Original subtitles

Hey, ron.

Hey, arthur.

Hi, dietrich.

Hey, carl.

Coffee's not ready yet.

That's all right. I can wait.

Did you do anything last night?

Went to the movies.

Foreign film?

"Three stooges" Festival at the gramercy.

Really, I wouldn't have Thought you went in

For that sort of thing.

Are you kidding? They're my favorites.

I think they're one of the Most underrated comedy teams

Of the '30s and '40s.

Surrealistic use of Violence and mayhem.

The almost chekhovian Interplay between curly and moe.

I like the ones with shemp.

I don't think we have Anything further

To say to each other.

Can I help you?

I want to report a kidnapping.

Okay, I'm sergeant wojciehowicz.

You want to have a seat Over here at my desk?

Come on.

You're miss, uh...

Lawson, christine lawson. Somebody's taken her.

Okay, you just sit down And relax, all right?

Come on.

Okay, miss lawson.

Can you tell me Who was kidnapped?

Victoria ellen.

She's never done Anything to anyone.

All right, all right. When did you see her last?

About 7:30 last night.

All right, all right.

Miss lawson, that's Not a long time ago.

Are you sure she didn't just Go somewhere by herself?

That's impossible.

Okay, it's just that...

If it is a kidnapping, we May have to call in the fbi.

Good.

Okay, then, let's get Some more information.

What's her address?

418 christopher street.

That's where my shop is.

Which shop is that?

The shop I own...

Christine's dolls And miniatures.

Does she have a Room there, or...

No, she mostly Stays in the window.

Huh.

Are we talking about a doll?

Yes.

Should I have Mentioned that earlier?

Sure, I realize expert Legal assistance isn't cheap,

But I still don't understand Why it costs so much.

I mean, look, you're Billing me here

For 37 hours of Work at $165 an hour.

Yeah, I mean, just what Does that time include?

Research.

Uh, yeah, depositions.

Filings... I understand.

Telephone consultation With the client.

Do you mean like now?

Bye.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Morning, captain.

Harris.

Barney, this lawsuit Is a nightmare.

I assume you're referring To "Blood on the badge," et al.

Barney, it's costing me a Fortune in legal fees already,

And we haven't even Gone to trial yet.

And I'm not so sure We're ready to go to trial,

And it starts in 10 days.

- I know. - huh?

I was handed this this morning.

Barney, I didn't tell Them to subpoena you.

It's not from you. It's From ripner's attorneys.

You mean they want you To testify for their side?

Oh, they must be Out of their minds.

Well, I was present

During most of the Incidents in question,

And I guess they figure my Testimony would be helpful.

So... Just out of curiosity,

Barn, what do You plan on saying?

I don't know.

Whatever questions they ask me,

I'll answer them as truthfully, As honestly as possible.

Oh.

Hey, look, I'm not...

Oh, that's okay, barn.

I mean, we can Always rip you apart

During cross-examination.

Good morning, barney. This is miss christine lawson.

This is captain miller.

Miss lawson owns a doll Shop over on christopher,

And somebody broke in last Night and stole one of her dolls.

They ransacked her house

And rummaged through Her personal things.

Apparently, it's Worth about $5,000.

$5,000?

I take it this is an antique.

She'll be 136 in april.

I see.

She originally Belonged to gustav,

Crown prince of bavaria.

He never married.

Um, well, miss lawson,

I assure you we'll do everything We can to retrieve... Her.

Harris, you and wojo Want to check it out?

I just hope they Don't mistreat her.

She's not used to being Touched by strange people.

Let's keep a good thought.

Captain, we had a Disturbance on broadway.

All right, you and... Shemp.

Fine.

Never let you forget.

Uh, yeah.

She's about 1'10", 3 1/2 Pounds, blonde hair,

Porcelain complexion,

Wearing an austrian Wedding gown.

No, she's not in trouble.

We just want to talk to her.

You know, it's Not just the $5,000

It would cost to replace Her that concerns me.

It's just that I've had Victoria in my shop

For nearly three years now,

And, well, you grow Attached to things.

I understand.

I remember the day I bought her.

