Original subtitles

Okay, miss hamilton, do You, uh, do you think you can

Give a description

Of the man who stole your purse?

He looked american.

Any other distinguishing marks?

Not really. It all Happened so fast.

I suppose I have Only myself to blame.

How's that?

Well, I'm a very appealing Target, don't you think?

I mean, a foreigner Traveling in a strange land

For the first time,

Trying to adjust to new customs, Unfamiliar with the language.

I must have stuck Out like a sore thumb.

Miss hamilton, you're Only from canada.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just assumed that would count.

Aw, that's okay.

Hey, woj, what's happening?

The reservoir is almost empty.

Okay. Who are you on with?

Droughts aren't funny, barn.

I realize that.

Well, I mean, uh...

According to this article,

If we don't get some Meaningful precipitation

Or if we don't start Conserving water,

In a few months, We could run out.

I guess that means that We're all gonna have to pitch in

And do our part.

That's right. Okay.

What the hell is this?!

Well, uh, it's hot dr pepper.

Dietrich drank his.

Just make a pot of coffee, huh?

Here.

Okay. But you'll Have to live with it.

Listen, if anybody's interested, We got an opening in vice.

Uh, midtown unit needs a Sergeant of detectives.

Any takers?

Too dirty.

Mail call. Sergeant harris.

Oh, thank you, levitt.

It's the buck I owe you.

Sergeant dietrich. Here you go.

Thanks.

New pencil sharpener?

No, that's an air ionizer.

Oh, of course.

I understand they're very handy.

Yeah, they're very handy.

Well, good luck with it.

Sir? Hmm?

Your mail, as well As manpower reports

Sorted into Departmental communiqués.

And this is your brick.

What's this for?

Just part of the department's

Newly promulgated Mandatory guidelines

In regard to voluntary Water conservation.

Of course.

Stick it in the "Toidy."

I assumed as much.

Why don't you do the honors?

Oh, yes, sir...

Since I am dressed For that sort of duty.

Captain, that was dispatch.

There's a guy in the middle Of washington square

Starting a bonfire.

Grab wojo.

Wojo, we got a fire in The middle of the park.

Could be arson. Uh-huh.

Sure hope we don't need this.

Excuse me. Have you Seen sergeant harris?

I believe he stepped out.

Thank you.

He said something about The walls closing in on him,

And then he handed Me these books

And just left me sitting here.

Oh, I'm sorry. I, uh...

I'm captain miller. Miss, uh...

Hamilton... Lillian hamilton.

How do you do? I Had my purse stolen.

Oh. Sorry about that.

It's not your fault, captain.

I understand this sort of Thing happens in the states

All the time... I Mean, back home,

You can scarcely Pick up a newspaper

Without reading Something dreadful

About the crime and Violence here in america.

Are you... From somewhere?

I'd like to think so.

Okay, why don't you Step inside, mr. Dooley?

Well, I just hope you boys Know what you're doing.

Y-you disrupted a Sacred ceremony.

We're cops. We can do that. Oh.

What do we got here?

Walter dooley... Campfire boy.

What?!

Barney, you should Have seen this one.

Uh, he had this big blaze going,

And he had these logs Stacked up, like in a pyramid.

And then he was standing there,

Singing some kind Of mumbo jumbo,

And dangling a Chicken over the flames.

What for?

I'm a rainmaker!

Oh, of course.

Give him a chance, barn.

Look, captain...

I'm not just some nut Who was having a barbecue.

I was performing a ritual That can be traced back

To the days of merlin,

Augmented by new techniques

That are based on Solid scientific facts.

Such as?

That chicken was stuffed With 10% silver iodide,

In a sodium-iodide solution,

Marinated in an acetone base.

Basic ingredients Used in cloud seeding.

I covered all the bases.

Well, we appreciate your Good intentions, mr. Dooley,

But I'm afraid it's Against the law

To start a fire in a New york city park.

So why did they hire me?

Who? The city.

The water department Commissioned me

To coerce the elements...

And I have a Contract to prove it.

Had that on him. See?

Looks official.

"Miscellaneous expense voucher."

Uh-huh.

"Sum of 250 to be Paid to mr. W. Dooley

"Upon commencement of services

"With another 250 payable Upon successful completion

Of said services."

Seems to be Self-explanatory, doesn't it?

Uh, we're going to need Some further information.

You want to go with Sergeant wojciehowicz?

Come over here, mr. Dooley.

All right. Thank you.

Have any luck? Not Yet, but I'll keep trying!

Uh, we appreciate that.

Arthur.

Yeah?

Anything happening?

Not much, just...

What about you? You Working on something?

Not really.

Want to do some filing?

Nah, no thanks.

You know, the toughest Nut I ever cracked

Was this little one-horse town Right outside of lubbock, texas.

