Original subtitles

So how do the eggs look today?

All right.

Why don't you let Me have 3,000 dozen?

Uh, yeah, and also 1/2 ton of bacon...

1,600 pounds of potatoes...

One toasted english.

And, uh, 1,500 gallons Of florida orange juice.

Yeah. Bye.

Are you ordering Breakfast for manhattan?

No.

It's commodities, barney.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I got tired of doing Just stocks and bonds.

There's a lot more action In the commodities market.

It's a lot riskier, Too, isn't it?

Well, I mean, you got to Know the right ones to buy.

I thought the... The hot Commodities were the grains...

Oats, alfalfa, buckwheat.

You forgot farina and spanky.

Very clever.

Hey, listen, uh, maybe You can use it here.

It's from the p.A.L.

They're staging their Annual benefit variety show,

And they're looking for cops With some performing background.

I do a pretty good Goethe impression.

"Take my soul, please."

Uh, barney, back in college,

Didn't you, uh, used To do a little singing?

Me? No.

Oh.

What do you say?

Well, not me.

I'm a cop.

What about wojo?

Forget it.

All right. Maybe next year.

You're the one who Started the whole thing!

Why don't you just Tell the truth?!

I mean, the guy must be Nuts! What are you, nuts?!

Take it easy!

What have we got?

Uh, this one is philip pollock.

I picked him in Washington square park,

And he's charged with Assault and battery.

He just jumped me for no reason.

He knows why!

According to a hot-dog Vendor who saw it happen,

Kelso here was walking Along the sidewalk by himself

When pollock came up behind him And grabbed him around the neck.

I asked him to please Just take my wallet.

He wouldn't!

When I got there,

Pollock had him on the Ground in a hammerlock.

I had to stop him!

From what?

There was a lady In front of him.

He was about to steal her purse!

He's crazy!

He's crazy.

Was he, uh, reaching For the purse?

No.

Well, was he Approaching the lady?

Was he, uh, making some Kind of hostile gesture?

Not yet, but he Was thinking of it.

How do you know? What are you... Psychic?

Yes, I am!

I have the gift of precognition.

I see.

So do I.

It's nothing to brag about. I was just born with it.

And, uh, the woman?

Well, uh, supposedly, She kept on walking.

She was late for a Dental appointment.

Thank you.

All right, mr. Kelso. Have a seat over here.

Sergeant harris will Take your statement.

Captain, we got a Disturbance on sixth avenue.

Barney: uh, you and levitt.

All right, mr. Pollock.

I'm afraid sergeant Wojciehowicz is...

I know... He's going to book me.

Which desk?

There can't be two of you.

- okay... - october 15th, 1946.

- uh... - harrisburg, pennsylvania.

I can't help it.

Sure.

I know that it's Hard for somebody

Who doesn't have the Gift to understand it.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me give you an example.

It's like... It's like The commercial,

You know, with the guy And the girl in the elevator,

And the girl is thinking,

"Cute guy. Wonder why he Keeps scratching his head?

Maybe he's got dandruff."

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I hear that.

Uh...

Let's get finished with The report, all right?

All right.

You can go first, if you like.

03432-1878.

Sorry.

I'm telling you, this is Destroying our civilization!

All right. Move it inside.

Move what?

Just get in there.

Captain, this is ronald hanna...

Disorderly conduct and Destruction of private property.

He was riding on a bus And ripped down that ad.

"Aunt sally's Kosher-style pickles."

For two years, I've been staring

At that travesty of The english language.

Read it.

"Aunt sally says, 'my pickles Are the tongue-teasingest,

The lip-smackingest, and The crun-crun-crunchiest.'"

I want her arrested.

Mr. Hanna's a professor of Linguistics and english at nyu.

Oh.

The english language

Is one of the most beautiful And expressive of all tongues.

But it's being corrupted and Debased by its chronic misuse.

Manufactured lingo, like that...

