Original subtitles

Yes, ma'am. We'll Follow it through.

You're welcome.

Barney, a lady reports A disgusting display

Over on 10th.

An ordinary disgusting Display or something specific?

A pornographic bakery.

A por...

She says there's a window Display of cakes and pastry

That are shaped Like nude people,

With different Parts of the body.

That's sick.

Yeah, and she's Particularly offended

By a pair of, uh, Strawberry cupcakes.

Hello.

Hi.

Good morning.

Hello.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Well, I'm real sorry About the interference,

But there's nothing we can do About pigeons on your antenna.

Yes, ma'am, well, you see, We tried arresting them once,

But the handcuffs kept Slipping off their little feet.

Somebody got up on the wrong Side of the bed this morning.

Somebody got up out Of the wrong bed, period.

Huh?

Morning, captain.

Oh, good morning, dietrich.

Nick, wojo.

Wojo: morning.

Hey, roomie.

Ohh.

I see.

No, you don't.

Harris.

Harris, I realize that Living with someone

That you're not...

Used to can be difficult,

Particularly when you're Used to living by yourself.

Barney, he grows things All over that apartment.

Look, it's temporary. You'll find your own place.

Besides, you can't ask Him to change his lifestyle

Just to accommodate you.

A lot of people are Into growing things...

Plants, flowers... Wheat?

Wheat?

Mm-hmm.

12th precinct, wojciehowicz.

Barney, I'm gonna Check the bakery shop.

Okay.

There a robbery?

A pornographic bakery shop.

The one on 10th?

You've seen it?

Yeah.

How about those bagels?

Okay, okay.

- barn. - mm-hmm?

Disturbance over on houston.

Some guy's ripping Apart his apartment.

Hmm, I know how he feels.

Dietrich, you and wojo.

Get your coat.

Long as I'm going out,

Anybody want any doughnuts?

Doughnuts?

Cakes?

Cookies?

You rascal, you.

In here, mr. Porter.

There's no reason. I've asked him to leave.

I've begged him to Get out of my life!

All right, what do we got here?

This is elliott porter,

The guy that was Tearing up his apartment.

That wasn't me! Look, I'm not a violent man.

I've never harmed another Human being in my entire life.

He threw his cat at Us when we came in.

That wasn't me, either!

Who was it, mr. Porter?

Go ahead. Tell him.

Look, don't you Laugh at something

Just because you Don't understand it.

He says it was a gh-ghost.

- ghost? - ghost.

A phenomenon.

An inexplicable, seemingly Irrational occurrence, which...

And I don't like it Any more than you do.

Mr. Porter, you do understand

That we have to proceed According to the facts

As we ascertain them?

Consequently, for The time being anyway,

We are gonna have to hold you.

You do understand that?

Oh.

Oh, julius is probably Laughing at this whole thing.

Julius?

The phenomenon.

It's his name.

Sure it isn't casper? Oooh!

English-literature major, right?

All right, sergeant Dietrich will book you.

If you'll just have a seat Over here, mr. Porter...

Just right over there.

Always a little fruitcake left

- after christmas, huh, barney? - okay, wojo.

Actually, his story Isn't totally fantastic.

Oh, yeah?

There's a lot of documentation

On the sort of Phenomena he describes.

Oh, yeah?

You've heard of poltergeist?

It's a mischievous spirit...

Makes its presence Known by throwing things,

Making noises.

Pbht!

Yeah, like that.

Barney, I went to the bakery.

- that the evidence? - right.

Better prepare yourself.

Nick, I'm a relatively Sophisticated adult.

There isn't too much That I haven't seen in...

Is that what I think it is?

Rye bread.

Boy, you really got to be Warped to so something like that.

What the hell is up With them poppy seeds?

All right, gentlemen, The pastry show is over.

Let's get back to work.

Call the d.A.'s office.

See if you can get some Kind of ruling on that.

Right. Barney,

You should have seen What was going on

In the gingerbread house.

What?

Tiny little phonies.

- any next of kin, mr. Porter? - no.

I don't have very Many friends, either,

Thanks to julius.

What do you know about him?

Julius?

Oh, he's been in the Family for years.

Died in the revolutionary war.

Oh, really?

Shot for treason.

That makes sense.

What?

Poltergeists are often Spirits who were bothered in life

And died under tragic Or bizarre circumstances.

That's what I've been trying To tell people for years.

Nobody believes a word I say.

That makes sense, too.

Yeah?

Well, there are many Instances of such phenomena...

Including verification

By respected and Intelligent people.

Yeah, I know that.

However, society still refuses

To accept the Observer of such events.

For the most part, they're Considered unreliable.

That's right.

They're branded As irresponsible,

Insane, and even dangerous.

Right!

Get the hell out of here!

I couldn't understand a word

Coming out of your fat mouth!

Hold it down! Settle down.

Settle down. This Is a police station.

Let's show some Courtesy and respect.

Stick it in your ear, creep.

Hey, that doesn't bother us.

We're trained to take Abuse from hostile citizenry.

