Original subtitles

I'm perfectly certain

This is all part of an error On the part of my bank.

But, mrs. Stratton, I mean, since 1967,

You've bounced more Than 250 checks in 48 states.

I'm going to hawaii next month.

Or possibly not.

Sergeant...

I intend to make full Restitution of every cent.

But, mrs. Stratton, These overdrafts here,

They total, I mean, Almost $40,000.

I'll give you a check, darling.

If I had known you were a cop,

I wouldn't have tried To pick your pocket.

No kidding.

It's just that your Pants got me excited...

Stretchy double knits, wallet Bulging out of your pocket

Like it was a load of laundry.

Come on. Inside.

Everybody else is wearing Those tight french jeans.

Try and get your hand in them.

I know what you mean.

I finished processing kingman.

Fine.

So, I'll run him over to The tombs in a few minutes,

And then I'll come back.

Fine.

I can come back?

More rumors, wojo?

The guy in pictures and prints

Just told me that They're going to bust

A bunch of junior Grades back to uniform

And ship them over To manhattan south.

I hear staten island.

Staten island?

I'm just kidding, wojo!

You know, that's how Rumors get started, barn.

I've been hearing the Same rumors you have

About precinct closings,

Demotions of third Grades, sergeants.

Captains.

The point is, there has Been no definite word yet,

And until there Is, the thing to do

Is not to pay any Attention to idle gossip.

You guys hear the latest?

What?

Sir, you want to get in on this?

All right, levitt, What do you got?

This is leonard Roth, a cabdriver.

Mr. Roth was robbed at gunpoint,

Then locked in the Trunk of his hack.

Right. Four days ago.

And you're just reporting it?

I just got out!

Oh, I see.

Four days in a hot And stinking trunk...

I was pounding and Screaming my lungs out,

And no one lifted a finger.

Why don't you have A seat, mr. Roth?

There were people Walking by all the time.

I'm begging for help, And they're saying,

"Ignore it. It Doesn't concern us.

Maybe it's allen funt."

Obviously, somebody Did let you out.

Oh, sure... Some Clown rear-ended me,

And the trunk popped open.

He didn't know I was in there.

You want to have a seat? We'll show you some pictures.

Maybe you'll recognize somebody.

Yeah, thank you.

Uh, dietrich, want to Take care of mr. Roth?

No.

No, I wouldn't... So don't ask.

Sir, if you need anything else,

I'll be downstairs getting My things together.

What?

To be prepared to Vacate the premises.

Didn't you know, sir?

According to informed sources,

They're tearing Down the precinct

To make room for luxury Low-income housing units.

Where did you get that one?

The catering truck.

Okay. Got it.

Barn, there's a disturbance

At a dry cleaners Over on bleecker.

Uh, you and wojo.

Somebody's going to have To bounce mrs. Stratton

Over to manhattan south.

I'll take care of it.

Okay. Let's go, woj.

- hey, harris. - yeah?

Have you heard anything About them busting detectives

Back to uniform?

Hey, man. I wouldn't Worry about it.

Well, I'm not gonna buy Any new clothes for a while.

That's always a good idea.

All right, come on in here.

I'm warning you. You keep That terrorist away from me!

Don't you threaten Me, you expansionist pig!

Watch who you're calling A pig, you camel driver!

Hey! Both of you, knock it off.

I have a station wagon.

What's going on here?

Oh, barn, you know Mr. Cotterman,

Cotterman's liquors.

- mr. Cotterman. - hello, captain.

Barney, this is Mr. Steven haddad.

This is captain miller.

Mr. Haddad owns the cleaners Next door to cotterman.

He's an arab.

So? You didn't Introduce him as a jew.

He knew it already, right?

All right, what's happening?

Well, barn, according To mr. Cotterman,

Mr. Haddad tossed a brick

Through the front Window of his store.

While my back was turned... But what else is new?

If I was going to throw a Brick, I'd throw it in your face!

