Original subtitles

Harris not in yet?

Uh, nope.

I'm doing his filing.

And I appreciate it.

Maybe he stopped To pick out a dress.

Possibly.

Did harris catch mugging duty?

Yeah.

Huh?

Wojo, if I remember Correctly, you, uh...

You weren't so amused by it

Last time you Pulled mugging duty.

Oh, well, that was A couple years ago.

Yeah, I've gained my Perspective on it now.

I can find the humor in it.

Particularly when It's someone else.

Sure.

Difficult not to feel foolish

When you're wearing high Heels and stockings and panties.

Panties?

What do you wear panties For? No one can see 'em.

What are you talking about? You got to wear panties.

Don't wear panties, You feel like a tramp.

Gentlemen, we have work to do.

Or at least the Appearance of work,

Just for my benefit.

Easy.

Nick, you have filing?

Yeah, I was just waiting for A lull in the conversation.

This seems to be it.

They told me downstairs

That somebody up Here could help me.

I'm sergeant yemana.

Did you handle missing persons?

Oh, I do a little of everything.

Could somebody help me?

Nick?

Uh, barney, this is miss, uh...

Schnable.

Miss schnable.

She wants another opinion.

I'm captain miller. What can I do for you?

It's my father.

He's missing.

All right. Just Have a seat here.

Sergeant wojciehowicz Will help you.

Wojo, this is miss schnable.

Hey. Be with you in a minute.

This is a missing persons case.

Okay.

I guess you get a Lot of missing people.

Yeah, well, only if Someone's looking for them.

See, if, uh, if no one's Looking for them,

Then they ain't A missing person.

They're just gone.

Barney: ah, good Morning, sergeant harris.

Do you know what this Country needs, barney?

What's that?

A good depression.

Be a nice change of pace.

I mean, maybe if Business weren't so good,

These merchants Wouldn't be able to afford

To jerk their customers around.

I take it you had a problem?

Yeah, I went to pick up my shoes

And my hat for the detail.

Tasty.

Hmm.

But the dress wasn't ready.

Why not?

I don't know.

Barn, all I wanted done Was a few alterations,

A little beadwork.

Couldn't you find a dress That was already, uh...

I don't buy off The rack, barney.

Sorry.

Nick's already done your filing.

Oh, thanks, nick.

So you can pick up a little Time by going and shaving now.

Shave?

Shave.

My legs don't need it.

Good.

Smoothness... It Runs in the family.

I was referring To your moustache.

Pardon me?

Your moustache.

That stuff growing Up there on your lip.

- oh, yeah... This. - hmm.

I'd really prefer Not to, barney.

Harris.

Excuse me, barney.

I think I've got to take these Things down to my locker.

Harris.

Not too happy about Losing the old whisk broom?

He'll shave.

You know, a moustache can become

An important extension Of a man's personality.

Shaving it can be Very traumatic.

Gentlemen, let's not Make a big deal out of this.

I shaved once.

I didn't like it.

Okay, now, before we can Officially file a complaint,

We got to know that The guy has been missing

For more than 48 hours.

Oh, he has been.

All right. How long?

Counting today, 28 years.

It would've been nice If it'd been reported

A little bit sooner.

It was a little complicated.

Uh-huh.

See, I was raised in State institutions,

In foster homes.

I never knew either Of my parents.

There's a real good Chance I'm a bastard.

Anyway, a couple of years ago,

I decided to try and find them,

But nobody would help me.

So I started Searching on my own,

And I went to the Social security,

And I went to the v.A.

And through them, I Was able to trace him

To the place where he works Right here in manhattan...

The continental health Spa on christopher street.

And he's there now?

Well, yeah.

Well, then he ain't missing.

Well, not exactly... But he won't see me.

Oh, well, uh...

See, if that's the situation,

There isn't that much That we can do about it.

He won't see me because He doesn't know who I am.

If you could just Make him talk to me,

Give me a chance to explain,

Then everything would be fine.

Can't force a man to talk to you

If he doesn't want To talk to you.

Why not? It's your job.

No, lady.

See, we deal mainly in The criminal element here.

Captain...

Do I have a right to see My own father or don't I?

Yeah. Of course you do.

No, she does not.

What?

Her father doesn't Want to see her.

- why not? - she's probably a bastard.

Wojo!

Her father deserted her,

And now she wants us to sit On him while she talks to him.

Oh. Uh, when did this happen?

1950.

Oh, I see.

No, you don't see.

He doesn't know who I am.

If I could just have A chance to explain...

Miss schnable, this Is not a police matter.

He's my father!

I've got documented proof!

I've got social security Things, notarized things!

That's not the issue.

I've got rights!

I suppose you've heard Of the napoleonic code.

We sure have.

So?

- so? - so...

So, it isn't that We're not sympathetic

To your problem.

It's just that it's out Of our jurisdiction.

You're not gonna help me at all?

Perhaps we can recommend you

To some, uh, social agencies.

