Original subtitles

Gentlemen, your morning mail,

Interdepartmental chazerai,

And the gift of life.

What is it?

The bulletproof vests Have finally arrived.

Oh, good.

Weren't those ordered About two years ago?

So they're a little early.

I don't want to wear mine.

Come on, you haven't Even tried it on yet.

Ah. For work or play.

Well, I will admit

They're not up to your Normal sartorial standards,

But, uh... It could Save your life.

Well...

Maybe I could just walk Behind someone else

Who's wearing one.

Thing is, barn, I've Worn them before.

And they're heavy. And they're... They're...

You can't move around in them.

You can only sweat like a pig.

Sergeant, they've Been redesigned.

The vests have been Downsized for '81.

Yeah?

Should I put it on, sir?

Yeah, go ahead.

The, uh...

The attractive velcro Straps fasten easily...

Creating a secure Yet comfortable fit,

Allowing for maximum Freedom of movement

Yet complete Personal protection,

Whether in the office, In the car, or on the go,

Making that really Important collar.

It was in the brochure.

So do we have to wear them?

No, you don't have to wear them.

They're not mandatory.

But they do make Very good sense.

Why don't you pass Out the rest of them?

- that's it, sir. - what?

All the rest of the Vests haven't arrived yet.

So for the time being you're Going to have to share this one.

Oh, great.

Got it.

Uh, barn, that was an Office building over on 6th.

They got a guy with a gun.

All right, you and wojo. I'll Call dispatch for a backup.

Right.

So you guys want to use this?

- nah. - nah.

- oh, yeah, all right. - well, all right.

Well, we'll work It out in the car.

- sir. - hmm?

I managed a slight reallocation.

Oh, good.

Four detectives, four vests.

Good work, levitt.

And you still had enough To go around downstairs.

Uh, don't worry about that, sir.

Does everyone Downstairs have a vest?

You're detectives. You Deserve the first crack at living.

Levitt, how many vests Have you got downstairs?

Five vests.

- for 36 cops? - that's okay, sir.

We're going to rotate Them among the married men.

With children.

Look, uh, I... I don't Really need one.

Take them downstairs.

Sir, you're the captain.

You have to set an example.

I'm aware of that, but I...

I hardly go out On calls anymore.

That's true. But you do go Out for your paper every day,

And there's a lot of weirdos

That hang out at Those newsstands.

- levitt... - I'd feel better.

All right, come on Inside, mr. Thompson.

Easy for you to say.

The sweat and toil Of your imagination

Isn't being raped and plundered.

- barn. - mm-hmm.

This is arthur thompson...

Trespassing and destruction Of private property.

Hey, that looks nice.

Barn, could we get On with this, please?

Excuse me.

We picked him up in an Office over on 6th, barn.

It was a company Called inventrex.

A bunch of thieves.

He was threatening the Receptionist with this .22.

I tried calling, but no One was ever in for me.

They're too busy Stealing my inspiration.

Inspiration?

Mr. Thompson is an inventor.

I have over 115 Patents... Pending.

See, apparently, people Take their ideas to inventrex,

And then inventrex Charges them a fee

To market and develop it.

Mr. Thompson says They're trying to cheat him.

It's nothing new.

Remember the guy who Invented that screwdriver?

Department store gave Him a couple of bucks,

Then they made a Fortune for themselves.

That's not gonna happen to me.

I take it that's, Uh... His invention.

Oh, the contents of this bag

Will change the lives Of millions of people.

What is it?

Show him.

This will be one of the Greatest boons to mankind

Since penicillin.

What is it?

Tan-alert.

Right.

You take it with you When you got to the beach

Or when you lay out on the roof.

You see...

You attach these Sensors to your forehead,

Your stomach, your legs, And other exposed areas.

Then you set this dial For skin tolerance.

Then, even if you fall asleep,

The warning box buzzes when You're in danger of sunburning.

I know what's going Through everybody's mind...

"Why didn't I think of that?"

I could kick myself.

Harris, you want to take Care of mr. Thompson?

Oh, thank you, barney.

Mr. Thompson, you want to Take a seat over here, please?

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

- inspector. - inspector.

