Original subtitles

- uh, barn? - yeah?

Um, I'm just about finished With our diamond robbery victim.

You said you wanted to see him?

Uh, yeah. Ask him To wait a minute.

Barn, what's that You got on your face?

They're called glasses.

Oh, yeah, right.

I would've expected Such a response

From a playmate On the schoolyard,

Hardly from an adult colleague.

Hey, barn, I'm Sorry. I mean, really.

I didn't mean to make You feel self-conscious.

I'm not self-conscious.

I just need these things For reading, that's all.

Hey, I understand.

But I kind of like the way You look with glasses on.

- all right, harris. All right. - no, really, barn.

I mean, it makes you appear A bit more distinguished,

Uh, reflective...

Walter pidgeon.

Walter pidgeon?

Yeah, barn. The Moustache, the glasses.

Barney, you look just Like walter pidgeon.

What are you talking About? Walter pidgeon!

The man must be 80 Years old by now.

Well, I guess I just paid Him a compliment, huh?

That's just one of The things you've done.

Barney, I... I...

Excuse me.

Uh, good morning.

Hello, hello.

Hey, uh, morning, dietrich.

How you doing?

- hey, uh, can I ask you A question? - sure.

Thanks. You know a Lot more facts than I do.

That's a good Way of phrasing it.

What is?

That I know a lot more facts.

It doesn't imply that I'm any smarter than you

Or that I have some sort Of intrinsic intelligence

That you don't have.

It just means that, because Of my background in education,

I just happen to have

A few more bits of information Available to remember.

Yeah.

Right.

Is that guy a quaker?

What are you, crazy?

No, I just don't know.

He's a hasidic jew.

Oh, right.

There was another Diamond robbery.

Yeah?

You do know that the hasidim Have traditionally been a part

Of the diamond Business in new york

Since the turn of the century.

No, I don't know that, either.

What'd the rangers Do last night?

- they won, 3-2. - thanks.

Oh, hey, barn.

Good morning, wojo.

Do you know what that guy is?

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, the rangers Won last night,

In case you're interested.

Harris: barn?

This is yacov berger. Mr. Berger, captain miller.

- mr. Berger. - captain.

Mr. Berger was Walking down canal,

Carrying approximately 40 uncut diamonds,

When he was accosted By a man with a gun.

Yeah, he took out this pistol,

And he said, "Hand Over the ice, padre."

Padre?

Yes, I thought he Meant somebody else,

Another person, But no such luck.

You, uh, gave him the gems?

That surprises you?

No, no, no.

That's a very wise move.

You know, your shakespeare said,

"He who steals my Purse steals trash."

You heard that?

Don't you believe it.

85 karats of very valuable Merchandise he took.

Sorry to hear that.

Well, at least I'm Alive, thank the lord.

Won't you have a Seat, mr. Berger?

Thank you. Thank you.

There's, uh, just one thing

That I don't really understand.

What... What were you doing Walking through the street,

Carrying all these Diamonds in your pocket?

What's to understand? That's tradition.

Tradition?

Barn, "Fiddler on the roof."

Didn't you see it?

Look, for generations...

My father and his Father before him...

We always walk the Streets of new york,

Never been bothered.

I'm afraid times are Changing, mr. Berger.

We've had four such robberies In the last two weeks alone.

Oy, that's shameful!

You should do Something about it!

Well, we're trying, mr. Berger,

But it would help

If you didn't present Such a tempting target.

What do you want me To do... Wear a disguise?

Uh, barn?

There's a disturbance Over in the park.

Want me to check it out?

Yeah, uh... Hmm.

Take a uniform with You. We're still short.

If there isn't Anything else, captain...

I've already sent out

A description of the Suspect, barn, so...

That'll be it for Now, mr. Berger.

If anything turns Up, we'll contact you.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

- shalom. - shalom?

Shalom. Shalom uvracha...

Amen.

Mm-hmm?

- you busy, captain? - no, no. Come on in.