All right, all right. What's the problem?

There's no problem, captain.

- tell him to stay Out of my alley. - your alley?

My liquor store was there Before your dry cleaners.

He puts his trash bins In where I park my truck!

I need room for the ice machine.

So what goes in Next... A kibbutz?

Anyway, when mr. Cotterman

Confronted mr. Haddad With the brick,

A six-minute war ensued,

During which they took a Couple swipes at each other.

I take it the Charges are mutual?

Oh, yeah. They agreed on that.

We're going to need A few statements.

I know the procedure, captain.

Sergeant harris, shall we?

Mr. Haddad, if you'll Have a seat over here,

Sergeant wojciehowicz Will take your statement.

I didn't throw that brick.

Regardless, we're going To have to book you.

Sure. Why not? I'm an arab, right?

Aren't we responsible for All that's bad in the world...

The mideast violence,

The hostage situation, The energy problem?

Don't all speak at once.

Have a seat, mr. Haddad.

You know, you Got a horrible stain

On the back of your sweater.

So what?

I'll just toss it in the Sink with a little woolite.

It's good as new.

Sure. Take your best shot.

Go pitch a tent.

Where?

Your zionist hoodlums Sold our homeland.

Zionist hoodlums?

Where'd you pick that Up... Lynn redgrave?

That's vanessa, stupid.

Lynn is the one on The hospital show.

What hospital show?

You know, the one with the guy That used to be on "M♪a♪s♪h."

Oh, yeah.

Why isn't he on "Trapper john"?

How do I know?!

Ask the guy from "Bonanza"!

You ask him. What Am I... Your slave?

You were once.

It's good to see you gentlemen Have reached an accord.

- what?! - good.

Wojo, you want to turn

Mr. Haddad and Mr. Cotterman loose?

Harris, would you Get their valuables?

Captain, I'm still Pressing charges.

So am I! We despise Each other, right?

Absolutely.

Which is why I admire you Gentlemen all the more,

Putting aside your Petty differences

In the face of more Compelling issues

Like police manpower shortages,

Departmental budget cuts,

Detectives working Double caseloads.

You want us to leave?

Fine.

Come sign.

I wouldn't ordinarily do this,

But as a special Favor, captain...

Thank you.

Mr. Haddad.

If he can be gracious, so can I.

Wonderful.

And I'm sure if you two Gentlemen would sit down

And discuss your problems Face-to-face across the table,

You would come up with a Just and lasting solution.

Sure, when the Red sea parts again.

If it did, you'd build A settlement there.

So! We made the desert bloom.

Usurper! Martinizer!

Good day, gentlemen!

At least they're talking.

Ah, the same to you, bub.

It just so happens I had This suit washed last week.

Barney, inspector luger's here.

Thank you.

Luger: hi, barn. How you doing?

Ah, inspector.

Nice to see you All here together.

Ah, what's up?

Uh, nothing much, barney,

Just a minor Departmental policy change

That will alter the lives

Of every man, woman, And child in the nypd.

Well, what is it?

None of your business, wojo.

Just kidding, just kidding.

Can we go into Your office, barn?

If this affects everybody,

I'd just as soon we All hear it firsthand.

Sure. Why not?

Well, you know how The big brass downtown

Is always trying to make Changes in the department...

You know, goose Up the efficiency,

Bolster the productivity,

All that pie-in-the-sky garbage?

Yeah. Well, they're doing it.

How?

Specialty squads.

Specialty squads? Yeah.

Now instead of having to go Out on every piddly little call

That comes into The precinct, see,

You expand your area of Operation and specialize...

Like one squad will Be strictly bunco,

One will be vice, one Will be narcotics...

And us?

Well, I had to pull a Few strings, barney,

Call in a couple of I.O.U.S,

But I got you homicide.

Yeah, yeah, no more Second-class collars

For my boys from The good old 1-2.

So from now on, it's going To be strictly murder.