Bang bang, you're dead, har.

Didn't have your vest on.

Oh. That'll teach me.

Yeah. No, you should really Wear it all the time, har.

You never know when some lunatic

Might come right Through that door.

Not unless you call first.

What brings you down, inspector?

Huh? Oh, hi, barney.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I see the blue knights Got their suits of armor, huh?

Oh, yeah, they were Delivered today.

Yeah, the department's Really pushing them, barn.

Hopefully, they'll Save some lives.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I remember a couple of years Back, a cop over in queens.

He was wearing a vest.

He walks in on a 10-30 In progress, you know?

So the guy lets him have it...

Six shots, point-blank Range, right in the chest.

Never even left a bruise.

- really? - yeah.

But then the thug Takes the empty gun,

He throws it at him, hits Him right in the temple.

Dropped dead on the spot.

Thank you for sharing That with us, inspector.

Ah, forget it, barn. It Was a freak accident.

One in a million, you know? Could happen to anybody.

But the big brass downtown Would like you fellas

To wear your vests at all times.

Personally, I think if a Bullet's got your name on it,

It's gonna find you, no Matter what you're wearing.

So what brings you Down, inspector, hmm?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

I come down to get a little Info on you guys for my files.

Wojo: what for?

Oh, you know, for the Tv, the media, newspapers.

In case one of you should Do anything heroic, you know,

Like pull a kid out Of a burning building

Or maybe rescue a hostage,

The public's gonna want to Know a little more about you.

I see.

And if it comes to the worst,

We're gonna want to Know about you, too.

How many you left behind.

The address for The memorial fund.

Stuff like that, barn.

I'm sure we'll all be Thrilled to cooperate.

Good. Thanks, barn.

I thought we'd Go alphabetically.

Uh... Arthur.

We'll start off With you, huh, d.D.?

Why don't you have A seat, inspector?

Thank you.

This ought to work.

Pencil.

I thought we'd Kick it off, d.D.,

By finding out a little About your childhood.

It was the best of times, It was the worst of times.

Hey, hold it, hold It. Not so fast.

Best... Best of times...

And by my late teens,

The writings of Schopenhauer and kant

Began to dominate my Epistemological outlook,

Almost to the point of excluding

The consideration of Any other viewpoint,

With the exception of Certain aphorisms of nietzsche.

I asked you if you had any pets.

Ant farm.

Good.

Thank you for your trouble.

Got enough here for a novel.

Anytime, inspector.

Okay, I think I'm Ready for you now.

Uh, right, inspector.

Uh, here you go. I think This should cover it.

What is it?

It's my dewar's profile.

- no kidding. - yeah.

"Last book read... Mine."

I checked out Thompson for priors.

- and? - he's clean.

Okay.

Then I, uh, checked Out this inventrex.

- mm-hmm. - the fee that they Charged thompson

Is $2,100.

To develop tan-alert?

Yeah. And in the last two years,

They've had a couple of Dozen complaints against them.

Talk to anyone from the company?

No, but the guy That runs the joint

Is coming down here to press Charges against thompson.

Let me know when he gets here.

Come on, tell the Truth. What do you think?

Well, there's definitely A feeling of security.

Uh-huh.

Then again, it's a Constant reminder

Of what it's there to prevent.

What scares me is that A little thing like this

Can be the difference Between living and dying.

Well, I've been Thinking about it,

And you know what Occurred to me?

What?

The contract to make them Went to the lowest bidder.

That's very profound.

Got a call from dispatch.

Somebody's barricaded In an apartment

With a couple of rifles.

Wojo, break out some weapons.

And I want to see Everyone in their vests.

I'll call the cleaners.

Good.

Barn, they've cordoned Off the streets,

And kogan is sending In some squad cars.

Let me know as soon as They set up a command post.

Right. Hey, barn, you sure You don't want to come along?

You're all dressed for it.

Just kidding.

Okay, wojo, you're in the box.

Uh, inspector, I got a call.

Oh, come on.

Can't you give me a Little something now?

I mean, in case Something happens.

I got to break out some weapons.

He loved guns.

Look, ma'am...

I'm sorry you had to evacuate Your place of business,

But I'm sure you can understand

That it was for your own safety.