Thank you.

What's this?

Go ahead. Open it.

Ah, you're having a party.

I know.

"Saturday, 8:00 p.M., Black tie optional"?

Most of the people Will be wearing jeans.

I just don't want to Inhibit anybody sartorially.

Understandable.

There's an rsvp There. You coming?

Uh, well, I'll, uh... I'll let you know.

Oh, yeah. Fraternization with Subordinates... I understand.

No, no, no, no, Dietrich, that's not it.

It's just that... Well, I mean, honestly,

I don't know that I'd Fit in with your friends.

You don't have to Worry about that.

There's gonna be a lot Of older folks there.

I got a friend, 87.

He worked on the panama canal.

Gets pretty wild at These parties sometimes.

I'll let you know.

Sure. Take your time.

You can let me know later on...

Even tomorrow.

I just need an approximate Count for the egg rolls.

Hope you can make it.

Come on. Just get in here.

Great upper-body strength. You must be a lifter, right?

Where should I put this stuff?

Uh, put it down.

Hey, careful with my equipment!

I got my own equipment To worry about.

What the hell is all that?

Uh, barn, this is Richard perito.

Hi.

Captain miller.

- you a policeman? - yes.

Don't you have fitness Requirements anymore?

Just can it, will you, perito?

He was in the park.

He almost hit some Old lady with his spear.

No, no, that's a javelin. It was a 200-foot toss.

He was fighting with a Bunch of cub scouts and...

Yeah, they kept pulling Up my distance markers,

The little devils.

Wojo, I wanted to work on Those status reports with you.

Dietrich, would you take Mr. Perito's statement?

Over here, mr. Perito.

Did you ever throw One of these things?

Tall sucker, huh?

- dietrich: levitt? - yeah?

- let's see. Here. - mail?

No, it's an invitation To a party I'm giving.

Yeah?

"Saturday, 8:00 P.M." no kidding.

Think you can make it?

Sure, I can even Come a little early

And help with the dip, Set up some folding chairs.

- no, 8:00's fine. - beautiful.

I could take some adult games I have and bring them along.

We're gonna be playing some.

As each guest comes In, they draw from a hat

The name of a 14th-century philosopher

And assume his character.

Then, by quoting various Thoughts and phrases

During the course of A normal conversation,

Each guest tries to Guess the other's identity.

You ever play that?

I can play yahtzee.

All right. I'll see you there.

See you there.

- okay. - okay.

Uh...

Damn it.

Excuse me. I forgot... Forgot something.

Where are those january figures?

January... Is right Here... January.

Oh, thank you.

Hey... Glasses.

Yes, glasses.

How come?

Well, I thought about it.

I decided it would be nice if I could see what I was doing.

Oh, there's something Wrong with your eyes.

That's generally the Reason one wears glasses.

I got an uncle who wears Glasses exactly like these ones,

You know?

The same black frame and...

The hearing aid Clips on right here.

Huh?

There's a hearing aid that...

Occupation?

Athlete, amateur.

I want that specified, "Amateur athlete."

Do you have any more Traditional occupation,

As well, mr. Perito?

I used to, but it took too much Time away from my training.

What are you training For, mr. Perito?

Isn't it obvious?

- decathlon? - mm-hmm, olympics.

1980?

Mm-hmm, if I'm ready.

Otherwise, 1984.

What's your age, mr. Perito?

43.

I'll save you the Trouble, all right?

I'm gonna be 45 For the '80 games.

I'll be 49 in 1984.

Ah... "Foolish," You're thinking.

"Oh, yes, he's lost his Mind. He's gone bananas."

Let me save you the trouble

Because I've heard all Of that before, all right?

It never crossed my mind.

Oh, sure, sure.

There have been too many Noteworthy accomplishments

All over the world from People much older than you are.

Yeah. That's true.

But not too many people Are aware of that, you know?

That's right. I'll Give you an example.

Grandma moses Didn't begin painting

Until she was in her late 70s.

