Original subtitles

Yemana: I jumped out of my seat

And started yelling, "Come on! It's over!"

I forget I was in a movie.

Good lord.

Somebody should Speak to the help.

Who the hell would...

Never been this bad before.

Where did all these Papers come from?

I'm afraid those Are the files, nick.

Oh, my god.

Lovely, lovely.

My office has been Similarly redecorated.

I guess they wanted The same motif.

Top of the mornin'.

Hi, woj.

What time did you get here?

Just a few minutes ago. I Was checking the stockroom.

Nothing's missing.

There's nothing of Any value to take.

Not anymore.

I don't think It's a thief, barn.

I think, uh, it's Something personal.

Check out the hall.

"Miller is a dirty m..."

Marvelous.

They spaced it nicely.

It's got to be someone Who had it in for you.

It's like trying to get Back at you for something.

Maybe.

It's too bad the rest Of us had to suffer.

They broke my nameplate.

My condolences.

I'm used to it.

This is supposed to Be a police station.

Where the hell Was the late shift?

Late shift was On until 4:00 a.M.

Then the downstairs took over.

And they didn't see Anything, hear anything?

- no, it was a skeleton crew. - skeleton crew.

- because of the budget cuts. - budget cuts.

I checked the safe.

Look at this.

Uh-oh.

What is it?

This used to be harris' sweater.

He told me one time He liked to keep it here

In case he had the urge To informalize his look.

Geez.

Terrible, ain't it?

Oh, yeah.

Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.

No, no.

I straightened out My desk on friday.

Good m...

Too busy.

Good morning, harris.

Somebody, uh,

Give a party without Telling me about it?

Uh-huh.

We got vandalized.

No kidding.

Check out around the hallway.

How'd they get in here, anyway?

We don't know that yet.

Well, I'm glad to see

You've retained Your sense of humor.

Oh, sorry.

That's gratuitous.

Harris.

There was a fatality.

There was no need for this.

They broke my name, too.

They broke my chair leg.

Oh, come on.

Nameplates, chairs... Those Things can be replaced.

You cannot fix alpaca.

Uh, somebody find the Phone and answer it.

I'll get right on it.

Get me kogan on The phone, will you?

Got it.

We've got a disturbance Over on madison.

All right, you and wojo.

Woj.

You never can get a Cop when you need one.

What about your chair?

Well, I thought I might Take it out back and shoot it.

Fine.

Uh, listen, go get beckman.

See if he can round up Some appropriate paint.

I can do without the publicity.

- okay. - harris: barney?

Yeah.

I went through the Records downstairs

And came up with some Possible suspects...

Anyone who might have A grudge against you.

I also pulled all Of the threatening

Or abusive letters

You've gotten in the Last couple of years.

Quite a number.

Well, not all of them Were sent to you.

Some of them were just Addressed to "The pig in charge."

I see.

I assume they meant you.

It's reasonable.

Uh, I'm gonna go run a Check on some of these.

"Dirty, a, is." "Miller is a dirty m..."

Levitt.

Sorry to interrupt your reading.

Oh, no, sir.

Reprehensible, sir, And biased, I may add.

I appreciate it.

Requisition forms You requested, sir.

Thank you, levitt. Thank you.

Oh, levitt, uh, you were On duty this morning?

Yes, sir.

You didn't notice Anything, uh... Unusual?

No, sir. I did just now.

Thank you.

You know, sir, I just Can't help but think

That if somebody were Up here 24 hours a day,

This wouldn't happen.

Probably not.

There has been talk about Beefing up the detective force.

Really? From whom?

Mostly me.

But there have been others, sir.

Really?

Am I dismissed, sir?

Yes.

I'll be back later, as Soon as the mail arrives.

Fine.

Right in here.

Our society is crumbling.

It is rotting, and You're responsible.

That is grossly unfair.

Both of you, now, knock it off.

Okay, what have we got?

This one's lloyd adelson, And this is lawrence snepp.

I found them duking it out

In a coffee shop Over on madison.

Every year, it comes Like a pestilence,

And there's nothing Anybody can do to stop it.