You little pipsqueak.

That doesn't bother You, does it, sir?

- no. - see?

Levitt, what do you got?

Patrolman picked them up in Front of an apartment, sir...

Causing a disturbance, Public nuisance, like that.

I'm captain miller.

You got some Authority around here?

Some.

Then, keep this crazy Greek away from me.

- darling... - shut up, you old shepherd.

Shepherd. I am a welder.

Um, do you know this gentleman?

Of course she knows Me. I'm her husband.

Big mouth.

This is your husband, ma'am?

What, do you want to Get technical about it?

Technical?

It's very confusing, sir.

I'm aware of that, levitt.

Yes, sir, but you're On the right track, sir.

Here's our marriage certificate.

Big deal... A piece of paper.

I got a driver's license, too. It doesn't mean I own a car.

Mr. Demitrius Stefanos and miss...

My professional Name is tricia morgan.

Professional?

You're an actress, miss morgan?

Yeah, I have to be.

Uh, mr. And mrs. Stefanos,

I really don't think We can help you...

Maybe a marriage counselor.

Marriage counselor?!

I want a court order Keeping this guy off my back.

For two months, he's Been following me around,

Bringing me candy, Sending me flowers.

He's your husband!

So, what's that... Carte blanche?

Captain, I can explain.

Watch it, plato.

Tricia married me

So I could stay in this Country permanently.

For a fee?

Yes.

It was a dowry.

I don't think that's Legal, is it, barn?

I wouldn't imagine so, no.

All I wanted was to stay here.

I love this country.

And over the last two months,

I decided I love her, too.

I do. I'm not ashamed of that.

Listen, don't talk To me about love.

- love is my business. - don't say that.

Spying on me, Ruining my schedules.

Lack of organization...

That's why 85% of all Small businesses fail.

Wojo, would you Contact immigration?

I have a feeling this Is their jurisdiction.

And take a statement from...

Tricia morgan.

Over there, lady.

Yeah, thanks.

Tricia, promise me...

Mr. Stefanos, if you Will, over here. Nick?

Yeah, I'll be right Back, mr. Stefanos.

Sad case, eh, sir?

They all are.

I know how he feels. Women, huh, sir?

Women.

Some guys are just Unlucky. Others are cursed.

Uh, you will excuse Me, levitt. I've got some...

That's why some guys Have to pay for affection.

- they have to. - perhaps.

Not me, sir. I wasn't Speaking of me.

On a patrolman's Pay, who can afford it?

- what? - nothing, sir.

Oh, nick, for god's sakes, How many times have I told you?

Shove the drawer Back in when you finish.

This won't happen.

- I did, I swear, barney. - yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's here.

Julius?

He's followed me here.

Sit down.

Why won't you leave me alone?

I mean, the gall of Him to follow me here!

Mr. Porter, it was Just an accident.

You pull this drawer Out too far, it falls out.

Don't you talk down to me!

- hold it. - don't you feel the presence?

Don't you feel the cold Clamminess in the air?

It's probably just our heater.

Better get out of here, julius!

This place is loaded with cops!

Just take it easy, mr. Porter.

There's mace, sir.

Stay the hell out Of it, will you, levitt?

Negative on the Mace. Right, sir.

Take it easy. Just Take it easy. Harris?

Uh, yeah, I know The number by heart.

It's unfair!

It really is, you know?

There are a lot of unfair Things in this world, you know?

I mean, that's what We're here for.

We're here to take care of...

I think we can Rule out the wind.

Ah, man, look, it's Just a matter of,

You know, basic physics.

You put too many Coats on one side,

And it tips over.

I suppose.

It's just a matter of balance.

You know, I saw Mr. Wizard explain that

Sitting on a teeter-totter.

Took three kids To balance him out.

Oh, yeah?

Wonderful universe, ain't it?

Mm-hmm.

Got a permanent address?

No.

I'm on the road a lot.

You mean on the street.

That supposed to be an insult?

Nope. I just don't Like to mince words.

Oh. Then by all Means, let's not.

Occupation?

None.

Just a lucrative hobby.

Mind if I get a cup of coffee?

Help yourself.

I can't describe the Feelings I had when I...

Hmm?

I can't describe The feelings I had

When I saw the statue of Liberty standing there...

Beautiful, magnificent, Compassionate.

But I'm sure you have Felt the same way.

- I was born here. - oh.

But my parents Had the same feeling

When they first saw alcatraz.

Uh...

Aah!

Damn it, julius.

Why can't you leave me alone?

Ucch!

Get out of here! Aah!

- get away! - come on!

Will you cool it In there, please?

- aah! - come on.

Take it easy, mr. Porter.

Don't just stand There, get him off of me!

Mr. Porter, if you Don't cut it out,

I'm gonna have to use handcuffs!

Thanks.

I think you scared him off.

Harris.

Oh, yeah. Right here, barn.

What's with bellevue?

Oh, uh, they said you'll, Uh, just have to wait, barn.

They've got priorities.