Eamon de valera was president Of ireland at the age of...

92. Exactly.

Right.

And then there's Senator strom thurmond.

What?

Fathered a child At the age of 74.

Oh.

I guess his only abstentions

Have been on the Floor of the senate.

That's political satire.

You hear me?

Captain, I'm gonna take Perito for pictures and prints.

Fine.

Okay, we'll be right there.

Wait till you hear this.

Had a robbery over At 10th and canal,

Another one of those Diamond-merchant guys.

They got him trapped In an elevator.

All right, take... Where The hell is harris?

- I don't know. - wonderful.

Do you want me to get it?

No, no. Stick with perito.

I'll go with you, wojo.

You sure you...

- am I sure what? - uh, nothing.

Get a car, and I'll Meet you downstairs.

Dietrich, call kogan. Have Him handle all our calls.

Right.

Guess he's in better Shape than he looks, huh?

You know, it's Trite, but it's true.

The body is the house Where the soul resides.

I don't believe I have a soul.

You know somebody Looking for a place?

Come on.

Hello again.

Oh, mr. Berger, thanks For coming down.

Captain miller's on his way back

With a suspect For you to identify.

Oh, fine, fine, fine, fine.

You want to... Say, Come on in. Come on in.

There's nothing to be Afraid of. Come on in.

Oh, who's this?

I don't know.

But why stand in the hall?

Of course.

I'm sergeant harris. What can I do for you?

Uh, yes, I was told my hus...

That's his junk.

Oh, you must be mrs. Perito.

Oh, my god.

He finally killed Somebody with it.

Well, actually, it Was just a near-miss.

That's comforting.

Could I get something For you folks... Tea, coffee?

No, thank you.

I'd like some tea.

Please, help yourself.

Sure, I'm used to it.

Roseanne.

Richard.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What are you doing here?

It's just a little fracas.

"Fracas"?

They said "Assault with a Deadly weapon," richard.

I'm in jail. You're in jail.

That's bigger than a Fracas, richard, a lot bigger.

May I speak to my husband?

Sure. You can use my desk.

Thank you.

Yeah, come on in, herbie.

Now, no first names.

The law says I get respect.

It's mr. Glass to you.

Okay, mr. Glass, Move your sweet...

And no poetry, either.

How'd it go out there?

Barn, I'm sorry I Missed the call.

Oh, no problem.

Hey, not for him.

You should have Been there, harris.

He was great!

Just get mr. Glass' Statement, huh?

Sure, barn.

You got some tags?

So, we meet again.

I don't know you.

You don't know me? You Robbed me, remember?

I rob a lot of People in that getup.

Getup?

Did you hear what He called this?

A getup.

Don't pay any attention To him. He's just ignorant.

Listen to me.

My father wore this getup,

And my grandfather Wore this getup,

And my grandfather Before him and before him

Wore this getup.

- do you understand? - yeah.

So, if I hear you laugh, I'm Gonna pull your lips off.

That's very kind of you.

So how'd it go out there?

Nothing particularly unusual.

Ha. Not for him.

He... He... He practically Caught the guy

And made him drop His gun single-handed.

Come on. I said to the Guy "Drop your gun."

Yeah, but, barn, The way you said it,

You know, with such Authority. The guy didn't even...

Wojo, now cut it Out. Cut it out, huh?

This is not necessary.

Just because a man Puts a pair of glasses on

Does not mean he's doing so

So that he can watch his Life pass before his eyes.

So just...

Let's, uh, change The subject, huh?

He's in no mood for a party.

What party?

Here.

Yeah.

Did you ever hear the Expression "Diamond in the rough"?

- yeah, sure. - that's like you.

I beg your pardon?

Picture yourself naked.

All right.

So, what do you see? A body Like any other body, huh?

Well...

Then, when you Put on a fine suit

And you comb your hair And you wash your face,

It sparkles.

It's the same Principle on a diamond.

Yeah, well, see, I got A few diamonds myself,

You know, primarily for Investment purposes...