Dull-witted clichés, Redundancies,

Mindless phraseology.

"Save up to 50% and more!"

What does that mean?

I really don't know, Mr. Hanna, but...

Captain, it's not just a matter Of a stupid pickle slogan.

The manipulation of language Is one of the primary methods

Used by those in power to Confuse and divert the public.

A false statement isn't a lie.

It's simply "No Longer operative."

"War" becomes "Pacification."

And "Bombing"...

"The vertical deployment Of antipersonnel devices."

Well, you got some valid Points there, professor.

But I'm afraid we're gonna Have to book you anyway.

But I have a seminar at 3:00.

Hopefully, you'll be Out of here by then.

- "Hopefully"? - I can't guarantee it.

"Hopefully" means "With Hope," captain, not "I hope."

Did you mean that I will Be out of here with hope?

No! You meant that you Hope that I will be out of here!

Right. I hope so.

I'm sorry if I was a bit sharp.

But a tiny mistake like that,

Well, it makes Me a little crazy.

Irregardless, want to Have a seat over there?

Captain, should I put a Warrant out for aunt sally?

Huh?

Did you ever taste her pickles?

If you need me, I'll be downstairs...

Sitting quietly.

This day has been a nightmare.

First, I was walking down 6th avenue this morning.

A sign in a bank window

Was offering free gifts.

What other kind Of gifts are there?

Address?

514 east 25th street.

Then when I went to lunch,

Do you know what The specials were?

Steak o' bob and filet o' fish.

I agree with you,

That language has Deteriorated sharply

In recent years,

But let's get through with this.

Certainly.

Next o' kin?

What do you mean, eggs Have dropped 11 cents?

I thought they were The perfect food!

Nah, don't sell me out.

Listen, if you need more Cash to cover the margin,

Just give me a call back, okay?

Yeah.

I never eat eggs.

You know, it's people like you

Who are wreaking Havoc with this economy.

Hey, barn?

Yeah?

I checked pollock Here for priors.

He's clean.

But at the same Time, I checked kelso.

13 previous arrests...

9 of them for purse snatching.

Is that relevant?

I'm telling you, He attacked me...

For no reason!

Well, if he did, he sure Picked the right guy.

Uh, who is the victim Here... Him or me?

I'm not so sure.

You sign that complaint yet?

Oh, I haven't decided yet.

When I do, you'll be The first to know...

Probably.

I'm gonna go out to lunch today.

Okay.

No, you're not.

Excuse me?

I feel that something's Gonna stop you.

I sense a gloomy, Overbearing presence nearby.

Mr. Pollock, I... Afternoon, men!

Inspector luger. What A pleasant surprise.

Of course it is, har!

- barney. - inspector.

- wojo. - how you doing, inspector?

God bless poland.

Thank you, inspector.

What brings you down, inspector?

Well, I got a few things here

I'd like to go over With you, barn,

You know, in my capacity As media liaison officer.

I'm really sorry, inspector.

But I was... I was just Heading out for lunch.

Hmm. Ahh. Okay. Good deal.

No reason why we can't Go through this stuff

Over some chow, huh?

What do you say we ankle up to The oyster bar in grand central?

Uh, maybe it would be better To, uh, do it in my office.

Hey, whatever you say, barn.

Only you already had Me slurping them oysters.

Barn, robbery in progress... A liquor store on bleecker.

All right. Uh, you and harris.

Here, here, here, here.

No! Don't go!

We got to.

No, no, not you.

Him!

Don't go out!

Why not, mr. Pollock?

I don't know,

But something terrible Is going to happen.

You know this man is Seriously disturbed?

You still want to go?

Yeah. Sure.

It's been fun.

Inspector.

Forgot all about the Old inspector, huh, barn?

No. As a matter of fact...

Sitting here, all Alone, 20 minutes...

Nothing to do

But stare at an empty Bottle of aftershave lotion.