What's he talking about?

The new tv season.

Of course.

Mr. Snepp is a program Executive at one of the networks.

They were sitting next to Each other at the counter.

Mr. Adelson found Out who he was.

An argument ensued.

He threw his grapefruit Juice in my face.

He called me filthy names.

I got a right to my opinion!

Okay, all right. You'll Each have your day in court.

Mr. Adelson, have A seat right here.

Mr. Snepp, over here at Sergeant dietrich's desk.

Who's charging who?

The coffee shop is Charging them both.

Don't you understand?

Television is destroying the Very fabric of our society.

It's turning us all into Mindless, illiterate robots.

I think we've got some very Exciting programs this season.

Boobs and behinds Bouncing and jiggling!

Meanwhile, my kid, he Can't even read a menu.

Adelson, we're Cops, not critics.

Sit down.

We really are planning Some marvelous programs.

Documentaries, miniseries.

I'm sure.

We're doing the Oscar levant story.

That's wonderful, but We still have to book you.

Oh, I understand.

So would oscar.

Nobody reads a book anymore.

Nobody talks to anyone anymore.

They just sit and Stare at that idiot box.

How can he look at Himself in the mirror

When he puts out That kind of garbage?

We only put on what You people ask for.

I didn't ask for "Mork and mindy."

Hey, would you Guys put a lid on it?

I'm trying to finish Typing your report.

Who is that?

Uh, he works for one Of those tv networks.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You would think with all Of their millions of dollars,

They could find Some creative people...

Writers, directors who Would come up with something

That was at least Halfway decent.

We try.

We're always looking For new people.

My name is ron harris.

And you are?

Lawrence snepp.

Snepp?

Snepp.

Uh, look, mr. Snepp, I'm a writer. I've had...

I thought you were a policeman.

That, too.

I've written several Things, mr. Snepp...

Nothing for television yet.

But, you know, you Wouldn't believe

Some of the things that Go on in a precinct house...

Fascinating characters,

Situations that are Gripping and tense

And at the same time Heartwarming and, uh...

Funny.

We're always looking For fresh concepts.

You are?

Okay, I need your Business address.

Hey, we're in a Meeting, dietrich.

I've got to finish booking him.

Right now?

Yeah, I still got to Check him for priors.

Oh, all right.

We'll talk later.

Yeah, I'll get back to you.

Oh, nick, did you talk to Beckman about repainting?

Yeah. That kind of Paint was banned

By the federal Government two years ago.

Wonderful. Does he Have any suggestions?

Don't lick the walls.

I'll try to remember that.

How are you doing?

I got a couple of Possible suspects, but...

But?

Well, barn, it's just Hard for me to believe

Someone could have gotten Up here and done all this...

I mean, painted walls,

Broke chairs, Pulled out drawers,

Ruined a very expensive sweater,

And then slipped out With nobody noticing him?

Can you offer some Other explanation?

Well, I don't know, barney.

I mean, maybe it was someone

Who didn't have To sneak in here...

Someone already here.

The only people already Here were other cops.

It's interesting, huh?

What are you talking about?

What kind of cop would do a...

Someone frustrated. Someone dissatisfied.

Someone within our very bosom,

Slinking around, hardly noticed.

Someone embittered,

Perhaps at being turned Down for a promotion,

All the while Seething and planning.

Someone... Someone Like, uh, levitt.

Levitt?!

A hell of a twist, Dramaturgically speaking.

What are you Talking about... Levitt?

Let's just stick to the Logical possibilities.

Of course, it is logical.

From a psychological standpoint, Levitt's a repressed type...

Excessively polite,

Containing his real Hostility and frustration

Until eventually Something simply snaps.

Look, you said you had A couple of suspects?

Oh, yeah. I'll check Them out, barn.

Yeah, you do that.

Uh, mr. Snepp is waiting For you, please, huh?

Mail call.

Levitt.

Mostly junk, I'm afraid. I'm terribly sorry.

Dietrich.

Wojciehowicz. Wojcieho...

"Wojcieho..." that's a shame.

Yeah.

Yemana. Here we go.

