.

Now, we transformers don't Have organic internal organs

And can't get cancer.

But you do...

And you can.

- so, get your ass checked out Before it's too late, turkeys!

- this has been a message from

The cybertronian Medical association.

- reality tv has never Been this honest,

This brutal!

Coming soon...

It's "The world's most one-sided Fistfights caught on film!"

Television too brutal to watch, Yet you can't turn away.

[grunting]

[baby cries]

Thursdays at 8 p.M.,

It's "The world's most one-sided Fistfights caught on film!"

- all right, guys, I'll see You back in the yard.

Hey, what the--oh! Aagh!

[screaming]

Call a guard.

- it uh...It burns when I pee.

- what did I just tell you?!

- this new tax Appropriations bill

Will result in a--

- my name is tiffany montgomery From clifton, new jersey,

And I think Senator davidson rocks!

Whoo!

- ...Wide-standing Ramifications...

- my name is melanie fratello From danbury, connecticut,

And I think legislation to cut Infrastructure funds 4%

In the upcoming fiscal Year rules!

Whoo!

Danbury high fighting Tigers forever! Whoo!

- yo, coming straight at you,

We got an executive session

To consider the nomination of 3 U.S. District judges, y'all!

Then later on,

The procedure oversight Committee

Is holding a public hearing

That'll be all up In your grille.

But first, here's the results Of our internet poll

Where you get to decide The next speaker.

And the winner is...

Oh, byron l. Dorgan! Oh, yeah!

- thank you.

As the representative...

- I'm so hungry.

- hi, mr. Hungry. Can I call you so?

[applause]

- is everyone ready for more Of those hilarious bloopers?!

You know, being a tv reporter

Isn't all fires And double homicides.

When you can't get Your lines right,

Sometimes the biggest Story is you!

- there's nothing like Some tasty bamboo,

Especially when You're ling-ling,

Who's traveled all the way From china to visit um...

Uh...

Uh, I'm sorry.

I just don't feel safe Next to this animal.

- it's completely harmless, Jerry.

- are--are you sure?

It's...It's just-- All right, all right.

- still rolling.

- there's nothing like A nice piece of bamboo

Uh, when...Crap!

- stop being such a wuss!

- I--I--I just...

It--fine! Fine!

- rolling.

- there's uh, nothing like A nice piece of bamboo,

Especially when--

[laughter]

[burp]

- you just can't trust The chinese.

There certainly weren't any Chinese in hazzard county,

But bo and luke had Problems of their own!

- marker!

- whoo!

- ow!

[laughter]

Ow! Ow!

- ya-whoo!

- ow!

My knee!

Son of a bitch! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

- ya-whoo!

Wait! Wait, john!

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

- when david duchovny announced

He was leaving "The x-files,"

Producers had to scramble To find a new male lead.

Check out these Never-before-seen screen tests.

- keanu reeves screen test, Take one.

- so, you're telling me We're dealing with

A sort of missing link in The evolutionary chain?

- that's right, scully.

The scientific name for This beast would be

Rondonondus marsipius, From the genus emplyaeclaes.

Ha ha ha!

- mr. T. Screen test, take one.

- so, you're telling me We're dealing with

A sort of missing link--

- you damn right, scully!

Missing link between The bugs and the humans,

Talkin' 'bout bad for the kids!

Don't play me for No jibba-jabba, fool!

[sighs]

- corky screen test, take 27.

- so, you're telling me We're dealing with

A sort of missing link in The evolutionary chain?

- I just made a doody...

In my pants.

[laughter]

- you know, superman Had a movie serial

As far back as 1948.

But the actor playing him

Had his share of super problems!

- help! Help me, superman!

Help!

- this looks like A job for superman.

[burps]

- should we keep going?

Yeah? Ok.

Uh, uh, uh.

Even superman can't outrun uh...

A bullet!

Oh, my face!

You hit me in the eye!

Why would you do that? - hurray!

You're saved!

Up, up, and away!

- his lawyers called it "Heat exhaustion."

[laughter]

Remember "Diff'rent strokes"?

We got our hands on some footage From that classic sitcom

That's never been seen before!

- someone's been a bad, bad boy!

- ow! Ow!

- bad, bad boy!

- ow! Ow!

- conrad, gary, you're on. Places, everyone.

- and, action.

- who wants ice cream?

- we do, we do! - we do, we do! - we do, we do!

- here's a rare blooper

From that smash hit Cartoon "Pokemon."

- pikachu.

Pika, pika!

Pika, pee!

- squirtle! Squirtle!

Squirtle! Squirtle!

- pika, pika, pikachu!

Pika, pika!

- squirtle! Squirtle!

Squart--what the [bleep] Am I saying?!

No, I mean it!

This [bleep] Makes No sense at all!

- say the line, earl, Or you get the gas.

- for the love of ... Kids,

Go read a book or something!

- next up is something I like to call

"Bloopers in space!"

- agh!

Agh!

Agh!

- oh, ho ho ho!

Ah ha ha ha!

- we're in big trouble, Starbuck.

- stop right there, humans!

- the actors playing Those nasty cylons

On "Battlestar galactica" Has all sorts of problems

Maneuvering in their Bulky costumes.

Just watch!

- marker!

- I will command...

[laughter]

- that's all the time We have today,

But come back next week For more outrageous bloopers!

[applause]

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Captioned by the national Captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

[chickens clucking]