I don't like putting 16 Girls out of work, either,

But hopefully the situation Will clear up shortly

And you'll all be Able to go back.

I appreciate your Patience, madam.

No, just a lucky guess.

Any news from the front, barn?

Still a standoff.

I could clean out my wallet.

That would kill a couple hours.

Hey, I'm sorry this has Hung you up, inspector.

Oh, come on, barney. Forget it.

Some crazy freak with a rifle...

What does he care about People who got to make deadlines?

He probably just wants to Waste a couple of cops, you know,

To get his name in the paper.

You know the story, barney.

"I heard voices."

So then they put Him in the fruit bin.

He's out in a couple of months And writes a best-seller.

But as long as we Got some time, barney,

I could pick up a little More info on you, huh?

Here.

Of course, there's not too much

I don't already Know about you, barn.

Born bernard miller, 24 years on the nypd.

Married. Lovely wife elizabeth.

Father of two fine Children, david and lisa.

That's rachael.

Rachael. Of course, barney.

Rachael.

Yeah, but I kind of enjoy It, you know, barney...

Chatting with all the cops,

Finding out about their Families and their backgrounds,

All the interesting Things they've done.

Course, it makes my life story

Sound like something The cat dragged in.

Oh, come on, inspector.

Ah, but I suppose, barney,

There's hundreds of People whose obituaries

Could be written on the back Of a chewing-gum wrapper.

Oh, come on. You've Had a long and full life.

Full?

No kids, no wife.

It's very full.

You had a distinguished Career. You've got many friends.

Oh, no. No friends, barney.

Acquaintances, maybe. Co-workers, yeah.

People who suffer the Company of the old inspector

Because he's an old inspector.

That's silly.

I know it's hard for you To understand, barney.

Your life's been so marvelous.

Well, I'd hardly go that far.

You don't have to humor me.

I'm not, believe me.

I'm not complaining, but my Life has hardly been marvelous.

Believe me, I've had My share of problems.

Financial setbacks... Marital difficulties.

That's true.

Problems with the kids...

Always problems with the kids.

And my career hasn't exactly Been the sky rocket to the top.

Turned down for deputy Inspector three times.

24 years on the force...

And nothing's any better Than the day I started.

Come on, cheer up, barney.

Sir, a mr. Norvis from Inventrex is here to see you.

Excuse me, inspector.

Sure.

Mr. Thompson, believe me.

Your product is still in The development stage.

And where will it be Tomorrow, bloomingdale's...

Only called "Beach buzzer"?

I'm captain miller.

John norvis, inventrex, inc.

I'm here to sign that complaint.

I must say, captain, that Mr. Thompson's actions

Are totally inexplicable to me.

Well, he seems to feel you've Been trying to defraud him.

That's ridiculous.

So why won't you Answer my calls?

Because I have Nothing to say to you.

Mr. Thompson's device is Still being examined and tested

By our trained Examiners and testers.

I'm sure you're Aware, mr. Norvis,

That there have been Many other complaints

Against your company.

So I'm not the first Inventor you've ripped off.

Captain, I assure you...

Inventrex is not in the practice Of stealing people's ideas.

I'm not talking about ideas. I'm talking about money.

Oh.

It is the policy of inventrex To accept for consideration

Only those items we believe Have a genuine potential.

But at the same time, we Cannot guarantee success.

The fee we charge...

$2,100 in mr. Thompson's case.

Yes, but that's simply to Cover our in-house costs...

Blueprints, mockups, Analysis and surveys

To determine the potential Market for the product.

And what would you say

Is the potential Market for tan-alert?

It's wide open.

I mean, mr. Thompson's Device is certainly something

That would be Purchased by anyone

Who's been out in The sun too long.

Right!

Just out of Curiosity, mr. Norvis,

What other inventions Have you brought to market?

Oh, we have many, Many in development.

In development?

These things don't Blossom overnight, captain.

It's a lengthy process.

We have feasibility Studies, patent searches.

Silly putty took six years.

What you're actually Saying, mr. Norvis,

Is that you've never Actually marketed anything.

But we're very close On a number of products.