Thank you, inspector luger.

Uh... But I've been Waiting a week.

You guys promised You'd have it for me today.

Well, I don't care if You've got a bludgeoning

And a suicide pact ahead of me,

I need an official cause Of death for my report.

I know he was stabbed 27 times.

Look, haven't you got a latin Term for that or something?

Okay, then.

Multiple...

Stab wounds.

You see, sergeant dietrich,

I have always placed a Great deal of emphasis

On good grooming And personal hygiene.

Well, you know, Clothes make the man...

Cleanliness is Next to godliness...

A smile and a shoeshine.

Those are my mottoes. Right.

Well, when I realized what That person had done to me,

I understandably Became a little upset.

You slit your barber's throat.

Of course. Look What he did to my hair.

It looks fine to me.

Oh, no. That's Where you're wrong.

The sideburns are Measurably uneven.

It's tapered Crooked in the back.

He gave me a cowlick.

I look like alfalfa in "The little rascals."

Yeah, now I see it.

Yes. Everyone does.

Jenkins report finished yet?

No.

The medical examiner's Backed up till next week.

You can never get an Autopsy when you need one.

Hello, people.

How did it go?

Eh, same as the others...

Mutilated body Sitting in a garbage can,

Hacked up into Manageable portions

And stuffed into Assorted trash bags.

I see.

Ah, danish.

Any leads at all?

Well, I think I got It narrowed down

To somebody who's really sick.

Anyway, I tagged the remains And had them sent downtown.

Write it up and Keep me apprised.

Don't let it get to You. Hey, no problem.

No, there's nobody in there.

Just checking.

Captain, I finished the Arrest report on st. Martin.

Oh, fine.

"Probable motive... Too much off the top"?

Well, take a look at him.

To tell you the truth,

It's been, what, Almost two weeks now?

I'm really not completely Adjusted to our new clientele.

Actually, it's not That much different

From the old caseloads.

There's minor squabbles, Family disputes, petty thefts...

Same as before.

Except now we've got their guts

Splattered all over The sidewalk, right?

You could let a guy finish.

Can I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I couldn't help but Admire your hair.

It's perfect.

Thank you.

You probably had to Kill a lot of barbers

Before you found the right one.

Okay, henry. Time for Pictures and prints.

Oh, no. I couldn't possibly Have my picture taken.

Not looking like this. We Been through this already.

Let's go!

Perhaps if I saw his barber... Outta the chair, henry!

You're through!

Sir, your mail.

What's all that?

Unsolved cases of a Non-homicidal nature...

You're supposed to Give them your okay

Before pawning them off on Our various specialty squads.

Okay.

Something else, levitt?

Sir, I just want to say that While I realize at the moment

I'm only an Administrative drudge,

Sir, my only request is That in the hopeful event

Of an unwieldy amount Of senseless bloodshed,

I.E. Gangland slayings, Terrorist bombings...

God willing, a tower killer...

That you'll bear in mind

That I'm still available For squad-room duty.

I'll keep it in mind.

Bless you.

Don't shoot. It's me.

Bang, bang.

Aah!

Ah ah. Didn't say, "Freeze."

Oh, darn.

Hey, carol.

Hi, wojo, diet, har.

Inspector.

Seems kind of dead in here.

Business is good, hmm?

Oh.

Who did mr. Belvedere kill?

His barber.

Ahh. Lovers' quarrel, hmm?

Bad haircut, so He slit his throat.

Mmm. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What kind of a murdering scum

Do you call yourself, Anyway, hmm?

Henry.

Look, if your barber Gives you a bad trim,

Lets a couple of itchy Hairs fall down your collar,

So you don't tip him, you Swipe his copy of cavalier.

Ah, inspector, What brings you...

Don't go slicing a man's Throat from ear to ear!

Social visit? Huh?

Just wondering what Brings you down here.

Oh, nothing much, barney,

Just a little quasi-official Personal business.