That was... Let's See... Back in '33.

Uh-huh.

It hadn't rained in A year and a half.

The riverbeds had dried up, The farms had gone under,

The livestock withered Up and turned into jerky

Right before your eyes.

Uh, I'm going to put You in the cage now.

I tried every trick in the book.

I tried the aztec incantations

And then the orinoco Frog-flogging.

I even sat up in a tree Half the night with a drum,

Pretending to be thunder.

And what happened? Nothing.

Not even a drizzle.

Well, finally,

I suggested the Plaskan maiden ritual.

Now here's what they do.

At the stroke of midnight,

Every woman in the town Skips naked through the streets

And sprinkles Water on each other.

And they went for that?

It rained like Hell! Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, you should have seen it!

200 bareback females Jumping up and down

And rolling around in the mud...

And all grateful.

You...

I finished processing Dooley. He's clean.

Okay.

And dietrich called The water department,

And there's some guy, He's coming down here.

Yeah, I know. He told me.

Oh. Okay.

Anything else?

Nah.

Well, yeah.

I mean, I've been listening To dooley and all his stories,

You know, about...

Making rain, the depression...

All the places he's Been and naked women...

And?

And it's just more of the same.

I mean, it's got nothing To do with him, personally.

I'm just using him as a metaphor

For the way that I feel.

Which is?

I could use a change Of scenery, that's all.

I take it you're referring To the opening in vice

Up at midtown.

Yeah.

So, what do you think?

It's your life, and It's your decision.

And if you think that's What you want to do,

By all means, do it.

Yeah, that's what I want to do.

Okay.

I'll submit your Name with the others.

What others?

Harris and dietrich.

They want a change Of scenery, too.

When did they tell you that?

Dietrich was just in here. Harris... About an hour ago.

You mean I'm third?

Barn, uh, miss hamilton just Made a positive identification

Of the guy who ripped her off.

Oh, good.

So, um...

I'm going to go pick him up.

Well, you could Have said something.

Would you like a Drink of water, too?

Ho ho. No, thank you, miss.

You see, I prefer To make me own.

Oh, that's right. I heard You were a rainmaker.

Oh, going on 50 years.

I've always been canadian.

Oh.

Oh, magnificent country You've got up there in canada.

You really think So? Oh, yes, you see,

I served an apprenticeship For two years

Under an old Ottawan medicine man.

Oh!

I remember sleeping in A forest of virgin pine,

Waking up to share my Stream with moose and elk,

And climbing Mountaintops so high,

You could get up there And kiss the clouds!

I'm from windsor.

It's about five minutes Outside of detroit.

Oh.

Oh, but... But it's very Nice there, too, you know?

Yes, sir. Help you?

Ernest lun. Sergeant dietrich.

Sergeant, your office called My office about a mr. Dooley.

You must be from The water department.

Be right back.

Mr. Dooley! Hello, mr. Lun.

What the hell's going on?

Well, they had me arrested For lighting a ritual fire

In washington square.

Oh, my...

You promised me that You'd keep a low profile!

You said that you'd dance a Little jig, rattle some beads,

Maybe slap around a Couple of frogs, tops.

I-I tried all those.

So you had to go and set A torch to half the park?!

That's a bit of an Exaggeration, mr. Uh...

Lun. Mr. Lun.

Ernest lun. How do you do?

And you are, uh... Captain miller.

Captain miller.

So, uh, captain, just what is it

That the old gentleman Seems to be charged with?

Creating a public hazard.

I see.

What's more, mr. Dooley Tells us he was acting

Under the authority of The department of water.

Oh, well...

I don't understand how he Could say a thing like that.

You gave me the contract. You even signed it yourself.

This your signature, mr. Lun?

Is there someplace that We could talk private?

Certainly.

You have to understand, captain,

That this drought situation

Has put the entire Water department

Under a great deal of pressure.

What I mean to say

Is that we have been Forced into a situation

Where we have to Cram conservation

Down people's throats.

And they resent it! Whoo.

I can imagine.

Every day it's the same thing...

Cut somebody else's water back.

"How come my Business got a fine?"

"I don't want to take a Shower with my wife!"

I mean, I go home at night, And I am totally drained.

Well, I can Certainly sympathize.

So, anyway, the point is

That when this dooley Character came along,

And he was spouting off About how he could make it rain,

Well, I suppose somebody in The office must have figured,

"Why not give it a shot?"

That would be you.

Could have been.

Mr. Lun, what is It you want of me?

Oh, nothing really.

Would you let the old man go?

Well, I'm afraid It's not that simple.

Captain...

Captain, I'm afraid that You don't understand

The gravity of the situation.

I mean, if it ever Leaks to the press

That some drip from The water department

Hired a rainmaker at The taxpayers' expense,

Well, now, that could prove To be very embarrassing

To everybody involved.

