Original subtitles

- any calls? - no.

Aah!

Sounded like roz.

It was.

Did you know she was in there?

No.

Did you?

What kind of question Is that supposed to be?

Hmm, rhetorically humorous?

Good morning.

- captain. - barn.

We seem to have a Skeleton crew today, huh?

Harris called in.

He ran into a disturbance On his way to work.

He's gonna bring somebody in.

Anybody seen roz?

Wojo has.

What's that about?

She's in the bathroom.

All right. That's all I asked.

Wojo?

I just walked in on her While she was in there.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, so did I.

Look, don't worry about it.

It's sort of Embarrassing, that's all.

Sure, I can see it Would be embarrassing.

Don't take much to embarrass me.

Why don't you just Forget about it?

Go back to work.

It happens, it Happens, you know?

Right.

Good morning.

Good morning, captain.

All right, come on. In we go.

I'm telling you it Was unavoidable.

It was a conflict

With my inherent right to Become spiritually acceptable.

Hey, hey, hey. I Know how that is.

Oh, good morning... Barney. I'm late.

Good morning... Harris. I know.

It was unavoidable, barn.

I was at my bank this Morning making a deposit

When I got this guy.

He, um... He took a Swing at the cashier.

He refused to accept My need for universality.

It was self-defense.

I didn't quite get That, mister, uh...

Go on. Tell him.

1223.

No, no, no, no. Your name.

That's my name.

Barney, he was trying to Open a checking account

In the name of 1223.

Right.

Um, they refused, And he retaliated.

Right.

Numerology.

Hey, you want to have a Seat right over there, please?

That's the study of the Occult significance of numbers,

How they affect your life.

Uh, yes, dietrich, We're aware of that.

Oh, sure.

Is that it?

Yeah.

10-4.

12th precinct, wojciehowicz.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, bye.

Barn, uh, disturbance at the Garden of earthly delights.

That's a painting by bosch.

It's a porno shop On lexington avenue.

Oh, yeah, that's the other one.

All right, you and, uh...

Dietrich.

Okay, thanks.

By the way, I've Got these, uh, forms

I'm gonna ask you to fill Out as soon as possible.

New policy from department... Proficiency evaluations.

We're not gonna rate Each other, are we?

No, no, no, no, No. I do the rating.

Thank god.

It's just routine... Work Habits, job performance.

Pbbt!

I wouldn't worry About it, wojo. I...

I try to be as fair as possible.

Any luck on his name yet?

Not a thing, barn. He Had no identification.

All he had was this library card

With his number on it.

They're the only ones Who have been cooperative.

- look, mr., uh... - 1223.

That's it. No surnumber.

All right, mr. 1223,

Uh, what were you called Before you were 1223?

That's irrelevant.

Uh, barn, I sent His fingerprints

Through for a check.

Maybe we can get An I.D. That way.

All right. Also Check his address.

Maybe somebody there knows him.

Well, he says he lives At, uh, 322 lexington, barn.

That's the marquis hotel.

322. I picked it For the address.

You see what the numbers Add up to, don't you?

7.

7. That's the number of Beauty, rhythm, harmony,

Coexistence with my environment,

Coexistence with The entire galaxy.

And there's a great Little coffee shop.

Well, just step In here, all right?

Irene, will you please Come on already?

I hope this doesn't take long.

You know, we really have To get back to the store.

Won't be long. There's Virtually nothing we can do.

Oh?

Yeah? What, uh... What do we got?

This is mr. And mrs. Schuman. They're the victims.

They own the garden Of earthly delights.

A ma-and-pa porno shop?

How refreshing.

It's confusing.

What, uh... What happened?

Uh, someone threw a Brick through their window.

Yeah, that's right, but That's only the latest thing.

Ever since we've been in Business, nothing but trouble.

First there were phone Calls, then threatening letters,

And then it really started...

Broken windows and signs.

Eddie, how many neon Lips did we lose last month?

Oh, please.

I hope you won't mind my asking This question, mr. Schuman,

But, uh... What's A couple like us

Doing running an Adult bookstore, right?

Something like that.

Survival, sir.

If you don't go with the Times, you don't survive.

Would you have a seat, ma'am?

Of course. Thank you.

You know, we used to have A lovely little grocery.

Oh, yes, meats and Kosher delicacies.

And all the kids, remember?

They used to come in for the Gumballs and the caramels.

Oh, yeah.

And those long papers with The little candy stuck on them.

What were those called?

Buttons.

Oh, yeah. I used to love those.

Thank you, harris.

Then the a&p came and opened Up a store at the end of the block.

Do I have to tell you any more?

Uh, wojo, you want to Take their statements?

Sergeant wojciehowicz will Get the rest of the information.

Well, just last week,

Somebody spray-painted The entire front of the store

With filthy sayings.

Remember, eddie, how the Business picked up after that?

Uh, I'll be in the Office if you need me.

- yes? - excuse me, captain?

Yes. Come in. Come in.

- I hope I'm not bothering you. - no, no.

I can come back at a More convenient time.

- this is fine. Sit down, roz. - I mean, if you're busy.