As a matter of fact,

I went downstairs and picked Us up a couple of sandwiches.

Oh. Good thinking, barn.

They're out of the machine, But... What have we got?

Well, there's egg Salad or olive loaf.

Ah. They finally sold it, huh?

Thanks, barn.

So... What were You arrested for?

Preventing a mugging.

Ooh.

How about you?

Defending the integrity Of the english language.

Doesn't seem quite fair.

Unfortunately, it's often

The very people who are Trying to preserve the society

Who are the first to Be persecuted by it.

Ain't it the truth?

It was nice talking to you.

So...

Every week, barn, I got to Hand out these news releases

To the gentlemen of The press, you know?

Keep them up-to-date on the Workings of the department,

As if it's any of Their business.

Huh?

Yeah.

But it ain't easy, barney.

You know, I'm supposed to Summarize all the decisions

That come down From the review board,

Like, uh... Oh, forget it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Here it is.

Yeah, this rotten apple From the 2nd precinct, barn.

Been on the force 25 years.

All this time, he's Taking kickbacks,

Shaking down the Local merchants.

The review board nails him

With 64 separate Counts of "Misconduct."

I thought I'd just Sum it all up by saying,

"Police officer retires."

Pretty much says It all, huh, barn?

Pretty much.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh. And here's A doozy, barney.

This is about the Departmental allocation

About who's gonna get the Bulletproof vests, you know?

It almost sounds like

The department's playing Favorites or something.

Inspector, uh... Didn't You say something

About wanting to Discuss something with me?

Right.

Concerning me?

Oh, no. No, no, not Concerning you, barn.

You never give me any problems.

It's just that I thought Maybe you wouldn't mind

Giving me a little Hand with this stuff...

You know, try to Make it sound good.

Aw, inspector.

Really, that kind of writing

Should really be Done by one person.

Styles, you know.

Yeah. Right, barney.

All right. I'll be back When you're finished.

I'm just kidding, barn.

Here. Come on. I'll help you.

Lefty?

Can I help you?

I'm roger joyce, Marketing director

Of aunt sally's Kosher-style pickles.

Oh. We were Expecting aunt sally.

She doesn't get out a lot.

Barn?

I need another word Here for "Extortion"...

You know, something that Don't sound so negative.

Yes?

Uh, excuse the interruption.

Mr. Joyce of aunt sally's Is here. You want to...

Yes. Yes.

Uh, inspector, Excuse me. I've got to...

Oh, sure. Okay, barney.

Go ahead. I'll be right here.

Uh, mr. Joyce, I'm captain miller.

I was in aunt sally's kitchen When I heard about this.

And I'm still Thoroughly confused

As to why anyone would Take such a violent action

Against our product.

You can't say things like that!

Apparently, mr. Hanna Took exception

To some of your Advertising copy.

But it's all true.

Our pickles are the Tongue-teasingest,

Lip-smackingest, Crun-crun-crunchiest.

We couldn't say It if it wasn't so.

Uh, I don't think that's What mr. Hanna had in mind.

Independently conducted Tests and surveys

Have proven conclusively

That when it comes to flavor, Texture, and crunchability,

No other pickle comes Close to aunt sally's.

I take it aunt sally Is pressing charges?

Yes, she is.

This way.

Uh, before we Proceed any further,

I-I think I should tell You that, in reality...

There is no aunt sally.

Oh?

We made her up.

I see.

There's nothing wrong with That. It's common industry practice.

Um, it adds a homey, Personal touch

That most people Seem to fall for.

Have a seat over there.

There's no sergio Valente, either.

I just talked to him yesterday.

No pacing.

I'm sorry, but I can't help it.

I'm trying to work Off my psychic energy.

Do it sitting down.

It's just that sometimes

The thoughts and The premonitions

Start coming so fast, Working into my head.

Oh, my god.

What's the matter? Something's coming.

Something good?

An earthquake... Roads buckling...