I was in a little Toy store in vienna.

They had her sitting In a rocking chair.

I remember wondering

If this little piece Of cloth and china

Was really worth $200.

That's what you paid for her?

Uh-huh.

That means that...

That means she's appreciated 2,500% in three years?

Dolls are an excellent Hedge against inflation.

Oh.

And you can dress them, too.

I think I'd like that.

Yes?

Well, I mean, I think I Might be interested

In adopting one or two.

You'd give them a good home?

Oh, I've got a safe-deposit Box just waiting for them.

Pardon me.

Inside, buck rogers.

I'm telling you, I Have reservations.

So do we.

This is eugene corbett...

Disorderly conduct, Destruction of private property.

We picked him up

At the goddard institute For space studies.

It's a research Foundation funded by nasa.

Mr. Corbett was Creating a disturbance

In the reception area.

I was just trying to Get my seat confirmed.

What seat?

On the space shuttle. I'm going.

I see.

Unfortunately, the Nasa people don't.

They deny any Knowledge of mr. Corbett.

But I have a ticket. You show him.

Okay, according to mr. Corbett,

He paid a man outside the Planetarium $500 for this.

He said he was from the Space administration...

Advance sales.

"Nasa champagne shuttle.

"Departing cape canaveral, Florida, 10 a.M., april 7, 1981.

"Returning edwards Air force base,

April 8, 1981."

You see. I have a window Seat, non-smoking.

Mr. Corbett, I suspect There's a strong possibility

You've been defrauded.

You say you think the guy Really wasn't with nasa?

I would tend to doubt it.

But, I mean, he Had an I.D. Card.

He had an emblem on his jacket.

He even showed me Some moon rocks.

They're pressing charges?

Yeah, a man from Nasa's coming down.

All right, mr. Corbett,

We're gonna need Some more information

About the man who Sold you this ticket.

We're also gonna Have to book you.

I guess you think I Was pretty stupid, huh?

We've seen worse.

It's just that I've had a dream Of always going up there.

I figured this was My only chance.

We're not unsympathetic,

But I'm afraid we're still Gonna have to book you.

Okay, dietrich.

All right, mr. Corbett.

You want to take one Small step over here?

There's a sucker born Every minute, huh, sir?

I'm afraid so.

Maybe I can book the next one.

Harris: uh, barney?

Yeah.

I checked with pawn shops,

Other antique stores In the area, but no luck.

Hm.

They've done something To her. I know it.

Miss lawson, there's Really no reason for you...

They've probably Had their way with her.

Then they just tossed Her out of a car.

Just... Just have a seat.

At this very moment She's probably lying

In some back alley Torn and humiliated.

I'm certain she's fine.

At this very moment,

I bet sergeant wojciehowicz Is on his way back here

With some further information.

You want me to start Calling doll hospitals?

Just a thought.

It's coffee. We're All out of tang.

Oh, that's all right.

I go through a jar Pretty fast myself.

What's your business address?

Uh, 14th street and park,

Siegel's department store.

I'm an optician.

I've got my own booth

Right between Keys while you wait

And the immigration attorneys.

What's your home address?

916 west 25th street,

Terrace view apartments.

You know, nobody cares About space anymore? Hm?

Remember how it used to be?

When shepard first Went up? And then glenn?

Oh, how we used to Huddle around the tv sets

Holding our breath During liftoff,

Waiting for that Crackling voice from space

To tell us everything Was all right.

Oh.

What's your apartment number?

- a. - okay.

Just like old times, huh?

Mm-hm.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

- inspector. - inspector. - inspector.

Har.

Lug.

Always with a Different outfit, huh?

Well, inspector, you know How fast styles change.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

But to tell you The truth, harris,

Some of the stuff you wear

Strikes me as Being a little weird.

You know, with the Collars turned up,

The purple shirt, But I like this.

You do?

Sure.

It's the kind of Thing I'd pick up.

Oh, please.

No, really.

Hi, barney.

What brings you down, Business or just a social call?

Social call? Barney, I'm on duty.

The taxpayers pay me to Protect their interests,

Not to make a social visit.

Of course.

It's, uh, personal.

