Original subtitles

Aw, come on. You promised Me the final cut two weeks ago!

Yeah, the... What do You mean, I got bumped

By an oral hygiene film?

Hey. Listen.

We are talking about

A significant cinematic Breakthrough

In the art of Pornographic sleaze!

Yeah, I mean, there's some Very important people

Who are waiting for this st...

Oh, never you mind who.

You just have it Finished for me today,

Or I'll find somebody Else who will.

Yeah, fine.

Captain, do you Want some coffee?

Yeah, I could use A cup of coffee.

Here it is.

Is that mr. Roth over there?

Yeah, that's him.

What's he doing going Through mug books?

He got mugged.

The man is blind.

You tell him.

Hello, mr. Roth.

Oh, hello, captain miller.

Yeah.

Sergeant dietrich tells Me you got mugged, huh?

Nice, huh?

I'm out walking in the park... Or at least I think I was.

I heard ducks.

Well, anyway, this Guy comes up to me,

And he said, "Hey, is that pia Zadora sitting over there?"

And I said, "Well, how The hell should -I -know?

I'm blind."

"Wait," he says.

And before I know It, he jumps me,

Grabs my wallet, and takes off.

Sounds like our friend.

Friend? Who?

Mr. Roth, I'm afraid

You're about the 10th Handicapped person

To be assaulted in The last few weeks.

Real class, huh?

Going around Picking on blind guys.

Not to mention the lame,

People with crutches And wheelchairs.

But, captain, people like Us don't have a lot of money.

I think he makes It up in volume.

Uh, this the report?

Yeah.

No witnesses, huh?

I was there.

I had in mind someone Who might give us

A physical description.

He smelled short.

Thank you.

Harris...

Oh, barn, you're supposed to Be back in your office by now.

Harris...

Look, I just got off The phone from editing,

And the movie should be Ready sometime this afternoon...

Or in the really near future.

Harris, if I'm not mistaken,

This modest little skin flick Which you were commissioned

To produce by the department

So that we may better Infiltrate the porno industry

Was budgeted at Slightly less than $3,000.

So?

So that was eight weeks ago,

In which time you have already Spent in excess of $22,000.

Oh, but just wait Till you see it.

I mean, it looks Like I spent $50,000.

Barn?

There's a disturbance In that conway building

Over on bleecker.

Who you on with?

Uh, dietrich. Who else?

Fellini's been busy.

Oh, that's my line.

Starry night productions.

Uh, you... Come on, dietrich.

Hey, great.

Yeah, that's terrific.

Ha ha! You're beautiful.

Bye.

I got it.

What?

That was postproduction.

They said I can pick up my Movie anytime this afternoon.

We gonna get to see it?

Well, sure. We all are.

Hey! Great!

Who's breathing? Ah-ha. Me.

Hi, captain.

Mr. Ross, you didn't, uh,

You don't happen to know what Happened to sergeant harris?

Yeah. He went out.

Said something about Digging up a projector.

And some hors d'oeuvres.

I see. Captain.

Would you like some coffee? I just made a fresh pot.

Oh. Pour yourself a cup.

Okay. Yeah, and then...

Then let me know How you like it, huh?

Okay. Huh?

Well. Pretty good. Tastes fine.

I always sprinkle a Little salt on the coffee.

Just before the brewing cycle.

Think it neutralizes The acid or something.

I see. I didn't know we Had any salt around here.

Felt like salt.

Well, mr. Roth, considering We have your, uh...

Your statement, um...

I really don't see there's Any reason you can't go home.

Home? I can't get in.

That punk stole my keys.

Well, I'll be glad to Call your manager.

He died.

Oh.

Well, anyway, Mr. Lukather, my roommate,

He's gonna pick me up.

Gets off work at 6:00.

Ah.

Well, then, I guess just Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you. Captain, Any particular place?

Here, come on over here.

Oh, good.

Thank you.

You know, I-I been Up here a few times.

Gee, I've known you A couple of years.

And I still don't know What you look like.

I guess that's true.

Captain... Can I feel your face?

All right, go ahead. Sure.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Nice.

Thank you.

You busy tonight?

I was just kidding.

Just have a seat, Mr. Roth. Just have a seat.

Just get inside, mr. Fuller.

Don't you understand? I Had to take their money.

They weren't gonna give me any.

Sounds reasonable.

What's this all about?

Well, uh, this is howard fuller.

We picked him up at An accounting firm.

He was... He was going From desk to desk,

Threatening the Secretaries with this.

Got them to empty their Purses into a wastebasket.

It was for charity!

Sure it was.

It was.

Mr. Fuller's a Professional fund-raiser.

"The giving hand, a nonprofit Charitable organization."

First, he threatened The treasurer

When his firm wouldn't give Him a corporate donation.

Then he started shaking Down the secretaries.

They don't understand. I've got quotas to meet.

But everywhere I go, I Get the same excuses.

"Maybe next year."

"Business is down." "Interest rates are up."

"We gave at the office."

Who do they think They're kidding?

I'm in the office!

Sorry about that, mr. Fuller.