Never mind.

I'm sorry I wasted your time.

Well, we're sorry, Too, miss schnable.

You don't have to worry About my bothering you again.

Goodbye!

Harris: okay, mr. Holly,

If you'll just step Inside here, please.

It's all over... My Career, my life!

Look, take it easy, mr. Holly.

I might as well be dead!

You'll feel much better After you're booked.

Oh, god!

What do you got here?

Milton holly... He's the host

Of one of the educational Shows at the station.

"Mr. Science."

Really?

You've heard of me?

I'm afraid not.

Of course not. Who Watches channel 37?

Apparently, mr. Holly was Performing an experiment

On the air when his Helper of the day,

One scott macmillan, age 13,

Began making what he Considered disruptive comments.

"Boring, mr. Science. Big deal, mr. Science.

If you're so smart, why Are you bald, mr. Science?"

Mr. Holly finally replied

That master macmillan Should "Either shut up

Or," and I'm quoting here,

He'd "Put his can On a bunsen burner."

On the air. I Said it on the air.

I couldn't wait For a station break.

The kid started laughing at him,

And mr. Holly went berserk.

He chased the kid All around the studio,

Knocking down the Lights, tv equipment.

The station is pressing charges?

Yeah.

- what about the kid? - he's suing.

Kids! They're monsters today.

Used to be you'd show Them how to run a motor

On static electricity Or how to suck an egg

Through a bottle, they Thought you were a god.

Well, uh, unfortunately,

I'm afraid we're gonna Have to book you, so...

If you'll just have a Seat right over here.

Have a seat right here At sergeant yemana's desk

Since sergeant harris Has a prior commitment.

Nothing we can't talk About in your office.

All right.

Nick, you'll take Care of mister, uh...

Science.

The object is to provide A believable target.

I'm afraid the moustache Might compromise the situation.

See that? It's one of the things

I really admire about you.

- what's that? - your flexibility.

That's kind of you.

Your lack of rigidity. "Might compromise"?

Your willingness to see Both sides of a question,

To bend in a given Situation if necessary.

I'm really flattered. What's your point?

I really don't want To shave this off.

Harris.

It's not a matter Of vanity, barney.

It's just that, well...

It looks so damn good.

Barn, a call came In from dispatch.

Disturbance over At continental spa.

That's where miss schnable Said her father worked.

All right, you're in charge. Take yemana with you.

You know, I used to Be on the network.

Every sunday morning.

Now there's nothing On there but trash.

I think most critics would agree

That children's programming Has deteriorated significantly

In recent years.

Imbecilic cartoons, superheroes,

Junk food commercials. Nothing for the mind.

Of course there are still Some worthwhile programs.

There's, uh, youth Documentaries,

Some excellent animal series.

Sure.

You ever watch vermin, vermin, vermin?

No.

It's disgusting but informative.

Wojo and nick not back yet?

No.

You seen harris?

No, not since he came Out of your office.

Is there something You want to say to me?

I don't believe we've Been introduced.

Now, that is a change.

Thank you.

I guess shaving Wasn't as difficult

As you thought it was gonna be.

Nah. On the contrary.

Now I'm glad I did it.

Good.

I mean, actually, What is the function

Of a moustache anyway?

It's really just a Masculine affectation.

That's one way to look at it.

Well, I mean, it's kind of silly

When you stop And think about it.

I mean, it's just a Stupid clump of hair

Sitting over your mouth.

A meaningless, Superficial demand

For attention.

Everybody in here.

Just leave me alone, okay?

I love you, daddy.

Tell her to leave me alone!

Hey, both of you quiet down.

Hello again, miss schnable.

I just wanted to talk to him.

Okay. What happened?

Well, she went over To the continental spa

And tried to get in.

They wouldn't let her In 'cause it was all men.

So she went around The back and...

Broke in a window.

And?

Oh, and, uh...

Then she went into The locker room.

I just wanted to talk to him.

Now they want to charge Her with trespassing.

And it could cost me my job.

Don't worry, daddy. I'll take care of you.

Don't call me daddy! I am not your daddy!

She's a ding-a-ling!

Okay. Nick, you want to Take care of miss schnable?

You ought to put Her in a cotton box.

Mr. Claymore,

We would appreciate your Patience and your cooperation.

She has been bugging Me for a couple of weeks.

She's following me around, Calling me, invading my privacy.

I mean, can't you guys Keep her away from me?

Not unless you get A restraining order.

That's it. I want one of them.

Detective wojciehowicz Will be glad to help you.

Yeah, sit down, mr. Claymore.

She is not my kid.

I mean, there ain't Even a resemblance.

Look... I ask you. Do We look alike to you?

I'm the wrong person to ask.

Wojo: can I see You, mr. Claymore?

Thanks a lot.

Stay right there.

Uh... Harris?

Yeah?

I want to say something to you

That I never thought I'd say.

Yeah?

Your dress is ready.