You got a few minutes, barn?

As a matter a fact, I've Got about 75 case files

On my desk I got to go through.

Ah, good.

Well, then, one more little Thing won't matter, will it?

Got your pictures For you, arthur.

Oh, boy.

Dead barber from the left, Dead barber from the right,

And, of course, your Dead barber dead-on.

What's this?

Oh, well, when I saw you Standing over the body,

Making notes, I thought It would make a cute shot.

It does. You can keep it.

Thank you. My mother's Been asking me for a picture.

Which one's harris?

Uh, I am.

Hi. I'm ron harris.

Alex kramer.

I worked up a composite for You of your hacked-up torsos.

Ah.

My, aren't these lovely?

What, uh...

What happened to the Other photographer?

He quit.

Listen, why don't You take a seat,

And we'll look these over?

Oh, look, could I get You some coffee or tea?

Coffee.

How do you take yours? Black.

Oh, good.

So, anyway, barney,

With this departmental Reorganization going on,

You know, and all our people

Being shuffled around From pillar to pole,

It figures there's going To be a few jobs available

With the hierarchy downtown.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

No, no, not that I'm Exactly miserable

Schlepping around The way I do now, barney.

But let's face it, you know?

The old inspector...

Isn't getting any Younger, barney, hmm?

There's no reason why I Shouldn't try to grab off

One of them cushy desk Jobs in my declining years...

A title maybe, you know,

Nice nameplate on the Desk, a little prestige.

I deserve it, barney.

Absolutely... And I'm Sure they'd welcome

A man of your caliber And expertise downtown.

I knew you'd say that, barney.

That's why I'd like Your recommendation

On this Performance-evaluation form.

There you go.

Huh?

I know you'd jump at The chance, barney,

To give a favorable, Objective appraisal

To a man who's Treated you like his son

For all these many years.

Uh...

What exactly is it I'm Recommending you for?

No big deal, barney...

A little desk tucked away In a corner someplace

In the Public-information office.

You're kidding.

No!

What do they call It... Uh, media liaison

Or some crapola like That, barney, that's all.

You know, I talk to the public And meet with the press and...

Like, suppose some poor Slob of a cop, you know,

Gets his fingers Caught in the till,

Or maybe he's put a slug into Some innocent bystander, huh?

I go down and talk to reporters,

Give them a little Song and dance...

"Yes, we're looking Into this very carefully.

"We're conducting a Thorough investigation.

"In the meantime, why the Hell don't you just run along

And mind your own business?"

Something wrong, barn?

No, no, no, uh...

Well, I don't see you Writing anything down.

Uh, well, uh, Um... Uh, ha ha. I...

Barney, a ballpoint right here.

What're you up to?

Nothin'.

Waiting for the morgue to call.

Aren't we all?

Yeah.

I guess a detail Like this gets ya...

Gets you thinking about When you're gonna die.

I wasn't.

I mean, life is...

Is really just marking Time till it's over.

Sitting around waiting For something to happen.

Is mike douglas on tonight?

Who?

Excuse me. Is this homicide?

Uh, over there is.

This is homicide.

- may I help you? - I may have one.

Well, uh, want to Have a seat, miss...

Mrs. Harriet shulton.

Shulton... Who's the Victim, mrs. Shulton?

My husband, david shulton.

When did it happen?

That's up to vincent.

Who's vincent?

The man I hired to kill david.

Barney!

Huh?

Miss shulton, you Put out a contract

On your husband's life?

Yes, but I want to cancel it.

I can do that, can't I?

I'm afraid the only calls We make now are homicide.

Homicide?

- you're not serious. - I'm afraid so.

But, captain, I've been Bringing my business here

For 15 years. Couldn't You make an exception

- for a regular customer? - I'm afraid not.

I think the, uh, man from Glad has struck again.

They, uh, found another Body stuffed in the garbage bin

A couple of blocks from here.

Was it wearing a thin tie?