Our combination mango Carver and potato juicer

Should be on the Shelves any day now.

You know, there are Those who might say

That you're really In the business

Of exploiting people's Delusions to make a quick buck.

- I don't view it In that light, captain. - come on.

You know and I know That nobody wants,

Nobody needs, nobody's gonna buy

A combination mango Carver and potato juicer

Any more than a cockamamie Item like tan-alert.

Huh?

I don't know that That's true, captain.

However, it's possible We may have misjudged

The current market for Mr. Thompson's device.

And as we are an honest and Conscientious organization,

Which doesn't want any trouble,

We'd be happy to Forget the entire matter.

And refund mr. Thompson's fee.

Fine.

If there's nothing Else, I'll be on my way.

I'm sorry things didn't Work out, mr. Thompson.

Yeah. Right.

Bye, captain.

Mr. Norvis.

You know, captain...

Maybe we are in the business Of exploiting people's delusions.

But at least we're Not in the business

Of destroying people's dreams.

Uh, they're dropping charges.

And you'll be getting Your money back.

I heard.

So am I free to go now?

I'm afraid not.

There's still that Weapons charge.

You have to be Arraigned on that.

Oh. I understand.

Listen, I want to thank you.

Yeah.

It's not everyone who Would go out of his way

To do what you did.

I know I wouldn't.

I really didn't mean to put Everyone to all this trouble.

Oh, it broke up the day.

For this we evacuated a block?

Uh-huh.

Wasn't easy, but we nailed it.

It's miss dorothy st. Clair, Wanted for nonpayment of rent.

I didn't realize it was Such a serious infraction,

But, then, I've only Been paying rent

For such a short time.

Until recently, miss St. Clair was a resident

Of the east side Psychiatric center.

She was released As part of a program

To integrate patients Back into the community.

I believe it's called "Dumping."

What happened?

Well, apparently, miss st. Clair

Was late with her rent payment.

The landlord threatened To lock her out.

So she told him She had a deer rifle

And a sawed-off shotgun.

In reality, I have neither.

Oh, hello again.

Yeah, hi.

I locked up the weapons.

Anyway, when we got there,

We surrounded the apartment And tried to talk her out.

They threatened me.

But what did you say you're Gonna blow our heads off for?

It seemed to be what You wanted to hear.

Then what happened?

After about a half hour, We still got no response,

So we lobbed some tear gas in.

We had to break down her door.

She was sitting in Front of the television,

Watching her Favorite soap opera.

If you miss even one day, You can be lost forever.

I know.

Miss st. Clair, I'm Afraid we're gonna need

Some more information.

Oh, I understand.

Harris, would you do the honors?

Uh, miss st. Clair,

Would you have a seat Right over here, please?

Oh, thank you.

Why, surely.

Could I offer you a Cup of coffee or tea?

Tea would be lovely, thank you.

You know, sergeant,

I have always been dependent On the kindness of strangers.

Didn't blanche dubois say that?

Not to me.

Now that the A-team has returned,

I'll be heading back downstairs.

Thank you for coming up, levitt.

- hey, levitt? - yeah.

Anybody downstairs needs A vest, they can have mine.

Feeling lucky, sergeant?

Something wrong, wojo?

Uh, no, nothing. I...

I just don't like the Way it makes me feel.

Itchy?

Invincible.

Really, barn, I don't know About anybody else, okay?

But when I put that thing on,

I feel like some Kind of supercop,

Like I ought to have a Big "W" on me or something.

If I... If I start feeling Like I can't get hurt,

Then I forget that maybe I Could hurt somebody else.

Sir?

It's up to sergeant Wojciehowicz.

Levitt.

You can have mine, too.

Doesn't fit philosophically.

What about you, sergeant?

Don't let peer Pressure force you

Into a foolish show of bravado.

You can have this one, levitt.

It's a little large.

Well, you can, you Know, make yourself

A pair of those little Britches out of what's left.

So... Decided to live Dangerously, huh?

Bully for you. Its the way to go.

Why, if you put on those things,

It's just the same as Admitting to all that scum

And killers out on the street That you're scared of them...

That you'd rather hide Behind some sissy little apron

Instead of going Down like a real cop!

Levitt!