Original subtitles

- morning, morning, morning. - morning sir.

Oh, what a day. What a day.

There's a snap in the air. You can almost hear it.

And, gentlemen, it's Getting quite christmasy.

I must have passed Five santa clauses

On the way over from the hotel.

You know, that reminds Me of the first time

We took david to see Santa claus over at macy's.

As hard as we tried,

We couldn't get Him to sit on his lap.

The next year, we Went back there.

They talked for 45 minutes.

The kid had a list that long.

You all right, barn?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Is that a new suit, barn?

Yeah.

Oh. That always puts Me in a good mood, too.

Really?

Yeah, and I buy Suits all the time.

It must give you a real rush.

Uh, what do we got here?

Uh, arnold cummings, Male caucasian.

He tried to hold up a Liquor store on lexington.

They didn't have to torture me.

Torture?

Apparently, when he Tried to leave the store,

The clerk tackled him, Then locked him in a room.

A room?

It was a closet... Without Any windows, no air.

When we arrived,

We found him scratching At the door, whimpering.

I'm a claustrophobic.

My sympathies, mr. Cummings.

I really can't stand Being cooped up.

I'm afraid you may have

Come to the wrong Place, mr. Cummings.

Uh, take his Statement, pictures,

Prints, the whole... Well, captain?

Yeah?

Claustrophobia... Just Another sob story, huh, sir?

Actually, claustrophobia Is a very real

And legitimate illness.

I really don't have time To talk about it now.

I have to...

Answer the phone.

I didn't know that.

Sure, the fear of being Confined in an enclosed place

Is just one of many Neurotic phobias.

There's agoraphobia, Fear of open places,

Xenophobia, fear of strangers,

Acrophobia, fear of heights.

We've got a possible Burglary in progress on 13th.

Volunteer.

Take dietrich with you.

Harris: come on, arthur. We've got business.

Okay. We'll pick it up later.

I'd like to.

You know, phobias are Sort of a hobby with me.

Oh, really?

Is there a word for the Fear of being enclosed

In a confined place but Only with certain people?

I'm not sure. We can Talk about it in the car.

Hey, mrs. Miller.

Hi, stan.

Oh, oh, it's good to see you.

- yeah, me, too. - oh, thank you.

What you doing here?

I mean, uh...

Well, we don't get much Of a chance to see you,

You know, since, uh...

Oh, since barney And I separated.

Guess that must be the reason.

Yeah.

Well, we, uh, we meet From time to time,

Uh, by virtue of our Joint checking account.

- is barney... - I'll go get barney.

Thanks.

Guess who's here.

My wife.

You were expecting her?

Yeah.

That's why you got the suit.

What is this preoccupation With my wardrobe?

Can't a man get a new Suit once in a while?

Sorry.

Hi.

Hi.

How have you, uh... How have you been?

Fine. Thanks.

Is that a new suit?

It sure is.

It's, uh, very... Come on. Inside here.

Okay, I'm going.

Oh, oh, hi, liz.

- hi, ron. - how are you?

I'm fine. Thank you. How have you been?

- just fine. - I've been okay.

Hey, haven't been Seeing much of you.

Well, thank you for noticing.

Yeah.

Oh, uh, I-I hope I'm not Interrupting anything.

Oh, no, no, no. I-I... I'll wait in the office.

Uh, excuse me.

Of course.

It's great to see you again.

Oh, it's great to see you again.

I'll be in in a minute. What have we got?

Barn, it's great To see her again.

What do you got, harris?

Oh, um, barn, this Is clyde perry.

I caught him ripping off The perfecto toy company.

Do you have the loot?

Uh, yeah, he got Himself quite a haul.

A boomerang... A race car...

A cute little doll... A yo-yo.

I'm really just a big kid.

And, uh, this, which I Haven't given a name to yet.

It looks like someone's insides.

No signs of a struggle.

It was dark. I didn't know What I was picking up.

Uh, where's dietrich?

He's bringing the owner down.

All right, tag all that stuff,

And do something with that.

Uh, perry, come on. Take a seat over here.

Come on. Can't you Give me a break?

Otherwise I'm gonna be Spending christmas in jail.

Hey, where you spend It doesn't matter.

It's who you're with.

Uh, $420 to the greenwich hotel.

Rent three weeks.

Rent.

- small room. - mm-hmm.

Single bed.

I see.

Better than central park.

Listen, uh... About Christmas morning,

What time do you Think I should come by?

Oh, well, you know david. -30.

Right.

Maybe I should come Christmas eve and wait.

Rachel won't be There until 9:00.

Fine.

Hmm.

Uh, madison sporting goods, $12?

Bullets.

Ah, so bullets.

Listen, I got a call From mr. Woodman.

He, uh, wondered why He hadn't heard from us

About the cabin.

Oh, I forgot all about that.

Well, no, I didn't Forget all about that.

I just, uh, put it Out of my mind.

It was just a natural Assumption on his part.

I mean, every year for 14 years.

15.

15?

15.

In any case, I guess he Just took it for granted

We'd be taking it Again, you know?

Yes, well, of course. He Had no way of knowing.