All right, then.

What can I do for you?

Well, I just want To try and explain

About some of the Unfortunate occurrences today.

I wasn't aware there were any.

Well, the wojciehowicz incident.

Oh, look, that was, uh...

I may have overreacted.

It's forgotten.

I guess I'm just mostly A little apprehensive

That these things

Might unconsciously Color your evaluation.

You don't have much Else to base it on.

You've never really had the Opportunity to see me in action.

I was referring to police work.

I'm fully aware what You were referring...

Yes?

Oh, uh, excuse me.

- that's okay. - that's okay.

I was just leaving.

Pardon me.

Yes, wojo? What?

Oh, um...

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna check out

Some of the other porno Shops in the neighborhood.

You know, maybe it's One of their competitors.

Good idea.

Yeah, or else Maybe, uh, you know,

It's a syndicate moving in.

I'll check that out, too.

Fine.

I'm not up to yours yet, wojo.

I guess you're gonna save The longest for last, huh?

Next.

Oh, barn, I just Want to let you know

That I'm gonna be Out for a little while.

- oh? - uh, yeah.

I'm, uh, taking a lunch Meeting with a literary agent...

Oh.

Concerning, uh, Possible representation

And future career opportunities.

- hey, good luck. - thank you.

Captain?

Gentlemen, shall we Adjourn to the squad room?

Yeah.

Got a call from dispatch.

Squad car spotted Somebody hauling stuff

Out of the schumans' place.

See that? We've only Been gone 20 minutes.

It's the "0" in the 20.

It'll get you every time.

All right, wojo, You and dietrich.

Listen, would you please Wipe off your feet first?

I just waxed the Floors over there.

Yeah, I promise.

Uh, sergeant wojciehowicz And sergeant dietrich

Are bringing a Couple of suspects in.

I wouldn't be Surprised to find out

That the a&p is behind all this.

Do you really think so, eddie?

Who knows?

Maybe they think our customers

Are taking the money From their food budgets.

Well, in any case, When they bring them in,

You'll have to sign complaints, And then you'll be free to go.

That's fine with us, captain.

All we want to do is end this Harassment once and for all.

We don't want this Hanging over our heads

During dollar days.

Of course not.

You know, spring is Our busiest season.

Yes, love is everywhere, But some people can't get it.

Did you have your meeting?

Yep, I had it.

I take it all it Didn't go too well.

You should have had The meeting at 4:00.

That's the time To have a meeting.

Hey, I got two... Count 'em... Two words for you.

What happened?

Barney, look, shapiro didn't Even want to read my material,

Much less represent me.

What did he have The meeting for?

I don't know, barn.

I guess he gets his kick Rejecting people in person.

He said I didn't have A track record yet,

That one sale didn't make Me a professional writer...

You know, crazy junk like that.

At least you got A lunch out of it.

Oh.

Oh, barn, how you, uh...

How you coming along With your evaluations?

That's the first time

You've shown any Concern about it at all.

Oh, hey, barn, I mean, I'm Interested in both my careers.

This is all a ridiculous Misunderstanding.

Look, we are not Criminals. We're family.

Yeah, well, we'll see.

My god, russell, susan, What are you doing here?

Take it easy, irene.

Dietrich?

This is russell schuman, Susan schuman-edwards.

Hi, mom, dad.

What's going on?

Uh, we, uh, caught them

With a station wagon Pulled up behind the store.

They were hauling All this stuff out.

I can't believe it. That's My own son and daughter.

We didn't bring Them up to steal.

Especially from us.

Oh, come on, dad.

We did this for your own Good, and you know that.

How long do you think we Were gonna stand around

And watch you trying to eke Out a living selling smut and filth?

You wouldn't say that If you saw our markup.

Uh, I take it you two Were responsible

For the other Incidents, as well?

I tried talking to them. I Tried reasoning with them.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait. You did these things?

You did all of these Terrible things?

We were afraid for you.

I know the kind of people Who are in the porno business...

The mob... The mob, vigilantes.

You threw a brick through Your mother's window.

Better me than some hoodlum.

All right, would you excuse me?

Wojo, let's get a statement From mr. Schuman the younger.

Right here.

Mrs. Edwards, if you'll Have a seat right there.

Dietrich.

Uh, licori, you want To, uh, tag the evidence?

Mr. And mrs. Schuman, you Can make yourself comfortable.

Uh, licori, maybe you better Get mrs. Edwards' statement.

Look at this, will you?

What do you got?

You got your novelties.

You got some paraphernalia, Some party favors.

Hold off, uh...

Hold off tagging that stuff Until we see what happens.

What's that thing With the feathers?

No idea.

It's reasonably priced, though.

I'll be right back. I got To get an arrest form.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

I won't if you won't.

It's a deal.

It's interesting How these things

Have a habit of working Out by themselves, you know?

Oh, yeah.

You know, I guess you could say

That I get along good with My fellow workers, huh?

And I can handle difficult Problems on my own.

Is that your evaluation?

Whatever you say.

Hello... Ira.

What the hell are You talking about?