That would be you.

You keep saying that!

All right, get inside, clayton.

Where else am I gonna go?

That's him!

That's the man Who took my purse!

I brought it back.

Okay, what happens now?

Downstairs, see sergeant Kogan, arrange bail.

Fine.

Dooley, this is coming Out of my own pocket.

After this, I am tapped out.

Barney? Yeah?

We got our man.

Good work.

Gerald clayton, sir.

Picked him up in a coffee Shop next to his apartment.

And would have been long Gone if it wasn't for her.

When we walked in,

Mr. Clayton and the Cashier were embroiled

In a rather profane discussion

In regard to, uh, Foreign-currency exchange.

That canadian junk Might look pretty,

But just try and spend it.

The guy wouldn't Even take $50 worth

For a lousy coffee and danish.

Then he throws it in my Face, calls me a deserter!

I was in jail during that war!

You didn't miss Anything. Book him.

Clayton, you want to take A seat over there, please?

Sir? Yes, levitt?

I couldn't help but notice

A new and challenging Opportunity available

In the fast-paced world of vice.

Levitt, that Opening calls for a...

Sir, I realize I hardly Merit consideration myself.

I was simply wondering

If any of the qualified Personnel expressed an interest.

Yeah, we all did.

Oh, really?

That's tragic, sir.

Well, it is, barn.

Wojo...

No, really, I'm glad He brought it up.

Somebody had to.

Look, some cruddy Vice job comes in here,

And in... In one day,

We're all falling All over ourselves

Just trying to get Out of the place.

Now, I'd like to know why.

So would I.

You go first.

Uh, gentlemen... There's work to be done.

This is not exactly The time or place

For this kind of discussion.

I knew you were gonna Say something like that.

I think we all did.

Thank you.

Aw, come on, barn.

I mean, it's...

It's not just You. It's all of us.

Barney...

We've... We've all had Our moments together.

Some damn good ones.

But... There just don't Seem to be a whole lot left.

I got nothing to add.

Me neither.

Do you?

What the hell difference Does it make to me?

I mean, one of you may leave...

Eventually all of you Are going to leave...

And I'm gonna be Stuck right here.

I'm sorry. I had no Right to say that.

No, no. It's okay.

Believe me, I had no Intention of suggesting that...

That any of you owe me anything

Or that you're Being ungrateful...

It's just that, uh...

I've been watching you Guys for a lot of years.

It's gonna be hard to let go.

I like your style.

I did it!

Dooley: what?!

It's my idea. Mine, mine, mine!

Mr. Lun...

Captain, I have to admit at First I was skeptical myself.

I thought maybe I was crazy...

Had water on the Brain... And I was right!

Congratulations. Thank you.

What about mr. Dooley?

Ooh, him. Uh... Here.

I got to get back To the department.

When I tell them where This rain came from,

They aren't gonna believe it!

You're probably right.

Huh?

Oh.

I never thought of that.

Wojo...

Want to turn mr. Dooley loose?

All right.

Rain feels good, doesn't it?

Clears away a lot of dust.

Well, sergeant, Everything seems to be here.

Even my bus ticket home.

I didn't have Time to cash it in!

Miss hamilton, if you Will just sign this,

You can be on your way.

Oh, good.

Come on, clayton.

We're going down for Pictures and prints.

What about my statement?

That was it.

Let's go.

Arthur, I'll be back.

I'll be here, ronald.

Okay, mr. Dooley.

Sign for your valuables Here, you'll be free to go.

Well, thank you, sergeant.

And I sure appreciate Your kindness.

Sure.

Look, uh, sorry about Sending you out in the rain.

Oh, that's all Right. I'm used to it.

Where do I sign this, huh?

Right down there.

All right.

Where you go next?

Oh, I don't know.

But I've been thinking About afghanistan.

You know, it's very dry there,

And it might be fun to Muck it up for the russkies.

I'll go with you!

What?

My name's lillian, Mr. Dooley. We talked before.

And until this very minute,

I've never done Anything spontaneous

Or even interesting In my entire life.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm a good typist, mr. Dooley,

And I can carry things, Even pay my own way.

I see.

It's just that if you say no,

Then the one Opportunity I'll ever have

To really do something Will be lost forever.

Well, you see, miss, I've Always worked alone.

But, uh...

I suppose a man of my age Could always use a little help...

Maybe even someone To carry on the craft,

You know, like when I retire?

Oh, I'd like that.

All right. Now, I'll think about it.

Well, goodbye, sergeant.

So long, mr. Dooley.

Uh...

Incidentally... Lillian, is it?

Yes.

Did you ever hear of the, uh,

Plaskan maiden ritual?

No. But I'm willing to learn.

Uh-huh. All right, let's go.

Oh!

Good a place to start as any.