Original subtitles

12th precinct. Harris.

Uh, no, ma'am. I'm sorry.

We can't arrest your husband for Going out in one of your dresses.

Oh, it's one of Your new dresses.

Well, that I understand. Mm-hmm.

Oh, you wanna Teach him a lesson?

Take one of his.

You're welcome.

Sounds like they Got a lot in common.

Yeah. Including size.

Somebody got a new joke?

Just another whacko phone call.

Yeah, we get a lot more Of those at night, don't we?

Yeah. Damn things help us pass The time, though, don't they?

I suppose there is a Lighter side to suffering.

Right.

Levitt and dietrich check in?

No.

Well, uh, they didn't Request a backup

On their, uh, silent alarm, so We figured they're all right.

All right. Keep me posted, okay?

Oh, uh, just for Everyone's information,

I'll be leaving about 10:30 this evening.

Mmm.

If you need me, I'll be at home.

But the shift isn't Over until midnight.

- I'm aware of that. - oh.

I mean, I didn't mean you Had to stay to the very end.

Of course you don't.

Hey, come on. When was the last time I Took off early for personal reasons?

Barn, you don't have to...

I mean, I know I don't have to.

Liz is making a special Dinner tonight, and I...

Can you eat that late?

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

About 10:30.

Please, mr. Fine.

Look, uh, sergeant,

I-I can't seem to Make you understand.

This is all just a Ridiculous mix-up.

That's a possibility.

That's right.

Or else you're a Sniveling little liar

Trying to talk your Way out of a jam.

I'm just playing the Devil's advocate.

Captain, this is stanley fine.

We caught him in a computer Room of levinson and brieston,

A brokerage firm over on third.

Captain, t-this is All very explicable.

I work there.

I was just putting In a little overtime.

Yeah, he tripped the alarm While he was jimmying the door.

Caught him red-handed With this, sir.

It's a briefcase.

I know what it is.

It's filled with stamps.

Stamps?

Stamps, sir, of the Postal variety, I believe.

Captain, I don't claim to Be an expert philatelist.

I don't know much About stamps...

And I only glanced At them for a second...

But?

Those suckers are expensive.

Captain, see, that's Just my hobby.

That you carry around in the Middle of the night in a briefcase?

Oh, sure. See, I... Oh, well, I...

Stop it, now, stop it. You're Going to hurt yourself.

Dietrich, see if There's anything

On missing stamp collections

And see who you can round Up from that brokerage firm,

Check out his story.

Right. Want to have a Seat over here, mr. Fine?

Anything else, sir?

Oh, uh, no, levitt. Thank you.

Just get your report In and you can go.

Go where, sir?

Home?

Thank you, sir,

But I would just rather Stay and work another shift.

Levitt?

Sir, what is a cop When he's not on duty

And just sitting Around in his room?

Nothing... Just another civilian Sitting around in his room.

I'll be downstairs, sir.

Hi, it's me. No, no, no, No, nothing wrong.

I just, uh... Just felt Like calling 'cause I, uh,

Been sitting here all night Just thinking about, uh...

Dinner.

I'm famished.

Oh, yeah? You too, huh?

Oh, that's very fortunate.

I'd love to hear about dessert.

Uh-huh.

Ohh.

Oh, that sounds More than appetizing.

That sounds absolutely...

- here you go, sir... - levitt!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Levitt, you just don't Walk in in the middle

While two people are right...

Beg your pardon, sir?

Uh, liz... Uh, liz, I'll have to, uh...

Yes, it was him.

I certainly will.

Liz, I'll, uh... I'll Call you back.

Mrs., uh... Mrs. Miller says hello.

Oh, isn't that nice? Won't you tell her that I...

Levitt, what is it?

Oh, it's the report, sir.

It's the apprehension Of fine, stanley, t.

Levitt, you could have Given that to dietrich.

It's procedure, sir. I Always give them to you.

All right, all right.

My best to mrs. Miller, sir.

I hope you'll see That she gets it.

Your job is programming The computer, right, mr. Fine?

Yeah. And systems analysis.

I know what you're thinking.

Boring work done by Boring people, right?

On the contrary, I find the field

And the people who work In it utterly fascinating.

Really?

Sure, most people think of you

As stifling, frigid, Crashing bores.

Well, maybe not...

But it's been my Experience that people

With obvious analytical Minds as you have

Are warm, sensitive human beings

With a great sense of humor.

Well, thank you.

Did you happen to hear the One about the univac 1108s

Talking to each other?

Dietrich?

Yeah?

Got a minute?

Right.

The punch line is...

"Not in my databank you won't."

I'll fill it in later for you.

What's with fine?

Uh, I got ahold of Somebody in personnel.

They say he definitely works There, but he's on vacation,

And they're trying to Contact his supervisor now.

Hmm. How about the stamps?

Nothing on a hot sheet.

Really?

Curiouser and curiouser.

Indeed.

It's from alice in wonderland.

Yeah, I know what it's from.

Did you happen to catch The x-rated version of it?

No, but I'm sure you did.

Yeah.