So I told him I'd, Uh... Let him know.

Um, marioni's cafe, $36.

It's that little italian Place on 23rd street.

$36, dinner for two.

I see.

Me and inspector luger.

Oh, he's had his eyes On me for a long time.

Let me tell you all About the toy business.

It's all thieves and cutthroats.

I thought it was mostly elves.

Stefan metterling, Owner of the company.

How do you do? I'm sergeant harris.

Where is my ooze?

Pardon me?

You know exactly What I'm talking about.

Everybody's after it.

Could you possibly Be referring to this?

Oh, thank god. It's... It's safe.

Have you any idea How many people

Would just love to Get their hands on it?

I wouldn't even hazard a guess.

It's going to be the hottest Item on the market next season.

Look, look how it oozes in And out of your fingers...

In and out of your fingers.

It is beautiful.

And it's completely Harmless if swallowed,

And it doesn't stain clothes.

It's quite a breakthrough.

Do you have to run now?

Well, I'm sure you have a Lot of work you have to do.

Yeah.

Uh, listen, uh, uh, Don't worry about that.

About what?

Mr. Woodman. I'll, Uh... I'll call him.

I'll explain the Whole situation.

Oh, sure. Right.

Well, I'm sure he's Not gonna have

Any trouble renting that place.

- oh, no. - it's a lovely place.

Oh, sure. The loft, Stone fireplace.

Yeah.

It's hard to resist.

I know.

Yes.

Oh. What is it, dietrich?

Captain, I, uh...

- oh, excuse me, mrs. Miller. - it's all right.

I don't think we've ever Really been introduced.

- I'm arthur dietrich. - oh, how do you do, arthur?

Of course the captain's Told us a lot about...

- what is it, dietrich? - we'll talk later.

I got a lead from the Owner of the toy company.

It may be a case of Industrial espionage.

Uh-huh, yeah. All Right, check it out.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry For the interruption.

No, no, that's okay.

- okay. I'm going now. - okay, fine.

I'll be out of here in a second.

I'm gone.

Yoo-hoo.

Pardon me.

Hey!

I want out!

Hold it down, cummings.

I want out of here!

I'm gonna put the cuffs on him.

Let me out!

What's going on here?

Please, I'm suffocating! Mommy!

Daddy!

I think you have Your hands full.

Let me out!

We'll talk later.

Goodbye, everybody. Nice to see you.

Let me out!

Sir, what should I do?

- let him out! - that makes sense!

Who's that?

It's mr. Metterling... The father of ooze.

Ah, yes.

Mr. Metterling, I'm captain miller.

I'd just like to say

We're gonna do everything We can to clear this up.

Oh, sure, that's what They told me last year

When they stole my sludge.

Sludge?

It's not a pretty story.

I'll be in my office.

Oh, barn, it was Really great to see liz.

It's too bad she Couldn't stay longer.

We just had some Checks to go over

And christmas plans to finalize.

Big turkey dinner With the family, huh?

No, just christmas Morning with the kids.

Oh.

You're not gonna Stay for dinner?

This is all very Silly and stupid.

It pays the rent.

Oh, berman.

So, you thought you Could get away with it, huh?

My lawyer will be Contacting your lawyer.

- dietrich? - this this nathan berman,

Owner of the berman Novelty company.

Mr. Berman, I'm captain miller.

I am completely Innocent of anything.

First you stole my Sludge, and now you're...

You're a crazy old man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Gentlemen, please.

He's talking gibberish, captain.

I know him for 35 years,

And he's no longer Completely with us.

Listen, berman, I...

Gnetlemen, please, please.

Mr. Berman.

Mr. Berman, we are Investigating a burglary,

And, uh, our information has it

That you might be able To shed some light on it.

I am a law-abiding merchant.

Who would want to accuse Me of anything like that?

I never said a word, mr. Berman.

You're not going to take The word of a cheap hoodlum

Who...

Oy.

Well, I had a right to.

The right to steal The sweat and genius...

What about my fuzz ball?

Oh, I already had one.

And I suppose you already Had speed checkers

And baby comatose.

What about death Race and mr. Onion?

Hold it, hold it, I'm Not really concerned

About speed checkers Or death race or, uh, baby...

Baby comatose.

What we are concerned With is burglary.

I want him arrested for theft.

And I want him arrested For patent infringement.

Fine, you charge mr. Metterling.

Mr. Metterling will charge You, and it'll all be very nice.

Harris, mr. Berman, Please, this way.

Dietrich, mr. Metterling.

Okay, mr. Berman, you Want to take a seat there?

I've got to book you.

On what charge?

Grand-theft ooze.

Sit down there.

Down.

Yeah.

I finally finished those Arrest reports you wanted.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Hey, I was gonna make Some fresh coffee.

You want a cup?

No, no, no. This Is fine. Thank you.

Barn, why don't you Come over to my house?

What?

For christmas dinner.

Come on, wojo.

Don't say "Come on, wojo."

I'm making an invitation.

You've probably got other plans.

No, I haven't.

Oh.