Captain, interoffice memos, The latest promotion rosters,

And assorted communiqués.

Thank you.

Is there anything else You'd like me to do?

No. No, no.

Well... Good Afternoon, detectives.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Come on, get back in the cage.

You got to agree With me, don't you?

It is all junk.

I really can't say.

I don't even watch the stuff.

I don't blame you one bit.

You hear that? He Doesn't even watch it.

Now hold on just A come on, come on!

I'm going to get some coffee.

Either of you guys want a cup?

- no, thanks. - I'll have a cup.

You don't watch tv?

Sports and news, not much else.

Well, what about drama? Comedy?

It just ain't real.

You know, it's just A bunch of actors

Saying words that some Other guy wrote for them.

Of course, but one must Allow a suspension of disbelief

And accept the Dramatic illusion.

I don't.

Just by that, thinking

You're denying the validity

Of 2,000 years of dramatic art.

Yeah. Uh, you want cream?

Uh, no. Black, please.

Yes, come in.

Here are the requisition Forms you requested, sir.

Thank you, levitt.

I guess you must have misplaced The others I brought earlier.

Uh, yes, I guess I did.

Is there something else, sir?

Um...

Why don't you have a Seat for a moment, levitt?

Yes, sir.

Sit down.

Been, uh... It's been Quite a day, huh?

If you say so, sir. Is There something else?

Uh, no, no, nothing In particular.

Well... I feel...

I-I feel it's part Of my job to...

To get to know as Much as possible

About the men who work here.

I was born in 1942, just Outside of new brunswick.

Oh, uh, was that Where you grew up?

No, we moved to Rutherford when I was 12,

Although, actually,

I had already stopped Growing by that time.

Oh.

- may I make a remark, sir? - certainly.

This is a very Strange conversation.

It's just that... I-I Want to get to know

As much as possible About all my men.

Are you having talks With the others, too, sir?

Uh... You are the first.

Is there, uh, something Specific you'd like to know?

No. No, no, no. No. It's, uh...

It's just that I'd like to, uh,

Keep lines of communications Open, as it were,

So that in case that any...

Sir, I was writing up Manpower reports

From 4:00 a.M. To 8:30 a.M.

I can have sergeant kogan Come up here and verify that.

It won't be necessary.

Will there be Anything else, sir?

I had to know. I Know it's crazy.

Can I go, sir? I Have other duties.

- yes, of course. - thank you.

Levitt, uh... But, uh, levitt...

He usually comes when you call.

Okay. And thanks a lot.

All right, I just talked To the coffee shop,

And your breakfast Tab comes to $177.

I only had juice.

The owner said he's Willing to drop the charges

If you guys pay for the damages.

It's not my fault.

It certainly isn't mine.

Okay, you guys just take Your time thinking it over.

I'm not the one who put on shows

Like "My mother the Car," "Me and the chimp,"

"The san pedro beach bums."

Please, enough.

"The chicago teddy Bears," "On the rocks."

All right!

Maybe you have to watch tv,

But I have to live with it...

All day long, reading Infantile scripts,

Lying through my teeth...

"Yes, love the concept, love it.

Sure, pete rose Could play comedy."

Day after day, having to Swallow all their garbage!

Cool down there.

Well, I'll tell you one thing!

I'm mad as hell, and I'm Not gonna take it anymore!

What do you think you're doing?

Dont you go to The movies, either?

I don't want to have To put cuffs on you.

Come on. Come on.

Leave him alone, will you?

What the hell's going on?

I apologize.

Look, I... I've been Under a lot of pressure.

Listen...

I'm willing to pay my Share of the damages.

Mr. Snepp, what about you?

Huh?

The damages?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Desk appearance?

Sure.

You must remember the Detectives' room, huh?

You can't go around Screwing up people's lives

And get away with it.

Harris?

Uh, yeah, barney.

This is, uh, arnold scully.

Mr. Scully, captain miller.

I hate your guts.

How do you do?

I traced him down through One of the letters, barney.

He's already admitted to Being our interior designer.

Oh, really?

It's kind of like a Double twist, huh?