Buildings in rubble, People running, screaming!

How could this happen in iowa?!

Take it easy.

I see headlines.

Numbers going Up... 21, 23, 27...

Prime rate.

32, 36, over 40 billion served!

Or prime meat.

Wars! Economic collapse!

People rioting for food!

Oh, my god, they've Canceled "Lou grant."

I see sergeant Harris... In trouble.

He's in danger.

He's going down!

He's falling!

Plummeting!

Telephone.

The images are scrambling.

I-I can't tell what it is.

Something's coming!

You're just... Ohh...

For god's sake, Somebody help him!

Mr. Pollock, Just... Just sit down.

I sense resentment in the room!

Frustration!

Olive loaf!

Luger?!

Luger!

Uh... Do your own damn work!

Now, cut that out, Mr. Pollock! You just cut it out!

Sit down before you Embarrass yourself further!

I'm sorry.

Look who's back.

You're all right!

I'm sorry.

Get inside, guinness.

Well, that sounds reasonable.

What do you got?

Well, this is, uh, John guinness.

Tried to hold up A dodds liquors.

When we got there,

He was still waiting for The clerk to open the safe.

I'm standing there, I mean, With this tiny little gun.

It's no bigger than nancy's.

And this guy comes charging In there with a .38 special,

And he yells, "Freeze it, honky, Or I'll blow you to milwaukee."

Almost rhymes.

Then I drop it, and He gives me a big hug!

Go ahead, wojo. Book him.

Sit down over here.

Come on.

Hey, earl. What Are you doing here?

You snatch another purse?

Mr. Kelso, have you Made your mind up yet?

Oh, yeah.

Forget it.

Oh? You're not pressing charges?

I think he's suffered Enough, don't you?

It's up to you.

Then you're releasing me?

You're not under arrest.

Oh.

Right.

I'm, uh, gonna give you A break, mr. Mind reader.

Hope you appreciate it.

Thank you.

Sure.

Hey, kelso!

Yeah?

Forget about the jewelry Store on lexington.

Get out of there!

All right, you can Turn pollock loose.

I've signed the complaint.

Appreciate you coming down.

Oh, ron, your Broker just called.

Called earlier, too.

Uh, thanks.

You know, I'll bet you Just got hold of a bad jar.

I never had your pickles.

But, then, how Can you criticize?

I mean, if you've never Enjoyed the old-fashioned,

Down-home goodness Of aunt sally...

Mr. Joyce, I'm not talking About the pickles, per se.

I'm talking about the words You use to describe them...

"Tongue-teasingest, Lip-smackingest,

Crun-crun-crunchiest."

I'm surprised you don't Say "Ko-ko-kosherest."

Mr. Joyce, I really believe

If you'll just say What you want to say

With simplicity and Purity and precision,

You'll sell a lot more pickles.

"Ko-ko-kosherest."

P-please!

"Ko-ko-kosherest."

Ko-ko... Kosherific.

What?

What are you talking about?

Look, I had to go on a call.

Couldn't you have Covered it yourself?

I understand.

These things do happen.

Right.

My eggs.

I lost all my eggs.

I'm sorry.

My broker needed more Money to cover the margin.

He couldn't get a hold Of me, so he dumped them,

And I lost $2,100.

I told you not to go.

"I told you not to go."

Well, barn, I think I'll be Heading along back downtown.

Uh, well, we didn't Finish, inspector, did we?

No, no, but that's okay, barney.

I'll polish them off by Myself, maybe on the subway.

Whatever you say, inspector.

June 1, 1984.

Doesn't that date mean Anything to you, barn?

No.

That's when they put me Out to pasture... Retire.

I see.

After that, the old inspector Won't be coming down anymore,

Telling you the old stories,

Chewing off your ear Half the day at a time.

I'll be able to be Here the whole day.

Looking forward to it, barn.

Toodle-oo.

How come no one told Me about the variety show?