Original subtitles

How's it going, wojo?

Pbht!

That well, huh?

Barn, these files are Totally screwed up.

Okay, what's the problem?

The file on prostitution.

Yeah?

It's empty.

That doesn't seem possible.

Nick had them filed According to specialty.

"C" for "Call girls,"

"S" for "Streetwalkers,"

"M" for "Massagers,"

And, uh..."T" for...

Uh... Tarts?

Trollops?

Twins.

The inscrutible little scamp.

- uh, barney. - yeah.

Some more bogus notes here,

Same high quality as the others.

Any purchases we can Check them against...

Cameras, stereo, nothing?

Nope, just staples... A Loaf of bread, a dozen eggs.

That would take an Awful lot of purchases

To produce enough change

To make an operation Like this worthwhile.

I got a theory, barney.

Maybe we're dealing

With somebody who's Just plain stupid.

Barn, I mean, it's Just a theory.

I didn't... Excuse me, sergeant.

I looked through All those pictures,

And the guy that passed Me that funny money...

He ain't in there.

Okay, thank you, mr. Becker.

Oh, mr. Becker, this Is captain miller.

Mr. Becker.

- pleased to meet you, captain. - mr. Becker.

I got a description, barn,

And it's in circulation Now, so, uh...

Fine.

Thank you, mr. Becker. We Appreciate your cooperation.

Only wish there were More citizens like you.

Oh! By the way, where Do I get my money?

I beg your pardon?

Well, you know, The reimbursement

For that fake Stuff I brought in.

I'm afraid there is no Reimbursement, mr. Becker.

Didn't sergeant harris explain

The implications of Your cooperation?

I save it till last, barney.

It's a bad habit I got.

Barn, there's a disturbance

Over at the medical Arts center on 14th.

I'll take it.

Those files will still be Here when you get back.

Okay.

- take a uniform. - all right.

Now, let me get This thing straight.

If I had kept this money

And then passed it Off to some other jerk,

Then I wouldn't be out anything.

Right.

But if I do my duty Like a good citizen,

Report it, turn the money in,

Then I'm out 36 bucks?

Right.

Oh.

Now I got it.

You know, they never tell you

About these little Things in civics class.

I'm sorry...

All they ever tell you is you Should vote in every election

And that everybody is Entitled to a little justice.

There is no justice, In or out of court.

Clarence darrow.

But... Upholding the law Is everybody's business.

Dick tracy, "Crimestoppers' textbook."

Did you talk to the Treasury department yet?

Uh, yeah.

Any mention of assistance In the counterfeit case?

In a lackluster sort of way.

They said they'll shake an Agent loose as soon as they can.

Wonderful. By that time, We can solve it ourselves.

I kind of believe that's What they're counting on.

Ta-da! Surprise!

Guess who!

Inspector.

Yeah!

How are you?

Good to see you.

- hey, har. - how you doing, inspector?

- welcome back. - thanks, d.D.

It's good to be back In harness again.

You know? Huh? I want To thank all of you.

I want to thank all of you

From the bottom of This slightly defective

Little old ticker of mine, huh?

I just never Expected to see you...

What, to pull through?

No!

To be up and around so soon.

I did.

Just my familiarity with Modern post-cardiac care.

They want to get you out

And exercise your Weak heart muscles.

Dietrich?

Inspector?

Dietrich, after all, it Is my heart condition.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean To steal your thunder.

I'm kidding, dietrich.

See you in the office In a minute, barney.

- sure. - thank you.

Wise-guy know-it-all.

I want to see this Butcher locked up!

Who you calling a Butcher? I'm a doctor.

Oh, you got two jobs Now, huh? Big deal!

Hey, hey, put a lid on it.

Yeah, that goes for me, too!

Best to be consistent In these matters.

What do we got, wojo?

Well, this is robert lovell,

And this is dr. Rene boudreau.

Dr. Boudreau? What's the problem?

This hack mutilated my wife.

I improved your wife.

Okay, okay. Improved?

Yeah, dr. Boudreau's A plastic surgeon.

So he worked on Mr. Lovell's wife.

Looks like he worked On her with a jackhammer!

Mr. Lovell went down There and took a punch at him.

By the time we got there,

They were rolling Around the waiting room.

Mm-hmm, and he broke one Of my early-american lamps.

He's nothing but a big bruiser.

My, my, aren't we savage?

All right, all right, all right.

Wojo, you want to Take care of mr. Lovell?

And, dr. Boudreau,

Sergeant dietrich will Take your statement.

Dietrich: over here, doc.

Wojo: okay, lovell, Come on. Let's go.

Will there be Anything else, sir?

No, uh, levitt, Uh, that'll be all.

Uh, sir.

- I just... Oh, uh, Ahem, barney?

You understand.

Yes, sir.

Priorities.

Detectives dump on the uniforms,

Captain dumps on the detectives,

And the commissioner Dumps on everybody.

You know that balance Of nature stuff?

It stinks.

I tell you, barney,

You get hit with Something like this,

It makes you stop for a minute.