- priorities? - yeah. You know,

Suicides, uh, Antisocial aggressives,

Manic depressives.

They said the, uh, disillusioned

Will just have to wait.

Can I help you?

Carl simms, department Of immigration.

Ah, mr. Simms, I'm Captain miller.

Italian and irish?

Uh, no.

Mediterranean.

A little.

It's a hobby of mine.

Would you like to Step in my office?

Fine.

I understand you have Some illegal entry.

We're not sure what we've got.

Vietnamese.

Omaha.

This is sergeant yemana.

This is mr. Stefanos, Mrs. Stefanos.

This is mr. Simms, Department of immigration.

Pleased to meet you.

Yes, I know.

This way.

They're always so Pleased to meet me.

They think I have the power Of life and death over them.

Don't worry.

I'll tell them that Everything is my fault.

Nothing will happen to you.

Well, ain't you the Knight in shining armor?

Hey, lady, that ain't No way to talk to him.

He's doing you a favor.

If he wants to do me a favor, He could leave me alone.

I don't want him calling me. I don't want him bugging me.

I don't want him coming around.

I don't ever want To see him again.

If that's what you really want,

I won't bother you

Or call you or see you again.

I've heard that before.

I am a man of honor.

What I say, I'll do.

I hope so.

But you must stop Doing what you're doing!

Oh, come on.

It's not necessary for You to sell yourself to men.

Supply and demand, baby. Everybody's got to live.

Get a regular job.

Be a secretary, something legit.

Why don't you mind Your own business?

Minding your Business is my business.

It's not necessary For you to work.

I will work. I will work hard.

I will give you money.

I will give you Anything you need.

Forget it. I'm not A charity case.

Mr. Stefanos, I think You're wasting your time.

Oh, I have plenty of time.

Oh, forget it.

Just another cheap hooker.

Don't you ever say Anything like that again!

I don't care if you are An officer of the law.

I won't allow it! I Don't care if I go to jail!

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, now. I Didn't mean it, huh?

I didn't mean anything by that.

I'm sorry.

It's gonna be difficult to prove

That this marriage

Is purely for the Purposes of illegal entry.

Of course. It's difficult.

It's always difficult to be The one person responsible

For 290,000 immigrants into This country every year.

What am I, god?

Well, I appreciate Your problem, mr...

Do you know what it's like

To look into their Pathetic, hoping faces

And to say, "You, stay.

You, go. You live, you die."

Do you know what it's like

Dealing with 290,000 Huddled masses

Yearning to be free?

Oh, sure, "Give me your Tired and your poor."

Big talk from a statue.

Is there food in that box?

You wouldn't want any.

Why not? Open up.

I just don't think You should see it.

Come on.

I told you.

Big deal... Cookies.

Uh... Mr. Stefanos, miss morgan,

Mr. Simms here would like To ask you a few questions.

Please, I will be glad To cooperate fully.

You see, they're always Glad to cooperate fully.

All right, tell me this.

Was the marriage Ever consummated?

I don't understand What that means.

Oh, hey, it means did You and her ever...

I don't know. What?

Mr. Stefanos...

I understand.

And you expect me to answer?

Do you?

A man never speaks About his wife this way.

It's dishonorable.

Yeah, I agree with... Demitrius.

Demitrius.

Well, goodbye, captain.

That's it?

Without a confession Or an informant,

There is nothing I can do.

Okay.

Look, they beat the system. They got around the law.

It's the american way, no?

Goodbye, mr. Simms, And good luck.

Hey, armenian.

Your mother is french.

Right.

- and your father? - he's dead.

I mean before.

He was alive.

Mr. Stefanos, miss morgan, You're, uh, free to go.

About time.

Will I see you again?

Hey, what's the point, huh?

I suppose none.

Thank you for the new country.

Don't be crazy. You paid for it.

And for the pleasure To have you for my wife,

If only in name.

Yeah, well...

Nice to meet you, too.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Say, listen, if you ever Have any problems...

I mean, if you get Lost or something...

You give me a call, okay?

That's very nice.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

How long does it take you To become a citizen now?

Oh, in three years I will be eligible.

- good luck. - thank you.

I look forward To be naturalized.

And also... Consummating.

It's the country of Opportunity, isn't it?

Banana boat is downstairs For an elliott porter.

Levitt, we can do Without those phrases.

I heard harris say it.

Wasn't intended for public use.

All right, levitt. Open it up.

Right, sir.

Take porter down To the ambulance.

This way, please.

Oh, sure. I don't mind.

I'm really not insane.

The psychiatrists Are gonna prove that.

I hope so, mr. Porter.

I sincerely hope so.

Oliver wendell holmes once said,

"Insanity is often the logic of An accurate mind overtaxed."

That's crazy.

Gentlemen, duty calls.

I heard that, too.

Ha.

It's just probably a coffee cup

I left too near the edge of The desk or something fell off.

Probably.

Yeah, or a bookend.

Or a paperweight.

Yeah, yeah, paperweight.

Hi.

My name's arthur.