Listen, I can make a turkey And pick up some beer,

And, uh, there's a lot Of good ballgames.

Sure. That sounds nice.

Great.

You're sure I'm not Interrupting anything?

I mean, you're usually not

Without female companionship On such occasions.

Oh, yeah, well, you know,

My outlook on that Has sort of changed.

Oh?

Yeah, I mean...

Well, the way my Social life used to be,

Uh, getting in the Sackarooni was the main thing.

But, uh... There Are other things,

You know, like friendship.

Just, uh, good Feelings between people

Can be just as satisfying.

That's very, uh, Wise of you, wojo.

Well, I've...

I've finally realized that... Sex wasn't everything.

But I guess I don't Have to tell you that.

I'm going under. I Had to do something.

I don't believe you.

Place of birth, please?

You think to hire a thug To rob your competitor

Is the act of a solvent man?

Eastern poland.

What happened?

I overestimated the '50s craze.

So, who didn't?

I have 14,000 hula-hoops Stacked up like tires.

Do you want to trade?

For what?

Pogo sticks.

I have a warehouse full of them.

Forget it. You Can't give them away.

How's it going?

I lost interest.

They're reconsidering.

Problems, gentlemen?

Nothing you can help, captain.

Mr. Metterling, we're Gonna need your signature

On this complaint form.

Yes, I know, captain Miller, but when...

But what?

Mr. Berman has been Stuck with 14,000 hula-hoops.

That's punishment enough.

How about you, mr. Berman?

Are we gonna proceed With patent infringement?

Well...

With the courts the Way they are now,

I'd be dead before It comes to trial.

And even if I win, what Will I get? Pogo sticks.

Forget it.

Okay, I guess that means

Both you gentlemen Are free to go.

Uh, mr. Metterling, don't Forget your, uh, ooze.

Oh, thank you very much.

What about me?

Oh, yeah.

Barn, we got him red-handed.

Oh, come on. It's... It's almost christmas.

Everybody's dropping Charges. Turn him loose.

- oh, bless you, captain. - yeah, yeah.

God bless you.

God bless everyone!

All right, all right. Come on.

Let's go, tiny tim.

We're back.

Oh. Have a nice little walk?

Wonderful.

Good. Good.

Good.

Barney: you've been Gone for quite a while.

I made approximately 35 Circuits around the block.

If you wish, sir, I'll run Him over the tombs now.

Tombs?

Bellevue.

Oh.

Take him over to Bellevue and, uh,

Introduce him around.

Yes, sir.

Bellevue.

I am more sick Than I am criminal.

Absolutely.

Okay, cummings, let's go.

Oh, mrs. Miller.

Oh, hi, levitt.

Hi.

Hello.

Um, I'm the man Who was screaming.

Oh, yes. Yes.

It's very nice to see you again.

You're very lovely.

Oh, thank you.

Don't mind him. He's crazy.

Oh, oh, I-I didn't Mean in his opinion.

I meant in a general Way. You are lovely.

Levitt.

I wasn't trying to move in, sir.

Come on, cummings. Let's go.

Hello.

Hello.

Uh...

When I got home, I Found some more checks.

Oh. Oh, really?

It took me quite Awhile... But I found them.

Harris: barney...

Uh, I-I think I'll go downstairs

And check that roster board.

Fine.

Yeah, I'm gonna... I'll...

The checks?

Oh, the checks, yes. Here.

Uh, another reason That I came back

Was because I really Left in the middle of things.

Well, it was kind of hectic.

Yeah.

Oh.

I was thinking about the cabin.

Have you changed your mind?

No.

I always wanted to take it.

Very amusing... The Way you did that.

Yeah.

Will, uh, will you Call mr. Woodman?

Yes, of course, I'll... Look, uh...

Listen, I-I know it's Just for a few days

And it's really Mainly for the kids.

It's not gonna solve All the problems.

Now, listen, barney.

Let's not start talking

And discussing and Analyzing things

Because every time we do That, we get into trouble.

We're just going To go, all right?

Fine.

Fine.

You know the first Thing I'm gonna do

When I get there?

What?

I'm gonna start a fire in That big stone fireplace.

Oh, yeah.

Well... It does get Very, uh, cold inside.

Maybe we'll buy Some... Hot brandy.

Oh, yeah.

It's been very snowy Up there, too, you know.

I do hope the roads are open.

Oh, yeah. I hope they are.

Yes, well, I'll, uh...

I'll get out the snow chains.

Fine.

Goodbye.

Hi, stan.

Bye, mrs. Miller.

She found some checks.

Oh.

Oh, listen, uh...

I'm not gonna be able To make christmas dinner.

You're not?

No, we... We just Changed our plans.

We're gonna take the, uh,

The cabin in vermont after all.

Oh. Well, uh... Well, that's great.

We'll do it another time.

- sure. - yeah.

All right.

Would you like to come By christmas morning

- while the kids are... - hey, barn.

Woj, I get the feeling I'm deserting you.

Barney...

You know in the Office when I was, uh,

Telling you about, Uh, friendship

And good feelings between people

And how it's just As important as, uh...

Yeah.

Well, I didn't mean it.