Oh.

There's a difference, barney.

Harris, barn.

What do you got?

Well, this was delivered A half an hour ago

To miss lawson's doll shop.

What is it?

A ransom note.

Oh, my god.

"We have your doll.

"If you want to see Her again in one piece,

"Put $5,000 in this box

"And follow the Enclosed instructions.

We're not kidding, The kidnappers."

They also put in A lock of her hair

And... One of her shoes.

This is really silly.

Uh-huh, right. They're at The park. They made the drop.

Okay.

What's going on, captain?

Sergeants Wojciehowicz and harris

Have placed the ransom as Directed by the kidnappers.

Well, what happens now?

Now, I'm afraid all We can do is wait.

Yes.

You don't think those people Might just take the money

And not let victoria go.

There's no reason For them to do that.

She hasn't seen anything.

Oh, I hope not.

Excuse me.

Inspector.

Sorry.

No, no. It's okay, barney.

Big important case You're working on...

Somebody lost their dolly.

Anyway, it gave me a Chance to go over this stuff.

What is it?

My assets, barney.

I decided I'd do a little Accounting, you know,

Figure out how much I got Socked away after all these years.

It's always a good idea.

And it's no sniveling Little sum, either, barney.

I'm sure it isn't.

Of course, it would Have been hard for me

Not to stash away some Cash after all these years.

I mean, living the Way I do, you know...

20 years in that dingy One-room apartment,

Cooking off a hot plate, Eating out at some greasy spoon.

Inspector...

And then, too, I never Got married, barney,

Never had any kids.

Inspector... I've Been lucky, barney.

Inspector, exactly what is It you need to know from me?

What do I do with it?

'cause you know, barney, You're my sole heir to my estate.

Inspector...

Whatever's in the pot when The old inspector checks out

All goes to you, barney.

- really, inspector... - I want you to have it, barney.

Fine.

Okay.

Well, as my beneficiary,

I thought maybe You'd have an opinion

As to what I can do With it in the interim.

Inspector, all I can say Is don't save it for me.

What else can I Do with it, barney?

I don't know. Take A trip somewhere.

Buy yourself a new car. Do something crazy with it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've always wanted to Take a trip down to florida.

Sure.

Visit that swamp.

Sounds nice.

But that'll only cost me a Few hundred bucks, barney.

Of course.

That'll still leave Me with $233,000.

I beg your pardon?

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm stuck with, barney...

$233,400, a few odd Pennies, to be exact.

And you think I ought to do Something crazy with it, huh?

Within reason.

Oh, excuse me.

Elvin swift, space Shuttle public relations.

I guess you're here To see mr. Corbett.

Yes, I would like to take care Of this as soon as possible.

I'm running a little Behind schedule.

No kidding.

Yes, but I'm still a bit Unclear as to all the details.

Well, it seems that Somebody sold mr. Corbett

A seat on your shuttle for $500.

But we would have taken it.

Huh?

Well, what with the current Budgetary reductions,

We gratefully accept Any monetary donations

From the private sector.

Want to have a seat over here?

As a matter of fact, a Scout group in nebraska

Is raising money to help Pay for the viking project.

I gave at the cape.

Oh, sure.

All right, come on. Get Inside here, montoya.

I trusted you guys.

Well, that was stupid.

Where's victoria?

Victoria's coming.

Here she is.

Is she all okay?

Montoya: hey, I Didn't touch her.

Barn, this is joseph montoya.

He's our kidnappers.

We staked out the garbage can.

After about a half hour,

Montoya peddles Up on his bicycle

And grabbed the box.

He didn't even look inside.

So we just followed Him back to his apartment

And got the doll.

Hey, the deal was, You give me the money,

I give you the doll.

We had an agreement.

So?

Well, so it ain't fair.

Hey, put yourself in my Shoes for a second, man.

They got her sitting Up there in that window.

The card says She's worth $5,000.

I figure I could fence Her for $2,000 easy, right?

Wrong.

Every place I take her, They make fun of me.

"What's your dolly's name? Does she have a friend for me?"

It was humiliating.

So you decided to Ransom her instead?

They do it with pets.