It makes you step back And take a long, hard look

At this crazy Quilt we call life.

Yeah, that's true.

Pardon me, barn?

I said, yes, that's Right. That's true.

I guess... Sooner or later

We all contemplate Our mortality.

Well put, barney.

That's just what agnes says.

Who?

Agnes, my... My lady friend.

Oh, right, yes, agnes.

Of course, she doesn't use The fancy language like you do.

She... How did she put it?

She says, "Life is like A merry-go-round.

"Sometimes we get On... Nice, smooth ride.

"And sometimes the Motor goes out of control.

You get thrown off your Pony right onto your keister."

Agnes said that?

That's why I want to talk To you about her, barney.

Okay, what's your occupation?

I run my own import business.

In fact, I was in Korea buying baskets

When this joker Carved up my wife!

Hey, your wife did Consent to it, right?

She signed a paper, if That's what you mean.

That's what I mean.

That woman will sign anything... Petitions to ban the bomb,

Stop pollution, Save the baby seals.

It's depraved, isn't it?

Real sick.

Yeah.

On the other hand, barney, She can cook a little.

She don't make a whole Lot of noise when she eats.

She's got some other Good qualities, too.

I'm sure she does.

Well, barney?

Well, inspector?

There's the evidence? What's your verdict?

What do you think?

About what?

About me and agnes Getting engaged.

Inspector,

It's not my place, or anyone Else's, for that matter,

To make that kind of decision.

Well, you must have an Opinion, for heaven's sakes.

My opinion, if any, Doesn't matter.

That's your opinion.

Yes.

Barney, there you go.

There you go, straddling On the fence again, huh?

Getting wishy-washy.

You just won't come Out and commit yourself.

Inspector, this is not My commitment to make.

Yes?

Barney?

Inspector, you all right?

Hmm?

Oh, I'm just fine, just fine.

Honest. Really, really.

It must have been some Of that sour yogurt

Coming back up again.

Barn, there was some bad Bills passed out on lexington,

Over at a laundry.

The owner says he knows Who gave them to him.

All right, check it Out. Take a uniform.

Uh, yeah.

Inspector, can I Get you anything...

Some water, something?

No, no, I'm fine. Fine, thanks.

Really. Really, har. I'm a very lucky man.

I used to have my good health,

My good friends.

Thank god I still Got my good friends.

Uh, got the quarterly Inventories here.

Where do you want Me to put them?

Keeping in mind my Rank as you answer.

I'll take them right here.

Seen luger around?

Yeah, he said he was Going out to lunch.

Oh, good.

Uh...

He thanked me for Being his friend.

Then there was, Uh, ralph menninger,

The human cannonball. Oh, wow, I tell you,

Be was my piéce de resistance.

Look, I had to totally Reconstruct his face.

You know? Borrowing from Various parts of his body.

Uh, a piece of skin here, A chip of bone there.

That's fascinating.

Did you ever hear the song...

"Put on a happy face"?

I don't want to Discuss it anymore.

Um, I processed mr. Lovell And dr. Boudreau.

They still want to sign Complaints against each other.

All right. Out him in the cage.

Come on, doc.

Can I help you, doctor?

Oh, no, no.

Just professional curiosity.

Get in the cage.

In here, ma'am.

You better watch your Step with those glasses on.

Oh, thank you very much.

Lisa?

Robert!

What are you doing in Jail... With my doctor?

Hello, lisa.

Hello. I'm captain miller.

Yes. What's this all about?

Why are robert and Rene in that cell?

"Rene"?

They're both being Held on assault charges.

What is going on here, robert?

Lisa...

There's no need to air our Dirty linen in public, lisa.

But you're in jail.

I know I'm in jail.

We'll talk about it When we get home!

Oh, I do not believe This. I do not believe this.

Lisa, I think you Should know the truth.

He came to my Office to beat me up.

Robert, is that true?

- yes, it's true. - mm-hmm.

What am I supposed to do?

Stand idly by while Some perverted surgeon

Talks you into Mutilating yourself?

You implying I'm perverted?

God knows what You've done to yourself.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Captain, could I just See my husband alone...

Oh, don't look at me, please.

Dietrich.

Anything else, sir?

No, levitt. That'll be it.

Sir, I... Okay, in here, walt.

Thank you very much, sergeant.

You're very welcome.

Well, hello, there, young man.

Hi, there, old person.

Harris?

Oh, barney, I'd like you To meet walter hathaway.

Walt, captain miller.

- how do you do, captain? - mr. Hathaway.

Now, please, call me walt.

He insists.

And walt is, uh... Our counterfeiter.

Our counterfeiter?

Oh, that's a nasty Word, counterfeiter.

But I suppose there are Some even more reprehensible.

I suppose.

Barn, this was in Mr. Hathaway's room

When we went in,

And these are the Plates for the $1.00 bills...

Look almost perfect to me.

Well, thank you very much.

However, it was Extremely suspicious

When he tried to Pass one of these 5s.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

Looks pretty good to me.

Check abe's jacket.