Hmm?

Dramaturgically speaking.

You remember Everything, don't you?

I bet you didn't think You'd be seeing me again.

I don't think I've Ever seen you before.

Are you saying You aren't b. Miller,

Badge number 233451... Yeah.

Who issued a citation to me

For throwing down A lousy half a hot dog

On the sidewalk on may 13, 1961?

1961?

Yeah.

I'm afraid I don't remember.

I do.

I told you how I Had an appointment,

But you just kept on Writing out the ticket.

I told you it was for A real important job,

But he just kept me there,

Giving me the spiel About being patient

And keeping my perspective.

Even then, huh?

Uh, mr. Scully,

I don't know what you're Getting excited about.

If it was a citation, What was it... A lousy fine?

Yeah, sure.

'cause of that little Fine, I missed my interview,

So I didn't get the job,

And I'm out of Work for two years!

On account of which, My fiancée drops me.

I spent the next 16 years

In and out of prison... On dope and booze,

Wishing I was dead.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

He's sorry.

Well, there was no Way I could have known.

I wrote you.

You didn't answer One stinking letter.

It gets kind of hectic Around here, you know.

- we get a lot of mail. - sure, sure.

I've heard it all before.

Look, I'm very sorry For you, mr. Scully,

But, uh, the issue At hand is, uh,

Trespassing and Defacing public property.

We're gonna have to book you.

Sure! Finish me off!

Look, look, come on, Mr. Scully. Come on.

Have a seat right Over there. Come on.

A ticket for littering?

Well, I was... I Was... I was young.

I must have been Eager to make points.

I guess so.

Scully: hey!

I've got an appointment at 5:00.

Uh, we'll do the best We can to get you there.

Mr. Snepp.

This is your Desk-appearance ticket.

You show up at that Place at that date.

You present a Verification of payment,

And the charges will be dropped.

You're free to go.

You can step outside.

Thank you very much.

- mr. Snepp? - yes?

Per our earlier conversation,

I've jotted down a Couple of story notions...

Nothing elaborate,

Just something that can Show you what I can do.

Forget it. I'm finished With that crap.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What happened? You have a bad day?

I may just go tell them what They can do with their job.

Uh, look, could you, Uh, give them this first?

What's this?

Um, some stories...

Some real-life dramas culled From actual police experience.

Oh, yeah? Like wambaugh.

Yeah, but more sophisticated.

You're gonna start with That junk all over again!

Would you leave this man alone?

Listen, I'll give It a good read.

Thanks.

If I don't get back To you in a few weeks,

You get in touch with me.

Yeah, yeah, sure. I've got your number.

And fingerprints.

I'll get back to you.

Here you go, mr. Adelson.

Good luck.

Television... It'll Never change.

It'll always be trash.

Newton minnow called It a vast wasteland.

He one of those little Puppets on "Sesame street"?

Yeah.

I thought so.

Kogan says the Captain wants to see me.

He's here.

Uh, levitt, I just Wanted to tell you

That we've made an Arrest in the case.

Oh, that's interesting.

And to apologize for What happened earlier.

Oh, uh, that's not Necessary, sir.

It was just a case of An extraordinary event

Coupled with some Coincidental circumstances,

Fired by an Overactive imagination.

I completely understand, sir.

Well, you have every Right to be angry.

Oh, I'm not angry, Sir. I'm hurt a little bit.

It's just that I have The highest degree

Of respect and Admiration for you

And, uh, everyone up here.

It's just that I'd Like to think that,

In some small Degree, it's mutual.

Well, it is.

That's okay, sir. You Don't have to say it.

- no, I mean it sincerely. - no need to humor me.

I'm not, levitt. How Can I convince you?

Noting it on my permanent Record would be a start.

Whatever you say.

I'll bring it up Tomorrow morning, sir.

Fine.

Well, good day, gentlemen.

Captain.

I guess it takes Something like this to, uh,

Bring people closer together.

Thanks.

You might as well get Started reorganizing the files.

Why me? He did it.

Just get on it, will you?

Yes, sir.

Something else You'd like to say?

I have nothing to add.