"Sorry" doesn't cut it if You need a transplant, pal.

All right, pal. Transplant it over there.

Extra, extra, read all about it.

Inspector frank d. Luger,

Ace media-liaison Officer of the nypd,

Has arrived at The 12th precinct.

That was in this Morning's paper.

D.D. Ah, you're a caution.

How are you, inspector?

Fine, barn, just fine. Wojo.

Wojo: hey, inspector.

Mr. Shearing. Meh.

Haven't seen you In a while, inspector.

Well, you know How it is, barney,

Settling down into a new Job down at headquarters,

Trying to get the Lay of the land.

Responsibility... Juggling them

Big decisions You have to make...

At the same time, Trying to keep tabs

On the pulsebeat of The entire department.

Barney, there are just Not enough hours in the day.

Sounds challenging.

I hate it.

Huh?

Still got that couch In your office, barn?

So, the way I figure it, barney,

The department is Kind of... Rewarding me.

You know, showing Their gratitude

For all the loyalty And dedication I put in

For lo these many years.

So they dish up this nice, Prestigious job for me,

A piece of cake down At the headquarters.

And?

It stinks.

What's the problem?

Well, it's just been... Been hell for me, barney.

I don't even feel Like I'm a cop anymore.

Eh?

I mean, chained Behind a lousy desk,

Cooped up in a crummy Little office like this

Day in and day out?

Taking all the guff from Them snotty reporters

And them tv newspersons, barney?

Getting no respect From my underlings

Because I'm like the new kid On the block, understand?

All right, maybe I always don't Do everything exactly right.

Maybe I don't know how To run a xerox machine.

So go ahead... Put A bullet in my brain.

Sorry it didn't work Out the way you expected,

But, well, inspector, Maybe you, uh...

Maybe you should Just face the facts.

Maybe you're just not Cut out for this kind of job.

Then why did you Recommend me, barney?

Showtime.

Huh?

The movie... It's here.

Great.

Barney?

Is this that smutty, Disgusting stag film

That harris has been working on?

Uh, yeah.

Well, what do you say? Let's take a peek, eh?

We can talk anytime.

What's going on? Showing a movie.

Motivational film, huh? Yeah. Something like that.

Crab puff?

Thank you.

Just one.

Everybody ready?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hubba-hubba!

Let's see a little Skin up there,

A little skin.

Aww!

Boo! Boo! Boo!

Come on!

Luger: put them on hold.

12th precinct. Wojciehowicz.

Okay, we'll get someone there.

Robbery in progress Over at madison

In front of the house of canes.

That's where I got mine.

All right, wojo and levitt, go.

Thanks a lot, barn.

I brought up the projector!

Come on.

Okay, try it again.

Yeah. Try it.

Man: so, have you been in The city long? Woman: no.

As a matter of fact, I had Just stepped off the train

When you stepped into my life.

I simply smiled.

But the warmth of that smile

Juxtaposed against The cold indifference

Of the driven crowd Drew me toward you.

An inexplicable cacophony Of primordial passion

Erupted in my head, saying, "Go. You must go to him."

I'm glad.

So, more wine?

I'm having some.

Please.

Some cheese?

Gouda?

Of course it's gouda.

I just-a bought it.

Anybody want something From the snack bar?

Well, here we are.

The bedroom, of Course. Predictable.

Oh? Does that bother you?

I am neither hot nor bothered.

I'm frightened.

Aren't they doing anything yet?

Nah, they're just Standing around,

Chewing the fat.

Nah, that's later.

Can I help you? I'm captain miller.

Oh, carl bernie, President, giving hand.

Excuse me?

Giving hand.

Oh, oh, oh, right.

I don't mean to interrupt Your morale session, captain,

But I understand you're Holding our mr. Fuller.

Uh, can this wait a moment?

No problem, captain.

I'll watch the movie.

Down in front!

I am sorry.

The disco is quite Crowded tonight.

Thank god we were Attractive enough to get in.

You've changed.

You find me lovely?

You were born to Wear designer jeans.

And you were born to Make designs on them.

Who wrote this?

I did.

Why?

Harris, where's the sex?

There's been a little. Hold your horses.

It's been an hour. They're still dancing.

Where's the sex?

There's a relationship Forming here.

These people aren't cheap.

Harris...

I want to see some Hard-core. I want to see it now.

Calm down, barney. It's coming.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

What is this?

Shut up, will you?

I hate coming in the Middle of a movie.

So do I.

Barn...

Just, uh, just find Someplace to sit.

Aren't you gonna start It again for me and levitt?

Sit down!

Park it over there.

That's where I was gonna sit.

Shh!

Excuse me.

Stroke of genius,

Inviting the entire disco over.

They're yours to enjoy...

An amber field of Beautiful people,

A mountain range of flesh,

A river of good grooming.

Harris: cocktail, madame?

Thank you, black stallion.

Harris!

Hitchcock does it.

You put a spell on me.

I want you to Touch my everything.

Shall we join the Others in the bedroom?

Let's.

My god.

Satisfied?

They are.