Now I know why the cheshire Cat's grinning all the time.

I demand to be kept away From that evil woman!

Don't worry. We're going To keep you all safe and snug.

You don't seem to Understand. She has powers!

I don't need my powers To chop you down,

You pigeon of a man!

I call upon the spirit Of my grandmother!

Hey, hey, hey! You can make Your call anytime you want.

Just be quiet for A minute, okay?

Harris, what, uh...

You're not going To believe it, barn.

Try me.

The disturbance call we answered

Turned out to be the Apartment of miss wiley here.

I prefer to be Called mother zilla.

Right.

We entered mother's place,

And she and this joker here Were screaming at each other

And flinging objects All over the room.

Man, you're making It sound so foolish.

I was just trying to make Her remove the curse.

The curse?

Oh, didn't I tell you About the curse?

Well, man, tell him The whole story.

She is an obeah woman.

Oh, lord, at last. The Toad is speaking the truth.

I am obeah.

Dietrich.

Right. Obeah in Jamaican culture,

A form of voodoo Originating in africa...

Supposed supernatural Powers, spiritual guidance,

That sort of thing.

You see, he understands.

Oh, don't encourage him.

All right, who's charging who?

Mother here is charging this Guy with assault and trespassing.

This guy is, uh... Dr. Anthony keeling.

Doctor?

Yes... Ear, nose, and throat.

Johns hopkins class of '68.

Harris, you want To book dr. Keeling?

This is all part of Her spell! I know it is!

Oh, come on, doc!

Come where?

To the world of reality.

Uh, mother zilla?

Mother, would you have A seat right over here?

Thank you.

Sergeant wojciehowicz Will be glad

To help you fill Out your complaint.

Wojciehowicz.

I bet it mean "Man among men."

I don't know.

I guess it could.

You guys have a lot of Fun around here, huh?

Yeah, well, we manage To have a laugh or two

At humanity's expense.

Could be more yucks.

Hello.

Address?

1672 central park west.

Classy neighborhood.

I know.

Phone number?

She is staring at me again.

Well, ignore it. She Just wants attention.

Phone number?

Quit staring at Me, you evil woman!

For god's sake!

Your soul is mine, Anthony keeling!

I reject that in the name Of all that is sacred!

Oh, this is really embarrassing.

It is mine! It is mine!

Let's have no more spells, no More curses, no more shouting.

- captain? - what?

That was mr. Fine's Supervisor on the phone.

He wants us to hold him Until he gets down here.

It seems that Mr. Fine is suspected

Of embezzling over half a Million dollars from the firm.

- half a million dollars? - yep.

Mr. Fine, do you, uh...

Do you realize what it is You're being accused of?

It's true. I admit it.

And, frankly, it's a relief Just to get it off my chest.

Honesty is the Best policy, mr. Fine.

Of course, insanity's A better defense.

Listen, I, uh...

I'm afraid I won't Be able to get home

Quite as early as I thought I would.

Uh, no, something kind Of complicated came up.

I'm... I can't just walk.

I will be there.

Oh, come on, hey.

Come on, not dessert Again, will you?

Hey, I got work to do.

Captain? Whoops.

Uh, I'll...

I'll see you as soon as I can... As soon as I can.

I wasn't thinking. Like a Fool, I came crashing in.

Forget about it.

No, no, no! Not dinner!

I know what you mean.

Dietrich!

Liz, I will be home As soon as I can.

Yes, I'll... I'll give him Your regards, yes.

Yeah, I-I... Okay.

Yeah, bye.

Oh, I got a report back On the stamps that fine had.

Like I suspected,

They're worth hundreds Of thousands of dollars.

Really?

He probably converted The cash into stamps

So he could carry Them around easy,

Sell them one at a Time... Avoid suspicion.

- it's pretty shrewd. - yeah.

All right, let me know as soon As the supervisor shows up.

Right.

Something else?

Oh, I-I couldn't help Overhearing the conversation.

Yes?

I heard something about regards.

- oh. - thought maybe...

No, you're right, you're Right. They're yours.

Take them and get out.

Thank you.

Okay.

'cause I...

I wouldn't want them If they were for wojo.

Of course.

- I'm flattered. - good.

- I'm gone. - bye.

Mother zilla was hired

By the mother of a Girl I had been dating.

Trifled with some Affections, did we?

I am not a trifling Man, sergeant.

I only went out with the Girl as a favor to her mother.

She turned out to Be a very pretty girl,

But, unfortunately, she Had the manners of a marine.

She got drunk, spit rum At people, and picked fights.

Spirited, okay.

So I quit dating her.

That is when the Curse was put on me.

Oh, curse, man!

Contributions to stereotypes Are not tax deductible.

I resent that. You're supposed to!

Unlike you people, sergeant,

I have taken control Of my own destiny.

"You people"?

Which "You people" Are you referring to?

Sergeant, I am Jamaican, I am proud,

And I still have my own beliefs.

Which include still taking Seriously the mumbo jumbo

Of some old woman Waving cat bones

And chicken lips in your face.

Yes.

All right, that part Bothers me a little.