Yeah.

It's kind of Strange. It's like a...

Leisure suit?

Yeah, right.

See, I'm afraid my eyes

Aren't just what They used to be,

Not like they were when I did the dollar plates.

And, uh, when was That, mister, uh...

Walt?

Well, now, let me see.

I believe it was, Um, 19... 1963.

'63?

You mean to tell me

You've been printing your Own money for 16 years?

As I've needed it, Only as I've needed it.

Here you go, harris.

Walt, you want to take A seat over here, please?

Oh, sure, I'd be glad to.

♪ I'm gettin' married In the mornin' ♪

♪ ding dong, the Bells are gonna chime ♪

♪ pull out the stopper, Let's have a whopper ♪

♪ but get me to The church on time ♪

I didn't know they set the date.

Gentlemen, you will excuse me.

Now, let's see, where was I?

Oh, yes.

It was during the second war

That I started my Training in engraving,

Making the metal Plates for military scrip.

Fascinating... I mean, Simply fascinating.

You know, walt,

You are one of the most Interesting, colorful,

Informative people I have ever met.

Well, thank you very much.

My most unforgettable character.

What?

reader's digest.

Inspector... Call Me frank, barn.

Come on, be honest with me.

Is it possible you had a Few drinks for lunch?

Barney!

I'm on duty.

Yeah, just take it easy, Will you, inspector?

Yeah.

You know, maybe, Maybe it was these pills

That are making Me a little cockney.

- pills? - mm-hmm.

♪ white pills and green ♪

♪ white pills... ♪

I don't know, but these Look like tranquilizers.

Well... I'm tranquil.

You sure are.

Pretty full.

I think maybe I took them Too close together, barney.

Barney...

I don't know if I Want to marry agnes.

I know, inspector.

It's not the marrying Part, barney.

It's the agnes part.

Maybe you just Need some more time.

No.

No, no, it ain't her, Either, barney. It's me.

I got to be careful Now, you know...

The old thump, thump, thump.

And I don't know if I...

If I can make the Honeymoon, barn.

Barney, you can Lead a horse to water,

But you're not gonna Get a top stud fee

If he's got a defective... Part.

Sergeant, when am I Gonna get out of here?

It's up to you and mr. Lovell.

You can drop the Charges against each other

And get out of here,

Or else we better start Making arrangements for bail.

If he pays for the Broken lamp, I'll forget it.

That's fair, isn't it?

Fair and fair and twice so fair,

As fair as any may be.

Hey, that's, uh...

- it's a quote. - right.

Yeah.

This is my busy time.

I didn't need that Kind of aggravation!

Robert, ever since you Started your own business,

You come home tired every night.

Lisa, that's what it takes.

After a while, I said, "It's got to be me.

"Maybe if I could just Be a little bit prettier,

"A little bit more alluring,

Maybe it could Change something."

Lisa...

I'm not worth that Kind of sacrifice.

Robert...

Robert, you're...

You're worth any value I could ever put on you.

Kid, that was beautiful.

Oh, that is marvelous.

Barney... Shh, he's asleep.

Oh, the inspector?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He's just had his 2:00 feeding, huh?

We're in a good mood.

It's walt... You Know, mr. Hathaway.

What an absolutely Mind-blowing guy he is, barn.

Really?

I mean, he has led an Utterly fascinating life.

Has he had any prior Jail experiences?

Barn, does he have To go through all...

Yes, he has to.

Just asking.

Captain, dr. Boudreau and lovell

Have decided to drop charges.

Oh, finally.

I gave them your old "Here Are your options" routine.

Oh, really?

Feel free to use it any time.

All right, doc.

Oh, well, thank god.

I've got a lift at 3:00 and a tuck at 4:00.

Busy hands are happy hands.

Yeah.

Lovell, I'll send you a bill For the broken lamp, okay?

If it's fair, I'll pay it.

Oh, forget it.

I'll just tack it On to her nose.

That's funny.

I never heard it That way before...

"Tack it on to her nose."

That's a great line.

Bye, lisa.

Barney, I'm gonna Take walt down now

For pictures and prints.

Fine.

Now, don't worry about it.

I'll be all right.

You see, I found I couldn't live

On a small disability Pension from the army,

So those just helped out.

Well, now I don't Have to worry about it.

That's true, isn't it?

Good luck to you, mr. Hathaway.

Thank you, captain.

You all set, walt?

Ready when you are, ron.

Uh, you two can go now.

Anytime you want.

Take your time.

Shall we go home, lisa?

Yeah, let's.

Oh, what the hell?

Let's go out and Have some lunch first.

I don't care.

Captain.

Mrs. Lovell.

Thank you very much, really.

It's quite all right.

Thank you for Letting me cool off.

It's our job.

- bye. - bye now.

It's only skin-deep, right?

If that's the way You guys want to be.

I decided to talk to agnes.

That's a wise Decision, inspector.

Certainly a direct And honest encounter

Is the healthiest of All possible actions.

Yes.

I told her to meet Us here at 6:00.