Montoya, do you want to just Take a seat over there, please?

Yeah, sure thing.

I'm just glad to get Her out of my sight.

Yeah.

You know, the whole Time I had her up in my room,

You know, making Up the ransom note...

Mm-hmm.

She kept staring at me With those little beady eyes,

You know, like I was Doing something to her,

Like she was human.

Man, look, don't worry about it.

You don't have to see her again

Till she testifies at the trial.

That ain't funny.

Miss lawson, we'll notify You as to your court date.

That's fine. Thank you so much.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid, uh...

Victoria's gonna Have to stay here.

Just till the trail.

She's evidence now.

But she's been through so much.

Believe me, she'll be fine.

Well, you are going to Keep her here with you?

Oh, of course.

We have a room right Upstairs... The property room.

But we'll look in on Her from time to time.

Thank you.

You know, captain, I know She's really just a doll.

It's just that...

Sometimes she seems So real that you forget.

I understand.

Oh, and when are visiting hours?

Anytime.

Thank you.

Oh, captain. This is Mr. Swift from nasa.

This is captain miller.

Thank you. Uh...

Sir, I really would Like to get on with this.

I've already canceled One appointment

And moved back another.

Oh, certainly. Tag her.

Look, mr. Swift, I Assume sergeant dietrich

Has pointed out the extenuating Circumstances in this case.

Well, yes.

Now, we don't Like to pursue this,

But mr. Corbett did break One of our shuttle models,

Costing over $75,

And we just don't have The money to replace it.

I'll pay for it.

Oh, well, it might Come close to $100.

Fine.

Is that a deal?

Sure, sure.

Dietrich, turn him loose.

I'll give you all The money you want.

I just want to come along, huh?

Well, mr. Corbett,

We certainly will Take your money,

But I'm afraid no Passenger flights are,

As of yet, scheduled,

Although they are envisioned By the end of this decade.

I can't wait that long.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

Although, they are looking For mission specialists.

Yeah?

Yes, now, that Requires no pilot status.

You just have to have Some kind of necessary skill.

Do you have any of those?

No, I'm just an optician.

An optician, really?

Yeah, I have a degree And a booth at siegel's.

Well, now, it just so happens,

We are sending up a Space telescope in '84,

And we are looking For a few good opticians.

You're kidding!

Of course, you'd have to Apply to the necessary agencies,

But if you have the right Qualifications, who knows?

A couple years, you may Be in orbit, mr. Corbett.

I'll do that.

Good luck. Good luck.

And as they say on the cape,

"All systems are go, so I will."

All right, mr. Corbett. Time To sign for your valuables.

Oh, thank you.

I can't believe I'm really going.

I know.

Wish me luck, huh?

Good luck.

All right, here you go.

And listen, don't Worry about the tiles.

What tiles?

The heat-protective tiles That cover the shuttle.

During test flights,

There was a problem With them falling off.

And, of course, the Loss of even a few

Critically placed tiles During the actual flight

Could cause the interior Of the shuttle to be exposed

To temperatures of 2,800 Degrees during reentry.

> and I burn easily.

Wear a hat.

Thank you.

Sir, can I take miss vicki now?

I'm gonna bring her up To the property room.

Okay.

I can't understand how Somebody would pay $5,000 for this.

People do strange Things with their money.

- barney. - yes, sir.

They make a nice couple.

I think I'll be Shoving off, barney.

Okay, inspector.

Listen, what we were Talking about in there,

You know, I think I'll just

Leave all that Dough sitting there,

Compounding daily for you.

Inspector...

So when the old Inspector cashes in...

Inspector, there's no Reason to talk like this.

You're gonna be Around for a long time.

I might even go before you.

Maybe we'll go together, barney.

Just kidding, barney.

Now, listen, just because I've got all that money

That you're gonna be getting,

I don't want it to Alter our relationship.

Believe me, it won't.

I don't want you to feel

You're gonna have to Start being nice to me.

If I get on your nerves, You just tell me off.

If I get out of line, Just kick me out.

Just don't poison me, barney.

Get out, inspector.

That's it, barney! Yeah!

So long, kiddo.