You happy?

Yes, sir?

I'm michael harvey of Levinson and brieston.

Yes, sir. Be right With you, sir.

Fine!

Uh, mr. Harvey, uh, sir.

You have abused your position!

Yeah, I'm aware of That, mr. Harvey.

It was just something That I felt compelled to do.

Have you no remorse? No... No penitence?

No.

Just the half million.

Ah, I'm captain Miller, mr., uh...

Michael harvey, vice President in charge of finance.

Captain, we've been Aware of fine's activities

For many months now.

However, I'm sure you're aware

That electronic embezzlement Can be a very tricky matter.

No, that's really not in My area of expertise, no.

In any case, we want To thank you very much.

Now, if you will just Release mr. Fine in my custody,

We'll see that... Whoa, whoa.

Did you say, "Release Mr. Fine in your custody"?

There's no question About it. That's what he said.

- we all heard. - all right, fine.

We, uh...

The firm would prefer to Treat this matter internally.

Mr. Harvey, can I see You in my office a minute?

If you insist.

Adamantly.

I'll be back.

I'll be here.

Come on.

Put you in the cage.

So, I am to be penned Up like a dog, eh?

You can pretend to be Any little animal you wish.

Perhaps you wouldn't be So condescending, sergeant,

If you had ever experienced Firsthand the powers of obeah.

You know, I've never been Inside a refrigerator, either,

But I'm quite sure the lights go Out when the doors are closed.

Man!

It will work now.

Of course it will work. I shook it up enough.

See? I told you.

Can one ever be Positive what goes on

In one's refrigerator?

The point is, captain, We are a brokerage firm.

People trust us With their money,

Sometimes huge sums of money.

Now, what kind of confidence Would you have in a firm

That would allow itself

To be ripped off for Half a million dollars

By some $15,000-a-year Proletariat?

Somehow I just can't seem To get over the feeling

That there's something Of an incentive here

In condoning that Kind of behavior!

Nobody's condoning anything!

I mean, he'll be reprimanded, Possibly dismissed!

How brutal.

You know, there's something We're both forgetting,

Mr. Harvey.

What's that?

The money.

Your man told me on the Phone he converted it to stamps.

And unless you press charges, Those stamps belong to him.

And he'll give it back.

- why? - why?

Why?

Look, sergeant, Do you have any idea

How long they're Going to be in there?

Well, discussing procedure Doesn't usually take too long,

But, uh, deciding the Fate of a human being...

Hey, give him a Couple of minutes.

Okay, dietrich.

Turn mr. Fine loose.

Uh, barn, uh, mother zilla's Dropping the charges.

Oh?

Yeah, I, uh, pointed out to her That she could do a lot more

To punish him with her powers

Than new york City could with its.

You're learning.

All right, sweep it clean.

Okay. Clemency. Everybody goes.

This way.

Fine, I think you'll find The firm very lenient

On this matter.

All we want you to Do is return the money

And submit your resignation.

No further action will be taken.

And what do I get out of this?

You don't go to jail.

No, what I want, Mr. Harvey, is a raise.

Yeah, and a new title... Uh, Director of data security.

Hey, I kind of like that.

This is unconscionable.

And the office next to yours.

I don't believe...

Mr. Harvey, you want To sign that complaint?

We'll be glad to Take it from there.

How much of a raise?

20,000.

- out of the question. - stuff it.

You got it.

Thank you, captain.

Here's the stamps.

I'll take those.

You know, those stamps have Probably appreciated more

Than the 20,000 You'll be paying me.

So it's not such A bad deal, mike.

"Mike"?

Oh, didn't I mention that?

You know, you were right before.

Honesty is the best policy.

Of course, a little Luck doesn't hurt, either.

You know, somebody once Said, "True luck consists

"Not in holding the best Of the cards at the table,

But knowing just when To rise and go home."

Huh?

Get out of here.

Well, this looks like Goodbye, wojo man.

And thank you.

For what?

For treating me like a lady.

It's no big deal.

Oh, yes, it is.

And if some people Will try a little kindness

And respect first,

Perhaps the powers that Be will be more tolerant.

Now, obeah can be For good or evil.

Now, you remember That, anthony keeling.

And respect.

I remove the curse.

Ahh.

Mother zilla, what can I ever do to repay you?

$50.

Mother zilla cannot eat respect.

You have a great stare.

Hell of a night... From Voodoo to computers.

And I don't Understand either one.

I mean, a guy steals a Half a million dollars

And walks out of here with a Raise in pay and a better job?

Not exactly his just desserts.

Dessert? Oh, my god!

You think he'd Never eaten before.

Wojo, I updated the log.

Just make sure the Watch command...

Sir, I worked up these Manpower reports.

They're all wrong. Do them again.

Stop right there!

Stop right there... And take this.

What is it?

Don't worry.

You wave this two Times over your bed,

And souls who are separated Will soon be reunited. Huh?

Wojo!

I didn't say anything. Honest.

It will be all right. Here.

Thank you.

Not to worry, not to worry.

- she said... - two times.

Two times.