Like this one.

Oh, let me see It. Let me see it.

Uh-huh. Hmm.

Well, it's a little bit yellow.

A few, uh...

Not a few... Quite a Few imperfections.

And the cut is kind Of old-fashioned.

If you want to make An investment, buy land.

I can't. I bought this.

Well, the next time That you want to invest,

Put it in the ground And grow something.

People always want food.

Yeah, but once you eat It, what have you got?

Diamonds are forever.

Yeah, until people decide

That they don't Want them anymore.

Oh, god help us.

Finished writing up glass.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, you might want To read it over

Because, uh, you're going To have to sign it, too.

Uh, the guy's a cpa.

That's right. This is A white-collar crime.

Still a crime, mr. Glass.

Yeah, but if I pushed a Pencil for my whole life,

I couldn't afford to buy a Handful of those lousy pebbles.

Hey, you're not alone, buster.

That's why I did it...

To show my contempt For the concept.

That's a unique defense.

What do you think?

It'll just be a few Minutes, ma'am.

I'll give sergeant Dietrich the bail ticket.

Thank you.

What are you in here for?

Fulfilling a dream.

We're going, richard.

- roseanne... - we'll talk about it at home.

Roseanne, I can win.

Okay.

Here's your bail Ticket, mr. Perito.

You're free to go.

You take care of yourself.

Thank you. You too.

At least you can work part-time

And throw your Spear on weekends.

You've got to make a living.

I'd like to, roseanne. I can't.

Captain, thank you.

Richard.

I can win, roseanne.

- good luck, mr. Perito. - thanks.

Uh, levitt...

I'll take the spear And the frisbee,

But you got to Take the lead ball.

Come on, roseanne.

Richard, I swear to God I'll get a divorce.

Y-you don't mean that.

I do mean it.

You'll stop all this Olympic nonsense

And daydreaming Impossible dreams,

Or I will pack up my things,

And you will never see Me again, so help me, god.

Tell me... How Much am I holding?

You mean in karats?

Dollars.

Well, depends how it's Cut. Maybe $100,000 or so.

Ohh, ho ho ho ho.

Harris?

Yeah.

Uh, you through with mr. Berger?

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Berger, you're free to go.

We'll have to hold the gems For a while for evidence,

But we'll get them back To you as soon as possible.

Oh, that's all right. I got plenty more.

But, of course, I wouldn't Like to lose these.

Oh, no, no, no. Come On. This is evidence.

All right, captain, Thank you for everything.

Goodbye, mr. Harris.

Uh, yeah.

Let me see.

There's... What? 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

My, my, my, my.

I thought there Was 11 or 12 here.

No, no. Never mind. Never mind.

Never mind.

April fools!

All right, so it's February. So sue me!

Barney, you feel like talking?

Wojo, I'm fine, really.

Really, I'm fine.

You know, you may Not think so, barney,

But sometimes we can Help you out, you know,

By talking, like you do for us.

You're right, woj.

It's just... Remember...

There's more things In heaven and earth.

You know what That's from, don't you?

Yeah.

You said it.

No, I mean... Who Said it originally.

It wasn't you?

Shakespeare.

Oh.

Hope I haven't disappointed you.

Oh, no. Hey, that's okay.

I wish I had said it first.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Arthur.

Hmm?

Is there something You want to say to me?

About what?

The little envelopes You've been fondling all day.

Oh.

No.

Oh.

Well... These are invitations

To a party I'm giving Saturday night,

Which I know you Don't want to go to.

So, rather than make You uncomfortable,

I didn't invite you.

Oh.

Well, that was Thoughtful of you.

You're welcome.

Of course you Can still come if...

No, I got another engagement.

Okay.

Of course...

I could cancel it.

Hmm?

Here you go.

This is for ed olson.

He's an old friend of Mine, but unfortunately,

I just heard he died a Couple of months ago.

He was 87.

Oh, arthur, I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Just don't tell barney.