Thank you.

Are you gonna come back Up and see us before you go?

As the mood strikes me.

Okay, mr. Claymore, You got a middle name?

Franklin.

Yeah, that's right.

All right. Date of birth.

- october 12th... - october 12, 1925.

Hey.

Social security number?

164-32-1989.

Thanks.

Next of kin?

None.

Harassment complaint, Restraining order.

This ought to keep miss Schnable out of your hair

For quite a while.

Believe me, I don't Like doing any of this,

But I am not her father.

Mr. Claymore, whether or not...

Barney, he's not.

Not what?

I don't believe he's her father.

I mean, if what he Told me is right,

Then she must've Screwed up somewhere

With her papers and stuff.

I was in akron,

But I was in the v.A. Hospital all that year.

Sure you didn't take A few, uh, field trips

On the side?

I was a red-blooded, young guy,

And I wasn't chintzy About spreading it around,

But that was the Year I was sick.

I had this infection, you know?

I lost a lot of my stamina, If you get my meaning.

I get your meaning.

It was temporary, of course.

In any case, mr. Claymore, Somehow or other,

Miss schnable is Determined in her mind

That you are her father.

Is that my problem?

No, mr. Claymore.

You're not obligated in Any way to miss schnable.

Not legally.

I am not responsible

For all the orphans Of the world.

Of course not.

Well... Maybe a couple.

You had a grandfather...

And a grandmother...

And a mother and a father.

Captain?

Hmm?

You had a mother and a father.

Indeed.

So, why shouldn't I have A chance to have one?

Don't I rate a family?

Of course you do,

But unfortunately, you Can't go around assembling one

Like a model airplane.

Why not?

It could be just The two of us...

In a house... With a Yard... And a dog...

And sunday dinners.

Uh, take that down to the Courthouse on center street.

You can get your Restraining order.

Thanks.

I mean, they're not gonna Lock her up, are they?

Not unless she Violates the order

And tries to see you.

Okay.

'cause, you know, She's not a mean kid.

She'd probably make Some guy a nice daughter.

Probably.

It could've been any One of a dozen guys.

What's that?

That restaurant was Right near the hospital.

I wasn't the only guy That went out with sally.

Sally?

Sally... The waitress That she looks a little like.

Sort of.

You get my meaning?

I get your meaning.

Goodbye, lady.

Teresa.

Yeah. Teresa.

Goodbye.

Listen, I'm thinking...

I can straighten Things out at the club.

You don't have to hold her On that trespassing charge.

I'm sure it's gonna be okay.

Fine. Thank you.

So take care, huh?

You're free to go, Too, miss schnable.

We have your Address if we need you.

Oh, uh, your papers.

Don't forget your papers.

I don't want them.

Throw them away.

Listen, I'm thinking... Give me your address.

We can keep in touch.

It's all right. You Don't owe me anything.

I mean, you know, Every once in a while,

I could drop you A couple of lines.

You could send me a card, You know, for father's day.

I mean, just for laughs.

That would be nice.

You need a lift?

Thank you.

Thanks.

Do you remember Much about my mother?

Hey, look, I, uh... You know.

Oh, yeah. No, I know.

It was a long time Ago. Almost 30 years.

Yeah...

And it was dark.

Captain, I got Mr. Holly's bail ticket.

Turn him loose.

All right. Right This way, mr. Holly.

Thank you.

That's mr. Science.

Yeah.

What's he doing here?

There was a fracas In the tv studio.

He assaulted his assistant.

No kidding?

I'm very sorry about Everything that happened.

I appreciate your consideration.

Good luck to you, mr. Holly.

Thank you.

Hi. Uh...

Uh, I've never missed your show.

I beg your pardon? I Don't believe we've met.

Oh, sergeant Wojciehowicz. 12th precinct.

You're the only Guy on television

That ever sounded like he Meant what he was saying.

That's because I did.

Yeah.

And I didn't just Watch. I did experiments.

The baking soda and the motors.

And the ant farm. I had an ant farm.

I hope you learned something.

Sure.

I watched your show Every sunday for five years.

Why did you stop?

Oh, well, I had to.

I joined the marines.

Now, that's a kid.

I'll be checking Back in around 6:00.

Oh, listen.

What I said to you about Your moustache... Forget it.

I was just upset.

Forgotten.

I feel much better.

You?

Fine.

Uh, you got a little smudge.

Oh. Thank you.

Uh, go ahead, nick.

Get all your clever Little comments

Out of your system.

You look lovely.

It's true. You do.

Hey, come on.

Believe me... You Look fantastic.

Well, I mean...

I know I'm a man in a dress.

Yeah.

The object is to come across As an attractive woman.

Well, I mean, I want To look good...

But not better.

See you guys later.

Yes, dietrich?

You ever see the movie laura?

It's about a policeman Who becomes fascinated

By a woman he knows He can never have.

So?

It's playing down the street.

You want to see it tonight?