What's happening? I Don't hear any breathing.

You wouldn't want to.

Lance... I am here.

And the others?

No. There's only us.

I want you, lance, All for myself.

As do I you.

Take me.

It's...

Our destiny.

Are we supposed to stand up?

I used to eat that cereal.

Uh... Well?

Pretty good, harris...

What I saw of it.

Same here.

Uh, thank you.

Arthur?

I give it three smiles.

Great.

You got stuff in there That would gag a maggot.

Thank you, inspector.

Barney?

Uh, we'll talk later.

Let's, uh, let's get the Place cleaned up, huh?

Mr. Bernie, would you Excuse me for a minute?

Of course.

Wojo, is this our man?

Yes, uh, arthur duncan.

He tried to jump a Guy with a clubfoot.

Only one.

Anyway, barn, uh, a bunch Of construction workers

Saw the whole thing, So they grabbed him,

And they held him Till we got here.

Never had a chance.

How unfortunate.

Uh, captain?

Yeah?

That sounds like the Guy who robbed me.

Are you certain Of that, mr. Roth?

Just make him say "Pia zadora."

I don't have to say nothing.

That's him.

Thank you, mr. Roth.

Okay, mr. Roth, come Back and have a seat.

Good work.

Over here, duncan.

We're gonna book you. Sit down.

Hey, uh, I know What you're thinking.

A guy who picks on gimps... A real lowlife, right?

Scum of the earth,

Something that crawled Out of the sewer.

Close.

Well, I'm not exactly in Love with myself, either,

But try to mug joe Average these days.

Everybody's into kung Fu or packing a gun,

Broads struttin' around With their little cans,

Spraying mace on Anything that moves.

It's a jungle out there.

You're safe in here.

Sit down.

I'm thinking of changing My line of work.

To what... Grave-robbing?

That's funny.

Course, nobody gets hurt.

So you hated it?

No. No, uh...

It wasn't quite what I expected.

But I can see what You tried to do.

Tried?

Barney, I have personally

Lifted pornography Out of a pool of drool,

And made it into an art!

And we appreciate it.

However, it, uh, Was a bit verbose.

The choice of music Was questionable.

Wouldn't hurt to lose About a half an hour in editing.

You could probably... Everybody's a producer.

Barney? Yeah.

It's still early.

I think I'll be toddling along Back down to headquarters.

Okay, fine, inspector.

Yeah.

They probably want To try and squeeze in

Another hour or two

Of verbal abuse and Degradation on the old inspector

Before kicking him Out for the night.

Inspector, I really think You're approaching this

With the wrong attitude.

You're not giving yourself Or them a fair shake.

I knew you'd say Something like that, barn.

Nice try.

The point is,

We simply can't have our People running about willy-nilly,

Threatening potential Donors with sharp instruments.

You can scarcely expect Someone to give from the heart

If there's a knife in it.

Captain miller.

Sorry, mr. Bernie, I was, uh...

I just want to emphasize

That mr. Fuller's Unfortunate methods

Were entirely of His own choosing

And are in no way Representative of

Or sanctioned By the giving hand.

Of course.

We simply explain the Function and goals

Of our noble organization

And then allow the individual

To be guided by his Own conscience...

Gently reminding Him first, however,

That our true acquisitions Lie only in our charities.

We gain only as we give.

Lovely sentiment.

Unfortunately, we still Have a problem... Mr. Fuller.

I don't. He's fired.

What? You're not Even gonna bail me out?

No.

Goodbye, captain.

Hey... Hey, mister?

You're with a charity, right?

Yes.

I'm blind.

So? Get a dog.

12th precinct. Sergeant dietrich.

Yeah, hold on a second.

Captain, deputy Commissioner's office.

Oh.

Captain miller here.

Ah, yes, as a matter of Fact, we just previewed it.

I think you're gonna be, uh...

Quite pleased.

What?

I-I understand it's Your prerogative,

But, uh, sergeant harris Has gone to considerable...

Yes, I'll tell him.

Okay.

Right.

Tell me what?

Uh, there's been a Slight change in plans

With regard to the movie.

What, they want to show It to the big brass first?

Not exactly, no.

Seems the commissioner's Office has had second thoughts.

Well, the possibility Of entrapment,

Bad publicity for The department.

They decided to scrap The whole project.

You're joking.

I'm afraid not.

Well, what...

What do they want To do with the movie?

They want to... Destroy it.

They can't have it.

It's mine.

What?!

I mean, it's a part of me now.

I mean, this is the product Of my sweat, my inspiration.

Harris, it's a dirty movie.

It's my firstborn.

Look, harris, I can appreciate How you might feel about this,

But the department Has made a decision.

It's up to us to abide by it.

No.

Look, uh, I'll tell you what.

I'll have wojo run it over.

That way, if it's Out of your hands,

Maybe it won't be so painful.

Thanks. Make me kill his kid.

It's okay, barney.

I'll run it down myself.

Okay, fine.

I brought it along this far.

I can see it through to the end.

I'll be back.

Hey, ron?

Make me a print, too.