Now we know.

It's irrelevant.

Not to us, ira.

Don't call me that. Let me have that paper.

Sorry.

You know what you are, harris?

You're a 5... A Lousy, stinking 5.

I've been called worse Numbers than that.

Uh, barn, I got an I.D. On 1223 from his fingerprints.

Oh?

Ira grubb.

Ira grubb?

Yeah, it sounds sort of like A moroccan restaurant, huh?

Put it on his arrest record And give him a desk appearance.

You got it.

Yeah?

Uh, got the preliminary Information on those kids,

But, uh, I mean, you Want me to find out

If the schumans are gonna Press charges or what?

'cause, you Know, it's kind of...

Yeah.

Or maybe I...

Harris, one would think That you of all people

Would respect the Sanctity of the desk.

Oh, yeah, barn.

But, uh, I mean...

Well, I mean, you're in a room.

You got to put your Eyes somewhere.

Barney, I've been in This room so many times,

I'm bored at looking at The pictures on the walls.

Is that a new calendar?

I want to ask you something! I want to ask you something!

Why don't you sit down?

If we're such an Embarrassment to you,

Why didn't you take A stick of dynamite,

Blow off the door with it?

This is a police station!

Please, let's... Quiet!

Thank you.

Russell, leave Your father alone.

All right, it appears by the Tenor of this conversation

That, uh, you intend to Proceed with this matter,

So let's get a complaint form,

And we can sign it so that we Can formally book your children.

Right, barn.

Book?

Book my children?

Yes, and... And Generally followed

By, uh, mug shots,

Fingerprinting, Arraignment, trial.

Oh, my god, a trial.

I like your style.

Scare the hell out of them, Then just lean back and wait.

Dad, you know, this all Could have been avoided

If you just had taken that Condominium down in florida.

You're starting again, That same business?

I don't want to hear it.

They have golf, Tennis, exercise rooms.

What do you want me to Do... Drop dead in the sauna?

No, dad, I want you to Be happy, for god's sakes!

We are happy.

You can't be, not Doing what you're doing!

You don't understand. We're merchants.

We've been merchants All our lives.

We sold bread and tomatoes.

Now we sell magazines With naked people,

And maybe they disgust you,

But they're our magazines in Our store and nobody else's.

Believe me, we wouldn't last Three days in that condominium.

Okay, but don't you see That it just tears us up

Every time we go down And see you in that place?

Dad, mom...

If only you didn't Live over the store.

Okay.

You're getting out, ira.

I'm not ira anymore.

I don't blame you.

Look, we're always Getting numbers

Forced on us anyway, right?

Social security numbers, bank Numbers, credit card numbers,

Driver's license Numbers, zip codes.

Why shouldn't we be able To choose our own numbers,

A number that has Meaning for us, hmm?

Yeah.

9th hour, courtroom 28.

928? Oh, no, no, no.

That's not spiritually Acceptable to me.

Unless... Unless...

I wear a 3-piece suit. Then...

I'll work it out.

Uh, listen, captain,

We decided we're not Gonna press charges.

Oh, really?

Besides, a mother can't Testify against her children.

No, no, no, mom.

It's a wife can't testify Against her husband.

Russell, don't Correct your mother.

Big-shot attorney.

Uh, if that's the case, You're all free to go.

Well, thank you Very much, captain,

And I'm really sorry We wasted your time.

Quite all right.

Would you hand me those Flesh digests, please?

Thank you.

Oh, who tore the Cellophane on this one?

Mail call.

Captain miller, Thank you very much.

Mr. Schuman, mrs. Edwards.

- thank you very much, captain. - my pleasure.

- shall we go? - mm-hmm.

Don't forget your box.

Oh, I-I-I'm gonna go on ahead.

Oh, hello.

Afternoon, ma'am.

You look very familiar.

Yes, so do you, ma'am.

Oh, yeah.

And he's a policeman.

What is it, levitt?

- mail, sir. - thank you.

Oh, and possibly I could have a Few words about the evaluations?

Levitt, I'm afraid I can Entertain no more questions

About the evaluations.

It wasn't a question, sir.

I was just wondering if I Can include a statement.

There are no provisions For statements, comments,

Or anything from anybody but me!

I see, sir.

And they're taking Your word as gospel?

That's exactly What they're doing.

Barn, I mean, is this a Point system or what?

All right, gentlemen, Would you just wait here?

I'll be right back.

Anybody want to go to lunch?

All right, here You go, wojo, licori.

The evaluations, uh...

Read them, discuss them.

You may copy them if you wish.

Barney, I mean, this Really isn't necessary.

No, no, no, I insist. Please, read them.

Everybody satisfied?

Oh, I mean, if you have Any, uh, questions,

Any clarification Needed, any suggestions?

This is fine.

- fine, sir, fine. - it's all right with me.

Good. I'm glad you all concur.

I don't know what he meant By "Aggressively zealous."

I don't think I'm That methodical.

Anybody else get "Flashy efficiency"?

I don't understand What he means by this.

I'll see you all one at a Time, in alphabetical order.